Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Kate's First Date - full transcript
So, you guys have a big
anniversary coming up, huh?
Yup. 20 years.
- 20 years with Don.
- Yeah.
That is hard time.
ANDI: You know, you might want
to get her something more romantic
than last year's Chipotle gift card.
It was $19... a dollar a year.
It's not about how much he spends on me.
That's my girl.
It's about finding a
gift that's thoughtful,
meaningful, that shows
how well he knows me.
Oh, so you want disappointment
for your anniversary.
KATE: Hey.
Mom, can we go to the mall tomorrow?
I found the perfect
outfit for Saturday night.
Oh, what's, uh... what's Saturday night?
My first date.
What?
Um, actually, honey,
I-I haven't really discussed
that with your dad, yet.
Oh. (laughs)
Just remember, Daddy, you're my hero.
(chuckles)
Buckle up, baby.
Katie has a date Saturday night?
When were you planning
on telling me about this?
Sunday morning.
We agreed she was not
gonna date until she's 35.
No, you just said that one day
after we watched Teen Mom.
She's almost 14. Most of her friends
have been dating for months.
MARCY: This is when it starts.
I was 13 when I first went out with Don.
- Mm-hmm.
- You hear that?
Marcy could have been somebody.
Come on, it's not like I'm
making her a child bride.
She's just going out with that
nice boy from her class... Royce.
Royce? Royce... with all the
hair and the wallet on a chain?
What's a 13-year-old kid
need a wallet for anyway?
Condoms.
Don!
No, he's right.
You know, I've seen
that Royce kid around.
He's a player.
And you know this because?
Andi. Who are you talking to?
Huh?
I was 14 once. I know the game.
Right? You give the gals
a little bit of this,
a little bit of that,
and all the red lights turn green!
Oh, my God. (laughs)
Trust me.
I can spot my own kind.
- Yeah, we players know players.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, look, you're being
protective, all right?
And-and I love that about
you, but we both know
that you are not gonna
like anyone she dates.
No. No, that's not it.
My instincts are telling
me that this kid is no good.
And I don't want Katie dating him.
Okay, well, I already
told her that she could.
If it makes you feel
any better, I-I can...
I can do a little of this. Huh?
And a little bit of that.
That's not how you do it.
Okay, and you can't just
make a unilateral decision.
We discuss things in this family.
Well, yes, usually, but, you
know, I knew you'd say no,
and then, I'd veto your no,
so then I just thought, hey,
(blows raspberry) why not
just cut out the middle man?
Okay, well, first of
all (blows raspberry)
I'm not the middle man.
Okay?
I am the man.
And second of all, if
you're going to unilaterally
decide she can go, then
I'm going to unilaterally
decide that your decision
is caca.
Oh, don't you remember
Romeo and Juliet?
If you don't give your
daughter the freedom to date
who she wants, it does not end well.
Oh. Well, don't you remember
those Taken movies?
That's what happens when you
give your daughter freedom.
Taken, Andi. One, two,
three times they get taken.
Mwah. Okay, bye, guys. In you go.
Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, Royce.
- What's up, girl?
- (laughs)
You see that? He called her "girl."
She has a name, Royce!
Yeah, it's Kate. Sometimes Katie.
- Ah, guys like that never listen to me.
- Yeah.
- Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez?
- Mm?
Um, what do you know
about that kid Royce
that's always hanging around Katie?
Oh, he's one of my favorites.
He's an honor roll student,
started his own dog-walking company,
even works weekends at the mall.
Oh, I see, huh? He
charmed you, too, huh?
What'd he do, give you
a little bit of this
little bit of that?
Stop that. What is that?
There's children here, for God sakes.
I'm telling you, I have got
a gut feeling that this kid
is no good. I just need proof.
So what's the plan, chief?
Well, first, keep calling
me "chief." I like that.
Ooh, okay.
These kids put everything
they do on the Internet.
- Maybe we can find something on him there.
- Oh, I'm your man.
If there is dirty laundry about
Royce online, I'll find it.
I'm like Russia,
- but with the easy grace of France.
- Oh.
Well, I'm like America,
so let's go get a burger
and stick our noses
where they don't belong.
LOWELL: Okay.
I managed to uncover Royce's
public Instagram page.
Lowell, I could have done that.
But then we wouldn't be
on this buddy adventure.
Oh, look at this.
Every picture, he's
with a different girl.
I knew Royce was a dog. I
got to show this to Andi.
