Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 19 - There Is Nothing Like the Dames - full transcript
Vint and Naomi have finally found a new place to live, a rundown mobile home; and are preparing to move to a trailer park. However, the unsightly trailer breaks down in Mama's driveway just seconds before Mama has to entertain the Dames, a snobbish women's club Mama wants to join.
Oh, Thelma, this
issue of "Ladies' Circle"
has an interesting party menu.
"For an October
fest you'll never forget
"say jawohl to knackwurst,
bratwurst and liverwurst."
What do you think?
Well, that sounds like the
worst idea yet, dummkopf.
Thelma, it's just a
lunch for a few ladies.
This is the most
exclusive women's club
in the Tri-State area.
The exalted order of Dames.
Hope you're not
settin' yourself up
for social heartbreak.
Do you really think you're
Damehood material?
You're darn tootin' I am!
All that I gotta do is impress
the hell out of that admittin'
committee with a menu
that'll knock their
white gloves off.
- Well, this just may be it.
- Let me see.
"Merv Griffin's
barbecued chicken wings."
Oh, wings are so in this year.
Oh! "Merv served them poolside
"to 500 of his closest
Hollywood pals."
"Merv's secret sauce
was the talk of tinsel town."
Well, it is gonna be
the talk of Ray Town too.
I will just have
an outdoor party
like Merv did.
Well, Thelma, you
don't have a pool.
Well, I'll just hose
down the driveway.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi, Bubba.
Bubba, what's in the box?
This? It's my costume.
I got a part in the
frat house follies.
Really? You don't sound
very excited about it.
Small part, huh?
No, it-it's the starring role.
Well, what's the problem?
Don't you like the leadin' lady?
I am the leading lady.
Well, Good Lord, Bubba!
What are you gonna do next,
run for homecomin' queen?
It's just for fun, grandma.
Half the guys in the
fraternity are playin' girls.
So, how did you end up
with the lead, Betty Co-ed?
I read really well, and
I had the best legs.
There you see, Thelma,
nothin' to worry about.
Of course not. Now,
where's Aunt Naomi?
I gotta ask her
what blusher to wear.
You will not. It's one thing
for my grandson to dress up
like a girl, but I won't have
him lookin' like a tramp!
Anyway, Bubba, Vint and
Naomi are still out house-huntin'.
With what those two can afford
they might as well be
in search of Atlantis.
Well, you can't blame
'em for not wantin' to live
in a basement with
the baby coming.
Yeah, they're going
through the American dream.
A home of their own.
Hell, I've had that
dream for years.
Mama, mama.
Guess what?
We found it. Our own home!
- Wow! Congratulations!
- Way to go, guys!
Hey! I knew you
two could swing it.
So, where is it? Far away?
Nope. It's closer
than you think.
- Oh, I can't wait to see it.
- Me either.
Well, come on. I'll
show you right now.
Yeah, come on. Come on, mama.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, Vint, I don't have
time to go traipsin'
all the way across
the cheap side town.
Don't worry, we'll
be there in a jiffy.
But, then I didn't even
lock the front door.
Besides I never leave
the house without my...
Oh, my God.
What is that ugly
eyesore doin' in my yard?
Mama... This eyesore...
is our home.
My, it certainly is...
Vint and Naomi.
Isn't it a little
piece of heaven?
Are you nuts? This
is hell on wheels!
But nice.
If you, if you think
the outside is nice
wait till you see the inside.
Come on, mama, come on.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, Lord.
Oh, Vinton, maybe
I should get off.
I don't have exact change.
This must be what they
mean when they say "As-is."
Did you remember
to wipe your feet
before you came into our home?
No, but I'm gonna
wipe 'em when I get out.
Oh! My, isn't it, uh, cozy?
Well, you said a mouthful.
I've been in Airplane-Johns
roomier than this.
I don't know, grandma. Well,
it seems plenty big to me.
Ow!
A little decoratin' tip.
Don't put in a ceiling fan.
I bet the last trip this
motor home made
was to the desert.
What makes you
think that, Miss Boylen?
Somethin' shed its skin up here.
Well, I believe
I've seen enough.
Oh, wait a minute, Mrs. Harper.
Vinton, show your
mama to the dining room.
Okay. Mama, follow me.
Here we are.
Well, that was sure quick.
