Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 21 - A Taxing Situation - full transcript
Mama does some creative accounting on her income tax return. Her victory over Uncle Sam is short-lived, however, when an IRS agent comes calling.
Okay, Bubba, here's the
total on all those checks.
Bubba, please hurry
up with that calculator.
Don't bother him
while he's tryin' to add.
You two have been hoggin'
that calculator all night.
That's because we're
itemizin' our income-tax return.
You're just usin'
the short form.
Well, if it's so short, how
come it's takin' so long?
I'll be done in a
minute, Grandma.
I still don't know why
you wait till April 15 to file.
Because it's an American
tradition, that's why.
Like buyin' your turkey
the day before Thanksgivin'
or shoppin' for presents
on Christmas Eve.
That's what this
country is all about...
puttin' things off.
Well, I wish we'd
started earlier.
This form 1040 is
sure complicated.
Oh, not for me.
At food circus, I'm fillin'
out stuff all day long.
This is a snap compared to
the toilet-paper re-order form.
I sure as hell hope you
don't cheat Mr. Whipple
the way you're
cheatin' Uncle Sam.
We do not cheat on our taxes.
Do we, Skeeter?
Certainly not, Vinton.
This is called
creative accounting.
Creative horse puckey!
How in the world do you explain
this beauty-parlor total
you got deducted here?
These are perfectly legitimate
work-related deductions.
As assistant manager,
I have an obligation
to look my best for the public.
Oh, get real! As long as you
fork over their developed film
and okay their checks, the
public doesn't give a damn
whether your roots
are touched up or not.
Come on, Miss Harper.
The government expects
you to cheat a little.
Yeah, besides, they only audit
one in a million
of these things.
Okay, Grandma, it's done.
All you got to do is sign it.
Oh, it is so nice to have a
college man in the house.
So, how much am I
gettin' back, sweetie?
Well, your line 22 is
larger than your line 24.
Spare me the technicalities.
How much money are we talkin'?
Uh, $253.
You hear that, you cheaters?
I'm gettin' back 253 bucks.
No, uh, Grandma,
that's what you owe.
That can't be right!
I've never had to pay!
I always get a little
somethin' back!
Ow!
Oh, honey, this is
better than I hoped!
We are gonna get a $312 refund!
Wow, Skeeter!
We hit the jackpot!
I cannot believe connivin'
crooks like you get money back
and honest citizens
like me have to pay!
Re-add that thing!
Knock, knock!
Thelma, you ready for Bingo?
I'm ready for the booby hatch!
Uh-oh. What's the problem?
Her tax return is
not returnin' anything.
Why don't you two return to
the hole you crawled out of!
Finish your taxes, Miss Boylen?
Oh, my, yes.
Mother, Daddy, and I always
do our taxes on new year's eve.
My, what a festive way
to ring in the new year.
Nothin' else to do since
Guy Lombardo died.
Mother does enjoy Dick
Clark's "Rockin' New Year's Eve".
That's because your
mother and Dick Clark
are about the same age.
Wait a minute, Grandma.
You were right. I
did make a mistake.
You don't owe $253.
- Good work, Bubba.
- You owe $264.
Well, thanks a lot,
H & R blockhead!
I told you, Mama. The long
form is the only way to go.
Oh, Vint's right.
It's amazin' how much
you save when you itemize.
Just deductin' Mother's itch
cream put us in a lower bracket.
Unfortunately, I happen
to be the picture of health.
What am I gonna deduct?
Well, how about your
charity donations?
Why, that's right. You could
claim all those old clothes
that you gave to
the rummage sale.
I can?
And that old air conditioner.
And the toaster oven
that was on the blink.
Well, what do you know?
All that worthless junk
was worth somethin' after all.
Well, let's see, I
donated four aprons.
That's 5 bucks a piece.
They're worth that
in rickrack alone.
Bubba, start
addin' this stuff up.
Let's see that air conditioner
just needed some Freon
and a compressor and a motor.
It would be just like
new. Put down 85 bucks.
$65! $65.
That's the spirit, Miss Harper!
Okay, you're up to $85.
Alright! Do I hear $90?
Don't forget the pies and
cakes you made for the bake-off.
Good answer! Put down
six cakes at three bucks each.
No, no. Make it 5 bucks. They
had walnuts and fresh coconut.
That's $115.
We broke $100! We broke $100!
Let's don't stop
till we hit $264!
