Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Eel - full transcript
Rosa feels Mike is becoming too clingy.
Let's see, I see here
that you would like
to go back on birth control?
Yeah, I'm in this new relationship,
and we really want to
stop using condoms, so...
We would recommend that you
take a quick questionnaire
about common risk factors for STls.
Yep, okay.
Great.
Now, are you an intravenous drug user?
Not that I know of.
Do you have sex with multiple partners?
Only on a good night. [chuckles]
No.
You know, I know some of
these questions seem silly.
We just have to ask.
I'm sorry. Totally.
Have you had sex with Mike Scaggs?
What?
Have you had sexual
contact with Mike Scaggs?
Again, I know some of
these questions are silly,
but we're just trying to identify
the most common ways
that people contract STls.
That's...
Mike Scaggs is the guy I'm seeing.
Great, let's get
started on your physical.
Scooch down.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪
♪
Ah!
♪
♪
[squeaks]
♪
♪
[growls]
♪
♪
I've never even heard of
a lot of these diseases.
I know, but all negative, so...
Mike really gets around, huh?
Yeah, he was a... single guy.
He slept with a few people.
But he... you know,
those days are behind him.
So you guys are an official couple now?
Like, not, like, official
official... official.
You know, like, it wasn't, like,
written down in the hall of records.
You know what I mean? [laughs]
Guys, we hang out
almost every night, okay?
He threw me a birthday party.
He's totally my boyfriend.
We just haven't had, like, the talk yet.
Okay, well, there's no rush, right?
- Uh-uh.
- Yeah.
- In its own time.
- Yeah, keep it cas'.
Yeah. [whistle blows]
[gentle music]
♪
♪
Oh, I need a kiss.
[chuckles]
Hey, babe?
Hey, um...
Mike, I was wondering,
can we talk about
something for a second?
Yeah. What's up?
Um, I've been thinking
a lot about, you know,
you and me, us, lately.
I think about us all the time too, baby.
I'm so glad we talked about that.
- Uh...
- Ooh, you look cold.
Let me grab you a jacket.
There you are.
Hey.
So, um, as I was saying,
you know, we've been seeing
each other for a while now.
Yeah.
And we like each other so much.
Totally agree.
Mike!
Michael, listen, I
feel like you're being
a tad bit evasive here.
We really need to talk
about our relationship.
Wahh!
[yells]
Hey! Baby!
Mike!
Hey!
Okay, we are just two
little pitchers away
from free nachos.
I think we can do it. Do
you think we can do it?
Yeah, totally.
Listen, I want to talk to you
about something that happened yesterday.
Is that all right?
Yeah, totally. What's, uh, up?
Okay, um, I... I've been trying to have
this serious conversation with you,
you know, I felt like
instead of listening to me,
you, you know, just, like,
flew out of the window
with the impossible
grace of a wingless crane.
Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way.
I just thought the
conversation was over.
Want some quesadillas?
- Babe, hi.
- Hey.
What I want more than
that is to clarify.
I just need you to tell me, you know,
am I your girlfriend or not, that's it.
[sighs]
[snorts]
[laughs] Babe!
Is this what you've been
worrying about this whole time?
Yeah.
For real? Baby.
I know it's silly. I just...
Just... come here.
Ahh!
Mike!
[intense music]
♪
♪
[panting]
I understand your predicament.
Sounds as though you have
a very worthy opponent.
Yes, Master Chang.
[bamboo flute melody]
I will teach you.
But are you certain you wish to catch
that which does not wish to be caught?
The slippery eel, once captured,
is not so delicious.
I don't care.
I want the eel.
Hmm.
[woman singing in native language]
[bird caws]
♪
♪
[chuckles]
♪
♪
Hmm.
♪
♪
- [groans]
- [laughs]
- Master Chang!
- Hmm?
I've been at this for hours.
It's late, and I'm exhausted,
and I still haven't learned anything
about doing battle with Mike.
What is the meaning of all of this?
You must be patient.
For you to capture the slippery eel...
Oh, God, more eel.
- Hmm.
- Okay, I gotta go.
Thanks, I guess.
I gotta go.
Hey.
Where were you?
Did you forget we had dinner plans?
I'm sorry, I just got home way
later than I thought I would.
So where were you?
Oh, I was just training with
some ancient martial arts master
on a mountaintop who's stupid.
Do we need plates?
So you were with a guy?
It's no biggie. What's wrong?
I just think it's kinda weird
that I'm waiting around all night
while some old guy is skeezing
all over my girlfriend.
Ahh!
[bamboo flute melody]
♪
♪
How did you do that?
