Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 14 - Mama Gets Goosed - full transcript

Lord! I swear!

That mall was a war zone!

It should be awarded The
Shopper's Medal of Honor.

Why, you'd think people would
be kinder at Christmas time?

Boy, isn't that the truth?

I practically had to wrestle
that nun to the ground

to get this peace
and joy candle.

Well, I feel so lucky findin'
this Foot Bath for mother.

Yeah, you really think
your mother's gonna be

able to cram her
triple Es into that thing?

Well, sure!



If she soaks one foot at a time.

Can I hide it over here
so she won't find it?

Over here, I thought you said

the woman never
leaves the bedroom.

Well, she does for presents.

She can zero in on one like

a pig sniffin' out a truffle.

Well, that's a pretty picture.

Well, I'll just go
stow it in my closet.

Oh, not that way, Uncle Vint.

No, honey, the big
branches go at the bottom

and the little
branches go at the top.

Well, and the whole damn thing

is goin' out the front door.



Where on Earth did you
get that gaudy piece of junk?

From my very best
friend, Luann Fayette

and I think it's beautiful.

Yeah, she got herself one
of those new fiberglass trees.

Oh, yeah, they're much more

realistic than the chrome.

Well, I want my tree
to come from a forest.

Not an assembly line in Taiwan.

Well, gee, grandma,
we thought you'd like it.

You're always complainin'
about havin' to clean up

the needles from a real tree.

And this is the next best thing.

Look, it even comes with
this pine-scented spray

so it smells just like
a real Christmas tree.

Good Lord!

That smells like the men's room

at the bus station!

Well, I think our fabulous fake

adds class to the room.

Yeah, and the metal pole

has done wonders
for our TV reception.

Well, what is that? A
National Geographic special?

No, it's a holiday show.

"An Andy Williams
Christmas in Somaliland."

Now, I was wonderin'
why the hippo

was dressed like Santa Claus.

I'm turnin' this damn thing off.

No, wait, Mama.

Later on, Andy's gonna sing

"O Holy Night" to
a herd of zebras.

I'll tell you what,
Christmas has gone

to hell in a hand basket.

Here's somethin'
that'll fill you

with holiday cheer, grandma.

Aunt Effie sent us a fruitcake.

Oh! Well, that's really sweet.

Well, wait a minute.

This is the same fruitcake

I sent her last year.

Talk about chintzy

recyclin' Christmas presents.

I couldn't agree more, Thelma.

That's the fruitcake I
gave you two years ago.

Well, it is the
thought that counts.

Oh, here's somethin'
that'll cheer you up, Mama.

- Christmas cards.
- Who are they from?

Well, there's one
here from the mailman

and one from the paperboy.

They just want tips. Toss 'em.

Well, here's one
you're gonna like.

It's from your Cousin Leota.

And she says she sent
you a Christmas present.

Oh, well, she shouldn't have.

Although last
year, I gave her that

beautiful Afghan,
and she gave me zilch.

Is Leota the one you
grew up with on the farm?

Yeah. Hey, listen to this.

She says, she's
sendin' me somethin'

to remind me of
the old-fashioned

Christmases we had long ago.

Oh, shoot!

I was hopin' for that new

Donald Trump game.

Shut up before I trump you.

Well, what do you think
you're gettin', grandma?

Well, it can't be
anything too ritzy.

In those days, we were
poor as church mice.

It didn't matter
though they were

the happiest
Christmases of my life.

Wait, let me get this straight.

- You were happy and poor?
- You know what?

You goons do not understand

the true meanin' of Christmas.

We were rich without
ever spendin' a dime.

We gave each other
homemade presents.

Then we'd have
a great big dinner

with all the food
fresh from the farm.

Oh, Thelma, it sounds like

a Norman Rockwell
paintin' come to life.

Yeah, Iola, I tell
you, you would love it.

We'd have a big
old stuffed goose

with all the
trimmings, mince pies

candied yams, plum puddin'.

Hey, I'll bet you that's
what Leota is sendin' me.

Plum puddin'? Ooh,
I've never tasted that.

Well, you are goin' to.

Listen up everybody, that
is what we are gonna do.

