Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 13 - Mama's Layaway Plan - full transcript
After attending a barebones funeral with no mourners, Mama vows her own funeral will be an unforgettable extravagance. Her all-consuming plans alienate her family.
Ready, and out two, three, four.
In, two, three, four. - Oh!
Out, two, three, four.
- In, two, three, four.
- Oh!
Out, two, three, four.
In, two, three, four.
Out, two, three, four.
And down, two, three, four.
Honestly, you guys,
we can lift those balls
until we're blue in the face.
We're never gonna win
that family bowl-a-thon.
Oh, come on, Aunt Naomi just
'cause the Huplanders won the
last eight years in a row
doesn't mean they're unbeatable.
Yeah. We got within
50 pins of 'em last year.
Ow.
Right now, grandma's
at the top of her form.
Yesterday she made a 7-10 split.
Yeah, well, let's just hope that
goin' to cousin Ludy's funeral
doesn't put her off her game.
Don't worry, Skeeter.
Mama will bowl like a pro.
She's always real up
after a family funeral.
Why is that?
Because they're
dead and she's not.
Trust me, she's gonna
come back from that service
on top of the world.
Well, I hope you all
are proud of yourselves
you slime buckets.
Uh, how was the funeral, mama?
Well, it was a real
fiasco from the word "Go."
Not one single
mourner showed up.
But I thought you
went with Aunt Effie.
Oh, my Lord, Effie.
Well, sweetheart,
come on in here.
I didn't mean to slam
that door in your face.
It was just for effect.
Five more minutes and I
would have gone home.
Sit right there, sweetie. Here
have some tea and some popcorn.
Hey, that's my tea.
You don't deserve any tea.
Where the hell were
you deadbeats, anyway?
I told you Ludy's
funeral was at 1 o'clock.
Well, we just didn't
feel up to it, Ms. Harper.
Funerals are very depressing.
Well, of course they are
depressing, what do you expect
with a dead body in
the room, a hoedown?
Jeez! Oh, grandma, I never
even knew cousin Ludy.
Yeah, and I never liked her.
Jeez! Oh, me.
We're not talkin' about somebody
you know or somebody you like.
We're talkin' about family.
It's your duty to show up and
grieve. Isn't that right, Effie?
There's lipstick on this glass.
- Oh, who asked you?
- Come on, grandma.
You'll feel a lot better once
we get down to Ray Lanes.
- Ray Lanes?
- Yeah.
We reserved a lane
for the whole afternoon
so that we could practice
for the bowl-a-thon.
Yeah, lucky number
seven, your favorite
right next to the snack
bar and the shoe sterilizer.
I can hardly believe my ears.
Have I actually raised a family
that is more concerned
about bowlin' than they are
preservin' the memory
of a beloved relative?
I am just sorry that Effie
has to sit here and hear this.
It's alright, sweetie. You
just pay them no mind.
It's not them. I got a popcorn
kernel stuck in my throat.
Effie, pipe down,
here, have some tea.
Come on, mama. It's
not that we don't care.
It's just that they only hold
the lane for five minutes.
Yeah, Ms. Harper.
Couldn't we bowl
while we grieve?
We could dedicate the
first frame to cousin Tootie.
It's cousin Ludy.
Tootie was on
"The Facts of Life."
Now, get out of here,
all of you. Go on, get!
Lord, do you
believe those three?
Oh, what's the difference?
That funeral was a
real penny-ante affair..
Not a single flower.
I know, and what
about that casket?
Lord, I've seen sturdier
boxes for takeout chicken.
I hope I don't go that way.
Oh, you've got nothin'
to worry about, Thelma.
Ludy was alone.
You got a family to give
you a wonderful funeral.
My family?
Probably sanitize my shoes
and lay me out on lane seven.
I tell you what, if I want
to have a nice funeral
I'm gonna have to plan
the darn thing myself.
Let's see, first of all I
want flowers, lots of flowers
and music... maybe
a choir or two.
