Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - Scythe - full transcript
Josh becomes desperate and decides to settle.
Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Greenberg.
Masturbation.
We all do it, but what if I told you,
you've been doing it all wrong?
In his 2008 book "Outliers,"
Malcolm Gladwell argues that
any expert in any given field
must accumulate over 10,000 hours
in his or her own craft.
He calls this the "10,000 Hour Rule."
Well, folks, what about
a 10 million hour rule?
By noon of most days,
I've become desensitized
to even the most outlandish
forms of pornography.
I am just a joyless husk of a man.
So how do I push through it? Hmm?
How do I make myself continue?
Ingenuity.
Say you want to masturbate
to an ex-girlfriend,
or a high school crush
but she's never done porn.
Well, guess you can't
masturbate to her, right?
Wrong!
Take the audio from a porn vid,
and play it under her most
skin-revealing Facebook photos.
Now she's in the action.
Um...
Unfortunately, I have to
go take care of something.
Wish me luck.
Whoo!
I'm not even eating it for
the marshmallows anymore.
I actually look forward to the oat pieces.
Guess I'm getting older.
Josh?
Are you even listening to me?
No, no. Sorry.
What, I'm just kind of
in the middle of a thing
with the girl across the bar.
- Ooh, which one?
- Don't... don't look, don't look.
I'm trying to take a long game approach.
facial recognition.
Just want to plant the
seed. That way maybe sometime
weeks from now I bump
into her and she goes,
"Hey, don't I recognize
you from someplace?"
And I'll be like, "Huh. I don't know.
Do you? Maybe?"
That sounds like a really long game.
Ah, I figure what's the hurry, right?
H-Hello?
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, God.
Are you here to kill me?
No, no? So then, what, what?
What? What do you want?
My teeth? My mouth? My face. My...
My hair?
Oh, God, it's gonna look that bad?
Ah, oh! No!
But I'm only 28. I'm too young to go bald!
No, okay! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, what can I do? What can I...
Rogaine! I'll start doing Rogaine, right?
That can buy me some time, if I start using
the creams and the gels, right?
No. Okay, so,
So no hair. Guys look good without hair.
Like Jason Statham.
Yeah, I know, okay, I'm not Jason Statham.
Man, I feel like... black
guys. If I were black, like...
'Cause black guys can pull off
the bald look, I think, right?
Like...
I suppose they have it bad in other ways,
like oppression.
I mean, I mean, would you...
would you make that trade?
Yeah, it is interesting. It is interesting.
No!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
So, it's like a gradual process.
Okay, so, ballpark, how
much time we looking at here?
No!
I've got to hurry.
Man.
God damn it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold one second.
Hey!
Hey. What's... what's with the hat?
You know, I'm just trying a new look.
It's, uh, business on the bottom,
party atop my head.
- What would you like for dinner?
- Give me that hat, all right?
- You look so ridiculous.
- No, no!
What? It looks ridiculous.
I'm... I got a... I got a...
- What?
- I'm going bald, Liz.
I don't see it. Where?
I can't see it. There's a spot.
There's a spot.
- Right here, there's like a...
- Right there?
I think you're overreacting, there.
I'm not over... you don't
know what this is like.
Imagine just trying to date,
and there's this one part
of your body that you have no control over,
that has, like, a ticking clock to it.
Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough.
My point is, I need to
lock something down now.
I need to get in there.
I need to lock something down yesterday,
and I'm not above lowering
my expectations to do that.
Wait, what? Why? What does that mean?
I don't need someone with
all the bells and whistles.
I just need someone
safe. Reliable, you know.
Sounds like you're talking about a car.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I am.
Mike, Liz, I want you to
meet my new girlfriend.
She's a 1998 Saturn.
Hi... hi.
What's up? I'm Mike.
Hey, man.
You want to come hit up the buffet with me?
- Oh, yeah, you got it.
- Cool.
All right, I'll see you in a bit.
Mwah!
Uh, don't listen to anything
this one says about me.
- Oh, gosh.
- Nice to meet you.
Well, I love your hubcaps.
- So you're attracted to her?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm not blind... I know she
doesn't have the kind of body
you'd see on the cover of
"Penthouse" or "Car and Driver"
or something, but...
We... we make it work.
How, exactly?
