Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Pitbull - full transcript
Josh and Mike have a wild night out.
(elevator bell dings)
♪ ♪
Oh...
(exhales loudly)
WOMAN'S VOICE: Josh.
(moaning on computer)
Josh, come on. Yeah, I know.
We need to talk.
Of course, what... What? What's up?
I don't want to do this anymore. What...
What? What-What do you mean?
This just isn't working for me.
It's the same thing every time.
The laptop, the Lubriderm. I'm bored.
Aren't you bored?
No, I'm not bored.
This is fun. I think-I think...
I like what we have.
I think it's fun. Remember eighth grade?
Back then, things were so passionate, they were exciting.
God, I'll never forget the day we found that Delia's catalogue.
Or-Or that time on the bus on the
Washington, D.C. trip. Oh, yeah. Yeah, D.C. was crazy.
But lately, it's gotten so mechanical.
I want more than this.
I want to play guitar. I want to work a loom.
Learn sign language. And you'll do all those things, but can we just
pick this up in, like, three and a half to four minutes time?
Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.
It's like we're just going through the motions.
I'm sick of it. I-I want to see what's out there.
I mean, I've only been with one other guy.
What? When?
At camp. You were asleep. Was it that
creepy kid with the dead eye, Tobias? It wasn't
Tobias.
Then who was it?
The point is I just, I can't take this anymore.
I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.
Whoa. Oh, my...
Oh... Wait, okay. d-don't go. Please, we can...
we can try new things, we can spice it up.
Different-Different Web sites.
I... Different grips.
Good-bye, Josh.
Good-bye, hand.
MAN'S VOICE: Don't you even think about it!
Thank you for joining me for dinner.
Of course. That was fun.
(phone buzzing) Who is texting you so late?
Oh, Mike. Wow. Let's see.
"Better get hard, son. I'm getting you laid tonight."
Huh. Ew.
Yeah, ew. You don't need
that guy to help you get a girlfriend.
You know that, right?
Mm. Like, you're gonna find
someone super wonderful,
it's just a matter of time.
Thank you. Thank you, Liz. I appreciate that.
You know, and in the meantime, you can just... focus on you.
Mm-hmm. The path to love--
self-love.
Oh. Uh, yeah. You know? Just
maybe taking a yoga class.
Eh... Or
just go over to the gym.
Yeah, I guess I could. Meditate.
Meditate five minutes a day. Just... Yeah, okay.
Yup. These are just
tiny little seeds
(phone buzzing) that we're planting here, and it's
maybe not gonna take a day.
Maybe not gonna take a week. A couple months.
(phone buzzing) Little tiny plant growing.
"Oh, look at this plant." That's you.
Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.
She's gonna be like...
"I want that.
"I want this...
in my face."
Huh. And you're gonna be like,
(buzzing) "Damn. So glad I watered myself."
Whoa, whoa-- why don't you
go running with me tomorrow?
You could be my running partner. Yeah, um...
(buzzing) You know, it's really good
for your endorphins and
cardiovascular system and... Yeah.
Do you want to?
Yeah. Yup, yup. Yeah. Yeah? Is 7:00 a.m.
too early? No, 7:00 a.m.'s not early enough.
But, uh, in that case, I should hit the sack...
Yeah, totally. ...of hay.
New and improved Josh. Bright and early.
Right, no, that's perfect-- 7:00 a.m. See you tomorrow morning.
See you tomorrow morning. I'm excited. For you.
Oh, good. All right, cool. Okay. I love you.
Yeah, I love you. Yeah, good night. Bye. Good dinner.
Yes! Bye, bye, bye.
Wow, thank you. Thank you
so much. Well, this is great. Oh, yeah.
Uh, so what are-what are their names?
Whose names? The, uh...
slobbering girls. Oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean specific girls,
I just meant whoever's at the bar.
Oh, you don't act... Oh.
Oh. Come on, let's go.
Yeah, I-I don't know, man. Bars aren't really my thing.
Josh, the only way you're gonna
69 with some flat-chested skanks
is if you go to the bar and talk to them.
Yeah, I know.
You're not scared, are you? I... No.
You know how much I love...
wooing women. Great.
