Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Lizard - full transcript
A naive romantic goes on a desperate quest for love when his longtime girlfriend dumps him.
Whew.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Yep.
Take that.
Okay, if you want
to visit Newton,
I know he'd be
happy to see you.
Yeah, okay.
We never finished
Carnivàle,
so if you want to finish
the last two episodes...
I don't. No.
You don't. Okay.
I don't.
So, we can be buddies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In time.
In time, yeah.
Uh, all right.
All right.
(door locks)
("Not in Love"
by Crystal Castles plays)
(thunder cracks)
♪ And we were lovers ♪
♪ Now we can't be friends ♪
♪ Fascination ends ♪
♪ Here we go again... ♪
(bird screeches)
(thunder rumbles)
(bird caws)
(bird screeches)
MAN:
No, no, no.
Fat, fat.
Ugly, fat.
No.
Yes.
Does that thing actually work?
Sex partner found.
Oh, my God.
Hey, where's Wolcott
and Cermak?
It's, like, eight blocks away.
(sighs) I can usually
get it within five.
Your place is remote, man.
Uh, I'm sorry?
You got to get
on this thing, bro.
I mean, it's just
weird to think
about being with anybody else--
we were together for six years.
I thought four.
I count
the two years
we kind of e-mailed each other
before we kissed.
There you go.
No, n-n-n-no.
He's on a very
specific diet.
There's tons of vitamins
in pizza, man.
He eats bugs and little fruit.
You should go to Torch tonight.
What?
Here, wear this.
What is this?
Robert Graham,
contrasting cuffs.
You will crush gash.
What an awful...
Every gash is
somebody's daughter.
Here, wear this.
That's not bad.
It's easy-- just go up
to them and be, like,
"Hey, what's
your deal?"
Wh-What does
that even mean?
Doesn't matter, dude.
You read The Game?
You got to give them
little trinkets,
you got to pinch them--
it works.
You got to wear
a Jamiroquai hat.
Well, to be
honest, I, uh...
I actually have my own
plans this evening.
Yeah. Yeah, my sister's setting
me up with her friend
from Sweden.
Holy shit!
Yeah, I'm pretty
psyched about it.
Liz says she's, uh,
confident, funny.
Congrats, what's
she look like?
I-I-I don't know.
You didn't ask to
see a picture?
I talked you up,
okay?
She's so well-read.
Oh, good.
This is, like,
a woman of substance.
Oh, good. That's-that's
what's most important.
You know, all Mike
wanted to know was,
(low voice): "What
does she look like?"
That guy is
disgusting.
He's so gross.
But this girl tonight,
what does she look like?
Oh, there she is.
What? Oh, no.
Wait, where?
She's right outside.
See? She's in
the Dumpster.
(snorting)
She's that thing across
the street in the garbage?
She's right there, see?
In the Dumpster.
Oh, my God.
Something wrong?
You said she
was from Sweden?
She was born
in the Scandinavian forest.
Right.
She moved here
last year
so she could run
her nonprofit.
And live underneath
the Wabash Bridge.
Does that mean
she's a troll?
I'm sorry,
is that a problem?
No, no, no.
Just, um, uh...
She's drinking
antifreeze.
Uh, okay, cool.
No, I just...
I'm saying...
Um... she might
not be my type.
Joshua, want to have a little
look-at-yourself moment?
No. No, this is...
Do you go to the gym?
Nope.
Do you have a job?
Yeah, I-I...
I'm a temp.
Okay, well, how does
that sound to a lady?
If she's a temp,
she'll like it.
She keeps barking
at strangers...
Josh,
this woman has brought
herself up from nothing.
Why are you crying?
I just really
like her, okay?
I think you guys would
be cool together.
I appreciate
this so much.
This is a mitzvah
you've done.
I just, uh...
Josh, there's,
like, so many guys
like Mike
running around.
You're such
a good guy.
I love you.
I love you.
I wouldn't have set you up
with Gorbachaka
if I didn't think
it was a good match.
Okay?
Thank you so much.
I noticed you were,
uh, rummaging around
in the, uh,
garbage, there.
I-I-In my temp job,
I actually have to deal
with garbage quite frequently.
End of the day, I go around
to everybody's desk
and take all the little
bags of garbage
and put them in one
big bag of garbage.
