Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 18 - There's No Place Like... No Place - full transcript

Mama has no sympathy or understanding for the homeless. But after being accidentally arrested during a police round-up of homeless people,she lands in jail and gets to know them better...and is surprised to find her cousin Cora among them.

You know, I believe this is
the best chipped beef casserole

I have ever made.

Who's ready for seconds?

I'm havin' trouble
gettin' down my firsts.

Say, what part of the
cow did you chip this off of?

Well, see, it's the
little pineapple chunks

and the English peas
that make it so yummy.

- Here, Vinton, you want more?
- No.

Uh, I'm all full up.

Besides, you'll want to
save some for Bubba.

Yeah. This'll teach him
to come late for supper.



Well, Bubba's not
eatin' dinner here tonight.

He's got some big doings
with his college cronies.

Lord, what is it
about chipped beef

that makes you
thirsty as a racehorse?

Knock, knock!

Oh, don't tell me, you had
chipped beef casserole, too.

Yeah, I guess that
recipe in "Ladies' Circle"

just whetted
everyone's appetite.

Well, not everyone's.

Well, congratulate me.

I have been given
my very own column

in the Church Chimes.

No! Well, how do you like that?

What are you gonna call
it, "Skinny from the Skinny?"



No. I'm gonna call
it "Boylen's Beat."

It'll have all the most
excitin' news in Raytown.

Anybody got a scoop?

Well, the Whittakers' dog died.

I know. That's my lead story.

Well, I'll tell you with
excitement like that

you can cancel my
subscription to "The Enquirer."

Say, Iola, why don't you write
about the Parade of Homes

at the new development
out on Route 5?

Yeah. Me and Naomi are
gonna check it out tonight.

Look. "Ray Meadows.

Where gracious living
meets the interstate."

Shoot, you two
can't afford meadows.

You can barely
afford a basement.

These houses are priced to move.

Every one of them comes
equipped with a kitchen

that's wired for built-ins

a chain-link fence,
and a carport.

Yeah. And they got
customized models, too.

They'll put the carport
anywhere you want it.

Oh, interesting angle.

Any one of these would
be just a dream come true.

Yeah, sure, it's every
American's dream

to buy a house
they can't afford.

Okay, grandma, I'm all
packed and ready to go.

All I need is a
thermos of hot coffee

to see me through the night.

Whoa! Good Lord, Bubba.

What the hell you're doin'?
You just gave me a beer bath!

I'm sorry, grandma.

Oh, never mind that,
accidents will happen.

Bubba, where are you off to?

I'm spendin' the night
on the courthouse lawn

as part of a protest
for the homeless.

Oh, my. Well, this is
news. Tell me everything.

Well, we're stagin'
a 24-hour vigil

to ask that shelters be built.

All the homeless
from the tri-state area

are gonna be there.

Well, I tell you what, if those
folks spent less time protesting

and more time working,
they'd probably have homes.

Grandma, it's not that simple.

A lot of those people have jobs

and they still can't
afford a place to live.

Oh, that is just media hype.

My folks were dirt poor.

We always had a
roof over our heads.

Yeah. But roofs cost a
lot less in the olden days.

Oh, yeah, right.

All we needed was
a nice, sturdy cave

to keep the dinosaurs
from stompin' on us.

Thelma, the plight
of the homeless

does seem to be
gettin' worse these days.

It sure does. I see
lots more of 'em

camped out down
by the railroad tracks.

Those are just happy hobos.

They've been there
since the '30s. They love it.

I don't think sleepin'
under a cardboard box

is somethin' anybody loves.

Well, it is the life they chose.

If they wanted to get
ahead, they certainly could.

After all, this is America.

I disagree.

This isn't America?

No! I mean these
people need our help.

Well, fine, Bubba,
you go protest with 'em

but don't get too close to 'em.

You don't know who they
are, and they're not like us.

Yeah... we've got homes.

Bubba, would you like a lift?

Vinton and I could drop
you on our way to Route 5.

- Great.
- Well, just, wait one minute.

You come over here, Bubba.

If you're gonna
insist on doin' this

then you're gonna
take 20 bucks with you.

Stick it in your shoe.

That way, if they club you over
the head and steal your wallet

you'll still have enough money
to get to the Emergency Room.