Oh, that's my comput... okay, it's fine!
You know, I just realized
we've never been alone together.
You're an odd bird, aren't you?
I have feelings, if that's
what you're getting at.
Great, because I have a question
for somebody who has feelings.
My anniversary is coming up, and
I have a gift in mind for Marcy.
Let me run it by you.
Oh, I'm great at
finding the perfect gift.
Hit me with it.
A dirt bike.
Why would you get Marcy a dirt bike?
Ah. Because secretly,
I want a dirt bike.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
- Uh-huh, uh huh.
- Ah?
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?
I don't wear much jewelry.
For Marcy!
- Oh.
- Let-Let's think about her.
What does Marcy mean to you?
She's the mother of my son
and the love of my life.
Good! And when you
think of her, you feel?
Guilty.
Something nice.
Horny?
Dear God.
What other feelings are there?
Nope. That's all of them.
Whose computer is this?
Will you pay attention?
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.
Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.
Royce between two half-naked girls.
- They're on a beach.
- (scoffs)
Read the hashtags. #SavingaBeachedWhale.
♪ SavingTheWorld. ♪Peace.
What a weirdo!
Adam, you're grasping at straws now.
I'm telling you,
I have looked in this kid's
eyes, and they are black,
like a shark looking for dinner.
And Katie's just like some cute seal
flopping around on the beach.
with her mom telling her,
"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."
He is gonna break her heart,
and I'm not gonna sit
back and watch it happen.
Okay but you can't
just go out on your own
and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.
Oh, really?
It sounds to me like you wish
we had discussed it first.
Yeah.
Well, I knew you'd say no,
and then I'd veto your no,
so I thought, hey, why
not cut out the middle man?
Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?
Okay, first of all, I
am not the middle man.
I'm the wife.
Which means I can stay mad
a lot longer than you can.
And I have made the unilateral decision
that, mm, you need to stay out of this.
Well, then, I just made
the unilateral decision
that I'm not gonna do what you say.
Yes, you will.
Whose computer is this?
ADAM: Okay.
Royce should be here any minute.
Mrs. Rodriguez told me he
had a dog-walking company,
so I booked an appointment
online to get him to come over.
You know, scare him a little,
show him the kind of dad
he'll be dealing with.
Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.
And more importantly, she's not here.
All right, what do you want me to do?
Just back me up, all right?
Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?
Don't worry. I know what to do.
I'm not even allowed in
Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
Oh, here, here, here.
- Good morning, Mr. Burns.
- Royce.
Thanks for calling
me. You won't be sorry.
When you book me, you'll
be a 100% satisfied.
"Make the right choice. Call Royce."
Is that what you tell all the girls?
What?
Did he stutter?!
Look, I actually called you over here
for a confidential
conversation, man-to-man.
Nothing we talk about
can get back to Katie.
All right? You know my
wife, you know my daughter.
Now it's time for you to get to know me.
For instance, one of my
hobbies is I like to take walks
in the woods and bury things in holes.
Sometimes I take one thing,
cut it up, and bury
it in different holes.
Depends on my mood.
He's moody!
I guess what I really
wanted you to know is Katie
is my little girl, so you
date Katie, you date me.
You upset Katie, you upset me.
Okay? Now a lot of parents
these days are hands off,
but me... I'm more hands on.
You see what I'm saying?
He touches kids!
I think that went pretty
well with Royce this morning.
Yeah.
There was a few hiccups
on your end, but...
I think we guaranteed
that Royce will be a perfect
gentleman on their date.
What's wrong with her?
Royce cancelled their date.
What?
Uh, did he happen to mention why?
No. No, he just, he-he texted her
and didn't explain anything.
Oh, that's good.
I mean, the why isn't really important.
What's important is that
we establish who's to blame,
and that is Royce.
Well, I am gonna call
Royce's mom, and we
- are gonna get to the bottom of this.
- What? No, no, no, no.
You don't need to get
to the bottom of it.
Let's stay at the top.
It's nice at the top, huh?
The penthouse of life...
that's where we live.
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying, you're right.
In fact, you're always right.
From now on, we should
do whatever you say.
What did you do?
Let me tell her, please. Let
me be the one to tell her.
So you scared Royce into
cancelling their date?
I scared Royce.
And he cancelled their date.
You can't prove the connection.
Okay, well, good job, Adam,
because your daughter is heartbroken.
You did the exact thing to her
that you said Royce would do.