Pretty cool.
(sniffs)
Can't wait
for that bruschetta.
Flower for the lady?
Yeah, why not?
Twelve dollars.
Twelve dollars?!
Here you are.
Here's a flower
for you.
Mmm.
(spits)
(grunts lightly)
I know,
I know-- roses.
You ever seen,
uh, Carnivàle?
Huh?
This is, uh,
it's kind of nice.
Sort of sitting here,
getting to know each other.
My friend Mike...
he's just obsessed
with these, uh...
these dating apps.
This guy spends just hours
trolling the Internet...
(squeals)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
no, no, no.
I didn't mean it
like that.
I'm sorry.
Ow, ow!
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow...
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow!
(screams)
(growls)
No. No. No. No.
Mom, they're so adorable.
He's wearing the sweater.
No.
Please.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Is everything okay?
No, it's not.
Josh, you're not making
a great impression here.
Well, I don't care-- this
is clearly not gonna work.
Why not?
Because she's an
ugly slimy troll!
(gasping)
Oh.
Uh... I... uh, sorry.
I just got out
of a long-term relationship.
I-I don't know what I'm doing.
I... I'm sorry, Liz.
I'm not the one that
you should apologize to.
Yeah, fair enough.
I'm sorry, Gorbachaka.
(snarls)
(sighs)
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
(sighs)
MIKE:
Robert Graham,
contrasting cuffs.
(distorted, echoing):
You will crush gash...
(techno music plays)
(music slows)
Oh, yeah. Yep.
$20 cover.
20...
Hey, how are you?
Yeah, I'm just at this club,
it's really nice.
Hey.
(sniffs)
Uh, what's your deal?
Sorry. Excuse me?
Uh.. what... uh...
Uh, wh-what's your deal?
One second, there's
this weird guy.
He just asked me
what's my deal.
You're making people
uncomfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you
should apologize to.
He's wearing a Robert Graham
shirt, I mean...
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Right this way,
sweetheart.
(growls)
What... oh, man.
MAN: Joshie.
WOMAN: Hi, Joshie.
JOSH: Hi, Mom. Hi there, Tom.
Ooh, look at
that nice shirt.
TOM: Oh, that-that's fantastic.
MOM: That's smart.
That's nice, I like that.
Thank you, thank you. I...
When are you
coming to visit?
T-Tickets are very expensive
this time of year.
Well, put it on
the Discover Card.
I told you, Mom, I'm not-not
using the Discover anymore.
Why not?
It's pretty pathetic.
I'm 27, I should probably have
my own credit card by now.
Ugh, here we go.
You're 27?
It's not your fault
you're broke.
It's not.
You...
Everyone is struggling
in this economy.
Everyb... But your
sister's a special case.
TOM:
Promotion after promotion.
It's insane.
How'd it go
with Gorbachaka?
Ooh.
What? How do...
You know about that?
You know, your mother
and I met on a blind date.
But with different
people.
Oh, yeah. No, I know--
it's-it's a terrific story.
MOM:
Our tables were right next
to each other.
Right.
And when our
dates went up
to go to the...
♪ ♪
Josh?
Uh, M-Maggie.
M-Maggie, hey,
it's-it's-it's me.
Sorry for, uh, calling
out of the blue like this.
So great to hear from you.
Really?!
(stammers)
I mean, yeah, no, me, same.
Me, same.
You should come to my apartment.
What... uh, now?
Yeah, I'm throwing a huge party.
You should stop by.
I mean, if you're out.
Oh... I'm out.
Forty dollars.
Do you take
Discover Card?
Uh, I think Maggie's code
is four something.
JOSH:
Pound, four-three-four-two.
Pound, four-three-four-two.
MIKE: Josh, this is Aja.
Aja, Josh.
JOSH:
Oh, mazel tov.
Hey, how'd
your date go, buddy?
Oh, let's just get up
to the party.
Is that champagne?
It's, uh, Prosecco,
Maggie's favorite.
Ah, you know, I think
it's pretty cool
of you to
come tonight.
It's gonna mean
a lot to them.
Uh, th-them?
Dude, you know she's
seeing someone, right?
No, I didn't know that.
How long has this been going on?