Iola, I'm gettin' a
nosebleed up here.
You want to get with it?
I need more light.
Oh! Thelma, this
lamp has a short.
Well, just give it a
jiggle. It'll come back on.
Oh, no. I'm not touchin' it.
Faulty wiring is responsible
for 37% of all household injuries.
Well, thank you, Reddy Kilowatt.
Down off of this thing,
for cryin' out loud.
There... now is
there anything else
before I climb back
up on the Matterhorn?
- That ought to do it.
- Fine.
Mama.
It's 12:35.
You like my new cuckoo clock?
What Vinton means, Ms.
Harper is that it is time for lunch.
Great, what are you fixin'?
Oh, quit kiddin', mama.
We need somethin'
home-cooked to stick to our ribs
for that bowl-a-thon tonight.
Hey, grandma!
When is lunch?
What is this, feedin'
time at the zoo?
I will get you your lunch as
soon as I am finished here.
What are you doin'
up there, anyhow?
I'm thinkin' of becomin'
a go-go dancer.
I think you're gonna have to
make that dress a lot shorter.
I'm just kiddin', you moron.
Come here, as long as my
family is all gathered together
I guess I might as
well tell you now.
I'm gonna be
buried in this dress.
- What?
- Ms. Harper.
- What are you saying?
- Oh, don't go, mama, don't go.
Let go of me, you big
goon. I ain't goin' anywhere.
I am just takin' care of my
funeral arrangements now
so that you will not
have the burden later.
Here, here's a list of
the things you have to do.
Iola, I'm puttin' you in charge
of the food for the wake.
Oh, Thelma, I'm touched.
I will leave the menu completely
up to you. Money is no object.
Just don't make that god-awful
pineapple-marshmallow salad
of yours.
Bubba, there's a list
of my favorite flowers.
I would like one
arrangement of each.
But please, none of
those tacky horseshoes.
- I want to go out in style.
- Yes, ma'am.
Naomi, see that this obituary
gets printed in the
paper, verbatim.
Okay, except Ms. Harper,
you don't wear a size 4 dress.
Just shut up and print it!
And, Vinton, here is a
list of all the dignitaries
I would like to be
my pallbearers.
Mama, there are
only six men here.
I think it's gonna
take at least ten.
Uh, those steps outside
the church are real killers.
Trust me, Vinton, this
funeral's gonna be worth
gettin' a hernia over.
It sounds so extravagant.
How do you plan to pay for it all?
Well, I've... I've got about
1,200 bucks socked away.
You want to help me here?
Wait a minute, grandma.
- That's our Grand Canyon money.
- Yeah.
You said that we were gonna
finally get to go this summer.
Oh, who needs the Grand
Canyon? It's just a tourist trap.
But you promised I
could spit over the edge.
Fine, Vinton, you
can spit on my grave.
- Oh, Thelma.
- Well, what's the difference?
They both just
holes in the ground.
For the same price, I can
spend three days at the big one
or the rest of eternity
in the little one.
Now, I ask you,
which is a better deal?
Well, I vote for
the Grand Canyon.
- Oh, me too.
- Definitely the Grand Canyon.
Yeah, no question about it.
Well, it's my money, so
you are definitely outvoted.
It's goin' for my dream funeral.
But mama the Grand
Canyon's got donkey rides.
Big deal, if I
want to take a ride
I got a houseful of
jackasses right here.
Oh, Thelma, it's
so spooky in here.
I don't know why you
insisted I come along.
Don't be silly! You've
been by my side
for every major
appliance I've ever bought.
A casket is just like an icebox
except there's
no celery crisper.
Oh, let's go!
Welcome, ladies.
I'm Bradford Wellman.
How may I help you?
You can't help me at all.
This is the deceased.
Well, Iola, I ain't dead yet.
I'm Thelma Harper.
We spoke on the phone.
Of course, Mrs. Harper.
Please, won't you make
yourselves at home?
Well, we would
love to, wouldn't we?