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.
So I say now we do your
thing and just stay out of it.
Okay?
I mean, we don't want
to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.
No, Adam, she blames herself.
She thinks there's
something wrong with her.
She doesn't know that really
there's just something
very, very wrong with you.
But I'm her hero.
Maybe you should take
the rap on this one.
I'm going, I'm going.
(knocking)
Hey, Katie.
(clicks tongue)
Look, honey, I know you think
this whole thing is your fault,
but it isn't.
The truth is...
(sighs)
The truth is, it's my...
feeling that it's Royce's fault.
I mean, between saving
whales, walking dogs,
he takes a selfie every four seconds...
he's just too into himself.
How do you know all
that stuff about Royce?
Uh...
uh, that's a good question.
I did not see that coming. Uh...
What did you do?
You know, you are really starting
to remind me of your mother.
How'd it go?
Not good.
And now she knows it's my fault.
I blew it. You know, from now on,
you should just make all the decisions.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Say that into my phone.
- Oh, come on.
Come on. How are we gonna fix this?
(sighs): Well...
it's simple.
We are gonna make the
decision, together...
to go down to the mall and...
bag a teenage boy to date our daughter.
Fine, I'll do it.
But I still think he's a player.
He's not a player. And
I have news for you,
you are not a player anymore,
either... you are a dad.
(gasps)
- You take that back!
- Oh, come on.
- Take it back. Take it back.
- No. No.
I'm a player.
Okay.
What's in here?
Okay, this is Marcy's favorite room.
I'm only allowed in here
on special occasions,
or after a bath.
But these are her most precious things.
If I'm gonna help you
find the perfect gift,
I need to understand
what makes Marcy tick.
Oh, well, that's easy...
it's Chardonnay and revenge.
Oh, I love those plates.
Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't
be on the carpet.
We have to leave this
place exactly as it was.
Marcy will see those footprints.
I came up with this technique
to get to the M&M's she keeps in here.
Careful.
Careful. No touching, no touching.
Hey, I recognize these.
These are Criscioni
commemorative plates.
There's one for each month,
and she's missing December.
She'll love it!
And I only have to buy one plate.
So I'll have enough for a dirt bike.
Okay, okay, she'll know
if it's a little off.
(gasping)
Oh.
Hey, sport. (chuckles)
I'm friends with the mall cop.
Come on. Relax, Royce.
What I said this morning was wrong.
I should have just stayed out of it.
And I probably would have
if you didn't have such ridiculous hair.
- Do you even have a mirror at home?
- Oh, Adam.
- What? What?
- Adam...
Stay focused.
Okay.
(chuckles)
Bottom line, Katie likes
you and you like her,
so...
please take her out.
But you threatened to
bury me in the woods.
You did what?
He's paraphrasing.
That's why I cancelled.
I would never come between
a father and a daughter.
Oh, God, this kid is great.
Are you buying this
crap? He's playing you.
- Stop playing us.
- Adam!
No.
No. No. I know who you are.
Okay? I was a player, too.
And still am.
- Okay?
- Okay.
But I've been outvoted.
So here's what's gonna happen.
You are gonna date my daughter,
whether you like it or not.
'Cause I know where you
live, I know where you work,
- I will dig a deep hole, and I'll...
- Okay, okay,
okay, that's it, that's
enough, that's enough.
Now...
okay, what...
Adam is trying to say is...
we're just... we're really impressed
by how mature and-and caring you are.
Wrong.
We just think you're
an incredibly nice kid.
Doubt it.
And we would be thrilled
if you dated Katie.
- (blows raspberry)
- Adam!
I'm gonna make you wait in the car.
So just, don't let
us spoil this for you.
You know? So... what do you say?
Okay, we'll go on the date.
Oh, great!
Surprise! Hi. I'm Daphne.
Royce's girlfriend.
You must be his grandparents.
I've heard a lot about you.
Excuse me?
(louder): I said, I've
heard a lot about you.
How dare you try to date our daughter
when you have a girlfriend!
Wait, you asked another girl out?
I'm out of here.
Listen to me, you...
poofy-haired little rat.
Get him, babe.
I know where you live,
and I know where you work,
and if you ever come
near our daughter again,
I will come
to the end of your rainbow
and I will kick you right in the tots.
A little free advice:
never be afraid of the crazy one,
be afraid of the one the
crazy one's afraid of.
(chuckling)
(exhales): Whew!
- You know what?
