Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 10 - Bubba's House Band - full transcript

Bubba invites a punk rock band, the Bonecrushers, to stay at Harper House.

Look, dad, I need
an answer right now.

Bubba Higgins is not the kind
of man you can keep waiting.

What?

Yeah, I can hold.

Where in the world
did I put that cookbook?

Bubba! If you wanna
keep those feet

get 'em off of Betty
Crocker's face.

Grandma, please!

I'm in the midst of
negotiations here.

You have been negotiatin'
on my phone all day

Mr. Wheeler-Dealer.



Just how long does it take

to book a band for
a sock hop anyway?

It's not a sock hop, grandma.
Tomorrow night is homecoming.

It's the biggest social
event of the year!

And I need to book
a dynamite group!

Well, in my day, we
didn't have any trouble

gettin' entertainment
for our dances.

We just called Hank Wilson
and his Harmonica Hepcats.

Gee, that's really
interesting, grandma.

Hey, you know what, I'll bet you

they're available
for tomorrow night.

Uh, I'll pass.

Well, I guess it's just as well.

There's nothin' harder
than blowin' a harmonica



with a mouth full of Poligrip.

Oh! Iola, just the
gal I need to talk to.

What's up?

Iola, how can I
practice my silhouettes

if you keep turning your head?

Look at that, you made
me cut off half your nose.

Well, my word! That
doesn't look anything like me.

No, but it's a dead ringer
for Michael Jackson.

Go ahead and scoff,
I'll bet my silhouettes

are the hit of the
church carnival.

Ah, forget your stupid cutouts.

Which one of those am I gonna
make for my dessert booth?

Oh. Ooh, I don't know
about any of these.

I've always thought your
pound cake was without peer.

Well, it was also
without customers.

I didn't sell one of
those suckers last year.

You got any idea how
humiliatin' it is to leave a carnival

carrying the same damn
cakes you walked in with?

Oh! I can't imagine
anything more traumatic!

Well, I warned you, Ms. Harper.

Nobody wants a plain dessert.

Cakes are like women.

You gotta doll
'em up a little bit

if you expect
people to take notice.

Well, maybe you're right, Naomi.

Who would know
more about baked goods

than the queen of tarts?

Ha ha ha! Hey, gals!
Look what I found.

What are you doin' with
my old bathroom scale?

I need it for my booth
down at the carnival.

I'm gonna guess
people's weights.

With that old thing?

Every time I stand
on that piece of junk

it adds 20 pounds to my weight.

No, mama, look.
It works perfect.

I'm telling you the
damn scale lies!

Uh, uh, Vint, don't you usually
operate one of the rides?

Yes, he does, but this year,

he decided to do
something different.

You mean, the carnival
committee decided for him.

Well, it wasn't my fault

the tilt-a-whirl got
stuck in overdrive

with the reverend's wife on it.

The woman tossed more
cookies than Mrs. Fields.

Hey, everybody!
I did it! I did it!

I just booked the hottest
band in the Tri-State area.

Oh, Hank Wilson and
his Harmonica Hepcats?

Uh, no, Miss Boylen,
The Bone Crushers.

The Bone Crushers?

Who's their lead singer,
Andre, The Giant?

All rock bands have
colorful names nowadays.

Bubba, I would love
to see them sometime.

Well, Aunt Naomi,
you're in luck.

They're gonna be
stoppin' by tonight.

- Hey!
- To sign their contracts?

That and to sleep.
Well, if you excuse me.

I gotta go take care of some
last minute arrangements.

Hold it right there, you
penny ante promoter.

Did I just hear
somethin' about sleepin'?

Uh, Yeah, well, see, as the
entertainment coordinator

I didn't have enough money

to hire the band and
pay for their hotel. Ahem.

So?

So I sorta, kinda

promised that the
band could stay here.

Well, you can
"sorta, kinda" forget it.

But, grandma, it's
only for one night!

It's carnival weekend!

I don't have time
for houseguests.

I'm gonna be bakin' my butt off.

Oh, come on, Ms. harper.
Havin' 'em here would be fun.

Yeah, I'll bring
my accordion over.

We can jam!

Iola, I don't think

The Bone Crushers
are into polkas.

