Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 20 - Reading the Riot Act - full transcript

Bubba, you are one
lucky mud puppy.

Lucky? Come on, Uncle
Vint, I've sunk every shot so far.

Okay. You're up to
H-O-R-S, dead man.

- This is your last chance.
- Shoot!

I'm just settin'
you up for the kill.

I got you right
where I want you.

Uh... that was shot
from back there.

Oh, okay, okay. If you
wanna get technical about it.

I thought this was
just a friendly game.

Well! Hi there, mama.

How was your luncheon at
the Church Ladies' League?



Uh-oh. What's the problem?

I have got no problem, Vinton.

Just go ahead and
slam your dunk!

Take your shot, Uncle Vint!

I'm gonna! I'm gonna! Can't
you see your grandma's upset?

What is it, mama?

I nearly went blind updatin'

that stupid church
phone directory

and who gets all the credit?

- Who?
- Madam President.

Lolly Purdue!

- No!
- Yes.

Quit your stallin'!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!



So, did you give Lolly
Purdue a piece of your mind?

Vinton, church ladies
do not speak in anger.

I held my tongue
until the invocation

and then I poured
salt in her fruit cup.

Come on, Uncle Vint!

Hey, mama.

Pretend this ball is
Lolly Purdue's head.

Show me what you'd
really like to do to her.

Don't be ridiculous, Vinton.

Lolly's not nearly
that good-lookin'.

Take this, you big hog!

Ha ha ha!

That's my shot!

- Uncle Vint!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Just to be fair,
I'll let you practice

while I go get us some Gatorade.

That last basket just about
cleaned me out of electrolytes.

Well, I'll tell you what.

There's nothin' like church
work to put clean rugs on my floor.

Yeah. Oh, hey, mama, did you
know the phone was off the hook?

Don't you dare touch that thing.

Lolly Purdue announced that
she's lookin' for some patsy

to handwrite Thank You notes

for all the donations to
the church rummage sale

and I don't want her callin' me.

Oh, Naomi might be tryin'
to phone from Hinckley.

Nonsense.

She's gonna be tied up

at that supermarket
seminar all day.

She said she would check in.

She's gonna sneak
out of the lecture

on Puttin' The Bite Into
Your Dog Food Display.

You are gonna be dog food

if I wind up havin' to
write all those Thank Yous!

Well, why didn't you just
tell Lolly no at the meeting?

Vinton, a church lady does
not say no to her president.

Instead, you just smile politely

then you come home and take
the damn phone off the hook!

Knock, knock!
Thelma, you're home?

No, Iola!

I just leave the front door open

so thieves can come
in and rob me blind!

Give me a hand here, Thelma.

I'm about to drop my Pentaflex.

Well, hold on, I'm comin'.

Good Lord!

What in the world
is all this stuff?

What else? It's a list

of all the rummage sale donors

200 stamps and envelopes and
the Ladies' League letterhead.

What is it doin' in my house?

Well, Lolly Purdue called.

She wants us to write
all the Thank You notes.

And you said yes?

Well, church ladies can't
say no to their president.

No, but they can
to their best friend!

Now, you just forget it. I don't
care what Lolly Purdue wants.

Thelma, what about what..

He wants?

You know, there's a
golden throne in Heaven

for hard workin'
church ladies like us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That golden throne
sure as hell better recline

and have an electric bun warmer.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well... okay, Skeeter.

But I'm gonna miss
you, my little lovebug.

Same to you.

Vinton!

Why don't you grab an envelope

and put that pucker to good use?

Bye-bye.

Naomi not comin' back
from the grocery seminar?

No.

She's got to chair
tomorrow's panel discussion.

It's called, "What'll it
be? Paper or Plastic?"

Well, let's all drop everything

and grab the next
Greyhound to Hinckley.

Well, nothin' much for
me to do around here.

I guess I'll just..

Go on down to bed.

Goodnight, Uncle Vint.

- Sleep tight, sweetie.
- Poor Vint.

Hey, with Naomi out of
town, it's gonna do him good

to try sleepin' in that
bed for a change.

Oh, speakin' of
lyin' down on the job

could you believe
that poor Lolly Purdue

flubbed the agenda for
the meeting again today?

Well, the woman
hadn't got the sense

that God gave a slug.

She's smart enough to
push all her work off on us.

I'll tell you what, I hate
to be the one to say it

but since she was
elected president

the CLL has gone to
hell in a hand basket.

Then why don't you impeach her?

Bubba, this is a
for-church-ladies-only

conversation.

Well, Iola, let the boy speak.

Uh, go ahead, sweetie.

Were you sayin' something
about impeachment?

Well, yeah. I was readin'
about it for my poli-sci test.

You see, "If a president
is unable to do the job

"he or she can be impeached

by a vote from Congress."

Or, in our case, the
executive committee.

Florence, Inez, you and me.

No! No, Thelma.

We couldn't put Lolly through
a humiliatin' ordeal like that!

Church ladies aren't
cut-throat politicos.

We are gentle
helpers, kind and good.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn it.

