Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 14 - My Phony Valentine - full transcript
It's Valentine's Day, and romance is in the air. But Cupid has less-than-romantic plans for everyone.
Happy Valentine's Day, mama.
Oh!
You got a kiss for your
sweetheart this mornin'?
You bet I do.
'Course, she's still
downstairs gettin' ready.
You got any idea
how hot this coffee is?
I hope so.
So are you and Iola
all done decoratin'
for the Valentine's banquet?
Boy, are we ever.
You are not gonna recognize
that church basement.
We've hung over
500 glitter hearts
on all them rusty,
mildewed water pipes.
I tell you it is pure romance.
Oh, Naomi's gonna love that.
She goes nuts on
Valentine's Day.
Yeah? What's her
excuse the rest of the year?
Oh! Oh, look what I got her.
A wrist corsage, two carnations.
Well, what made
you go with brown?
They were white last week.
I bought early to avoid
the Valentine's rush.
No flies on me.
Not while that thing's around.
Oh, and..
I got her favorite candy
red licorice whips on sale.
And they wonder who is
gonna fill Cary Grant's shoes.
I'll bet you anything.
This is gonna be the happiest
Valentine's of Naomi's life.
Oh!
Good mornin', Skeeter.
Please get out of my way.
Happy Valentine's.
Oh, not until I've
had my coffee.
Here.
There you go.
There were happier people
at the St. Valentine's
Day massacre.
Where is the morning paper?
Am I the only
member of this family
capable of picking
up the morning paper?
I'll get it, Skeeter.
You just sit there and relax.
So now I'm uptight. Is
that what you're saying?
No. No, not at all.
I'm just sayin' that
you're actin' like..
Like you would sure
enjoy readin' the paper.
I'll get it for you.
Lord, it never fails, does it?
Valentine's Day,
your weddin' day
the big swim meet.
All a girl has to do is circle
an important date
on the calendar
and bingo Mr. Monthly Visitor.
Oh, I just can't believe that
this is happening to me.
Well, sweetie, by now it
shouldn't come as such a shock.
You don't understand. I
was hoping I was pregnant.
Vinton and I have
been trying so hard.
It's just not fair.
I want to be with child.
Here's the paper, baby.
I got dibs on the funnies.
I can't start my day
without "Little Lulu."
And you think
you're not with child?
Happy Valentine's
Day, everybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, big guy, got
a hot date tonight?
The hottest Bunny Vanderhaus!
And I really want
to impress her.
Well, you can't do any better
than the banquet at the church.
Iola and me used
twice as much glitter
as we did last year.
Hey, mama, how come you
two work so hard on the banquet
but you never go yourselves?
Because, honey, you
have to have a date.
Well, we could get
dates if we wanted to.
Iola and me just prefer
to celebrate Valentine's
in a little more traditional
manner, that's all.
How?
By makin' popcorn and
watchin' an old movie on TV.
What is so
traditional about that?
We've done it for
the past six years.
Tonight, we're gonna watch
"Now, Voyager" with Bette Davis.
Talk about your tearjerker.
To me, the real tearjerker
is you sittin' home
watchin' TV on
Valentine's... without a man.
Why? It's the same thing I did
on Valentine's when I had a man.
Except instead of
watchin' Bette Davis
we watched "The Three Stooges."
Knock, knock. Thelma,
grab your purse.
We got a crisis on our hands.
- What? Who died?
- Nobody died.
We have sold out of
tickets for the banquet.
Reverend Meechum wants
to set up a few extra tables
in the vestry.
You mean we're a sellout?
I knew this was gonna
be the best banquet ever.
Well, not if we don't
get another 400 hearts
glittered and hung
by five this afternoon.
Oh, I bet you we pull
an ever bigger crowd
than that stripper
who found God.
Will you get a move on?
We have got a vestry to clean.
I'm comin', I'm
comin', I'm comin'.
What's the use of
doin' church work
if you can't take the
time to gloat? Whoa!
I tell you, it just
breaks my heart
to think of your mama
without a date on Valentine's.
Why's that?
Well, don't you think
grandma needs someone
to put a little
excitement into her life?
Not as long as she's got Iola.