Doesn't he have a
cozy, little place here?
You'll forgive us if we
don't kick our shoes off
and have a beer.
Well, Mrs. Harper I
have the impression
that you're a sensible
kind of woman
who would prefer a simple
ceremony without ostentation.
Hell, no. I want ostentation.
Give me a funeral somewhere
between Elvis and King Tut.
Just the kind of
customer we like
a woman with taste.
You know, the
hallmark of a fine funeral
is, of course, the casket.
He's absolutely right, you know.
That pine box of Ludy's
was a real downer.
Won't you take a
moment to browse through
our new fall line
of deluxe models?
Well, this is fancier than
the Neiman Marcus Catalog.
Probably more expensive.
Oh, look at this one,
with the lavender linin'.
Solid oak.
"Handcrafted in New England
for that touch of
colonial elegance."
Well, have you
ever in your life?
That thing's too pretty
to put in the ground.
I got to have it.
Ah, did you see
something that you like?
She's interested in the A-3.
The "George Washington
slept here" model.
An interesting choice.
You're very brave, Mrs. Harper.
Brave?
Well, the Americana
Line is adequate.
But it doesn't offer any
protection against moisture
or the unwanted
invasion of natural pests.
Are you sayin' that this "George
Washington" is a leaky bucket?
Well, I certainly wouldn't
put my mother in it.
Where would you put her?
Oh, the top of the line..
The "Royal Repose."
Solid bronze.
Oh.
Yes, they have an exclusive,
patented, pneumatic seal
guaranteed pest-proof..
Forever.
- I'll take it!
- Excellent choice.
Give us a minute, Thelma
you don't know what the price is!
What's the difference?
I'm not gonna be buried
with a can of raid in my hand.
Before you go tryin'
on cardboard shoes
I think we better get
him to tell us the cost.
Well, because Mrs. Harper
reminds me of my own dear mother
I'm going to make
her a special deal.
- Well, bless your heart.
- Get to the bottom line.
$16,000.
S-s-s..
Mrs. Harper, are you alright?
I think it's a touch more
than she's prepared to spend.
Well, we can always go
with the Americana Line.
There's no shame in
choosing second best.
Hell, no. I'm not gonna have
a plain-wrap funeral like Ludy.
My entire life I've
been second best.
Just this one time I
would like to fly first-class.
Well, there's no reason
why you shouldn't.
You can pay it out in
easy monthly installments
with a small down payment.
Say...$1,200?
Well, that's certainly
small enough.
Bradford, you got
yourself a deal.
I'll see to it that the check
is in the mail first thing
in the morning. Come on Iola.
Thelma, where are you
gonna find the money
to make those monthly payments?
I will scrimp, I will save
I'll cut corners, but
I'll tell you one thing.
I'm gonna have the
perfect funeral if it kills me.
Grandma, may I have
some more beans?
Sure thing, sweetie.
Well, mama, I wanted
some more, too!
Well, I'm sorry.
That's all there is.
What is with this skimpy
dinner, Ms. Harper?
You only served two
pork chops for four people.
Well, food is expensive.
We got to start cuttin' down.
Knock, knock and rah, rah!
Time we got to the Bowl-a-thon.
Yeah, if we leave now
we can grab a pizza
before the first frame.
Good idea! Come on, Ms. Harper!
- Uh, I'm not goin'.
- What?
But, grandma,
you're our star player!
Well, I'm afraid, my
bowling days are over.
I just can't afford it.
Oh, sure you can.
Nothin' is cheaper than bowling.
Oh, yeah? You taken a
look in the mirror lately?
I tell you, there is no end to
the hidden costs in bowlin'.
You got your shoe rental,
you got your hot dogs
your beer at a buck fifty a pop.
And that ball wax
is way out of sight.
Why did you pick the
night of the Bowl-a-thon
to start pinchin' pennies?
I think you better
tell them, Thelma.
Tell them what? They know
I ordered a funeral today.
But they don't know the price.
