Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Feather - full transcript
Josh's girlfriend "can't get no satisfaction" even though he tries and he tries (and he tries).
- If we just put a pin
in that for a second...
- Dude, you been talking to that girl all night.
How's it been going?
- Ah, dare I say amazing?
- Uh, killin' it, bro.
- So, as I was saying,
"Super Mario Brothers 2" has actually made
some pretty serious contributions
to the visual vocabulary of the game as a whole.
This, despite being the quote-unquote "least canonical"
of the franchise-- more on that later.
But for now, let us consider the case of the POW block.
- [gurgling]
- Whoa, uh, help! Help!
- Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor.
She's dead. - What? What?
Oh, my God.
Was that, like, a sort of a heart attack?
- This woman died of boredom. - What? That's impossible.
A person can't die from being bored.
- It can happen in rare instances--
when a person hears something completely devoid of interest,
the brain becomes starved for stimulation,
and it begins to eat itself.
The pain is indescribable.
And when death comes, it is a sweet release.
- Okay, but she was interested, right?
'Cause she was nodding along. She kept going, "Mm-hmm."
- Those were vocal cord spasms cause by pre-death rigor mortis.
She was trying to cry out,
but, alas, she was too far gone to scream.
- I was--I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- Know what? Don't blame yourself.
Just stop.
- I thought I was being pretty interesting.
- So did I.
- You did? - Yeah.
Except Mario 2 didn't invent the POW block.
It was in Mario 1, but you couldn't--
both: Pick it up.
- You couldn't pick it up. Yeah. I'm Josh.
- Claire. - Hi.
- And, of course, you were talking
about the U.S. Mario 2...
- Not the so-called true sequel.
Look at you. - Out of my way!
- This is just incredible.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
All right, so I'll meet you at the theater.
Like, 7:00?
All right. Can't wait.
'Kay, bye.
Claire and I are going to a '50s sci-fi movie festival
at that theater where they sell old-timey sodas.
- Uh-huh. What date is this?
- Uh, fifth. - Whoa.
You know what that means. - Uh.
- Butt sex, dude. - What?
I don't--I don't think that's standard.
- What? Sure it is, dude.
First three dates are sex. - Okay.
- Fourth date is butt stuff.
Then, fifth date is formal butt sex.
- Oh.
I mean, well, we--we haven't had any kind of sex yet.
- What?
- Well, no, I mean,
stuff has been going really well between us.
We gel. We read the same comics.
We like the same video games.
I don't want to ruin it by rushing sex into it too soon.
- But aren't you going crazy?
You haven't had sex in forever.
- Eh. It hasn't been that long.
- [coughing]
- Did you hear something?
- No.
Oh. [both gasp]
- Ew. - Yuck.
- How long have you had that condom?
- I--I don't-- I don't know.
I forgot it was in there.
- Hello, Josh.
- You can talk!
- I can talk, sing--
dream, even.
Used to do a little soft-shoe
before my lubrication dried out on me.
But that'll all be over soon.
For, you see, Josh,
I'm dying.
- You're dying?
- Go on. Turn me over.
Read my expiration date.
- That's--that's today.
- I was put on this earth to do one simple thing,
and I'll be dead before I get the chance.
Oh. [crying]
- Don't worry, little guy. Tonight's the night.
I'm gonna make a move on Claire.
- Oh, thank you, Josh.
Thank you.
You make an old condom smile.
- Nice.
- What was your favorite part?
- Oh, uh, probably the bit where the rocket died
and it needed moon rocks--
- To get energy? Yeah, me too.
- Oh, Lord.
We wasted three hours in there,
and now we're talking about moon rocks?
Get to the sex, Josh. Please, get to the sex.
- Shh! Stay down.
- What was that? - What? What?
Um, nothin'. Nothin'.
- So, we're still on for a hike next Saturday?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
Uh, I would hike that very much.
- Oh, Lord.
- Well, thanks for another nice night.
- Yes, yes, of course. Thank you also.
Moop.
- [laughs]
Okay. Bye.
- Man, what happened?
- I-- - She was into it!
- I'm aware.
I was just waiting for a clear signal.
- How much clearer do you want?
You expect her to bend over and present like a monkey?
- No.
- And what in the sweet dancing Christ was "moop"?