Ok, Mama. This box is all
filled. Two hundred even.
Hey! Hear that, everybody?
Two hundred hearts in
just a little over an hour.
- We're halfway there.
- Only halfway?
Oh, Ms. Harper, I
can't do any more.
I'm not feeling well, you know.
Oh, no, you don't.
Don't give me that.
Just 'cause mother nature
stuck a burr under your saddle
doesn't mean your
fingers can't work.
Well, how long we're
gonna be tied up here?
I still gotta go to the mall
and get Bunny's Valentine gift.
The faster you glue,
the faster you can go
throw your money away.
What are you gettin' her, Bubba?
I don't know. Anybody
got any ideas?
Well, I do, Bubba.
Every girl expects a dozen
long-stemmed red roses
and a big, heart-shaped box of
chocolates for Valentine's Day.
It's a must.
Roses?
W... you said you
liked carnations.
Well, not for
Valentine's, honey!
It's a real loser who
doesn't prove his love
by payin' sky-high prices
for candy and flowers tonight.
Uh, Bubba, how
about I give you a lift
over to the mall later on?
Couple of things
I need to pick up.
You know, all this candy
talk is makin' me hungry.
Y'all keep workin' here.
I'm gonna run to the kitchen.
Fix us a snack.
Just checkin'.
You mean I gotta buy
candy and flowers?
I never knew a
date on Valentine's
was gonna be so expensive.
Well, it need not be, Bubba.
A man doesn't prove himself
by how much money he spends.
He proves it by how
much love is in his heart.
Did you hear that,
Skeeter? Love, not roses.
Oh, what does Iola
know about love?
I will choose to ignore
that remark, Naomi.
I'm sure it's just
the Midol talkin'.
Oh, get over yourself, Iola.
The closest you've
come to dating
is your standing
appointment with Mr. Ralph
at the beauty shop.
Just because I do not
flaunt my feminine attributes
to the world as you do, Naomi
does not mean I
don't have a love life.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't see
anyone taking you
to the Valentine's Day banquet.
For your information, I
was asked to the banquet.
I turned the gentleman down.
Oh, gee, Iola, why would
you do a dumb thing like that?'
Because I had already
made plans with Thelma.
I can't leave her alone
on Valentine's night.
Are you nuts, you mean
you turned down a date
to watch an old
movie with Ms. Harper?
My friendship with
Thelma is worth far more
than a night of passion
with the man of my dreams.
Oh, Iola.
Well, I can't let her do this.
Oh, boy! Here come the eats.
Here you go, hon.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, uh, by the way, Iola.
Did I tell you that the
movie is off for tonight?
What?
Uh, yeah, I'm not
gonna be able to make it.
You'll be able to
find somethin' else
to amuse yourself, won't you?
You bet she will! Right, I?
Yes, indeed!
Thelma, are you
sure you can't make it?
Uh, y... absolutely.
I will be out.
What do you mean out?
Well, you know, not in.
Out.
At night? Well, you shouldn't
go out alone, grandma.
Oh, I won't be alone.
Well, who will be with you?
Somebody else.
On Valentine's?
Gee, Ms. Harper, if I
didn't know you better
I'd say you had a date.
Huh, mama on a date?
That's a good one!
It is not that funny,
you pinheads!
Yes, I do have a date.
You do? Well,
what a coincidence?
Someone asked
me out tonight, too!
No! Who's the lucky guy?
Dennis McGuire,
mother's chiropractor.
Practically a doctor!
Thelma, you are in
charge of the glitter.
- I'll be right back.
- Well, where you goin'?
Well, I have to tell Dennis
that we're on for tonight.
Who would have thought
mother's slipped disc
would bring me such happiness?
Well, enough chitchat.
Everybody back to work.
Oh, no, Ms. Harper.
I want to know more
about this date of yours.
- Yeah, what's his name?
- Where'd you meet him?
- Where's he takin' you?
- Well, good Lord.
Y'all sound like Robert
Stack on "Unsolved Mysteries."
- Mama..
- Oh, alright, alright.
His name is Mel.
I-I met him down at the
Senior Citizens' Center.
He's takin' me to the Chez Ray.
Well, why didn't you tell
us about Mel this mornin'?
