Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - A Dinner Gone Wrong - full transcript

Okay, only six more days

till you, me, Andi and Marcy
are on a plane to Vegas.

- (laughs)
- Oh,

we have been planning
this trip for three years

and something always,
always screws it up.

Well, it was your fault
we canceled last year.

You had to go out and
get food poisoning.

Yeah, because you cooked me fish
you bought from a guy in a van.

He was wearing a captain's
hat. He seemed legit.

And the year before that,
you had to pet that coyote.

He came right up to me.



Okay, for the next six
days, we play it safe.

No dares, no bets,

no making the crew laugh
with your nail gun tricks.

Nothing is gonna get
in the way of our trip.

All right?

Did you confirm the hotel reservation?

Yeah, I even talked them into

giving us the convention discount.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what's the catch?

No catch. Just, someone's gonna have to

pretend to be a podiatrist.

And, um, possibly give
a quick 90-minute speech.

Hey, Emme, how was ballet?



Great, I was the cutest one.

She's gonna be trouble, isn't she?

Yeah, a little bit.

(sing-songy): Six days to Vegas.

I know, I'm excited.

Oh, but,

- uh, guess what I heard at ballet?
- Hmm?

Chad Thompson had a
birthday party last week

and Teddy wasn't invited.

What? Wait, which one's Chad Thompson?

The one that calls you "toots"?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's the one who's got the head
that's too big for his body.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Bubblehead Thompson, yeah.

Yeah. I just... I
hope Teddy's not upset.

Oh, well, let's find out.

I don't suggest this often,

but let's go talk to our children.

(door closes)

Okay, you go.

Why don't you go? You're closer.

Teddy?

Listen, uh, Mom wants to talk to you.

So, Teddy...

Hey, what's going on with
Chad Thompson these days?

I-I heard he had a
birthday party last week?

I didn't want to go to that.

We don't really hang out anymore.

Oh, oh. (chuckles)

Well, so, who do you hang out with?

The guys who play
Astroline Rebellion,

the greatest computer game of all time.

Oh. Huh.

So, kids at your school play that?

No. I've never met them in person.

They're online friends.

Oh. Wow. (chuckles)

That is, um... troubling?

They're great guys...

SpaceBoss, LonerZero, TheGoobs43.

The-the goobs? What-what's a goobs?

Wh-What kind of kids are these?

They're called dorks.

All right, but, um, sweetie,

you-you hang out with actual
kids at your school, too, right?

Yeah, yeah, kids you
definitely know aren't, like,

grown men in some
Internet cafe in Bangkok.

Not really. I'm more of an
online presence these days.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

Oh, I should have
taken him fishing more.

Okay, I didn't do it sooner

because I didn't want to jinx it.

But I booked our flights to Vegas.

Great news: all middle seats.

Okay, how come we let
Don plan these trips?

Next year, we got to make sure

someone's in charge of making
sure he's not in charge.

I don't if now is the
right time to go, you know?

I mean, what, with Teddy
and the space goobers.

What? So he's a nerd. He's happy.

You're just saying that
'cause you want to go to Vegas.

Yes. Yes, but also, he seems fine.

Yeah, the world needs nerds.

What do you think would have
happened if Bill Gates' parents

had freaked out about
him being a nerd, huh?

There'd be no Angry
Birds, I'll tell you that.

I just don't want the
other kids to think

he's weird and then
give him a hard time.

Growing up is tough. (chuckles)

You know, I don't have
any personal experience

being an outsider, 'cause I've
always been hot and athletic.

- Mm-hmm.
- But, um,

- I think Don can relate.
- Mm.

Yeah. In high school,

Jimmy Dugan used to follow me around

and call me a shaved gorilla.

- (laughs)
- Oh...

Oh, a shaved gorilla. That's a...

Yeah, well, I was a nerd
growing up and it wasn't easy.

(scoffs) You know,
you're always saying that,

but I am not buying it.

If anything, you were a hot nerd.

Like, uh, like Velma
on Scooby-Doo.

Ah, you think so, huh?

Oh, yeah.