I didn't hardly even
work up an appetite.
And now to convert
the matching loveseats
into an elegant dining area
we simply lift the table
and lock the leg into place.
Oh! Gosh!
Vint! Oh, Lord!
Maybe we should
just go out to eat.
You two aren't plannin'
to leavin' this piece of junk
in my yard, are you?
Of course not, Mrs. Harper.
Just as soon as we get it fixed
up, we're gonna drive it over
to the trailer park on Route 5.
Yeah, Luann is
savin' us a primo spot.
Right between the laundry
room and the dog run.
Well, this mobile
mansion ought to fit right in.
Now, listen up, you two,
I've got a very important party
planned outdoors on Saturday.
Now, I want this thing
out of here by then!
No problem, Mrs. Harper.
All I have got to do is
clean it and decorate it.
Iola, we're in big trouble.
Not necessarily, Thelma,
we can all pitch in.
I'm a whizz at slipcovers.
Yeah, and I can help
with the heavy cleaning.
Oh, Vinton, just think, honey...
In a few days, we'll
be out on our own.
Yeah.
Oh, mama, I'm gonna miss you.
Well... Oh, sweetie,
I'm gonna miss you too.
Now, there, there. This is
gonna be hard on all of us.
Gee, Mrs. Harper, I'm feelin'
a little choked up myself.
Oh, now. I say we just
throw ourselves into our work.
It'll help us forget
all this sadness.
That's so true, Thelma.
Shall we start
with the curtains?
Good idea, I'll run in
and get my patterns.
Y'all start to measure.
- Mama!
- Now...
Courage, son. Courage!
Hot damn! This is my lucky day!
Gee, didn't I pick great
material for these curtains?
My decorating savvy
is really paying off.
You just need a Venus
flytrap and a couple of monkeys
and you'll have
the Amazon Jungle.
Hey, grandma.
How's the ironin' goin'?
Well, I never thought
that I would say this
to a grandson of mine,
but your dress is ready.
Is there something the
matter with your feet, Bubba?
Yeah, it's from tryin' to learn
how to walk in those high heels.
I swear, I don't know
how you women do it.
Oh, you'll get used to it.
The hell he will!
Now, listen here,
mister, you be careful
and don't wrinkle this
thing when you sit down
'cause I ain't ironin' it again.
Thanks, grandma.
Oh, by the way, you think
pearls'll be too busy with this?
Out!
Lord! I remember when in college
boys used to stage panty raids.
Now, instead of stealin'
'em, they're wearin' 'em.
Knock, knock!
Naomi, I have a
little housewarmin' gift
for you and Vint.
Oh, how sweet.
Well, I hope you don't
already have a set of these.
Well, Iola, I don't think
anybody's got a set of those.
What are they?
They're windshield wiper cozies.
You see, when your motor
home is not on the road
you simply slip these
Scotchgarded beauties
over the dormant wipers,
and presto! Change-o!
Your windshield affords
you a lovely garden view.
Thank you so much.
Ah, I swear, Iola
in your hands, felt is
a dangerous weapon.
Well, Skeeter...
it's really startin'
to look like home.
I just hung up our
"Baby on board" sign.
When are you gonna hang the
one that says "moron on board"?
You know, Mrs. Harper,
it's precisely cracks like that
that make us delighted we're
no longer livin' in your basement.
Oh, do you mean, you've already
moved into the motor home?
You bet, and I swear,
as God is my witness
I will never sleep with my
head below street-level again.
Ohh, yeah? Well, frankly,
Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
As long as y'all
get that pile of junk
out of my driveway by tomorrow.
Now, don't worry, mama
we are leavin'
right on schedule.
Oh, honey, I'm so excited.
A home of our own at last!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Go do it behind closed
curtains, you trailer tramps.
Okay, here you go.
That's the ant farm.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
That tin tenement is
still here in my yard.
I told you those two wouldn't
get out of here in time.
Thelma, it is not a problem.
The exalted order of Dames
isn't scheduled to be
here till 1300 hours.
That is 23 minutes from now.
You just go, check
the barbecue fire
while I light one under
the happy wanderers.
Aren't you people packed yet?
Just one more box, Mrs. Harper.
Yeah, and this is it, mama.
- Ow! Oh!
- You okay, Uncle Vint?