We're gonna have us an
old-fashioned Christmas

with a real old-fashioned
Christmas dinner.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Uh, wait a minute, Ms. Harper

we've already made other plans.

Yeah, we got reservations
for Christmas dinner

at AI's Eating Barn.

That place out on route five

with the big plastic
steer on the roof?

Yeah, they're havin'
a Christmas special.

All you can eat
for 9.95 a person.

No, thank you.

I am not sittin'
on a bale of hay

while some yahoo in overalls

serves me turkey and
dressin' out of a wheelbarrow!

Well, alright,
we'll cancel them!

We were just trying to help.

Yeah, you're the one
that said you wanted

to take it easy this Christmas.

Well, I've changed my mind.

Lord! We've got a
million things to do here.

First thing we have to do,
is get us a real Douglas fir.

Get rid of that
stainless-steel toilet brush.

- Vinton.
- Oh, that's okay, Skeeter.

We'll take it down
to the basement.

It'll be a wowser when we turn

the strobe light on it.

Oh, I'll get it.

I'll tell you what we're
gonna hand-make

all of our own
ornaments and we'll fix

all of the food from scratch.

This is gonna be the
best Christmas ever.

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.

I got delivery for Thelma
Harper from Lynchville.

That's me.

I'll bet you this is
from Cousin Leota.

Is it plum puddin'?

No. Looks more
like the main course.

Mama, this is not
a Christmas present

it's a goose!

No kiddin'. I thought it
was a walkin' feather duster.

Hey, he came with a note.

Oh! So he did.

"Dear Thelma,
surprise. This is Leland.

"He's one of my prize geese."

Oh, hi there, Leland!

"I have sent along a bag

"of his favorite feed.

"Now don't slaughter him
until Christmas mornin'.

"The fresher, the better.

"Happy eatin'. Love, Leota."

Slaughter him? We just met!

Oh, such irony.

The goose delivered
his own death warrant.

Oh, Mama, we're not
really gonna kill him, are we?

Well, it makes eatin'
him so much easier.

Well, gee, grandma,
when you were tellin' us

about those great,
old-fashioned Christmases

you didn't mention
this little tradition.

Yes, Thelma, when
exactly did you off

your main course
in the good old days?

Before or after you opened
your Christmas stockin'?

Now, just a damn minute here!

Well, Mama, what's
the best way to do it?

Like this, krr?

Or like this...

How about like
this, you lug nut?

Tell you what, you are nothin'
but a bunch of lousy hypocrites.

- What do you mean by that?
- It means.

I didn't hear any
of you animal lovers

turnin' down my
meatloaf last night.

Well, maybe not,
but we didn't know

the side of beef personally.

Oh, look into his little eyes.

The sweet, little thing.

Sweet, nothin'.

These are the
orneriest creatures

on God's green Earth!

Oh, he's not an
ornery old goosey.

Are you, Leland?

No!

Our Leland's a good boy.

Isn't he gonna make
a wonderful father?

He is a goose, not a boy

and quit callin' him Leland,
you'll get too attached.

Well, what should we call him?

Dinner!

Oh, you boys go
out in the backyard

and fix up a nice pen for him.

There's plenty of
chicken wire in the garage.

Chicken wire? He's a goose.

And you're a birdbrain.
Now, get outta here!

Did you hear that, Leland?

You're going to have a nice pen

all to yourself.

That's right, kiddo.

Plenty of room
and plenty of feed.

Oh, Thelma, you
do like him after all.

The hell you say.

I just wanna fatten him up.

Come on, dinner,
let's get your food.

You better watch it, buster.

Or you ain't gonna
make it till Christmas.

Ah, jeez, I had no idea makin'

these Christmas decorations
would be such hard work.

Oh, what are you
complaining about, Bubba?

I would kill to do paper chains.

Stringing popcorn is so boring.

Ow!

Maybe you should've
tried the cranberries

they're fun, look
how many of them

I've strung in only two hours.

Oh, honey.

Next time, remind me to tie
a knot in the end of the string.

Ow! Get away from
me, you feathered...

Ow! Leave me alone!

Sounds like Leland and grandma

are playin' tag again.

Ow! Lord!

Which one of you clowns
left the goose pen open?

Did he try to go after
you again, Ms. Harper?

