Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 17 - Mama in One - full transcript

A weekend alone seems like Mama's dream come true, but the quiet and loneliness prove more than she can handle.

Grandma!

Oh! What are you doin'
with all those cards?

Oh, I got roped into updatin'
the church phone directory.

Oh, good it's nothin' important.

I need you to help me
memorize the names

of my fraternity brothers.

I'm pledgin' Sigma Alpha Pi.

Well, if anyone was ever
born to be a SAP, you're it.

Grandma, Sigma Alpha Pi

is part of our
American heritage.

They were the first fraternity
to ever stage a panty raid.



Well, it's good to
know my tuition money

ain't goin' to waste.

Us pledges have to
recite all the names

in the time it takes
for a match to burn!

Clyde Allen, Pete
Basker, Chuck Bulo..

Will you knock it off? I'm
trying to alphabetize here!

Jim Gatt, Bill Harp,
Steve Hill, David Johnson..

Keep your underwear-stealin'
heathens in here.

I'm gonna take my God-fearin'
Christians into the parlor!

Bud Priestly, Bob Robinson..

Jim Smith, Rat
Turner, Tim Tushinsky..

Ow! Grandma!

Well, go stick it
in ice, you sap!

Mrs. Harper, I need your advice



on these curtains
for the basement.

Well, my advice
is don't make 'em!

I haven't seen such
ugly drapery material

since Jane redecorated
Tarzan's treehouse.

That's the idea, mama.

We're gonna turn our
basement into a passion pit.

Yeah!

The pregnancy book says

that the more
exciting your love nest

the better your
chances are to conceive!

Yeah, well, if I were
a baby, I'd think twice

before comin' into a
world with curtains like that.

Vinton, will you knock it
off? I can't hear myself think!

Oh, I'm sorry, mama.

I'm trying to stop
the picture from rollin'.

Sometimes all it
needs is a good smack.

There!

Well, hell, Vinton, that
TV's not the only thing

that needs a good smack!

Knock, knock. He-e-re's Herman!

Oh, goody.

Taking your goldfish
for a walk, Iola?

No! Thelma's
gonna fish-sit for me.

Oh! Where you goin', Iola?

Oh! I'm takin' mother and daddy

to hot sulphur springs
for the weekend.

You know, they just
installed a new crane.

So it'll be easier to get
mother in and out of the baths.

Mrs. Harper, how do you
get this thing off zigzag?

Good Lord, don't touch it!

If you wreck my Singer,
Vinton will start smackin' it!

Alright! Have you seen
my Philips screwdriver?

Yeah, Vinton, I was
frostin' a cake with it

just this morning!

Ow!

Grandma, you got
any longer matches?

Why don't you go find
yourself a smaller fraternity?

- Are you still here?
- Yes.

Before I go, I was wonderin'

could you do me one more
little favor this weekend?

What?

Could you come over and
turn on a light when it gets dark.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Oh, and then around 8
o'clock, could you come over

and switch on the
TV in the living room?

Maybe turn on a few
more lights upstairs?

Flush the toilet a few times?

You know, make it look
like somebody's at home?

Somebody will be at home! Me!

- And then around midnight...
- Out!

Lord! Where the
hell is it written

that Thelma always
plays the patsy?

You want somebody to
watch your fish? Call Thelma!

Wanna sew some
draperies that'll get you hot?

Call Thelma!

A housekeeper, cook,
slave, all rolled into one?

Call Thelma!

That's probably for me!

Just what is it you
want from Thelma?

Just a minute.

It's for you, Mr. Good Wrench.

You! It's one of
your stupid cronies.

Which one?

Take this damn
receiver out of my hand

before I beat your butt with it!

How the holy hell
am I supposed to get

my church work done in this zoo?

Mrs. Harper, please!
Watch your mouth!

If we do get a little,
tiny baby in this house

I don't want you to
corrupt him or her

with your raunchy language.

Well, who the hell
can keep a civil tongue

in this nuthouse?

- Well, don't blame it on us!
- 'Now, I mean it!'

If I could just be left
alone this weekend

have a little peace and
quiet to get my work done

I swear not one dirty
word would cross my lips.

Great! Thanks!

Whoo-hoo! Good news, Skeeter.

Floyd, over at the Jiffy
Lube, slipped on a grease spot

and threw his back out.

Well, let's break
out the champagne!

No, mama, you don't understand.

He won't be able
to use his cabin

up at Lake Crippen this weekend.

So he said me and Naomi could!

Honey, that sounds like
the love nest of our dreams!

Hey, I did it!

I may make it through
hell weekend after all!