Lord! You didn't hurt your
accelerator foot, did you, son?
No, I'm fine I'm fine.
Well, guess I'd
better get goin'.
We have our... dress
rehearsal this afternoon.
Have a nice trip out to
the trailer park, you two.
Thanks for the help, big guy.
You come see us really
soon, now, Bubba, you hear?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Departin'
is such sweet sorrow.
Okay, goodbye, Bubba!
See ya.
Naomi, uh...
Oh, I just hate to say goodbye.
Good, then let's
just say ciao for now.
Hasta la vista!
Happy trails to you!
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
- Goodbye.
- Buh-bye!
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye, Naomi!
Goodbye, Vinton!
Hello, new life.
- Buh-bye.
- So long.
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
- Drive carefully.
- Yeah.
- Goodbye.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
I knew this was
too good to be true.
We seem to be havin'
a little engine trouble.
Come on, Iola, let's give
this sucker a push start.
Follow me, ladies.
I suppose this is the way.
Thelma, it's the Dames!
Shut up and push!
Vinton, will you come on?
Thelma, hurry up! The Dames
are lookin' at your peonies.
But that can't last forever.
Oh, Lord! Have you
found the trouble, sweetie?
I haven't even found the motor.
Oh, forget it, Mr. Lug Wrench!
Yoo-hoo, Thelma! We're here!
Hurry up, hurry
up. Get inside there.
I won't have you embarrassin'
me in front of the Dames.
- But, Mrs. Harper...
- Get your butts inside!
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, there you are, Thelma.
Oh, ladies!
How good of you all to come.
This is my friend Iola Boylen.
She will be servin' you today.
Now, let me see, it is...
Tula Jane Barth, right?
No, just call me Dame Barth.
Oh, okay. Dame
Barth, Iola Boylen.
And Dame Goode... Iola Boylen.
And, of course, Dame Pearson.
Actually, it's High
Dame Pearson.
Hi, High Dame.
So, would you,
uh, care to adjourn
to the table, Your Dameness?
Oh, that would be fine.
Fine!
My, my, isn't this charming?
Oh, look, flowers...
decorations, an
alfresco barbecue...
and that.
What?
Oh, that.
Well, actually, I'm havin'
some workmen fix that up
and then I'm plannin' to
donate that to some charity.
What a relief.
For a moment, I thought
somebody was living there.
Heavens, no.
I wouldn't put my
dog in that thing.
Can we come out now, mama?
Uh, my-my son and
my daughter-in-law
are helpin' the workmen and
they probably need my advice.
Will you ladies excuse me?
Iola, you may serve the tea now.
Yes, Miss Thelma.
Who gave you permission
to come out of there?
Mama, I am a grown man.
I do not need your permission.
Besides, Naomi
said it'd be okay.
Vinton, I want you to get inside
and call the mechanic quick!
You do it and die!
Now, I will not have my
garden party interrupted
by some grease monkey
tinkerin' on this deathtrap.
Now, you get back in there.
Well, I see everybody
has their orange pekoe.
Is the crisis resolved, Thelma?
Oh, my, yes.
There's nothin' like
a little problem solvin'
to work up an appetite.
Are we ready for lunch?
I'm famished.
Oh, terribly so.
Aren't we all?
Well, then, let the
barbecue begin.
Iola.
As you wish, madam.
Well... I planned
a little somethin'
out of the ordinary
for lunch today.
Then it mustn't
be chicken wings.
It mustn't?
Oh, we've been served so
many chicken wings lately
we're about to take flight.
Well, uh...
I would never
serve chicken wings.
Well, so many are.
It's all because of
that dreadful article
in "Ladies' Circle."
"Merv Griffin's Pool Party."
Gee, I must have
missed that issue.
Uh, would-would you
excuse me for a moment?
I think I better go inside
and, uh, help the girl.
- Turn off that music!
- What?
I said, turn off the damn music!
- But, Mrs. Harper, we're bored.
- Yeah, mama.
- What are we supposed to do?
- I don't care. Anything.
As long as you stay
in there and be quiet!
Kids.
What is wrong, Thelma?
Or should I say boss?
The chicken wings are out.
What-what are you doin'
with frozen hamburger?
I am tryin' to save my bacon!
Well, here we are, ladies.
- What?
- What is that?
Uh, this is blackened meatloaf.
