Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 2 - Baby Talk - full transcript

After visiting a friend with a new baby, Naomi and Vint decide they want a baby themselves. But Mama, who feels that there isn't room in the house for another person, decides to have them babysit another friend's cranky infant, in order to discourage them.

Uh, easy does it, Thelma.

Don't let the batting buckle.

That's it. That... that's good.

No. Ease up on the pedal.

Oh, Iola, for pity's sakes

I'm sewing a quilt, not
crash-landing an airplane!

Now back off!

I knew it was a mistake

to enter this damn
quilting contest with you.

Now, Thelma, we
made an agreement.

I was to cross-stitch
all the little squares



and then you'd do the
quilting on your zigzag.

Grandma, uh, can you help
me out with a little problem?

Oh, I'm afraid not, Bubba.

Thelma is a little busy
tonight, but I'm not.

What's the problem?

Oh, well, I need 20 bucks.

Thelma.

Grandma.

Bubba Higgins, you're
$20-ing me into the poorhouse.

What's it for this time?

It's for the official
Raytown JC sweatshirt.

They're in the school colors

with Wally The Weasel
right on the front.

Whoever heard of a team
having a Weasel for a mascot?



It's only a junior college.

Please, Grandma,
come on, please!

Bubba... Bubba, for heaven's
sakes, I'll loan you the 20

just to get you
away from the quilt.

Wow! Thanks, Ms. Boylen.

Wally and I won't
forget you for this.

Anything for a weasel...

and first prize at
the quilting fair.

There is nothin' more soothing
than the sound of a singer.

Boy, ain't it the truth?

Especially when
it's uninterrupted

by the sound of a relative.

I'll tell you what, Iola

since that boy started
college, there are times

when this house
is actually quiet.

It's true. You know, I hardly
ever see Vint and Naomi anymore

since they opened
up that back nine holes

at the miniature golf course.

God bless that new windmill.

After 45 years it's like

I finally got this
house to myself.

We're back!

Oh, goody.

Now, don't tell me
you two are still sewing

on that dang quilt.

No, just one of us is.

- Hi, Vint.
- Iola.

Boy, Skeeter, I had the
best time with you tonight.

You just never tire of
that putt putt, do you?

Actually, we spent the
last hour at the hospital

visiting Darla and her new baby.

- She had a little girl.
- Ooh, how much did she weigh?

Nine pounds, ten ounces.

Good Lord, that's no
baby. That's a linebacker.

She was the prettiest
baby in the whole nursery

wasn't she, sweetheart?

Oh, I don't know.

All damn little babies
look the same to me.

Sometimes I wonder,
if they don't mix 'em up

give 'em to the wrong parents.

Ow!

I've wondered that myself.

Well, there is
nothin' more beautiful

than the sight of
a newborn baby.

Hmm. Nothin' at all.

I want one.

- One what?
- A baby.

Oh, honey, me and
Darla are the same age

and she's already got three
kids and I don't have any.

Oh, Vinton, I want one so bad.

Oh, no, you don't.

You two don't wanna be
tied down with a little baby.

There'd be no more
wild Raytown nightlife.

You could just kiss
that windmill goodbye.

Now, Ms. Harper, the
back nine at the putt putt

pales in comparison
to a precious baby.

Oh, those itty-bitty
fingers, those itty-bitty toes!

Those great, big mouths.

Squalling day and night

just like Rosemary
Peters' new baby.

Oh, yes, that little Garth.
He's got a high-pitched squeal.

It's like a needle in your ear.

Oh, I don't care what
you say. I want one!

I don't have a home of my
own, I have no room of my own.

Why, I've got nothin' in this
life that's mine and mine alone.

Have you tried thinking of your
side of the bed as yours alone?

I can't wait any longer, honey.

My biological clock
is ticking away.

Well, I say hit
the snooze button

and let that sucker run on down.

This is somethin' between me
and my husband, Ms. Harper.

For your information, we
are gonna make us a baby.

Now, come on, Vinton...

we've got work to do.

Don't you even think
about working with her.

You gotta talk some
sense into that woman.

Well, Mama, what do I say?

Well, you're the man of
the family! Lay the law down!

Tell her I won't allow it.

Vinton, come on, honey!

I've turned the shower
massage on pulsate.

Oh, Mama, I gotta go.

Buster, you better be
wearing a shower cap.

Knock, knock. Put
that percolator down.

Good Lord, Iola, you
scared the Yuban out of me.

You got no time
for kitchen duties

you must get on with
your stitching duties.

Well, that's just so
real funny, Dr. Seuss.

I won't do any
stitching on that quilt

until I've made my
family breakfast.

Breakfast is covered.