It's on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just pregame first.
Christ.
It's already pretty late. We'll just
pound these beers real quick and then we'll go, okay?
Five minutes.
All right, five minutes.
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ You-You stay behind ♪
♪ Too much money ♪
♪ Not-Not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ You stay behind ♪
Oh, that's a terrible way to drink beer.
Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.
♪ Make-Make-Make-Make, Make 'em drop. ♪
They call them matches because they match. Look at a...
Open up a matchbook, they all look the... What? That's ridic...
they all look the same. Oh, it is on.
(muffled dance music playing)
Uh, da, da, uh, we need to eat something, I think.
What? Yeah, we-we need fuel for dancing and flirting.
Dude, it's getting late. Let's just
pound some Mexican food. Five minutes.
All right, fine. Five minutes. Okay, come on,
come on, this way.
♪ Too much money, Not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you'll stay behind ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
(distorted slurp) (distorted): Mmm.
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ Make-Make-Make-Make, Make 'em drop ♪
♪ My name Deezy, also known for making bras pop ♪
♪ I'll put that charm up in that slot and hit the jackpot ♪ (both): Mmm!
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you-you stay behind ♪
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪ Yeah!
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you stay behind ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
♪ You stay behind. ♪
Dude, we drank, we ate, it is on.
(indistinct chatter)
Um... You... Wait, wait, let's just, uh,
pound a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle first.
Dude, it's getting...
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up on my grind, you-you stay behind ♪
(music distorts, stops)
♪ Behind ♪
♪ You stay behind ♪
♪ You stay b... you stay behind ♪
(beeping)
(classical music playing, applause)
(muffled club music playing)
It is on.
(indistinct chatter)
(echoing laughter)
Wait. Uh, okay.
Let's just pound this postmodern epic. Five minutes.
No. No.
You know what?
I'm starting to think that you don't want to go in there.
Why would you say that? I think you've just been stalling
because you're afraid to hit on girls.
Well, it's never gonna happen, is it, man?
These... Girls like this don't get with guys like me.
Dude, she just totally checked you out.
Holy Moses. Yeah, okay, let's-let's get in there.
Uh, let me just tie my shoes. No, there's no time.
It is on.
Ooh, it's on.
Oh, shit.
That was Mike and Josh. ♪ You stay behind. ♪
Oh, man, it's super late already.
Don't worry. Still plenty of time to score.
Ooh, two clusters,
divide and conquer.
JOSH: Uh, yeah? You don't
want to stick together? Uh... Okay, and you're gone.
(whoops) This is the best night of my life!
Divide and conquer.
Hey. Hey.
Hi. Uh... Hi.
What's good... What's the spot...
Should I be in the center?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.
Hey. How's it going? Hey.
Where should I be? Okay. Ow!
Hi. Hi. Hey.
Hi, hey.
Hi. Hi. Hey.
Hey, hi.
Mmm, mmm. (grunting)
That is just disgusting.
Land ho!
Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.
Uh, can I get you something to drink or...
Sure. Maybe a cosmo? That's a terrific idea.
Uh, barkeep? That'll be, uh, two cosmos. All right,
that's 38 bucks. It's $38?
So, one-one cosmo.
And...
a glass of water.
All right. Thank you.
So, uh, what's your name?
Sara. Sara.
That is an oldie but a goodie.
Very, very Biblical.
So, oldie but a goodie Sara, what...
Thank... Thank you.
Oh, this is so easy. Mmm.
(all laughing) (Mike whoops)
(laughs) Two shots, please.
Dude, this place is sick.
There's this girl, Sara-- she is all over me.
Are you...
How-how is it so easy for you to talk to these girls?
Like, what's your secret? Dude, there's no secret.
All you got to do is find a girl, walk up to her,
say "hi," do spiral eyes, ask her her name,
maybe buy her a drink, and then... Wait, wait, wait. Go back.
What-what did you just say?
Buy her a drink. No, before that.
Say "hi"? No, the other...
Uh, spiral something. Something with spiral?
Spiral eyes. You know, it's how you get girls to like you.
One second.
What's up, girl?
What's up?
See you on the dance floor.
Can't wait.