Well, now, who in the world
can that be at this hour?

Probably somebody that
wants us to open to the door.

Hi, dolls.

Figured you'd still be at it.

Lolly! Well, what a
pleasant surprise!

Won't you come in?

Come on in, sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Well, we were just
talkin' about you.

No kiddin'. Are my ears red?

Is she the one?

Don't tell me
that's little Vint.

Oh, no, this is big Bubba

and he was on his
way upstairs to study.

Ow!

So, how's it goin', gals?

Oh, well, we
finished all but three.

Well, thank goodness
you're not done.

I found this whole box

of these darlin'
religious bookmarks

someone left at the church.

Ever see anything sweeter?

That all depends.

I want you to put one
inside each Thank You.

I hate 'em.

Lolly, I-I'm sorry

but we've already
sealed the envelopes.

Well, thank goodness
you didn't mail 'em.

Now, all you have to do
is to pry off one little corner

and slip one in.

What could be easier?

Mailin' 'em the way they are.

Lolly... this is
an advertisement

for Wellman's Funeral Home.

Oh, I know that.

Don't you just love the
picture of Mary at the tomb

with the stone rolled away?

"He may have risen,
but not our prices."

Well, Good Lord!

We can't send these!

Oh, for heaven's sake,
nobody reads the fine print.

Well, of course they do!

I'm afraid I have to go along
with Thelma on this one.

Well, kiddo, as I recall

you and Thelma were
not elected president.

I was.

Now, I am not askin'

I am tellin' you in my
best church lady voice

to take those bookmarks
and stick 'em in.

Now, just a minute, Lolly.

Now, Iola, remember

gentle helpers, kind and good.

If it is bookmarks
you want, dear

it is bookmarks you shall have.

Oh, thank you, Thelma.

Now that that's
settled, I best be off.

Toodles.

Toodles to you too, hon.

Thelma, I'm so impressed
the way you kept your temper.

Well, Iola, it's like
the good book says

"Don't get mad, get even."

What do you mean?

I mean, you and I are gonna

impeach her presidential butt!

Okay, got your separated eggs.

"Slowly add the yolks to

two cups double sifted flour."

Double sifted?

Well, why did I let you talk me

into makin' somethin' as
complicated as scones?

If we're gonna get Inez
and Florence on our side

we got to bring
out the big guns.

You know, I hear
that Margaret Thatcher

is at her most ruthless
over tea and scones.

We're just tryin'
to impeach Lolly

not dethrone Queen Elizabeth.

Oh, Thelma, I don't know
if I can go through with this.

Oh, Lolly's not ever
gonna know it was us.

I told Florence and Inez

this was a highly
confidential meetin'.

What if there's a leak?
What if your phone is tapped?

What if Inez is a stoolie?

Now, listen here, missy, if
you're gonna chicken out on me

you better do it right now
before those ladies get here!

Too late! You get the tea

I'll grab the door.

Alright, alright, I'm comin'!

You're gonna
wear your finger out!

- Thelma.
- Inez. Florence.

How good of y'all to
come on such short notice.

Sit down, sit down.

Inez, I love your hat.

What did she say?

Your hat! She likes your hat!

It's my dead sister's.

People can't tell us
apart, especially in the hat.

Oh! Here's Iola with our tea!

Uh, what say we get
our little meetin' started?

By all means, doll. Oh,
I hope I'm not too late.

L-L-Lolly.

What you doin', tappin'
it out in Morse code?

Get a grip!

What did she say?

Get a grip!

I just asked a simple question!

Believe it or not, I
lost my schedule again.

And I had no idea there
was a meetin' today.

And then I ran into
Florence at the mall

and she was an angel
and reminded me.

God bless her heart.

She said it was
highly confidential.

What's up?

Uh..

Scones! Scones!

I was gonna fix everybody
some scones and I ran out of time.

Lolly, why don't you be a
doll and help me whip 'em up.

- Oh, well, I don't know.
- Oh, don't be silly.

We'll have a ball!

Iola, I'm sure that
you three ladies

can find something to discuss.

Well..

I've already got the
ingredients out here

so this should be a snap.

Well, why don't we
just serve crackers?

- I hate to miss the meetin'.
- Oh, no need.

You get started with the scones.

I'll go and see what
they're talkin' about.

If it's important, I'll
come and tell you.

But, Thelma, I
never made scones.

Well, no problem.
Here's the recipe.

Toodles.

And then there was the time

that she missed the
pastor's reception.

Said she got lost.

Yeah, the invitations
came with a map.

I drew it myself.

Yeah, so we were wonderin'
if you, like so many others

have noticed that Lolly's
performance as president

is just, well...
not up to snuff.

What did she say?

Up to snuff!

No, thank you. I
gave it up years ago.

But I do take a
chaw now and then.

What the hell do you
do, stick it in your ears?

Thelma, could we just press on?

Yeah, well, uh, we were
wonderin' if you all are aware

that as the executive
board of the CLL

we have the power
to impeach her.

What'd you say?

She's serving pizza!

Iola..

