Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 20 - Bye Bye Baby - full transcript

In the Series Finale, Mama is trying to calm Naomi down, who freaks out when Vint leaves her to go to work. Mama tells her the story of how great Carl was when Vint was born. Ofcourse she's lieing just to make Naomi feel better. She then tells Iola the real story. Seems she had to take the bus to the hospital when Carl refused to come out of the bathroom, as she went into to labor. Bubba, who's trying to make the college Water Polo team is driving Mama nuts by running up and down the stairs, when Naomi finally goes into labor, after seemingly being pregnant forever, but she refuses to go to the hospital until she gets her hot curler's. Vint who gets home just then, goes to get the car and panics and smashes his pickup into Mama's car, then promptly passes out when Mama tells him to calm down. Bubba (who made the Water Polo team) and Iola show up a little later and hear a baby cry coming from the trailer. As it turns out Mama had to deliver the baby, and now they need to pick a name for the Harper's newest addition, a beautiful girl. Vint suggest's they call it Thelma, but Naomi wants to name it Tiffany. They compromise and name it Tiffany Thelma.

Knock, knock!

Back here, Iola!

Thelma, I'm returning your
"National Geographics."

Daddy fixed the leg on the sofa.

Watch your step, there.

Welcome to TWP.

Thelma's Water and Power.

Oh, my goodness, don't
tell me Vint and Naomi

have added more extension cords.

Yeah, I tell you what,
that trailer of theirs

has logged more
kilowatt-hours than miles.



Thelma, you're not
gonna finish that outfit

before the baby arrives unless
you shift your crochet hook

into overdrive.

Boy, don't know I know it.

If Naomi was carryin'
that baby any lower

it'd kick her in the shins.

How about givin' me
a little hand, here?

Oh, no can do.

I got my own baby
project to finish.

A set of Mother Goose
pictures, suitable for framin'.

I can see it all now.

Humpty Dumpty
fallin' off a felt wall.

No-no, I've gone about
as far as I can with felt.

I'm into a whole new medium now.



Dryer lint.

Well, thank goodness
it isn't bellybutton lint

or we'd all be in trouble.

Every time I wanna take
a shower, it never fails.

Uncle Vint, quit
hoggin' all the hot water.

Hey, you're gonna
be in hot water

if you don't pipe down!

And take off that
stupid shower cap!

Grandma, this is
my water polo cap.

I'm tryin' out for the team

and I wanna test
it out underwater.

Hey, Bubba, don't worry,
the hot water's all yours.

Thank you.

Just as soon as Naomi
is finished shampooin'

conditionin', and
cream-rinsin' her hair.

Well, Bubba, by the time
she's tamed those frizzies

you'll be needin'
orthopedic Speedos.

Well, I guess I'll just try
my cap out at the pool.

Why's he wearin' a
shower cap to the pool?

It's for water polo, Vint.

Water polo. I never
understood that sport.

How do they get the horses to
hold their breath underwater?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, stop it.

I got more important things
for you to worry about, mister.

Here, I've drawn you a map.

This is the quickest
way for you to get Naomi

from here to the hospital.

I ain't leavin'
anything to chance...

or to you.

- Good thinkin', mama.
- Yeah.

I want this birth to
come off without a hitch.

Well, it already has a hitch.

My baby is two days overdue.

Oh, now, take it
easy, little mother.

First babies usually
like to take their time.

Oh, she's right, Naomi.

Look at Marge Crenwinkle.

I believe her Harlen was
a whole month overdue.

That's right. That kid came
out, went right into Little League.

Is that supposed to
make me feel better?

Well, here's somethin' that'll
make you feel better, Skeeter.

Muah!

- I'll see you later.
- Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Down to Kwik-Keys.

Well, honey, I got to
make money for the baby.

Oh, fine! Go ahead, have fun!

Grind keys to your
heart's content.

I'll just sit here
in this tin can

like a great, big, fat sardine!

Thanks, I knew you'd understand.

You know, Naomi, you're
gonna be a mother now.

You gotta start learnin' how
to make guilt work for you.

Nothing works with him.

He doesn't care.

