Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 2 - An Affair to Forget - full transcript

Vinton, can't you just
pour it like everybody else?

There's a Tyrannosaurus
Rex in here.

It'll complete my
dinosaur collection.

And you told me you wanted
this junk for the high fiber.

Grandma, could you
iron this shirt for me?

I got a date with
Becky Spencer tonight.

Oh, I thought Terry
Gephardt was your girlfriend.

Well, she is.

If I play my cards right,
Becky Spencer will be, too.

Oh! You sly dog!

That sly dog better watch out



or he's gonna wind up neutered.

Grandma, Terry and I
have an understanding.

We're both allowed
to see other people.

Oh, yeah? Is Terry
seeing other people?

Why should she? She's got me.

You two-timing low
life. Eat your Dino Puffs.

Oh, now, let Bubba have his fun

while he's still young.

Before you know it

he'll be tied down to
that old ball and chain.

You better not let Naomi
hear you talking like that.

Where is the old ball and chain?

She's still getting
herself together.

When is she gonna finish?



Skeeter, come on over here

and sit down. Sit down, hon.

How do you feel, sweetheart?

Like a piece of chewed string.

I know what will
make you feel better.

When I get home
from work tonight

what do you say I give you
my special hot oil massage?

You stay out of my Wesson.

I'm frying chicken tomorrow.

Oh, baby, that
will be wonderful.

Me and my tight little muscles

will be holding our breath.

Oh...

Darn it!

I forgot, I got to
work late tonight.

Again? You've worked
late every night this week.

Overtime means more
money for the baby.

I know, but it's also

more time that I have
to spend all by myself.

Well, I can't help
it, sweetheart.

I'm still breaking
in that new trainee.

You spend more
time with that trainee

than you do with your own wife.

Hey! There's something
green in my cereal!

Oh, here! Gimmie,
gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!

My Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Look, Skeeter.

Grrr!

I've been waiting for
this little guy for ages.

Well, I hope the two of
you will be very happy.

Oh, gosh.

Is she gonna be like
this for nine months?

Just be glad she's
not an elephant.

What is taking you so long
to break in that new trainee?

Well, there is more
to locksmithing

than meets the eye.

And I guess Heather isn't
exactly a rocket scientist,

huh, Uncle Vint?

Heather?

Yeah, she's the new trainee.

Does your wife know
that you've been working

late nights with a woman?

No, not exactly.

Uncle Vint thought it
would be best not to tell her.

Well, isn't Uncle
Vint the diplomat?

Well, Naomi has
been so touchy lately

I didn't want to upset her.

And like Uncle Vint says

what she doesn't
know won't hurt her.

- Or him.
- Catch you later.

Now, Mama, I
really don't want you

breathing a word of
this to Naomi, okay?

Fine by me. It's
none of my business.

Okay. Thanks, Mama.

Well, I am off to work.

Far be it from me to
interfere in my children's life.

You're an adult, you
can do as you please.

Hey, get back here.

You're forgetting your
binky bunny lunchbox.

Thelma, are you sure
you're doing that right?

Iola, I was making
booties before you had feet.

What the hell is Vinton
doing out this late?

I've never known
him to work this long.

Well, a locksmith
is just like a doctor

on call 24 hours a day.

I hope he's not working
on his bedside manner.

Ms. Harper, I can't find Vinton.

I've been calling Kwik-keys

for an hour and a half,
and there is no answer.

Well, he's probably out
on the job. It's Friday night.

Everybody locks themselves
out of their car on Friday night.

Oh, don't make excuses for him.

I know perfectly
well what is going on.

- You do?
- Yes.

He's staying away from me
because of the way I look!

I've put a quarter of an
inch on around my waist,

my ankles are all swollen.

I'm retaining more water
than the Hoover Dam!

Well, think positive.

You're a good three months
away from stretch marks.

Oh, my god!

Oh, Naomi, what
you're going through

is perfectly natural.

Oprah did a show
on it just last week.

There you go, Iola.
What did she say?

Well, if memory serves

she said that 36.5%
of all married men

lose interest in
their pregnant wives.

I knew it! I knew it!

- Will you stop helping?
- Well, fine.

If you need me, I'll be
in the little girls' room.

Naomi, sweetie you're
getting all upset over nothing.

Nothing is right.

Ms. Harper, Vinton hasn't
touched me for four days.

Well, see now, that's

one of the great things
about being pregnant.

Men don't bother you.

But I want to be bothered!

Except he would rather
spend his evenings

with the new trainee.

Now, that's just your
hormones talking little mother.

Now, the two of you
run on downstairs

and get some rest.

All right.

Did you hear that, sweet pea?

Your grandmother says
it's time for beddy-bye.

Well, I'm probably
worrying over nothing, too.

After all, a man is innocent
until he's proven guilty.

I ain't got a shred of evidence.

Thelma, look what I
found on the wash stand.

Isn't that Vint's wedding ring?

Uh-oh.

Now it's exhibit "a".

