Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 10 - Blood - full transcript

Josh and Lucy get married.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[jaunty string music]


- Good morning, lovebirds.
- Hi.

Bad news, the Adelmans'
flight was cancelled,

so you might have to
re-tweak the seating chart.

Okay. [sighs]

So we're gonna need to find a new spot

for, uh, Tom's in-laws, Ed and Trish.

Okay. Who do they know?

Uh, maybe one of the uncles at
the uncles and teachers table.

Good! Good, done.

Uh, next up is Julie F.

She's my mom's dentist.

Your... your mom's
dentist. Who does she know?

Uh, I'm gonna put her at the
West Coast relatives table.

Cool, cool. That just leaves us

with a spot to find for Mark.

- Who does he know?
- Uh, no one.

He, uh, woke up this morning

after being in a coma since 1987.

Oh. [sighs] Okay, uh,

could we squeeze him at a table
with one of your coworkers?

[sighs] I mean, all those
guys talk about is basketball.

Mark won't know any of the players.

Most of them weren't even born

when the air conditioner
fell on his head.

Who shrunk this television?

We could put him on our table?

Okay, well, to be honest,
we're not that close.

Like, I've hung out
with him a few times,

help the orderlies trim
his nails and stuff,

but never like a real
conversation conversation.

- But he is family, right?
- That's true.

- Hey, uh, cousin Mark.
- Hi.

Who are you people?

- Cool.
- Yeah, that's... that's good.

- What are we gonna do?
- [whispers] Ah, man.

Oh, why don't we put him
at the coma patients table?


- [clank]
- [yells]

Terrific idea. I don't know why

I didn't think of it immediately.

[downtempo electronic music]




Jesus Christ, does it
have to be so tight?

Well, as the old saying goes,

a snug bowtie means a snug marriage...

- Right.
- Is in the cards

- for the two of you.
- Uh... okay.

Good news, gentlemen, the
gas station down the street

has a wide selection of bum wine.

There's a bar open downstairs.

Eh, it's not open. Trust
me, I've been checking.

That's curious.

Could've sworn Lucy and I told them

to open at noon.

Ah, don't worry about it, Josh,

you... you two had so much to organize.

There was bound to be a
couple of oopsy-daisies.

[eerie music]

Ow, God, Mom,

how did you ever walk
down the aisle in these?

Very carefully.

Hey, Lucy, wasn't there
supposed to be a vegan option

for dinner tonight?
There should be. Why?

Is it not on the menu?

Both these entrees have cream sauces.

You know Robin's extremely
lactose intolerant.

- It's fine.
- No, it isn't, Robin.

You get torrential diarrhea.

I can just take Monday off from work.

Monday and Tuesday.

No, Robin, you shouldn't
have to do that.

There should be a vegan option.

I swear Josh and I asked for one.

Don't worry about it, darling,

you and Josh had so much to plan.

There was bound to be a
couple of oopsy-daisies.

[ringtone chiming]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can you meet me downstairs?

I think there's
something weird going on.

See? We did ask for the bar to be open.

And we did ask for a vegan option.

And what the hell are
these boring table settings?

What happened to the
funky mismatched plates

we got from the thrift store?


- Josh.
- What?

Since when does my mom
hang out with your stepdad?

Something's amiss.

[stealthy funk music]

[dramatic music]

I hereby call to order

this meeting of the
shadow wedding planners.

As you all know, it is our sworn duty

to secretly control

every aspect of this wedding.

Together, we will transform it

from a young cool person's thing

into a normal traditional wedding,

where everything is normal and nice.

Brother Jim, any
updates on the reception?

Yes, Sister Patti.

The pre-ceremony bar has been closed.

The confusing vegan option has
been stricken from the menu.

And the funky mismatch plates

are no more!

- [plates shatter]
- [gasps]

By the time our work is done,

this will be the most
normal and nice wedding

in the history of Evanston, Illinois!

Yep, straight down the middle.

- [all laugh]
- You monsters!

This is our wedding! We planned it.

[all cackling]

Oh, Josh. Oh, Lucy.

You didn't plan this wedding.

From the very beginning,
you've just been our puppets.

Like wind-up dolls, unaware
that we were the ones

spinning your gears.

Or like when a dog thinks
he's the one driving the car.

The point is, behind the scenes,

the real wedding decisions

have always been made by us.

But what about the wedding that we want?

It's too late.

The wedding we want
starts in four hours.

[all cackling]

- Throw them out!
- [demonic voice] Out!

- Wow, oh, okay.
- Oh, God, okay.