- Hmm?
That was fun.
(chuckles): Yeah.
I like doing stuff with you.
Me, too.
You're a way better goon than Don.
Aw.
Mwah. (chuckles)
And, uh...
I have to admit,
you were right about Royce.
Oh, wait, wait, say
that into my phone. Wait.
You're guys not going to believe it.
Royce was dating some
girl from another school,
and now she's blasting
him all over Instagram.
It's epic.
Yeah, we did that.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, we went down to the mall
to talk to Royce about your date.
Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's
when we met Daphne.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe you guys would do that.
That's-that's my personal life.
Oh, Katie, you're right,
we didn't respect your boundaries.
And we never will.
Yeah, it turns out that the lesson
from Romeo and Juliet is that
the parents just weren't strict enough.
This is the worst apology ever.
Oh, no, no, it's not an apology.
No, no, it's a warning to any future boy
that tries to date you.
We're gonna cyber-stalk
them, and interrogate them.
Yeah, and let them know
that, if they date you,
we'll be watching.
But if you do that, no
one will ever want to.
Then we'll have done our job.
(sighs)
(chuckles)
(sniffs, then groans)
- Oh.
- (chuckles)
Mwah. (sniffs)
You know, s-she'll make us
pay for this when we're old.
Yeah.
When the time comes,
that one is gonna be
quick to pull the plug.
I can't believe Marcy got you a
dirt bike for your anniversary.
And that she can bring it in here,
but I had to leave my beer in the hall.
(chuckles)
It was the perfect place
to hide it last night
because I knew Don wouldn't
dare come in this room.
If you got Marcy another
fast food gift card,
I suggest you ride off
on this thing right now.
- (chuckles)
- Oh, no, no, I love my girl.
In fact, I got her
something very special.
- Here you go, baby.
- Oh! (gasps)
Hey, I thought you broke those.
I had to buy a whole
new set. Cost a fortune.
(gasps) You got me my missing plate!
Honey, I never knew you
even noticed my Criscionis.
- Oh, baby, I love your crispy ponies.
- Oh.
Okay.
Aw. (gasps)
Now my collection is complete.
Okay, I can't wait anymore,
I got to take this girl for a spin.
No!
Uh... so does this mean I
can bring my beer in here now?
anniversary coming up, huh?
Yup. 20 years.
- 20 years with Don.
- Yeah.
That is hard time.
ANDI: You know, you might want
to get her something more romantic
than last year's Chipotle gift card.
It was $19... a dollar a year.
It's not about how much he spends on me.
That's my girl.
It's about finding a
gift that's thoughtful,
meaningful, that shows
how well he knows me.
Oh, so you want disappointment
for your anniversary.
KATE: Hey.
Mom, can we go to the mall tomorrow?
I found the perfect
outfit for Saturday night.
Oh, what's, uh... what's Saturday night?
My first date.
What?
Um, actually, honey,
I-I haven't really discussed
that with your dad, yet.
Oh. (laughs)
Just remember, Daddy, you're my hero.
(chuckles)
Buckle up, baby.
Katie has a date Saturday night?
When were you planning
on telling me about this?
Sunday morning.
We agreed she was not
gonna date until she's 35.
No, you just said that one day
after we watched Teen Mom.
She's almost 14. Most of her friends
have been dating for months.
MARCY: This is when it starts.
I was 13 when I first went out with Don.
- Mm-hmm.
- You hear that?
Marcy could have been somebody.
Come on, it's not like I'm
making her a child bride.
She's just going out with that
nice boy from her class... Royce.
Royce? Royce... with all the
hair and the wallet on a chain?
What's a 13-year-old kid
need a wallet for anyway?
Condoms.
Don!
No, he's right.
You know, I've seen
that Royce kid around.
He's a player.
And you know this because?
Andi. Who are you talking to?
Huh?
I was 14 once. I know the game.
Right? You give the gals
a little bit of this,
a little bit of that,
and all the red lights turn green!
Oh, my God. (laughs)
Trust me.
I can spot my own kind.
- Yeah, we players know players.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, look, you're being
protective, all right?
And-and I love that about
you, but we both know
that you are not gonna
like anyone she dates.
No. No, that's not it.
My instincts are telling
me that this kid is no good.
And I don't want Katie dating him.
Okay, well, I already
told her that she could.
If it makes you feel
any better, I-I can...
I can do a little of this. Huh?
And a little bit of that.
That's not how you do it.