- Yeah, I-I-I don't know.
- Do me a favor, son.
If you can't use me the way God intended,
at least fill me up with water and throw me off an overpass
so I can say I've done something in this world.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah, Claire!
- What is it? - Uh...
- Do you have a condom? - I-I do, in fact.
All right.
Let's do this, little buddy.
- Quit yappin' and slap me on.
- Okay.
- Okay, go slow! Go slow!
- [sighs] Okay. Here we go.
I think...
structural integrity is intact.
- [laughs] - All right.
Ah! - Oh, damn.
- [moans]
Oy.
- Thank you, Josh.
I won't forget you.
Loretta, I'm coming home.
- We--we should have been doing that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- Yeah.
Amazing.
- [grunts]
[sighs]
Hi.
We've, uh--
we've been on a real sexual hot streak lately, huh?
- Yep.
- What? What's, uh--
what's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- You--um.
Was it okay for you, or--
- Yeah, it was great.
- So, did you--
[squawks]
- Um, not exactly, but...
It's fine. I liked it.
- No, but-- because I can do some work
on your--down--down--
- Honestly, no, it's fine.
No, you were great.
[keyboard clicking]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Ugh.
Huh.
And ta-da.
- Den of Bliss. - Yep.
I thought, you know, that could be a cute new thing.
We go in there, peruse their merch,
find something for the old boudoir.
- I don't know, I've never been to one of these places.
- No, no, no, neither have I.
That's why I thought it could be kind of fun--
maybe be a bit adventurous, like--
worst case scenario,
we walk out of there with a hilarious story.
- Okay, I guess.
- Attagirl.
Wow, look at the handcuffs.
Feathers, ooh.
That could be pretty, uh-- pretty freaky.
- Maybe. - Hey.
Can I help you find anything?
- You may!
I don't know why I said it like--you--you may.
We are looking for a sexual toy.
- What kind of stuff are you into?
- Like, sex--um--
yeah, well, that's-- I'd say we're both
pretty highly evolved lovers.
I think we're up for just about anything.
- Do you have any dildos? - Yeah, right this way.
So, these are our dildos and vibrators.
They come in all different shapes and sizes,
so just feel free to browse around.
- Yeah, I mean, a dildo feels a bit superfluous, right?
'Cause, like, you've already got a Josh-do.
- What's this one? - This guy here is fully loaded.
It's curved to hit your G-spot,
and then it has a mini-vibe for your clit or your ass.
[laughs] It's pretty rad.
- Hey, by the way, if you're getting at all uncomfortable,
we can--we can leave.
I would totally understand it.
- What's that? - That's--
- Oh, great choice.
That's the Kyle.
Yeah, the Kyle pretty much does it all--
deep penetration,
variable speed action,
gives great backrubs.
It's actually our best seller in the store.
I've got two of them at home.
- So, what am I looking at here?
The Kyle is some sort of high-tech doll?
- It's more like just a big jacked dude
that [...] your girlfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, I think-- I think the Kyle might be
a bit too advanced for our tastes.
Like, maybe we should just, like,
test drive the feather, I think--
- The Kyle looks kind of fun. - No.
Hmm.
I don't know.
- I thought you said you were an evolved lover.
[lively music]
♪ ♪
- It's nice, kind of nice, right?
How's that--how's that--
is it doing anything for you?
- Um, it tickles.
- Cool.
- Maybe we should try the Kyle.
- Oh.
Maybe we save the Kyle for, like, a special occasion,
like, uh,
Hanukkah.
- Let's try it now. - Okay. Yep.
- [sighs]
- Oh, my--
wow, okay.
Oh, he's got instructions.
Let's read those,
make sure we do this all correctly.
Step one: open the box. Okay.
Step two: the Kyle does his thing.
So...
Oh, okay. Yeah.
So he does.
- [moaning]
Oh, this feels incredible.
- Am I doing it right?
- [moaning]
Try holding the Kyle a little lower.
- Like--like this?
- [moaning]
Even lower.
- Like--like this?
- Lower.
- So, like, how about-- how about like this?
- Oh, that's perfect.
[moaning] Yeah!
[moaning]
[machine gun firing]
[shrieks]
[sighs]
- [panting]
Hey there, mate.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
[groans]
Right.
- Cool.
