Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Thanksgiving - full transcript
It's Thanksgiving. Adam goes to the school and sees Andi talking to Mrs. Rodriguez. He learns there's a dinner for the kids and someone needs to plan it. Adam is dreading doing it. But Andi says she'll do it. Adam is relieved till he learns Andi doesn't think he can do it. He says he'll do it. His plan has him contacting the other parents and let them bring something. But when he finds out they are not bringing food, he freaks out. On Don's urging he sets out to take the food Andi is preparing for their family dinner. Andi's worried and finds out how well his plan is going and what he is going to do.
Picked another winner,
gang. Huh? Look at this guy.
I named him Jerome,
'cause he's got thighs
like Jerome Bettis.
You ever seen a
Thanksgiving bird like this?
Yeah. We saw that exact
one at the turkey farm.
Except he had feathers and
his head was still attached.
Please, tell me you didn't actually
let them see the turkeys get killed.
- Well... They got to pet them first.
- Oh, my God...
Wait, that's not the
same turkey I fed, is it?
No!
No. No, no, no.
They set that one free.
This was the mean one.
No, it isn't. It's the exact same one.
It was the mean one, Katie.
Well, he's gonna be delicious.
Can you say a prayer for Jerome?
Uh...
Sure, Butter Bean.
Yeah, uh, let's see, uh...
Jerome...
You had a good life.
And though you were very mean
and not the turkey that Teddy fed,
we promise your death won't be in vain.
We will not fill up on bread, amen.
ALL: Amen.
All right, good.
Hey. Why are you guys here?
Principal's office.
My kid's pet snake
got out of his backpack.
And I'm standing here
because I'm frozen with fear.
What? Just because that little
snake on the floor behind you?
(gasps)
(laughter)
I hated that, but I
loved the camaraderie.
Okay. All right, I got
to bring Emme her lunch.
Why didn't you have Andi bring it?
- Well, she's at work.
- No, she's not.
She's in there with Mrs. Rodriguez.
- What?
- (laughter)
Hey.
Adam. What are you doing here?
Well, Emme forgot her lunch, uh...
What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same question.
You just did, and I answered it.
What... what's going on?
Oh, nothing. I was
just on my lunch break,
I thought I'd, uh, pop in.
Okay, you're biting your lower lip,
which means you've
done something horrible.
- (scoffs)
- What'd you do?
Was it something at home?
Did you throw out my antlers?
- No!
- Singing fish?
Mr. Burns, Andi came by to discuss
the school's Thanksgiving
party next week.
- (sighs)
- As the room parent, I assume
you've been reading all
the e-mails I sent you?
Let's not play this
game. You know I haven't.
As I explained, we will need
an entire Thanksgiving
dinner for 30 people.
Full spread, by Wednesday.
Well, I think I can speak
for all parents when I say
that sounds like a bummer.
Which is why, even
though you're room parent,
I think Andi should
handle organizing it.
Those are the sweetest
words I've ever heard.
Now I know what I'm thankful
for this Thanksgiving.
Well, good! I'm glad you're happy.
Oh, very thoughtful
of you, Mrs. Rodriguez.
(laughing): Wasn't my idea.
Andi called me,
concerned you'd need help.
Whoa. Go... hold on a
second, you called her?
- No.
- Yes.
(scoffs)
Just tell me the truth.
(groans) Fine.
Adam, I threw out your singing fish.
Hold on, hold on.
You schemed and plotted with...
don't take this the wrong way...
my archenemy?
Because you don't
think I'm capable of...
cooking a meal?
Look, I don't care
if she thinks I can't do it.
I care if you think it.
Does it help if we both think it?
ANDI: Hi. Hi, Jerome.
Oh, you don't get
to talk to him.
What is your problem?
Why are you so upset?
Because we're supposed to be a team.
I'm Batman and you're Robin.
And I just walked into
the Batcave and caught you
planning a Thanksgiving
party with the Joker!
Okay, first of all,
I am not Robin,
I am Mrs. Batman.
There is no Mrs. Batman.
Have you seen the Batcave?
Only a woman could've put that together.
Look, this Thanksgiving
party is just too much work.
I mean, when I did it in the
past, it took weeks of planning.
And... and you haven't
even read her e-mails.
Well, neither have you.
Well, yeah, I did.