Oh, grandma, look, I promise

they won't be
any trouble at all.

That's right, mama,
they won't be any trouble

because I will be here

to keep those rock
'n' rollers in line.

See? Not a thing to worry about.

What do you say?

Oh, alright.

Lord, what do you
feed a bone crusher?

Thanks, grandma.
You won't regret this.

Yeah, yeah, everybody
told me the same damn thing

when I started havin' kids.

Oh, good Lord!

Don't tell me the
litterbug is still at it.

Yes, Ms. Harper, a
serious silhouette artist

must cut, cut, cut.

Well, I say cut,
cut, cut it out.

There's enough
paper on this floor

to housebreak a Great Dane.

Ooh! Mama, hold it!

Don't move.

What the hell do
you think you're doin'?

I'm tryin' to guess your weight.

Vinton, I got a better idea.

Why don't you guess which hand

I'm gonna smack you with.

Knock it off.

Help me pick up this mess.

I don't know why you're
making such a fuss, Ms. Harper.

It's just a bunch
of rock 'n' rollers

not the board of health.

Oh, mama, that must be the boys.

Ha ha! I hope they're not
too weird looking for you.

Vinton, I have
lived a full life.

There is nothin'
that's gonna shock me.

Okay, everybody. Presenting
The Bone Crushers!

Believe me, I've seen it all.

Somehow, I managed to miss this.

Yo, Higgins!

You expect us to stay here?

I don't even see an ice machine.

Yeah, but this place has
all the comforts of home.

That's because it is a home.

My home.

Grandma, Aunt Naomi, Uncle Vint

I'd like you to meet
Ciji, Mojo, and Snake.

The Bone Crushers.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Oh, well!

I'm, uh, p-pleased to meet you.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

I see where your
band gets its name.

Well, this certainly
is a surprise.

My grandson neglected to mention

that you were an all-girl band.

You are all girls, aren't you?

Ah, grandma,
she's such a kidder.

Say, I know a boy who
plays bass in the sub-deviates.

His hair's the same
shade of blue as yours.

Small world.

Knock, knock. Thelma, do you've
an extra vacuum cleaner bag?

I'm fresh out. Oh! I had
no idea you had company.

Oh, sure. You always
do your vacuuming

at nine o'clock at night.

Hey, I get it, the beanpole
here must be a fan.

Say, uh, beanpole, say
hello to The Bone Crushers.

Mojo, Ciji, and Snake.

Snake?

Well, why don't you all

stay right here
and get acquainted

and I'll go outside and
unload the equipment?

Yo, Higgins, you're gonna
need help with that stuff.

Make yourself useful, pops!

Right away, Miss Snake.

That is my husband.

Too bad.

Well, just make
yourself at home.

Atta girl.

So, uh, why don't you ladies
tell us all about yourselves.

Where are you from? How
long you been together?

What time you checkin' out?

Come on, Ms. Harper.
They just got here.

You'll have to forgive
my mother-in-law, girls.

She doesn't know
how to treat celebrities.

Excuse me, dear.

I'm afraid you have
a run in your stockin'.

Uh, okay, where
do you want this?

Good Lord! A chainsaw?

Are you girls musicians
or lumberjacks?

Yeah, we use it in our number

"Vroom! I wanna
saw your face in half."

Uh, it's their big love ballad.

- So where do we crash?
- You don't crash anywhere.

I guess you can sleep
upstairs in Bubba's room.

Hey, thanks, grandma.

Because Bubba will be
sleepin' down here on the sofa

and I will be standin' right
here with the chainsaw.

Okay, ladies. Follow me.

Right this way.

Well, if I do say so myself

my salute to the Civil War
kitchen cozy collection's

gonna be the hit of
the church carnival.

Well, bully for you, Iola.

I've still gotta find a fancy
cake for my dessert booth.

Well, that's just poor
plannin', Thelma.

I started these six months ago.

I'm especially proud of The
Monitor and The Merrimack.

See, The Monitor is your juicer

and The Merrimack
is your blender.

It's two proud vessels'

battle for control
of your countertop.

Iola, I'm battlin' for
control of my sanity here.

Now get those things gone!

I'll see you later, grandma.

Where the hell you
think you're goin'?