- Have a good time, sweetie.
- Thanks, grandma.

Come on, big guy. I
wanna get to Ray Meadows

before they give away
all the free balloons.

I'm right behind
you, Uncle Vint.

Now, Bubba, you be sure
to remember every detail.

I'll get a full report from
you tomorrow for my column.

Why don't you just come
with me, Ms. Boylen?

Oh, no can do. I've already
made plans with Thelma.

Yup. Me and Iola got a
hot date with Mel Gibson

down at the Rayplex.

I just love the cute, little
way he wrinkles his nose

before he blows somebody away.

Well, so long. I gotta go.

Alright. You be careful
around those lowlifes.

Don't drink out of
anybody's tin cup!

You don't know where it's been!

Oh, you must be
so proud of Bubba

takin' an interest
in civic affairs.

Just shows you what a
college education will do.

Yeah. Nice to know
that all my tuition money

is goin' to teach him how to
sleep on the courthouse lawn.

Well, we better be off if we're
gonna make it to the Rayplex.

Well, just let me go
change this dress.

I smell like a back room
at the Bigger Jigger.

No, Thelma, we don't
have time for that.

If we don't get our tickets,
they're gonna be sold out.

Well, just, who in the
world had the bright idea

of building ten theaters that
only hold 15 people each?

Thelma, what is the holdup?

My wallet's not here. It's gone.

Well, n-now don't panic.

You had it when you
gave Bubba that $20.

Oh, my Lord. I bet you he stuck
it in his backpack by mistake.

Oh, well, never mind.
I'll spring for your ticket.

You can pay me back
when Bubba gets home.

Not on your life!

I don't want my wallet down
there with all those homeless.

Not to mention my money.

Besides, Bubba doesn't
even know it's in there.

We don't have time to
stop by the courthouse.

Well, I will go to
the courthouse.

You go on down at the
Rayplex and buy the tickets.

I'll meet you in the lobby.

I hate standin' by
myself in the lobby.

Well, then do
something useful, Iola.

Eat a couple of tubs of
popcorn and some jujubes.

Put on some weight.

Boy, when I saw these
balloons were Mylar

I knew Ray Meadows
was first-class all the way.

Which one of the
houses did you like best?

Oh, the El Ranchero, hands down.

Really? My favorite
was Castle Rama.

Yeah, you got a point.

The moat would
discourage burglars.

Now, let's see.

If we save $50 a month
from our paychecks

we could make our
down payment in only..

Fifteen years and two months?

Oh, Skeeter!

Well, that's no fair, honey!

I want our chain-link fence

while we're still young
enough to enjoy it.

And that big picture window

with the view of the interstate.

Red lights goin' one
way, white lights the other.

Knock, knock. Well,
where is Thelma?

What do you mean? We thought
she was at the movies with you.

She never showed.

I have been standin'
in that lobby for hours

breathin' air that's been
double-buttered and salted.

Didn't you two go together?

No. She went to the courthouse

to get her wallet
back from Bubba.

Well, what are you doin' here?

Eatin' a chipped beef
sandwich. Want some?

No. Why aren't you
at the courthouse?

I heard the police
were gonna come in

and break up the protest,
so I came back home.

Well, where is Thelma?

I thought she went
to the movies with you.

Well, if she's not
with either one of you..

Where is she?

Okay, all you bums, step lively.

Move it, move it!

Come on, come on.

Hey, Jojo!

I think we got room for
that troublemaker in here.

You take your hands
off me, you big goon!

And you quit callin' me homeless

or I'm gonna kick you buttless!

You.. You can't lock me up!

I'm a pillar of the community!

Yeah, me too!

You're gonna just
love our VIP cell.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you're lockin'
men and women up together

in the same cell?

Just till we get you all booked.

Please don't put me in there.

I am not homeless. I
have a lovely house.

I could take you there now
and fix you all a little snack.

Do you like chipped beef?

Lady, if you're gonna
try to bribe somebody

you got to do a lot
better than chipped beef.

Now sit down here,
and let's get you booked.

When you do find out who
I am, heads are gonna roll!

Okay, Your Highness,
let's see some ID.

I would love to
show you some ID.

I really would,
but as you can see

I don't exactly have my
wallet with me right now.

It's kind of a
funny story, but...

Don't tell me, your dog ate it.