[sexy saxophone music]
- Wow.
We should have done that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- [laughs]
Yeah.
Amazing.
- Mm. That was delicious.
You put together such a romantic evening.
- Well, it's actually not done just yet.
- What? - ♪ Dun da-da dun ♪
Sci-fi themed cookies. - Ohh.
Wow, you made aliens and rocket ships.
What did I do to get such an amazing boyfriend?
- Eh.
- Mm.
One sec. I'm just gonna grab the Kyle.
- Oh, actually,
I thought maybe
tonight could just be about you and me.
- Tonight is about you and me. - Right. Okay.
So, then, why do we need that thing?
- Mm, it just helps me.
- Uh, can't you just get off like a normal person,
just once?
- Like a normal person?
- No, that's--ohh.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry. I--
Oh.
- So, what brings you in to therapy?
- Claire and I have, uh,
ehh.
Sex problems.
- There's no such thing as a sex problem--
only sex opportunities.
- Okay, well, we have a pretty bad sex opportunity.
She is less than satisfied by our lovemaking,
and I was hoping, like, you could help her.
Like, recommend some exercises for her to do.
They're called, uh, Kangols.
- Kangols are a type of hat.
- Okay. See? This is--
- If it's all right with you, I'd like to talk to Claire
privately for a few minutes.
- Oh, yeah, a bit-- a bit of girl chat.
Yeah, love it. All right.
Uh, don't--don't say anything bad about me.
[both laugh]
- Okay. Bye now. - Yeah. Okay. Okay.
But seriously, don't.
- Josh? We're ready for you.
- Okay.
Hello.
Are you okay?
- I'm great.
Dr. Evans has helped me realize
that all the problems we were having in our relationship
are entirely my fault.
- [whispers] Thank you.
- I have been living a lie,
and it's time I finally admit it.
- Admit what?
- You're safe. You're safe.
You can do it.
- [exhales]
I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
It means I'm sexually attracted to people who aren't you.
- So--so you're gay.
- No. Not-Joshero means just not you.
- But--but that's
so mean.
- But this has nothing to do with you, Josh.
This is about Claire and her sexual orientation.
I think I have a book.
- There's--there's books?
- People have been unattracted to you for thousands of years.
- Thousands? - Since the dawn of mankind.
In ancient Greece,
not-Joshero love was considered quite normal.
Plato called it the cornerstone of a modern democracy.
- It--what?
How many--how--
how many people have this?
- Some people put the number at 10%.
You know, others say it could be as high as 100%.
- What?
- Some of your favorite celebrities
are not-Josheros.
Carmelo Anthony.
Recording artist Pink.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- They got The Rock?
Okay. You know what? That's it.
Let's go, Claire.
Thank you very much.
For nothing, really.
Claire, this is just ridiculous.
You are not a not-Joshero-sexual.
We've had sex.
- I was trying to make it work,
but now I realize it's just not who I am.
- You--you-- you like me, don't you?
- Yes. I like you so much.
- Okay, so that's all that matters.
Like, we-- we love hanging out.
We enjoy each other's company. Right?
So--so maybe this "you not being remotely attracted to me
at all" thing is something that we can, like, work on.
Together, like--
I'm saying let's-- let's try.
- Yeah. Okay.
Let's try.
Can you check on my computer
to see how much marjoram we need?
- Sure thing, honey.
All right, half a teaspoon of marjoram...
dear.
- Thank you.
[mouse button clicks]
- Oh.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- I'm not Josh.
- Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - You are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh.
- Not Josh! - I'm not Josh!
Not Josh. - Not Josh!
- Josh.
I'm so sorry.
- I-I-I thought you said you'd changed.
- I tried, but I can't.
Not being attracted to you is who I am.
- Yup.
I'm gonna go... - [whispers] No.
- Bicycle or something.
- I'm sorry! - [shrieks]
[fast punk music]
♪ ♪
[clattering]
- Augh!
Oh, God.
What the--
- [gasps] Are you okay?
- Whoa. - Watch yourself now.
Let's get you up slowly.
That was quite a spill you took.
Are--are you sure you're okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm good.
I've [slurring]-- thank you.
Thank you for helping me up.
Was, uh, very nice of you.
- It's a good thing we saw you.