See?
I-I've never seen that before in my life.
Your-your eyes turn into these spinning...
Spinning hypnotic spirals. Right. Spiral eyes.
Well, how did you learn to do that?
Well, the same way everybody learns.
The day I hit puberty, a wizard appeared and taught me.
Did that not happen to you?
No. Are you sure?
A tall guy, pointy hat, he had a long white beard?
I know what a wizard looks like.
I'm saying I've never met one.
Hold on. Wait a minute. Stop.
If you can't do spiral eyes, how do you hit on girls?
I-I don't know. I just walk up to them and say random stuff.
About what? The room we're in.
Or, uh, current events.
Like if there's something going on in the news.
Or if there's a song playing, I'll reference the song.
Stuff like that.
So, you can't do spiral eyes?
No. That's unbelievable, man!
I got to see what it's like to be you.
Yeah? Just two seconds, yeah.
(clears his throat) Cool bar, right? What?
Uh, it's pretty crazy what's happening in the news, huh?
I've got to go.
Of course you do.
(laughing): Who could blame you?
That's your life? Yeah.
That was, like, oh, my asshole and my throat touched
in the center of my body.
No wonder you were scared to come in here, man. Ooh. Yeah.
I'm really sorry, but... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just...
Teach me how to do, uh, spiral eyes.
Dude, I'm no wizard.
I'm just an ordinary guy.
Who wants some of this?
Yeah, touch it. Touch it. Touch it, yeah.
My life is amazing!
(Mike laughs)
No condoms tonight. Mm, mm.
(sputters, sighs)
(toilet flushing)
(imitates gunshot)
(zippering)
(man humming)
(lever clicking)
(man laughs)
Having a good night.
It's like a vagina party out there.
Supply and demand,
but there's too much demand sometimes,
and, you know, not enough of these, I guess.
Oh. (laughs)
He had a good night. Ooh.
It smells like curry.
One size fits all.
Hopefully, it'll fit.
Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dude, where you going, man?
I'm going home. Come on.
You can't quit, Josh.
There's still plenty of girls left.
That's not gonna happen, man.
I'm-I'm tired, and I'm broke,
and it's very late. I'm-I'm done.
Let me buy you drink.
I don't want another drink, man!
Whoa.
You, do a shot with me.
Yeah. Go. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay.
(sighs)
Yeah.
(laughs)
Okay. Hey.
(woman laughs) Attaboy!
Get it in where you fit it in, dawg.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Come on. No, no, no.
♪ ♪
(sniffing)
(mumbles) All right, okay.
(sniffing)
(groaning)
(slow-motion growling)
All right... Ooh.
Ooh. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Okay. Get down. Oh, okay.
(groans)
Now it's like Basic Instinct.
Take it off. Okay. Yeah.
All right. Now, just take it...
Yeah. (both moaning)
(moaning and groaning) Okay.
(panting) Oh, give it to me. Okay. Here we go.
God. Just keep it going.
Just take it off. I'll take off my shirt,
and you take off yours. Okay.
Okay. I want it. There we go. Josh, Josh, Josh.
Shh. Okay. Aah. Go.
You get on top. Oh, okay.
Get on top. Yeah.
Okay. Okay. Come on.
Oh. Yeah.
Josh! This is for Josh. Uh.
Oh, give it to me. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I want it. Come on.
(sighs)
I want you to give it... Oh, my God. Yes.
Give it to me. Give it to me. Oh, yeah, give, give. Oh.
Uh, uh... Come on.
Yeah, just let me... Can I just go
to the bathroom real quick? Just two secs. Yeah.
Yeah. Just hurry. Go.
Hurry. Hurry.
Okay.
Shit!
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!
Shit! Think, think, think, think, think.
(touch tones sounding)
(phone ringing) Hello.
Yeah. Hi there. Hi.
You just dropped me off a few seconds ago.
You are the drunk boy.
I-I am the drunk boy. Listen, this is
kind of embarrassing, but I lost my dick,
so, can you just take a look
and see if it's there?
I don't see it.
Wait. Uh, may-maybe it rolled onto the floor.
I see no dicks, my friend.
Okay, all right. Uh, thank you.