Well, he only just asked me.
He's-he's a very
unpredictable guy.
I-I never know
what Mel's gonna do.
I wanna meet him.
When is he pickin' you up?
Oh, not till way after y'all
have gone to the banquet.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We are waitin' right
here till he comes.
That's right!
Yeah, and I'm gonna bring
Bunny by to meet him, too!
Oh, goody.
Alright, Thelma,
we're down to the Z's.
This is your last chance.
Hello. May I speak
to Zeke Zuckerman?
Yeah, this is Thelma Harper.
I'm an old flame of
his from years ago.
Oh, I see.
Well, does the doctor ever
let him out of that oxygen tent?
Say, for a night on the town?
Who were you
talkin' to, grandma?
Uh, wrong number.
How did it go down at the mall?
Terrible. There's not a rose
or a heart-shaped box
of chocolates left in town.
The best I could do was
plastic tulips and diet candy.
Well, it's the
thought that counts.
So why don't you
two boys run along?
Hurry up. Start gettin' ready.
I'm sure it's gonna be a
night we'll never forget..
No matter how hard we try.
Knock, knock!
Well, you get the rest
of those hearts hung?
Yeah, no thanks to you.
Where did you run off to?
Well, I have a date tonight.
I had a million things to do.
You know, Thelma,
it's hard to believe
you and I won't be
spendin' Valentine's night
in front of the TV.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Whoever would have dreamed
we'd both get dates in the same year?
Oh! You know what I
heard down at the church?
Even Roselle
Huflander has a date.
No! How did that side of
beef get herself a man?
Who knows? I always thought
her only hope was rent-a-gent.
Rent-a-what?
You know, that
sleazy escort service
that advertises on the radio?
"Your fantasy man we guarantee.
Call 555-G-E-N-T."
- Got it memorized, do you?
- Oh.
Come on, Thelma,
I'd never sink that low.
Well, who in their
right mind would?
Well, I better go get
dolled up for tonight.
Okay, sweetie, run
along. Have a ball!
Fantasy man guarantee 555..
G..
E..
N..
Where the hell's the T?
Hello. Uh, do y'all
have any fantasy men
for the Geritol generation?
See? Uh, I-I told
you this would be fun.
- Bubba, when are we going?
- You know I am with Bunny.
Why don't you young people
just run on ahead to the banquet?
Oh, no, no, Bunny, none
of us are going anywhere
until Mel arrives.
I know. While we're waitin'
why don't us gents present
the ladies with our little gifts?
What a great idea, honey!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Okay, close your eyes!
Not you, mama, we don't
have any presents for you.
Well, there's a blessing.
Okay, open your eyes!
Vinton, is this what
you think of me?
Cut-rate licorice
and a dead corsage?
Well, it beats rubber
flowers and lean pralines!
Yo, Bun, pass those
pralines over my way.
Bubba..
If this is a joke, I
am not amused.
Uh, say, Uncle Vint
I think maybe we'd better
be gettin' to that banquet.
Yeah. Uh, I'll go warm
up the pickup for the ladies.
Well, would you look at that?
There's a great,
big, white limousine
that pulled up in
front of the house!
I wonder whose it is.
It must be Mel's.
I'll get that.
Happy Valentine's Day..
- Who was it, mama?
- Nobody.
Uh, but why don't I
go outside just in case
and make sure he's gone.
Sweets for the sweet.
What is goin' on here?
They were supposed
to send me a 60 year old.
Not some stud muffin!
It's Valentine's.
We never have enough of
the older guys to go around.
But don't worry, the candy
and roses are on the house.
Get that stinkweed out
of my face, sonny boy!
Mama..
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I am just dandy.
Well, looks like
the gang's all here.
Hello.
Uh, mama..
Don't tell me this is Mel.
Okay, I won't.
This is... Burt,
Mel's chauffeur.
- Uh, where's Mel?
- He's-he's waitin' in the limo.
He-he's real shy
in front of strangers.
Kinda like Howard
Hughes. Isn't that right, Burt?
- Burt!
- Right.
And what have we here?
Roses and a heart-shaped
box of chocolates?
Vinton, do you see this?
Big deal. Who wants a gift
that takes no imagination?
