Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Three Amigos - full transcript

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look who's back from the flooring expo.

How many free burritos

did you sneak out with this time?

Six.

I'm so happy I'll be sealed

inside this tin can with you all day.

I think I might have
just changed our lives.

Turns out the only person
who likes free burritos

more than me is Lisa McCaffrey.

The property developer?



I've been trying to get a
meeting with her for years.

Well, I chatted her up at the salsa bar,

and then I held her plate
while she guac'ed her taco.

Is that your way of telling me

I'm gonna get a call from her lawyer?

No, I broke the ice.

And I got us a chance to
bid on their new development.

Five houses.

Are you serious?

Don, we've never done
a job that big before.

That could mean a lot
of money coming in.

We could buy more
equipment, hire more crew.

I think we've got a real shot at this.

I gave her the full Don Burns.



Her hair was blowing back
like a girl in a music video.

ADAM: Okay, so

when we sit down with Lisa,

I'll hit her with our
glowing references,

run her through the numbers.

Then I turn on the charm,

- and, boom, close with a joke.
- Okay.

You gonna do the one about
the one-legged ballerina

names Eileen?

No. McCaffrey's Irish.

I'm gonna go with the Pope
stuck in the phone booth.

Ah.

She'll enjoy the social commentary.

Okay, then you hand out
our floating key chains,

and try not to give 'em the one

with your car keys attached this time.

And then, boom, we-we're done.

Hey, how's the pitch coming?

Looking good, yeah. We're all done.

- We're gonna watch the game.
- Oh, hey, um,

how would you feel about inviting Lowell

to come watch with you tonight?

- Lowell?
- Mm-hmm.

Here?

On purpose?

I see enough of him at school.

And he was in rare form yesterday

at “Bring Your Dad to School” day.

So, as a contractor, I get to use

a lot of really cool tools,

like, uh, this thermal laser,

which can tell me the
temperature of anything.

Mrs. Rodriguez is...

ice-cold, as usual.

Okay, now Emme is gonna hand out free

floating key chains to all of you.

(children cheering)

Thank you, Mr. Burns,
for giving the kids things

they will throw at me later.

- Lowell, you're up.
- Thanks, Mrs. Rodriguez.

My name is Lowell,

and I am a stay-at-home dad,

which means 40 hours a week,

I am entirely alone.

And that's how I discovered my talent

for eating toast into
the shapes of states.

Well, that's why I think
you should invite him.

I saw him at the grocery store today,

and he was obviously lonely.

He's just not the kind of guy
that Don and I hang out with.

Well, I mean, is that such a bad thing?

I mean, Don, you know, I love you,

but when you two are together,
half your sentences end with,

"That's what she said."

Even when there's no way
that's what she could have said.

Honey, could you just try to
keep your fingers out of it.

That's what she said.

(both chuckling)

Yeah, well, I already told
Lowell he could come over.

He'll be here in ten minutes.

What? So basically you just

set me up on a playdate?

That is not how men make friends.

I am expanding your horizons.

I do it for myself, too,

which is why tomorrow
I am going for drinks

with Alicia Rodriguez.

Wow, I can't believe you're
doing that to yourself.

That's what she said.

I am a woman. I know what she said.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Thanks so much for having me.

When Andi said you wanted
me to come watch the game,

I was super jazzed.

Well, the jazz is mutual.

But here's the thing, Lowell.

Once the Penguins game
starts, we don't talk much.

Oh, I never talk during
Pens games... bad luck.

Gotta unpack these snacks

before the puck drops.

First up, seven-layer dip.

Spoiler alert, the
bottom layer is Doritos.

What did you just say?

He said Dorito dip.
That's dip with Doritos

in it that you can dip
into with more Doritos?

You invented this?

I've been waiting for you my whole life.

How's it going, fellas?

No talking. The game's starting.

Sorry.

I've been waiting for
you my whole life.

Here's an intermission treat.

Fresh popcorn with Junior Mints

already mixed in.

Shut up!

Hey, Don, I just got an e-mail

from Lisa McCaffrey's people.

They want to know our tech
needs for the presentation.

A bucket of water for
the key chain would help.

