Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 6 - Mama Fights Back - full transcript
Mama is not satisfied with the advice she receives from a local consumer affairs radio show. She calls in to complain, and offers advice to other callers on how to resolve their complaints. The radio station is so impressed by Mama's knowledge of local merchants and products, that they give her a radio program of her own.
Mm-mmm! Gee, this
is great, Aunt Naomi.
There's nothing
like pasta for lunch.
Thank you, Bubba. I do
have a way with Spaghetti-Os.
You know, it's not
just the food, Skeeter.
I can't put my finger on it
but there was something
different about this meal
that made it real nice.
Well, I am so mad,
I could just spit!
Oh, yeah, right.
How was shopping, Ms. Harper?
Well, Raymart wouldn't
take back this lousy blender.
But you just
bought it last week.
That didn't matter
to the store manager.
Thelma forgot to
keep her sales receipt.
I tell you what if this
stupid thing did work
I'd frappe his fanny.
Thelma, sit down
and cool off. Here.
The manager did
say you could take it
to the nearest
distributor for repairs.
There you go, Mama.
The nearest distributor
is in Nagasaki.
Well, I guess you're out
of luck then, Ms. Harper.
Hmm, not necessarily, grandma.
You could call that consumer
guy on the radio and complain.
You talking about "Chuck
Duval, the shopper's pal?"
Yeah, I think he's on right now.
Hey, I'll go get my radio.
Forget it, I'm not spending
my afternoon on hold
waiting for that consumer creep.
Well, you won't
have to, Mama, I will.
Well, that's a good idea, honey.
- This is going to be fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah, o-okay, the
number is 5-5-5 KRAY.
I cannot stand that guy.
He's never got any
good advice for anybody.
All he ever says is, "I can't
help you. Have a nice day."
Okay, everybody I
think this is KRAY.
Well, Evelyn, that's
a very sad story.
- Is that him?
- There's nothing I can do.
That's him.
Chuck, the engine blew up
on my way out of the dealership!
Ah, but you said you
bought the car as is.
Can't help you,
Evelyn. Have a nice day.
What did I tell you?
We'll be right back after this.
Say, why didn't
Chuck tell that lady
about the 72-hour law?
Yeah. What is the 72-hour law?
Oh, you know, Thelma, uh,
after every major purchase
you have 72 hours to
back out of the contract.
Oh, that 72-hour law.
Hello? Okay. Ha ha ha.
Mama, get on the
phone. You're next.
Oh, well, I don't want
to talk to that goof.
Of course you do, you're
going to be on the radio.
Yeah, hurry up, Thelma.
You'll lose your turn.
- Oh, alright.
- No, not in here, Mama.
You got to talk to
him in the living room
so we can turn up the radio.
Oh, for pity's sake.
Anything to keep
you morons happy.
Lord, this is ridiculous.
"Chuck Duval,
the shopper's pal."
Hello.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, Chuck?
No, this is Vint.
Vinton, wait, I'm trying
to talk to Chuck here!
Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello, you're on the air.
- This is Chuck.
- Mama, it's Chuck.
Vinton, I know who it is.
Get the hell off the phone!
- Hello, Chuck?
- Hello, go ahead, madam.
- It's only an hour show.
- Oh, oh, alright.
Hello, my name is Thelma Harper
and, uh, Raymart
sold me a bum blender
and now they don't want
to take the thing back.
Did you show them
your sales receipt?
I knew you were
going to ask me that.
Without it, Thelma, you
have no proof of purchase
therefore, I can't help you.
- Have a nice day.
- Hold it right there, mister!
You hang up on me, and
your nice days are numbered.
Now, Thelma, calm down. I-I
know what I'm talking about.
You don't know diddly.
How come you didn't
tell that poor Evelyn
about the 72-hour law?
Every idiot knows
about the 72-hour law.
Well, it must have
slipped my mind.
What mind?
And I never will
forget what you said
to that poor old man
whose hearing aid
was picking up the
police broadcast.
You said, "Don't
bother taking it back.
"Just join the
neighborhood watch."
I swear, Ralph Nader
ought to have you recalled.
And I'm going to
tell you something...
Boy, Mama,
you really gave it
to that shopper's pal.
Yeah, I was good, wasn't I?
Refreshments, anyone?
Oh, I'll say, Iola
there's nothing like
knocking some knucklehead
to raise a thirst.