Uh, at least a month.
I'm sorry, I
thought you knew.
Who is he?
This guy, Adolf.
His name is Adolf?
Yeah.
L-Like Adolf Hitler?
Oh, cool, you know him.
I-I know of him.
I thought he died,
like, years ago.
Nah, he faked that. Yeah.
He's been hiding in Argentina
since, like, the '40s.
I know he's got a weird rep,
and people think he's sketchy
or whatever,
but in person,
he's actually pretty cool.
Like, this one time
we did karaoke.
(laughs)
What?
He was hilarious.
He did Tina Turner,
Gladys Knight.
(distorted): He did
a monologue from Precious,
which wasn't even
in the karaoke book.
Blew all our minds.
He just had it memorized.
(normal voice):
You okay, buddy?
I-Isn't there, like,
a pretty big age-age difference
between them?
I mean, Maggie's only 27.
Somebody's jealous.
Yeah.
I'm not jealous, Aja.
I-I just don't like
Adolf Hitler.
He-he murdered millions
of people.
You don't like him
because he's dating Maggie.
True, but you don't think
it's a little strange
that she's dating him,
of all people?
I'm Jewish.
He famously hates Jews.
Oh, that is a
real stretch, Josh.
Don't make this about you.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
MAGGIE:
Josh!
(chuckles)
Hey.
(muttering)
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
How are you?
Good, how... I'm good.
Hug, come on.
Yeah, hugs, come on.
Oh, is that, is that Prosecco?
Oh, yes, it is.
Would you like some?
Um, that's okay, actually,
'cause Adolf just opened
some Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Oh, hello.
Oh.
Hey.
This is prewar.
There-there is plenty
for everyone.
Delicious.
Yeah. Hey!
Hey, A.H.
That's the man.
That's you.
That's the man.
(laughs)
What's up?
Hi.
Hey.
Adolf Hitler.
Uh, Josh Greenberg.
Greenberg?
Yes.
Uh-oh!
(laughter)
Uh-oh!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
There's a Jew at Hitler's party.
That's right. That's right.
There's one in our midst.
Um, you can just throw that down
over there.
Oh, good, yeah.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, yeah, good.
So much about you.
I'm fairly well-versed in you.
Wikipedia.
Yeah.
There is a compact disc player.
Oh, good news.
We have, um, R&B,
young-young-young music.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no Wagner?
No, there's Wagner.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Mwah.
Little dirty man.
Don't make it awkward
for the Jew.
No, I'm sure...
Nice-nice to meet you.
(laughter)
MIKE:
Tinder is like Facebook,
but it's just, like,
straight to smashing.
To smashing?
Yeah.
ADOLF:
When I was in Austria,
back in that era,
I would say "That one,"
and my bodyguards,
they would take her and they
would put her in my bed.
Really?
They would burn the house down.
MIKE:
That is cool.
That was my Tinder.
Oh, yeah.
That's the good old days.
That's the good old days.
No apps for that.
Yeah. (chuckles)
I wish I was there with you.
You'd be dead if you were there.
Oh, I know.
You don't want to be dead.
Would you like some wine?
Um, I think I'll
switch to beer.
Oh, what kind of beer
would you like?
Anything German.
ALL:
Aw.
ADOLF:
Be right back.
Okay.
Okay, all right.
There you go.
There you are.
Hey.
Hey.
We still haven't caught up.
How's everything?
I miss you.
(laughs)
Oh, Josh, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk. No, I-I, uh...
Why, uh...
Why-why are you with this guy?
I mean, I-I know he's, um,
more successful than me.
My relationship with Dolfy
has nothing to do with you.
Okay? We're-we're just
two people who fell in love.
He's 150 years old.
He's 126.
I can't believe
I'm defending myself to you.
I still have Isaac Newton.
Isaac Newton.
This-this little reptile.
Remember, we said,
we were gonna nurse him
back to health together.
We were on mushrooms.
You should free that thing.
I love you.
(laughing):
Josh.
Don't you still love me?
Josh.
I'm better than Hitler!
(crowd gasps)
Hey, uh...
I think maybe you
should head out, buddy.
Let things cool down a bit.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Uh, I'm sorry, Maggie.
I'm not the one
you should apologize to.
I'm sorry, Hitler.