(moaning) Hurry!
Uh, just one-one second!
(phone ringing) What up? What up?
I'll check the... I'll check the lost and found.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a couple dicks in here.
Oh, great!
Is it pierced? No.
Does it have prongs? What?
Oh, never mind. That's a cell phone charger.
It's not here.
Shit! WOMAN: Hey!
Jared! Come on!
Just one, uh, second!
(touch tones sounding)
Uh, no,
nobody turned in any dicks. Sorry, buddy.
Okay, uh, can-can you check the men's room,
because I know I had it with me at the urinal?
You're killing me, dude. Hold on.
Thank you. (door opens over phone)
All right, I'm in the men's room by the urinals here.
Can't... Whoa!
(thudding, gagging, retching)
(plopping) BARTENDER: Uh...
What happened?
Uh, I-I slipped on your dick.
Then it flew in the air.
I landed on my back, and I guess my mouth was open,
'cause it fell right in my mouth.
And then, I spat it out and, well,
long story short, it's in the toilet.
It's in the...? Oh, man.
Can you please fish it out for me?
Well, I would, but the thing is, last guy in here
wasn't exactly an expert in the fine art of flushing.
Oh, my God. This is... this...
Okay, well, I... I really, really need it,
like, right now, man.
All right, fine, I'll grab it. Hold...
(bartender yelling, dog snarling and barking)
Let go. Let go. Let go. Give me the... give me that thing!
Is that a dog?
Stop it! Out of the mouth!
(bartender groans)
What was all that? (dog whimpering)
Uh, don't worry about it.
Hey, come on!
Oh, yeah, just a... just a minute!
All right, man, your dick will be
in the cash register for you tomorrow.
No, no, no, no, man, I need it right now.
I'm-I'm with a girl, and she wants to have sex with me!
Well, you know,
sex doesn't necessarily have to involve a penis.
Oh, my God.
There are many ways for you to be erotic with your partner.
For instance, a-a long, intimate conversation-- sometimes
that can be more sensual than any penetrative act.
Oh, this is the worst night ever.
Hey, buddy, how do you think I feel?
I just wrestled a pit bull for a shit-covered dick.
I think a thank you might be in order.
No, you-you make a fair point.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
All right. Well, you're welcome.
Have a great night. Good luck.
Oh, my God.
Oh, finally.
Um, Krystal, I-I'm sorry.
I don't think I can.
Oh, yes, you can.
I can't. I'm sorry. Uh, no. Oh, yeah?
I can't. Uh, so... Yeah.
I-I'm... This has never...
This doesn't usually happen to me. Uh...
Uh-huh.
Do you want to have, like, a long, intimate conversation?
What?
Yeah, yeah. Fair enough.
I hate me, too. Geez.
(phone buzzing)
Hey, Josh, are you lost?
I'm-I'm on the south side of the park.
I'm just gonna be, uh, running loops.
All right. I'm so proud of you!
MIKE: Dude! What?
What are you doing here? Oh, man, I got so drunk,
I forgot my credit card at the bar.
Oh, yeah, uh, that's-that's also what I forgot.
Man, last night was sick!
Me and this banging little skank tore
through a ten-pack of condoms.
Yeah. Oh. Filled her up with my milk.
Milkman's coming. Hello. Yeah.
(laughs) Got, like, six gallons of milk for you.
Yeah, I get it, yeah.
I love this milk analogy, dude. Yeah.
How'd it go with that drunk chick?
Yeah, very similar.
Lots of, uh, milk, and, uh, it was a very positive experience.
(laughs) Yeah.
Ooh, we crushed it, dawg. Oh, yeah.
What did I tell you, boy. Uh! (groans)
Hey, here are your dicks.
Thank-thank you.
(groans)
You want to, uh...
you want to get a bacon-egg-and-cheese, or...?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh...
I think we've got each other's. Yup. Yup, that's exactly... Yup.
♪ I know you've tried ♪
♪ I know you've cried ♪
♪ I know you've died ♪
♪ A little inside ♪
♪ But, baby, you could famous ♪
♪ You could see your marble face all around ♪
♪ Baby, you could be famous if you could just get out... ♪
♪ ♪
Oh...