How could he desert
me at a time like this?

Oh, this is just the
way Ridge left Raven

on "Wild And The Wonderful."

Of course, she needed
a kidney transplant.

You stay out of this, Iola.

And just don't you fret, Naomi.

You can always count
on the Harper men

when push comes to shove.

Oh, well, so to speak.

You see, I remember when I
was waitin' to have my first baby.

There was nobody in the
world more scared than I was.

Ohh.

Hello?

I'm awfully sorry to
bother you at work, Carl.

I know how busy you are but
these darn silly contractions

seem to be comin'
quicker and quicker.

You gave up your
lunch hour for me?

Oh, Carl, you are too wonderful.

Please hurry home.

I'm here, darling.

I'm sorry it took so long.

Oh, Carl, flowers, candy.

Ooh, pain.

Be brave, honey bunch.

I'll take care of everything.

I've already alerted the doctor.

And, of course, I have
your bag all packed.

And there's a cab
waitin' out front

so I can sit in the backseat
with you and hold your hand.

How did I ever manage
to get you for a husband?

Just by being your
own sweet self.

Ohh. I think we better hurry.

Oh, chin up, princess.

Before you know
it, we'll be home

with our little bundle of joy.

I'm so happy.

All three of us are.

So, you see, Naomi

those Harper men
always come through.

Oh, I feel so much better now.

Sure you do, now you
just run on back inside here

and dry your hair to
your heart's content.

To hell with that electric bill.

Oh, things are
really looking up.

I just know today my
hair will hold a curl.

Thelma, you never told me

Carl was such a
knight in shinin' armor.

Hell, he was more like
a bum in a dirty T-shirt.

And I tell you what, I was
one big pig in a blanket.

Thelma, then you lied to Naomi?

Well, I had to. I can't
tell her the awful truth

about the Harper men.

Not in her condition.

Well, what really
happened with Carl?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, it was an overcast day.

I was feelin' the
pains of the damned.

Carl was off God knows where.

Ohh!

Mother, I already called
Carl down at the loadin' dock

but they said that
he left work early.

You know, mother,
I really resent that.

Where do you get off
sayin' that my husband

is down at the Bigger
Jigger boozin' it up

while his wife is in labor?

Besides, that's the
first place I checked.

Oh, it sounds like
his old clunker now.

Mother, I don't care
if Niedermayer's

is on the way to the hospital

I ain't got time to stop

and buy you a waffle iron!

Well, glory be.

I see the prodigal
spouse has returned.

Hey! Don't start up.

I had a hard day.

Doin' what?

You left work at noon!

Okay, I've had a hard half-day.

Where the hell's
the sports page?

Carl, I am about to
give birth to your baby

and all you care about
is the damn sports page?

This is for the baby!

I wanna check the odds on
the seventh race at Ray Downs.

Another one of your long shots.

Well, sometimes you can
get lucky pickin' long shots.

Yeah, that's what I
told mother about you!

Hell, I knew I had a
loser right outta the gate!

Well, I didn't exactly wind
up in the winner's circle

pickin' an egg like you.

How did I ever manage
to get you for a husband?

Just by being your
own sweet self.

Carl, you come out
of that bathroom!

Pipe down! I just
found the sports page.

Carl, it is time to get
ready to go to the hospital!

Hey, I'm carryin' a baby!

Do I have to carry my
own damn suitcase too?

What did I tell you?
Seabucket is 40 to 1!

Fine! Don't bother to get up!

Heaveho, Thelma.

Ohh! Carl, hurry!

This is it! Carl!

In a minute.

Now, Carl!!

Never mind! Don't
strain yourself!

I'll just take the bus!

Ahh!

Oh, Thelma, you really had
to take the bus to the hospital?

Well, actually,
it was the trolley.

It wasn't so bad though.

There was an old lady
who gave me her seat.

Oh, what a sad story.

I'm tellin' you what,
everyone at my pregnancies

made me a nervous wreck.

That's why I wanna make sure

that Naomi's is stress-free.

Mrs. Harper, I
think we blew a fuse.