I do!
She gets to ride in a limo
while I am stuck
hangin' on for dear life
in the back of a pickup truck?
This is the worst
Valentine's Day of my life!
Mine too!
Wait up, Bun!
You and me will ride in the cab!
We'll let these
bozos tailgate it.
Hold on, girls. We're coming!
Thanks a lot, mama.
Hey!
Wait for me!
Well, Thelma, shall we be off?
No, you can just turn that
limo back into a pumpkin.
I'm-I'm gonna
call it a night, Burt
or Mel or whoever you are.
But you paid your $50.
You're entitled to the show.
What show?
This one.
What..
You knock it off,
you rent-a-jerk!
You take off one more
thing, I'm callin' the cops!
I'm gonna go call them anyway!
Well, good Lord
I bet the neighbors
are just lovin' this.
Lord, I swear for 50 bucks
that guy could have
taken off a lot less clothes
and given me a lot more candy.
Well, thank goodness I
got Bette Davis' misery
to cheer me up.
Knock, knock.
Iola!
I knew you were still up.
Daddy had his telescope out
and said you put your
nightgown on over an hour ago.
You know what, one of these days
that old man is gonna
get himself in big trouble.
What happened to your date?
Oh, Mel got fresh. I
sent him home early.
How'd it go with
your chiropractor?
He try and jump your bones?
Thelma..
I never had a date.
Well, Naomi got me so mad
I made the whole thing up.
You what?
I couldn't help myself.
And then when I heard
that you had a date, too
I got so desperate I
nearly called rent-a-gent.
Well, that is
really rock bottom.
You poor, pitiful thing!
Well, don't worry
about it, sweetie.
Everything is gonna be fine.
I got enough flowers and
candy here for both of us.
No, those are yours.
Don't be silly!
Here, have a nougat..
Valentine.
Thank you, Thelma.
Oh, looky here.
Paul Henreid's about to
light Bette Davis' cigarette.
Oh, this is my favorite part.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Thelma, where does a girl find a
man like Paul Henreid nowadays?
Beats the hell
out of me, sweetie.
Last time I saw a
guy with two cigarettes
hangin' out of his mouth
they were throwin'
knives at him at the circus.
Oh!
You got a kiss for your
sweetheart this mornin'?
You bet I do.
'Course, she's still
downstairs gettin' ready.
You got any idea
how hot this coffee is?
I hope so.
So are you and Iola
all done decoratin'
for the Valentine's banquet?
Boy, are we ever.
You are not gonna recognize
that church basement.
We've hung over
500 glitter hearts
on all them rusty,
mildewed water pipes.
I tell you it is pure romance.
Oh, Naomi's gonna love that.
She goes nuts on
Valentine's Day.
Yeah? What's her
excuse the rest of the year?
Oh! Oh, look what I got her.
A wrist corsage, two carnations.
Well, what made
you go with brown?
They were white last week.
I bought early to avoid
the Valentine's rush.
No flies on me.
Not while that thing's around.
Oh, and..
I got her favorite candy
red licorice whips on sale.
And they wonder who is
gonna fill Cary Grant's shoes.
I'll bet you anything.
This is gonna be the happiest
Valentine's of Naomi's life.
Oh!
Good mornin', Skeeter.
Please get out of my way.
Happy Valentine's.
Oh, not until I've
had my coffee.
Here.
There you go.
There were happier people
at the St. Valentine's
Day massacre.
Where is the morning paper?
Am I the only
member of this family
capable of picking
up the morning paper?
I'll get it, Skeeter.
You just sit there and relax.
So now I'm uptight. Is
that what you're saying?
No. No, not at all.
I'm just sayin' that
you're actin' like..
Like you would sure
enjoy readin' the paper.
I'll get it for you.
Lord, it never fails, does it?
Valentine's Day,
your weddin' day
the big swim meet.
All a girl has to do is circle
an important date
on the calendar
and bingo Mr. Monthly Visitor.
Oh, I just can't believe that
this is happening to me.
Well, sweetie, by now it
shouldn't come as such a shock.
You don't understand. I
was hoping I was pregnant.
Vinton and I have
been trying so hard.
It's just not fair.
I want to be with child.