Uh, what about your corn pads?
Great! We're movin'
into major medical!
Put down 30 bucks for corn pads.
Which brings us to a
biggie, support hose!
Phew! I'll tell you what, Iola..
Nothin' can kill an afternoon
quite like the sidewalk
sale at Ray-mart.
What is it about a rack of
shoes sittin' out in the sun
that makes 'em irresistible?
I don't know, I think all of
the heat from the tarmac
just fries your brain.
How else do you explain
me spendin' good money
on this stupid garden froggy?
I tried to talk you out of him.
This is the most repulsive
impulse buy I have ever made.
Well, what do you think?
Does it look good there?
Well, hell, maybe he'll
scare away the salesmen.
Afternoon, Vint.
Hello, ladies... Mr. Frog.
Hey! Hey! It's here!
Skeeter! Skeeter, come quick!
It's our income-tax refund!
Oh! Don't open it without me!
Good Lord!
It's from Uncle Sam,
not Ed McMahon.
Oh, now, Thelma, you
must admit it's a thrill
to get that big green check.
When ours came,
Mother got so excited
she walked around
the bedroom... twice.
Oh, baby!
The envelope, please.
And the winners are
Vinton and Naomi Harper
to the tune of..
Three hundred
and twelve dollars!
Ooh!
Please, not in
front of the frog!
Mama, you're just jealous
'cause we got a refund
check and you didn't.
That's right, Miss Harper.
If you'd spent more
time lookin' for deductions
you could've gotten some money
back instead of breakin' even.
Can we just continue this
discussion in the house?
The entire neighborhood
does not need to know
about my personal finances.
Grandma, there you are.
While you were gone,
you got a call from the IRS.
What?
Oh boy, maybe they're
gonna deliver a package.
That's UPS, you dipstick!
Good Lord! What in the world
does the internal
revenue want with me?
I don't know, but it
must be pretty important.
The guy made an
appointment to come by
at 10:00 on Monday morning.
Here?
They're sendin'
a fed to my house!
Uh-oh. This doesn't
look good, Thelma.
Who the hell said it did?
The man said if you
had any questions
you could call him
back before five.
Ten after, wouldn't you know it?
I'm gonna have to sweat
this out all weekend!
This is all your fault, Kermit!
Sounds like an
audit, Miss Harper.
Boy, you are in big trouble.
You told me they only
audit one in a million!
Well, I always said you
were one in a million, Mama.
Go stick it in your 1040!
Mornin', everybody.
- Hey there, sport.
- Hello, Bubba.
Gee, Grandma,
you sure look tired.
Well, of course I'm tired.
I didn't get a wink of sleep.
I was up all night worryin'.
About your tax audit?
No, Bubba, I was
worried Roseanne Barr
might sit on one of her kids.
Grandma, come on.
It's probably just a mistake.
Yeah. You're makin' a
big deal about nothin'.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Now, just what is that
supposed to mean?
Well, I don't want to
scare you, Miss Harper,
but Betty Ann Blake,
one of my checkers
got a call from the IRS,
and he ended up auditing her
for her last four
years worth of returns.
Uh-huh.
If you didn't want to scare
me, why did you tell me that?
Knock, knock! Thelma, good news.
You got me a
presidential pardon?
No, I talked to my cousin
Leland over in Hinckley,
you know, the CPA...
and he says you have
nothin' to worry about.
Well, bless his
pencil-pushin' little heart!
Accordin' to Leland, the
worst thing that could happen
is that the IRS would disallow
a few of your deductions.
Pull up a chair, Iola.
And then they might make
you pay a little more taxes
plus penalties and interest.
That's it? They're not gonna
lock me and throw away the key?
Of course not.
See, Mama, you
worried for nothin'.
The only way you
could get into real trouble
is if you failed to
disclose all your income.
No problem there. I
wrote down everything.
My social security,
my pension money.
And, of course, your
babysitting money.
And your winnings from Bingo.
Plus the interest from
your savings account.
Where the hell were
all of you people
when I was fillin' out line 11?
You mean you didn't
declare those things?
You all had me too busy lookin'
for those stupid deductions!
Thelma, say it isn't so.
Income-tax evasion
is a serious offense.
Yeah. Al Capone
was convicted of that.
Oh, my Lord!
Wow, I can't believe it.
My Mama and Al Capone
could go up the river
for the same crime!
Well, Vinton, do me a favor
on visitin' days, stay home!