Ah, that's pretty personal.
Would you say that you...
put it in her gas hole?
- Mike!
- Well, do you? I don't know.
Yes.
God, um, and... and... and...
Do you, uh, complete the act?
- Yes.
- My God.
Well, look, is it the
best sex I've ever had? No.
Does it get the job done? Sort of.
Does it hurt? Well, I'm
sticking my cock into a gas tank,
so yes, but I'm just
happy to have a girlfriend.
Well, as long as you're happy, man.
Michael, I couldn't be happier.
Hey, hey.
Yeah.
Ouch.
Oh! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
Ow! Ow!
Josh doesn't bring a lot of ladies home,
so this is a real treat.
Uh, are you sure I can't
get you a glass of wine?
Oh, well, actually, she doesn't drink.
How about some brisket?
She doesn't eat meat.
Just gas, usually.
No only, she... all she eats is gas.
Neato.
Well, I think I'll clear some plates.
Josh, would you mind helping me?
Oh, yeah, not at all.
So, thank you, uh, for having us over.
Mmm.
And I can tell she really likes you.
Josh, you know that Tom
and I love you very much,
and you know that we
will always support you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Having said that,
this is a tough one.
What do you mean?
I think you're settling, Josh,
and I don't want you to settle!
I want you to be with
the person, or the car,
or the boat, or whatever you think
is the absolute best.
Why? Why? It's not like
I'm the absolute best.
- Oh, Joshy!
- Seriously, Mom, I'm a...
balding 28-year-old temp.
I think this midsize sedan is
about the best I'll ever do,
which... which is why I'm
gonna ask her to marry me.
Oh.
Well.
This is a tough one.
Would you do me the honor
of taking me as I am on bended knee?
Oh, shit. The ring.
The ring, the ring, the ring.
Very important.
Oh, right, yeah.
Yeah.
- Saturn, I'm home.
- Ah, you're dirty.
- You are dirty!
- What the hell?
- Ah, Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh...
- Aah!
Hey, hey, it's not what
it looks like, I'm sorry.
- Get out of my house!
- Can I finish?
No, you can't finish! Get out of here!
Sorry, sorry.
You too!
Sorry.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing all alone in the corner?
Mike, I've been doing
some thinking about life,
and I've come to the conclusion
I'm the most pathetic
piece of shit on the planet.
Ah, don't say that.
It's true, though. It's true.
I just keep getting rejected.
And even when I settle,
I still get cheated on
with three other guys.
- Thought it was two guys.
- No, no.
A third was discovered.
I'm a miserable bald piece of shit
in a stupid beanie.
You know what, I don't
think... I don't care anymore.
I don't even care anymore. That's it.
Take a look, everybody.
Take a look at the freak!
Shut up, shut up.
There's a crazy hot girl over there.
All right, don't look,
don't look, don't look.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm gonna ask her out.
How are you so confident all of a sudden?
You were just talking
about what a loser you are.
That's just it.
I'm such a loser, I gots
nothing left to lose.
Hey, you want to date,
like, a creepy bald guy?
- No.
- Cool.
Dude, that was crazy. Sorry.
- Want to date?
- Go away.
Yep.
- I'm Josh, you want to party?
- No.
Makes sense.
- Should we do this?
- Gross.
- All right.
- Dude, that was insane.
I've never seen somebody get
rejected so many times in a row.
How are you still alive?
Because I use my secret weapon:
not giving a shit.
Yeah, well, you know who will give a shit.
Greenberg!
You're a loose cannon!
You can't walk straight up to girls!
It's too direct.
You got to be cool.
You got to make small talk.
Talk about the "Game of Thrones."
At least play the college
name game, for Christ's sake!
God damn it, Greenberg.
Put that out!
Holy shit!
That's unnecessary, man.
Get out!
Wait, whoa, whoa. What's going on?
There's a real hot girl at Flanagan's.
She's been there two hours now
and everyone's too afraid to hit on her.
Let's roll.
Now, Josh, wait.
It sounds like she's really hot, man.
We got to think this through. Josh! Ugh!
I'm getting too old for this shit.
Get this shit out of my face.
- What's the sitch?
- It's worse than we thought.
That super-hot woman is
in there with her friends,
and they're really hot too.