Even so, Ms.
Harper, don't you think
you were a little bit
rough on that guy?
I let him off easy.
I felt sorry for him once
he started blubberin'.
I just hope he doesn't
sue you for slander.
Sue me?
Well, Thelma, you
did say, and I quote
"The way you stink
up the airwaves,
"someone should
check the expiration date
"on your brain."
Oh, grandma definitely
grounds for slander.
Well, thank you, Bubba Wapner.
I spoke my mind
and I'm going to stand by it.
Excuse me.
- I'm looking for Thelma Harper.
- That's me.
Oh, well, I'm sorry for
coming by unannounced
but your phone's
been busy all afternoon.
Oh, we had to
take it off the hook.
Everybody and his brother
has been calling my mama
to congratulate her.
- I was on the radio.
- I know.
I'm Harrison Aldrich
station manager at KRAY Radio.
K-K-KRAY?
Uh, yes, your performance today
caused quite a
stir, ah, so much so
that I talked things
over with our lawyer...
I didn't mean it! I didn't
mean a word! I take it all back.
She is old, her mind wanders.
I-it was temporary insanity
due to a broken blender.
Hey, it wasn't her fault.
You can't take my mama
away, it's her first offense.
What are you
people talking about?
Mr. Aldrich, please
don't sue me.
Sue you? Ha ha ha!
I want to hire you as KRAY's
new consumer advocate.
- Me?
- What happened to Chuck Duval?
Oh, no problem.
Our lawyers found a
loophole in his contract.
He's out. You're in.
But, Mr. Aldrich, I'm
not a radio personality.
I'm just a simple homemaker.
Well, that's the beauty of it.
Our core audience
consists of women just like you.
Demographically,
you're a gold mine.
Congratulations, Ms. Harper.
I always knew that
big mouth of yours
would pay off someday.
Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Aldrich.
I'm very flattered, but
I'm afraid the answer is no.
My place is here.
Of course, it is.
Perfect, Thelma,
a touch of genius.
A high concept...
A homemaker, broadcasting
from her own home!
Talk about promotability.
This is all going a
little bit too fast for me.
Would you mind spelling
this out in plain English?
- The job pays $400 a week.
- It's a done deal.
Alright. Way to go, grandma...
Testing, testing.
One, one, one. Ahem.
Here, now, when
Thelma's ready to take a call
what do you do?
Uh, push this button
and point this finger.
Right. That's called cueing.
"Cueing." Huh huh.
Radio talk.
You really think Vinton
can handle this job?
- Oh, a child could do it.
- I know, but can he?
Don't worry. Everybody's
been adequately trained.
Remember, it's all
part of the concept
the homemaker as
star with her family
and friends as the
production team.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just hope
they don't make me look bad.
Well, now, if there
are any problems
I'll be out in the sound truck.
- Have a good show, everyone!
- Thank you.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Aldrich.
Isn't this exciting?
Good Lord, what the
hell are you doing here?
Well, Ms. Harper, don't
you want to look your best
for your professional debut?
Naomi, this is radio.
I could do this
thing in my bloomers
and nobody would be the wiser.
Okay, I got all your
cue cards done, T.H.
Well, thank you, I.B.
Hey, we even worked
out some hand signals
to let you know how much
time you have left, okay?
This means three minutes
this means two minutes...
Hold it right there, mister.
You give me that one minute
you're gonna get your
clock punched out.
Mama, they just
said to stand by.
Alright, everybody,
man your battle stations.
Okay, stay calm, Thelma.
Well, what is there
to be nervous about?
I'm in my own home
surrounded by my beloved family.
Goodnight!
That's the spirit, Thelma.
So what if every word you say
can be heard by thousands
and thousands of people?
Oh, my Lord.
Hello, you're on
the air with Thelma.
- No, that's our phone, grandma.
- Oh, for heaven sakes.
Why would somebody
be calling me now?
Hello, I can't talk now,
I'm about to go on the air.
Roselle, I don't have time
to give you my recipe
for divinity fudge.
- Thelma, get ready.
- Now, will you listen to me?
In five, four, three...
- Roselle - Two.
Get your fat butt off my phone!
Ms. Harper, you are on the air.
Uh...
And that is what I always
say to those pushy people
who try to call me and
sell me things I don't want.
Get out of my face.
Hello, this is Thelma Harper
and I am your new
consumer advocate.