She blind CC'd me on everything.
I can't believe she did that.
What is that?
It means she puts me on all the e-mails
and just hides my address.
Now, why would she do that?
(chuckling): Well, because, I...
She... somebody
asked her to do it, I...
I haven't even screwed anything up yet,
and you're already
sticking your nose in.
(chuckles) You know what I think?
I think you're the one
with the problem. Not me.
Oh, that is so ridiculous,
I can't even laugh.
Oh, no. Wait. Yes, I can. (laughs)
You're so off.
This isn't about me.
This is about your need
to be in control. That's the point.
No, no, no. The point is that
you're completely overreacting
because your pride is wounded.
See? You're even controlling
what I think the point is.
(scoffs) Okay, here's
what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna do this
thing without your help.
- Well, you can't do it all yourself.
- I won't be.
I'll send out an e-mail,
and I'll blind CC myself,
and I'll tell all the other
parents to bring something.
So, you just stay out of it.
Okay. Fine.
Thank you. Now, if you'll please leave,
all this conflict is
not good for Jerome.
When I pull off this Thanksgiving party,
Andi's gonna know who wears
the cape in this family.
Cape? What are you
guys doing over there?
I say just let Andi do it.
No. No. I said I was gonna do this job,
and I'm gonna do it as well as I can.
I have this crazy thing called pride.
You're looking at this school
Thanksgiving thing all wrong.
You hate being room parent, right?
Yeah, so?
Then my advice is, you totally blow it.
Once you screw something up,
no one asks you to do it again.
I only had to be a
pallbearer that one time.
Yeah. You know, you should be careful,
'cause some of those relatives
are gonna have to carry you one day.
Nope. Blasting my ashes
right up into space.
I'm just saying, it just
sounds like a lot of work.
Not if you have a crew. I
got the drywall guys making me
paper hand turkeys.
Hey, Kowalski. You
call that a hand turkey?
Kowalski's only got three fingers.
Sorry, buddy. Thumbs-up.
No thumb.
ADAM: Okay.
Turkey place cards, check.
Tablecloth, check.
Decorations, check.
Redemption? A-check.
Yeah. Real impressive.
But this is the sound
of people not asking you
to do stuff anymore.
Hear that?
Those are freedom bubbles.
(knocking at door)
Hello, pilgrims.
I couldn't wait
for the school Thanksgiving tomorrow.
I had to bring you my side dish tonight.
Oh, you're a good man, Lowell.
Not sure how you got my address,
but we'll talk about that later.
What do you got? Mashed
potatoes, green beans?
Better. Foie gras
Brussels sprouts in a pomegranate glaze
with juniper berries,
thyme leaves, and farro.
DON: I love this guy.
He's always swinging for the fences.
Well, we can use it to scare the kids
into eating the other vegetables.
- Hey, Andi.
- ANDI: Oh, hey, Lowell.
That is...
what is that?
Oh, no, no, don't make him say it again.
Oh, um, Don, uh,
we're headed over your house
to help Marcy make all the sides
- for the family Thanksgiving.
- Oh, good.
I felt bad leaving her
to do it all by herself.
What smells?
It's this guy.
Teddy, don't be rude.
Remember the rule that we
learned at Grandma's house?
When something smells,
we don't talk about it.
All right?
Come on, wait for me in the car.
Your children are lovely.
So, uh...
how's it going down here?
Great, yeah,
the dishes have started rolling in,
my crew made me 30
fun and festive turkey place cards.
So, you don't need me.
Nope. I could just...
leave you here to do it all yourself.
- Yup.
- Okay, well,
great 'cause...
you know, I'm never happier
than when you can handle
it all on your own and...
I can just stay out of it.
(both chuckle)
Doesn't sound like it.
Bye-bye.
Oh, wait, um, real quick,
um, some of the kids are
allergic to nuts, okay?
So, don't bring any pecan pies.
Oh, and there's always
one kid who picks up
a gourd and pretends it...
Sorry.
Felt like you couldn't
pull the trigger on that one.
Then Adam actually had the nerve
to accuse me of always
having to be in control.
But that's true, right?
Yes, that's why I'm so upset.
Look, I know it's hard,
but you just have to back off.
I mean,
would you do everything
better and smarter?
Of course, you're a woman.
We're better and smarter.
Maybe that's why we
live longer, you know?