Well, that certainly was
a lovely church service.
Well, I cannot stand
that new organist.
Gee, I thought he
was pretty good.
He's a professional, Mama. He
plays at all the baseball games.
Well, call me old-fashioned
but I don't think it's appropriate
right before communion to hear
Da-da da-da da-daa!
And then the whole congregation
yells "charge"!
Oh, come on, Miss Harper,
if you weren't so worried
about your personal tax problems
you could've joined in to
the spirit of the situation.
Yeah, you were the
only one in our pew
who didn't get up
and do the wave.
Vinton, I go to
church to worship
not to root for the home team.
So, Thelma, you all prepared
for your tax audit tomorrow?
Well, I said my prayers
and I coughed up two
$20s for the collection plate.
What else can I do?
Plenty. Betty Ann figured
out what to do for her audit
and she ended up not
havin' to pay one dime.
Well, don't just sit
there drawin' flies! Spill it!
Okay, well she put
on a low-cut blouse
and her micro-mini
and her spikiest heels.
When that IRS agent
took one look at her
the only numbers on
his mind were 38-24-36.
You all think that would
work for 44-36-48?
Why don't you
bake him somethin'?
I'm doomed.
Not necessarily, Grandma.
All you have to do is charm him.
Just be the sweet,
kind, little old lady.
Yeah, Mama. Lie to him.
Best of luck,
Thelma. I better be off.
Hold it, bones. Nobody
is goin' anywhere.
All you con artist got me into
this. You're gonna help me out.
- But, Mama...
- Don't you "but" me
unless you'd like
yours in a sling!
If I'm gonna go down
in the sinking ship
I'm takin' all of
you rats with me!
Now, here's the plan...
I don't know about this perm.
I think they forgot
the neutralizer.
I hope that guy goes for
the Orphan-Annie look.
Alright, Thelma. Try
and look innocent.
I look like Dustin
Hoffman in "Rain Man".
Jesus! It's the feds!
Just a minute!
- Hello, hi there!
- Mrs. Harper.
I'm Agent Arthur Booth from
the Internal Revenue Service.
I was just admiring your frog.
Oh, you like him? He's yours.
No, no, thank you. It's
against government regulations
to accept gifts from tax-payers.
Oh. You hear that, Kermit?
Isn't it good to know that
there are honest civil servants
like agent Booth workin'
for our government?
Ribb.
Well..
Won't you, uh, enter
my humble home?
Very well, Mrs. Harper.
Thanks for nothin',
you horny toad.
Well, won't you have a
seat on my nice, comfy sofa?
Thank you. Now, the
reason I'm here, Mrs. Harper...
Would you care for a
nice slice of pecan pie?
I'd better not.
It's fresh out of the
oven, homemade.
It is tempting, but my
wife and I are both on diets
and I... promised
her I wouldn't cheat.
Oh, come on, Arthur
it's a piece of pie,
not a cheap blonde.
A nice, well-built
gentleman like yourself
doesn't need to be on a diet.
Well, I suppose a
small piece couldn't hurt.
Now, you're talking', Artie.
Nothin' I admire more than a
man that can hold a dessert.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, look who's here.
It's a little boy scout.
Come on in, scout, and
bring your little wagon with you.
Good morning, ma'am.
My troop is collecting
clothes for the less fortunate.
Uh... would you care
to make a donation?
Oh, my, yes. Are you kiddin'?
I love the less fortunate and
the less fortunate, the better.
Just bring your little wagon up
here and look through my closet
and help yourself to
whatever you'd like.
Golly gee, kind lady,
are you ever generous!
Yeah, well I'm always happy
to help our boys in uniform.
Boys? What is the cut-off
age for scouts nowadays?
Would you like
another piece of pie?
No, thank you, Mrs. Harper.
I'd really like to get
down to business.
Oh, no. Not again.
Excuse me, Arthur. Such
a busy Monday mornin'.
I wonder who this can be.
It's a couple of
poor do-gooders.
Bless you, my
children and come in.
Oh, thank you, madam.
This is Brother Vinton.
And we are from The
Good-Book Foundation.
And we're here to collect money
for our overseas
mission in Indiana.
You mean India, don't
you, Brother Vinton?
Oh, yeah. We got 'em all over.
I'll just go get my purse.
Well, bless your
heart, kind lady.
You're a real saint.
Well, I just can't
say no to anybody.
Uh, can I have a piece of pie?