And I believe in
shooting from the hip
so if you have any
gripes or problems
you just give me a call.
I'm waiting for you.
What the hell are
you pointing at?
- Mama, you got a call.
- What?
Why didn't you just say so?
Hello, you're on
the air with Thelma!
Thelma, I'm Ida Travis
and I'm having
my roof reshingled
by Purvis Brothers Roofing...
Say no more, Ida,
sweetie, I know
exactly what you
are going through.
Those boys say they're
gonna be there first thing
Monday morning, they don't
show up till Thursday afternoon.
Well, that's right!
How did you know?
Well, they tried to pull the
same damn thing with me
two years ago, and
I just wouldn't take it.
Oh, oh, really? What did you do?
You called the better
business bureau?
No, hell no, I went
right to the top
their mother.
I tell you, that woman
could put the fear of God
into the Incredible Hulk.
Now you just look
up Earlene Purvis
she's listed in your
book, and I'm telling you
your roofing
problems will be over.
Oh, Thelma, how
can I ever thank you?
Well, you just
keep listening, hon,
and tell all your friends.
- Okay!
- Knock it off!
Uh, we'll be right back
after this commercial break.
Ha ha! You did it, grandma.
You were cogent,
wise, and pithy.
You sure gave those
Purvis Brothers what for!
Yeah, ha ha, hey, the
board is really lighting up.
Thelma, you're a natural.
You sound like you've
been doing this for years.
Well, if there's one thing
I've had plenty of practice at
it's telling people what to do.
Way to go, grandma.
Ready to go, Uncle Vint!
Back her up, Bubba.
Okay, good buddy
here it comes.
I got a shovelful
of gravel for ya.
Will you cut that out?
Mama...
Mama, look what you made me do.
Now my marbles
are all over the floor.
You lost your marbles
years ago, Vinton.
Now, come on, quit
playing with the damn toys
we got a production
meeting here.
We're not playing, grandma,
we're testing 'em
out for child safety.
Yeah, and our conclusion is
they are perfectly safe.
Ow!
Oh, terrific, that
steam shovel is faulty
we could have a story
there, now come on over here.
Knock, knock! Oh, I hope
I'm not late for the meeting.
I was preparing my food report.
Oh, what you got
there, Ms. Boylen?
I have a dozen doughnuts.
I hit every doughnut shop
between here and Hinckley.
Uh, wouldn't it have been easier
just to buy them all
in the same place?
You doughnut hole.
She is doing a
comparison taste test
to find the best doughnuts
in the tri-state area.
And after our meetin', you two
boys can be my taste-testers.
Oh, boy! Toys and doughnuts.
- Talk about your job perks.
- Oh, where's Naomi?
Oh, she's downstairs trying
out that new beauty mask from
Betty Lou's skin care center
so we will start without her.
Now listen up...
I think it is time
that we breathe some
new life into this show.
But we've only been
on the air two weeks.
Well, I know, but I
don't want to get stale.
I want production values.
I want sound effects and music.
I want to go after every
business in Raytown.
Oh, Thelma, do
you think that's wise?
Iola, people love me
because I am a fighter.
I'm telling you, from now
on, I'm taking the gloves off.
No more nice Granny Harper.
Gee, Mama, when were you nice?
I have always been
nice, dope-face!
Now can the small talk,
we got a show to plan here.
- Naomi!
- Coming!
Ha ha.
Naomi, that's a beauty mask?
Yuh-huh, this is Betty
Lou's own secret formula.
It's made of spinach,
kelp, and wheatgrass.
Naomi, you look like
a walking salad bar.
Ha ha ha, looks more
like a close encounter
of the slime kind.
Skeeter, take me to your leader.
Oh, no, don't make me
laugh! Don't make me laugh!
Now, you three, quit
making fun of Naomi.
She's only going through all
of this for the good of the show.
- Thank you, Ms. Harper.
- You're welcome.
Now hop on that chair, Kermit.
Well, thank you so
much for that call, Louella
and we will get right on this.
Alright, listeners, this
time Ned's Gas-And-Go
has gone a little bit too far.
It is one thing when they
switch over to that self-serve,
but when they put in one
of those damn mini-marts
and take out the restrooms
I say that is criminal.
Ned, this is what
Thelma thinks of you.
Alright, and now it's
time for our food report
"Eating Out With Iola."