So at the end, we can
have just a few years
- of things being right.
- Mm.
Everything's gonna be
so clean then.
I just wish I knew
what was happening over there, you know?
I mean,
how bad would it be
if I checked his e-mails
from the other parents?
I mean, just to make sure
that he's in good shape.
Oh, I say go for it.
I check Don's e-mails
more than he does.
Oh.
Okay, Jerome, sleep tight, buddy.
I'm not a turkey guy.
I grew up on a farm
and I won't eat anything
that beat me in a fight.
Okay.
Oh, you coming back in? Okay.
All right, time to check and see
what the other parents are bringing.
Ooh, you have 20 unread e-mails.
You must feel like a celebrity.
Yeah, the other parents
were blowing me off,
so I had to hit them
with a sharply worded
reminder last night.
Your life's brutal.
Okay, we're off to a good start.
Marie says she's bringing the turkey.
Uh... someone's bringing napkins.
That's good.
Uh... someone else is bringing napkins.
Plenty of those.
More napkins.
Napkins...
napkins.
Lowell, I got a serious problem here.
Everyone's bringing napkins.
Not everyone.
Lily's dad is bringing paper towels.
That's just napkins on a stick.
On the bright side,
this is going to make my dish
the star of the party.
Napkins.
The other parents are
just bringing napkins.
You know what, that does it.
Marcy, get out more potatoes.
We got to cook enough sides for 30 kids.
I thought you were staying out of it.
Well, I can't just do nothing.
It's like watching a turtle
try to cross the highway.
He's never gonna make it.
In that case, somebody
better bring a shovel.
None of the other parents
are picking up the phone.
I got no side dishes!
(clears throat)
That people will eat.
Congratulations.
For what?
For blowing the school Thanksgiving.
They won't ask you to
do anything ever again.
Maybe it's time to call Andi.
No. No, I'm not calling Andi.
If I do, it'll upset the
whole balance of power.
I'll be... I'll be Robin.
So what?
You still get to go on the adventures.
You just won't have to
make any of the decisions.
That's how it is in my marriage.
Come on in, the water's fine.
You know what, I think I could still
pull this off without her.
I got my place cards.
Marie's bringing the turkey.
I got your hoity-toity
prison food casserole.
All I need is the other stuff.
Other stuff meaning
enough food for 30 people?
Yeah, it could be done, right?
Let's see.
Side dishes, potatoes,
gravy, stuffing, pies...
If the three of us...
The two of you.
... pull together, we can do anything.
I'm here for you until the end.
- Oh.
- (phone beeps)
Oop, I got to go.
What? What's wrong?
My wife texted.
We're trying to have another baby
and she's ovulating.
She's already ankles up
in the swing chair, waiting for me.
That guy continues to surprise me.
Well, there goes any chance of
us actually cooking this dinner.
- (sighs)
- Okay, we need
a plan “B.”
We just go out and buy it?
(groans lightly)
Yes!
- Now you're thinking.
- (laughs)
Hey, I'm always
thinking, little brother.
Who went to six months
of community college?
(chuckles)
Okay. Okay, here's a place
that's open 24 hours,
and, uh... yes!
They cater Thanksgiving.
Okay, $28.50 a head times
30 people, that's... uh...
Well, you got to simplify.
Three times three is nine. We know that.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
$28.50, so, you, uh...
subtract $1.50 from 30 and, uh...
I got this, I got this.
Okay, you take the five
from the zero and that's, uh...
... $28.50.
That's where we started!
All right, let's try this again.
All right, three times three is nine.
That's locked in.
Oh, forget it, it's
almost a thousand dollars.
Wait a minute, I think I got this.
We need Thanksgiving side dishes, right?
Yeah.
That's exactly what our wives
are making right now.
We need that food.
But, if we're using their food,
isn't that like using Andi's help?
Yeah, but not if she
doesn't know about it.
(laughing): Oh...
Nope, still don't get it.
Hey, uh, Dad just texted me.
He wants to know if
you're finished cooking
and if the coast is
clear in the kitchen?
(phone chirps)
Oh, here's another one.
“Don't tell your mom I asked.”
Why would he care if
we're in the kitchen?
Oh, my God. They're coming for the food.
- Hmm.
- They're not even gonna ask us,
they're just gonna take it.