You are not leavin' me here
to baby-sit those boneheads.

Bone Crushers, grandma.

I'm goin' down to the
gym for a sound check.

Well, you should have checked
out their sounds last night.

Did those girls keep
you awake, Thelma?

I'm tellin' you.

With all that laughin' and
chatterin' and carryin' on

it was like a slumber
party from hell.

Well, if they wake
up before I get back

just keep 'em entertained.

Oh, yeah, right. I'll take
them out to the garage.

They can wear my tire chains.

Hey, everybody!

How do I look?

Like you're gonna
deliver a pizza.

He does not.

He looks like a
genuine carnival barker.

- Do your pitch, honey.
- Okay.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Step right up!

If I can't guess your
weight within five pounds

I will eat this hat!

Well, at least you'll
be gettin' your fiber.

So, Naomi, who are
you supposed to be

"Toulouse le tramp"?

How dare you?

I am the famous artiste Naomi,

and these are my magic scissors.

We better go, Skeeter.

We got to get
down to the carnival

and set up our booths.

Oui, oui, mon cheri.

Now, you just remember, Frenchy

you lose my good
sewing scissors,

I'm gonna kick
you in your cancan.

Well, Thelma, since my
carnival project is complete

I'll do the neighborly thing
and help you with your cakes.

Well, thank goodness. Here. I
haven't even found a recipe yet.

Mornin', granny.

Mornin', beanpole.

On second thought

you know what they say
about too many cooks.

Iola!

Sit down, girls.

I got you some oatmeal
warmin' on the stove.

Ah, forget the gruel,
granny. Just coffee.

Oh, no. You girls are gonna
have a decent breakfast.

You need energy to
saw people's faces in half.

Well, we get all the energy
we need from our candy stash.

Jawbreaker?

Well, for heaven's sake,

eatin' this junk for breakfast.

No wonder you girls have
such nasty dispositions.

- Hold it, granny...
- Sit!

Yeah.

Now, you're not
gettin' up from this table

until you have at
least tried my oatmeal.

Yeah, well, let's
humor the old gal.

Come on now, Ciji. Come
on. Give it a try. Here you go.

Now, you've got to have a
little cinnamon on it. Here you go.

There you go.

Hey, you know, for
nasty-lookin' stuff

this doesn't taste too bad.

Well, thank you
for the rave, Mojo.

It is good!

How 'bout another
hit of cinnamon?

- Oh, you got it, toots.
- Mmm.

That smell reminds me
of my gram-gram's kitchen.

You have a gram-gram?

Yeah. Oh, she's
a wonderful cook.

I guess all gram-grams
are wonderful cooks.

Not like hers.

She's always sending
us these fine cakes

when we're on the road.

- Cakes?
- Well, yeah.

Her gram-gram even won
prizes for her candy cake.

Candy cake...

Mmm, yeah, I'd like to
have a slice of that right now.

Well, maybe that could
be arranged, Mojo.

If you girls can show me how
to make one of those suckers

I'll bet we could whip it up
quicker than you can say

"Rock 'n' roll is here to stay."

See, now, you just do like this.

Flip it over there,
give it a little shake

and... ta-da!

Whoa! Thelma, you
make it look so easy.

It's a gift.

Now, see, Mojo, this is not
the way you beat frosting.

You've got to put the bowl
up in your arm like this.

Now, just whup the
livin' daylights out of it.

There you go.

- Whoa! Hey, this is wild!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll bet you didn't know
bakin' could be this violent.

Help. Disaster has struck.

Well, what's the
matter, beanpole?

It's a cozy catastrophe.

Daddy tried to make a
grilled cheese sandwich

without takin' the cover
off the toaster oven. Look.

Sherman's March has turned
into the burnin' of Atlanta.

Well, Iola, war is
hell. Right, girls?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, it's not funny, Thelma.

It took me six
months to make these.

Now Sherman's goin'
into battle with burnt buns.

Hey... isn't that your
basic felt applique?

Uh-huh.

I could help you make a new one.

You?

Yeah. My sister
was an exotic dancer.

I used to help make
all her costumes.

Say no more.

Snake, you run
along and help Iola.

Uh, uh, b-b-b-but, Thelma...