I swear, that bird acts
like I got a bullseye

painted on my butt.

Maybe he likes a
big target, Mama.

You better watch your
mouth or you're gonna be

gummin' your Christmas dinner.

Every time I go
back there in that yard

I feel like Tippi
Hedren in "The Birds."

Well, it's nothing
personal, grandma.

He's just guarding
his territory.

His territory? He's
been here two days.

I've been here 40 years.

That's his nature.

That's why a lot of
people nowadays

have watch-geese
instead of watchdogs.

Yeah, well, I'll take my chances

with a Pit bull any day.

You know, the only reason
he keeps attacking you

is because he knows what
you have in mind for him.

Animals have a sixth
sense about things like that.

Naomi, we're talkin'
about a dumb goose here

not the Amazing Kreskin.

He's not so dumb, Mama.

I've taught him how to heel

when we go out for our walks.

Don't you be
takin' him for walks.

His legs will get tough.

Ms. Harper, quit
sayin' things like that.

Don't worry, Aunt Naomi.

She'll never go through with it.

Alrighty, let's see, now.

What am I gonna stuff
him with tomorrow?

Apple, prune, or
chestnut dressin'?

Alright. That does it! I can't
listen to another word of this.

Well, you won't
have to, Skeeter.

It's time for us
to leave anyhow.

Where the hell do
you think you're goin'?

It's Christmas eve and you
have not decorated the tree.

We've decided to go
caroling with the neighbors.

Those tone-deaf losers?

Only thing you want
to hear from them

is a "Silent Night."

Well, I would much
rather sing off-key

than plan the execution
of an innocent goose.

That goes for me too, grandma.

Ditto.

Oh, by the way, Mama

if you string any cranberries,

be sure to tie a big knot

at the end of the string

or you'll be sorry.

I would like to
string up those three.

Alright for a 10 to
12 pound goose...

Shoot, I better run out and
give dinner a little more feed.

Iola, what in the world
do you think you're doin'?

Well, I'm tryin' to
get Leland to wear

this little scarf I made him.

You know, these December
evenings are very chilly.

And you do lose 60
percent of your body heat

through your head.

He could catch
his death of cold.

He's catchin' his
death tomorrow.

Uh, Thelma, I'll be havin'

my big meal with mother
and daddy tomorrow.

So you needn't set a
place for me at the table.

Oh, will you knock it off?

I'm sick and tired of
everybody gettin' all misty-eyed

over this vicious bird of prey.

♪♪ Here we come
a-caroling... ♪♪♪♪

Oh, here come
the Yuletide yokels.

Well, sounds like they're
in front of the house.

Well, they're
trompin' on my lawn.

They're headed
for the front door.

Oh, Thelma, Leland got out.

Quick! Get him!

Don't you even think about

stoppin' that little darlin'.

Oh, sounds like he's
movin' in on the alto section.

Maybe that damn goose is good

for somethin' after all.

Hey, go for the
blond bimbo, Leland.

Gee, a pen and pencil set.

Just what I wanted.

Thanks, grandma.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Oh!

Look at this great, big present.

I wonder who this is for.

Oh.

It's for you.

It's from me, Thelma.

Oh, Iola! I wonder
what it could be.

I wonder what it could be.

I know! It's a hand puppet!

For who? King Kong?

No. Allow me to demonstrate.

Now, what is the biggest
problem of the holiday season?

Unwanted gifts?

No, silly.

It's yuletide grit and grime

tracked in by merrymakin'
friends and loved ones.

And the holidays
are much too precious

to be draggin' the
vacuum cleaner

in and out of the closet.

So what is a homemaker to do?

Go to club med?

No, silly.

A less expensive
alternative is...

a vacuum-cleaner cozy!

Timmy, the toy soldier!

When he's off duty
he is a festive addition

to your holiday decor.

But should a cookie crumble

on your carpet... Oh, no!

Timmy springs into action

to repel the invader.

Go, Timmy, go!

Thank you, Iola.

I will sleep so much better

knowin' that my
livin' room is safe

from the gingerbread menace.

Are you gonna
open our gift, Mama?

- Are you, huh? Are you, huh?
- Sure, Vinton.

It's from all three of us.