Oh, Naomi.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

All I had going
was my hair dryer

my foot massager, and
my electric facial sauna.

Well, I'm glad you're
tryin' to conserve.

I'll just go change the fuse

if I can through
circuit city here.

Bubba, will you
make up your mind?

Either go up or down.

All this indecision
is drivin' me crazy.

Grandma, I gotta build up

my leg strength for
that water polo tryout.

I'm gonna build
up my leg strength

by kickin' you in
the butt. Now, stop it!

Knock, knock!

Oh, Thelma, I finished the
dryer lint picture for the baby.

Oh, aren't you creative!

What have you created?

Well, it's Mary and her
little lamb, of course.

Oh, I get it.

This pink blob's Mary and
this gray blob's the lamb.

Well, how come that lamb
is so much bigger than Mary?

Well, I had more gray lint.

I washed mother's
leg warmers today.

Well, uh, I'm off to the pool.

Oh, good luck, Bubba.

Hope things go swimmingly.

Ha ha ha.

Well, I gotta go too.

Gotta get off to the Laundromat.

- At this hour?
- Well, exactly.

This time of
night the lint trays

on those heavy-duty
dryers are loaded.

So are most of the customers.

Alone at last.

Now maybe I can get this
darn baby bonnet finished.

Mama... you, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure. I could use a break.

So... how did Naomi take it

when you told her I
had to work late tonight?

Well, like a trooper.

Lucky for you, I
told her a pack of lies

and that seemed
to calm her down.

- Thanks, mama.
- Now, you listen to me.

You have got to start being
a little more understandin'

of a woman who's
about to have a baby.

You gotta be more sensitive.

Vinton, where are you?

I'm in the livin' room.

Oh, Vinton, you
remember, sensitive.

Sensitive, got it.

Naomi, you look awful.

That's my boy.

I don't feel very good, either.

Uh-oh. What's the matter?

I think it's time.

Time? For what?

- The baby?
- Ohh!

Oh, sure is Ellen Miller time.

Ohh!

Alright, now,
everybody stay calm.

We're gonna get
you to the hospital

in plenty of time, Naomi.

I got everything written
down on my little list.

Where the hell
is that little list?

Alright, never mind.
Vinton, go get the suitcase.

Right, suitcase. Check!

The other way, you ninny!

Right. Other way. Check!

Alright, I-I'm gonna
call the doctor.

Wait, I forgot the
most important thing.

Your checkbook? Your
medical insurance card?

No, my hot rollers!

Your hot what?

Yeah, Mrs. Harper, I don't
want my baby seeing its mother

for the very first time

looking like something
the cat dragged in.

Well, Good Lord, either
way that kid's in for a shock.

Oh, alright. Here we go.

This is the cutest
number for an obstetrician.

555-BABY.

Hello. I need to
speak to Dr. Mahanna.

This is an emergency.

Well, I don't care if he is
watching "Doogie Howser."

Get him on the line!

Lord, I hope this bozo's
old enough to shave.

Hello, Dr. Mahanna, Naomi's
about to have her baby.

What do you mean, "Naomi who?"

The cheap blonde in
the leopard-skin jumpsuit.

That's right. Naomi Harper.

Yeah, now you grab
your little black bag.

Get down to Saint Ray's
on the double. Alright.

Okay, everything is
under control here.

Mama, get out here quick!

Well, what the...

- Mama!
- I hear ya!

So does everybody in the
whole damn neighborhood!

Mama!

Mama, Naomi's goin' crazy.

She said the baby's
ready, really ready!

What should I do?
What should I do?

- What should I do?
- Alright, alright, stop it!

The first thing to do

is to stop saying
"What should I do?"

Right. Check!

- Now what?
- Go start the pickup.

Right, pickup. Check!

The other way!

Alright, the other way. Check!

Lord, help him.

Naomi, it's time
to hit the road!

Alright, sweetie.

We're gonna go
to the hospital now.

Dr. Mahanna's gonna
be waiting for you.

Just, uh, just let me take
those hot rollers from you.

No, I have to hold them.

Sure you do, sweetie.