- Cajun.
- Different.
Original.
Just a little somethin'
that I threw together.
False modesty is not something
we particularly look for, Thelma
in a prospective Dame.
Iola, would you watch
the barbecue, please?
What exactly is it
that you do look for?
A Dame must be an upstanding
member of the community
with the highest
moral standards.
And that, of course,
includes her family.
- Of course.
- Her family.
Oh, of course.
I-I-I will be...
Ex-excuse me.
I will be, I will be ri...
I'll be right back.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop what? I was tryin' to
jimmy this leg back into the table.
Of course, you were, son.
There, you see, my son was just
puttin' the table leg back in.
There's nothin' immoral
about that. No siree.
My family is as upright and
as respectable as they come.
Grandma, I can't believe it!
I got all dressed up,
and I forgot my purse.
Upright?
Respectable?
How awful!
Now, I-I can explain.
There is no need
to explain anything.
Your family is low-class.
Lewd.
Lascivious.
If you all wanna hang
on to your dentures,
you take that back.
How dare you threaten a Dame!
I'm gonna do more than threaten
if you don't get your snooty
butts out of my backyard!
I don't know why I ever thought
I wanted to be a
damn Dame anyway!
I would go... nuts if
I had to hang around
a bunch of sourpusses like you.
Well, I never!
- Never!
- Never!
Well, I can certainly see why.
And keep your paws off
my peonies on the way out.
Does this mean I can take
the rest of the
afternoon off, ma'am?
You bet it does, hon. Sit down
right there. Put your feet up.
I'm gonna go grill us some
wings. We're gonna party down.
Well, one thing we
learned from all this, Thelma
at least Merv Griffin
knows his chicken wings.
- They were delicious.
- Boy, I'll say.
And the best is yet to come.
As soon as that
mechanic is through fixin'
that recreational
wreck out there
Vinton and Naomi will
be out of my hair forever.
Bad news, mama.
The repairs on our motor home
are gonna take
every cent we got.
Yeah, now we don't
have enough money left
over to rent our space
at the trailer park.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me you're thinking
about movin' back in here?
No way. We've had
a taste of freedom.
We're not about to give that up.
That's right, mama.
We are goin' to
live in the driveway.
Oh, Lord.
Well, at least I know what to
get you for a housewarmin' gift.
A new set of shocks.
issue of "Ladies' Circle"
has an interesting party menu.
"For an October
fest you'll never forget
"say jawohl to knackwurst,
bratwurst and liverwurst."
What do you think?
Well, that sounds like the
worst idea yet, dummkopf.
Thelma, it's just a
lunch for a few ladies.
This is the most
exclusive women's club
in the Tri-State area.
The exalted order of Dames.
Hope you're not
settin' yourself up
for social heartbreak.
Do you really think you're
Damehood material?
You're darn tootin' I am!
All that I gotta do is impress
the hell out of that admittin'
committee with a menu
that'll knock their
white gloves off.
- Well, this just may be it.
- Let me see.
"Merv Griffin's
barbecued chicken wings."
Oh, wings are so in this year.
Oh! "Merv served them poolside
"to 500 of his closest
Hollywood pals."
"Merv's secret sauce
was the talk of tinsel town."
Well, it is gonna be
the talk of Ray Town too.
I will just have
an outdoor party
like Merv did.
Well, Thelma, you
don't have a pool.
Well, I'll just hose
down the driveway.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi, Bubba.
Bubba, what's in the box?
This? It's my costume.
I got a part in the
frat house follies.
Really? You don't sound
very excited about it.
Small part, huh?
No, it-it's the starring role.
Well, what's the problem?
Don't you like the leadin' lady?
I am the leading lady.
Well, Good Lord, Bubba!
What are you gonna do next,
run for homecomin' queen?
It's just for fun, grandma.
Half the guys in the
fraternity are playin' girls.
So, how did you end up
with the lead, Betty Co-ed?
I read really well, and
I had the best legs.
There you see, Thelma,
nothin' to worry about.
Of course not. Now,
where's Aunt Naomi?
I gotta ask her
what blusher to wear.
You will not. It's one thing
for my grandson to dress up
like a girl, but I won't have
him lookin' like a tramp!
Anyway, Bubba, Vint and
Naomi are still out house-huntin'.