He couldn't hear you.
I'm sorry, Hitler!
What?
I'm sorry, Hit...
Oh, hey, do you think you guys
could drop me off in Pilsen?
Isn't your place north, babe?
Uh, sorry, man, we're going
in opposite directions.
(thunder rumbling)
(bird screeches)
(card reader chirping)
(blows raspberry)
(mouthing)
It's a good thing
it's the weekend.
What?
Uh, it-it's the weekend.
Good thing.
What?
A good thing it's the weekend.
Oh. (chuckles)
Yeah.
TGIF.
Yeah, exactly.
Or I guess it's more like
TGIS.
Um, because it's Saturday.
So...
Right, TGIS.
Yes, yes.
Saturday.
Saturday, yeah.
Oh, um,
are you coming?
Uh, this is
going south, right?
Oh, no, it's going north.
That-That's the direction
I'm going in.
Uh, what-what class
did you say you were in again?
Oh, '07.
'07.
Yeah.
Um, '07, '07.
Uh, do you know,
uh, Ted Kasden?
No.
He might have been '08,
actually.
What about Jake, uh,
Jake Barnes?
I knew a Jake Franklin.
No, I don't know that guy.
There's a lot of Jakes.
Well-well, Chris Schifrin.
Chris Schifrin?
Oh, Chris Schifrin.
Yeah, I think I had
an anthro class with him.
Oh.
Are-are you friends with him?
Not at all.
Uh, I know his brother.
I'm an acquaintance
of one of his brothers.
Oh.
Um...
Wow.
It's a...
small world.
Yeah, hugely small.
(bell dings)
Oh.
This is my stop.
Oh, okay.
So, um, well,
it was really nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Josh.
Oh, Laura.
Hi.
Hey, do you want to go
out to dinner sometime?
What?
Would you like to go
out to dinner sometime?
Oh, sure.
Uh, how, uh...
Oh, um, I have a business card.
Sorry.
It's old-fashioned.
Well, I'll, uh, I look forward
to doing business.
Oh. (laughs)
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Um...
(bell dings)
Here I go.
Okay.
Okay.
(bell dings)
Okay.
(sniffs)
(phone buzzing)
Hello.
MAN:
Good morning, Joshua.
I'm calling
from the MacArthur Foundation.
I'm pleased to announce
that you shall be receiving
one of our annual rewards.
Wait, you mean the genius grant?
Uh, for what?
For picking up Laura.
Oh, right.
The MacArthur board members
were all wondering,
how'd you manage it?
Did you use a line or something?
No, no, I just, uh, saw her
and struck up a conversation.
Well, what did you say to her?
How did you start it?
Uh, I-I said something about,
uh, how it's the weekend
and how it was cool
that it was the weekend.
Uh, then I found out
she found went to Bard,
and I knew some people
that went there,
so then we started talking
about that.
Knew people at Bard.
Talked about people
who went to Bard.
Really can't believe
you actually did it.
Neither can I. I've, like,
never done that before.
Just walked up to a random girl
and been like,
"Hey, let's go out."
I did it once, back when
I was reading law at Cambridge.
Saw this young woman
I recognized from section,
and I asked her
to have lunch with me.
Uh, that's a bit different.
You did already know her
from section.
I know, also it was just lunch.
Dinner's a bigger deal
because it's at night.
Exactly.
Okay, uh, we'll be in touch.
Josh?
Yeah.
(phone rings)
Hello.
Oh, finally. Josh Greenberg?
Mr. President?
Uh, congratulations.
You are an inspiration
to men everywhere.
Thanks, buddy.
I really appreciate that.
When I met Michelle,
I was rocking a Jamiroquai hat.
Oh.
Honestly, it was a crutch.
Uh, you proved the
old-fashioned way still works.
This Tinder stuff,
I just don't get it.
I'll let you go.
JOSH:
Thanks, buddy.
(shutters clicking)
Wow.
Right here!
Wow, this is so cool.
Hey, hey, wow, sorry.
(reporters shouting)
Josh!
Joshie!
I'm Tom, T-O-M.
This is Patti.
Mom, proud mom.
Hitler ain't got shit
on you, dude.
Okay, thank-thank you.