I think I can answer that question.
You see, my method was
not about training at all.
It was about spending
time away from Mike
with another dude, creating uncertainty.
Right. I'm sorry I ever
doubted your ways, Master Cheng.
♪
♪
So, um...
I should tell you,
I've never exactly done
the boyfriend thing before.
Oh, babe!
Don't you worry.
You're gonna be great.
[clears throat]
So what are we gonna do tonight?
Hey, have you ever heard of this game
called Cards Against Humanity, hmm?
It's so fun!
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Wow.
How 'bout charades?
Oh, babe, can you...
I... I get it.
I... totally, I get it.
I will just, uh, head on out, I guess.
So, um...
See you later.
[gentle music]
Hi, yes, two coffees for me
and my girlfriend, please.
[laughs]
So I'll see you after
work tonight, girlfriend?
I can't wait, boyfriend.
- Thanks.
- Ah, thank you.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[cell phone dings]
[both chuckle]
I texted you. You saw it?
Yeah, I just got it.
Cool. Just making sure.
Miss you.
[phone chimes]
Sorry.
How do you want to
make your clients happy?
[phone chimes] You...
I am going to put on vibrate.
Yeah, let's do that. Okay?
[phone buzzes]
There is no...
[buzzing continues]
Okay, break room tips.
If it's not yours...
You okay?
Yeah.
- Hmm?
- Are you sure?
Mm-hmm.
Tell me what's up.
Ugh, okay, fine.
I... I just think it's kinda messed up
that you didn't respond
to my texts yesterday.
Babe.
I love knowing that
you're thinking about me.
I love it, but I need you to understand
that if I'm busy at work
or with friends or something,
I can't always get
back to you right away.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, totally. I get it.
It's just when I didn't hear from you,
I thought maybe you were mad or...
- Well, I'm not mad.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
You know, you have
nothing to worry about.
Mm, mm.
I'm gonna go to the gym, all right?
- Okay.
- You gonna be okay?
I'll miss you.
Miss you too. All right.
I'll miss you. Have a good workout.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[upbeat music]
♪
♪
[suspenseful music]
It's every boyfriend's nightmare:
a girlfriend not responding to texts.
We now go live to devastated
boyfriend, Mike Scaggs,
as we enter minute four
of the desperate hunt for Rosa.
Thank you all so much for coming.
Best case scenario, she's
either dead or in a coma.
Worst case, she's
slightly mad at me or...
I didn't even get the
three little bubbles
that come up.
I would take that right now.
And the texts were blue.
They weren't green. They went through.
Mike, is there any message
that you would like to relay to Rosa?
Yes, um, Rosa, if you
can somehow hear me,
I just need you to know,
"'Sup? How you doing, boo-boo?"
And then I wrote, "#RelationshipGoals"
and I pictured texted you
an image of Kim
Kardashian and Kanye West,
but with their faces swapped.
It was like a Photoshop
joke. It was stupid.
I shouldn't have sent you anything.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I screen-grabbed it off Instagram,
and I thought you'd think it's funny,
and you didn't respond.
I'm so sorry.
Volunteers are rallying to
find this missing girlfriend.
How's your day going, cutie?
- 'Sup, boo
- Boo?
All: 'Sup?
- Boo-boo!
- What's up, boo-boo?
'Sup!
- Question mark!
- Green alien emoji!
[groans]
I'll never forget the
last thing Rosa said to me
before her disappearance.
"I'll be back in an hour."
That was almost ten minutes ago.
There's still no sign of her.
Michael!
What the shit, man?
I was just at the gym.
Excuse me.
Rosa? You're alive!
Oh, my God!
Thank you all for your support.
I'm never letting her go again.
I was so scared.
[intense music]
I was so scared.
Ugh!
Hey, we're about to start warm-up.
You ready?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I just gotta send this text.
I think I'm gonna end
things with Mike tonight.
I just... I can't do it
anymore. He's so clingy.
I...
- What is that face?
- I don't know, Rosa.
You were the one who
wanted to be exclusive,
and now that you are, you
don't want him anymore?
I hate to say it,
but think you're gonna
come off like a bitch.
Ouch, Maya.
I'm not saying I think you're a bitch.
I'm just saying you
might get accused of that.
Am I a bitch?
I once got into a situation like you,
and I called this woman.
She's what they call "a fixer."
She makes problems go away.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
I understand.
Stay right where you are,
and, Rosa, don't touch a goddamn thing.
"We need to talk."
No emojis, no exclamation points.
You should have contacted me.
Does it really look that bad?