But nothin', Iola.

If she can use a chainsaw

I'm sure she can
handle a glue gun.

Oh, uh, very well.
Come along, Snake, dear.

I hope General Sherman

doesn't wind up with
pasties and a G-string.

Hurry. Let's get a move
on. Get that other layer.

Come on. Here we go.

Come on, girls,
let's get a move on!

It's almost 1:30!

Be right down, Thelma!

Grandma?

Grandma! Oh, grandma,
where are the girls?

I set up an interview for them

at the college TV
station this afternoon.

I'm sorry. They're busy.

Well, they can't be. They
gotta plug the show tonight.

What could be more
important than that?

The church carnival.

The Bone Crushers are
going to the church carnival?

Yeah, how else
are they gonna see

how their handicrafts
and their cakes are sellin'?

Grandma, what are
you talking about?

I'll tell you what, Bubba.

I don't know where
me and Iola would be

without those
heavy-metal darlings.

They blow me away.

Check out this cake.

- The Bone Crushers made that?
- Yeah.

Thelma! Okay,
the girls are ready.

Aren't they adorable?

Purty as a picture.

What have you done to my band?

I just altered a
few of my dresses

slapped on some
Dippity Do, and voila!

What's the matter, Higgins?
Don't you like the retro look?

Don't pay him any mind. They're
gonna love you at the carnival.

We better rehearse our number
one more time before we go.

Number?

Yeah, your gram-gram taught us.

We're gonna sing in
front of the dessert booth.

I tell you, if this doesn't sell
those candy cakes, nothin' will.

Now, just picture this, Bubba.

The sweetest little girls

in the sweetest little
dresses you ever saw,

standin' in front of
the sweetest little cake,

singin' the
sweetest little song.

Okay, Bone Crushers, hit it!

♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ Boom boom boom boom boom ♪♪

♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ Boom boom boom boom boom ♪♪

♪♪ Sugar in the morning
Sugar in the evening ♪♪

♪♪ Sugar at suppertime ♪♪

♪♪ Be my little sugar
and love me all the time ♪♪

♪♪ Honey in the morning
Honey in the evening ♪♪

♪♪ Honey at suppertime ♪♪

♪♪ Be my little honey
and love me all the time ♪♪

Here's your big solo, Moj!

♪♪ Put your arms around me ♪♪

♪♪ And swear by stars above ♪♪

♪♪ You'll be mine forever
in a heaven of love ♪♪

♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ Boom boom boom boom boom ♪♪

Take over here, Iola!

♪♪ Sugar in the morning
Sugar in the evening ♪♪

♪♪ Sugar at suppertime ♪♪

♪♪ Be my little sugar and ♪♪

♪♪ Love me ♪♪
♪♪ Love me ♪♪

♪♪ All ♪♪
♪♪ All ♪♪

♪♪ All ♪♪
♪♪ All the time ♪♪

♪♪ Sugar time sugar
time sugar time ♪♪♪♪

Well, I just can't believe

all the excitement
over your candy cakes.

Oh, I know. I haven't seen
that much fuss over sugar

since World War II.

And I'm so glad my
cozies went to good homes.

Hear! Hear!

Well, we're back.

Boy, this shiner's killin' me.

Well, Vinton, what did you
think was gonna happen

when you told Roselle
Huplander she weighs 309 pounds?

Well... she didn't
say I was wrong.

And I didn't sell
one single silhouette.

That's what I get for trying
to bring art to Raytown.

So where are the Lennon Sisters?

Adjusting their hair ribbons?

Slipping on their
wrist corsages?

Oh, stop your snivelin'.

I bet your college friends
are gonna just love them.

They'll think those girls are
the sweethearts of Sigma Chi.

Snake! Ha! Ciji! Mojo!

You're back!

Oh, girls.

Bummer!

Sorry, Thelma.

Hey, we had a great
time playing dress up

but, uh... this is us.

Come on, Thelma,
don't look so sad.

We'll come see you next
time we blow into town.

Remember, you promised to
show us how to put up preserves.

So, uh, still got a date?

Alright, I'll give you the
scoops on my jellies and jams

but you girls got to do me
a favor before you leave.

Those fishnet stockings...

do they make them
suckers in queen size?