(screeches)
(Wagner's
"Ride of the Valkyries" playing)
(moaning)
Oh. Oh, yeah. Yep.
Take that.
Okay, if you want
to visit Newton,
I know he'd be
happy to see you.
Yeah, okay.
We never finished
Carnivàle,
so if you want to finish
the last two episodes...
I don't. No.
You don't. Okay.
I don't.
So, we can be buddies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In time.
In time, yeah.
Uh, all right.
All right.
(door locks)
("Not in Love"
by Crystal Castles plays)
(thunder cracks)
♪ And we were lovers ♪
♪ Now we can't be friends ♪
♪ Fascination ends ♪
♪ Here we go again... ♪
(bird screeches)
(thunder rumbles)
(bird caws)
(bird screeches)
MAN:
No, no, no.
Fat, fat.
Ugly, fat.
No.
Yes.
Does that thing actually work?
Sex partner found.
Oh, my God.
Hey, where's Wolcott
and Cermak?
It's, like, eight blocks away.
(sighs) I can usually
get it within five.
Your place is remote, man.
Uh, I'm sorry?
You got to get
on this thing, bro.
I mean, it's just
weird to think
about being with anybody else--
we were together for six years.
I thought four.
I count
the two years
we kind of e-mailed each other
before we kissed.
There you go.
No, n-n-n-no.
He's on a very
specific diet.
There's tons of vitamins
in pizza, man.
He eats bugs and little fruit.
You should go to Torch tonight.
What?
Here, wear this.
What is this?
Robert Graham,
contrasting cuffs.
You will crush gash.
What an awful...
Every gash is
somebody's daughter.
Here, wear this.
That's not bad.
It's easy-- just go up
to them and be, like,
"Hey, what's
your deal?"
Wh-What does
that even mean?
Doesn't matter, dude.
You read The Game?
You got to give them
little trinkets,
you got to pinch them--
it works.
You got to wear
a Jamiroquai hat.
Well, to be
honest, I, uh...
I actually have my own
plans this evening.
Yeah. Yeah, my sister's setting
me up with her friend
from Sweden.
Holy shit!
Yeah, I'm pretty
psyched about it.
Liz says she's, uh,
confident, funny.
Congrats, what's
she look like?
I-I-I don't know.
You didn't ask to
see a picture?
I talked you up,
okay?
She's so well-read.
Oh, good.
This is, like,
a woman of substance.
Oh, good. That's-that's
what's most important.
You know, all Mike
wanted to know was,
(low voice): "What
does she look like?"
That guy is
disgusting.
He's so gross.
But this girl tonight,
what does she look like?
Oh, there she is.
What? Oh, no.
Wait, where?
She's right outside.
See? She's in
the Dumpster.
(snorting)
She's that thing across
the street in the garbage?
She's right there, see?
In the Dumpster.
Oh, my God.
Something wrong?
You said she
was from Sweden?
She was born
in the Scandinavian forest.
Right.
She moved here
last year
so she could run
her nonprofit.
And live underneath
the Wabash Bridge.
Does that mean
she's a troll?
I'm sorry,
is that a problem?
No, no, no.
Just, um, uh...
She's drinking
antifreeze.
Uh, okay, cool.
No, I just...
I'm saying...
Um... she might
not be my type.
Joshua, want to have a little
look-at-yourself moment?
No. No, this is...
Do you go to the gym?
Nope.
Do you have a job?
Yeah, I-I...
I'm a temp.
Okay, well, how does
that sound to a lady?
If she's a temp,
she'll like it.
She keeps barking
at strangers...
Josh,
this woman has brought
herself up from nothing.
Why are you crying?
I just really
like her, okay?
I think you guys would
be cool together.
I appreciate
this so much.
This is a mitzvah
you've done.
I just, uh...
Josh, there's,
like, so many guys
like Mike
running around.
You're such
a good guy.
I love you.
I love you.
I wouldn't have set you up
with Gorbachaka
if I didn't think
it was a good match.
Okay?
Thank you so much.
I noticed you were,
uh, rummaging around
in the, uh,
garbage, there.
I-I-In my temp job,
I actually have to deal
with garbage quite frequently.
End of the day, I go around
to everybody's desk
and take all the little
bags of garbage
and put them in one
big bag of garbage.