I've brought batter for
pancakes and waffles

fresh eggs, and
bacon, French toast

and cereal hot or cold.

What, no McMuffins?

Grandma, can you
help me out with this?

Uh, Bubba, I'm
sure whatever it is

it can wait till after a
nice, hot stack of flapjacks.

- Hmm. Hey, that sounds great.
- It sure does.

Sit back down there and sew!

I think I'm gonna have to
return my new sweatshirt.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

The only size they had
left was double extra-large.

Oh, my word!

I don't believe I've ever
seen a weasel quite so big.

Hey, do you think grandma
could take it up for me

on her sewing machine?

Absolutely not.

Oh, it's 100%
cotton. We're saved.

I'll put it in the washing
machine on hot.

And then set the
dryer on high heat.

It'll shrink right up.

Great! Thanks, Ms. Boylen.

That takes care of the laundry.

Now for breakfast, how
many pancakes would you like?

Oh, wait a second,
I almost forgot.

I got a philosophy
class at eight o'clock.

- No time to eat. I gotta go.
- But you can't.

I've got grapefruit halves
with cherry in the center.

Oh, my, that looks good

with a nice, hot cup of coffee

maybe a waffle or three.

It is coffee and
back to work for you.

Oh, come on, Iola, even
Betsy Ross ate breakfast.

Oh, alright, I'll
bring you somethin'

when I make breakfast
for Vint and Naomi.

Well, who knows when
they'll get up? It's their day off.

Well, I imagine
they'll be sleeping in

if Naomi has her say.

Shoot, after that talk I
gave Vinton last night

you can bet he has put his foot
down about this baby nonsense.

Oh, honey, be reasonable!

I don't care what you
say about the baby

the answer is no.

Please hear me out.

Naomi, it is final.

No son of mine is
gonna be called Blade.

But, honey, Blade is
the most popular name

on daytime TV.

Forget it. If it's a
boy, he'll be Vint.

If it's a girl, Vintina.

What do you think, Ms. Harper?

I think you've both
lost your minds.

Especially you, Vintina.

You can't have a baby.
There is no room in this house!

There's always room for a
baby in a house full of love.

What the hell's that
got to do with us?

Anyone for some breakfast?

I've got fresh eggs and bacon.

And another thing,
you can't afford a baby.

Why not? We're a
two-income family.

Oh, no, don't be thinkin'
you're gonna stick me with Blade

while you two go trottin'
off to work every day.

We are not callin' him Blade.

Cinnamon oatmeal, lots of fiber.

I would never go off
and leave my newborn.

I intend to stay home

for at least the first six years

and nurture him
every chance I get.

Six year in this house?

Just you and me
and baby Machete.

Baby Blade.

I told you, we are
not callin' him Blade.

Vinton, my mind is made up!

His name is Blade
and that is final!

Oh, Skeeter, you... you...

Hey, why don't we compromise?

We'll call him Gillette.

Good Lord, Iola,
what am I gonna do?

Can you imagine
them two as parents?

Vinton can't change diapers.

He's only just learned
to dress himself.

And what if they got a screamer
like poor Rosemary Peters?

Naomi could never handle
a high decibel baby like that.

Iola, you are a genius.

What did I say?

Who are you callin'?

Hello, Rosemary?

It's Thelma.

I said it's Thelma!

Yeah. Is that your
precious, little baby Garth

I hear in the background?

Yeah, Rosemary... Yeah, I
was wonderin' if maybe I could

take that little darlin' off
your hands for this afternoon.

Yeah.

Now they're both squealin'.

You can't babysit. You
have a quilt to finish.

It is Vinton and Naomi's day off

and they are gonna spend
it with Rosemary's baby.

Yo! Yo!

Don't wake him
up, whatever you do.

Shh.

Oh!

Lord, Iola.

I'd forgotten babies come
with so much paraphernalia.

Thank goodness
he quieted down. Hi.

That was the loudest
car ride of my life.

Well, what's all this?

It's a new vacuum
cleaner, Vinton.

It's a baby, you jackass!

Ooh, can I hold it?

You'd better not, Naomi, you
might start him cryin' again.

It's okay, Iola,
let her hold him.

Oh, Vinton.

Oh, honey, look at this. Oh!

Isn't this a cutie?

Oh, sure he is.

And the good news
is you two get to

babysit that
cutie all afternoon.

Oh, darn it, I wish
that we could...

but both Vinton and I called in

to go to work today.

We figured we could
use the extra money

for our own little
bundle of joy.

And I hope ours

is half as sweet as this one.

Bye-bye.

Oh! Oh, no! There he goes.

And so do I. Have fun, Thelma.

Iola, you get
back here, you rat!