Hold it.
You didn't spend that
whole $1,200, did you?
Well, I wanted to put as
much money down as I could.
$1,200 is just the down payment?
How much is this
thing gonna cost?
Now, let's all just
remain calm here.
I'm gonna pay it off monthly.
Over how many months?
Two hundred and ninety six.
Two hundred and ni..
You mean we're gonna have to eat
beans and half a pork
chop for 296 months?
Well, now, there'll be plenty
of time to yell at Thelma
after the Bowl-a-thon.
Well, we can't go to
the Bowl-a-thon now.
We have to have four players.
Well, look on the bright side.
Think of the gas
money you're savin'.
Oh, no! You're
not gonna ruin our
chance to finally
beat the Huplanders!
Iola can take your place.
- I can?
- Certainly.
Any fool can throw a ball
down the middle of an alley.
You're perfect.
What the heck?
So long, Ms. Harper.
Enjoy your funeral.
Rest in peace, mama.
Well, you bet I will.
'Cause I won't
have to listen to you!
"Royal repose" is soundproof.
I tell you what, Thelma.
You're gonna have
the classiest send-off
Raytown has ever seen.
Well, what the..
Oh!
Will you look at this?
Well, this is a lovely funeral.
It's almost as nice as the one
I'm planning for myself.
I wonder whose it is.
Effie, was it a family
member who's gone?
She sure must
have put on weight.
That thing is big
enough for Shamu.
I say, Effie, who is dead?
What's with all the
flowers? I mean, what is it?
A casket or a float
at the Rose Parade?
The old biddy must
have lost her hearin'
along with her mind.
I'm dyin' to know
who's in there.
Oh, it's me.
My Lord, I'm dead!
But don't I look wonderful!
I love that silver-blue
rinse they put on my hair.
It looks like a halo.
And look at this turnout.
Hello, folks!
So glad y'all could make it.
And my family..
They're all devastated.
Well, this is wonderful.
Oh, Vinton, I can't
believe she went this way!
Oh, Naomi, I never
knew you cared.
She didn't do the dinner
dishes or clear the table!
Just think, if she'd only gone
with us to the Bowl-a-thon
she'd still be alive!
I would?
She never would
have touched that lamp.
I told her it was a killer.
Why didn't she listen to me?
Oh, she didn't listen to nobody.
She was too busy planning
this god-awful sideshow.
$16,000!
Yeah, and we have to pay it off!
I told her an oak
casket was fine
but no, she had to be bronzed.
Well, If that was up to
you I'd be flushed down
the toilet like a goldfish!
Thanks to grandma
I can't afford to go
to college anymore.
Yeah? Well, thanks to her
we can't afford
to have our baby!
Now, just a minute, is that
any way to talk, I am dead?
Let me tell you, dying
was too good for her.
That greedy, old battle-axe!
Aunt Effie's right.
Mama didn't think of us.
Why should we think of her?
Yeah, we should
just get out of here.
Oh, no, you don't!
This thing isn't over
until the fat lady's buried!
Hey, I know! Why
don't we all go bowling?
- What?
- Count me in.
Good idea. Thelma's
dead. She'll never know.
The hell she won't!
Come on, everybody!
The more, the merrier!
Wait a minute!
You haven't heard my eulogy yet.
And there's gonna
be a floor show, uh..
A children's choir and
Lolly Perdue is gonna play
"Rock of ages" on water glasses.
Come back!
Come back!
Come back! Come back!
We are back, mama.
We are back.
W-where am I?
What happened?
Gee, Ms. Harper, you
were out like a light.
Grandma, we got some great news!
We won the Bowl-a-thon!
- Yes!
- Ha ha ha!
Thanks to Iola. She
was a real powerhouse.
Oh, it was nothin'.
Probably due to liftin'
mother all these years.
Well, you beautiful,
wonderful people.
Let me take you to my bosom.
Oh!
Mama, it wasn't that big a deal.
The Huplanders had to forfeit.