To ultimate power!

- all: Power!
- [cackles]

This is blood.

- Ow.
- Jesus. [groans]

And don't come back.

[door slams shut]

I'm your cousin, by
the way, from Arizona.

I... I don't know if you recognize me.

- It's been a really long time.
- No, I... I know who you are.

Uh, Morris, good to see you.

Uh, so did you have a good trip up here?

The flight in was... was really great.

- Okay, good.
- Good.

The drive to the airport wasn't so good.

You know, traffic.


Sometimes, you know, the
drive is really great,

and then the flight isn't so good,

but this, uh... this was the opposite.

This was... this was
the opposite. Right.


both: Yeah.

Mazel tov.

[door slams shut]

- [groans]
- I know!

I... I really wanted out wedding
to feel like... like us, you know,

and... and now it's just gonna be

a bunch of shit that our parents want,

like that guy.

- Who the hell's that again?
- That's the pastor they hired

to make sure everything
goes the way they want it to.

Well, what...

what if we told him his
services were no longer required?

What about our parents?
They... they-they want...

Who cares what our parents want.

This is our wedding, Lucy.

Let's take it back.

Okay, is everybody clear
on what they're doing?

- all: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Awesome. Okay, you guys are the best.

- Ready?
- All right, on three.

Let's do this!

Revised wedding plan on three.

all: Okay. One, two, three,

revised wedding plan!

Guys, I'm so honored that you asked me

to officiate your wedding. [exhales]

I just wanna make sure
you want your ceremony

to be so non-traditional.

Liz, all... all we care
about is that it's fun,

and that it's personal to us.

But, uh, are... are you
sure you don't wanna do

at least something a little religious?

What? Why?

Well, Mom sent us to Hebrew
school for nine years,

and Lucy, aren't your
parents pretty Christian?


There's not a single mention of God.

Liz, relax.

Who's gonna notice?

[divine organ music]

Tom, tuck your shirt in. God's here.

Nice to see you. How are you?

God! Over here!

Patti, look at you.

- Sweetheart.
- Ooh!

- Oh... oh, you're so sweet.
- Aww.

- Caroline, congratulations.
- Aww. [giggles]

- Jim, I'm very happy for you.
- Pleasure.

- Oh, bless you.
- It's great, great.

Tom, you're not gambling, are ya?

It's so wonderful to
have a good old-fashioned

- religious wedding.
- Yes.

Uh, though it's not gonna
be so traditional, you know,

with the Christian and the Jewish,

but I don't mind.

Guys, I don't mind, as
long as you acknowledge me.

Honor me in some way. You understand.

- Oh, of course.
- Obviously...

- Yes.
- We're going to honor you.

Well, your mouth to my ear.
[all laugh]

Oh, God, let's sit down. Sit down.

This is gonna be wonderful.

[horn blares]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your paws together
for the wedding party!

♪ Listen, I'm trouble ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, I
can't keep still ♪

♪ I can't keep still,
I can't keep still ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Addicted to mor-or-orphine ♪

And now, Josh and Lucy!

♪ I can't keep still ♪

♪ I'm trouble,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I can't keep still ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Addicted to mor-or-orphine ♪

Wow. We are gathered here today

to celebrate the
marriage of Josh and Lucy,

in the witness of friends, family,

and the ultimate creator...

The energy of the universe.


But first, a reading from
two dear friends of the bride,

Meghan and Robin.

Well, maybe this will be a Psalm.

You know, I was never
much a spiritual person,

until last summer,

when I went to Burning
Man and tried iowaska.

And I was bowing before the
great Burning Man itself,

which, if you've never been...
it's sort of like an idol?

As I bowed before it,
I had a revelation,

and that's when I wrote this.

[clears throat]

- [bongo slaps]
- [humming]

♪ Hey ♪

Each spirit is a changeling.

Each has taken many shapes.

My spirit once was Joan of Arc's,

and once a bunch of grapes.

Each spirit must be thankful

for that which leaves us odd.

That holy force that rules the world,

- the force that we call...
- [bongo flourish]


- I'm doing the Xanax.
- [pill container pops open]

[mutters indistinctly]

And now their friend
Chris to say a few words.

- [forceful gulp]
- Thank you.

Growing up as a Christian,

I attended church every Sunday,

um, in a chapel not too
different from this one,

and it always struck
me as so appropriate

that church services
and wedding services

would both take place
under the same roof.

Both are about bringing
communities together

to celebrate love... the love of God,

uh, or, like today, the
love between a couple.

I like this very much.