Okay, and you can't just
make a unilateral decision.
We discuss things in this family.
Well, yes, usually, but, you
know, I knew you'd say no,
and then, I'd veto your no,
so then I just thought, hey,
(blows raspberry) why not
just cut out the middle man?
Okay, well, first of
all (blows raspberry)
I'm not the middle man.
Okay?
I am the man.
And second of all, if
you're going to unilaterally
decide she can go, then
I'm going to unilaterally
decide that your decision
is caca.
Oh, don't you remember
Romeo and Juliet?
If you don't give your
daughter the freedom to date
who she wants, it does not end well.
Oh. Well, don't you remember
those Taken movies?
That's what happens when you
give your daughter freedom.
Taken, Andi. One, two,
three times they get taken.
Mwah. Okay, bye, guys. In you go.
Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, Royce.
- What's up, girl?
- (laughs)
You see that? He called her "girl."
She has a name, Royce!
Yeah, it's Kate. Sometimes Katie.
- Ah, guys like that never listen to me.
- Yeah.
- Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez?
- Mm?
Um, what do you know
about that kid Royce
that's always hanging around Katie?
Oh, he's one of my favorites.
He's an honor roll student,
started his own dog-walking company,
even works weekends at the mall.
Oh, I see, huh? He
charmed you, too, huh?
What'd he do, give you
a little bit of this
little bit of that?
Stop that. What is that?
There's children here, for God sakes.
I'm telling you, I have got
a gut feeling that this kid
is no good. I just need proof.
So what's the plan, chief?
Well, first, keep calling
me "chief." I like that.
Ooh, okay.
These kids put everything
they do on the Internet.
- Maybe we can find something on him there.
- Oh, I'm your man.
If there is dirty laundry about
Royce online, I'll find it.
I'm like Russia,
- but with the easy grace of France.
- Oh.
Well, I'm like America,
so let's go get a burger
and stick our noses
where they don't belong.
LOWELL: Okay.
I managed to uncover Royce's
public Instagram page.
Lowell, I could have done that.
But then we wouldn't be
on this buddy adventure.
Oh, look at this.
Every picture, he's
with a different girl.
I knew Royce was a dog. I
got to show this to Andi.
Oh, that's my comput... okay, it's fine!
You know, I just realized
we've never been alone together.
You're an odd bird, aren't you?
I have feelings, if that's
what you're getting at.
Great, because I have a question
for somebody who has feelings.
My anniversary is coming up, and
I have a gift in mind for Marcy.
Let me run it by you.
Oh, I'm great at
finding the perfect gift.
Hit me with it.
A dirt bike.
Why would you get Marcy a dirt bike?
Ah. Because secretly,
I want a dirt bike.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
- Uh-huh, uh huh.
- Ah?
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?
I don't wear much jewelry.
For Marcy!
- Oh.
- Let-Let's think about her.
What does Marcy mean to you?
She's the mother of my son
and the love of my life.
Good! And when you
think of her, you feel?
Guilty.
Something nice.
Horny?
Dear God.
What other feelings are there?
Nope. That's all of them.
Whose computer is this?
Will you pay attention?
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.
Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.
Royce between two half-naked girls.
- They're on a beach.
- (scoffs)
Read the hashtags. #SavingaBeachedWhale.
♪ SavingTheWorld. ♪Peace.
What a weirdo!
Adam, you're grasping at straws now.
I'm telling you,
I have looked in this kid's
eyes, and they are black,
like a shark looking for dinner.
And Katie's just like some cute seal
flopping around on the beach.
with her mom telling her,
"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."
He is gonna break her heart,
and I'm not gonna sit
back and watch it happen.
Okay but you can't
just go out on your own
and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.
Oh, really?
It sounds to me like you wish
we had discussed it first.
Yeah.
Well, I knew you'd say no,
and then I'd veto your no,
so I thought, hey, why
not cut out the middle man?
Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?
Okay, first of all, I
am not the middle man.
I'm the wife.
Which means I can stay mad
a lot longer than you can.
And I have made the unilateral decision
that, mm, you need to stay out of this.
Well, then, I just made
the unilateral decision
that I'm not gonna do what you say.
Yes, you will.
Whose computer is this?
ADAM: Okay.
Royce should be here any minute.
Mrs. Rodriguez told me he
had a dog-walking company,
so I booked an appointment
online to get him to come over.
You know, scare him a little,
show him the kind of dad
he'll be dealing with.
Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.
And more importantly, she's not here.
All right, what do you want me to do?
Just back me up, all right?
Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?
Don't worry. I know what to do.
I'm not even allowed in
Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
Oh, here, here, here.
- Good morning, Mr. Burns.
- Royce.
Thanks for calling
me. You won't be sorry.
When you book me, you'll
be a 100% satisfied.
"Make the right choice. Call Royce."
Is that what you tell all the girls?
What?
Did he stutter?!
Look, I actually called you over here
for a confidential
conversation, man-to-man.
Nothing we talk about
can get back to Katie.
All right? You know my
wife, you know my daughter.
Now it's time for you to get to know me.
For instance, one of my
hobbies is I like to take walks
in the woods and bury things in holes.
Sometimes I take one thing,
cut it up, and bury
it in different holes.
Depends on my mood.
He's moody!
I guess what I really
wanted you to know is Katie
is my little girl, so you
date Katie, you date me.
You upset Katie, you upset me.
Okay? Now a lot of parents
these days are hands off,
but me... I'm more hands on.
You see what I'm saying?
He touches kids!
I think that went pretty
well with Royce this morning.
Yeah.
There was a few hiccups
on your end, but...
I think we guaranteed
that Royce will be a perfect
gentleman on their date.
What's wrong with her?
Royce cancelled their date.
What?
Uh, did he happen to mention why?
No. No, he just, he-he texted her
and didn't explain anything.
Oh, that's good.
I mean, the why isn't really important.
What's important is that
we establish who's to blame,
and that is Royce.
Well, I am gonna call
Royce's mom, and we
- are gonna get to the bottom of this.
- What? No, no, no, no.
You don't need to get
to the bottom of it.
Let's stay at the top.
It's nice at the top, huh?
The penthouse of life...
that's where we live.
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying, you're right.
In fact, you're always right.
From now on, we should
do whatever you say.
What did you do?
Let me tell her, please. Let
me be the one to tell her.
So you scared Royce into
cancelling their date?
I scared Royce.
And he cancelled their date.
You can't prove the connection.
Okay, well, good job, Adam,
because your daughter is heartbroken.
You did the exact thing to her
that you said Royce would do.
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.
So I say now we do your
thing and just stay out of it.
Okay?
I mean, we don't want
to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.
No, Adam, she blames herself.
She thinks there's
something wrong with her.
She doesn't know that really
there's just something
very, very wrong with you.
But I'm her hero.
Maybe you should take
the rap on this one.
I'm going, I'm going.
(knocking)
Hey, Katie.
(clicks tongue)
Look, honey, I know you think
this whole thing is your fault,
but it isn't.
The truth is...
(sighs)
The truth is, it's my...
feeling that it's Royce's fault.
I mean, between saving
whales, walking dogs,
he takes a selfie every four seconds...
he's just too into himself.
How do you know all
that stuff about Royce?
Uh...
uh, that's a good question.
I did not see that coming. Uh...
What did you do?
You know, you are really starting
to remind me of your mother.
How'd it go?
Not good.
And now she knows it's my fault.
I blew it. You know, from now on,
you should just make all the decisions.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Say that into my phone.
- Oh, come on.
Come on. How are we gonna fix this?
(sighs): Well...
it's simple.
We are gonna make the
decision, together...
to go down to the mall and...
bag a teenage boy to date our daughter.
Fine, I'll do it.
But I still think he's a player.
He's not a player. And
I have news for you,
you are not a player anymore,
either... you are a dad.
(gasps)
- You take that back!
- Oh, come on.
- Take it back. Take it back.
- No. No.
I'm a player.
Okay.
What's in here?
Okay, this is Marcy's favorite room.
I'm only allowed in here
on special occasions,
or after a bath.
But these are her most precious things.
If I'm gonna help you
find the perfect gift,
I need to understand
what makes Marcy tick.
Oh, well, that's easy...
it's Chardonnay and revenge.
Oh, I love those plates.
Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't
be on the carpet.
We have to leave this
place exactly as it was.
Marcy will see those footprints.
I came up with this technique
to get to the M&M's she keeps in here.
Careful.
Careful. No touching, no touching.
Hey, I recognize these.
These are Criscioni
commemorative plates.
There's one for each month,
and she's missing December.
She'll love it!
And I only have to buy one plate.
So I'll have enough for a dirt bike.
Okay, okay, she'll know
if it's a little off.
(gasping)
Oh.