No! Uh, I mean,
certainly, Brother Vinton.
Here you go. Lord helps
them that help themselves.
Well, Mrs. Harper, I
am a bit pressed for time.
I'll be right with you, Arthur.
Uh, here, will $100 be enough?
Oh, my goodness!
It certainly will!
Thank you so much, kind lady.
Uh, may I get you a receipt?
Oh, no, don't trouble
yourself, sister.
I'm always donatin'
to worthy causes
and I never accept receipts.
That's just the way I am.
Hey, lady, is it okay if I
take this vacuum cleaner?
Well, it is a very
expensive model
but you go ahead and
give it to the poor folks.
They deserve
dust-free homes, too.
Thank you, kind lady.
Mrs. Harper, can we
get on with this, please?
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
To begin with, there are major
discrepancies in your figures.
Discrepancies? Sir? Major?
Yes, I'm referring specifically
to the amount you
entered on line 22.
I didn't enter that
amount, he did!
She made me do it!
You forced a scout
to do your taxes?
Okay, okay! Alright!
You got me! I confess!
I didn't declare
all of my income
and I padded my deductions
by a couple of hundred bucks.
Mrs. Harper... But
I am small potatoes
compared to the other
crooks in this household!
I think we better
be goin', Sister.
Freeze where you stand, Brother!
Just remember, kind lady
it's not a Christian act
to squeal on your family!
The hell it ain't! I'm
not takin' this rap alone!
Mrs. Harper, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
The error in your tax
return was in your favor.
I came here to give you
a refund check for $250.
Well, Arthur, aren't you a doll!
I'm gettin' a refund!
I can't believe it!
And with good reason
after what you've just told me
I think you'd better
file an amended return
with the correct
deductions and income.
- Do I have to?
- I'm afraid so.
And since your
return is now late
you'll have to pay additional
penalties and interest.
You mean I'm gonna wind
up not gettin' a refund at all?
You'll be lucky to break even.
Now, I believe I will
have another piece
of your delicious homemade pie.
It's Sara Lee. Go buy your own!
Tap, tap!
Oh, no!
Would you care...
Give it a rest, Iola
and take off the stupid glasses!
Say, Arthur, can I get
some sort of a tax break
for runnin' a business
out of my home?
What business is that?
Don't you know a house
of nuts when you see one?
total on all those checks.
Bubba, please hurry
up with that calculator.
Don't bother him
while he's tryin' to add.
You two have been hoggin'
that calculator all night.
That's because we're
itemizin' our income-tax return.
You're just usin'
the short form.
Well, if it's so short, how
come it's takin' so long?
I'll be done in a
minute, Grandma.
I still don't know why
you wait till April 15 to file.
Because it's an American
tradition, that's why.
Like buyin' your turkey
the day before Thanksgivin'
or shoppin' for presents
on Christmas Eve.
That's what this
country is all about...
puttin' things off.
Well, I wish we'd
started earlier.
This form 1040 is
sure complicated.
Oh, not for me.
At food circus, I'm fillin'
out stuff all day long.
This is a snap compared to
the toilet-paper re-order form.
I sure as hell hope you
don't cheat Mr. Whipple
the way you're
cheatin' Uncle Sam.
We do not cheat on our taxes.
Do we, Skeeter?
Certainly not, Vinton.
This is called
creative accounting.
Creative horse puckey!
How in the world do you explain
this beauty-parlor total
you got deducted here?
These are perfectly legitimate
work-related deductions.
As assistant manager,
I have an obligation
to look my best for the public.
Oh, get real! As long as you
fork over their developed film
and okay their checks, the
public doesn't give a damn
whether your roots
are touched up or not.
Come on, Miss Harper.
The government expects
you to cheat a little.
Yeah, besides, they only audit
one in a million
of these things.
Okay, Grandma, it's done.
All you got to do is sign it.
Oh, it is so nice to have a
college man in the house.
So, how much am I
gettin' back, sweetie?
Well, your line 22 is
larger than your line 24.
Spare me the technicalities.
How much money are we talkin'?
Uh, $253.
You hear that, you cheaters?
I'm gettin' back 253 bucks.
No, uh, Grandma,
that's what you owe.
That can't be right!
I've never had to pay!
I always get a little
somethin' back!
Ow!
Oh, honey, this is
better than I hoped!
We are gonna get a $312 refund!
Wow, Skeeter!
We hit the jackpot!