We're just headed over to the not-Joshero pride parade.
- Wait, what?
You're not-Josheros? - Yeah.
- Then why did you help me? I thought you didn't like me.
- Oh, heck no. We like you fine.
We're just not sexually attracted to you.
- Yeah, you seem like a nice fella.
We're just not interested in playing with your ding-dong.
- No. You take care of yourself, okay?
- Yeah. - You have a good day now.
- Yeah.
[bell rings]
- Josh, I told you. This isn't gonna work.
- No, no. I know that.
I just--
There's something I want to show you.
Trust me.
[cheering]
[upbeat polka music]
- What is this?
- It's the annual not-Joshero pride parade.
Couple friends told me about it.
I'm sorry I tried to change you.
I-I think the truth is we're just not right for each other.
- We are right for each other.
Just not in that way.
- Well...
So long, Claire.
- Hey, wait.
Um, what are you doing next weekend?
- Probably nothing. Why?
- There's a horror movie festival.
I've been looking for a friend to go with me.
- Count me in.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- [sputtering]
[sighs]
- [moaning]
- Oh, my God.
- [moans] - Jesus.
Ugh.
- Josh?
Josh, is that you?
I've been in this closet for so long
I think I've gone blind.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so--I completely forgot that you were in here.
Why didn't you just leave? - I can't leave.
I'm your sex toy, to do with as you see fit.
- Yeah, right.
Um, well, Claire and I broke up,
so you don't have to be my sex toy anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, go. Just--hydrate.
Or eat something. Yeah.
- You're giving me my freedom?
- Yeah. - Crikey!
- Yeah. There you go.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
- Thanks, mate. - Yep. It's all good.
It's all good. Yeah.
- Would you like me to [...] you before I go?
- No, thank you.
- You sure?
'Cause I can do that. I can [...] you.
- No, I know. I know you can.
- Okay.
Good-bye, Josh.
I'll never forget you.
- I--yeah.
Um, so, what are you gonna do?
- Maybe I'll go back to Sydney
and finish my degree in applied mathematics.
- Huh.
- I don't know.
The world is wide-open.
- Yeah.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[bell dings]
- I'm not Josh. - Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are not Josh.
[moaning]
[funky music]
♪ ♪
- Dude, you been talking to that girl all night.
How's it been going?
- Ah, dare I say amazing?
- Uh, killin' it, bro.
- So, as I was saying,
"Super Mario Brothers 2" has actually made
some pretty serious contributions
to the visual vocabulary of the game as a whole.
This, despite being the quote-unquote "least canonical"
of the franchise-- more on that later.
But for now, let us consider the case of the POW block.
- [gurgling]
- Whoa, uh, help! Help!
- Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor.
She's dead. - What? What?
Oh, my God.
Was that, like, a sort of a heart attack?
- This woman died of boredom. - What? That's impossible.
A person can't die from being bored.
- It can happen in rare instances--
when a person hears something completely devoid of interest,
the brain becomes starved for stimulation,
and it begins to eat itself.
The pain is indescribable.
And when death comes, it is a sweet release.
- Okay, but she was interested, right?
'Cause she was nodding along. She kept going, "Mm-hmm."
- Those were vocal cord spasms cause by pre-death rigor mortis.
She was trying to cry out,
but, alas, she was too far gone to scream.
- I was--I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- Know what? Don't blame yourself.
Just stop.
- I thought I was being pretty interesting.
- So did I.
- You did? - Yeah.
Except Mario 2 didn't invent the POW block.
It was in Mario 1, but you couldn't--
both: Pick it up.
- You couldn't pick it up. Yeah. I'm Josh.
- Claire. - Hi.
- And, of course, you were talking
about the U.S. Mario 2...
- Not the so-called true sequel.
Look at you. - Out of my way!
- This is just incredible.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
All right, so I'll meet you at the theater.
Like, 7:00?
All right. Can't wait.
'Kay, bye.
Claire and I are going to a '50s sci-fi movie festival
at that theater where they sell old-timey sodas.
- Uh-huh. What date is this?
- Uh, fifth. - Whoa.
You know what that means. - Uh.
- Butt sex, dude. - What?
I don't--I don't think that's standard.
- What? Sure it is, dude.
First three dates are sex. - Okay.
- Fourth date is butt stuff.