Pretty cool.
(sniffs)
Can't wait
for that bruschetta.
Flower for the lady?
Yeah, why not?
Twelve dollars.
Twelve dollars?!
Here you are.
Here's a flower
for you.
Mmm.
(spits)
(grunts lightly)
I know,
I know-- roses.
You ever seen,
uh, Carnivàle?
Huh?
This is, uh,
it's kind of nice.
Sort of sitting here,
getting to know each other.
My friend Mike...
he's just obsessed
with these, uh...
these dating apps.
This guy spends just hours
trolling the Internet...
(squeals)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
no, no, no.
I didn't mean it
like that.
I'm sorry.
Ow, ow!
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow...
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow!
(screams)
(growls)
No. No. No. No.
Mom, they're so adorable.
He's wearing the sweater.
No.
Please.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Is everything okay?
No, it's not.
Josh, you're not making
a great impression here.
Well, I don't care-- this
is clearly not gonna work.
Why not?
Because she's an
ugly slimy troll!
(gasping)
Oh.
Uh... I... uh, sorry.
I just got out
of a long-term relationship.
I-I don't know what I'm doing.
I... I'm sorry, Liz.
I'm not the one that
you should apologize to.
Yeah, fair enough.
I'm sorry, Gorbachaka.
(snarls)
(sighs)
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
(sighs)
MIKE:
Robert Graham,
contrasting cuffs.
(distorted, echoing):
You will crush gash...
(techno music plays)
(music slows)
Oh, yeah. Yep.
$20 cover.
20...
Hey, how are you?
Yeah, I'm just at this club,
it's really nice.
Hey.
(sniffs)
Uh, what's your deal?
Sorry. Excuse me?
Uh.. what... uh...
Uh, wh-what's your deal?
One second, there's
this weird guy.
He just asked me
what's my deal.
You're making people
uncomfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you
should apologize to.
He's wearing a Robert Graham
shirt, I mean...
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Right this way,
sweetheart.
(growls)
What... oh, man.
MAN: Joshie.
WOMAN: Hi, Joshie.
JOSH: Hi, Mom. Hi there, Tom.
Ooh, look at
that nice shirt.
TOM: Oh, that-that's fantastic.
MOM: That's smart.
That's nice, I like that.
Thank you, thank you. I...
When are you
coming to visit?
T-Tickets are very expensive
this time of year.
Well, put it on
the Discover Card.
I told you, Mom, I'm not-not
using the Discover anymore.
Why not?
It's pretty pathetic.
I'm 27, I should probably have
my own credit card by now.
Ugh, here we go.
You're 27?
It's not your fault
you're broke.
It's not.
You...
Everyone is struggling
in this economy.
Everyb... But your
sister's a special case.
TOM:
Promotion after promotion.
It's insane.
How'd it go
with Gorbachaka?
Ooh.
What? How do...
You know about that?
You know, your mother
and I met on a blind date.
But with different
people.
Oh, yeah. No, I know--
it's-it's a terrific story.
MOM:
Our tables were right next
to each other.
Right.
And when our
dates went up
to go to the...
♪ ♪
Josh?
Uh, M-Maggie.
M-Maggie, hey,
it's-it's-it's me.
Sorry for, uh, calling
out of the blue like this.
So great to hear from you.
Really?!
(stammers)
I mean, yeah, no, me, same.
Me, same.
You should come to my apartment.
What... uh, now?
Yeah, I'm throwing a huge party.
You should stop by.
I mean, if you're out.
Oh... I'm out.
Forty dollars.
Do you take
Discover Card?
Uh, I think Maggie's code
is four something.
JOSH:
Pound, four-three-four-two.
Pound, four-three-four-two.
MIKE: Josh, this is Aja.
Aja, Josh.
JOSH:
Oh, mazel tov.
Hey, how'd
your date go, buddy?
Oh, let's just get up
to the party.
Is that champagne?
It's, uh, Prosecco,
Maggie's favorite.
Ah, you know, I think
it's pretty cool
of you to
come tonight.
It's gonna mean
a lot to them.
Uh, th-them?
Dude, you know she's
seeing someone, right?
No, I didn't know that.
How long has this been going on?
Uh, at least a month.
I'm sorry, I
thought you knew.