I cannot believe connivin'
crooks like you get money back
and honest citizens
like me have to pay!
Re-add that thing!
Knock, knock!
Thelma, you ready for Bingo?
I'm ready for the booby hatch!
Uh-oh. What's the problem?
Her tax return is
not returnin' anything.
Why don't you two return to
the hole you crawled out of!
Finish your taxes, Miss Boylen?
Oh, my, yes.
Mother, Daddy, and I always
do our taxes on new year's eve.
My, what a festive way
to ring in the new year.
Nothin' else to do since
Guy Lombardo died.
Mother does enjoy Dick
Clark's "Rockin' New Year's Eve".
That's because your
mother and Dick Clark
are about the same age.
Wait a minute, Grandma.
You were right. I
did make a mistake.
You don't owe $253.
- Good work, Bubba.
- You owe $264.
Well, thanks a lot,
H & R blockhead!
I told you, Mama. The long
form is the only way to go.
Oh, Vint's right.
It's amazin' how much
you save when you itemize.
Just deductin' Mother's itch
cream put us in a lower bracket.
Unfortunately, I happen
to be the picture of health.
What am I gonna deduct?
Well, how about your
charity donations?
Why, that's right. You could
claim all those old clothes
that you gave to
the rummage sale.
I can?
And that old air conditioner.
And the toaster oven
that was on the blink.
Well, what do you know?
All that worthless junk
was worth somethin' after all.
Well, let's see, I
donated four aprons.
That's 5 bucks a piece.
They're worth that
in rickrack alone.
Bubba, start
addin' this stuff up.
Let's see that air conditioner
just needed some Freon
and a compressor and a motor.
It would be just like
new. Put down 85 bucks.
$65! $65.
That's the spirit, Miss Harper!
Okay, you're up to $85.
Alright! Do I hear $90?
Don't forget the pies and
cakes you made for the bake-off.
Good answer! Put down
six cakes at three bucks each.
No, no. Make it 5 bucks. They
had walnuts and fresh coconut.
That's $115.
We broke $100! We broke $100!
Let's don't stop
till we hit $264!
Uh, what about your corn pads?
Great! We're movin'
into major medical!
Put down 30 bucks for corn pads.
Which brings us to a
biggie, support hose!
Phew! I'll tell you what, Iola..
Nothin' can kill an afternoon
quite like the sidewalk
sale at Ray-mart.
What is it about a rack of
shoes sittin' out in the sun
that makes 'em irresistible?
I don't know, I think all of
the heat from the tarmac
just fries your brain.
How else do you explain
me spendin' good money
on this stupid garden froggy?
I tried to talk you out of him.
This is the most repulsive
impulse buy I have ever made.
Well, what do you think?
Does it look good there?
Well, hell, maybe he'll
scare away the salesmen.
Afternoon, Vint.
Hello, ladies... Mr. Frog.
Hey! Hey! It's here!
Skeeter! Skeeter, come quick!
It's our income-tax refund!
Oh! Don't open it without me!
Good Lord!
It's from Uncle Sam,
not Ed McMahon.
Oh, now, Thelma, you
must admit it's a thrill
to get that big green check.
When ours came,
Mother got so excited
she walked around
the bedroom... twice.
Oh, baby!
The envelope, please.
And the winners are
Vinton and Naomi Harper
to the tune of..
Three hundred
and twelve dollars!
Ooh!
Please, not in
front of the frog!
Mama, you're just jealous
'cause we got a refund
check and you didn't.
That's right, Miss Harper.
If you'd spent more
time lookin' for deductions
you could've gotten some money
back instead of breakin' even.
Can we just continue this
discussion in the house?
The entire neighborhood
does not need to know
about my personal finances.
Grandma, there you are.
While you were gone,
you got a call from the IRS.
What?
Oh boy, maybe they're
gonna deliver a package.
That's UPS, you dipstick!
Good Lord! What in the world
does the internal
revenue want with me?
I don't know, but it
must be pretty important.
The guy made an
appointment to come by
at 10:00 on Monday morning.
Here?
They're sendin'
a fed to my house!
Uh-oh. This doesn't
look good, Thelma.
Who the hell said it did?
The man said if you
had any questions
you could call him
back before five.
Ten after, wouldn't you know it?
I'm gonna have to sweat
this out all weekend!
This is all your fault, Kermit!
Sounds like an
audit, Miss Harper.
Boy, you are in big trouble.