The guys inside are scared, all right?
There's no way anyone's gonna hit on her.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hi, sorry.
Why does someone have to hit on her?
Well, because she's hot.
Okay, but, so what?
Why does an attractive
woman have to be hit on?
It just doesn't make sense.
- Somebody get her out of here!
- Good. All right.
What's the game plan?
Well, we need a guy on the inside,
talking close to her about something
she can kind of latch on to.
The latest episode of "Empire."
Then maybe, hopefully,
she can say something like,
"Hey, you guys talking about 'Empire'?"
- And then we can say...
- No, no. Screw that.
I'm going in. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You can't go straight up to her, man.
It's a suicide mission.
You think I care?
I'm loco.
Excuse me, I need to talk
to your friend for a second.
Hi, I'm Josh. You want to go on a date?
You want to reject me?
You want to reject me?
You want to reject me? Go
on, reject me, reject me.
I live for this shit.
Just do me a favor, babe.
Do it right to my face.
- I'll go out with you.
- What?
I'll go on a date with you.
Well, so, when? When should we do this?
When's good for you? I'm available, always.
I mean, you know what? Let's just...
Let's just... let's just give
each other... exchange info,
like we're in a car accident,
and we will figure out
the logistics of everything later on.
Okay.
He may be crazy, but god
damn it, he gets the job done.
Occasionally.
Hey, you better not say "I told you so."
Okay.
- But I told you so.
- Hey!
I want to know how the date went.
Terrible.
I got nervous and went on a rant
about the plot holes in "Prometheus."
- How long?
- Pretty long.
I mean, it's a long movie.
It's rife with plot holes.
Did you use the word "rife"?
- Several times.
- Yeah.
Anyway, at least I went for it, right?
And just 'cause it
didn't work out this time,
doesn't mean I won't try again.
Good.
I'm just glad you got
rid of that stupid hat.
Yeah, me too.
Watch out!
Saturn, what the hell are you doing here?
How much have you had to drink?
Really? That doesn't sound like two beers.
No, no, no, no.
Why do you think? Because
you treated me like crap,
all right, and I moved on.
So please do me a favor,
vacate the premises.
Reverse.
Hey, reverse!
Masturbation.
We all do it, but what if I told you,
you've been doing it all wrong?
In his 2008 book "Outliers,"
Malcolm Gladwell argues that
any expert in any given field
must accumulate over 10,000 hours
in his or her own craft.
He calls this the "10,000 Hour Rule."
Well, folks, what about
a 10 million hour rule?
By noon of most days,
I've become desensitized
to even the most outlandish
forms of pornography.
I am just a joyless husk of a man.
So how do I push through it? Hmm?
How do I make myself continue?
Ingenuity.
Say you want to masturbate
to an ex-girlfriend,
or a high school crush
but she's never done porn.
Well, guess you can't
masturbate to her, right?
Wrong!
Take the audio from a porn vid,
and play it under her most
skin-revealing Facebook photos.
Now she's in the action.
Um...
Unfortunately, I have to
go take care of something.
Wish me luck.
Whoo!
I'm not even eating it for
the marshmallows anymore.
I actually look forward to the oat pieces.
Guess I'm getting older.
Josh?
Are you even listening to me?
No, no. Sorry.
What, I'm just kind of
in the middle of a thing
with the girl across the bar.
- Ooh, which one?
- Don't... don't look, don't look.
I'm trying to take a long game approach.
facial recognition.
Just want to plant the
seed. That way maybe sometime
weeks from now I bump
into her and she goes,
"Hey, don't I recognize
you from someplace?"
And I'll be like, "Huh. I don't know.
Do you? Maybe?"
That sounds like a really long game.
Ah, I figure what's the hurry, right?
H-Hello?
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, God.
Are you here to kill me?
No, no? So then, what, what?
What? What do you want?
My teeth? My mouth? My face. My...
My hair?
Oh, God, it's gonna look that bad?
Ah, oh! No!
But I'm only 28. I'm too young to go bald!
No, okay! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, what can I do? What can I...
Rogaine! I'll start doing Rogaine, right?
That can buy me some time, if I start using
the creams and the gels, right?
No. Okay, so,
So no hair. Guys look good without hair.
Like Jason Statham.