Or did the maid throw
it out by mistake?

Give me this phone.

I've seen enough "LA Law"

to know that I'm
allowed one phone call.

This is my home
that I'm dialin'.

I've lived there
forever and a day.

So when mama didn't
show up at the picture show

Iola thought she might
be at your house, Roselle.

Wait. No, hasn't
seen her for days.

Well, d-did.. What?

Yeah, she's here.

Well.. Okay.

She wants to know

how your chipped beef
casserole turned out.

Hers was a little runny.

Roselle, hon, the trick is you
got to stir that flour in slowly

and I mean slowly.

And don't forget to
turn your heat up to high

and whip the daylights out of
that sauce. Now don't back down.

Chipped beef can take
everything you can dish out

and come back for more.

Don't tell me, it's still busy.

Why, oh, why didn't
I get call waitin'?

- Let me try it one more time.
- Forget it, lady.

There's other homeless here

who want to make calls
to people who ain't home.

You know, for a public servant,
you got a really lousy attitude!

Yeah, yeah. Come on,
we got to get your prints.

Oh, no. I don't wanna
put my fingers in this goo!

You sure are particular

for a woman who
smells like a brewery.

Officer, please,
let's be reasonable.

Oh, it's obvious I
don't belong here.

Just look at me. Do I look
like a homeless person?

Cute outfit, doll.

You get yours at
the mission, too?

An old buddy of yours?

No! I don't know
any of these people!

They are homeless! I am not!

My house is my life!

Right, honey. That,
and a case of beer.

How would you like to be wearin'
that badge on your backside?

Well, wait a minute!

What kind of a place is this?

You didn't even take my picture.

No need. You got a face
I ain't never gonna forget.

Come on, in you go.

Please don't put
me in there. Please.

I've heard what happens to
big, buxom beauties behind bars.

Trust me. You got
nothin' to worry about.

But I don't belong in here!

I am not a vagrant!

I am not a bum!

I am not a creep!

Of course, neither
are any of you.

When I said creep,
I said it with love.

Hey, cutie, you want a seat?

Well, thank you.

Right here, cupcake.

I think I'd just as soon stand.

Guard!

What's the matter, not
good enough for you?

- Think you're better?
- No, no, it's not that.

It's just that I, uh..
Well, I shouldn't be here.

None of us should.

Hey, lady, you can have my seat.

Well, sweetie, what is
an adorable little thing

like you doin' in here?

Don't you have a place to live?

Well, me and my
mom were living in a car

but it got towed away.

Well, wasn't there
someplace else you could go?

A relative? An aunt?
A grandmother?

Well..

There's got to be someplace.

Lord, I know I wouldn't
let anything like this

happen to a member of my family.

Thelma?

Thelma, is that you?

Cousin Cora?

Cousin Cora, what
are you doin' here?

Well, what do you mean?

Same thing as you. I
have no place to live.

Oh, yeah.

Thelma, who'd have
thought we'd end up like this?

- Is Sam here with you?
- No.

Sam passed on
two years ago, May.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know he was ill.

You remember how
healthy he always was?

Like a horse, that
man, and strong.

Mm-hmm. Well, as
healthy as he was

that's how sick he got.

And then, it dragged on for
months, ate up all our savings.

We had to remortgage the farm.

I lost the farm and
Sam at the same month.

Oh, Cora.

I looked for work, but
it's not easy at my age.

All I know is farmin'.

Try rentin' an apartment
when you don't have a job.

Why didn't you call me?

We're family.

My stupid pride, I guess.

And I thought it
was just temporary.

Hmph! It's been
temporary two years now.

Well, this is the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

Well, that's a laugh riot
compared to my story.

Do you mind?

He's right, though.
Everybody here has got a story.

Well, what about the government?

Aren't they doin'
anything to help?

Oh, sure. They're givin' us
a nice, clean place to sleep

and food to eat.

- Where's that?
- You're in it.

Hey, don't laugh.

My little girl's a
lot safer in this jail

than she was at that
crummy welfare hotel.

Oh, now, you can't mean that.

Shoot! You'll find
more criminals there

than you ever would here.

Oh, Thelma, you
must be new at this.

Well, the fact is,
I'm only in here

because my grandson
ran off with my wallet.

Kids nowadays!