Why don't you go
on the front porch

and continue this conversation?

I'll go keep an eye on Lolly.

Good idea. That
way, I can talk louder..

Or, if necessary,
use mother's bullhorn.

Uh, ladies, why don't
we step out on the porch

where I can speak up?

Good! Don't spit up in here!

Well, how's it goin'?

I've decided to serve
cheese and crackers.

Well, what happened
to the scones?

Nothin' happened to 'em.

I-I thought cheese
would be faster.

Well, where are
all the ingredients?

Did you mix up the dough?

No! Leave that alone!

Well, Good Lord, woman!

You must have two
cups of buttermilk in here!

Where the hell is the flour?

Don't you dare laugh at me!

I was elected president,
not pastry chef.

Oh, get on off your
high horse, Lolly!

Any fool can follow a recipe!

Not this fool!

I can't read.

What do you mean you can't read?

Somethin' wrong with your eyes?

My eyes are fine.

I just can't read, Thelma.

I never learned how.

Well, why not?

Didn't you learn in school?

I was the oldest of 12 kids..

In my family.

And I got pulled out of school

'cause mom needed
help with the babies.

Shoot, by the time the
babies were all raised

I was married and
had a couple of my own.

Yeah, when you got
two little ones in diapers

there's not much
time for anything else.

And when they got in school

I was-I was ashamed to tell
'em their mama couldn't read.

Well, what about your husband?

Harley doesn't know either.

I guess he must've never
asked you to make him scones.

I've had years of
practice at fakin' it.

Harley does all the paperwork.

I convinced him that he had
such a good head for business.

Men will believe anything.

And I'm forever pretendin'..

I forgot my glasses
or misplaced directions

or sayin', I don't understand

so folks wouldn't catch on.

Well, boy, you
sure had me fooled.

I thought you were
just goin' senile.

You'd be amazed at how
many doors are closed

when you can't read or write.

Here..

Look at this.

I got it in the mail today.

It's a-it's a letter

from my grandson Bobby.

Oh, I can recognize
his backwards B's.

Oh, Vinton does the same thing.

Would you mind readin' it to me?

I forgot my glasses.

"Dear Meema..

"Fort Worth is okay.

"I start second grade.

"'We have ants in the sink.'

"Say hi to Boompa.

"Hugs and kisses.

"Bobby.

"P.S.

Please write back."

I'll have Boompa write a
note to him in the mornin'.

Well, now, the hell you will.

He doesn't want a
note from Boompa.

He wants to hear from Meema.

But I can't!

Listen, if you're smart
enough to fake it all these years

you're smart enough to
learn to read and write.

- Do you really think so?
- Sure!

Where's that magazine?
I had it sittin' in here.

"Ladies' Circle."

It's got Barbara
Bush on the cover.

Here it is.

Don't you just love her hair?

Mm. Oh my, yes.

I'm gonna keep mine
natural when it goes gray.

Yeah, me too.

Well, anyway, she's
got a whole article in here

where she talks about..

How you can teach
grownups to read and write.

Here it is, here
it is, here it is.

It's called
"Operation Literacy."

See and she explains how
you can set up a program

in your school or your church.

Why don't you take this
home? You can read...

Never mind, I'll
tell you all about it.

And we can give the classes
in the Sunday school rooms.

There you go. It's a great idea.

'Cause they've already
got all the blackboards

and the school supplies.

Knock, knock!

Well, Thelma,
mission accomplished.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I took the girls
over to my house.

I can be much more
persuasive with my felt board.

What did she say?

Felt board!

Oh, don't tell me.

She's draggin'
that thing out again!

Listen, ladies, why
don't y'all have a seat

and listen to the wonderful idea

that Lolly has for the CLL.

No, Thelma, I think
it's time that Lolly heard

what the CLL has
in store for her.

Uh, not now, Iola.

If not now, when?

President Purdue

we of the executive committee

by unanimous vote, hereby...

Decree that you are
the best president

that the CLL has ever had!

The plaque is still
at the engravers.

Thelma, I don't understand.

Well, Lolly will
explain it all to you

if you just sit
down and shut up.

What did she say?

I said, sit down and shut up!

That's the first time
I've heard her all day.

Well, I believe you have
the floor, Madam President.

Thank you.

Ha ha! Yes!

Okay, Uncle Vint

hurry up and lose,
so I can go study.

Not so fast.

Just because I've lost every
game for the past two months

doesn't mean I can't
make a comeback.

- Mama!
- Hey, boys!

Wait till you see
what I got in the mail.

He was just about to shoot!

Oh, never mind that.
What you got, mama?

A handwritten note
from Lolly Purdue.

Look at this.

"Dear Thelma, thank
you for your help.

"I love the readin' program.
As you can see, it works.

"You're a doll. Lolly.

P.S. Write back."

Gee, that's great. She's
really catchin' on fast.

Good for her.

- And good for you too, grandma.
- Yeah.

Well, there's
nothin' I like better

than helpin' out a poor soul.

Just call me Kareem
Abdul Je-Mama.