Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - Cactus - full transcript

Josh finally makes a move on Rosa.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[percussive music]

Good morning, Rosa.

Whoop, whoop, whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop!

It's the caffeine police.

You have the right to a cup of coffee.

Oh, thanks. You didn't have to do that.

Hey, that's what friends are for,

and, uh, the lady
likes extra soy, right?

[sobs] Mm-hmm.

There's also almond milk.
I could go back for almond.

[sniffles] I'm sorry.

Oh, my God this is so embarrassing.

Um. [chuckles]

[inhales sharply]

Uh, I broke up with my
boyfriend last night.

You what?

[whispering] What?

[sighs] Yeah.


Oh, my God.

[whispers] Yeah.

I am so sorry, Rosa.

[feet tapping]

You sure it wasn't
just, like, a bad fight?

I mean, I'm... I'm just floored.

You guys are so perfect together.

It always seemed like that. But...

It's over now.

[feet tap]

If there's anything I can do,

anything at all, just let me know.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

That's really sweet of you.

Hey, stay put. I'll get you a tissue.

[Irish jig]

Here you are.

- Oh, thanks.
- Sure.

Appreciate it.

[feet tap]

[downtempo electronic music]




[phone buzzing]



[buzzing continues]



The thing about love,
Liz, is that sometimes

fate is the ultimate matchmaker.

- Mm-hmm.
- Think about it.

The girl of my dreams
comes to work in my office

at the exact same moment
that I have worked on myself

and am ready to enter a
serious, long-term relationship.

That's really great.

You've had a crush on
her for a long time.

Oh, no, no, no, no, this
isn't just a crush, Liz.

We're soul mates.

Rosa loves coffee; I
love getting her coffee.

Rosa loves Junot Díaz;

I, for a long time,

have really wanted to read
something by him or her.


I know Rosa isn't flashy

like the "Maxim" magazine
type most guys are into,

but that's kind of
what I love about her.

It's like I'm the only one
who can see how special she is.

Uh, I got to go.

Hey, hey, man, uh, what are
you guys all waiting for?

This is the line to ask out Rosa.

What? You guys all want to date Rosa?

What I like most about her
is that she isn't flashy

like the "Maxim" magazine
type most guys are into.

I guess we're all just the only one

who can see how special she is.

Gentlemen, I need one
straight line here.

We're gonna get as many of you guys in

to ask Rosa out as
possible, but for now,

I need you to remain in line
till she's ready to date.

Also, gentlemen, please stop using

the Starbucks bathroom down the street.

Starbucks has informed
me they will press charges

if you continue to do what
you've been doing in there.

I need order; I need respect. O.R.

Hey, no cutting! [all groaning]

He's cutting the line!
What are you doing?

- Hey, man, when...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When... when... when do you think

they're gonna start letting people in?

First off, I need you to back off

and keep your hands to yourself.

- I w...
- If you touch me

with your hands, I have
the authority to tase you.

Jesus Christ. Uh, okay.

Uh, but what do you think, ballpark?

Could be a little while.

You know, Rosa's still
dealing with the heartbreak.

I think right now she just wants to be

- with family and friends, okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- I'm a friend. I'm a...
- Sir, your hands.

Okay, I know, yeah, my hands.

- Gotta keep 'em.
- Gotta keep 'em.

I'm a friend.

You're her friend?


What's your name?

Josh Greenberg.

Hold on.

Yeah, got a guy here says he's a friend.


Josh Greenberg.

That's Golf, Romeo, Echo, Echo...

- Check.
- Yeah, you got it.

- [babbles]
- Okay.

- [babbling]
- Okay, are you sure?


5'10", 145. Maybe 5 1/2, 6.

- [babbling]
- Okay.

All right, fine, I'll let him know.

Stevie? Take one of these.

Put that on.

- Let's do it.
- Follow me.

Hey, cool, cool.

[all groaning, booing]
All right, come this way.

- This is a friend, guys, relax.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's a platonic friend.
We got Greenberg.


[elevator bell dings] Coming through.

- Platonic friend coming through.
- Sorry, sorry, guys.

Look out, friend coming through.

- I need you to move.
- Sorry, sorry.

- Purely platonic.
- I'm a friend.

I got one of these.

I don't make the rules.
I don't make the rules.

- You can go right that way.
- Thank you.

Hey, Rosa.

Hello, Josh.

How's the scanning going?


Just got to do these and those,

and then I am done.

- Oh. It's okay.
- Oh!

- Oh, shit.
- It's okay. It's okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Ahh.

[light instrumental music]

Oh, no.

I had to do it.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, have... have a good weekend.

Yeah, I hope so.

I just found out I have to
move out of my ex's on Saturday.

Oh, no, seriously?

- Yeah.
- That sucks.

Uh, do you... do you want a hand?


You don't have to do
that. You would do that?

Yeah, that's what
friends are for, right?

All right, thanks.