This sounds like a Don idea.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
though. They don't know
we made all this extra
food for the school.
That means they're willing to run off
with our family Thanksgiving.
It's like the idiot's version
of Ocean's Eleven.
You know what, sweetie? I'm
glad you're here to see this
because no matter how
good they look in a tuxedo,
this is where it ends up.
How did you get in here?
The door.
You got no style.
Oh, look at this.
The mother lode.
Stuffing, mashed potatoes,
cranberry salad,
deviled eggs.
Huh?
Hang on.
She made all these deviled eggs
for our little family Thanksgiving?
Mmm. This stuffing is righteous.
- Mmm.
- Will you put that down!
They're not even trying to be quiet.
Who stops in the middle of this to eat?
That would be Don.
Last summer, at the state fair,
he lost a game of tic-tac-toe
to a chicken.
Something's not right.
There's too much of everything.
Don, check the cranberry salad.
Does it look like it's for a family
or 30 kindergarteners?
It's hard to tell,
there's 30 individual cups.
Unbelievable.
Andi made all of this for me.
I knew she couldn't
keep her nose out of it.
- (Don sighs)
- I'll bet you
they're watching us right now.
Aha!
No, no, no, no, no. Aha!
You said you were gonna stay out of it.
You said you were gonna handle it.
- This is me handling it.
- Oh, yeah?
By stealing from me?
Why can't you just admit
that you need my help?
Why can't you just
admit that you need me
to need your help?
Fine, yes. I do!
Aha! For real, this time.
Okay.
Aha!
Whoa... (stammering)
Look, I admit that
tonight, when I found out
that everybody was bringing napkins,
I-I was a little happy.
And there it is.
But only because...
I like it when you need me. I need it.
It's why I married someone so...
Hey, step careful here.
Perfectly imperfect.
I'll take it.
I mean, when I went back to work
and you took over all the kid stuff,
I thought...
I don't know, I'd have to be
jumping in to save the day,
but you've been just fine.
It just...
it made me feel like I'm not necessary.
(smacks lips) Oh,
you make it so hard to fight you now!
Come here.
(clicks tongue)
I need you.
You're just not supposed to know it.
(Andi chuckles)
Boo! We came for a fight.
Don't worry, Don. You'll get one.
Boo...
Let's get all this food
and get out of here.
Okay.
Wait, how did you know
everyone was bringing napkins?
Aw, honey, we already
hugged. No more questions.
Okay, thanks, guys. Head upstairs.
And don't forget to brush your teeth.
(groans)
They're not gonna brush their teeth.
Well, you said it. That's
all that matters in court.
Hey, look, thanks for helping.
I couldn't have done
all this without you.
Well, this is why our marriage works.
I need you, you need me.
And together, we make
one whole needy person.
And now, we are gonna crush
this Thanksgiving party
the same way we crush
marriage and parenting.
Yep. Half-assed and
just in the nick of time.
(knocking)
Oh.
- Hey, Marie.
- Hi.
Sorry to come by so late,
I won't be at school tomorrow, so
- I figured I'd drop this off now.
- (door closes)
Good old Marie.
Bringing the turkey,
the last piece of the puzzle.
Let's take a look.
That's not a turkey.
That's chicken wings in
the shape of a turkey.
Yeah. I totally forgot
about making the turkey
till I was sitting at Hooters.
Huh. I didn't know
women went to Hooters.
'Cause, you know, we already have 'em.
Nah, it's great. Guys always
go there thinking they're gonna
take home a waitress, but...
when last call rolls around,
it's my turn to be picky.
Happy Thanksgiving.
(door closes)
I... (sighs)
I can't serve chicken
wings at Thanksgiving.
Well, what choice do we have?
We don't have another turkey.
Well, there is Jerome.
Oh. No, honey, I can't let you do that.
You love that salty bastard.
You're right. I do.
Besides, the last thing you
rubbed that much, you married.
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, you did.
(laughter)
Well, honey, looks
like we pulled it off.
Yeah, this is delicious.
- And sorry I forgot the napkins.
- Uh.
That's okay. About 15
other people had your back.
- (laughter)
- You know, you don't usually
think of Hooters chicken
wings for Thanksgiving,
but I got to say, I like it.
Yeah. Wait. How do you
know they're Hooters wings?
