Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 9 - Bedtime for Bubba - full transcript

Come on, Skeeter,
let's go down to bed.

No, Vinton. You know the rules.

Oh, okay.

It's... Mama? Is
that you in there?

No, Vinton.

It's Jack the Ripper
knittin' a knife.

Well, where's
Bubba? It's awfully late.

Don't tell me he's still
at the library studying.

Yep. Him and some kid,
Toni, from his geology class.

In the past two weeks

he's seen more of this Toni
than he has his own family.



Well, Bubba has to study to
get good grades, Ms. Harper.

College is hard!

I know. I just didn't realize

how hard it was gonna be on me.

When does that
library close, anyway?

- Not till midnight.
- Midnight?

Why would a library stay
open till such an ungodly hour?

All that does is encourage
the undesirable element

to come in and read smut.

Well, if you're so sleepy

why don't you go on up to bed?

Yeah, me and Naomi
can wait up for Bubba.

Looks like we're gonna
be awake a while longer.

On a weeknight?



Usually by this time

you two have been
in bed for hours..

And asleep for minutes.

Not anymore.

Oh, come on, honey, I
know this is difficult for you

but if I want to get pregnant

we have got to stop making love.

Well, now, no wonder you
two are havin' so much trouble.

Maybe it's time
we had a little talk.

We know about the
facts of life, Ms. Harper.

We're just trying out
a few helpful hints

from this new bestseller,
"101 Ways To Pregnancy."

You mean there's more than one?

Well, yes!

This doctor has come
up with lots of great ideas

to help couples conceive.

For example..

"total abstinence
for a week or more."

Huh!

"Change of diet."

"Making love in a
different location."

Oh, well, now..

There is the one
we ought to try next.

Let me see, here. You..

Oh ho ho ho!

"A perfect place to stir up

"a new recipe for passion

is the kitchen table."

Oh, no!

There'll be no dirty
doings on my dinette.

You don't need that
trash to make a baby.

You just have
accidents, like I did.

Thanks a lot, Mama.

Oh, don't be mad at her, Vinton.

She's just angry
'cause Bubba's late.

Yeah, Mama, well,
there's no need

sittin' down here
losin' sleep over him.

Why don't you go on upstairs?

Well, I guess you're right.
I might as well lose sleep

over him in my nice, warm bed.

Uh-huh.

Nighty-night, Ms. Harper.

You two set one foot
near my kitchen table

and I'm callin'
out the vice squad.

Say, I can't think on
an empty stomach.

The baloney and
mustard are in the fridge.

I'll get the bread.

Who is makin' all that
racket down there?

Bubba, is that
you in the kitchen?

Yeah, Grandma.

Me and Toni are havin'
a little midnight snack.

Well, you're about
45 minutes late.

Hey!

You two lug nuts got
any idea what time it is?

Well, they closed
the library on us.

So we came here
to finish studyin'.

We should be done
in about an hour or so.

Bubba, this is no lug nut.

I know. Grandma,
meet Toni Malone.

Hi.

Don't you sweet-talk me, missy.

Just what exactly have you
been doin' with my grandson

till the wee hours
of the morning?

She's helpin' me study
for my geology final.

In those tight jeans?

Does your mother know that
you're out with a boy all night?

Sure. My parents
trust me completely.

They let me study
as late as I want.

Toni has a... brilliant
mind, Grandma.

It's not her mind
I'm worried about.

It's what's on yours.

Ouch!

Grandma! What's the big deal?

Guys and girls study
together all the time.

Oh, yeah? Well, in my day

young people never
studied this late together

till after they were married.

There's nothing
between us, Grandma.

I feel the same about
Toni as I would another guy.

Bubba, do you want
your crusts cut off?

Yes, please.

I don't recall you
ever askin' T-boy

to cut off your crusts.

Would you please
go back up to bed?

Listen, if you two
are really studyin'

then there's no reason
your grandmother

cannot stay here and watch.

Grandma, I am in a college now.

I'm practically an adult.

If you don't start
trustin' me more

I'll just move into the dorm.

Fine. Why don't you do that?

At least in a dorm they
won't let you stay up

all night with a girl.

It's a co-ed dorm.

I'll just go on back to bed

and let you two
adults hit the books.

- Thank you, Grandma.
- I'm warnin' you, mister.

You watch how you study.
No readin' with your lips.

Would you care for a
sandwich, Mrs. Harper?

No, thank you, this
old lady has swallowed

enough baloney for one night.

Knock, knock!

Well, aren't you
ready to go yet?

We're gonna be late.

We've got to be at the
Niedermeyer's by 9:00.

Don't... don't... don't...

don't talk with your mouth full.

What's the big rush?

The sale doesn't
start till 10:00.

We've to be there an hour
early to line up outside the door.

Oh, for pity's sake, Iola.

This is Raytown, not Russia.

Well, you remember how crowded

the after-Christmas
sale was last year.