Hey, sport. (chuckles)
I'm friends with the mall cop.
Come on. Relax, Royce.
What I said this morning was wrong.
I should have just stayed out of it.
And I probably would have
if you didn't have such ridiculous hair.
- Do you even have a mirror at home?
- Oh, Adam.
- What? What?
- Adam...
Stay focused.
Okay.
(chuckles)
Bottom line, Katie likes
you and you like her,
so...
please take her out.
But you threatened to
bury me in the woods.
You did what?
He's paraphrasing.
That's why I cancelled.
I would never come between
a father and a daughter.
Oh, God, this kid is great.
Are you buying this
crap? He's playing you.
- Stop playing us.
- Adam!
No.
No. No. I know who you are.
Okay? I was a player, too.
And still am.
- Okay?
- Okay.
But I've been outvoted.
So here's what's gonna happen.
You are gonna date my daughter,
whether you like it or not.
'Cause I know where you
live, I know where you work,
- I will dig a deep hole, and I'll...
- Okay, okay,
okay, that's it, that's
enough, that's enough.
Now...
okay, what...
Adam is trying to say is...
we're just... we're really impressed
by how mature and-and caring you are.
Wrong.
We just think you're
an incredibly nice kid.
Doubt it.
And we would be thrilled
if you dated Katie.
- (blows raspberry)
- Adam!
I'm gonna make you wait in the car.
So just, don't let
us spoil this for you.
You know? So... what do you say?
Okay, we'll go on the date.
Oh, great!
Surprise! Hi. I'm Daphne.
Royce's girlfriend.
You must be his grandparents.
I've heard a lot about you.
Excuse me?
(louder): I said, I've
heard a lot about you.
How dare you try to date our daughter
when you have a girlfriend!
Wait, you asked another girl out?
I'm out of here.
Listen to me, you...
poofy-haired little rat.
Get him, babe.
I know where you live,
and I know where you work,
and if you ever come
near our daughter again,
I will come
to the end of your rainbow
and I will kick you right in the tots.
A little free advice:
never be afraid of the crazy one,
be afraid of the one the
crazy one's afraid of.
(chuckling)
(exhales): Whew!
- You know what?
- Hmm?
That was fun.
(chuckles): Yeah.
I like doing stuff with you.
Me, too.
You're a way better goon than Don.
Aw.
Mwah. (chuckles)
And, uh...
I have to admit,
you were right about Royce.
Oh, wait, wait, say
that into my phone. Wait.
You're guys not going to believe it.
Royce was dating some
girl from another school,
and now she's blasting
him all over Instagram.
It's epic.
Yeah, we did that.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, we went down to the mall
to talk to Royce about your date.
Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's
when we met Daphne.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe you guys would do that.
That's-that's my personal life.
Oh, Katie, you're right,
we didn't respect your boundaries.
And we never will.
Yeah, it turns out that the lesson
from Romeo and Juliet is that
the parents just weren't strict enough.
This is the worst apology ever.
Oh, no, no, it's not an apology.
No, no, it's a warning to any future boy
that tries to date you.
We're gonna cyber-stalk
them, and interrogate them.
Yeah, and let them know
that, if they date you,
we'll be watching.
But if you do that, no
one will ever want to.
Then we'll have done our job.
(sighs)
(chuckles)
(sniffs, then groans)
- Oh.
- (chuckles)
Mwah. (sniffs)
You know, s-she'll make us
pay for this when we're old.
Yeah.
When the time comes,
that one is gonna be
quick to pull the plug.
I can't believe Marcy got you a
dirt bike for your anniversary.
And that she can bring it in here,
but I had to leave my beer in the hall.
(chuckles)
It was the perfect place
to hide it last night
because I knew Don wouldn't
dare come in this room.
If you got Marcy another
fast food gift card,
I suggest you ride off
on this thing right now.
- (chuckles)
- Oh, no, no, I love my girl.
In fact, I got her
something very special.
- Here you go, baby.
- Oh! (gasps)
Hey, I thought you broke those.
I had to buy a whole
new set. Cost a fortune.
(gasps) You got me my missing plate!
Honey, I never knew you
even noticed my Criscionis.
- Oh, baby, I love your crispy ponies.
- Oh.
Okay.
Aw. (gasps)
Now my collection is complete.
Okay, I can't wait anymore,
I got to take this girl for a spin.
No!
Uh... so does this mean I
can bring my beer in here now?