When you wear your reading glasses...

(whistles)

All right...

Well, that's because I didn't
go to the same high school

as the three of you.

Okay, I am gonna tell you guys something

I have never told anyone before.

My freshman year...

You slept with a teacher?
You got a boob job?

Why is no one else guessing?

Okay, I had just moved here

from Virginia and I
hadn't made many friends.

I thought, "I'm gonna make a big
splash at the homecoming game."

So, I go to the mall.

And there, in the window,
is a leather suit. Okay?

Just like the one Eddie Murphy
wore in his stand-up special.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It was shiny, skintight

and bright red.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And I spent all my
babysitting money on it

'cause I thought... (scoffs)

"With this suit, I can't lose."

I hope this works out for her.

You're not good with tone, are you?

ANDI: Yeah,

I realized my mistake

as soon as I hit the bleachers.

You see...

leather makes a sound.

It's a sound that-that
makes people stop

and stare.

Why do I know this story?

And that's when I
started to sweat. A lot.

And then,

a cheerleader from the other school

saw me in my Eddie Murphy suit

and she flipped her little
ponytail at me and she said,

"Oh, hey, look, it's... "

BOTH: Sweaty Murphy.

What?

But how did you know that?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're Sweaty Murphy?

(laughs)

I played in that game.

We talked about you in the huddle.

We laughed so hard, they threw a flag.

No, no, no, no,

the only way you would
know that is if...

(swallows hard)

Oh, my God.

You're the girl with the ponytail.

Oh! (laughs)

And you're the girl in the suit,

this is so funny! (laughs)

You don't think it's funny.

DON: Well, I'm just glad

you're okay, because
word on the street was

that Sweaty Murphy went crazy

and ended up in a home somewhere.

Yeah, my home.

I can't believe I married Sweaty Murphy!

(laughs)

It's not funny.

It's a little funny.

Funny.

I can't believe we have been friends

all these years and that was you.

You are not really mad
about this, are you?

It was years ago.

No, no, I'm not mad.

I mean, I guess I would
have recognized you sooner,

but your hair's too
thin for a ponytail now.

(gasps)

Oh, yeah, I said it.

Don, car.

No, no, no, don't bother leaving,

I'm going upstairs.

(Adam groans)

Wow.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad

none of that was Marcy's fault.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just practicing
for the car ride home.

Ah...

Oh, boy. How was your night?

Bad.

Marcy wanted to talk.

I spent years training
her not to depend on me

for emotional support.
That's all out the window!

After you guys left,

Andi went off about Marcy.

She went through all
the English curse words,

then started swearing in
Portuguese like her grandmother.

This Vegas trip is
starting to feel very shaky.

Oh, don't even say
that. I need this trip.

All year, I've been
working in this dump...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is our business.

I'm sorry, you know I love this place,

but the thought of
Vegas is the only thing

that gets me through
the day in this hellhole.

Look, I want to go, too.

But I don't think it's gonna happen,

unless Marcy apologizes.

Well, there's two
things Marcy never does:

one of them, she did
before we got married

and then she stopped.

The one you're talking
about, she's never done.

Well, we got to figure out
a way to talk her into it.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

You know, it's been so long,
I don't even miss it anymore.

Oh, you mean the other thing.

You want me to apologize?

That's a great idea.

Adam, you know I love Andi.

She's one of my best friends,
but she totally overreacted.

All right, between you and me,

I totally agree.

Also between you and
me, I never said that.

She also said a very
hurtful thing to me.

My hair is thick and
luxurious, right, Don?

Like a yak's chest, baby.

Thank you.

Well, look, Marcy,

you are a very powerful woman.

Like a yak!

Okay, uh, Don here is a shell of a man,

so job well done.

But with that power
comes responsibility.

You have the opportunity
now to be the bigger person.

Hmm. Appealing to my vanity, I like it.

Okay, I'll do it.

Yes! Great. This'll mean a lot to Andi.

Oh, and when you do it,

if she starts talking in Portuguese,

just power through,
that's all compliments.

(door opens)

There she is.

Surprise!

Look who came to see you.