Here's the paper, baby.
I got dibs on the funnies.
I can't start my day
without "Little Lulu."
And you think
you're not with child?
Happy Valentine's
Day, everybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, big guy, got
a hot date tonight?
The hottest Bunny Vanderhaus!
And I really want
to impress her.
Well, you can't do any better
than the banquet at the church.
Iola and me used
twice as much glitter
as we did last year.
Hey, mama, how come you
two work so hard on the banquet
but you never go yourselves?
Because, honey, you
have to have a date.
Well, we could get
dates if we wanted to.
Iola and me just prefer
to celebrate Valentine's
in a little more traditional
manner, that's all.
How?
By makin' popcorn and
watchin' an old movie on TV.
What is so
traditional about that?
We've done it for
the past six years.
Tonight, we're gonna watch
"Now, Voyager" with Bette Davis.
Talk about your tearjerker.
To me, the real tearjerker
is you sittin' home
watchin' TV on
Valentine's... without a man.
Why? It's the same thing I did
on Valentine's when I had a man.
Except instead of
watchin' Bette Davis
we watched "The Three Stooges."
Knock, knock. Thelma,
grab your purse.
We got a crisis on our hands.
- What? Who died?
- Nobody died.
We have sold out of
tickets for the banquet.
Reverend Meechum wants
to set up a few extra tables
in the vestry.
You mean we're a sellout?
I knew this was gonna
be the best banquet ever.
Well, not if we don't
get another 400 hearts
glittered and hung
by five this afternoon.
Oh, I bet you we pull
an ever bigger crowd
than that stripper
who found God.
Will you get a move on?
We have got a vestry to clean.
I'm comin', I'm
comin', I'm comin'.
What's the use of
doin' church work
if you can't take the
time to gloat? Whoa!
I tell you, it just
breaks my heart
to think of your mama
without a date on Valentine's.
Why's that?
Well, don't you think
grandma needs someone
to put a little
excitement into her life?
Not as long as she's got Iola.
Ok, Mama. This box is all
filled. Two hundred even.
Hey! Hear that, everybody?
Two hundred hearts in
just a little over an hour.
- We're halfway there.
- Only halfway?
Oh, Ms. Harper, I
can't do any more.
I'm not feeling well, you know.
Oh, no, you don't.
Don't give me that.
Just 'cause mother nature
stuck a burr under your saddle
doesn't mean your
fingers can't work.
Well, how long we're
gonna be tied up here?
I still gotta go to the mall
and get Bunny's Valentine gift.
The faster you glue,
the faster you can go
throw your money away.
What are you gettin' her, Bubba?
I don't know. Anybody
got any ideas?
Well, I do, Bubba.
Every girl expects a dozen
long-stemmed red roses
and a big, heart-shaped box of
chocolates for Valentine's Day.
It's a must.
Roses?
W... you said you
liked carnations.
Well, not for
Valentine's, honey!
It's a real loser who
doesn't prove his love
by payin' sky-high prices
for candy and flowers tonight.
Uh, Bubba, how
about I give you a lift
over to the mall later on?
Couple of things
I need to pick up.
You know, all this candy
talk is makin' me hungry.
Y'all keep workin' here.
I'm gonna run to the kitchen.
Fix us a snack.
Just checkin'.
You mean I gotta buy
candy and flowers?
I never knew a
date on Valentine's
was gonna be so expensive.
Well, it need not be, Bubba.
A man doesn't prove himself
by how much money he spends.
He proves it by how
much love is in his heart.
Did you hear that,
Skeeter? Love, not roses.
Oh, what does Iola
know about love?
I will choose to ignore
that remark, Naomi.
I'm sure it's just
the Midol talkin'.
Oh, get over yourself, Iola.
The closest you've
come to dating
is your standing
appointment with Mr. Ralph
at the beauty shop.
Just because I do not
flaunt my feminine attributes
to the world as you do, Naomi
does not mean I
don't have a love life.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't see
anyone taking you
to the Valentine's Day banquet.
For your information, I
was asked to the banquet.
I turned the gentleman down.
Oh, gee, Iola, why would
you do a dumb thing like that?'
Because I had already
made plans with Thelma.