Roselle got her arm stuck
in the ball-return machine.
It's no matter, my darlin's.
I'm so happy to be alive
and here with my
wonderful family.
Grandma, I can't breathe!
Just to show y'all
how much I love you
I'm gonna take you to the
Grand Canyon next weekend!
- Oh!
- Really? Do you mean it?
Well, Thelma, what
about your funeral?
No, I'm callin' it off, I'm
gonna spend my money
on my wonderful, beloved family.
Besides, it's a hell of a
lot cheaper than dyin'.
In, two, three, four. - Oh!
Out, two, three, four.
- In, two, three, four.
- Oh!
Out, two, three, four.
In, two, three, four.
Out, two, three, four.
And down, two, three, four.
Honestly, you guys,
we can lift those balls
until we're blue in the face.
We're never gonna win
that family bowl-a-thon.
Oh, come on, Aunt Naomi just
'cause the Huplanders won the
last eight years in a row
doesn't mean they're unbeatable.
Yeah. We got within
50 pins of 'em last year.
Ow.
Right now, grandma's
at the top of her form.
Yesterday she made a 7-10 split.
Yeah, well, let's just hope that
goin' to cousin Ludy's funeral
doesn't put her off her game.
Don't worry, Skeeter.
Mama will bowl like a pro.
She's always real up
after a family funeral.
Why is that?
Because they're
dead and she's not.
Trust me, she's gonna
come back from that service
on top of the world.
Well, I hope you all
are proud of yourselves
you slime buckets.
Uh, how was the funeral, mama?
Well, it was a real
fiasco from the word "Go."
Not one single
mourner showed up.
But I thought you
went with Aunt Effie.
Oh, my Lord, Effie.
Well, sweetheart,
come on in here.
I didn't mean to slam
that door in your face.
It was just for effect.
Five more minutes and I
would have gone home.
Sit right there, sweetie. Here
have some tea and some popcorn.
Hey, that's my tea.
You don't deserve any tea.
Where the hell were
you deadbeats, anyway?
I told you Ludy's
funeral was at 1 o'clock.
Well, we just didn't
feel up to it, Ms. Harper.
Funerals are very depressing.
Well, of course they are
depressing, what do you expect
with a dead body in
the room, a hoedown?
Jeez! Oh, grandma, I never
even knew cousin Ludy.
Yeah, and I never liked her.
Jeez! Oh, me.
We're not talkin' about somebody
you know or somebody you like.
We're talkin' about family.
It's your duty to show up and
grieve. Isn't that right, Effie?
There's lipstick on this glass.
- Oh, who asked you?
- Come on, grandma.
You'll feel a lot better once
we get down to Ray Lanes.
- Ray Lanes?
- Yeah.
We reserved a lane
for the whole afternoon
so that we could practice
for the bowl-a-thon.
Yeah, lucky number
seven, your favorite
right next to the snack
bar and the shoe sterilizer.
I can hardly believe my ears.
Have I actually raised a family
that is more concerned
about bowlin' than they are
preservin' the memory
of a beloved relative?
I am just sorry that Effie
has to sit here and hear this.
It's alright, sweetie. You
just pay them no mind.
It's not them. I got a popcorn
kernel stuck in my throat.
Effie, pipe down,
here, have some tea.
Come on, mama. It's
not that we don't care.
It's just that they only hold
the lane for five minutes.
Yeah, Ms. Harper.
Couldn't we bowl
while we grieve?
We could dedicate the
first frame to cousin Tootie.
It's cousin Ludy.
Tootie was on
"The Facts of Life."
Now, get out of here,
all of you. Go on, get!
Lord, do you
believe those three?
Oh, what's the difference?
That funeral was a
real penny-ante affair..
Not a single flower.
I know, and what
about that casket?
Lord, I've seen sturdier
boxes for takeout chicken.
I hope I don't go that way.
Oh, you've got nothin'
to worry about, Thelma.
Ludy was alone.