You told me they only
audit one in a million!
Well, I always said you
were one in a million, Mama.
Go stick it in your 1040!
Mornin', everybody.
- Hey there, sport.
- Hello, Bubba.
Gee, Grandma,
you sure look tired.
Well, of course I'm tired.
I didn't get a wink of sleep.
I was up all night worryin'.
About your tax audit?
No, Bubba, I was
worried Roseanne Barr
might sit on one of her kids.
Grandma, come on.
It's probably just a mistake.
Yeah. You're makin' a
big deal about nothin'.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Now, just what is that
supposed to mean?
Well, I don't want to
scare you, Miss Harper,
but Betty Ann Blake,
one of my checkers
got a call from the IRS,
and he ended up auditing her
for her last four
years worth of returns.
Uh-huh.
If you didn't want to scare
me, why did you tell me that?
Knock, knock! Thelma, good news.
You got me a
presidential pardon?
No, I talked to my cousin
Leland over in Hinckley,
you know, the CPA...
and he says you have
nothin' to worry about.
Well, bless his
pencil-pushin' little heart!
Accordin' to Leland, the
worst thing that could happen
is that the IRS would disallow
a few of your deductions.
Pull up a chair, Iola.
And then they might make
you pay a little more taxes
plus penalties and interest.
That's it? They're not gonna
lock me and throw away the key?
Of course not.
See, Mama, you
worried for nothin'.
The only way you
could get into real trouble
is if you failed to
disclose all your income.
No problem there. I
wrote down everything.
My social security,
my pension money.
And, of course, your
babysitting money.
And your winnings from Bingo.
Plus the interest from
your savings account.
Where the hell were
all of you people
when I was fillin' out line 11?
You mean you didn't
declare those things?
You all had me too busy lookin'
for those stupid deductions!
Thelma, say it isn't so.
Income-tax evasion
is a serious offense.
Yeah. Al Capone
was convicted of that.
Oh, my Lord!
Wow, I can't believe it.
My Mama and Al Capone
could go up the river
for the same crime!
Well, Vinton, do me a favor
on visitin' days, stay home!
Well, that certainly was
a lovely church service.
Well, I cannot stand
that new organist.
Gee, I thought he
was pretty good.
He's a professional, Mama. He
plays at all the baseball games.
Well, call me old-fashioned
but I don't think it's appropriate
right before communion to hear
Da-da da-da da-daa!
And then the whole congregation
yells "charge"!
Oh, come on, Miss Harper,
if you weren't so worried
about your personal tax problems
you could've joined in to
the spirit of the situation.
Yeah, you were the
only one in our pew
who didn't get up
and do the wave.
Vinton, I go to
church to worship
not to root for the home team.
So, Thelma, you all prepared
for your tax audit tomorrow?
Well, I said my prayers
and I coughed up two
$20s for the collection plate.
What else can I do?
Plenty. Betty Ann figured
out what to do for her audit
and she ended up not
havin' to pay one dime.
Well, don't just sit
there drawin' flies! Spill it!
Okay, well she put
on a low-cut blouse
and her micro-mini
and her spikiest heels.
When that IRS agent
took one look at her
the only numbers on
his mind were 38-24-36.
You all think that would
work for 44-36-48?
Why don't you
bake him somethin'?
I'm doomed.
Not necessarily, Grandma.
All you have to do is charm him.
Just be the sweet,
kind, little old lady.
Yeah, Mama. Lie to him.
Best of luck,
Thelma. I better be off.
Hold it, bones. Nobody
is goin' anywhere.
All you con artist got me into
this. You're gonna help me out.
- But, Mama...
- Don't you "but" me
unless you'd like
yours in a sling!
If I'm gonna go down
in the sinking ship
I'm takin' all of
you rats with me!
Now, here's the plan...
I don't know about this perm.
I think they forgot
the neutralizer.
I hope that guy goes for
the Orphan-Annie look.
Alright, Thelma. Try
and look innocent.
I look like Dustin
Hoffman in "Rain Man".
Jesus! It's the feds!
Just a minute!
- Hello, hi there!
- Mrs. Harper.
I'm Agent Arthur Booth from
the Internal Revenue Service.
I was just admiring your frog.
Oh, you like him? He's yours.
No, no, thank you. It's
against government regulations
to accept gifts from tax-payers.
Oh. You hear that, Kermit?
Isn't it good to know that
there are honest civil servants
like agent Booth workin'
for our government?