Uh, Naomi, I just
want you to know that

everything is gonna
go smooth as silk.

Or maybe not.

What was that?

Well, that was probably
the Whittaker's dog

rattling around
in the trash cans.

Little Foo-Foo?

You know, you take
the rhinestone collar

off that poodle,
he's a holy terror.

Mama!

I smashed the pickup.

And you said it was Foo-Foo!

Alright, now, there's
no need to panic here.

Just go get my car.

That's what I smashed into.

You lead-footed lunkhead!

Alright, okay, alright, we're
still not gonna panic here.

Run and call an ambulance.

No, there's no time!

- The baby's coming!
- What?

Oh, mama, the baby's
comin'! The baby's comin'!

I know! I know! I know!

Now, you... you relax.

Right, check.

Just relax.

Well, the man thrives
under pressure.

Mrs. Harper, this is it!

Are you sure?

Ow!

Just askin'. Alright,
don't you worry.

Why, down on the farm I
helped our Salrita Rose deliver

four of the cutest little
litters of piglets you ever saw.

Grandma!

Vint! Naomi!

This is really
weird, Miss Boylen.

Two wrecked cars
and nobody's home.

Well, where could they be?

We've looked everywhere.

Except there.

Hey, come on, you two.

You're just in time
for visitin' hours.

Ooh, how sweet.

Looks like I got
myself a new cousin.

Yeah. I think it's time to
wake up the proud papa.

Vinton, rise and shine.

Oh! What should I do, mama?

Get the car? Boil hot water?

Forget it, Mr. Midwife.

Honey, come on over here

and see your little
surprise package.

It's a beautiful baby... girl.

No kiddin'?

A girl?

It's just what I wanted,
a girl... or a boy.

Hi, baby.

Looks like Vinton's finally
found someone to talk to.

I'm just so amazed that
you and Naomi delivered

that little sweetheart
by yourselves.

Yeah, and I thought

makin' the water polo
team was a big deal.

Now, listen, Bubba,
Naomi and the baby

are gonna have to go get
checked out with the hospital.

So, you go call an ambulance.

- Oh, sure thing, grandma.
- Alright.

Iola, go get that layette
I've been workin' on.

I want this kid
to travel in style.

You got it, doc.

Oh, Mrs. Harper, I
know I could never have

had her without your help.

What can Vinton and I
ever do to repay you?

I know.

We can name the baby after mama.

We'll call her Thelma.

I was thinking
more along the lines

of a bottle of Jean Nate.

Well, son, I think
it is a lovely idea.

But I had my heart set
on calling her Tiffany.

Oh!

Skeeter, we'll call
her Tiffany Thelma.

Oh, well, alright.

Nobody will ever use
her middle name anyway.

I will.

I better go call Dr. Mahanna
and tell him what happened.

And I think I'll
have a little nap.

Hmm.

That's a good idea.

You get some rest

and I'll just hold
Little Thelma, here.

Little Tiffany.

Thelma.

Tiffany.

Well, Little Thelma

I got to apologize
to you, sweetie.

We really goofed.

I wanted you to
come into this world

in a nice, bright hospital room

and you made your grand entrance

in this tacky chicken coop.

But I suppose
it's all for the best.

You might as well see what
you're in for right off the bat.

Let's face it, sweetie,

your parents aren't the
smartest people in the world...

or the richest...

or the classiest...

or the most ambitious or...

Well, I could go on and on,
but you get the picture, sweetie.

One thing I do
know, Little Thelma

those two knuckleheads
are gonna love you to pieces.

'Cause if they don't,
I'm gonna be around

to kick 'em in the butt.

So, happy birthday, Baby Thelma.

Maybe you can make
the world a better place.

Shoot, you already have.

The doctor's standin' by.

And the ambulance is on its way.

Here's the layette, Thelma.

Look, darlin', look,
Mary and a little lamb.

Get that ugly thing
out of her face!

You're scarin' Baby Thelma!

It's Tiffany.

Well, why don't we let
her decide for herself?

What the hell kind of a
name is Tiffany anyway?

Well, Little Thelma, you
better get used to people yellin'

because you are a Harper now.