I worked my way through college.
Wow. I did not see that coming.
I mean, I did... (laughs) but I didn't.
ADAM: Lowell,
I never thought I'd say this, but...
hit me with some more of that casserole.
- You want seconds?
- Yeah, once you get used to the smell,
it works. it works.
I've never felt taller.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
gang. Huh? Look at this guy.
I named him Jerome,
'cause he's got thighs
like Jerome Bettis.
You ever seen a
Thanksgiving bird like this?
Yeah. We saw that exact
one at the turkey farm.
Except he had feathers and
his head was still attached.
Please, tell me you didn't actually
let them see the turkeys get killed.
- Well... They got to pet them first.
- Oh, my God...
Wait, that's not the
same turkey I fed, is it?
No!
No. No, no, no.
They set that one free.
This was the mean one.
No, it isn't. It's the exact same one.
It was the mean one, Katie.
Well, he's gonna be delicious.
Can you say a prayer for Jerome?
Uh...
Sure, Butter Bean.
Yeah, uh, let's see, uh...
Jerome...
You had a good life.
And though you were very mean
and not the turkey that Teddy fed,
we promise your death won't be in vain.
We will not fill up on bread, amen.
ALL: Amen.
All right, good.
Hey. Why are you guys here?
Principal's office.
My kid's pet snake
got out of his backpack.
And I'm standing here
because I'm frozen with fear.
What? Just because that little
snake on the floor behind you?
(gasps)
(laughter)
I hated that, but I
loved the camaraderie.
Okay. All right, I got
to bring Emme her lunch.
Why didn't you have Andi bring it?
- Well, she's at work.
- No, she's not.
She's in there with Mrs. Rodriguez.
- What?
- (laughter)
Hey.
Adam. What are you doing here?
Well, Emme forgot her lunch, uh...
What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same question.
You just did, and I answered it.
What... what's going on?
Oh, nothing. I was
just on my lunch break,
I thought I'd, uh, pop in.
Okay, you're biting your lower lip,
which means you've
done something horrible.
- (scoffs)
- What'd you do?
Was it something at home?
Did you throw out my antlers?
- No!
- Singing fish?
Mr. Burns, Andi came by to discuss
the school's Thanksgiving
party next week.
- (sighs)
- As the room parent, I assume
you've been reading all
the e-mails I sent you?
Let's not play this
game. You know I haven't.
As I explained, we will need
an entire Thanksgiving
dinner for 30 people.
Full spread, by Wednesday.
Well, I think I can speak
for all parents when I say
that sounds like a bummer.
Which is why, even
though you're room parent,
I think Andi should
handle organizing it.
Those are the sweetest
words I've ever heard.
Now I know what I'm thankful
for this Thanksgiving.
Well, good! I'm glad you're happy.
Oh, very thoughtful
of you, Mrs. Rodriguez.
(laughing): Wasn't my idea.
Andi called me,
concerned you'd need help.
Whoa. Go... hold on a
second, you called her?
- No.
- Yes.
(scoffs)
Just tell me the truth.
(groans) Fine.
Adam, I threw out your singing fish.
Hold on, hold on.
You schemed and plotted with...
don't take this the wrong way...
my archenemy?
Because you don't
think I'm capable of...
cooking a meal?
Look, I don't care
if she thinks I can't do it.
I care if you think it.
Does it help if we both think it?
ANDI: Hi. Hi, Jerome.
Oh, you don't get
to talk to him.
What is your problem?
Why are you so upset?
Because we're supposed to be a team.
I'm Batman and you're Robin.
And I just walked into
the Batcave and caught you
planning a Thanksgiving
party with the Joker!
Okay, first of all,
I am not Robin,
I am Mrs. Batman.
There is no Mrs. Batman.
Have you seen the Batcave?
Only a woman could've put that together.
Look, this Thanksgiving
party is just too much work.
I mean, when I did it in the
past, it took weeks of planning.
And... and you haven't
even read her e-mails.
Well, neither have you.
Well, yeah, I did.
She blind CC'd me on everything.
I can't believe she did that.
What is that?
It means she puts me on all the e-mails
and just hides my address.
Now, why would she do that?
(chuckling): Well, because, I...
She... somebody
asked her to do it, I...
I haven't even screwed anything up yet,
and you're already
sticking your nose in.