Oh, is that where they
lock you in the frat house

and torture you for two days?

Yeah, it's real exclusive.

Only a few of us
pledges got invited.

What an honor.

I never thought a
grandson of mine

would get to have
his fanny paddled

while pushing a
peanut with his nose.

You know what this means,
don't you, Mrs. Harper?

He'll be sore at both ends?

It means your wish
has been granted.

Everybody's going
away for the weekend.

You'll be all alone, and you
can't cuss for two whole days!

Well, who cares?

'Cause I'm going to have
this entire house to myself!

Hot... diggity dog!

Come on, you two,
Let's get a move on!

Honey, what do you
think you're gonna want

for dinner tonight
up at Lake Crippen?

Tuna salad, for staying power.

Or SpaghettiOs,
for quick energy?

Well, if I know you,
he's gonna need both.

Alright, Bubba! Come
on! Animal house awaits!

Just think, grandma, if I
make it through hell weekend

I'm gonna be a big
man on campus.

Well, you better be a big man

if you're gonna wear
around that stupid beanie.

Come on, let's go.

It's not polite to be
late for your hazing.

Okay, mama, we're all
packed and ready to go.

Yep! Have a nice
weekend, Mrs. Harper!

Say, are you sure that
you're gonna be okay

here all by yourself?

Absolutely! You all run
along. Have a wonderful time.

Or run along and
have a lousy time.

Or run along and
never come back.

I don't care. Just go, go, go!

Oh!

The answer to every
mother's prayer.

A house without a family.

Yarborough, Young,
Zetter and Zuckerman.

Well, I can't believe it.

Those lugnuts have
only been gone ten hours

I'm already done with
parishioners at a glance!

I tell you what.

Life is sure a lot simpler
when you're all alone.

Just have your little..

Lean cuisine out
of a cardboard box.

No cooking, no
calories... no cleanup.

Just my idea of heaven.

Hey, Herman!

How's it goin'?

How about some more of
these yummy fish flakes, huh?

I tell you what, Herman

the only time you look alive

is when you're eatin'.

Hey, you wanna
watch a little bit of TV?

"Celebrity Wrestling"
is on Channel 8.

Ugh! Ahh!

Well, this is ridiculous!

I can't tell Andre The
Giant from Bobby The Brain!

I could just kill
Vinton, that dumb sh..

Sh-sh-shame on me
for what I almost said.

Well, I guess there's always
my new Jackie Collins.

Well, I guess after
all that directory work

my eyes are too shot
for trash this small.

So, Thelma..

What do you wanna do?

I don't know, I
ain't a bit sleepy.

How about a nice, cold beer?

Well, thank you for
askin'. I don't mind if I do.

Well, I'll tell you what,
why don't I go get it for you?

Excuse me, sweetie.

Thank you, Thelma, you're
such a wonderful hostess.

Oh, nonsense!

Nothing is too good for you.

Alrighty.

Here we go.

You want a glass?

Nah!

Can is fine for me.
Why dirty another glass?

Boy, sure is quiet in here.

Oh, that tastes good.

Hey, Herman.

Care for a little libation?

Hey! Tastes great, less filling!

Yeah!

Yes siree, Bob.

What could be better?

No TV, no reading.

Here I am on my
own little couch.

My own little beer.

It's like a dream, Thelma.
So peaceful, so quiet.

How the H-H-Helen Gurley Brown

am I gonna get
through this weekend?

Hello, is this Mabel Ritterbush?

Hi. This is Thelma
Harper. You don't know me.

But I got your name out of
the church phone directory.

I was thinking maybe
this would be a good time

for us to get acquainted.

So did you go to the
church services this mornin'?

You know, I will not
drive in all this rain.

I just.. It's Thelma.

Thelma Harper.

Yeah, so I read in
the church bulletin

where Reverend
Meechum's sermon today

was on "The good
samaritan. Champ or chump?"

So, which was he?

Hello? Hello?

Well... so much for
Christian fellowship.

Well, who needs 'em?

I got you, right, pal?

Hey, Herman, how about
a little Sunday brunch, huh?

You know, I wonder if I
been feeding you too much.

You can barely waddle
on up to the surface there.

Hey, you know what?
You're big-boned though.

You can carry that extra weight.

Well, I'd love to stay here
and chat with you, Herms

but I got a lot to
do in the kitchen.

I'll catch you later, big guy.

Yes, sir.

Oh, happy day.

I been wantin' to reorganize
this kitchen for 20 years.

Thank heavens for
this wonderful weekend.

Thank heavens.

Well, where to begin?

Guess I ought to
start with the flatware.

