Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 8 - Dolphin - full transcript

Josh, Lucy.

- Hi, Tom.
- Hi! [laughs]

Well... [laughs] this is a surprise.

What in Sam Heck are you kids
doing all the way out here?

Well, uh, we have a
bit of breaking news.

- News?
- We're getting married.

- [laughs] Yeah.
- You guys!

[both laugh]

You know your mother's been
hoping for this for a long time,

so when she gets the news,

we might be in for a bit of a reaction.



Yeah, God. Yeah, that's a good point.

Uh, maybe we should
take some precautions.

Yeah.

[dramatic music]

Glad you called. That mom
looks highly excitable.

When she finds out
you're getting married,

she's gonna explode.

- Are we in danger?
- Well, it depends.

This mom... does she
particularly like weddings?

[stammering] I-I would
go so far as to say

she maybe loves weddings.

[sighs] All right.

This mom... when she looks at
you, does she see a full-grown man?

Or does she still see her tiny,
little, itty-bitty baby boy?



Uh...

probably the second one.

- Which one did I say second?
- Itty... itty-bitty baby boy.

Crap. [sighs] This is gonna get hairy,

but we'll get through it.

Thanks for your help,
mister... Greenberg.

Greenberg.

Son, what's this mom's religion?

- She's Jewish.
- Back it up, people!

Back it up! Let's go!

Go, go! Move, move!

It's not worth it! Get out of here!

[TALON robot whirring]

Well, hello!

Is this for me?

[whirring]

Josh is getting married?

[screams]

Take cover!

[all scream]

Well, this is just great news.

[downtempo electronic music]

Ah!

[squeaks]

[growls]

Congratulations on the wonderful news.

We are both so happy for you.

Our Liz Greenberg,

officially a partner at
Hayes, Weber, and Rudnisky.

Thank you very much. I
appreciate this opportunity,

and I will do my utmost
to make this firm proud.

Yes!

[breathing rhythmically]

Yeah!

[whimpering] I did it.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[roars] Yes!

- Hey, Liz.
- Good morning.

[knocking] Mom?

Hello? Is anyone home?

Looking for your mom and dad?

Uh, my stepdad. Yes.

I think they're out back.

- There you are.
- Oh, hey.

Hey. [both chuckle]

- I've got some big news.
- Oh, we've already heard.

Josh is getting married.

Oh, I know. I know, it's great.

I-I have some other big news.

- Ah, yeah?
- Where are you guys going?

Oh, your mother and I have decided

to drop out of society,

and follow Josh's wedding full-time.

Yeah.

Full... full-time?

[lively rock music]

[horn honks]

- So check it out.
- Okay.

We're gonna hit them at
the stationary store today.

Okay.

Definitely at the dress-fitting.

- Mm-hmm.
- And if we drive all night...

- [chuckles]
- We are gonna make it

to the cake tasting.

Man, I could go for some cake right now.

[both laugh]

Wait, cakes... Okay,
are... are you guys high?

Wow, cool... cool instrument.

I just wanted... had some
really cool news at work today.

- I made partner!
- Whoa... bad...

Okay, here's the deal, Liz.

I know that you're into
this whole partner trip,

and... and that's cool,

but it's harshing our mellow.

[moaning]

- Tom!
- Everything's still groovy.

We're here at the stationary store, man.

- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Okay, so which one do you like better?

- Eggshell or off-white?
- Uh, which one is which?

The lighter one is eggshell.

- This one?
- Yeah.

- both: Whoo!
- Invitations!

[cheers]

- Eggshell!
- Eggshell!

Whoa, you got a really cool mom and dad.

Stepdad.

He's my stepdad.

[gentle piano plays over intercom]

[solemn music]

[dialing]

[line trilling]

This is Joel.

Hello?

Hi... hi, Dad.

Your assistant said you were so busy,

so thank you for squeezing me in.

Oh, it's no problem. A client cancelled.

Lucky me.

So, uh, are you still
clerking for that judge?

No, I left that job over five years ago.

Oh, that's right.

I'm actually over at Hayes,
Weber, and Rudnisky now.

Good firm. I hear they're pretty rough

on their associates over there.

Well, I don't have to worry about that

now that I'm a partner.