It all adds up to first degree bitch.
Listen, I want to be sure
that you get me out of this.
Lady, I'm not a miracle worker,
but if you do everything that I say,
I think I can get the charges reduced
from "bitch" to "crazy."
But I'm not crazy.
You are lucky that crazy
is even on the table.
If this were Texas,
you'd be looking at
"aggravated [bleep]."
Oh, okay.
Do you believe in astrology?
It's not really my thing.
Damn it, Rosa.
Do you want this to work or not?
Yes, of course...
Ma'am, where do you want the cats?
It the kitchen, in the food.
Cats everywhere. Cats, cats, cats.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, hon.
[clears throat]
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Hey, I got your text.
[cat squeals] Did you get a cat?
Um, uh, sit down.
So, uh, you texted
me you wanted to talk?
Uh, I just wanted to bring you here
so I could talk to you
about my journey,
um, and that I've been
feeling really crazy.
Uh-huh.
Just really whacked out,
and, uh, that moon is just
pulling at my zodiac hard,
and I just, um... I
feel like we should...
Say no more.
I totally get it.
- Oh.
- We should move in together.
It's, like, you're so crazy right now.
Like, I gotta be, like,
watching over you all the time,
making sure you're okay,
because I'm the sane one.
You know, I'll be your rock.
I knew something was up,
'cause I texted you so much...
- Yeah.
- And you didn't respond.
No.
And I texted your mom actually.
- You did?
- "What's going on with Rosa?"
And she got back to me right away,
so I was like, "Maybe it
doesn't run in the family."
I'm not [bleep] crazy!
You're the crazy one!
- What?
- You're immature,
and you're possessive,
and you're clingy,
and you won't let me breathe.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't do this, and I don't
care if you think I'm a bitch,
because I can't do this anymore.
It's... it's over.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I...
Pack it up, people.
Just pack it up.
[sighs]
Uh, Mittens has worms,
so you'll want to deal with that.
I wouldn't wait.
Well, which one is...
[cat meows]
So you must be relieved.
Single again, no more
boyfriend to worry about.
Ugh, totally.
[whistle blows]
[gentle music]
♪
♪
Hi. Um, one coffee, please.
Thanks.
[phone chimes]
♪
♪
[cat meows]
♪
♪
[phone buzzes]
[television plays indistinctly]
[woman singing in native language]
that you would like
to go back on birth control?
Yeah, I'm in this new relationship,
and we really want to
stop using condoms, so...
We would recommend that you
take a quick questionnaire
about common risk factors for STls.
Yep, okay.
Great.
Now, are you an intravenous drug user?
Not that I know of.
Do you have sex with multiple partners?
Only on a good night. [chuckles]
No.
You know, I know some of
these questions seem silly.
We just have to ask.
I'm sorry. Totally.
Have you had sex with Mike Scaggs?
What?
Have you had sexual
contact with Mike Scaggs?
Again, I know some of
these questions are silly,
but we're just trying to identify
the most common ways
that people contract STls.
That's...
Mike Scaggs is the guy I'm seeing.
Great, let's get
started on your physical.
Scooch down.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪
♪
Ah!
♪
♪
[squeaks]
♪
♪
[growls]
♪
♪
I've never even heard of
a lot of these diseases.
I know, but all negative, so...
Mike really gets around, huh?
Yeah, he was a... single guy.
He slept with a few people.
But he... you know,
those days are behind him.
So you guys are an official couple now?
Like, not, like, official
official... official.
You know, like, it wasn't, like,
written down in the hall of records.
You know what I mean? [laughs]
Guys, we hang out
almost every night, okay?
He threw me a birthday party.
He's totally my boyfriend.
We just haven't had, like, the talk yet.
Okay, well, there's no rush, right?
- Uh-uh.
- Yeah.
- In its own time.
- Yeah, keep it cas'.
Yeah. [whistle blows]
[gentle music]
♪
♪
Oh, I need a kiss.
[chuckles]
Hey, babe?
Hey, um...
Mike, I was wondering,
can we talk about
something for a second?
Yeah. What's up?
Um, I've been thinking
a lot about, you know,
you and me, us, lately.
I think about us all the time too, baby.
I'm so glad we talked about that.
- Uh...
- Ooh, you look cold.
Let me grab you a jacket.
There you are.
Hey.
So, um, as I was saying,
you know, we've been seeing
each other for a while now.
Yeah.
And we like each other so much.
Totally agree.
Mike!
Michael, listen, I
feel like you're being
a tad bit evasive here.
We really need to talk
about our relationship.
Wahh!