Well, why is that?

There's nothin' uglier
than a picked-over Santa

in the middle of January.

Lord, look at the way
Bubba keeps his room.

If he expects me to
treat him like an adult

he better learn how
to pick up his clothes.

And look at the way
he leaves his bed.

I'll tell you what, I'm
not gonna make it.

I don't blame you. Come on.

I'm not one of those
mothers that goes nuts

just because every bed
in the house isn't made.

Good.

I'll walk right out that door

and not give this
a second thought.

Fine.

It can stay that way
till hell freezes over.

Fine.

Alright, you know how I like it.

Hospital corners. Pull
the sheets up tight.

Bounce a quarter.
I know, I know.

Hold on. Hold on.

There's somethin'
glowin' under here.

Well, what the... Oh, my Lord.

What... what is it, Thelma?

It looks like Bubba's been
expandin' more than his mind.

Well, I am not
gonna stand for it!

Not under my roof!

Not from a teenage boy!

Not in my dead sister's bed!

Thelma.

Now, just calm down.

Now, maybe it's
not what you think.

Maybe there's a
logical explanation.

You're right. Let's
examine the facts.

First, Bubba and a gorgeous girl

come in way after midnight.

Then, he insists
that I leave him alone

to study with her, in private.

Then, the next mornin'

I find a black brassiere
in his unmade bed.

Now, what can we
deduce from these facts?

That I'm gonna kill him!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Now, you are
jumpin' to conclusions

on the barest bones of evidence.

Bubba is the one jumpin'
on the bare bones, not me!

And what if you are wrong?

Now, just last week, I read
a letter in "Ann Landers"

where this mother
found ladies' underthings

in her son's bedroom.

Lord! You know if it's in
"Ann", it's an epidemic.

Well, this mother, like you

suspected hanky-panky

and she angrily
confronted her son.

Only to learn..

The lacy silks..

Were his.

You mean...

Ew-w-w!

Well, apparently, it
happens all the time

and mothers are
often the last to know.

He did say he wanted
to pierce his ear.

Maybe he was tryin'
to tell me somethin'.

Well, there. You see?

And you were ready
to think the worst.

Wait a minute!

This thing couldn't
possibly belong to Bubba.

A big, strappin' boy like him.

He would need at least a D-cup.

I don't know why I
listen to a word you say!

Well, it was just a theory.

Face it, Iola, Bubba
has been sowin' wild oats

and now he is
gonna get a thrashin'.

Thelma, Bubba is
innocent until proven guilty.

Oh, what am I supposed
to do, get Polaroids?

You can't just confront
him without proof positive.

What if you're wrong?

He'll just think you're a
meddlesome old snoop.

He'll never trust you again.

Well, then I won't confront him.

I'll find a way to
make him confess.

Oh, how?

Never underestimate
the power of guilt.

Mark my words, by
the time the day is done

Bubba's gonna get this
thing off his chest quicker

than he got this off of hers.

Mm-mmm! Grandma,
this dinner's delicious.

Can I have seconds? I'm starved.

Well, of course
you are, sweetie.

That's because you're
workin' so hard at your studies.

You know, it almost
makes the terrible

financial burden
on me seem light.

Knowin' that you're goin'
at it as hard as you are.

- There you go, sweetie.
- Thanks, Grandma.

You know, Vinton, you should
eat more oysters too, honey.

Because our book
says they really increase

your chances of pregnancy.

Uh, take Bubba's. He's done.

- Grandma!
- Nah.

No sense makin'
a pig of yourself.

Thelma, is there
any coffee left?

Uh, yeah, comin' right up.

Oh, uh, I'd like a cup myself.

I got another long
night ahead of me.

Oh, did you hear that?

Another long night.

When most boys his age
are out tomcattin' and carousin'

our Bubba only has
one thing on his mind.

Gettin' educated.

What's wrong with Mama?

She's so nice.

Uh, well, you would all not
believe this, the bargains

down at Niedermeyer's
after-Christmas sale today.

What did you get?

I got the cutest set of

Rudolph the Reindeer
musical coasters.

When you lift your glass,
his little nose lights up

and the coaster spins
around, plays his song.

All six for only $12.99.

I couldn't make 'em for that.

You know, that
reminds me, honey.

I bought you something
at the store today, too.

- Come on and see.
- Oh, goody. I love surprises.

- What is it?
- Go ahead. See for yourself.

You..

Good night!

Where'd you buy
those, Banana Republic?

Oh, gee, Skeeter, they...
they seem kind of roomy.

Well, honey,
they're for the baby.

Well, they'd really
be big on him.

No, Vinton.

Our pregnancy book says

that a man can
become twice as potent

simply by changing
his underwear.

I change my underwear every day!

Yes, honey, but I mean

from jockeys to boxers.

What do you say we go downstairs

and see how they look on?

Good idea.