(chuckles) You know what I think?
I think you're the one
with the problem. Not me.
Oh, that is so ridiculous,
I can't even laugh.
Oh, no. Wait. Yes, I can. (laughs)
You're so off.
This isn't about me.
This is about your need
to be in control. That's the point.
No, no, no. The point is that
you're completely overreacting
because your pride is wounded.
See? You're even controlling
what I think the point is.
(scoffs) Okay, here's
what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna do this
thing without your help.
- Well, you can't do it all yourself.
- I won't be.
I'll send out an e-mail,
and I'll blind CC myself,
and I'll tell all the other
parents to bring something.
So, you just stay out of it.
Okay. Fine.
Thank you. Now, if you'll please leave,
all this conflict is
not good for Jerome.
When I pull off this Thanksgiving party,
Andi's gonna know who wears
the cape in this family.
Cape? What are you
guys doing over there?
I say just let Andi do it.
No. No. I said I was gonna do this job,
and I'm gonna do it as well as I can.
I have this crazy thing called pride.
You're looking at this school
Thanksgiving thing all wrong.
You hate being room parent, right?
Yeah, so?
Then my advice is, you totally blow it.
Once you screw something up,
no one asks you to do it again.
I only had to be a
pallbearer that one time.
Yeah. You know, you should be careful,
'cause some of those relatives
are gonna have to carry you one day.
Nope. Blasting my ashes
right up into space.
I'm just saying, it just
sounds like a lot of work.
Not if you have a crew. I
got the drywall guys making me
paper hand turkeys.
Hey, Kowalski. You
call that a hand turkey?
Kowalski's only got three fingers.
Sorry, buddy. Thumbs-up.
No thumb.
ADAM: Okay.
Turkey place cards, check.
Tablecloth, check.
Decorations, check.
Redemption? A-check.
Yeah. Real impressive.
But this is the sound
of people not asking you
to do stuff anymore.
Hear that?
Those are freedom bubbles.
(knocking at door)
Hello, pilgrims.
I couldn't wait
for the school Thanksgiving tomorrow.
I had to bring you my side dish tonight.
Oh, you're a good man, Lowell.
Not sure how you got my address,
but we'll talk about that later.
What do you got? Mashed
potatoes, green beans?
Better. Foie gras
Brussels sprouts in a pomegranate glaze
with juniper berries,
thyme leaves, and farro.
DON: I love this guy.
He's always swinging for the fences.
Well, we can use it to scare the kids
into eating the other vegetables.
- Hey, Andi.
- ANDI: Oh, hey, Lowell.
That is...
what is that?
Oh, no, no, don't make him say it again.
Oh, um, Don, uh,
we're headed over your house
to help Marcy make all the sides
- for the family Thanksgiving.
- Oh, good.
I felt bad leaving her
to do it all by herself.
What smells?
It's this guy.
Teddy, don't be rude.
Remember the rule that we
learned at Grandma's house?
When something smells,
we don't talk about it.
All right?
Come on, wait for me in the car.
Your children are lovely.
So, uh...
how's it going down here?
Great, yeah,
the dishes have started rolling in,
my crew made me 30
fun and festive turkey place cards.
So, you don't need me.
Nope. I could just...
leave you here to do it all yourself.
- Yup.
- Okay, well,
great 'cause...
you know, I'm never happier
than when you can handle
it all on your own and...
I can just stay out of it.
(both chuckle)
Doesn't sound like it.
Bye-bye.
Oh, wait, um, real quick,
um, some of the kids are
allergic to nuts, okay?
So, don't bring any pecan pies.
Oh, and there's always
one kid who picks up
a gourd and pretends it...
Sorry.
Felt like you couldn't
pull the trigger on that one.
Then Adam actually had the nerve
to accuse me of always
having to be in control.
But that's true, right?
Yes, that's why I'm so upset.
Look, I know it's hard,
but you just have to back off.
I mean,
would you do everything
better and smarter?
Of course, you're a woman.
We're better and smarter.
Maybe that's why we
live longer, you know?
So at the end, we can
have just a few years
- of things being right.
- Mm.
Everything's gonna be
so clean then.
I just wish I knew
what was happening over there, you know?
I mean,
how bad would it be
if I checked his e-mails
from the other parents?
I mean, just to make sure
that he's in good shape.