The Bible contains many
beautiful, uh, verses

about marriage, of course.

In fact, just this morning in bed,

I read won aloud to my boyfriend.

[thunder rumbles and booms]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

There's no need to apologize. I'm fine.

- Are you angry?
- I'm not angry!

- [thunder booms]
- I'm not angry, okay?

It's just I have to go. Thank you.

You came all this way.

Wouldn't you like a
glass of wine at least?

- Yeah.
- No. Thank you very much.

Everything was wonderful.
Congratulations to you all.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Thank you for coming.
- Thanks for coming, God.

- both: Bye.
- Bye, God.

[car beeps]



[engine turning over]

Ah, no!

- [engine sputters]
- Dammit!

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

- [line rings]
- Nick!

It's God! Who the hell
do you think it is?

This piece of shit won't start!

No! I don't have Uber on my phone.

I don't know where the hell I am!

I don't know. All I know is
the place smells like shit!

They don't even have a Starbucks here!

I'm in the middle of
nowhere! Get me out of here!

- What?
- Oh...

[all cheering]

Thanks, thanks.

- Hey!
- Oh, my God!

Hey, sick-ass party, mofo!

- [laughs]
- Hey.

You did great. I loved your song.

- That's great.
- Oh, it was so good.

[somber music]

- They still look really down.
- I know.

I really haven't seen Mom this sad

since they cancelled "Boston Legal."

Yeah, my... my mom's barely drunk.

Tom's on his fourth roll?

He's not even buttering them.

No, he's just taking them down dry.

We should say something.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

[glass clinking]

Hi there, hi there.

It's, uh, Josh and Lucy
from... the wedding.

Hi. [giggles] Uh, well,
you guys, we did it.

We got married. We, uh... we did it

just the way that we wanted to.

Um, but there's... there's just...

there's one more thing that we, uh...

- we need to do.
- Yeah, and it might, uh...

it might make our parents, over here,

a little bit uncomfortable.

- All eyes on this table here.
- Just, uh, turn your attention.

- [clears throat]
- We just wanna say thank you.

Yeah, these are... these are
the people that raised us.

Yeah. How 'bout a
round of applause, huh?

That's right, yeah,
get up! Come on, get up.

- Stand up.
- Take a bow.

- Mom, come one, Mom. [giggles]
- Please.

Come on, Tom.

[cheerful music]

Thank you.

I love you, Mom. I love you, Tom.

We love you.


- Whoo!
- Oh, God, what a day.

- [groans]
- Hi.

- Oh! Aww.
- The married couple.

- Ay.
- [all laugh]

I can't believe we actually
pulled this thing off.

Yeah, no kidding, compared
to all this wedding stuff,

being married's gonna be a breeze.

- Yeah, no kidding.
- [all laugh]

- What?
- [laughter darkens]

- No?
- [monstrous growl]

- [crash and clatter]
- Ah!

God! What the hell is that?

Looks like your first
challenge as a married couple.

[roars] Josh and Lucy,
I have come for you.

- Face me, face me.
- Okay, uh, how do...

how do we... how do we
deal with this thing?

Well, you definitely
wanna stab it in the eye.

There ya go, Mrs. Greenberg.

- Oh, and it hates fire...
- That's right.

So you might want this flamethrower.

- Oh, you brought it.
- That's so smart.

A shield is always handy.

Oh, okay, that's heavy. [groans]

But honestly, the most important thing

is to just communicate.

- Oh, yeah.
- Definitely.

- Just talk to each other.
- Yeah.


All right, guys, let's do this.

- Here we go.
- [roars]

Whoa. Wait, are you not coming?

Oh, honey, when it comes to marriage,

you're really kind of on your own.

Don't worry, we gave
you everything you need.

You're ready.

You are not ready.

I will kill you in a horrible way!

- [sighs]
- Oh, don't listen to Gragdor.

His bark is worse than his many bites.

Make a fried calamari out of him.

- [growling]
- Okay.

On three?

Yeah, on three.

- One.
- Two.


[both scream]

- Okay.
- Okay, hey, did we remember

- Ed and Trish?
- Yes, I did.

Uh, did you remember
your mother's dentist?

Yes, I did. I drew a little picture

of a tooth saying, "Thanks."

Aww, that's a really good idea.

Um, I think that's all
of our thank yous done.

That is that.

- What do we do now?
- Uh...

Wanna take a walk?

I would love to.

[thunder rumbling]


[enchanting music]

- Oh, hey.
- Hmm?

♪ One, two, three ♪

[bird squawks]

[bird squawks]