Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Traib - full transcript

(exhales)
Oh, my God.
(intercom buzzes)
God, I cannot believe
you got a girl's number on the train!
Well, I didn't... you know, I... it wasn't a pick-up,
I just got her business card.
Oh, my God, read it to me.
JOSH: "Laura Ferber, Marketing Liaison."
God, I knew she was black!
No, it... she's not black.
Oh... well, whatever.
Either way, I'm proud of you, buddy.
The coolest part is that
she seems so nice.
Awesome.
Like, I looked at her eyes
and I was like, these are nice, like... Yeah.
You know, sometimes... You want to jizz all in 'em or something.
No, no.
There's nothing semen about this.
Oh, okay. I feel like,
for the first time since we broke up,
I'm actually over Maggie.
SPECTRAL VOICE: Maggie...
You hear that?
SPECTRAL VOICE: Maggie...
Nah. It sounds like your walls
are whispering, "Maggie."
That's-that's, uh, the old pipes.
The-the old pipes. Ah. Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Anyway, you were, uh, saying?
About being totally over Maggie?
Wait, who's Maggie? That kind of thing.
Like, it's just like it's off my shoulders.
And right now, Josh is in a good place.
Hey, is that a framed photo
of you and Maggie spookily coming to life?
That's a floating, uh, framed photo of
two-two... come here...
...two other... two other people that were in love.
What about that pink razor
crawling across the rug?
That Maggie-related?
No. No, that's...
You okay, man?
You're not dealing with Maggie, or...
(razor squeals)
Nope. Not at all. Okay, Josh,
if you're really over Maggie, why do you still have her stuff?
I don't... what stuff?
Just a cute framed picture
and a little pink razor blade?
I don't have anything else. (booming sound)
(squeaks)
(squeaking)
(wind howling)
Father, thank God you're here.
Dov'è? Follow me.
Dio mio.
Mike, you really didn't have to hire an exorcist, man.
Everything's fine.
Aah!
Maybelline.
Maybe she's born with it. (laughs)
Ugh.
(speaking Italian) JOSH: What?
What's he saying?
Uh, he says you're being haunted
by your ex-girlfriend.
Haunted? Maggie's still alive.
(speaking Italian)
That doesn't matter.
She will continue to haunt you
as long as you still still love her.
I don't still love her. I am totally over her.
Aah!
(speaking Italian)
Yeah, then why do you still have her stuff?
(exorcist speaks Italian)
What's that about? Seems weird.
Or, like, um...
what, "pathetic"?
Aah! MIKE: Or "desperate..."
Uh, "unable to move on..."
Something... yeah, something like that.
Just lame. Just lame.
Everything here is under control.
(bra squeaking)
(shouts in Italian)
(grunts)
(chants in Italian)
Whoa! No, no, no!
(squeals)
Oh, that was my favorite one. Aah!
I picked it out of the catalog.
It was so cool.
(speaking Italian)
MIKE: You must get rid of all of
Maggie's stuff, or else you will never move on.
Hey, come on...
Okay. Okay, okay. I'm in.
Good idea.
That was the last of it.
(chanting in Latin)
(hissing)
(continues chanting)
(deep growling fades away)
Guess, uh... guess that's that.
Uh, Father, thank you.
Grazie... or, um...
(whispering): Do... do I... do I tip him?
Nah. Nah. Nah?
Are we paying him at all?
Nah. No.
We'll just go to church or something.
(whispering): I... I'm Jewish.
(banging sound)
(rattling)
I thought you said that was everything.
It's, uh, almost everything.
(all scream)
MIKE: What is that thing?
Maggie won it for me at a, uh, fair.
We called it Mr. Heart, 'cause he's a little heart.
Oh, my God. Mama mia!
Ha! Ha! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, please, please, please.
Just let me keep this one thing.
He's cute, he's fuzzy.
Look, he speaks!
(distorted): I love you.
(speaking Italian)
Gotta destroy it. Now.
But it seems a tad wasteful.
I mean, C-Craigslist.
(speaking Italian) Craigslist?
It's a piece of garbage. Nobody wants it, Josh!
Actually, you know who might want it?
Maggie might want it. Let me just call her.
No! No, no, no! Just get rid of it, man!
Get rid of it! No.