(exhales loudly)
WOMAN'S VOICE: Josh.
(moaning on computer)
Josh, come on. Yeah, I know.
We need to talk.
Of course, what... What? What's up?
I don't want to do this anymore. What...
What? What-What do you mean?
This just isn't working for me.
It's the same thing every time.
The laptop, the Lubriderm. I'm bored.
Aren't you bored?
No, I'm not bored.
This is fun. I think-I think...
I like what we have.
I think it's fun. Remember eighth grade?
Back then, things were so passionate, they were exciting.
God, I'll never forget the day we found that Delia's catalogue.
Or-Or that time on the bus on the
Washington, D.C. trip. Oh, yeah. Yeah, D.C. was crazy.
But lately, it's gotten so mechanical.
I want more than this.
I want to play guitar. I want to work a loom.
Learn sign language. And you'll do all those things, but can we just
pick this up in, like, three and a half to four minutes time?
Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.
It's like we're just going through the motions.
I'm sick of it. I-I want to see what's out there.
I mean, I've only been with one other guy.
What? When?
At camp. You were asleep. Was it that
creepy kid with the dead eye, Tobias? It wasn't
Tobias.
Then who was it?
The point is I just, I can't take this anymore.
I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.
Whoa. Oh, my...
Oh... Wait, okay. d-don't go. Please, we can...
we can try new things, we can spice it up.
Different-Different Web sites.
I... Different grips.
Good-bye, Josh.
Good-bye, hand.
MAN'S VOICE: Don't you even think about it!
Thank you for joining me for dinner.
Of course. That was fun.
(phone buzzing) Who is texting you so late?
Oh, Mike. Wow. Let's see.
"Better get hard, son. I'm getting you laid tonight."
Huh. Ew.
Yeah, ew. You don't need
that guy to help you get a girlfriend.
You know that, right?
Mm. Like, you're gonna find
someone super wonderful,
it's just a matter of time.
Thank you. Thank you, Liz. I appreciate that.
You know, and in the meantime, you can just... focus on you.
Mm-hmm. The path to love--
self-love.
Oh. Uh, yeah. You know? Just
maybe taking a yoga class.
Eh... Or
just go over to the gym.
Yeah, I guess I could. Meditate.
Meditate five minutes a day. Just... Yeah, okay.
Yup. These are just
tiny little seeds
(phone buzzing) that we're planting here, and it's
maybe not gonna take a day.
Maybe not gonna take a week. A couple months.
(phone buzzing) Little tiny plant growing.
"Oh, look at this plant." That's you.
Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.
She's gonna be like...
"I want that.
"I want this...
in my face."
Huh. And you're gonna be like,
(buzzing) "Damn. So glad I watered myself."
Whoa, whoa-- why don't you
go running with me tomorrow?
You could be my running partner. Yeah, um...
(buzzing) You know, it's really good
for your endorphins and
cardiovascular system and... Yeah.
Do you want to?
Yeah. Yup, yup. Yeah. Yeah? Is 7:00 a.m.
too early? No, 7:00 a.m.'s not early enough.
But, uh, in that case, I should hit the sack...
Yeah, totally. ...of hay.
New and improved Josh. Bright and early.
Right, no, that's perfect-- 7:00 a.m. See you tomorrow morning.
See you tomorrow morning. I'm excited. For you.
Oh, good. All right, cool. Okay. I love you.
Yeah, I love you. Yeah, good night. Bye. Good dinner.
Yes! Bye, bye, bye.
Wow, thank you. Thank you
so much. Well, this is great. Oh, yeah.
Uh, so what are-what are their names?
Whose names? The, uh...
slobbering girls. Oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean specific girls,
I just meant whoever's at the bar.
Oh, you don't act... Oh.
Oh. Come on, let's go.
Yeah, I-I don't know, man. Bars aren't really my thing.
Josh, the only way you're gonna
69 with some flat-chested skanks
is if you go to the bar and talk to them.
Yeah, I know.
You're not scared, are you? I... No.
You know how much I love...
wooing women. Great.
It's on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just pregame first.
Christ.