With what those two can afford
they might as well be
in search of Atlantis.
Well, you can't blame
'em for not wantin' to live
in a basement with
the baby coming.
Yeah, they're going
through the American dream.
A home of their own.
Hell, I've had that
dream for years.
Mama, mama.
Guess what?
We found it. Our own home!
- Wow! Congratulations!
- Way to go, guys!
Hey! I knew you
two could swing it.
So, where is it? Far away?
Nope. It's closer
than you think.
- Oh, I can't wait to see it.
- Me either.
Well, come on. I'll
show you right now.
Yeah, come on. Come on, mama.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, Vint, I don't have
time to go traipsin'
all the way across
the cheap side town.
Don't worry, we'll
be there in a jiffy.
But, then I didn't even
lock the front door.
Besides I never leave
the house without my...
Oh, my God.
What is that ugly
eyesore doin' in my yard?
Mama... This eyesore...
is our home.
My, it certainly is...
Vint and Naomi.
Isn't it a little
piece of heaven?
Are you nuts? This
is hell on wheels!
But nice.
If you, if you think
the outside is nice
wait till you see the inside.
Come on, mama, come on.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, Lord.
Oh, Vinton, maybe
I should get off.
I don't have exact change.
This must be what they
mean when they say "As-is."
Did you remember
to wipe your feet
before you came into our home?
No, but I'm gonna
wipe 'em when I get out.
Oh! My, isn't it, uh, cozy?
Well, you said a mouthful.
I've been in Airplane-Johns
roomier than this.
I don't know, grandma. Well,
it seems plenty big to me.
Ow!
A little decoratin' tip.
Don't put in a ceiling fan.
I bet the last trip this
motor home made
was to the desert.
What makes you
think that, Miss Boylen?
Somethin' shed its skin up here.
Well, I believe
I've seen enough.
Oh, wait a minute, Mrs. Harper.
Vinton, show your
mama to the dining room.
Okay. Mama, follow me.
Here we are.
Well, that was sure quick.
I didn't hardly even
work up an appetite.
And now to convert
the matching loveseats
into an elegant dining area
we simply lift the table
and lock the leg into place.
Oh! Gosh!
Vint! Oh, Lord!
Maybe we should
just go out to eat.
You two aren't plannin'
to leavin' this piece of junk
in my yard, are you?
Of course not, Mrs. Harper.
Just as soon as we get it fixed
up, we're gonna drive it over
to the trailer park on Route 5.
Yeah, Luann is
savin' us a primo spot.
Right between the laundry
room and the dog run.
Well, this mobile
mansion ought to fit right in.
Now, listen up, you two,
I've got a very important party
planned outdoors on Saturday.
Now, I want this thing
out of here by then!
No problem, Mrs. Harper.
All I have got to do is
clean it and decorate it.
Iola, we're in big trouble.
Not necessarily, Thelma,
we can all pitch in.
I'm a whizz at slipcovers.
Yeah, and I can help
with the heavy cleaning.
Oh, Vinton, just think, honey...
In a few days, we'll
be out on our own.
Yeah.
Oh, mama, I'm gonna miss you.
Well... Oh, sweetie,
I'm gonna miss you too.
Now, there, there. This is
gonna be hard on all of us.
Gee, Mrs. Harper, I'm feelin'
a little choked up myself.
Oh, now. I say we just
throw ourselves into our work.
It'll help us forget
all this sadness.
That's so true, Thelma.
Shall we start
with the curtains?
Good idea, I'll run in
and get my patterns.
Y'all start to measure.
- Mama!
- Now...
Courage, son. Courage!
Hot damn! This is my lucky day!
Gee, didn't I pick great
material for these curtains?
My decorating savvy
is really paying off.
You just need a Venus
flytrap and a couple of monkeys
and you'll have
the Amazon Jungle.
Hey, grandma.
How's the ironin' goin'?
Well, I never thought
that I would say this
to a grandson of mine,
but your dress is ready.
Is there something the
matter with your feet, Bubba?
Yeah, it's from tryin' to learn
how to walk in those high heels.
I swear, I don't know
how you women do it.
Oh, you'll get used to it.
The hell he will!
Now, listen here,
mister, you be careful
and don't wrinkle this
thing when you sit down
'cause I ain't ironin' it again.
Thanks, grandma.