Good-bye, Mr. Heart.
I love you.
(distorted): I love you. And now you're going to...
(demonic voice): ...suck my dick!
Suck it! (screams)
Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! (Josh gagging)
Suck him off, man! Finish him off!
Somehow he has a penis now!
Work the shaft, Josh.
Come on. Now you get it. Oh, yeah.
(Mike screams)
(rising scream)
Get it off!
(growls)
Aah!
Do it! (screaming)
Suck that dick...
(mumbling)
(exorcist chants in Latin)
Oh, God. Mr. Heart...
Oh, that stinks.
I'm just happy it's over.
EXORCIST: No! Huh?
(speaking Italian)
He says there is
a final task you must complete before you're free of Maggie.
Do I have to pray? Or is penance...
Whatever... You must sex... new woman.
Okay, well, I just got a number from Laura...
Number? (spits)
You must do sex.
Huh? Capisce?
Yes. Understand?
I-I will... I will have...
He doesn't understand.
Balls deep, eh?
Oh, my God...
"P"... Yeah?
...in "V." Huh? Oh...
JOSH: Okay.
Empty balls. Oh, my God.
Sex! Sex! Yeah, okay.
Mmm. That's... I will try.
Try what? Huh? Oh, my God.
Huh? I-I will try to...
Say what is you try! Oh, my God!
EXORCIST: Say what is you try!
I will try to... Huh?
...empty my balls. Yes?
Fire my "P"... Yes?
...into... into a "V."
Ah!
JOSH: Okay, okay.
Amen.
A-Amen. Hey, you're having sex.
Okay, I think I got it. Can I read it to you? Uh-huh.
"Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.
"Great meeting you.
Want to get dinner Friday?"
Oh, that sucks. What's wrong with it?
(squeaky voice): "Great meeting you. I'm Josh from the train.
You want to get dinner Friday?"
Okay, I know what I sound like.
So what... what should I write, then?
Uh, "Come over.
Come and get this." Something like that.
I can't say that. That seems a bit aggressive.
It's not aggressive enough, man.
How 'bout this, dude?
Send her a picture of your penis.
Ooh, shh. Yeah. Caption:
"Guess who."
(whoops)
I can't...
I-I think I need another opinion.
Josh, are you okay?
I want to text Laura, but I-I don't know what to say.
You said it was an emergency. Well, it is.
I really like this girl, I don't want to blow it.
Oh, my God. Wait, wait! Listen, listen to this.
Uh, uh, "Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.
Great meeting you. Come get this."
That's pretty good, right?
Cancel my 2:00.
I have a family emergency.
I got it.
Okay. "Laura."
Period. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"It's your stranger from the train. (gasps)
Film reference. Nice.
LIZ: "Would you do me the honor
of joining me for dinner this Friday's Eve?"
I like it. That's pretty good, yeah.
"This Friday's Eve"? Yeah.
It's clever, it's quirky...
That sucks. I've been in
a long-distance relationship for three years.
That's why you don't know anything.
I have sex with women.
I know how to talk to women. Do you?
Or do you just say, "Uh, uh,
put your butt on my face."
Yeah, I say, "Put my butt on your face."
Type that, 'cause that's better than "this Friday's Eve."
Thank you. Um...
I think I need another opinion.
To me, the course of action is clear.
The text, above all, ought to be cute.
I would deploy
an emoji.
Perhaps a crying
wah-wah face or a winky kitten.
I... I... a well-placed kitten, actually, could...
Sir? If I may...
Our research indicates
that women enjoy texts
in which you reference something
that you talked about before.
We... we have no idea why.
JOSH: Okay, well, let's-let's run with that, then.
What are... what are some things I said to Laura on the train?
SCIENTIST: Okay...You talked about the weather...
the fact that it was a weekend...
Um...
the fact that you were on a train...
(laughing): Wait.
I've got it.
"Choo-choo!
"It's Josh from the train.
Next stop, dinner!"
(laughs) Right?
That's really cute.
It's really good.
It's good. JOSH: Yes.
It's one... Yeah, okay, it's just...
We have a lot of ideas.
That's a classy problem to have.
Tell you what. I'm gonna start it off.
(clears throat loudly)
"Hey, it's Josh."
GENERAL: See? Already, you've failed.