I can't leave her alone
on Valentine's night.
Are you nuts, you mean
you turned down a date
to watch an old
movie with Ms. Harper?
My friendship with
Thelma is worth far more
than a night of passion
with the man of my dreams.
Oh, Iola.
Well, I can't let her do this.
Oh, boy! Here come the eats.
Here you go, hon.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, uh, by the way, Iola.
Did I tell you that the
movie is off for tonight?
What?
Uh, yeah, I'm not
gonna be able to make it.
You'll be able to
find somethin' else
to amuse yourself, won't you?
You bet she will! Right, I?
Yes, indeed!
Thelma, are you
sure you can't make it?
Uh, y... absolutely.
I will be out.
What do you mean out?
Well, you know, not in.
Out.
At night? Well, you shouldn't
go out alone, grandma.
Oh, I won't be alone.
Well, who will be with you?
Somebody else.
On Valentine's?
Gee, Ms. Harper, if I
didn't know you better
I'd say you had a date.
Huh, mama on a date?
That's a good one!
It is not that funny,
you pinheads!
Yes, I do have a date.
You do? Well,
what a coincidence?
Someone asked
me out tonight, too!
No! Who's the lucky guy?
Dennis McGuire,
mother's chiropractor.
Practically a doctor!
Thelma, you are in
charge of the glitter.
- I'll be right back.
- Well, where you goin'?
Well, I have to tell Dennis
that we're on for tonight.
Who would have thought
mother's slipped disc
would bring me such happiness?
Well, enough chitchat.
Everybody back to work.
Oh, no, Ms. Harper.
I want to know more
about this date of yours.
- Yeah, what's his name?
- Where'd you meet him?
- Where's he takin' you?
- Well, good Lord.
Y'all sound like Robert
Stack on "Unsolved Mysteries."
- Mama..
- Oh, alright, alright.
His name is Mel.
I-I met him down at the
Senior Citizens' Center.
He's takin' me to the Chez Ray.
Well, why didn't you tell
us about Mel this mornin'?
Well, he only just asked me.
He's-he's a very
unpredictable guy.
I-I never know
what Mel's gonna do.
I wanna meet him.
When is he pickin' you up?
Oh, not till way after y'all
have gone to the banquet.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We are waitin' right
here till he comes.
That's right!
Yeah, and I'm gonna bring
Bunny by to meet him, too!
Oh, goody.
Alright, Thelma,
we're down to the Z's.
This is your last chance.
Hello. May I speak
to Zeke Zuckerman?
Yeah, this is Thelma Harper.
I'm an old flame of
his from years ago.
Oh, I see.
Well, does the doctor ever
let him out of that oxygen tent?
Say, for a night on the town?
Who were you
talkin' to, grandma?
Uh, wrong number.
How did it go down at the mall?
Terrible. There's not a rose
or a heart-shaped box
of chocolates left in town.
The best I could do was
plastic tulips and diet candy.
Well, it's the
thought that counts.
So why don't you
two boys run along?
Hurry up. Start gettin' ready.
I'm sure it's gonna be a
night we'll never forget..
No matter how hard we try.
Knock, knock!
Well, you get the rest
of those hearts hung?
Yeah, no thanks to you.
Where did you run off to?
Well, I have a date tonight.
I had a million things to do.
You know, Thelma,
it's hard to believe
you and I won't be
spendin' Valentine's night
in front of the TV.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Whoever would have dreamed
we'd both get dates in the same year?
Oh! You know what I
heard down at the church?
Even Roselle
Huflander has a date.
No! How did that side of
beef get herself a man?
Who knows? I always thought
her only hope was rent-a-gent.
Rent-a-what?
You know, that
sleazy escort service
that advertises on the radio?
"Your fantasy man we guarantee.
Call 555-G-E-N-T."
- Got it memorized, do you?
- Oh.
Come on, Thelma,
I'd never sink that low.
Well, who in their
right mind would?
Well, I better go get
dolled up for tonight.
Okay, sweetie, run
along. Have a ball!
Fantasy man guarantee 555..
G..
E..
N..
Where the hell's the T?
Hello. Uh, do y'all
have any fantasy men
for the Geritol generation?
See? Uh, I-I told
you this would be fun.