They could see it float.

Okay, that's an idea.

But I don't think that's what they meant

by "tech" needs.

They just want to
know if your PowerPoint

is on your laptop, or
if you're gonna integrate

with their monitors.

Do you need HDMI, VGA,

or are you going straight composite?

H-G-D... what?

It's pretty technical.

I only know about it because
I used to work in marketing

before we had kids, and I lost

a very high-stakes
arm wrestle to my wife.

- Y-you were in marketing?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, would you mind if we
ran our presentation by you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? I'm our marketing guy.

Let Little Debbie here
take care of the snacks.

Yeah, but Little Debbie sounds
like he knows what he's doing.

Okay, I like that we have nicknames,

but maybe we could try something
like "Champ" or "Scout."

I don't want to go in there
and look like amateurs.

Well, I'm just saying, I don't
think we need all that stuff.

Well, I'm just saying this
is a whole new ball game.

Lowell, back me up with some
of your nerd words there.

Come on, Scout, speak up.

Well, I loved that. Thank you.

Um, generally, when these
big companies hear pitches,

they're expecting a
multimedia presentation.

Animation, 3D models.

And I'd be happy to help if you want.

- That sounds great.
- No, thanks.

Why are you getting your back up?

Because I got the meeting,
and I'll close the deal.

It's what I've done since we started.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

this dip has upset my stomach,

and I would like to be at home.

Well, if it made you sick,
why are you taking it with you?

So later, when I feel better,

I can eat it again and make
sure that's what it was.

ADAM: Hey.

How'd it go tonight with Lowell?

Uh, he was fine. Don was the problem.

Did he eat too many snacks

and have to take his pants off again?

No, no, no, no.

Lowell offered to help us
make a more high-tech pitch,

and Don got all bent out of shape.

His fly was down,

but I think it was just a coincidence.

Well, it's not a surprise.

I mean, Don is not a
huge fan of knowledge.

Remember how mad he got when we gave him

- that word-of-the-day calendar?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he's got this theory

that his brain is like his stomach.

Every new thing he takes in

pushes an old thing out.

I've got to make room in Don's brain

for Lowell's ideas.

Well...

I'm just excited that
you got along with Lowell.

Did you tell him how much fun
you had hanging out with him?

Men don't do stuff like that.

(cell phone chimes)

It's from Lowell.

"I had so much fun
hanging out with you."

Smiley face, shooting star, hockey puck.

You have to e-mail him
back. Something thoughtful.

Will you stop trying to make me do

weird things with other men?

That's what she said.

Come on, that was solid.

But I should write Lowell back.

He is offering to help me.

Uh, well, you do it.

I'm bad at these.

Just say something breezy, yet manly.

(chuckles): Oh, fun.

Okay, "Great hanging out with you, too.

"Your pants were super cute...

bro."

Very funny. (chuckles)

Did you actually send that?

Get it back.

It's too late.

(singsongy): You have a new boyfriend.

Okay, Butterbean,

Have a great day, huh? Mwah.

Oh, listen, for your snack,

I gave you popcorn with Junior Mints.

Shut... up.

I know, you're gonna love it.

Adam! Adam!

Hey, Lowell.

Good morning, "bro."

Ah, so you got my e-mail.

I was so pumped, I
made an animated graphic

of the Burns Brothers
logo to show you what I was

talking about last night... take a look.

(heroic music plays)

(explosion)

Wow, our names exploded
right out of that house.

Hey, can you send that to
me so I can show it to Don?

I think he'll really love it.

Already did. Already sent it.

Oh. (chuckles)

This is only the beginning.

I can make a presentation
that you'll like even more

than my super cute pants.

You know, your tone is
very different in e-mails.

Yeah, people say I
sound just like my wife.

It was Andi, wasn't it?

- Well, to be honest...
- Don't answer.

I just want to ride this rainbow.

(heroic music playing)

(explosion)

Wow! Our names just
exploded out of that house!

Nice job. I love it.

I didn't make it, Lowell did.

I hate it.

What is your problem?

Our business is just you and me.

I'm the sales guy, and
you do whatever you do.

The work?