Come and get it.
So tell me, neighbor
what you got on
your menu for today?
Well, Thelma, I am going
to blow the Styrofoam lid
off the junk food
industry in this town.
Well, I say it is about time.
Let us start with Mr. Cookie.
Now he claims to
use 16 chocolate chips
in each of his cookies
but your food reporter
has discovered
that he only uses eight.
He cuts them in half.
Oh, Mr. Cookie.
Looks like we're going to
have to toss your cookies.
Yeah! What else you got there?
Well, the Burger Bungalow.
Their quarter-pound burger
actually only weighs
a quarter pound
if you include
the bun, the pickle
and a cup of ketchup.
Well, alright, listeners, now
I say we're going to have to
boycott them Burger
Bungalow bandits.
Alright, now tell us about that
taste test you've been doing
to find the best doughnuts
in the tri-state area.
Well, Thelma, I am
going to leave that
to our panel of impartial judges
your son, Vinton, and
your grandson, Bubba.
Alright, boys, step right
on up here, get mic side.
Tell all my listeners
which doughnuts
you found to be the best.
Well, to me, the
winner has to be
the classic glazed doughnut
from the Doughnut Barn
in Hinckley.
Uh, I don't know
judge number one.
My vote goes to
Land Of Doughnuts
in Bundy for their
Crunchy Cruller.
Now, tell us about
those shops in Raytown.
How did they do?
Not even in the
running, grandma.
They were at the
bottom of my list.
Well, that figures.
Uh, mine too, judge number one.
I rated their doughnuts
dead last in size
taste and dunkability.
And they weren't
near greasy enough.
Well, alright, listeners,
I say what is this world
coming to when you have
got to cross the state line
to get yourself a
decent doughnut?
Raytown, this is for you.
Oh, alrighty.
And now it is time for
our beauty segment
"Beauty With Naomi."
For the past hour,
my gla-a-amorous
daughter-in-law Naomi
has been wearing
the new beauty mask
from Betty Lou's
skin care center.
- Where the hell is she?
- She's in the bathroom.
She's in her dressing room.
Uh, Naomi, could we see
the glowing results
of that facial?
No!
Naomi, haul it on out
here. It's beauty time!
Well, listeners,
good Lord, thank your
lucky stars this isn't TV.
Skeeter, what
happened? You look awful.
My skin is all
burning and itching.
That was the facial from hell!
Oh, no. I'm sorry, Betty Lou.
Thelma's going to
have to give you her
Nightmare-Of-The-Week Award.
Well, I see that's all the
time we have for today
but we will be back again
next week, and remember
I'm always here to
solve all your problems.
Wherever there are high
prices and bad service
I'll be there.
Wherever there are
scams, frauds, and rip-offs
I'll be there.
Wherever there's a box boy
who puts the canned
goods on top of the eggs,
or a mechanic who overhauls
your wallet instead of your car,
or a movie house
that charges six bucks
for broken seats
and sticky floors
and a screen the
size of a ticket stub
I'll be there.
Goodbye, friends,
and may the Lord bless
every one of you.
Oh! And we're clear.
Mama, that was beautiful.
Especially the
"I'll be there" part.
Oh, yeah?
Are you going to be there when I
rip Betty Lou's hair
out by the roots?
Oh, stop your whining.
It made for a hell of a show.
Uh, Thelma, we need to talk.
Oh, Harrison, I was just
thinking the same thing myself.
You know, I think that
this once-a-week gig
is not quite working
out, I need more air time.
I'm sorry. You're canceled.
What I see is
possibly a daily show
maybe three to four hours.
I think I could really
score during the drive time.
Thelma, it's over.
We pulled the plug.
And then I could
expand into late night
like Arsenio.
What do you mean, I'm canceled?
- You can't do that to my mama.
- Her ratings are great!
- And the people love her.
- Well, the sponsors hated her.
Our phone lines are
jammed with businesses
pulling their advertising
dollars from our station.
Quite frankly, we're losing
our shirt because of you.
You mean to tell me
that the almighty dollar
is more important than
the public's right to know?
I'm glad you understand.
We'll be back to pick up
our equipment tomorrow.
Have a nice day.
Well, it serves me right.
I never should have put
you deadbeats on my show.
Hey, don't blame us.
You were the one that had to be
tough Granny Harper.
I warned you about that, Thelma.