All right, I'll just...


I'm a friend. We're best friends.

I will shoot. [Taser crackling]

I told you guys to stay in line!

Bunch of freaks. This is what happens.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Got it?
- Yeah, yeah.


[upbeat music]


[box clatters]

[rug thuds]

So what's your favorite
guilty pleasure movie then?


Mm-mm, no,

because any movie that's
won an Academy award...

- Yeah.
- Can't be considered

a guilty pleasure.

All right, uh, then, uh...

if pressed... [clears throat]

I would say that I
have a passing affinity

for, uh... "Must Love Dogs."

Are you serious?

You asked me. [chuckles]

- I love "Must Love Dogs."
- No.

I've never met anyone else
who loves "Must Love Dogs."

You really love "Must Love Dogs."

Yeah, like, you give it
a chance, it's actually...

both: Surprisingly not bad.

- Yes!
- Yes.

And John Cusack is just...

both: Doing his best with the material!

- Yes!
- Hey.

[laughs] That's it.

- Yay!
- Yes!

That is a television
for watching programs on.

[laughs] Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

I really appreciate all the help today.

My pleasure. It was my... no, I...

actually had a lot
of fun doing it, so...

Me too. Yeah.

[indistinct chatter,
laughter on TV]

Yeah, okay, uh, so I'll split then.

All right. Um, I'll see you on Monday.

- Yeah, Monday, all right.
- Yeah, Monday.

- Yeah, Mondays.
- [laughs]

- All right, so...
- All right, so...

Great story, Bob.

Well, that's it for the local news.

Both: Yeah.

Stay tuned for tonight's
late-night movie,

"Must Love Dogs."

[dogs barking] Are you

- Holy shit.
- That's scary.

That's... [both laugh]

I didn't plan this.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Um, I mean, should we...

Oh, just watch, like, the first scene.

Or watch until the part where the...

both: Dogs pull her into the pond.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God, all right.

- So that's clearly...
- Yeah.

- What's going to happen.
- [laughs] So sudden.

All right. both: Ching ching.


[puppies squeaking]

[sweeping orchestral music]

[dog barking]

man: I don't know why
I didn't see it sooner.

I don't know why I waited
so long to kiss you.

Woman: Stop talking
about kissing

and just kiss me already.


[dog barking]

Boy, these two sure do
love dogs, don't they?

[whispering] They love those dogs.

[dogs barking]

[dramatic musical fanfare]

We interrupt this broadcast

to bring you some breaking news.

An asteroid is headed towards Earth

and will destroy the planet
in exactly seven minutes.

- What?
- What?

Oh, my God, look!

Mother of shit!

[people screaming faintly]

Asteroidologists have advised

that you all remain
right where you are

for these, our last
seven minutes on Earth.

We also advise that if there's something

you've been meaning to do,
even something a little risky,

to use these last few precious
moments and go for it.

We repeat, this is your last chance

to do that thing you want to do.

Uh... [grunts]

Uh, Rosa, I've been thinking
about this all night.

There's something I need to know.


[asteroid rumbling]

What is the name of the actor
that plays a veterinarian

in the "Must Love Dogs"?

[rumbling continues]

I don't know.

Yeah, no, we'll figure... we can...

We'll figure it out later. We got...

We got five minutes to figure that out.


Again, we cannot stress enough,

do that thing you want to do.

[dramatic music]

Oh, what the hell.

[romantic music]

Bret, I wanted you to
do that for so long.


I couldn't not do it.
I'm a man, after all.

Yeah, you are, Bret.

Yeah, yeah.


[sighs] Yes, Josh?

Um... Ah, what the hell.

- Whoa. No.
- Oh.

Oh, oh. No, no. No, no.

- I'm so sorry.
- [groans]

I'm sorry I gave you that impression.

I think you are so great...

- Oh, good.
- And so sweet...

- Thank you.
- And so funny...

- Thank you.
- And so...

But I want to be your friend so bad.

- Yeah.
- Because that's, like,

the highest level of intimacy,
really, if you think about it,

and I'm... I'm really sorry.

No, stop. Would you stop?

I'm sorry. I'm the one... I'm...

I'll tell you what.

Uh, at least we won't have to have

that awkward conversation
at work on Monday morning...

- Ah.
- You know, 'cause...

[rumbling continues]

We'll all be dead.

[dramatic musical fanfare]

Some heroes have successfully
exploded the asteroid.

The Earth is saved. [sighs]

We'll all be able to
go to work on Monday.


I think we'll remember this moment

for the rest of our lives...

where we were, who we were with,

what they tried to do to you.

We now return to "Must Love Dogs."

[goofy music]
[dogs barking]

So, yeah, I'm... I'm
gonna take off, I think.

Okay. I...

- Okay.
- All right.

Wait, Josh, I'm...


[gentle music]

Thank you so much for helping me move...

- in today.
- Yeah, no, you're welcome.