Then, fifth date is formal butt sex.
- Oh.
I mean, well, we--we haven't had any kind of sex yet.
- What?
- Well, no, I mean,
stuff has been going really well between us.
We gel. We read the same comics.
We like the same video games.
I don't want to ruin it by rushing sex into it too soon.
- But aren't you going crazy?
You haven't had sex in forever.
- Eh. It hasn't been that long.
- [coughing]
- Did you hear something?
- No.
Oh. [both gasp]
- Ew. - Yuck.
- How long have you had that condom?
- I--I don't-- I don't know.
I forgot it was in there.
- Hello, Josh.
- You can talk!
- I can talk, sing--
dream, even.
Used to do a little soft-shoe
before my lubrication dried out on me.
But that'll all be over soon.
For, you see, Josh,
I'm dying.
- You're dying?
- Go on. Turn me over.
Read my expiration date.
- That's--that's today.
- I was put on this earth to do one simple thing,
and I'll be dead before I get the chance.
Oh. [crying]
- Don't worry, little guy. Tonight's the night.
I'm gonna make a move on Claire.
- Oh, thank you, Josh.
Thank you.
You make an old condom smile.
- Nice.
- What was your favorite part?
- Oh, uh, probably the bit where the rocket died
and it needed moon rocks--
- To get energy? Yeah, me too.
- Oh, Lord.
We wasted three hours in there,
and now we're talking about moon rocks?
Get to the sex, Josh. Please, get to the sex.
- Shh! Stay down.
- What was that? - What? What?
Um, nothin'. Nothin'.
- So, we're still on for a hike next Saturday?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
Uh, I would hike that very much.
- Oh, Lord.
- Well, thanks for another nice night.
- Yes, yes, of course. Thank you also.
Moop.
- [laughs]
Okay. Bye.
- Man, what happened?
- I-- - She was into it!
- I'm aware.
I was just waiting for a clear signal.
- How much clearer do you want?
You expect her to bend over and present like a monkey?
- No.
- And what in the sweet dancing Christ was "moop"?
- Yeah, I-I-I don't know.
- Do me a favor, son.
If you can't use me the way God intended,
at least fill me up with water and throw me off an overpass
so I can say I've done something in this world.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah, Claire!
- What is it? - Uh...
- Do you have a condom? - I-I do, in fact.
All right.
Let's do this, little buddy.
- Quit yappin' and slap me on.
- Okay.
- Okay, go slow! Go slow!
- [sighs] Okay. Here we go.
I think...
structural integrity is intact.
- [laughs] - All right.
Ah! - Oh, damn.
- [moans]
Oy.
- Thank you, Josh.
I won't forget you.
Loretta, I'm coming home.
- We--we should have been doing that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- Yeah.
Amazing.
- [grunts]
[sighs]
Hi.
We've, uh--
we've been on a real sexual hot streak lately, huh?
- Yep.
- What? What's, uh--
what's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- You--um.
Was it okay for you, or--
- Yeah, it was great.
- So, did you--
[squawks]
- Um, not exactly, but...
It's fine. I liked it.
- No, but-- because I can do some work
on your--down--down--
- Honestly, no, it's fine.
No, you were great.
[keyboard clicking]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Ugh.
Huh.
And ta-da.
- Den of Bliss. - Yep.
I thought, you know, that could be a cute new thing.
We go in there, peruse their merch,
find something for the old boudoir.
- I don't know, I've never been to one of these places.
- No, no, no, neither have I.
That's why I thought it could be kind of fun--
maybe be a bit adventurous, like--
worst case scenario,
we walk out of there with a hilarious story.
- Okay, I guess.
- Attagirl.
Wow, look at the handcuffs.
Feathers, ooh.
That could be pretty, uh-- pretty freaky.
- Maybe. - Hey.
Can I help you find anything?
- You may!
I don't know why I said it like--you--you may.
We are looking for a sexual toy.
- What kind of stuff are you into?
- Like, sex--um--
yeah, well, that's-- I'd say we're both
pretty highly evolved lovers.
I think we're up for just about anything.
- Do you have any dildos? - Yeah, right this way.
So, these are our dildos and vibrators.
They come in all different shapes and sizes,
so just feel free to browse around.