[yells]
Hey! Baby!
Mike!
Hey!
Okay, we are just two
little pitchers away
from free nachos.
I think we can do it. Do
you think we can do it?
Yeah, totally.
Listen, I want to talk to you
about something that happened yesterday.
Is that all right?
Yeah, totally. What's, uh, up?
Okay, um, I... I've been trying to have
this serious conversation with you,
you know, I felt like
instead of listening to me,
you, you know, just, like,
flew out of the window
with the impossible
grace of a wingless crane.
Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way.
I just thought the
conversation was over.
Want some quesadillas?
- Babe, hi.
- Hey.
What I want more than
that is to clarify.
I just need you to tell me, you know,
am I your girlfriend or not, that's it.
[sighs]
[snorts]
[laughs] Babe!
Is this what you've been
worrying about this whole time?
Yeah.
For real? Baby.
I know it's silly. I just...
Just... come here.
Ahh!
Mike!
[intense music]
♪
♪
[panting]
I understand your predicament.
Sounds as though you have
a very worthy opponent.
Yes, Master Chang.
[bamboo flute melody]
I will teach you.
But are you certain you wish to catch
that which does not wish to be caught?
The slippery eel, once captured,
is not so delicious.
I don't care.
I want the eel.
Hmm.
[woman singing in native language]
[bird caws]
♪
♪
[chuckles]
♪
♪
Hmm.
♪
♪
- [groans]
- [laughs]
- Master Chang!
- Hmm?
I've been at this for hours.
It's late, and I'm exhausted,
and I still haven't learned anything
about doing battle with Mike.
What is the meaning of all of this?
You must be patient.
For you to capture the slippery eel...
Oh, God, more eel.
- Hmm.
- Okay, I gotta go.
Thanks, I guess.
I gotta go.
Hey.
Where were you?
Did you forget we had dinner plans?
I'm sorry, I just got home way
later than I thought I would.
So where were you?
Oh, I was just training with
some ancient martial arts master
on a mountaintop who's stupid.
Do we need plates?
So you were with a guy?
It's no biggie. What's wrong?
I just think it's kinda weird
that I'm waiting around all night
while some old guy is skeezing
all over my girlfriend.
Ahh!
[bamboo flute melody]
♪
♪
How did you do that?
I think I can answer that question.
You see, my method was
not about training at all.
It was about spending
time away from Mike
with another dude, creating uncertainty.
Right. I'm sorry I ever
doubted your ways, Master Cheng.
♪
♪
So, um...
I should tell you,
I've never exactly done
the boyfriend thing before.
Oh, babe!
Don't you worry.
You're gonna be great.
[clears throat]
So what are we gonna do tonight?
Hey, have you ever heard of this game
called Cards Against Humanity, hmm?
It's so fun!
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Wow.
How 'bout charades?
Oh, babe, can you...
I... I get it.
I... totally, I get it.
I will just, uh, head on out, I guess.
So, um...
See you later.
[gentle music]
Hi, yes, two coffees for me
and my girlfriend, please.
[laughs]
So I'll see you after
work tonight, girlfriend?
I can't wait, boyfriend.
- Thanks.
- Ah, thank you.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[cell phone dings]
[both chuckle]
I texted you. You saw it?
Yeah, I just got it.
Cool. Just making sure.
Miss you.
[phone chimes]
Sorry.
How do you want to
make your clients happy?
[phone chimes] You...
I am going to put on vibrate.
Yeah, let's do that. Okay?
[phone buzzes]
There is no...
[buzzing continues]
Okay, break room tips.
If it's not yours...
You okay?
Yeah.
- Hmm?
- Are you sure?
Mm-hmm.
Tell me what's up.
Ugh, okay, fine.
I... I just think it's kinda messed up
that you didn't respond
to my texts yesterday.
Babe.
I love knowing that
you're thinking about me.
I love it, but I need you to understand
that if I'm busy at work
or with friends or something,
I can't always get
back to you right away.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, totally. I get it.
It's just when I didn't hear from you,
I thought maybe you were mad or...
- Well, I'm not mad.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
You know, you have
nothing to worry about.
Mm, mm.
I'm gonna go to the gym, all right?
- Okay.
- You gonna be okay?
I'll miss you.
Miss you too. All right.
I'll miss you. Have a good workout.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[upbeat music]
♪
♪
[suspenseful music]
It's every boyfriend's nightmare:
a girlfriend not responding to texts.
We now go live to devastated
boyfriend, Mike Scaggs,
as we enter minute four
of the desperate hunt for Rosa.
Thank you all so much for coming.