- Bubba, when are we going?
- You know I am with Bunny.
Why don't you young people
just run on ahead to the banquet?
Oh, no, no, Bunny, none
of us are going anywhere
until Mel arrives.
I know. While we're waitin'
why don't us gents present
the ladies with our little gifts?
What a great idea, honey!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Okay, close your eyes!
Not you, mama, we don't
have any presents for you.
Well, there's a blessing.
Okay, open your eyes!
Vinton, is this what
you think of me?
Cut-rate licorice
and a dead corsage?
Well, it beats rubber
flowers and lean pralines!
Yo, Bun, pass those
pralines over my way.
Bubba..
If this is a joke, I
am not amused.
Uh, say, Uncle Vint
I think maybe we'd better
be gettin' to that banquet.
Yeah. Uh, I'll go warm
up the pickup for the ladies.
Well, would you look at that?
There's a great,
big, white limousine
that pulled up in
front of the house!
I wonder whose it is.
It must be Mel's.
I'll get that.
Happy Valentine's Day..
- Who was it, mama?
- Nobody.
Uh, but why don't I
go outside just in case
and make sure he's gone.
Sweets for the sweet.
What is goin' on here?
They were supposed
to send me a 60 year old.
Not some stud muffin!
It's Valentine's.
We never have enough of
the older guys to go around.
But don't worry, the candy
and roses are on the house.
Get that stinkweed out
of my face, sonny boy!
Mama..
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I am just dandy.
Well, looks like
the gang's all here.
Hello.
Uh, mama..
Don't tell me this is Mel.
Okay, I won't.
This is... Burt,
Mel's chauffeur.
- Uh, where's Mel?
- He's-he's waitin' in the limo.
He-he's real shy
in front of strangers.
Kinda like Howard
Hughes. Isn't that right, Burt?
- Burt!
- Right.
And what have we here?
Roses and a heart-shaped
box of chocolates?
Vinton, do you see this?
Big deal. Who wants a gift
that takes no imagination?
I do!
She gets to ride in a limo
while I am stuck
hangin' on for dear life
in the back of a pickup truck?
This is the worst
Valentine's Day of my life!
Mine too!
Wait up, Bun!
You and me will ride in the cab!
We'll let these
bozos tailgate it.
Hold on, girls. We're coming!
Thanks a lot, mama.
Hey!
Wait for me!
Well, Thelma, shall we be off?
No, you can just turn that
limo back into a pumpkin.
I'm-I'm gonna
call it a night, Burt
or Mel or whoever you are.
But you paid your $50.
You're entitled to the show.
What show?
This one.
What..
You knock it off,
you rent-a-jerk!
You take off one more
thing, I'm callin' the cops!
I'm gonna go call them anyway!
Well, good Lord
I bet the neighbors
are just lovin' this.
Lord, I swear for 50 bucks
that guy could have
taken off a lot less clothes
and given me a lot more candy.
Well, thank goodness I
got Bette Davis' misery
to cheer me up.
Knock, knock.
Iola!
I knew you were still up.
Daddy had his telescope out
and said you put your
nightgown on over an hour ago.
You know what, one of these days
that old man is gonna
get himself in big trouble.
What happened to your date?
Oh, Mel got fresh. I
sent him home early.
How'd it go with
your chiropractor?
He try and jump your bones?
Thelma..
I never had a date.
Well, Naomi got me so mad
I made the whole thing up.
You what?
I couldn't help myself.
And then when I heard
that you had a date, too
I got so desperate I
nearly called rent-a-gent.
Well, that is
really rock bottom.
You poor, pitiful thing!
Well, don't worry
about it, sweetie.
Everything is gonna be fine.
I got enough flowers and
candy here for both of us.
No, those are yours.
Don't be silly!
Here, have a nougat..
Valentine.
Thank you, Thelma.
Oh, looky here.
Paul Henreid's about to
light Bette Davis' cigarette.
Oh, this is my favorite part.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Thelma, where does a girl find a
man like Paul Henreid nowadays?
Beats the hell
out of me, sweetie.
Last time I saw a
guy with two cigarettes
hangin' out of his mouth
they were throwin'
knives at him at the circus.