I guess we can kiss the
free doughnuts goodbye.
- Thanks a lot, Mama.
- Oh, can it!
Since this was
my final broadcast
I got a special sign-off
for a family like you.
is great, Aunt Naomi.
There's nothing
like pasta for lunch.
Thank you, Bubba. I do
have a way with Spaghetti-Os.
You know, it's not
just the food, Skeeter.
I can't put my finger on it
but there was something
different about this meal
that made it real nice.
Well, I am so mad,
I could just spit!
Oh, yeah, right.
How was shopping, Ms. Harper?
Well, Raymart wouldn't
take back this lousy blender.
But you just
bought it last week.
That didn't matter
to the store manager.
Thelma forgot to
keep her sales receipt.
I tell you what if this
stupid thing did work
I'd frappe his fanny.
Thelma, sit down
and cool off. Here.
The manager did
say you could take it
to the nearest
distributor for repairs.
There you go, Mama.
The nearest distributor
is in Nagasaki.
Well, I guess you're out
of luck then, Ms. Harper.
Hmm, not necessarily, grandma.
You could call that consumer
guy on the radio and complain.
You talking about "Chuck
Duval, the shopper's pal?"
Yeah, I think he's on right now.
Hey, I'll go get my radio.
Forget it, I'm not spending
my afternoon on hold
waiting for that consumer creep.
Well, you won't
have to, Mama, I will.
Well, that's a good idea, honey.
- This is going to be fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah, o-okay, the
number is 5-5-5 KRAY.
I cannot stand that guy.
He's never got any
good advice for anybody.
All he ever says is, "I can't
help you. Have a nice day."
Okay, everybody I
think this is KRAY.
Well, Evelyn, that's
a very sad story.
- Is that him?
- There's nothing I can do.
That's him.
Chuck, the engine blew up
on my way out of the dealership!
Ah, but you said you
bought the car as is.
Can't help you,
Evelyn. Have a nice day.
What did I tell you?
We'll be right back after this.
Say, why didn't
Chuck tell that lady
about the 72-hour law?
Yeah. What is the 72-hour law?
Oh, you know, Thelma, uh,
after every major purchase
you have 72 hours to
back out of the contract.
Oh, that 72-hour law.
Hello? Okay. Ha ha ha.
Mama, get on the
phone. You're next.
Oh, well, I don't want
to talk to that goof.
Of course you do, you're
going to be on the radio.
Yeah, hurry up, Thelma.
You'll lose your turn.
- Oh, alright.
- No, not in here, Mama.
You got to talk to
him in the living room
so we can turn up the radio.
Oh, for pity's sake.
Anything to keep
you morons happy.
Lord, this is ridiculous.
"Chuck Duval,
the shopper's pal."
Hello.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, Chuck?
No, this is Vint.
Vinton, wait, I'm trying
to talk to Chuck here!
Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello, you're on the air.
- This is Chuck.
- Mama, it's Chuck.
Vinton, I know who it is.
Get the hell off the phone!
- Hello, Chuck?
- Hello, go ahead, madam.
- It's only an hour show.
- Oh, oh, alright.
Hello, my name is Thelma Harper
and, uh, Raymart
sold me a bum blender
and now they don't want
to take the thing back.
Did you show them
your sales receipt?
I knew you were
going to ask me that.
Without it, Thelma, you
have no proof of purchase
therefore, I can't help you.
- Have a nice day.
- Hold it right there, mister!
You hang up on me, and
your nice days are numbered.
Now, Thelma, calm down. I-I
know what I'm talking about.
You don't know diddly.
How come you didn't
tell that poor Evelyn
about the 72-hour law?
Every idiot knows
about the 72-hour law.
Well, it must have
slipped my mind.
What mind?
And I never will
forget what you said
to that poor old man
whose hearing aid
was picking up the
police broadcast.
You said, "Don't
bother taking it back.
"Just join the
neighborhood watch."
I swear, Ralph Nader
ought to have you recalled.
And I'm going to
tell you something...
Boy, Mama,
you really gave it
to that shopper's pal.
Yeah, I was good, wasn't I?
Refreshments, anyone?
Oh, I'll say, Iola
there's nothing like
knocking some knucklehead
to raise a thirst.
Even so, Ms.
Harper, don't you think
you were a little bit
rough on that guy?
I let him off easy.
I felt sorry for him once
he started blubberin'.