I'm just saying three's a bad number.

Somebody's gonna get pushed out,

and I don't like it.

You're always worried about
something getting pushed out.

Not everything is
like your stomach, Don.

I really think we should
let Lowell help us.

Well, I forbid it.

You can't forbid it, we're partners.

Fine, let's take a vote.

We've tried this before.

There's only two of us. It never works.

Well, let's just see what happens.

All in favor?

(sighs heavily)

All opposed?

I don't know why I even do it.

So, um, how's it going
at school with Adam?

I, uh, it's f-fine. Fine.

Aw, did you guys have another fight?

(laughing): On the contrary.

Um, uh, y-you know
what, never mind. It's...

Ah, come on. Spill it.

I'm not gonna drop it until you tell me.

You won't judge?

You won't know if I do, how about that?

(both laugh)

Last night,

I had a dream about your husband.

It was...

Cinemax-y.

(laughs)

(nervously chuckles)

And Adam and I were,

you know, boom-chucka-chucka.

Oh. (chuckles)

And sound effects.

(upbeat music plays)

Wow. I can't believe you got
the whole presentation done.

And how did you get a bald
eagle to land on my shoulder?

The first thing I did was
believe it was possible.

(chuckles)

Hey, are you sure Don's
gonna be okay with this?

Oh, when he sees this, he is
gonna be more than okay with it.

You know what, let me
worry about Don, okay?

Let's watch it again.

(chuckles)

What is Lowell doing here?

Don, I thought you had
a banjo lesson tonight.

My teacher got a gig on a riverboat.

Well, hey, I'm glad you're here.

Check out Lowell's presentation.

That's what you're doing?

I can't believe you
would go behind my back.

Well, I'm doing it for us.
I'm trying to get us this job.

But I forbade it.

Well, I think you were wrong.

Should we vote on it?

How're you gonna vote on
it, there's only the...

Don't-Don't-Don't even.

Look, you're being pigheaded.

Just take a look at it.

No. I've seen all I need to see.

Here's what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna do the presentation
to Lisa McCaffrey on my own,

without you or your new best friend.

Oh, really?

So, you're gonna be so stubborn
that you ruin it for both of us?

Yes. And if you want a meeting with her,

you can go guac her
taco on your own time.

(door closes)

Okay, the headline is
I'm your new best friend.

Wow, that sounds like a real
overreaction, even for Don.

He is stubborn like a mule.

Also like a mule, you can't walk
up behind him or he'll kick you.

Uh-huh, so there are
two mules in this fight.

Wait, why am I a mule?

Oh, please, I have had many
a fight with you, my friend.

What, you're telling me

that you change your mind
when you hear a good argument

for the other point of view?

Well, I'll let you know when I hear one.

Look, obviously for Don, this
is about more than getting a job.

I mean, sometimes things seem
like they're about one thing,

but they're really about something else.

- You think?
- Yeah.

Like... Mrs. Rodriguez
had a sex dream about you.

That's got to be

about something else. (laughs)

What?!

Did you just make that
example up or is that real?

Let's just say I made it up...

- Ugh.
- but it's real.

(laughs)

I have to see her at school.

Why would you tell me that?

Well, because I wanted to see

what my face looked
like when she told me.

So, you know... (clucks tongue)

got it.

Come on, I already got

my hands full with Don.

(sighs) Okay. I mean...

All right, well, did
you even try to find out

what's really bothering Don?

Once again, you have no
concept of how men do things.

Okay? We don't ask about feelings.

Feelings were invented a long time ago,

so that women would have
something to talk about

back at the cave...

while men were out hunting.

Okay.

So, what's your plan?

I'm gonna handle things with Don

the way I always handle things with Don.

By torturing and harassing each other

and never accomplishing anything.

Also known as the
Tom-and-Jerry method.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Say what you will, those two
guys took Hollywood by storm.

Where's my chair?

You might want to look
in the Porta Potti.

Well, I can't because
I had the Porta Potti

towed to your front porch.

Enjoy the smell.

That is so juvenile.

Yeah, well...

My drawer is full of pudding.

I'm not gonna ruin the surprise,
but I made a lot of pudding...

and it's in a lot of places.