- Yeah, I mean, a dildo feels a bit superfluous, right?
'Cause, like, you've already got a Josh-do.
- What's this one? - This guy here is fully loaded.
It's curved to hit your G-spot,
and then it has a mini-vibe for your clit or your ass.
[laughs] It's pretty rad.
- Hey, by the way, if you're getting at all uncomfortable,
we can--we can leave.
I would totally understand it.
- What's that? - That's--
- Oh, great choice.
That's the Kyle.
Yeah, the Kyle pretty much does it all--
deep penetration,
variable speed action,
gives great backrubs.
It's actually our best seller in the store.
I've got two of them at home.
- So, what am I looking at here?
The Kyle is some sort of high-tech doll?
- It's more like just a big jacked dude
that [...] your girlfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, I think-- I think the Kyle might be
a bit too advanced for our tastes.
Like, maybe we should just, like,
test drive the feather, I think--
- The Kyle looks kind of fun. - No.
Hmm.
I don't know.
- I thought you said you were an evolved lover.
[lively music]
♪ ♪
- It's nice, kind of nice, right?
How's that--how's that--
is it doing anything for you?
- Um, it tickles.
- Cool.
- Maybe we should try the Kyle.
- Oh.
Maybe we save the Kyle for, like, a special occasion,
like, uh,
Hanukkah.
- Let's try it now. - Okay. Yep.
- [sighs]
- Oh, my--
wow, okay.
Oh, he's got instructions.
Let's read those,
make sure we do this all correctly.
Step one: open the box. Okay.
Step two: the Kyle does his thing.
So...
Oh, okay. Yeah.
So he does.
- [moaning]
Oh, this feels incredible.
- Am I doing it right?
- [moaning]
Try holding the Kyle a little lower.
- Like--like this?
- [moaning]
Even lower.
- Like--like this?
- Lower.
- So, like, how about-- how about like this?
- Oh, that's perfect.
[moaning] Yeah!
[moaning]
[machine gun firing]
[shrieks]
[sighs]
- [panting]
Hey there, mate.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
[groans]
Right.
- Cool.
[sexy saxophone music]
- Wow.
We should have done that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- [laughs]
Yeah.
Amazing.
- Mm. That was delicious.
You put together such a romantic evening.
- Well, it's actually not done just yet.
- What? - ♪ Dun da-da dun ♪
Sci-fi themed cookies. - Ohh.
Wow, you made aliens and rocket ships.
What did I do to get such an amazing boyfriend?
- Eh.
- Mm.
One sec. I'm just gonna grab the Kyle.
- Oh, actually,
I thought maybe
tonight could just be about you and me.
- Tonight is about you and me. - Right. Okay.
So, then, why do we need that thing?
- Mm, it just helps me.
- Uh, can't you just get off like a normal person,
just once?
- Like a normal person?
- No, that's--ohh.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry. I--
Oh.
- So, what brings you in to therapy?
- Claire and I have, uh,
ehh.
Sex problems.
- There's no such thing as a sex problem--
only sex opportunities.
- Okay, well, we have a pretty bad sex opportunity.
She is less than satisfied by our lovemaking,
and I was hoping, like, you could help her.
Like, recommend some exercises for her to do.
They're called, uh, Kangols.
- Kangols are a type of hat.
- Okay. See? This is--
- If it's all right with you, I'd like to talk to Claire
privately for a few minutes.
- Oh, yeah, a bit-- a bit of girl chat.
Yeah, love it. All right.
Uh, don't--don't say anything bad about me.
[both laugh]
- Okay. Bye now. - Yeah. Okay. Okay.
But seriously, don't.
- Josh? We're ready for you.
- Okay.
Hello.
Are you okay?
- I'm great.
Dr. Evans has helped me realize
that all the problems we were having in our relationship
are entirely my fault.
- [whispers] Thank you.
- I have been living a lie,
and it's time I finally admit it.
- Admit what?
- You're safe. You're safe.
You can do it.
- [exhales]
I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
It means I'm sexually attracted to people who aren't you.
- So--so you're gay.
- No. Not-Joshero means just not you.
- But--but that's
so mean.
- But this has nothing to do with you, Josh.
This is about Claire and her sexual orientation.
I think I have a book.
- There's--there's books?
- People have been unattracted to you for thousands of years.