I just hope he doesn't
sue you for slander.
Sue me?
Well, Thelma, you
did say, and I quote
"The way you stink
up the airwaves,
"someone should
check the expiration date
"on your brain."
Oh, grandma definitely
grounds for slander.
Well, thank you, Bubba Wapner.
I spoke my mind
and I'm going to stand by it.
Excuse me.
- I'm looking for Thelma Harper.
- That's me.
Oh, well, I'm sorry for
coming by unannounced
but your phone's
been busy all afternoon.
Oh, we had to
take it off the hook.
Everybody and his brother
has been calling my mama
to congratulate her.
- I was on the radio.
- I know.
I'm Harrison Aldrich
station manager at KRAY Radio.
K-K-KRAY?
Uh, yes, your performance today
caused quite a
stir, ah, so much so
that I talked things
over with our lawyer...
I didn't mean it! I didn't
mean a word! I take it all back.
She is old, her mind wanders.
I-it was temporary insanity
due to a broken blender.
Hey, it wasn't her fault.
You can't take my mama
away, it's her first offense.
What are you
people talking about?
Mr. Aldrich, please
don't sue me.
Sue you? Ha ha ha!
I want to hire you as KRAY's
new consumer advocate.
- Me?
- What happened to Chuck Duval?
Oh, no problem.
Our lawyers found a
loophole in his contract.
He's out. You're in.
But, Mr. Aldrich, I'm
not a radio personality.
I'm just a simple homemaker.
Well, that's the beauty of it.
Our core audience
consists of women just like you.
Demographically,
you're a gold mine.
Congratulations, Ms. Harper.
I always knew that
big mouth of yours
would pay off someday.
Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Aldrich.
I'm very flattered, but
I'm afraid the answer is no.
My place is here.
Of course, it is.
Perfect, Thelma,
a touch of genius.
A high concept...
A homemaker, broadcasting
from her own home!
Talk about promotability.
This is all going a
little bit too fast for me.
Would you mind spelling
this out in plain English?
- The job pays $400 a week.
- It's a done deal.
Alright. Way to go, grandma...
Testing, testing.
One, one, one. Ahem.
Here, now, when
Thelma's ready to take a call
what do you do?
Uh, push this button
and point this finger.
Right. That's called cueing.
"Cueing." Huh huh.
Radio talk.
You really think Vinton
can handle this job?
- Oh, a child could do it.
- I know, but can he?
Don't worry. Everybody's
been adequately trained.
Remember, it's all
part of the concept
the homemaker as
star with her family
and friends as the
production team.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just hope
they don't make me look bad.
Well, now, if there
are any problems
I'll be out in the sound truck.
- Have a good show, everyone!
- Thank you.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Aldrich.
Isn't this exciting?
Good Lord, what the
hell are you doing here?
Well, Ms. Harper, don't
you want to look your best
for your professional debut?
Naomi, this is radio.
I could do this
thing in my bloomers
and nobody would be the wiser.
Okay, I got all your
cue cards done, T.H.
Well, thank you, I.B.
Hey, we even worked
out some hand signals
to let you know how much
time you have left, okay?
This means three minutes
this means two minutes...
Hold it right there, mister.
You give me that one minute
you're gonna get your
clock punched out.
Mama, they just
said to stand by.
Alright, everybody,
man your battle stations.
Okay, stay calm, Thelma.
Well, what is there
to be nervous about?
I'm in my own home
surrounded by my beloved family.
Goodnight!
That's the spirit, Thelma.
So what if every word you say
can be heard by thousands
and thousands of people?
Oh, my Lord.
Hello, you're on
the air with Thelma.
- No, that's our phone, grandma.
- Oh, for heaven sakes.
Why would somebody
be calling me now?
Hello, I can't talk now,
I'm about to go on the air.
Roselle, I don't have time
to give you my recipe
for divinity fudge.
- Thelma, get ready.
- Now, will you listen to me?
In five, four, three...
- Roselle - Two.
Get your fat butt off my phone!
Ms. Harper, you are on the air.
Uh...
And that is what I always
say to those pushy people
who try to call me and
sell me things I don't want.
Get out of my face.
Hello, this is Thelma Harper
and I am your new
consumer advocate.
And I believe in
shooting from the hip
so if you have any
gripes or problems
you just give me a call.
I'm waiting for you.
What the hell are
you pointing at?