Yeah, I know, okay, I'm not Jason Statham.
Man, I feel like... black
guys. If I were black, like...
'Cause black guys can pull off
the bald look, I think, right?
Like...
I suppose they have it bad in other ways,
like oppression.
I mean, I mean, would you...
would you make that trade?
Yeah, it is interesting. It is interesting.
No!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
So, it's like a gradual process.
Okay, so, ballpark, how
much time we looking at here?
No!
I've got to hurry.
Man.
God damn it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold one second.
Hey!
Hey. What's... what's with the hat?
You know, I'm just trying a new look.
It's, uh, business on the bottom,
party atop my head.
- What would you like for dinner?
- Give me that hat, all right?
- You look so ridiculous.
- No, no!
What? It looks ridiculous.
I'm... I got a... I got a...
- What?
- I'm going bald, Liz.
I don't see it. Where?
I can't see it. There's a spot.
There's a spot.
- Right here, there's like a...
- Right there?
I think you're overreacting, there.
I'm not over... you don't
know what this is like.
Imagine just trying to date,
and there's this one part
of your body that you have no control over,
that has, like, a ticking clock to it.
Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough.
My point is, I need to
lock something down now.
I need to get in there.
I need to lock something down yesterday,
and I'm not above lowering
my expectations to do that.
Wait, what? Why? What does that mean?
I don't need someone with
all the bells and whistles.
I just need someone
safe. Reliable, you know.
Sounds like you're talking about a car.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I am.
Mike, Liz, I want you to
meet my new girlfriend.
She's a 1998 Saturn.
Hi... hi.
What's up? I'm Mike.
Hey, man.
You want to come hit up the buffet with me?
- Oh, yeah, you got it.
- Cool.
All right, I'll see you in a bit.
Mwah!
Uh, don't listen to anything
this one says about me.
- Oh, gosh.
- Nice to meet you.
Well, I love your hubcaps.
- So you're attracted to her?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm not blind... I know she
doesn't have the kind of body
you'd see on the cover of
"Penthouse" or "Car and Driver"
or something, but...
We... we make it work.
How, exactly?
Ah, that's pretty personal.
Would you say that you...
put it in her gas hole?
- Mike!
- Well, do you? I don't know.
Yes.
God, um, and... and... and...
Do you, uh, complete the act?
- Yes.
- My God.
Well, look, is it the
best sex I've ever had? No.
Does it get the job done? Sort of.
Does it hurt? Well, I'm
sticking my cock into a gas tank,
so yes, but I'm just
happy to have a girlfriend.
Well, as long as you're happy, man.
Michael, I couldn't be happier.
Hey, hey.
Yeah.
Ouch.
Oh! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
Ow! Ow!
Josh doesn't bring a lot of ladies home,
so this is a real treat.
Uh, are you sure I can't
get you a glass of wine?
Oh, well, actually, she doesn't drink.
How about some brisket?
She doesn't eat meat.
Just gas, usually.
No only, she... all she eats is gas.
Neato.
Well, I think I'll clear some plates.
Josh, would you mind helping me?
Oh, yeah, not at all.
So, thank you, uh, for having us over.
Mmm.
And I can tell she really likes you.
Josh, you know that Tom
and I love you very much,
and you know that we
will always support you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Having said that,
this is a tough one.
What do you mean?
I think you're settling, Josh,
and I don't want you to settle!
I want you to be with
the person, or the car,
or the boat, or whatever you think
is the absolute best.
Why? Why? It's not like
I'm the absolute best.
- Oh, Joshy!
- Seriously, Mom, I'm a...
balding 28-year-old temp.
I think this midsize sedan is
about the best I'll ever do,
which... which is why I'm
gonna ask her to marry me.
Oh.
Well.
This is a tough one.
Would you do me the honor
of taking me as I am on bended knee?
Oh, shit. The ring.
The ring, the ring, the ring.
Very important.
Oh, right, yeah.
Yeah.
- Saturn, I'm home.
- Ah, you're dirty.
- You are dirty!
- What the hell?
- Ah, Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh...
- Aah!
Hey, hey, it's not what
it looks like, I'm sorry.
- Get out of my house!
- Can I finish?
No, you can't finish! Get out of here!
Sorry, sorry.
You too!