Oh, I say go for it.
I check Don's e-mails
more than he does.
Oh.
Okay, Jerome, sleep tight, buddy.
I'm not a turkey guy.
I grew up on a farm
and I won't eat anything
that beat me in a fight.
Okay.
Oh, you coming back in? Okay.
All right, time to check and see
what the other parents are bringing.
Ooh, you have 20 unread e-mails.
You must feel like a celebrity.
Yeah, the other parents
were blowing me off,
so I had to hit them
with a sharply worded
reminder last night.
Your life's brutal.
Okay, we're off to a good start.
Marie says she's bringing the turkey.
Uh... someone's bringing napkins.
That's good.
Uh... someone else is bringing napkins.
Plenty of those.
More napkins.
Napkins...
napkins.
Lowell, I got a serious problem here.
Everyone's bringing napkins.
Not everyone.
Lily's dad is bringing paper towels.
That's just napkins on a stick.
On the bright side,
this is going to make my dish
the star of the party.
Napkins.
The other parents are
just bringing napkins.
You know what, that does it.
Marcy, get out more potatoes.
We got to cook enough sides for 30 kids.
I thought you were staying out of it.
Well, I can't just do nothing.
It's like watching a turtle
try to cross the highway.
He's never gonna make it.
In that case, somebody
better bring a shovel.
None of the other parents
are picking up the phone.
I got no side dishes!
(clears throat)
That people will eat.
Congratulations.
For what?
For blowing the school Thanksgiving.
They won't ask you to
do anything ever again.
Maybe it's time to call Andi.
No. No, I'm not calling Andi.
If I do, it'll upset the
whole balance of power.
I'll be... I'll be Robin.
So what?
You still get to go on the adventures.
You just won't have to
make any of the decisions.
That's how it is in my marriage.
Come on in, the water's fine.
You know what, I think I could still
pull this off without her.
I got my place cards.
Marie's bringing the turkey.
I got your hoity-toity
prison food casserole.
All I need is the other stuff.
Other stuff meaning
enough food for 30 people?
Yeah, it could be done, right?
Let's see.
Side dishes, potatoes,
gravy, stuffing, pies...
If the three of us...
The two of you.
... pull together, we can do anything.
I'm here for you until the end.
- Oh.
- (phone beeps)
Oop, I got to go.
What? What's wrong?
My wife texted.
We're trying to have another baby
and she's ovulating.
She's already ankles up
in the swing chair, waiting for me.
That guy continues to surprise me.
Well, there goes any chance of
us actually cooking this dinner.
- (sighs)
- Okay, we need
a plan “B.”
We just go out and buy it?
(groans lightly)
Yes!
- Now you're thinking.
- (laughs)
Hey, I'm always
thinking, little brother.
Who went to six months
of community college?
(chuckles)
Okay. Okay, here's a place
that's open 24 hours,
and, uh... yes!
They cater Thanksgiving.
Okay, $28.50 a head times
30 people, that's... uh...
Well, you got to simplify.
Three times three is nine. We know that.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
$28.50, so, you, uh...
subtract $1.50 from 30 and, uh...
I got this, I got this.
Okay, you take the five
from the zero and that's, uh...
... $28.50.
That's where we started!
All right, let's try this again.
All right, three times three is nine.
That's locked in.
Oh, forget it, it's
almost a thousand dollars.
Wait a minute, I think I got this.
We need Thanksgiving side dishes, right?
Yeah.
That's exactly what our wives
are making right now.
We need that food.
But, if we're using their food,
isn't that like using Andi's help?
Yeah, but not if she
doesn't know about it.
(laughing): Oh...
Nope, still don't get it.
Hey, uh, Dad just texted me.
He wants to know if
you're finished cooking
and if the coast is
clear in the kitchen?
(phone chirps)
Oh, here's another one.
“Don't tell your mom I asked.”
Why would he care if
we're in the kitchen?
Oh, my God. They're coming for the food.
- Hmm.
- They're not even gonna ask us,
they're just gonna take it.
This sounds like a Don idea.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
though. They don't know
we made all this extra
food for the school.
That means they're willing to run off
with our family Thanksgiving.
It's like the idiot's version
of Ocean's Eleven.
You know what, sweetie? I'm
glad you're here to see this
because no matter how
good they look in a tuxedo,
this is where it ends up.