- Mama, you got a call.
- What?
Why didn't you just say so?
Hello, you're on
the air with Thelma!
Thelma, I'm Ida Travis
and I'm having
my roof reshingled
by Purvis Brothers Roofing...
Say no more, Ida,
sweetie, I know
exactly what you
are going through.
Those boys say they're
gonna be there first thing
Monday morning, they don't
show up till Thursday afternoon.
Well, that's right!
How did you know?
Well, they tried to pull the
same damn thing with me
two years ago, and
I just wouldn't take it.
Oh, oh, really? What did you do?
You called the better
business bureau?
No, hell no, I went
right to the top
their mother.
I tell you, that woman
could put the fear of God
into the Incredible Hulk.
Now you just look
up Earlene Purvis
she's listed in your
book, and I'm telling you
your roofing
problems will be over.
Oh, Thelma, how
can I ever thank you?
Well, you just
keep listening, hon,
and tell all your friends.
- Okay!
- Knock it off!
Uh, we'll be right back
after this commercial break.
Ha ha! You did it, grandma.
You were cogent,
wise, and pithy.
You sure gave those
Purvis Brothers what for!
Yeah, ha ha, hey, the
board is really lighting up.
Thelma, you're a natural.
You sound like you've
been doing this for years.
Well, if there's one thing
I've had plenty of practice at
it's telling people what to do.
Way to go, grandma.
Ready to go, Uncle Vint!
Back her up, Bubba.
Okay, good buddy
here it comes.
I got a shovelful
of gravel for ya.
Will you cut that out?
Mama...
Mama, look what you made me do.
Now my marbles
are all over the floor.
You lost your marbles
years ago, Vinton.
Now, come on, quit
playing with the damn toys
we got a production
meeting here.
We're not playing, grandma,
we're testing 'em
out for child safety.
Yeah, and our conclusion is
they are perfectly safe.
Ow!
Oh, terrific, that
steam shovel is faulty
we could have a story
there, now come on over here.
Knock, knock! Oh, I hope
I'm not late for the meeting.
I was preparing my food report.
Oh, what you got
there, Ms. Boylen?
I have a dozen doughnuts.
I hit every doughnut shop
between here and Hinckley.
Uh, wouldn't it have been easier
just to buy them all
in the same place?
You doughnut hole.
She is doing a
comparison taste test
to find the best doughnuts
in the tri-state area.
And after our meetin', you two
boys can be my taste-testers.
Oh, boy! Toys and doughnuts.
- Talk about your job perks.
- Oh, where's Naomi?
Oh, she's downstairs trying
out that new beauty mask from
Betty Lou's skin care center
so we will start without her.
Now listen up...
I think it is time
that we breathe some
new life into this show.
But we've only been
on the air two weeks.
Well, I know, but I
don't want to get stale.
I want production values.
I want sound effects and music.
I want to go after every
business in Raytown.
Oh, Thelma, do
you think that's wise?
Iola, people love me
because I am a fighter.
I'm telling you, from now
on, I'm taking the gloves off.
No more nice Granny Harper.
Gee, Mama, when were you nice?
I have always been
nice, dope-face!
Now can the small talk,
we got a show to plan here.
- Naomi!
- Coming!
Ha ha.
Naomi, that's a beauty mask?
Yuh-huh, this is Betty
Lou's own secret formula.
It's made of spinach,
kelp, and wheatgrass.
Naomi, you look like
a walking salad bar.
Ha ha ha, looks more
like a close encounter
of the slime kind.
Skeeter, take me to your leader.
Oh, no, don't make me
laugh! Don't make me laugh!
Now, you three, quit
making fun of Naomi.
She's only going through all
of this for the good of the show.
- Thank you, Ms. Harper.
- You're welcome.
Now hop on that chair, Kermit.
Well, thank you so
much for that call, Louella
and we will get right on this.
Alright, listeners, this
time Ned's Gas-And-Go
has gone a little bit too far.
It is one thing when they
switch over to that self-serve,
but when they put in one
of those damn mini-marts
and take out the restrooms
I say that is criminal.
Ned, this is what
Thelma thinks of you.
Alright, and now it's
time for our food report
"Eating Out With Iola."
Come and get it.
So tell me, neighbor
what you got on
your menu for today?
Well, Thelma, I am going
to blow the Styrofoam lid
off the junk food
industry in this town.