You've got a comma after your "hey"
and a period after "Josh."
What's next, semicolons and footnotes?
Okay, fine, no... no punctuation.
No, I... If you look at the data,
you will see that women are going nuts
for punctuation. That is true.
Exclamation points, in particular.
I would... I would suggest 50.
Fifty?
So now we're screaming at her? Time is critical right now.
If you would just listen! We only have one chance to do this right.
I'll just masturbate. (talking over each other)
I'll just masturbate.
MIKE: Look at us!
Panicking like a bunch of frightened children.
What happened to us?
What happened to America?
("Battle Hymn of the Republic" begins)
There was a farmer from Virginia.
He had a funny little idea
about starting a country based on freedom.
You might have heard of him.
His name was George Washington.
Josh...
send Laura a dick pic.
I'm sorry, did you just say "dick pic"?
Through the boxers, fully erect,
with a quarter in the frame to show its size.
Look.
We can send a normal text
that's smart and funny
and references a thing from before.
And we could get that dinner on Friday.
But where would that lead to?
Another text?
Another dinner?
Text, dinner, text, dinner!
The goal isn't
texts and dinners!
It's sex!
We want sex!
And if that's not something she wants,
well, then, we need to know right now!
Yeah!
Perhaps it's fate
that today is the Fourth of July.
It's November 12.
Today let's not be coy.
Let's not be smart or funny or quirky.
Let's pull down our pants,
take out our dick,
jerk off a little bit to make it hard,
and send her a picture of it with the caption--
"Guess who."
Yes!
ALL (chanting): Dick pic!
Dick pic! Dick pic! Dick pic!
Yeah, uh, I don't, I don't, I don't really want
to send her a picture of my dick.
Yeah, it's a really bad idea.
It's a terrible, terrible idea. All right.
Oh, my God, thank God.
Oh, it's just all wrong.
Doesn't add up.
Think, Josh, think.
I got it.
LIZ: What's he doing?
Josh, be careful.
LIZ: It's in all caps.
"Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.
"Great meeting you.
Want to get dinner Friday?"
LIZ: No jokes. No references.
Well, it's just a normal thing, like someone would say.
Will it work?
There's only one way to find out.
Here it goes.
Oh, God.
"Hi, Laura,
it's Josh from the train."
(gasping, siren blaring)
GENERAL: "Josh from the traib"? What the hell's a traib?!
She's gonna think we're crazy.
JOSH: Oh, my God. Okay, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.
"It's Josh...
from the train."
(relieved sighing, siren stops)
(groans)
JOSH: "Great meeting you."
Uh... LIZ: You got it.
"Want to get dinner
this Friday?"
Here goes nothing.
May God forgive us. JOSH: Sending.
LIZ: Oh, it's so slow.
MIKE: Come on. What service do you have?
JOSH: Send, damn you. Send, damn you.
Come on!
Oh. Come on!
Okay, it went through.
The text went through.
It's been almost 15 seconds since Josh texted Laura,
and still no response.
By this point, Laura must have seen the text,
even if she was in the bathroom or something,
and yet the silence continues.
What does it all mean?
Was the text too forward?
Not forward enough?
Did she hate the text?
There's just no way to know.
(grumbling)
Maybe she doesn't want to seem too overeager.
Maybe she's in the shower.
She's not in the goddamn shower.
She hated the text-- she's never gonna respond.
Hey, relax, my man.
We have to save face.
We have to pretend we were just kidding.
Text "JK."
LIZ: Hey, get him out of here! Text "JK"!
Get him out of here.
Oh, my God.
(screaming)
Text "JK."
Text "JK"!
MAN: Sir?
It's been over a minute.
It's not looking good. Thank you, Wallace.
You're just doing your job.
Yes, sir.
(sighs): Okay, um...
Let's pack it up, people.
You sent one hell of a text.
Thank you. We-we all, we all sent
one hell of a text.
Look!
Th-The things, th-the little bubbly things!
She's writing back, she's responding.
(cheering)
I'm going out with Laura.
♪ Let me take a trip between your thighs ♪
♪ Tonight's the night ♪
♪ Bend over nice and slow, girl ♪
♪ Don't be shy ♪
♪ I'mma do you right ♪
♪ Girl, let me take a trip ♪
♪ Between your thighs ♪
♪ It's about time, baby ♪
♪ Take a look real deep into my eyes ♪
♪ I'll change your life. ♪
Just wanted to make sure he had his order.