Sorry.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing all alone in the corner?
Mike, I've been doing
some thinking about life,
and I've come to the conclusion
I'm the most pathetic
piece of shit on the planet.
Ah, don't say that.
It's true, though. It's true.
I just keep getting rejected.
And even when I settle,
I still get cheated on
with three other guys.
- Thought it was two guys.
- No, no.
A third was discovered.
I'm a miserable bald piece of shit
in a stupid beanie.
You know what, I don't
think... I don't care anymore.
I don't even care anymore. That's it.
Take a look, everybody.
Take a look at the freak!
Shut up, shut up.
There's a crazy hot girl over there.
All right, don't look,
don't look, don't look.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm gonna ask her out.
How are you so confident all of a sudden?
You were just talking
about what a loser you are.
That's just it.
I'm such a loser, I gots
nothing left to lose.
Hey, you want to date,
like, a creepy bald guy?
- No.
- Cool.
Dude, that was crazy. Sorry.
- Want to date?
- Go away.
Yep.
- I'm Josh, you want to party?
- No.
Makes sense.
- Should we do this?
- Gross.
- All right.
- Dude, that was insane.
I've never seen somebody get
rejected so many times in a row.
How are you still alive?
Because I use my secret weapon:
not giving a shit.
Yeah, well, you know who will give a shit.
Greenberg!
You're a loose cannon!
You can't walk straight up to girls!
It's too direct.
You got to be cool.
You got to make small talk.
Talk about the "Game of Thrones."
At least play the college
name game, for Christ's sake!
God damn it, Greenberg.
Put that out!
Holy shit!
That's unnecessary, man.
Get out!
Wait, whoa, whoa. What's going on?
There's a real hot girl at Flanagan's.
She's been there two hours now
and everyone's too afraid to hit on her.
Let's roll.
Now, Josh, wait.
It sounds like she's really hot, man.
We got to think this through. Josh! Ugh!
I'm getting too old for this shit.
Get this shit out of my face.
- What's the sitch?
- It's worse than we thought.
That super-hot woman is
in there with her friends,
and they're really hot too.
The guys inside are scared, all right?
There's no way anyone's gonna hit on her.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hi, sorry.
Why does someone have to hit on her?
Well, because she's hot.
Okay, but, so what?
Why does an attractive
woman have to be hit on?
It just doesn't make sense.
- Somebody get her out of here!
- Good. All right.
What's the game plan?
Well, we need a guy on the inside,
talking close to her about something
she can kind of latch on to.
The latest episode of "Empire."
Then maybe, hopefully,
she can say something like,
"Hey, you guys talking about 'Empire'?"
- And then we can say...
- No, no. Screw that.
I'm going in. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You can't go straight up to her, man.
It's a suicide mission.
You think I care?
I'm loco.
Excuse me, I need to talk
to your friend for a second.
Hi, I'm Josh. You want to go on a date?
You want to reject me?
You want to reject me?
You want to reject me? Go
on, reject me, reject me.
I live for this shit.
Just do me a favor, babe.
Do it right to my face.
- I'll go out with you.
- What?
I'll go on a date with you.
Well, so, when? When should we do this?
When's good for you? I'm available, always.
I mean, you know what? Let's just...
Let's just... let's just give
each other... exchange info,
like we're in a car accident,
and we will figure out
the logistics of everything later on.
Okay.
He may be crazy, but god
damn it, he gets the job done.
Occasionally.
Hey, you better not say "I told you so."
Okay.
- But I told you so.
- Hey!
I want to know how the date went.
Terrible.
I got nervous and went on a rant
about the plot holes in "Prometheus."
- How long?
- Pretty long.
I mean, it's a long movie.
It's rife with plot holes.
Did you use the word "rife"?
- Several times.
- Yeah.
Anyway, at least I went for it, right?
And just 'cause it
didn't work out this time,
doesn't mean I won't try again.
Good.
I'm just glad you got
rid of that stupid hat.
Yeah, me too.
Watch out!
Saturn, what the hell are you doing here?
How much have you had to drink?
Really? That doesn't sound like two beers.
No, no, no, no.
Why do you think? Because
you treated me like crap,
all right, and I moved on.
So please do me a favor,
vacate the premises.
Reverse.
Hey, reverse!