Hold on.

You're a partner? Holy...

[laughs]

What are you? The youngest partner

in the history of that firm?

Guilty.

How old are you? 32?

I just turned 31.

You know, I was exactly your age

when I made partner.

I knew that actually.

To the new partner.

What was that?

- Nothing.
- No, you made a face.

- Is the wine bad?
- No, no, it's fine.

Don't lie.

- Okay, it's not great.
- Further.

What do you mean? It's not good?

Say what's on your mind. You know it.

Say the words.

It sucks.

This wine sucks.

How did you do that?

How did you know this wine sucked?

I don't know, I-I tasted
it, and it came to me?

Come with me.

[discordant synth music]

I was born with a gift,

a gift I thought would die with me,

but it lives on.

You inherited it.

A gift? What gift?

You have the incredible ability

to tell what's good and what sucks.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm just normal. I'm a...

I'm a normal, simple woman.

Patti's normal, Josh is normal,

Tom...

I don't know what Tom is.

But you... you have a special sight.

Here, what do you think
of this public art?

I don't know, it's just art.

Focus, Liz, focus.

It sucks.

Concentrate.

Is it good? Or does it suck?

Good. This is a good tie.

This is a good tie.

Learn to harness the power.

Sucks.

And most importantly, do
not be afraid to unleash it.

That sucks.

This sucks.

Sucks. Sucks!

This whole neighborhood sucks!

Yes, it does.

It sucks.

You are very special, Liz.

If only Mom and Tom felt that way.

Well, Mom and Tom are like blind worms,

snaking their way through the muck,

bellies dragging in the filth.

Yeah. It's really annoying

how focused they are on Josh's wedding.

That's just like Patti, focusing on

insignificant things,
like marriage and weddings.

I am so glad I got out of there.

- Do you ever regret leaving?
- The only thing I regret

is what I had to leave behind.

You mean me?

Sure. Sure.

But I also left behind

a rare Jean Burdette print at the house.

- Oh.
- And God knows

its worth is lost on Patti.

Her idea of art is those
tacky blankets she knits.

- The ones with the dolphins?
- Mm, yes.

Ugh.

both: They suck.

- [laughs]
- Mom sends me one every year.

A dolphin blanket every year?

Christ, what do you do with all of them?

I shove 'em in the back of the closet.

- [phone trills]
- I'd burn them.

Shit. Listen, I gotta run.

- It's a work thing.
- Oh, no.

You know, I could get
your print back for you.

- Really?
- Yeah, I could go now.

And, uh, we could meet
up in a couple of hours.

Maybe we could get a late
dinner maybe at your club?

Yeah.

- Yeah, I would love that.
- Great.

Mm.

[chuckles]

The super juicer comes with
three removable attachments,

all of which are
completely dishwasher safe.

Oh, hey, Liz.

I'd get up and give you a hug,

but I'm as snug as a
dolphin in a blanket.

As they say. [chuckles]

Oh, Liz, we need help

with the napkin folds
for Josh's wedding.

Now which do you prefer?

The French fold, or the...

Bishop's hat?

They both suck.

Liz!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm, uh, getting Dad's print.

You saw Joel?

Yeah, I did, and we
had a lot of fun, Mom,

'cause he appreciates
things like cool art,

and having a daughter who made
partner at a major law firm.

Elizabeth, we're very proud
that you get to be manager.

I'm not manager!

I made partner.

I don't work at Foot Locker.

Hey, here's an idea.

Um, why don't we all
go out and celebrate?

We'll go to Pasta Buongiorno.

Liz, they take your picture,

and you get to be the meatballs!

I've got better plans.

Better than Pasta Buongiorno?

[door opens, closes]

But you get to be the meatballs.

Excuse me, miss, are you a member?

My dad is. We're having dinner.

He needs to be present to escort you in.

Okay, sure.

[sighs]

[line trilling]

- Joel Greenberg's office.
- Yeah, this is Liz.

Is my dad on his way?
We have dinner plans.

Right. Joel is gonna
have to cancel.

- Oh.
- Something came up.

Uh, maybe we can just
reschedule for next week then.

- Yeah, next week's no good.
- Of course.

But he did leave
a message for you.