It's already pretty late. We'll just
pound these beers real quick and then we'll go, okay?
Five minutes.
All right, five minutes.
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ You-You stay behind ♪
♪ Too much money ♪
♪ Not-Not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ You stay behind ♪
Oh, that's a terrible way to drink beer.
Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.
♪ Make-Make-Make-Make, Make 'em drop. ♪
They call them matches because they match. Look at a...
Open up a matchbook, they all look the... What? That's ridic...
they all look the same. Oh, it is on.
(muffled dance music playing)
Uh, da, da, uh, we need to eat something, I think.
What? Yeah, we-we need fuel for dancing and flirting.
Dude, it's getting late. Let's just
pound some Mexican food. Five minutes.
All right, fine. Five minutes. Okay, come on,
come on, this way.
♪ Too much money, Not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you'll stay behind ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
(distorted slurp) (distorted): Mmm.
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind ♪
♪ Make-Make-Make-Make, Make 'em drop ♪
♪ My name Deezy, also known for making bras pop ♪
♪ I'll put that charm up in that slot and hit the jackpot ♪ (both): Mmm!
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you-you stay behind ♪
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪ Yeah!
♪ Get-Get up off my grind, you stay behind ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
♪ You stay behind. ♪
Dude, we drank, we ate, it is on.
(indistinct chatter)
Um... You... Wait, wait, let's just, uh,
pound a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle first.
Dude, it's getting...
♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪
♪ Get-Get up on my grind, you-you stay behind ♪
(music distorts, stops)
♪ Behind ♪
♪ You stay behind ♪
♪ You stay b... you stay behind ♪
(beeping)
(classical music playing, applause)
(muffled club music playing)
It is on.
(indistinct chatter)
(echoing laughter)
Wait. Uh, okay.
Let's just pound this postmodern epic. Five minutes.
No. No.
You know what?
I'm starting to think that you don't want to go in there.
Why would you say that? I think you've just been stalling
because you're afraid to hit on girls.
Well, it's never gonna happen, is it, man?
These... Girls like this don't get with guys like me.
Dude, she just totally checked you out.
Holy Moses. Yeah, okay, let's-let's get in there.
Uh, let me just tie my shoes. No, there's no time.
It is on.
Ooh, it's on.
Oh, shit.
That was Mike and Josh. ♪ You stay behind. ♪
Oh, man, it's super late already.
Don't worry. Still plenty of time to score.
Ooh, two clusters,
divide and conquer.
JOSH: Uh, yeah? You don't
want to stick together? Uh... Okay, and you're gone.
(whoops) This is the best night of my life!
Divide and conquer.
Hey. Hey.
Hi. Uh... Hi.
What's good... What's the spot...
Should I be in the center?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.
Hey. How's it going? Hey.
Where should I be? Okay. Ow!
Hi. Hi. Hey.
Hi, hey.
Hi. Hi. Hey.
Hey, hi.
Mmm, mmm. (grunting)
That is just disgusting.
Land ho!
Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.
Uh, can I get you something to drink or...
Sure. Maybe a cosmo? That's a terrific idea.
Uh, barkeep? That'll be, uh, two cosmos. All right,
that's 38 bucks. It's $38?
So, one-one cosmo.
And...
a glass of water.
All right. Thank you.
So, uh, what's your name?
Sara. Sara.
That is an oldie but a goodie.
Very, very Biblical.
So, oldie but a goodie Sara, what...
Thank... Thank you.
Oh, this is so easy. Mmm.
(all laughing) (Mike whoops)
(laughs) Two shots, please.
Dude, this place is sick.
There's this girl, Sara-- she is all over me.
Are you...
How-how is it so easy for you to talk to these girls?
Like, what's your secret? Dude, there's no secret.
All you got to do is find a girl, walk up to her,
say "hi," do spiral eyes, ask her her name,
maybe buy her a drink, and then... Wait, wait, wait. Go back.
What-what did you just say?
Buy her a drink. No, before that.
Say "hi"? No, the other...
Uh, spiral something. Something with spiral?
Spiral eyes. You know, it's how you get girls to like you.
One second.
What's up, girl?
What's up?
See you on the dance floor.
Can't wait.
See?