How did you get in here?
The door.
You got no style.
Oh, look at this.
The mother lode.
Stuffing, mashed potatoes,
cranberry salad,
deviled eggs.
Huh?
Hang on.
She made all these deviled eggs
for our little family Thanksgiving?
Mmm. This stuffing is righteous.
- Mmm.
- Will you put that down!
They're not even trying to be quiet.
Who stops in the middle of this to eat?
That would be Don.
Last summer, at the state fair,
he lost a game of tic-tac-toe
to a chicken.
Something's not right.
There's too much of everything.
Don, check the cranberry salad.
Does it look like it's for a family
or 30 kindergarteners?
It's hard to tell,
there's 30 individual cups.
Unbelievable.
Andi made all of this for me.
I knew she couldn't
keep her nose out of it.
- (Don sighs)
- I'll bet you
they're watching us right now.
Aha!
No, no, no, no, no. Aha!
You said you were gonna stay out of it.
You said you were gonna handle it.
- This is me handling it.
- Oh, yeah?
By stealing from me?
Why can't you just admit
that you need my help?
Why can't you just
admit that you need me
to need your help?
Fine, yes. I do!
Aha! For real, this time.
Okay.
Aha!
Whoa... (stammering)
Look, I admit that
tonight, when I found out
that everybody was bringing napkins,
I-I was a little happy.
And there it is.
But only because...
I like it when you need me. I need it.
It's why I married someone so...
Hey, step careful here.
Perfectly imperfect.
I'll take it.
I mean, when I went back to work
and you took over all the kid stuff,
I thought...
I don't know, I'd have to be
jumping in to save the day,
but you've been just fine.
It just...
it made me feel like I'm not necessary.
(smacks lips) Oh,
you make it so hard to fight you now!
Come here.
(clicks tongue)
I need you.
You're just not supposed to know it.
(Andi chuckles)
Boo! We came for a fight.
Don't worry, Don. You'll get one.
Boo...
Let's get all this food
and get out of here.
Okay.
Wait, how did you know
everyone was bringing napkins?
Aw, honey, we already
hugged. No more questions.
Okay, thanks, guys. Head upstairs.
And don't forget to brush your teeth.
(groans)
They're not gonna brush their teeth.
Well, you said it. That's
all that matters in court.
Hey, look, thanks for helping.
I couldn't have done
all this without you.
Well, this is why our marriage works.
I need you, you need me.
And together, we make
one whole needy person.
And now, we are gonna crush
this Thanksgiving party
the same way we crush
marriage and parenting.
Yep. Half-assed and
just in the nick of time.
(knocking)
Oh.
- Hey, Marie.
- Hi.
Sorry to come by so late,
I won't be at school tomorrow, so
- I figured I'd drop this off now.
- (door closes)
Good old Marie.
Bringing the turkey,
the last piece of the puzzle.
Let's take a look.
That's not a turkey.
That's chicken wings in
the shape of a turkey.
Yeah. I totally forgot
about making the turkey
till I was sitting at Hooters.
Huh. I didn't know
women went to Hooters.
'Cause, you know, we already have 'em.
Nah, it's great. Guys always
go there thinking they're gonna
take home a waitress, but...
when last call rolls around,
it's my turn to be picky.
Happy Thanksgiving.
(door closes)
I... (sighs)
I can't serve chicken
wings at Thanksgiving.
Well, what choice do we have?
We don't have another turkey.
Well, there is Jerome.
Oh. No, honey, I can't let you do that.
You love that salty bastard.
You're right. I do.
Besides, the last thing you
rubbed that much, you married.
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, you did.
(laughter)
Well, honey, looks
like we pulled it off.
Yeah, this is delicious.
- And sorry I forgot the napkins.
- Uh.
That's okay. About 15
other people had your back.
- (laughter)
- You know, you don't usually
think of Hooters chicken
wings for Thanksgiving,
but I got to say, I like it.
Yeah. Wait. How do you
know they're Hooters wings?
I worked my way through college.
Wow. I did not see that coming.
I mean, I did... (laughs) but I didn't.
ADAM: Lowell,
I never thought I'd say this, but...
hit me with some more of that casserole.
- You want seconds?
- Yeah, once you get used to the smell,
it works. it works.
I've never felt taller.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.