Iola! I'm sure he'll
quiet down in a minute.

Oh, hush up, you little twerp

or you're gonna find yourself
on someone's doorstep.

There, and suck on that.

'Oh, come on, Garth, give
it a rest. It's been two hours.'

Alright. Okey-dokey, big guy.

This little bottle's gonna
make us both happy.

You're gonna get
your tummy full.

I'm gonna have the pleasure
of pluggin' up your little mouth.

Oh, alright. Okay,
okay, alright!

I'll tell you what,
sweetie. Let's boogie.

♪♪ Mr. Sandman ♪♪

♪♪ Bring me a dream
bung bung bung dip ♪♪

♪♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen ♪♪

♪♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover ♪♪

♪♪ Bung bun bung
then tell him that ♪♪

♪♪ His lonesome
nights are over ♪♪

♪♪ Sandman... ♪♪

♪♪ Someone to hold ♪♪

♪♪ Would be so peachy
before we're too old ♪♪

♪♪ So please turn on
your magic beam ♪♪

♪♪ Wow Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream ♪♪

♪♪ bung bung bung
bung bung bung ♪♪♪♪

Hey, this is great!

Says who?

Grandma, look at how Ms.
Boylen fixed my new sweatshirt.

Yeah, you slam that door again

she's gonna have more
than your sweatshirt to fix!

Hey, what are you
doin', babysittin'?

No, I'm havin' an
affair with a midget.

You just hang on to him
while I go get his bottle.

Me? But he's cryin'.

You remember that awful sound
the next time you get the urge

to climb in the
back seat of a car.

He-e-ey.

Hey, you're kinda cute.

I hope this isn't too hot.

Ow!

Good Lord, no wonder
he cries all the time

this stuff is godawful.

Boy, you really conked out.

Grandma has that
effect on me too.

Oh, I'd better cover you up.

Well, Bubba?

Shh.

Well, you darlin'!
You got him to sleep.

Nothin' to it.

And you covered him up

with Iola's quilt, you dunce!

Isn't that what a quilt is for?

Go hang up your weasel.

Give me that quilt.

Let go, you little rug rat.

Oh, shut up, you crybaby!

This quilt is mine!

It's soppin' wet!

Your winky tinked
on Iola's cross-stitch.

Real funny, you
little water main.

Alright, let me just
get you changed.

Lord, you behave now.

No playin' sharpshooter
with Auntie Thelma.

Knock, knock.

Has he quieted down yet?

Almost.

Lord, Iola, until today

I didn't know what a blessin'
the change of life was.

Does sittin' down mean
that you finished the quilt?

No, but I'm almost
done, it's in the dryer.

- The dryer?
- Well, now relax!

It just got a little bit of
dampness from the baby.

Dampness? What kind of dampness?

Well, it wasn't Mountain Dew.

Help me up, here.

Well, I'm right behind you.

I cannot believe you put a
handmade quilt in the dryer.

Where is it?

There's nothin' here
but this scrap of cloth.

You mean this scrap
of cloth with the..

Little-bitty cross-stitch
squares on it?

My quilt!

- Look what you did to my quilt.
- I didn't do nothin'.

Somebody must have
put the dryer on high heat.

Well, I did, for
Bubba's sweatshirt!

Well, then it's all your fault!

It is not.

Any fool checks the setting
before turning on the dryer.

Just look at this!

Well, actually, I
think it's kinda cute.

You do not cross-stitch 147
hours to end up with cute!

You do it to win!

Iola, we can still enter
the damn quilt contest.

We'll just say
it's a doll quilt.

We'll call it a country
quilt for Barbie.

Aren't you crazy?

Barbie wouldn't be
caught dead with a quilt.

That punked out tramp
sleeps on satin sheets

with a different doll
every night of the week.

Thanks for nothin', Thelma!

Iola, don't you dare slam that..

I'm comin', old yeller!

♪♪ Please please please ♪♪

♪♪ Mr. Sandman ♪♪

♪♪ Bring us a dream ♪♪

♪♪ Bung bung bung bung ♪♪♪♪

Look at this, dear,
they're both asleep.

Yeah.

Aren't they cute?

They both got a little
drool on their lips.

I don't think I've ever seen
your mama look so peaceful.

You know, I think a baby in
this family is just what she needs.

Skeeter, I think you're right.

So, what do you
say you and me...

get started right away?

Mm-hmm.

Honey, not in front of the baby.

Let's go downstairs.

Alright.

But you gotta catch me first.

Here I come.

Good Lord, Garth.

I was havin' the
worst nightmare.

I dreamt Naomi was
takin' fertility drugs

and came home with sextuplets.

It's the first time in my life I
ever turned down a six-pack.