Oh, by the way, you think
pearls'll be too busy with this?
Out!
Lord! I remember when in college
boys used to stage panty raids.
Now, instead of stealin'
'em, they're wearin' 'em.
Knock, knock!
Naomi, I have a
little housewarmin' gift
for you and Vint.
Oh, how sweet.
Well, I hope you don't
already have a set of these.
Well, Iola, I don't think
anybody's got a set of those.
What are they?
They're windshield wiper cozies.
You see, when your motor
home is not on the road
you simply slip these
Scotchgarded beauties
over the dormant wipers,
and presto! Change-o!
Your windshield affords
you a lovely garden view.
Thank you so much.
Ah, I swear, Iola
in your hands, felt is
a dangerous weapon.
Well, Skeeter...
it's really startin'
to look like home.
I just hung up our
"Baby on board" sign.
When are you gonna hang the
one that says "moron on board"?
You know, Mrs. Harper,
it's precisely cracks like that
that make us delighted we're
no longer livin' in your basement.
Oh, do you mean, you've already
moved into the motor home?
You bet, and I swear,
as God is my witness
I will never sleep with my
head below street-level again.
Ohh, yeah? Well, frankly,
Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
As long as y'all
get that pile of junk
out of my driveway by tomorrow.
Now, don't worry, mama
we are leavin'
right on schedule.
Oh, honey, I'm so excited.
A home of our own at last!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Go do it behind closed
curtains, you trailer tramps.
Okay, here you go.
That's the ant farm.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
That tin tenement is
still here in my yard.
I told you those two wouldn't
get out of here in time.
Thelma, it is not a problem.
The exalted order of Dames
isn't scheduled to be
here till 1300 hours.
That is 23 minutes from now.
You just go, check
the barbecue fire
while I light one under
the happy wanderers.
Aren't you people packed yet?
Just one more box, Mrs. Harper.
Yeah, and this is it, mama.
- Ow! Oh!
- You okay, Uncle Vint?
Lord! You didn't hurt your
accelerator foot, did you, son?
No, I'm fine I'm fine.
Well, guess I'd
better get goin'.
We have our... dress
rehearsal this afternoon.
Have a nice trip out to
the trailer park, you two.
Thanks for the help, big guy.
You come see us really
soon, now, Bubba, you hear?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Departin'
is such sweet sorrow.
Okay, goodbye, Bubba!
See ya.
Naomi, uh...
Oh, I just hate to say goodbye.
Good, then let's
just say ciao for now.
Hasta la vista!
Happy trails to you!
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
- Goodbye.
- Buh-bye!
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye, Naomi!
Goodbye, Vinton!
Hello, new life.
- Buh-bye.
- So long.
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
- Drive carefully.
- Yeah.
- Goodbye.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
I knew this was
too good to be true.
We seem to be havin'
a little engine trouble.
Come on, Iola, let's give
this sucker a push start.
Follow me, ladies.
I suppose this is the way.
Thelma, it's the Dames!
Shut up and push!
Vinton, will you come on?
Thelma, hurry up! The Dames
are lookin' at your peonies.
But that can't last forever.
Oh, Lord! Have you
found the trouble, sweetie?
I haven't even found the motor.
Oh, forget it, Mr. Lug Wrench!
Yoo-hoo, Thelma! We're here!
Hurry up, hurry
up. Get inside there.
I won't have you embarrassin'
me in front of the Dames.
- But, Mrs. Harper...
- Get your butts inside!
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, there you are, Thelma.
Oh, ladies!
How good of you all to come.
This is my friend Iola Boylen.
She will be servin' you today.
Now, let me see, it is...
Tula Jane Barth, right?
No, just call me Dame Barth.
Oh, okay. Dame
Barth, Iola Boylen.
And Dame Goode... Iola Boylen.
And, of course, Dame Pearson.
Actually, it's High
Dame Pearson.
Hi, High Dame.
So, would you,
uh, care to adjourn
to the table, Your Dameness?
Oh, that would be fine.
Fine!
My, my, isn't this charming?
Oh, look, flowers...
decorations, an
alfresco barbecue...
and that.
What?
Oh, that.
Well, actually, I'm havin'
some workmen fix that up
and then I'm plannin' to
donate that to some charity.
What a relief.
For a moment, I thought
somebody was living there.