- Thousands? - Since the dawn of mankind.
In ancient Greece,
not-Joshero love was considered quite normal.
Plato called it the cornerstone of a modern democracy.
- It--what?
How many--how--
how many people have this?
- Some people put the number at 10%.
You know, others say it could be as high as 100%.
- What?
- Some of your favorite celebrities
are not-Josheros.
Carmelo Anthony.
Recording artist Pink.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- They got The Rock?
Okay. You know what? That's it.
Let's go, Claire.
Thank you very much.
For nothing, really.
Claire, this is just ridiculous.
You are not a not-Joshero-sexual.
We've had sex.
- I was trying to make it work,
but now I realize it's just not who I am.
- You--you-- you like me, don't you?
- Yes. I like you so much.
- Okay, so that's all that matters.
Like, we-- we love hanging out.
We enjoy each other's company. Right?
So--so maybe this "you not being remotely attracted to me
at all" thing is something that we can, like, work on.
Together, like--
I'm saying let's-- let's try.
- Yeah. Okay.
Let's try.
Can you check on my computer
to see how much marjoram we need?
- Sure thing, honey.
All right, half a teaspoon of marjoram...
dear.
- Thank you.
[mouse button clicks]
- Oh.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- I'm not Josh.
- Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - You are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh.
- Not Josh! - I'm not Josh!
Not Josh. - Not Josh!
- Josh.
I'm so sorry.
- I-I-I thought you said you'd changed.
- I tried, but I can't.
Not being attracted to you is who I am.
- Yup.
I'm gonna go... - [whispers] No.
- Bicycle or something.
- I'm sorry! - [shrieks]
[fast punk music]
♪ ♪
[clattering]
- Augh!
Oh, God.
What the--
- [gasps] Are you okay?
- Whoa. - Watch yourself now.
Let's get you up slowly.
That was quite a spill you took.
Are--are you sure you're okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm good.
I've [slurring]-- thank you.
Thank you for helping me up.
Was, uh, very nice of you.
- It's a good thing we saw you.
We're just headed over to the not-Joshero pride parade.
- Wait, what?
You're not-Josheros? - Yeah.
- Then why did you help me? I thought you didn't like me.
- Oh, heck no. We like you fine.
We're just not sexually attracted to you.
- Yeah, you seem like a nice fella.
We're just not interested in playing with your ding-dong.
- No. You take care of yourself, okay?
- Yeah. - You have a good day now.
- Yeah.
[bell rings]
- Josh, I told you. This isn't gonna work.
- No, no. I know that.
I just--
There's something I want to show you.
Trust me.
[cheering]
[upbeat polka music]
- What is this?
- It's the annual not-Joshero pride parade.
Couple friends told me about it.
I'm sorry I tried to change you.
I-I think the truth is we're just not right for each other.
- We are right for each other.
Just not in that way.
- Well...
So long, Claire.
- Hey, wait.
Um, what are you doing next weekend?
- Probably nothing. Why?
- There's a horror movie festival.
I've been looking for a friend to go with me.
- Count me in.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- [sputtering]
[sighs]
- [moaning]
- Oh, my God.
- [moans] - Jesus.
Ugh.
- Josh?
Josh, is that you?
I've been in this closet for so long
I think I've gone blind.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so--I completely forgot that you were in here.
Why didn't you just leave? - I can't leave.
I'm your sex toy, to do with as you see fit.
- Yeah, right.
Um, well, Claire and I broke up,
so you don't have to be my sex toy anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, go. Just--hydrate.
Or eat something. Yeah.
- You're giving me my freedom?
- Yeah. - Crikey!
- Yeah. There you go.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
- Thanks, mate. - Yep. It's all good.
It's all good. Yeah.
- Would you like me to [...] you before I go?
- No, thank you.
- You sure?
'Cause I can do that. I can [...] you.
- No, I know. I know you can.
- Okay.
Good-bye, Josh.
I'll never forget you.
- I--yeah.
Um, so, what are you gonna do?
- Maybe I'll go back to Sydney
and finish my degree in applied mathematics.
- Huh.
- I don't know.
The world is wide-open.
- Yeah.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[bell dings]
- I'm not Josh. - Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are not Josh.
[moaning]
[funky music]
♪ ♪