Well, I say it is about time.
Let us start with Mr. Cookie.
Now he claims to
use 16 chocolate chips
in each of his cookies
but your food reporter
has discovered
that he only uses eight.
He cuts them in half.
Oh, Mr. Cookie.
Looks like we're going to
have to toss your cookies.
Yeah! What else you got there?
Well, the Burger Bungalow.
Their quarter-pound burger
actually only weighs
a quarter pound
if you include
the bun, the pickle
and a cup of ketchup.
Well, alright, listeners, now
I say we're going to have to
boycott them Burger
Bungalow bandits.
Alright, now tell us about that
taste test you've been doing
to find the best doughnuts
in the tri-state area.
Well, Thelma, I am
going to leave that
to our panel of impartial judges
your son, Vinton, and
your grandson, Bubba.
Alright, boys, step right
on up here, get mic side.
Tell all my listeners
which doughnuts
you found to be the best.
Well, to me, the
winner has to be
the classic glazed doughnut
from the Doughnut Barn
in Hinckley.
Uh, I don't know
judge number one.
My vote goes to
Land Of Doughnuts
in Bundy for their
Crunchy Cruller.
Now, tell us about
those shops in Raytown.
How did they do?
Not even in the
running, grandma.
They were at the
bottom of my list.
Well, that figures.
Uh, mine too, judge number one.
I rated their doughnuts
dead last in size
taste and dunkability.
And they weren't
near greasy enough.
Well, alright, listeners,
I say what is this world
coming to when you have
got to cross the state line
to get yourself a
decent doughnut?
Raytown, this is for you.
Oh, alrighty.
And now it is time for
our beauty segment
"Beauty With Naomi."
For the past hour,
my gla-a-amorous
daughter-in-law Naomi
has been wearing
the new beauty mask
from Betty Lou's
skin care center.
- Where the hell is she?
- She's in the bathroom.
She's in her dressing room.
Uh, Naomi, could we see
the glowing results
of that facial?
No!
Naomi, haul it on out
here. It's beauty time!
Well, listeners,
good Lord, thank your
lucky stars this isn't TV.
Skeeter, what
happened? You look awful.
My skin is all
burning and itching.
That was the facial from hell!
Oh, no. I'm sorry, Betty Lou.
Thelma's going to
have to give you her
Nightmare-Of-The-Week Award.
Well, I see that's all the
time we have for today
but we will be back again
next week, and remember
I'm always here to
solve all your problems.
Wherever there are high
prices and bad service
I'll be there.
Wherever there are
scams, frauds, and rip-offs
I'll be there.
Wherever there's a box boy
who puts the canned
goods on top of the eggs,
or a mechanic who overhauls
your wallet instead of your car,
or a movie house
that charges six bucks
for broken seats
and sticky floors
and a screen the
size of a ticket stub
I'll be there.
Goodbye, friends,
and may the Lord bless
every one of you.
Oh! And we're clear.
Mama, that was beautiful.
Especially the
"I'll be there" part.
Oh, yeah?
Are you going to be there when I
rip Betty Lou's hair
out by the roots?
Oh, stop your whining.
It made for a hell of a show.
Uh, Thelma, we need to talk.
Oh, Harrison, I was just
thinking the same thing myself.
You know, I think that
this once-a-week gig
is not quite working
out, I need more air time.
I'm sorry. You're canceled.
What I see is
possibly a daily show
maybe three to four hours.
I think I could really
score during the drive time.
Thelma, it's over.
We pulled the plug.
And then I could
expand into late night
like Arsenio.
What do you mean, I'm canceled?
- You can't do that to my mama.
- Her ratings are great!
- And the people love her.
- Well, the sponsors hated her.
Our phone lines are
jammed with businesses
pulling their advertising
dollars from our station.
Quite frankly, we're losing
our shirt because of you.
You mean to tell me
that the almighty dollar
is more important than
the public's right to know?
I'm glad you understand.
We'll be back to pick up
our equipment tomorrow.
Have a nice day.
Well, it serves me right.
I never should have put
you deadbeats on my show.
Hey, don't blame us.
You were the one that had to be
tough Granny Harper.
I warned you about that, Thelma.
I guess we can kiss the
free doughnuts goodbye.
- Thanks a lot, Mama.
- Oh, can it!
Since this was
my final broadcast
I got a special sign-off
for a family like you.