You mean, Vint's
trainee is a woman?

Yep. Heather.

And have you ever known
a Heather that wasn't trash?

Now, Thelma, don't
jump to conclusions.

Just because Vint's
lost interest in his wife

works late every
night with a woman

and leaves home
without his wedding ring.

Oh, my lord, he's guilty as sin.

Exactly.

Well, are you going
to have a talk with him?

No, I won't have to.

I'm just going to
give him the look.

What do you mean, "the look"?

I know my children.

All I have to do is
give them the look

and they always confess.

Once, when Eunice
was 10 years old

she wouldn't admit
that she knocked

the head off my lawn
jockey with her croquet mallet.

All I did was give her the look.

The whole story
came blubbering out.

Oh, Thelma, that's ridiculous.

You can't make someone confess

just by looking at them.

Alright, I took your
Teflon muffin tin.

I was going to return it.

I rest my case.

Hi, mama.

Iola.

Well, Vinton, so, have you
been working all this time?

Well, sure, what else?

I don't know,
Vinton, you tell me.

Mama, is there something
wrong with your eyes?

No, they're just a little tired

from waiting up
for my darling son.

So, have you and Heather
been down at Kwik-Keys

this whole time?

No, we spent half the
night at the Ray Motel.

My word!

Mm-hmm.

So, son, tell me all about it.

Well, this little kid locked
himself in the bathroom, and we

thought we were going to
have to drill to get him out

but I left the drill
bits in the shop.

And by the time Heather
got back with them

the little stinker decided
to come out on his own.

Oh, well, boys will be boys.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, I believe I'll grab me a
snack before I hit the old hay.

There, you see, Thelma?

It appears your
suspicions were groundless.

Don't tell me you fell for that

"kid locked in the bathroom
forgot the drill bits" routine.

That's the oldest
trick in the book.

Well, I would love
to pursue this further

but I better get home before
the TV station signs off.

If mother hears "The
Star-Spangled Banner"

she'll try to stand up.

Well, I guess it's time
for me to go in here

and turn that look up a notch.

Eat up, sweetie!

Does a mother's heart
good to see her son

enjoying her home cooking.

I thought this was
from the Colonel.

Well, I took it out
of the bucket myself.

So, son, now
that we're all alone

is there anything that
you would like to tell me?

I love you, mama?

Oh, I give up.

Oh, Vinton, you're home!

Oh, how is my great,
big, strong working man?

Oh, Skeeter, I'm beat.

Well, I got something
that's going to wake you up.

I could go downstairs and
put on my leopard-skin nightie

with the see-through spots.

No safari tonight, sweetheart.

Jungle Jim needs his sleep.

Oh, come on, bwana,
this native is restless!

Oh, will you cool it,
bimbo of the jungle?

Why, Vinton, your
wedding ring, it's gone!

Well, gee, that's funny.

I didn't even notice.

You didn't notice? But that band

of gold is the symbol
of our love. Where is it?

Well, I don't know, Skeeter.

- I must have misplaced it.
- You've misplaced our love?

Well, I didn't mean
to! It's been a long day!

Oh! I knew he didn't
love me anymore!

Oh, Skeeter! I
will... Skee... Oh!

Pickles!

What could I have
done with that ring?

Maybe you left it
in the bathroom!

Well, oh mama, you found it.

Why didn't you say
something before?

Because I didn't want Naomi to
know the reason you took it off.

You didn't want her to know
I was washing my hands?

Just go to bed!

Skeeter!

I found our love!

It was in the bathroom!

Lord, he's slick.

Knock, knock!

Here, Thelma, I brought
your muffin tin back.

So what happened
after I left last night?

Oh, Iola, I'm so
upset over Vinton

I can't even think straight.

That would explain the bootie.

Well, hell, I'll just turn
them into leg warmers!

I'll see you later, grandma.
I'm going out for lunch.

Oh, yeah, who's
the date du jour?

Terry, but if Becky calls,
just say I'm at the library.

I am not going to lie for you

and especially
such a flimsy one.

It's not a lie, grandma.

Terry's gonna return a book
on our way to Burger World.

See ya!

I swear.

He's just as two-faced
as his Uncle Vinton.

Oh, you still think Vint is
stepping out on Naomi?

I'm sure of it,
things were so chilly

between the two
of them at breakfast

I couldn't even keep
the pop tarts warm!

Ms. Harper, where is the ham?

Well, I believe it is
in that big pink box

that we call the
refrigerator, why?

Oh, I've been so
mean to Vinton lately

that I decided that
I'm going to pack

a picnic lunch and take it down

and surprise him
with it at work.

Uh, no! You can't!

- Why not?
- Uh, well, uh, Vinton, uh.

Vinton's too busy for a
picnic and he hates surprises.

Nonsense.

You know, I read in
Cosmo that you have to do

surprising, fun things to
liven up your marriage.

So that's why we're going to
have a romantic rendezvous

in the mall right next
to the petting zoo.