Who is he?
This guy, Adolf.
His name is Adolf?
Yeah.
L-Like Adolf Hitler?
Oh, cool, you know him.
I-I know of him.
I thought he died,
like, years ago.
Nah, he faked that. Yeah.
He's been hiding in Argentina
since, like, the '40s.
I know he's got a weird rep,
and people think he's sketchy
or whatever,
but in person,
he's actually pretty cool.
Like, this one time
we did karaoke.
(laughs)
What?
He was hilarious.
He did Tina Turner,
Gladys Knight.
(distorted): He did
a monologue from Precious,
which wasn't even
in the karaoke book.
Blew all our minds.
He just had it memorized.
(normal voice):
You okay, buddy?
I-Isn't there, like,
a pretty big age-age difference
between them?
I mean, Maggie's only 27.
Somebody's jealous.
Yeah.
I'm not jealous, Aja.
I-I just don't like
Adolf Hitler.
He-he murdered millions
of people.
You don't like him
because he's dating Maggie.
True, but you don't think
it's a little strange
that she's dating him,
of all people?
I'm Jewish.
He famously hates Jews.
Oh, that is a
real stretch, Josh.
Don't make this about you.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
MAGGIE:
Josh!
(chuckles)
Hey.
(muttering)
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
How are you?
Good, how... I'm good.
Hug, come on.
Yeah, hugs, come on.
Oh, is that, is that Prosecco?
Oh, yes, it is.
Would you like some?
Um, that's okay, actually,
'cause Adolf just opened
some Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Oh, hello.
Oh.
Hey.
This is prewar.
There-there is plenty
for everyone.
Delicious.
Yeah. Hey!
Hey, A.H.
That's the man.
That's you.
That's the man.
(laughs)
What's up?
Hi.
Hey.
Adolf Hitler.
Uh, Josh Greenberg.
Greenberg?
Yes.
Uh-oh!
(laughter)
Uh-oh!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
There's a Jew at Hitler's party.
That's right. That's right.
There's one in our midst.
Um, you can just throw that down
over there.
Oh, good, yeah.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, yeah, good.
So much about you.
I'm fairly well-versed in you.
Wikipedia.
Yeah.
There is a compact disc player.
Oh, good news.
We have, um, R&B,
young-young-young music.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no Wagner?
No, there's Wagner.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Mwah.
Little dirty man.
Don't make it awkward
for the Jew.
No, I'm sure...
Nice-nice to meet you.
(laughter)
MIKE:
Tinder is like Facebook,
but it's just, like,
straight to smashing.
To smashing?
Yeah.
ADOLF:
When I was in Austria,
back in that era,
I would say "That one,"
and my bodyguards,
they would take her and they
would put her in my bed.
Really?
They would burn the house down.
MIKE:
That is cool.
That was my Tinder.
Oh, yeah.
That's the good old days.
That's the good old days.
No apps for that.
Yeah. (chuckles)
I wish I was there with you.
You'd be dead if you were there.
Oh, I know.
You don't want to be dead.
Would you like some wine?
Um, I think I'll
switch to beer.
Oh, what kind of beer
would you like?
Anything German.
ALL:
Aw.
ADOLF:
Be right back.
Okay.
Okay, all right.
There you go.
There you are.
Hey.
Hey.
We still haven't caught up.
How's everything?
I miss you.
(laughs)
Oh, Josh, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk. No, I-I, uh...
Why, uh...
Why-why are you with this guy?
I mean, I-I know he's, um,
more successful than me.
My relationship with Dolfy
has nothing to do with you.
Okay? We're-we're just
two people who fell in love.
He's 150 years old.
He's 126.
I can't believe
I'm defending myself to you.
I still have Isaac Newton.
Isaac Newton.
This-this little reptile.
Remember, we said,
we were gonna nurse him
back to health together.
We were on mushrooms.
You should free that thing.
I love you.
(laughing):
Josh.
Don't you still love me?
Josh.
I'm better than Hitler!
(crowd gasps)
Hey, uh...
I think maybe you
should head out, buddy.
Let things cool down a bit.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Uh, I'm sorry, Maggie.
I'm not the one
you should apologize to.
I'm sorry, Hitler.
He couldn't hear you.