I-I've never seen that before in my life.
Your-your eyes turn into these spinning...
Spinning hypnotic spirals. Right. Spiral eyes.
Well, how did you learn to do that?
Well, the same way everybody learns.
The day I hit puberty, a wizard appeared and taught me.
Did that not happen to you?
No. Are you sure?
A tall guy, pointy hat, he had a long white beard?
I know what a wizard looks like.
I'm saying I've never met one.
Hold on. Wait a minute. Stop.
If you can't do spiral eyes, how do you hit on girls?
I-I don't know. I just walk up to them and say random stuff.
About what? The room we're in.
Or, uh, current events.
Like if there's something going on in the news.
Or if there's a song playing, I'll reference the song.
Stuff like that.
So, you can't do spiral eyes?
No. That's unbelievable, man!
I got to see what it's like to be you.
Yeah? Just two seconds, yeah.
(clears his throat) Cool bar, right? What?
Uh, it's pretty crazy what's happening in the news, huh?
I've got to go.
Of course you do.
(laughing): Who could blame you?
That's your life? Yeah.
That was, like, oh, my asshole and my throat touched
in the center of my body.
No wonder you were scared to come in here, man. Ooh. Yeah.
I'm really sorry, but... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just...
Teach me how to do, uh, spiral eyes.
Dude, I'm no wizard.
I'm just an ordinary guy.
Who wants some of this?
Yeah, touch it. Touch it. Touch it, yeah.
My life is amazing!
(Mike laughs)
No condoms tonight. Mm, mm.
(sputters, sighs)
(toilet flushing)
(imitates gunshot)
(zippering)
(man humming)
(lever clicking)
(man laughs)
Having a good night.
It's like a vagina party out there.
Supply and demand,
but there's too much demand sometimes,
and, you know, not enough of these, I guess.
Oh. (laughs)
He had a good night. Ooh.
It smells like curry.
One size fits all.
Hopefully, it'll fit.
Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dude, where you going, man?
I'm going home. Come on.
You can't quit, Josh.
There's still plenty of girls left.
That's not gonna happen, man.
I'm-I'm tired, and I'm broke,
and it's very late. I'm-I'm done.
Let me buy you drink.
I don't want another drink, man!
Whoa.
You, do a shot with me.
Yeah. Go. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay.
(sighs)
Yeah.
(laughs)
Okay. Hey.
(woman laughs) Attaboy!
Get it in where you fit it in, dawg.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Come on. No, no, no.
♪ ♪
(sniffing)
(mumbles) All right, okay.
(sniffing)
(groaning)
(slow-motion growling)
All right... Ooh.
Ooh. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Okay. Get down. Oh, okay.
(groans)
Now it's like Basic Instinct.
Take it off. Okay. Yeah.
All right. Now, just take it...
Yeah. (both moaning)
(moaning and groaning) Okay.
(panting) Oh, give it to me. Okay. Here we go.
God. Just keep it going.
Just take it off. I'll take off my shirt,
and you take off yours. Okay.
Okay. I want it. There we go. Josh, Josh, Josh.
Shh. Okay. Aah. Go.
You get on top. Oh, okay.
Get on top. Yeah.
Okay. Okay. Come on.
Oh. Yeah.
Josh! This is for Josh. Uh.
Oh, give it to me. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I want it. Come on.
(sighs)
I want you to give it... Oh, my God. Yes.
Give it to me. Give it to me. Oh, yeah, give, give. Oh.
Uh, uh... Come on.
Yeah, just let me... Can I just go
to the bathroom real quick? Just two secs. Yeah.
Yeah. Just hurry. Go.
Hurry. Hurry.
Okay.
Shit!
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!
Shit! Think, think, think, think, think.
(touch tones sounding)
(phone ringing) Hello.
Yeah. Hi there. Hi.
You just dropped me off a few seconds ago.
You are the drunk boy.
I-I am the drunk boy. Listen, this is
kind of embarrassing, but I lost my dick,
so, can you just take a look
and see if it's there?
I don't see it.
Wait. Uh, may-maybe it rolled onto the floor.
I see no dicks, my friend.
Okay, all right. Uh, thank you.