Hello, Marcy.

That was in English, that's a good sign.

So, Andi, I just wanted to say...

Oh, you know what? Nothing you
say can change what happened.

All right? I mean,

all these years, I have regretted

not thinking of the perfect comeback

for when you called
me "Sweaty Murphy"...

- (groans)
- but I see now

that I'm not small and mean like you.

I don't have to blow out
other people's candles

to make mine shine brighter.

I saw that on a poster
in the dentist's office,

I thought it was quite something.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what?

I cannot believe that you are
still upset about something

that happened when we were kids!

It's kind of crazy.

Who are you calling crazy, doll hair?

- Oh!
- Okay, okay, okay,

I think we're moving in
the wrong direction here.

Honey, Marcy came over to apologize.

No, no, I am not apologizing anymore.

She's completely overreacting again.

Overreact... uh.
A-Are you hearing this?

Do you think I'm overreacting?

Me?

Uh... do I think you're overreacting?

She's looking right at
you. Everyone in the room

knows she's talking to you.

Adam?

Well, you are reacting.

And it's definitely not
too little. (chuckles)

It's... well, there's underreacting.

Right? Then there's
regular reacting. You know.

Then there's, uh... you.

That means over!

I never said it!

All right. I gave it a shot, Adam.

I'm out. Don, car.

(Don inhales, exhales)

I never get to stay anywhere.

I can't believe you didn't back me up.

Come on, Andi. I always have your back.

I just don't think that
something that happened

in high school should cause
all these problems today.

Because you turned out awesome.

Well, yeah. I am pretty great.

You know, but it was a
long road to get here.

(exhales) When she said,

"Don, car," I guess she meant,

"Don, I'm taking the car."

Okay, well, good. I'm glad you're back,

because you can help me.

Okay, don't you think everybody

would be better off if
Andi just let this go?

Be the bigger person,
and just forgive Marcy.

Yeah, I-I mean, I did that
to the guy from high school

who used to call me a shaved gorilla.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wait, you're not just making
this up as you go along?

- No.
- 'Cause I need something good here.

No. I-It's a nice story, actually.

Couple years ago, he came
to me looking for a job,

and I took that opportunity
to be the bigger man.

I told him to go to hell.

How does that make you the bigger man?

Well, he's like five-seven.
I'm way bigger.

I knew it.

All the parts of a good
story, but still useless.

Don, why are you on his side?

You were a nerd in high school,
too, and he doesn't get it.

I get it.

Oh, really? Have you
ever been so desperate

to get out of a leather suit
that you broke the zipper?

And then your dad had to cut you out

with an electric carving knife?

Okay. To be fair, that's
a really small club.

You know, now that I think about it,

Adam sailed through high school.

He was always the
winner, always popular.

Okay. Look, I can't help it
if people are drawn to me.

I'm... magnetic. I don't know.

Life's been easy for you, hasn't it?

It's... it's been a good run, yeah.

Well, you remember at dinner,

when I told you they
called me a shaved gorilla?

He laughed.

Oh, no. I do remember that.

It's a funny idea.

I mean, picture a gorilla.

Then, you shave him. You never see that.

(chuckles)

You know,

- I think I'm on Andi's side now.
- (groans)

And I don't think she
overreacted at all.

I think you underreacted.

You're an underreactor.

You are on the right
side of history, Don.

What? What is happening
here? Now you got him nuts?

Just because of one day,
like, a million years ago?

Adam, it wasn't just one day.

I mean, people called me
Sweaty Murphy for months.

All right? Even my homeroom teacher.

She'd do roll call in the
morning, she'd be, like,

"Murphy," comma, "Sweaty?"

And I'd have to be, like, "Here."

Oh. Okay. I didn't know any of that.

I think it's time you leave, Adam.

It's my house, Don.

Well, it looks like you
win again, doesn't it?

(door closes, knocks on wall)

Hey, Marcy.

Why are you here?

Apparently, I'm on your team, now.

Oh, ho, ho. We're gonna be unstoppable!

What? No... No! It's not good.

So how do you want to get 'em?