Yeah, it's somethin'
you've been wantin'

for a very long time.

Oh! It's a set of
those Shinshu knives

like they advertise on TV!

Try 'em out, grandma.

Good idea.

I know just the job
for this little baby.

Which one of you
is gonna hold him?

Bye, Mama.

Yeah, we've got
to go to Luann's.

And I'm gonna
take Terri her gift.

Uh-uh, I-I gotta go too, Thelma.

Uh-uh, I'll-I'll
think where later.

Well, fine. Get out,
all you deserters!

Just remember,
we're eatin' at 3:00!

They're gonna change
their mind this afternoon

when they bite into that
tasty bird, right, Timmy?

Yes.

Alright.

This is gonna be
a piece of cake.

I've seen this done
hundreds of times on the farm.

Of course, I've never
actually done it myself.

Well...

look who's here.

Hi, Leland. How you doin' today?

Here, goosey, goosey, goosey.

Come on. Come to mama.

Come to mama.

You know something's
up, don't you?

Alright, Leland, if
you won't come to me

I'm gonna have to come to you.

Oops!

Okay.

Here we go.

Alright.

Boy, I'm tired. Ooh!

How about you, Leland?

Wouldn't it be great just to...

put your head right down there?

Right there, close your eyes.

Take a nice, long nap.

Damn, bird's
smarter than I thought.

Alright, Leland,
let's cut the chit-chat.

We both know why I'm here.

The quicker I do this thing,

the better we'll both feel.

Well, the better I will feel.

But just think about it, Leland.

You're gonna look
like a million bucks

in your orange glaze.

And it is not every
goose that gets stuffed

with apples and walnuts.

You're gonna be the
center of attention.

They're gonna eat you up.

Oh, well, now,
you're butterin' me up.

See, you're tryin' to
act all soft and sweet

and the minute I
turn my back on you

you're gonna be bitin'
me on the butt again, right?

Alright, Leland, let's get

this show on the road.

I'm sorry I didn't bring you
a blindfold or a cigarette

but I will give you a
moment for a silent prayer.

Alright, time's up.
Stretch it on out here.

Perfect.

Well, I still say Mama
may be a lot of things

but she is no goose-killer.

Oh, yeah? Then how
come the table is all set?

Ooh, I could've sworn she
wouldn't go through with it.

Oh, it smells real good too.

Alright, now, remember
not one of us is takin' a bite.

♪♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪♪

♪♪ Fa la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ La la la la ♪♪♪♪

God, that woman
is a cold cookie.

Oh! You're all here!

And just in time too.

Everything's ready.

- Everything?
- Yeah, everything.

I'll be right back
with our main course.

Sit down.

Oh, poor Leland.

This is the worst
Christmas I've had

since the year I got
pajamas and socks.

Here you go.

That is Leland?

No.

This is Leland.

Come on.

- Oh!
- He's alive!

Oh, Thelma, you
couldn't kill him after all.

No, I guess I'm
just a marshmallow

like the rest of you.

There you go, Leland old buddy.

See, look here...

I made my own goose out
of stuffin' and vegetables.

Oh, Thelma, that is so cunning.

Hey, it looks like we're havin'

Leland for dinner after all.

Yeah, can we keep
him forever, Mama?

- Huh, can we? Huh, can we?
- Oh, no!

I've not gone that soft.

I gave Aunt Effie a
call, I figured since that

yippee little dog of hers died

maybe she'd like to have
Leland as a watch-goose.

Oh! What a great idea.

That way, we can visit
him whenever we want.

You know, I believe
I will have a bite

of this mock goose after all.

- Alright, let's eat.
- Hey, hold it, you heathen!

We have not said grace yet.

Oh.

Well, Lord, I wanted an
old-fashioned Christmas

and it looks like I got one.

When I was a little girl
Christmas was about givin'

and not gettin', so
I'm feelin' real good

about givin' Leland
a few more years

to scare the hell
out of everybody,

which he's supposed to do.

I think that we're all feeling

the spirit of peace and goodwill

just like in the old days

and for that, we
thank you, amen.

Amen.

Now, Leland...

would you like the drumstick?

Oh, now, relax, Leland!

It's just a little
poultry humor.