Now, where would be a really
fun place to keep the spoons?

Not bad. We'll work on it.

This is kind of fun.

Well, eat your
heart out, Sheila E.

♪♪ Brazil ♪♪

♪♪ Where Harper
entertains you ♪♪

♪♪ Da da da da da da-da daaaa ♪♪

♪♪ Da da-da da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Da da da da da ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa-whoa whoa whoa ♪♪♪♪

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪♪ Me ♪♪

♪♪ And my ♪♪

♪♪ Sha-dow ♪♪

♪♪ Strolling down
the a-ve-nue ♪♪

♪♪ Me ♪♪

♪♪ And my ♪♪

♪♪ Sha-dow ♪♪

♪♪ No one here to
tell our troubles to ♪♪

♪♪ And when it's 12 o'clock ♪♪

♪♪ We climb the stairs ♪♪

♪♪ We never knock ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Fish gotta swim
birds gotta fly ♪♪♪♪

That one was for you, big fella.

♪♪ Do do do-do-do-do
do do do-do-do do do ♪♪

♪♪ Do do do-do-do-do
do do do-do-do do do ♪♪

♪♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪♪

♪♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪♪

♪♪ What a glorious feelin' ♪♪

♪♪ I'm happy again ♪♪

♪♪ I'm laughin' at clouds ♪♪

♪♪ So far up above ♪♪

♪♪ The sun's in my heart ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm ready for love ♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Do do do do
do-do-do-do-do do do ♪♪

♪♪ Me and my sha-dow ♪♪

♪♪ All alone and feelin' ♪♪

♪♪ Blue ♪♪♪♪

Alrighty, Tom.

How about a nice butter-bath
for my nice butterball?

Now, I know you're all done,

but you gotta stay warm
for just a few more minutes

'cause that's when
my family will be home.

At least they better be home

'cause I'm running
out of things to say

to the rear end of a bird.

Grandma, I'm back!

Praise be, a human being!

Welcome home, child of my heart!

Well, I made it.

I'm a Sigma Alpha Pi.

Oh, Bubba, that's
just wonderful!

Come on over here.
Tell me all about it.

Don't you leave
out one single detail.

Well, I'm sorry,
grandma, I'm beat.

I been up 24 hours
straight! I gotta get to bed.

Well, but you can't!

I made a fabulous meal
for my fabulous family!

Oh, no, thanks.

They blindfolded me

and fed me worms, raw
eggs and chicken guts.

I couldn't eat a thing.

Wait! I'll fix you
a bicarbonate!

I'll pump your
stomach! Anything!

Vinton? Naomi?

Is that you?

Sure is, Mrs. Harper!

Oh, my darlings!

Oh!

How was your weekend?

It rained the whole time.
We never left the cabin.

Oh, I am so sorry!

Well, don't be, Mrs. Harper.

It was the most romantic
weekend of our lives.

I will never again
smell mosquito repellent

without thinkin' of you.

Oh!

Well, Vinton, Naomi,
come and see your curtains.

I got 'em finished.

Hey!

Maybe later, Mrs. Harper.

Vinton and I gotta get
down to the basement.

We gotta try to recapture
the spirit of Lake Crippen.

I'll get my tackle box,
you grab the tuna.

Yeah!

I don't know why I
bothered to make curtains.

They'll never turn the
lights on to see 'em!

Knock, knock! Anyone home?

Iola, is that you?

Don't move!

Don't move, sweetie pie.

How were those
hot springs? Tell all.

Oh, well, it was a nightmare!

Mother had an allergic
reaction to the eucalyptus wrap.

We had to take
her to the hospital.

Daddy and I spent the
whole night in the waitin' room.

Well, bless your heart.

You'll feel so much better
after you've had a nice, hot meal.

Now, come on, sit down.

Oh no, Thelma, I can't stay. I
just came to pick up Herman.

Oh, well, I'll get him for you.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna miss old Herms
blowing all those bubbles.

It's kind of like having
Lawrence Welk in a jar.

Well, Thelma, what have
you done to him? He's huge!

Well, no, he's not.
He's just husky.

Thelma, I left you with
a cute, little goldfish.

I've come back to Jaws.

Well, what say we discuss a
diet plan for him over dinner?

No can do.

Daddy and I have to salve
down mother every 20 minutes.

But, Iola!

I can't help it, Thelma.

Daddy doesn't have the
strength to do both sides.

Well, how do you like this?

Everybody is home,
and I'm still alone!

Well, who needs any of you?

You can all just
go straight to hell!

Oh, no, don't you
give me that noise!

What's the good of havin'
my family back home

if I can't cuss 'em out?