I'm sorry, Hitler!
What?
I'm sorry, Hit...
Oh, hey, do you think you guys
could drop me off in Pilsen?
Isn't your place north, babe?
Uh, sorry, man, we're going
in opposite directions.
(thunder rumbling)
(bird screeches)
(card reader chirping)
(blows raspberry)
(mouthing)
It's a good thing
it's the weekend.
What?
Uh, it-it's the weekend.
Good thing.
What?
A good thing it's the weekend.
Oh. (chuckles)
Yeah.
TGIF.
Yeah, exactly.
Or I guess it's more like
TGIS.
Um, because it's Saturday.
So...
Right, TGIS.
Yes, yes.
Saturday.
Saturday, yeah.
Oh, um,
are you coming?
Uh, this is
going south, right?
Oh, no, it's going north.
That-That's the direction
I'm going in.
Uh, what-what class
did you say you were in again?
Oh, '07.
'07.
Yeah.
Um, '07, '07.
Uh, do you know,
uh, Ted Kasden?
No.
He might have been '08,
actually.
What about Jake, uh,
Jake Barnes?
I knew a Jake Franklin.
No, I don't know that guy.
There's a lot of Jakes.
Well-well, Chris Schifrin.
Chris Schifrin?
Oh, Chris Schifrin.
Yeah, I think I had
an anthro class with him.
Oh.
Are-are you friends with him?
Not at all.
Uh, I know his brother.
I'm an acquaintance
of one of his brothers.
Oh.
Um...
Wow.
It's a...
small world.
Yeah, hugely small.
(bell dings)
Oh.
This is my stop.
Oh, okay.
So, um, well,
it was really nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Josh.
Oh, Laura.
Hi.
Hey, do you want to go
out to dinner sometime?
What?
Would you like to go
out to dinner sometime?
Oh, sure.
Uh, how, uh...
Oh, um, I have a business card.
Sorry.
It's old-fashioned.
Well, I'll, uh, I look forward
to doing business.
Oh. (laughs)
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Um...
(bell dings)
Here I go.
Okay.
Okay.
(bell dings)
Okay.
(sniffs)
(phone buzzing)
Hello.
MAN:
Good morning, Joshua.
I'm calling
from the MacArthur Foundation.
I'm pleased to announce
that you shall be receiving
one of our annual rewards.
Wait, you mean the genius grant?
Uh, for what?
For picking up Laura.
Oh, right.
The MacArthur board members
were all wondering,
how'd you manage it?
Did you use a line or something?
No, no, I just, uh, saw her
and struck up a conversation.
Well, what did you say to her?
How did you start it?
Uh, I-I said something about,
uh, how it's the weekend
and how it was cool
that it was the weekend.
Uh, then I found out
she found went to Bard,
and I knew some people
that went there,
so then we started talking
about that.
Knew people at Bard.
Talked about people
who went to Bard.
Really can't believe
you actually did it.
Neither can I. I've, like,
never done that before.
Just walked up to a random girl
and been like,
"Hey, let's go out."
I did it once, back when
I was reading law at Cambridge.
Saw this young woman
I recognized from section,
and I asked her
to have lunch with me.
Uh, that's a bit different.
You did already know her
from section.
I know, also it was just lunch.
Dinner's a bigger deal
because it's at night.
Exactly.
Okay, uh, we'll be in touch.
Josh?
Yeah.
(phone rings)
Hello.
Oh, finally. Josh Greenberg?
Mr. President?
Uh, congratulations.
You are an inspiration
to men everywhere.
Thanks, buddy.
I really appreciate that.
When I met Michelle,
I was rocking a Jamiroquai hat.
Oh.
Honestly, it was a crutch.
Uh, you proved the
old-fashioned way still works.
This Tinder stuff,
I just don't get it.
I'll let you go.
JOSH:
Thanks, buddy.
(shutters clicking)
Wow.
Right here!
Wow, this is so cool.
Hey, hey, wow, sorry.
(reporters shouting)
Josh!
Joshie!
I'm Tom, T-O-M.
This is Patti.
Mom, proud mom.
Hitler ain't got shit
on you, dude.
Okay, thank-thank you.
(screeches)
(Wagner's
"Ride of the Valkyries" playing)
(moaning)