You really think you can do this
presentation without my help?

Why not? You think you can

do the presentation without my help.

That's not what I said.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

My ears are facing the other direction.

Okay, you know what?

I'll be outside working.

Call me when you're
ready to apologize, huh?

I found the rest of the pudding.

Oh, you think so?

Okay, come on, Emme.

Hurry up before Mrs.
Rodriguez gets back.

(chuckles)

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

Andi talk to you?

Unfortunately, yes.

I'm not ice-cold now, am I?

We have got to get you in a carpool.

What are you doing here?

I got an e-mail from you

saying you wanted to apologize.

Let's hear it so I can say no.

I didn't e-mail you, you big baboon.

Or did I?

You leave your phone out,

beautiful things happen.

Well, I'm not gonna stay here

if he's not gonna apologize.

Well, I'm not apologizing.

Okay, all right, Tom
and Jerry, that's it.

I am in charge now. Sit down. Sit down.

Okay, now, obviously something
deeper is going on here,

and we need to get to the bottom of it.

Now, Don, why are you so mad at Adam?

Because he's a bossy boss
and he's always a bossy boss.

Okay. Okay.

Um, and what I'm hearing
is that, uh, Don feels like

you don't listen to him and his ideas.

That's a bunch of crap.

Okay.

(clears throat)

I-I-I think what Adam is saying is

he never knew you felt that way.

I'm the older brother.

Interesting.

Okay, um,

I-I-I think what Don is
saying is that traditionally,

he would be the leader
in your relationship.

Okay, he may be older,
but he's a big baby.

Okay.

Um, I think what-what Adam is saying

is that sometimes he feels
like you don't do what's best

for the business, like an equal partner.

He's never treated me
like an equal partner.

You only asked me to
start the business with you

because you felt sorry for me.

- What?
- Okay, okay, w-wait.

I think what Don is saying is...

Oh... oh, I think he actually said it.

I'm just your big, dumb brother
who couldn't make it on his own.

Are you kidding me?

I asked you to do it
because I needed you,

and you've always acted like
you were doing me a big favor.

I was sublimating.

Whoa.

Yeah, I read that stupid
word-of-the-day calendar.

Thanks to you, I forgot
365 perfectly good words.

Look, without you, Burns
Brothers would be nothing.

I can't talk to people and
close deals like you can.

You're our secret weapon.

You bet your ass I am.

And when you liked Lowell's thing,

I thought you were trying to
find someone to replace me.

You're my brother.

I couldn't get rid of
you even if I wanted to.

I think what Adam is
saying is he loves you.

What? N-N-No, I'm not. No.

Well, good, 'cause I
would've kicked your ass.

Aw, he loves you, too.

All right, look,

if you want to do the
presentation without Lowell

that's fine with me.

I-I-I'd rather lose the job

than lose my brother.

(sighs)

Well, I'm fine using Lowell,
as long as we do it together.

Good.

Okay, so, let's go get that
Porta Potti off your porch.

That's gonna be a filthy job.

That's what she said.

(both laughing)

- (laughing) Hey, honey.
- ANDI: Hey.

How was the presentation?

Oh, we blew everyone out of the water.

So, imagine our surprise when
she gave the job to her nephew

who just got fired from Best Buy.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Yeah, but the mini-mall she's building

is going to Burns Brothers Construction.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Yeah, that nephew's gonna have
a hard time building houses

when he keeps finding
pudding in his gloves.

(laughs)

And guess who's gonna build

a website for these guys? Me.

You don't have to guess,
I just wanted to say it.

Yeah, and none of it would've happened

if you hadn't put us
together with Lowell,

and put me and Don back together.

So... thanks for not
staying out of stuff.

Aw. (kisses)

Pleasure doing business with you.

That's what she said.

Oh.

Andi out.

Now that one was solid. Huh?

There's my girl.

(cries out)

(cries out)

Ugh.

Ugh, Andi. Andi.

I just had the weirdest dream.

(shouts)

Boom-chucka-chucka, Mr. Burns.

(cries out)

(sighs, chuckles)

Oh, forget it. My heart
can't take another one.