Okay, we're getting them.

Look, Andi is really upset.

- (sighs)
- And now,

she's got Don all worked up, too.

She even took him to the
school-parent mixer tonight,

instead of me, because
he's on her team.

I had no idea this would
be such a big deal to her.

Okay, look. I don't think either
one of us really understood

her point of view before,
because she's right.

We haven't gone through it.

- (sighs)
- And I definitely didn't handle things

the way I should've.

Well, to be honest, I feel terrible.

I mean, I love Andi.

But I think the reason that
I got so upset was because I...

I wasn't proud of the
way I behaved back then.

I was young and selfish, and
I... I didn't care who I hurt,

so, maybe Andi's right about me.

Wow.

Wow. You just said a lot
of really great things

at a really unhelpful time.

Okay, look. I think the question is...

How do we get her to forgive us?

How would I know how to do that?

Okay, Marcy. Look, it's...
everyone in town knows

you hold a hell of a grudge.

Oh, that's nice that people notice.

Yeah, okay, well. So, if
the roles were reversed,

what would it take or you to forgive?

Well, talking's not gonna do it.

We need something to let her know

that we understand how she feels.

Right? A big gesture.

Would that by any chance
be... a trip to Vegas?

- No. No.
- Oh.

No. What I would need

is something that would
make me feel better,

while at the same time,
making you feel bad.

You know, preferably, in a public
place with a lot of people watching.

Okay? And on top of that,

making a profound statement
about the underlying issue

that started the problem.

That's all.

Wow.

My brother Don is a saint.

So I told Adam,

I'm gonna go to the parent mixer

with someone who's on my team:

Don.

And I misplayed my hand
terribly, so I'm here.

Well, this may come as a shock to you,

but I was not the most popular person

in high school either.

Oh, I believe it. You seem soft, son.

Oh, my God.

Now we got a party.

Why are you dressed like that?

You... sweet, ridiculous man.

I want to be on Team Sweaty Murphy.

Even though you have
really bad uniforms.

Honey, you didn't have to do this.

Yes. I did.

And believe me,

now I understand

how you must've felt.

Sweaty...

in every area.

And humiliated.

Hey, Jim.

Oh...

Oh... you do get me.

This team sucks. Take me home.

- Ugh.
- Look what he wore for me.

Is he not the cutest?

Well, we wanted to make a point.

We? W-We who?

We...

Marcy?

MARCY: I don't want to
do this anymore, Adam!

Marcy!

(leather creaking)

(laughing): That's the stuff!

ADAM: Okay, I got my keys,

I got the tickets.

Vegas, here we come! (laughs)

I got to tell you, I didn't think

this would actually happen.

- (chuckles)
- Hey, are we still getting

the fake doctor discount?

Yeah. I just got to
write a 90-minute speech

about feet. I got the title.

"Feet: The Hands of Your Legs."

Okay, guys. Come on. We're
gonna drop you at Nana's

on the way to the airport.

All right.

Daddy, my throat hurts.

What? No. No, no, no.

Aw, honey. Come here.

Oh, Adam. She's got a fever.

No! No, no, no.

Yep. Teddy's warm, too.

Every year.

What are we gonna do? Uh...

Don't look at me. I'm a foot doctor.

Goobs, watch your tail.

This guy's level 30 xenomorph.

(gasps) Nice shot, LonerZero!

High five, guys.

Okay, that's it. We're
going fishing next weekend.

And I'm buying you a BB gun.

And this is how you high five.

With another hand.

Good morning, folks. (clears throat)

Von Burns, foot doctor.

Foot specialist.

Footballer, if you will.

Let's break down the word "feet."

From the Latin word "feetatoe."

Ten toes, two feet.

Five toes, one foot.

(Don clears his throat)

I'm gonna let that
sink in for the next...

88 minutes.

In the meantime,

I'm gonna walk with my
feet to the back bar,

get myself a nice little rum and Coke.

These are my feet, right
here, ladies and gentlemen.

My feet are walking
toward the bar in the back.

Thank you for coming out.
Enjoy the next 88 minutes.