Heavens, no.
I wouldn't put my
dog in that thing.
Can we come out now, mama?
Uh, my-my son and
my daughter-in-law
are helpin' the workmen and
they probably need my advice.
Will you ladies excuse me?
Iola, you may serve the tea now.
Yes, Miss Thelma.
Who gave you permission
to come out of there?
Mama, I am a grown man.
I do not need your permission.
Besides, Naomi
said it'd be okay.
Vinton, I want you to get inside
and call the mechanic quick!
You do it and die!
Now, I will not have my
garden party interrupted
by some grease monkey
tinkerin' on this deathtrap.
Now, you get back in there.
Well, I see everybody
has their orange pekoe.
Is the crisis resolved, Thelma?
Oh, my, yes.
There's nothin' like
a little problem solvin'
to work up an appetite.
Are we ready for lunch?
I'm famished.
Oh, terribly so.
Aren't we all?
Well, then, let the
barbecue begin.
Iola.
As you wish, madam.
Well... I planned
a little somethin'
out of the ordinary
for lunch today.
Then it mustn't
be chicken wings.
It mustn't?
Oh, we've been served so
many chicken wings lately
we're about to take flight.
Well, uh...
I would never
serve chicken wings.
Well, so many are.
It's all because of
that dreadful article
in "Ladies' Circle."
"Merv Griffin's Pool Party."
Gee, I must have
missed that issue.
Uh, would-would you
excuse me for a moment?
I think I better go inside
and, uh, help the girl.
- Turn off that music!
- What?
I said, turn off the damn music!
- But, Mrs. Harper, we're bored.
- Yeah, mama.
- What are we supposed to do?
- I don't care. Anything.
As long as you stay
in there and be quiet!
Kids.
What is wrong, Thelma?
Or should I say boss?
The chicken wings are out.
What-what are you doin'
with frozen hamburger?
I am tryin' to save my bacon!
Well, here we are, ladies.
- What?
- What is that?
Uh, this is blackened meatloaf.
- Cajun.
- Different.
Original.
Just a little somethin'
that I threw together.
False modesty is not something
we particularly look for, Thelma
in a prospective Dame.
Iola, would you watch
the barbecue, please?
What exactly is it
that you do look for?
A Dame must be an upstanding
member of the community
with the highest
moral standards.
And that, of course,
includes her family.
- Of course.
- Her family.
Oh, of course.
I-I-I will be...
Ex-excuse me.
I will be, I will be ri...
I'll be right back.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop what? I was tryin' to
jimmy this leg back into the table.
Of course, you were, son.
There, you see, my son was just
puttin' the table leg back in.
There's nothin' immoral
about that. No siree.
My family is as upright and
as respectable as they come.
Grandma, I can't believe it!
I got all dressed up,
and I forgot my purse.
Upright?
Respectable?
How awful!
Now, I-I can explain.
There is no need
to explain anything.
Your family is low-class.
Lewd.
Lascivious.
If you all wanna hang
on to your dentures,
you take that back.
How dare you threaten a Dame!
I'm gonna do more than threaten
if you don't get your snooty
butts out of my backyard!
I don't know why I ever thought
I wanted to be a
damn Dame anyway!
I would go... nuts if
I had to hang around
a bunch of sourpusses like you.
Well, I never!
- Never!
- Never!
Well, I can certainly see why.
And keep your paws off
my peonies on the way out.
Does this mean I can take
the rest of the
afternoon off, ma'am?
You bet it does, hon. Sit down
right there. Put your feet up.
I'm gonna go grill us some
wings. We're gonna party down.
Well, one thing we
learned from all this, Thelma
at least Merv Griffin
knows his chicken wings.
- They were delicious.
- Boy, I'll say.
And the best is yet to come.
As soon as that
mechanic is through fixin'
that recreational
wreck out there
Vinton and Naomi will
be out of my hair forever.
Bad news, mama.
The repairs on our motor home
are gonna take
every cent we got.
Yeah, now we don't
have enough money left
over to rent our space
at the trailer park.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me you're thinking
about movin' back in here?
No way. We've had
a taste of freedom.
We're not about to give that up.
That's right, mama.
We are goin' to
live in the driveway.
Oh, Lord.
Well, at least I know what to
get you for a housewarmin' gift.
A new set of shocks.