Best case scenario, she's
either dead or in a coma.
Worst case, she's
slightly mad at me or...
I didn't even get the
three little bubbles
that come up.
I would take that right now.
And the texts were blue.
They weren't green. They went through.
Mike, is there any message
that you would like to relay to Rosa?
Yes, um, Rosa, if you
can somehow hear me,
I just need you to know,
"'Sup? How you doing, boo-boo?"
And then I wrote, "#RelationshipGoals"
and I pictured texted you
an image of Kim
Kardashian and Kanye West,
but with their faces swapped.
It was like a Photoshop
joke. It was stupid.
I shouldn't have sent you anything.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I screen-grabbed it off Instagram,
and I thought you'd think it's funny,
and you didn't respond.
I'm so sorry.
Volunteers are rallying to
find this missing girlfriend.
How's your day going, cutie?
- 'Sup, boo
- Boo?
All: 'Sup?
- Boo-boo!
- What's up, boo-boo?
'Sup!
- Question mark!
- Green alien emoji!
[groans]
I'll never forget the
last thing Rosa said to me
before her disappearance.
"I'll be back in an hour."
That was almost ten minutes ago.
There's still no sign of her.
Michael!
What the shit, man?
I was just at the gym.
Excuse me.
Rosa? You're alive!
Oh, my God!
Thank you all for your support.
I'm never letting her go again.
I was so scared.
[intense music]
I was so scared.
Ugh!
Hey, we're about to start warm-up.
You ready?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I just gotta send this text.
I think I'm gonna end
things with Mike tonight.
I just... I can't do it
anymore. He's so clingy.
I...
- What is that face?
- I don't know, Rosa.
You were the one who
wanted to be exclusive,
and now that you are, you
don't want him anymore?
I hate to say it,
but think you're gonna
come off like a bitch.
Ouch, Maya.
I'm not saying I think you're a bitch.
I'm just saying you
might get accused of that.
Am I a bitch?
I once got into a situation like you,
and I called this woman.
She's what they call "a fixer."
She makes problems go away.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
I understand.
Stay right where you are,
and, Rosa, don't touch a goddamn thing.
"We need to talk."
No emojis, no exclamation points.
You should have contacted me.
Does it really look that bad?
It all adds up to first degree bitch.
Listen, I want to be sure
that you get me out of this.
Lady, I'm not a miracle worker,
but if you do everything that I say,
I think I can get the charges reduced
from "bitch" to "crazy."
But I'm not crazy.
You are lucky that crazy
is even on the table.
If this were Texas,
you'd be looking at
"aggravated [bleep]."
Oh, okay.
Do you believe in astrology?
It's not really my thing.
Damn it, Rosa.
Do you want this to work or not?
Yes, of course...
Ma'am, where do you want the cats?
It the kitchen, in the food.
Cats everywhere. Cats, cats, cats.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, hon.
[clears throat]
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Hey, I got your text.
[cat squeals] Did you get a cat?
Um, uh, sit down.
So, uh, you texted
me you wanted to talk?
Uh, I just wanted to bring you here
so I could talk to you
about my journey,
um, and that I've been
feeling really crazy.
Uh-huh.
Just really whacked out,
and, uh, that moon is just
pulling at my zodiac hard,
and I just, um... I
feel like we should...
Say no more.
I totally get it.
- Oh.
- We should move in together.
It's, like, you're so crazy right now.
Like, I gotta be, like,
watching over you all the time,
making sure you're okay,
because I'm the sane one.
You know, I'll be your rock.
I knew something was up,
'cause I texted you so much...
- Yeah.
- And you didn't respond.
No.
And I texted your mom actually.
- You did?
- "What's going on with Rosa?"
And she got back to me right away,
so I was like, "Maybe it
doesn't run in the family."
I'm not [bleep] crazy!
You're the crazy one!
- What?
- You're immature,
and you're possessive,
and you're clingy,
and you won't let me breathe.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't do this, and I don't
care if you think I'm a bitch,
because I can't do this anymore.
It's... it's over.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I...
Pack it up, people.
Just pack it up.
[sighs]
Uh, Mittens has worms,
so you'll want to deal with that.
I wouldn't wait.
Well, which one is...
[cat meows]
So you must be relieved.
Single again, no more
boyfriend to worry about.
Ugh, totally.
[whistle blows]
[gentle music]
♪
♪
Hi. Um, one coffee, please.
Thanks.
[phone chimes]
♪
♪
[cat meows]
♪
♪
[phone buzzes]
[television plays indistinctly]
[woman singing in native language]