Ribb.
Well..
Won't you, uh, enter
my humble home?
Very well, Mrs. Harper.
Thanks for nothin',
you horny toad.
Well, won't you have a
seat on my nice, comfy sofa?
Thank you. Now, the
reason I'm here, Mrs. Harper...
Would you care for a
nice slice of pecan pie?
I'd better not.
It's fresh out of the
oven, homemade.
It is tempting, but my
wife and I are both on diets
and I... promised
her I wouldn't cheat.
Oh, come on, Arthur
it's a piece of pie,
not a cheap blonde.
A nice, well-built
gentleman like yourself
doesn't need to be on a diet.
Well, I suppose a
small piece couldn't hurt.
Now, you're talking', Artie.
Nothin' I admire more than a
man that can hold a dessert.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, look who's here.
It's a little boy scout.
Come on in, scout, and
bring your little wagon with you.
Good morning, ma'am.
My troop is collecting
clothes for the less fortunate.
Uh... would you care
to make a donation?
Oh, my, yes. Are you kiddin'?
I love the less fortunate and
the less fortunate, the better.
Just bring your little wagon up
here and look through my closet
and help yourself to
whatever you'd like.
Golly gee, kind lady,
are you ever generous!
Yeah, well I'm always happy
to help our boys in uniform.
Boys? What is the cut-off
age for scouts nowadays?
Would you like
another piece of pie?
No, thank you, Mrs. Harper.
I'd really like to get
down to business.
Oh, no. Not again.
Excuse me, Arthur. Such
a busy Monday mornin'.
I wonder who this can be.
It's a couple of
poor do-gooders.
Bless you, my
children and come in.
Oh, thank you, madam.
This is Brother Vinton.
And we are from The
Good-Book Foundation.
And we're here to collect money
for our overseas
mission in Indiana.
You mean India, don't
you, Brother Vinton?
Oh, yeah. We got 'em all over.
I'll just go get my purse.
Well, bless your
heart, kind lady.
You're a real saint.
Well, I just can't
say no to anybody.
Uh, can I have a piece of pie?
No! Uh, I mean,
certainly, Brother Vinton.
Here you go. Lord helps
them that help themselves.
Well, Mrs. Harper, I
am a bit pressed for time.
I'll be right with you, Arthur.
Uh, here, will $100 be enough?
Oh, my goodness!
It certainly will!
Thank you so much, kind lady.
Uh, may I get you a receipt?
Oh, no, don't trouble
yourself, sister.
I'm always donatin'
to worthy causes
and I never accept receipts.
That's just the way I am.
Hey, lady, is it okay if I
take this vacuum cleaner?
Well, it is a very
expensive model
but you go ahead and
give it to the poor folks.
They deserve
dust-free homes, too.
Thank you, kind lady.
Mrs. Harper, can we
get on with this, please?
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
To begin with, there are major
discrepancies in your figures.
Discrepancies? Sir? Major?
Yes, I'm referring specifically
to the amount you
entered on line 22.
I didn't enter that
amount, he did!
She made me do it!
You forced a scout
to do your taxes?
Okay, okay! Alright!
You got me! I confess!
I didn't declare
all of my income
and I padded my deductions
by a couple of hundred bucks.
Mrs. Harper... But
I am small potatoes
compared to the other
crooks in this household!
I think we better
be goin', Sister.
Freeze where you stand, Brother!
Just remember, kind lady
it's not a Christian act
to squeal on your family!
The hell it ain't! I'm
not takin' this rap alone!
Mrs. Harper, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
The error in your tax
return was in your favor.
I came here to give you
a refund check for $250.
Well, Arthur, aren't you a doll!
I'm gettin' a refund!
I can't believe it!
And with good reason
after what you've just told me
I think you'd better
file an amended return
with the correct
deductions and income.
- Do I have to?
- I'm afraid so.
And since your
return is now late
you'll have to pay additional
penalties and interest.
You mean I'm gonna wind
up not gettin' a refund at all?
You'll be lucky to break even.
Now, I believe I will
have another piece
of your delicious homemade pie.
It's Sara Lee. Go buy your own!
Tap, tap!
Oh, no!
Would you care...
Give it a rest, Iola
and take off the stupid glasses!
Say, Arthur, can I get
some sort of a tax break
for runnin' a business
out of my home?
What business is that?
Don't you know a house
of nuts when you see one?