One sec.

He said if you brought
his Jean Burdette print,

to leave it at the
club reception.

I'll tell him you called?

[laughs]

Uh...

Yeah, don't... don't bother.

[poignant music]

[stirring music]

Hi, Mom. Hey, Tom.

I brought you a new print to
replace the one that I took.

It's okay, Liz, you can keep it.

It's like you said. We
don't understand art.

Yeah, we're not fancy
like your dad, so...

Uh, look, I just...
I just want to, um...

I just want to apologize. I
was... I was so rude to you.

You did kinda hurt our feelings.

I know.

Hey, what do you say we
go out to dinner, huh?

My treat.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- Oh, no, you don't have to do that, please.

- Please?
- No.

I mean, we could go to Pasta Buongiorno.

I've never been.

both: What?

Pasta Buongiorno? Are you kidding?

No, never been.

Can I have a word with your stomach?

You're in for a treat!

- Pasta Buongiorno!
- You're in for a treat!

Pasta Buongiorno!

This place is the tops.
They make everything fun.

Buongiorno, and welcome
to Pasta Buongiorno.

The only thing hotter than our deals

is our pasta.

Can I get you all anything to start?

Well, we're thinking a
buttered bread bonanza.

Ooh, what is that?

- Tell her all about it.
- We take some bread,

butter it, and keep
serving it in baskets

- until you tell us to stop.
- We'll take one.

And are you still doing
the unlimited sauce tub?

- Yeah.
- What is that?

Tell her all about it.

We serve a mixture of our marinara,

pesto, and alfredo sauces

in one of our collectible
Pastas Buongiorno tubs.

You can take the tub home
with you for five bucks extra.

- I think we gotta get two.
- Well, all right.

- [laughs excitedly]
- All right, we're definitely

gonna be having some wine,
'cause it's not every day

we get Liz down to Pasta Buongiorno.

- So maybe...
- Oh, Liz probably knows

a lot more about wines than we do.

- Sweetie, do you wanna pick?
- You're the regulars.

I just want what you guys would get.

Okay, well, we'll have this one.

- It's our favorite.
- Now how do you say it again?

Yak piss.

Oh, wait, is it ya...
uh, yak... yakpizá?

- What it... what... what is it?
- Tell her all about it!

Gus! Table 14.

[yak grunts and chuffs]

So the yak drinks water.

That water is then
transported into his stomach,

where his body processes it into waste.

The liquid waste then comes
out of the yak's penis hole

in the form of urine,

and we ladle it out into your glass.

Just like in Italy.

Just...

Mmm.

May I?

[yak grunts and chuffs]

Did I pick the wrong kind?

[Italian music playing]

It's fine.

We're gonna get a whole
bucket of that yak piss.

To Josh's wedding.

No, to Liz,

for making partner.

Did I say that right?

You got it, Mom.

Cheers.

Warm tonight.

- It is, it's lovely.
- So warm.

A grainy kinda...

- Yes, a little...
- You feeling that grain? That grit?

- Yes, there is a grit to it.
- Yeah.

- Mmm.
- [yak grunts and chuffs]

[poignant music]

See ya.

Hope you enjoyed your
Pasta Buongiorno experience.

You seem to really get
along with your mom and dad.

Well, he's my step, uh...

Yeah, they're really great.

Ooh.

Yeah, I think those
doilies are great, Mom.

Aw, you really think so, Liz?

Yeah, Josh and
Lucy will love 'em.

- [door knocks]
- Oh, I-I gotta run.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Love you very much. Bye.

Good afternoon, Liz.

As you know, you've ingested
a large quantity of yak urine.

- Am I gonna be all right?
- I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.

That yak you drank from
was clearly mistreated.

- [groans]
- And he opened you up

to a whole host of problems.

Are you familiar with a tapeworm?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, my dog... yep.

Yeah, well, then from that,
you can probably extrapolate

what it means to have a tape-snake.

- Wow.
- You have a tape-snake.

- He's there.
- I don't feel it.

Well, when you're asleep, he's awake.

- Where?
- All around you inside.

[sighs]

You're gonna be here an awful long time,

so I would say, why don't
you make yourself at home?

[Rogue Wave's "Falling"]