Yes, sir, captain.

We'll have 'em out
of here in no time.

Looks like we're gonna have
to turn this whole crowd loose.

What's up?

Mayor Tutwiller
wants them released

before the media
has a field day.

Nothin' like an election year

to soften a politician's heart.

Okay, everybody,
you're free to go.

How do you like that?
We don't even get dinner!

Now, come on.
Everybody's goin' home.

Hey! We ain't got no home.

Now, wait a minute here.

You can't turn these people out.

At least here there's
food and shelter.

Sorry, lady, uh,
lockin' up the homeless

is bad for the mayor's image.

Well, he's gonna
get more publicity

than he bargained for,
because we are not leavin'!

Give me back those keys!

You just come and get 'em!

You got to help me!

I can't find my mama!

Uh, we'd like to file a
missin' person report.

She's never been gone this long.

- Name?
- Vinton Harper.

No, Vint, not your name.

Thelma Harper.

Age?

Uh, uh, unknown.

She's pretty old though.

And she's really let herself go.

Her hips have spread, they
kind of jiggle when she walks.

- Don't write that down.
- Yeah.

If she sees that,
she'll blow up.

She's got a real temper.

Lady, give me those keys!

Oh, blow it out
your ear, copper!

There she is! That's my mama!

I thought that description
sounded familiar.

I demand that that woman
be released immediately!

I've been demandin' the same
thing for the last five minutes.

Well, hi there, Mrs. Harper.

Never thought I'd
see you behind bars.

Oh, mama, what have you done?

Nothin' compared to
what I'm about to do.

Iola, get out your
pad and pencil.

I'm gonna give you
the scoop of a lifetime.

All these people want
is a roof over their heads

and Mayor Tutwiller is
about to throw them all

out on the street, and
we are not gonna let him!

- That's right!
- Yeah! Yeah!

Right on, grandma!

Don't you right on me!

Where the hell have you been?

Must be the kid
who stole her wallet.

Now, listen up, lugnut, you
gotta go spread the word.

I want you to go over to K-Ray.

Tell them to send
over a camera crew.

And notify all the
newspapers and radio.

Tell 'em we are not budgin'

until these people have
a decent place to stay!

That's right! We're not movin'!

You tell 'em, Thelma!

We're stayin'!

We shall not be moved!

Come on, lady, don't do this.

Why don't you just go on
home? You don't belong here.

I don't?

No. You have no idea

what these people
are really like.

Well, you may be right.

You know, I read about
this lady who was pregnant.

She had no place to stay.

She wound up havin'
that baby in a barn.

You see what I mean?
They're just like animals.

Of course, that kid
didn't turn out too bad.

Every December
25th, all over world

we celebrate the birthday
of that baby in that barn.

Oh. Well, now, I don't
think that's the same...

I know you don't think!

Now why don't you just back off

before you get hit
with a bolt of lightning!

I am right where I belong!

Come on. Come on.

Alrighty, Cora.
Come on in, sweetie.

Sit right over there.
Make yourself at home.

Lord, this house
never looked so good.

Boy! I got to hand
it to you, mama.

Ha ha! You really lit a
fire under Mayor Tutwiller!

Yeah! Did you see
the way he squirmed

in front of those TV cameras?

Just like he was
on "60 minutes."

And wasn't Iola a regular Mike
Wallace the way she got him

to call that emergency city
council meetin' for tomorrow?

I tell ya. If we keep at 'em

they're gonna have to do
something for the homeless.

Thelma, I can't
thank you enough!

Oh, but, don't
thank me, sweetie.

Everybody's
gettin' into the act.

Wasn't it nice of
Reverend Meechum

to open up the church
basement as a temporary shelter?

Oh, speakin' of
which, I promised

I'd bring him those
cots from the garage.

I'll give you a
hand, Uncle Vint.

Say, we got all those
blankets downstairs.

Why don't we give 'em those too?

- Can I help?
- Absolutely not!

Sit right there and relax.

You're gonna stay with us

until we get you fixed up
with a place of your own.

Place of my own?

Those are beautiful words.

- Yeah, you know what, Cora?
- Hmm?

I always used to think that
what made a house a home

were the people who lived there.

But let's face it, the
walls and the roof

have got a hell of a
lot to do with it, too.