(moaning) Hurry!
Uh, just one-one second!
(phone ringing) What up? What up?
I'll check the... I'll check the lost and found.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a couple dicks in here.
Oh, great!
Is it pierced? No.
Does it have prongs? What?
Oh, never mind. That's a cell phone charger.
It's not here.
Shit! WOMAN: Hey!
Jared! Come on!
Just one, uh, second!
(touch tones sounding)
Uh, no,
nobody turned in any dicks. Sorry, buddy.
Okay, uh, can-can you check the men's room,
because I know I had it with me at the urinal?
You're killing me, dude. Hold on.
Thank you. (door opens over phone)
All right, I'm in the men's room by the urinals here.
Can't... Whoa!
(thudding, gagging, retching)
(plopping) BARTENDER: Uh...
What happened?
Uh, I-I slipped on your dick.
Then it flew in the air.
I landed on my back, and I guess my mouth was open,
'cause it fell right in my mouth.
And then, I spat it out and, well,
long story short, it's in the toilet.
It's in the...? Oh, man.
Can you please fish it out for me?
Well, I would, but the thing is, last guy in here
wasn't exactly an expert in the fine art of flushing.
Oh, my God. This is... this...
Okay, well, I... I really, really need it,
like, right now, man.
All right, fine, I'll grab it. Hold...
(bartender yelling, dog snarling and barking)
Let go. Let go. Let go. Give me the... give me that thing!
Is that a dog?
Stop it! Out of the mouth!
(bartender groans)
What was all that? (dog whimpering)
Uh, don't worry about it.
Hey, come on!
Oh, yeah, just a... just a minute!
All right, man, your dick will be
in the cash register for you tomorrow.
No, no, no, no, man, I need it right now.
I'm-I'm with a girl, and she wants to have sex with me!
Well, you know,
sex doesn't necessarily have to involve a penis.
Oh, my God.
There are many ways for you to be erotic with your partner.
For instance, a-a long, intimate conversation-- sometimes
that can be more sensual than any penetrative act.
Oh, this is the worst night ever.
Hey, buddy, how do you think I feel?
I just wrestled a pit bull for a shit-covered dick.
I think a thank you might be in order.
No, you-you make a fair point.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
All right. Well, you're welcome.
Have a great night. Good luck.
Oh, my God.
Oh, finally.
Um, Krystal, I-I'm sorry.
I don't think I can.
Oh, yes, you can.
I can't. I'm sorry. Uh, no. Oh, yeah?
I can't. Uh, so... Yeah.
I-I'm... This has never...
This doesn't usually happen to me. Uh...
Uh-huh.
Do you want to have, like, a long, intimate conversation?
What?
Yeah, yeah. Fair enough.
I hate me, too. Geez.
(phone buzzing)
Hey, Josh, are you lost?
I'm-I'm on the south side of the park.
I'm just gonna be, uh, running loops.
All right. I'm so proud of you!
MIKE: Dude! What?
What are you doing here? Oh, man, I got so drunk,
I forgot my credit card at the bar.
Oh, yeah, uh, that's-that's also what I forgot.
Man, last night was sick!
Me and this banging little skank tore
through a ten-pack of condoms.
Yeah. Oh. Filled her up with my milk.
Milkman's coming. Hello. Yeah.
(laughs) Got, like, six gallons of milk for you.
Yeah, I get it, yeah.
I love this milk analogy, dude. Yeah.
How'd it go with that drunk chick?
Yeah, very similar.
Lots of, uh, milk, and, uh, it was a very positive experience.
(laughs) Yeah.
Ooh, we crushed it, dawg. Oh, yeah.
What did I tell you, boy. Uh! (groans)
Hey, here are your dicks.
Thank-thank you.
(groans)
You want to, uh...
you want to get a bacon-egg-and-cheese, or...?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh...
I think we've got each other's. Yup. Yup, that's exactly... Yup.
♪ I know you've tried ♪
♪ I know you've cried ♪
♪ I know you've died ♪
♪ A little inside ♪
♪ But, baby, you could famous ♪
♪ You could see your marble face all around ♪
♪ Baby, you could be famous if you could just get out... ♪