Oh, okay.
Well, we did it.
We did it.
We're here.
Yep.
Uh, you know, it's pretty, uh, crazy
that we, uh, met on the train.
Yeah, y-y-yeah.
It's so... it's so crazy.
Yeah. Um...
But, you know, not, like, crazy bad.
No. No, it-it's definitely good crazy.
It's definitely... Oh, y-y-yeah.
Like something from a romantic comedy.
Yes, like, uh, um...
(snapping fingers)
When Harry Met Sally.
Yes, th-that's a romantic comedy.
Yeah.
Um... Sleepless in Seattle.
Also a romantic comedy. Yeah.
Y-Y-Y-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Must Love Dogs.
What?
Uh... uh...
It's a romantic comedy.
Oh, I'll have to see that one.
Yeah, oh, y-you definitely do.
Hmm.
J-Jerry Maguire.
What?
J-Jerry Maguire.
Is it, is it...
H-How is it?
It's really sweet.
Do you want, do you want to get, uh, something else?
No, it's fine, it's, um...
It's also there were...
It also has...
is good... and fine.
I feel bad, do you want...? No, n-n-no.
I-I'll just... I can just watch you eat.
It's fine.
Got water. (chuckles)
Uh...
Oh, you first. No, no, you-you go first.
You go first.
No, you-you go first.
You.
Okay. (stammers)
I was just gonna ask you, a-are you having an okay time?
Yeah.
Are you gay?
What? Um...
(mouth full): No...
No.
Right.
Whenever you're ready.
BOTH: Thank you.
I-I got this.
Um, how about we split it?
Oh, n-n-n-no, please, I'm, uh, a gentleman.
I... allow me.
Let's split it.
LAURA: Okay, bye.
(thunder rumbling, string quartet music plays)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
O-Okay, guys, that's...
Y-You can stop.
Where is Laura?
When does she come?
Uh, sh-she doesn't come.
Uh, the date didn't really go very well.
(sighs) This is disappointment.
I have high hopes that this was going to happen.
Yeah, yeah.
I, uh, I kind of felt the same way.
(gasps) I know, we do concert for one.
(music begins)
Uh, that's very nice of you,
but, uh, I kind of think I just want to be alone right now.
So if you guys just want to pack it up, that's...
Oh, okay, I understand.
Thank you.
Eh. Love.
(chuckling)
It's a crazy thing.
One day you're up, and then you're down.
But you listen to me.
One day you will find a beautiful woman.
And she will be warm and giving.
And she will deserve... your love.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
I-I appreciate... I needed to hear that.
Okay.
And one more thing.
Yeah.
Can I use your bathroom?
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, right-right there.
Oh, thank you.
Eh...
Is a number two.
Uh... okay.
Jan, he makes a joke.
We have pierogi for dinner,
and he take pepper flake top off,
and he put too much.
Oh, my God. I did not see it.
And then, you know, eat, No, I...
like, four big bites. Oh, God.
And now feels like a big storm in my tummy
and is gonna explode.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's... that's good.
Is gonna be stinky.
Uh, okay. Is okay?
Yeah, yeah, I don't know what to do with that information.
I apprec... Well,
fair warning, right?
Yeah. Eh.
(thunder rumbling)
(door closes)
(sighs)
VIOLINIST: Uh, Joshua?
Yeah.
You have wet wipes?
Uh... oh, my God.
Uh, can you bring me a wet towel?
It shot out like cannon. Oh, for (bleep) sake.
I have more to come. Okay.
I jumped the gun.
No, no, come in here. Come...
No, I'm not... no. No, I can't reach it.
It's on the floor, man, I can't pick it up.
♪ Let me take a trip ♪
♪ Between your thighs ♪
♪ Tonight's the night ♪
♪ Bend over nice and slow, girl ♪
♪ Don't be shy ♪
♪ I'mma do you right ♪
♪ Girl, let me take a trip ♪
♪ Between your thighs ♪
♪ It's about time, baby ♪
♪ Take a look real deep into my eyes ♪
♪ I'll change your life. ♪