Uh... strictly experimental.

For the baby.

Yeah, if they
don't work for that

you can always use them
as a windsock at the airport.

Thank you, Thelma.

And a nice, hot cup
for my college man.

Thanks.

Oh, Bubba... I'm
so proud of you.

What for?

For bein' the fine, young man

that you've turned out to be.

You know, there are
so many temptations

in the world nowadays for
young people to go wrong.

And I know that I have
raised a young man

who is able to
resist those urges.

Haven't I?

Ye-uh... I guess so.

I know so.

When I think of how you and Toni

are doin' everything
under the sun

to take advantage
of the education

that this poor old widow
woman is givin' to you.

It fills my heart
to overflowin'.

I mean it.

That's just something
that I felt I had to tell you.

Thanks, Grandma.

Now, do you have something
that you have to tell me?

Uh... yeah.

But I was, um..

I was afraid it might upset you.

Well, go ahead, honey.

You can tell your
grandma anything.

Iola was just leavin'.

Oh, no, that's
okay. She can stay.

Well... you see,
i-it's about Toni.

Somehow, I knew.

Well, sh-she thinks

that I'm not ready
for that final tomorrow.

So... well, I... I was wonderin'

if we could come here
tonight after the library closes

and pull an all-nighter.

An all-nighter?

Yeah. Toni says I
need it really bad.

Mm-hmm.

I just bet she does.

Well, Bubba... if
you feel in your heart

that our home is
the proper setting

in which to... pull
your all-nighter...

who am I to say no?

Great! Thanks, Grandma.

Well, I gotta go. We'll
be home around midnight.

- No need to wait up.
- No, no. Of course not.

I trust you.

Bye, Ms. Boylen.

Well... Thelma, I am impressed.

You did the right thing by
cuttin' Bubba a little slack.

Slack, hell! I'm just givin'
that collegiate Casanova

enough rope to hang himself!

And guess who's gonna
operate the gallows.

Come on.

Thelma, are you sure you
wanna go through with this?

Don't you back out on me now.

You are the one who
said Bubba was innocent

until proven guilty. Now,
give me the jingle bells.

Here.

You're not gonna take
them apart, are you?

I'll put them on mother's walker

when she goes
carolin' next year.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, look, what we're gonna do

is sew them to the
edge of the spring.

That way, if Bubba stays
downstairs all night studyin'

no harm done, but
if he comes up here

and tries to feather his
nest with Ms. Egghead...

these chimes are gonna ring

long before his do.

Thelma, should we
cross-stitch these

or will a simple
basting suffice?

Just shut up and sew!

Shh, don't make a noise.

My Lord, it's them!

Why are they back so soon?

They must have switched
from geology to anatomy.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, no! It's too late
to make a run for it.

Uh, we can hide in the closet.

Get the light. Hurry up!

I told you we shouldn't do this!

You were the one who
said I needed proof.

Well, missy, we're
about to get it.

Shh.

We don't want her to hear.

I'm gonna be sick.

Iola, get a grip!

Oh, baby, you got
my ears to ringing.

- Vinton!
- Naomi!

- Mama!
- Iola!

What are you two
doin' in Bubba's room?

What are you two
doing in his closet?

Mendin'.

I... I just came up to sew
on a few missin' buttons.

Tinker Bell was helpin' me.

A likely story.

Shame on you, Mama. Shame...

Don't you shame me.

You're the one in
the God-awful shorts.

Say, what do you do?

Hide in different
closets around the house

hopin' to get lucky?

Is that how you get your kicks?

You're gonna get a
kick in your trampy butt

if you don't explain why
you're in Bubba's bedroom.

Uh, well, we were just
tryin' out different places

like our pregnancy book said.

Oh, that explains it,
Mother said she heard

this awful howling in
our garage last night.

Oh, th-that wasn't us.
We were up here last night.

You mean it was you
two in this bed last night?

Well, I should of known
that sleazy, black bra

belonged to Naomi.

Now she's checkin'
out my lingerie.

Lady, you need
professional help.

You know what this
means, don't you, Iola?

Bubba was studyin', after all.

I told you not to
jump to conclusions.

You told me he
was into wearin' lace!

Are we the only normal
ones in this family?

Hey, if you two Fruits
Of The Loom are normal

then I am proud to be a pervert!

Get the hell outta this room
before I turn the hose on you!

Move it!

Bubba, we better
go over the properties

of igneous rocks one more time.

- Okay.
- Alright you two bookworms.

Here's some fresh, warm cookies

to go with them
sandwiches and coffee.

- Thanks a lot, Mrs. Harper.
- Don't thank me.

You two are the ones
that are workin' so hard.

Well, I'm off to bed, the
last thing you two need

is an old interfering woman
to keep you from your studies.

Goodnight, Grandma.

Night-night, sweetie.

I'm so proud of you.

Lord, it is good to know

you can still trust
young people nowadays.