Iola, we gotta get down to
that mall and warn Vinton.

Well, what do we
do, what do we say?

I don't know. We'll
think of something.

Main thing is we have got
to head Naomi off at the pass

before she catches
Vinton making one!

Be ready in a jiffy, sir!

They don't call us
Kwik-Keys for nothing.

Oh! Hey!

Heather! Heather!

Get out here quick!

This is your lucky day!

What is it, Mr. Harper?

Only an x240.

Oh, Mr. Harper, an x240.

And you said I
wouldn't see more than

three or four of these in
my whole, entire career.

Must be beginner's luck.

That's what Lloyd said
when we had the twins.

Oh, golly.

I hope me and Naomi

are as lucky as you
and your husband.

Miles and Giles are just
the cutest little Dickens's.

- That's Lyle and Kyle.
- Oh.

I get them mixed up
myself sometimes.

Now, do you know where
to find the blank for this?

- Top shelf!
- That a girl!

Oh, my lord this is
worse than I thought.

Don't tell me that's
the new trainee.

Who else?

Looks like she brought
all her own equipment.

Hey, here you go.

All right.

Now, I'll just put
this in here for you

just like that.

Okel-dokels.

Now, Heather are you
ready for your first solo?

Oh, and I don't know, an x240.

Don't worry, I'll be
right behind you.

Now, goggles on.

Goggles on!

Would you look at this?

He's all over her
like a cheap suit.

And she is so obvious.

You'd think if Vint
was gonna stray

he'd choose someone
more suitable.

Oh, no!

It's all crooked!

Now, now, now, it takes time

to master the key game.

Oh, but that was the last blank.

Don't worry

there are more
in the stock room.

I believe they're under

a couple of big
boxes in the back.

Oh, it'll be just
like a treasure hunt!

Come on, Iola let's
go see what Vinton

and Heather locksmith are up to.

This is all so cheap and tawdry.

Can you see anything?

Oh, baby!

I didn't know
they were this big!

Umm, well, just handle
them one at a time.

I mean, you don't want
to throw your back out.

Oh, my lord!

Iola, it's Sodom and
Gomorrah on the mall!

Mr. Harper,

I'm not sure about
getting down on the floor

it's so dirty!

Now, don't you worry,

Kwik-Keys will pay
the cleaning bill.

How do you like this Vinton,
is rolling around on the floor

with some cheap floozy and
the company's picking up the tab!

Oh, Mr. Harper, I
think this might be it!

Yeah, could you hurry it up?

I-I'm getting a cramp.

Thelma, what is going on?

Well, it sounds like a
quickie down at Kwik-Keys!

I gotta put a stop to this!

Ms. Harper?

Iola!

Well, wha-what
are y'all doing here?

I, I, uh, uh...

why shouldn't we be here?

Can't a mother visit
her son at work?

Well, sure, but where is Vinton?

- Uh, out.
- Yes, out.

He had to leave on an emergency.

Emergency.

Well, who's minding the store?

- Uh, we are.
- Us.

Well, shoot, what
am I going to do

with my picnic in front
of the petting zoo?

- Well, go by yourself.
- Feed your food to the animals.

Just stay away from
the endangered species.

Hey! What's going on?

Oh, that's Vinton!

No, I don't think so, I think
that's the answering machine.

Somebody open this door!

That is Vinton.

Uh Well, Naomi, you
might be right about that.

Mama?

Vinton!

You're back from your emergency.

Your wife, Naomi will
be so thrilled to see you.

Mama, what is going on here?

That's what I
would like to know.

Well, what could
be going on here?

Vinton was all by
himself in that storeroom.

I found it,
Mr. Harper, I found it.

Except for her.

Good work, Heather.

Don't tell me you're
the new trainee.

Now, Naomi, don't get
yourself all worked up.

Naomi, you're Vint's wife?

Yes!

Do you two know each other?

Well, sure, this
is Luann's sister.

How are the twins, Ed and Fred?

That's Lyle and Kyle.

They're fine, and I
hear you're expecting.

You're not showing at all!

Well, you certainly got
your figure back in a hurry!

Such a lovely reunion.

Well, come on, Iola

let's get the hell out of here.

Mama, where you going?

Oh, down to the bakery

I hear they're having a
special on humble pie.

Oh, Naomi, it's so nice of
you to share your lunch with us.

Oh, I thought it might be
more fun to have it at home.

Yeah, more appetizing, too.

Nothing worse than a picnic
downwind of the Llama cage.

You know with
Heather in the shop

I'll be able to have
lunch more often

with my favorite girl.

You know, baby, we
still have 40 minutes

before you have
to get back to work.

Well, let's not
waste one of them.

Well, all's back to normal.

Let's eat.

If that's food, count me in.

Whoa, Romeo, I thought
you were having lunch

with your main squeeze.

Terry stood me
up for another guy.

Can you believe it?

Well, it serves you right.

If you're going to go
flittin' from flower to flower

you better expect to be
treated like a son of a bee.