[bright instrumental music]

[people cheering]



[upbeat whistling]

[fireworks booming]

[upbeat whistling]

- Whoo, whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

[upbeat whistling]

And then she flat-out turned me down.

It was, like, maybe one of
the worst moments of my life.

Bummer, man. Oh, can I
have a chicken burrito?

It's just not fair, you
know? I put in the man hours.

All right, I got her
coffee every morning.

I listened to her problems
about her stupid ex-boyfriend.

I-I helped her move, for God sakes.

Michael, I helped the woman move.

What... what more does she want from me?

For real.

You know, plain truth,

girls just don't want to date nice guys.

Never have, never will.

For real.

Like, why... why isn't it

just that you date the
guy who's nicest to you?

There should be a law.

For real.

For real.

And then she rejected
me on the very couch

that, earlier that afternoon,
I had helped her move,

so I ask you, please consider my bill,

because in my America, fair is fair.

Thank you.

So you want us to enact a law

that would require
women to date nice guys?



Seems rather reasonable.

Nice guys being rewarded
for being nice guys.

And the girl would get
something out of it.

She'd get to be with the nice guy.

That doesn't make any sense.

Just because a man is nice
to you doesn't mean you...

Good point, Louise.

- Now a question for you.
- Mm-hmm.

Hypothetically, if a guy was very nice

to, say, another judge,

was always complimenting
her on her good points,

would that mean that she
would have to date that man?


From this day forward,

if a guy is really, really nice to you,

he gets to be your boyfriend.

The "Nice" law is officially passed.

[triumphant music]

That isn't even how we pass a law.

Another good point, Louise.


[upbeat techno music]

♪ Shake it ♪

Mm, thanks, man.

[line trilling]

Hey, this is Rosa.

I'm away from my phone right now,

so please leave a message.


- Hey.
- Oh! Jesus!

Oh, sorry, you just... you scared me.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I just wanted to say you're welcome.


I held the door open for you out there.

Oh, yeah, uh, that was very nice of you.

You're welcome.

Hey, hey, hey, oh, whoa,
what are you doing there, man?

Just following the law.

If a guy's nice to you, he
gets to be your boyfriend.

Okay, okay, okay. Very good.

I now see where you might've
gotten a little confused.

All right, I came up with that law...

because there was this girl named Rosa

that I was very nice to...

Like how I was nice to you.

And I really liked her.

Like how I really like you.

Okay, mister...


You seem like... you
seem like a nice man,

but I really think we would
be better off as just friends.


[melancholy music]

I get it now. I get it now.

Just because I was nice to Rosa

doesn't mean she has to sleep with me.

She has the right to sleep
with or not sleep with

whomever she wants; it's up to her;

and I just have to live with it.

Wow, sounds like you really
learned something today.

I think I really did.

Okay, let's go before my balls explode.

[zipper buzzes] Oh, my God.

Wait, help! Help! Help!

Is everything okay in here?

Oh, thank God.

Officers, you came just in time.

This... lovely man...

- Chainsaw.
- This man, Chainsaw,

in a bit of irony
that is not lost on me,

has just proven to me
that a law I came up with

was actually a really horrible idea.

Sounds like you really
learned your lesson.

Good. Phew, good. All right.

Uh, so can things just go
back to how they used to be?

Absolutely, yeah, yeah,
once the law is repealed,

which, as you know, is a
lengthy and complex process.

You know, you can start by writing

to your local congressman.

Thank you.

- Well, have a good sex.
- Yep.

- Thanks, officers.
- Thanks, guys.

[light instrumental music]

I... do you like to
make out a bit, or...

Sort of. You'll see.

Hey, babe?


I was kind of thinking
Belcourt for brunch

because they have those great Bellinis.

Yeah, okay.

And then maybe swing by the flea market.

Wait a second.

"Nice law repealed."
"Nice law repealed."

Chainsaw, you and I...

are officially broken up.

What about Jackie's wedding?

What? So... okay.

Uh, we just won't go then.

Well, we already RSVP'd for two.

You can't back out on RSVPs.

They paid ahead for each person.


Yeah, right. Um...

Okay, so, we... we'll go,

uh, but we'll go as friends.



[tense string music]

[voice breaking] I'll
see you at the wedding.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be like that.

I gave you everything!

[door rattles closed]

You know, I'm happy he's gone,

but that guy made the
best boot stew I ever had.

Mm-hmm, those were
some fun dinner parties too.

But the main thing is, Rosa
and I are back to normal.

I actually even invited her to...

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey, there she is.

- What's up, Josh?
- Hi.

- Rosa, this is my friend Mike.
- Hi.

Friend Mike, this is my friend Rosa.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

I'm gonna go get some
chips. I'll be right back.

You know, I just want
her to be happy, you know.

I... so I'm saying it.

Rosa should date whoever she wants.

For real.

[Mr. Dream's "Palace Complex"]

[upbeat rock music]