You got a family to give
you a wonderful funeral.
My family?
Probably sanitize my shoes
and lay me out on lane seven.
I tell you what, if I want
to have a nice funeral
I'm gonna have to plan
the darn thing myself.
Let's see, first of all I
want flowers, lots of flowers
and music... maybe
a choir or two.
Iola, I'm gettin' a
nosebleed up here.
You want to get with it?
I need more light.
Oh! Thelma, this
lamp has a short.
Well, just give it a
jiggle. It'll come back on.
Oh, no. I'm not touchin' it.
Faulty wiring is responsible
for 37% of all household injuries.
Well, thank you, Reddy Kilowatt.
Down off of this thing,
for cryin' out loud.
There... now is
there anything else
before I climb back
up on the Matterhorn?
- That ought to do it.
- Fine.
Mama.
It's 12:35.
You like my new cuckoo clock?
What Vinton means, Ms.
Harper is that it is time for lunch.
Great, what are you fixin'?
Oh, quit kiddin', mama.
We need somethin'
home-cooked to stick to our ribs
for that bowl-a-thon tonight.
Hey, grandma!
When is lunch?
What is this, feedin'
time at the zoo?
I will get you your lunch as
soon as I am finished here.
What are you doin'
up there, anyhow?
I'm thinkin' of becomin'
a go-go dancer.
I think you're gonna have to
make that dress a lot shorter.
I'm just kiddin', you moron.
Come here, as long as my
family is all gathered together
I guess I might as
well tell you now.
I'm gonna be
buried in this dress.
- What?
- Ms. Harper.
- What are you saying?
- Oh, don't go, mama, don't go.
Let go of me, you big
goon. I ain't goin' anywhere.
I am just takin' care of my
funeral arrangements now
so that you will not
have the burden later.
Here, here's a list of
the things you have to do.
Iola, I'm puttin' you in charge
of the food for the wake.
Oh, Thelma, I'm touched.
I will leave the menu completely
up to you. Money is no object.
Just don't make that god-awful
pineapple-marshmallow salad
of yours.
Bubba, there's a list
of my favorite flowers.
I would like one
arrangement of each.
But please, none of
those tacky horseshoes.
- I want to go out in style.
- Yes, ma'am.
Naomi, see that this obituary
gets printed in the
paper, verbatim.
Okay, except Ms. Harper,
you don't wear a size 4 dress.
Just shut up and print it!
And, Vinton, here is a
list of all the dignitaries
I would like to be
my pallbearers.
Mama, there are
only six men here.
I think it's gonna
take at least ten.
Uh, those steps outside
the church are real killers.
Trust me, Vinton, this
funeral's gonna be worth
gettin' a hernia over.
It sounds so extravagant.
How do you plan to pay for it all?
Well, I've... I've got about
1,200 bucks socked away.
You want to help me here?
Wait a minute, grandma.
- That's our Grand Canyon money.
- Yeah.
You said that we were gonna
finally get to go this summer.
Oh, who needs the Grand
Canyon? It's just a tourist trap.
But you promised I
could spit over the edge.
Fine, Vinton, you
can spit on my grave.
- Oh, Thelma.
- Well, what's the difference?
They both just
holes in the ground.
For the same price, I can
spend three days at the big one
or the rest of eternity
in the little one.
Now, I ask you,
which is a better deal?
Well, I vote for
the Grand Canyon.
- Oh, me too.
- Definitely the Grand Canyon.
Yeah, no question about it.
Well, it's my money, so
you are definitely outvoted.
It's goin' for my dream funeral.
But mama the Grand
Canyon's got donkey rides.
Big deal, if I
want to take a ride
I got a houseful of
jackasses right here.
Oh, Thelma, it's
so spooky in here.
I don't know why you
insisted I come along.
Don't be silly! You've
been by my side
for every major
appliance I've ever bought.
A casket is just like an icebox
except there's
no celery crisper.
Oh, let's go!
Welcome, ladies.
I'm Bradford Wellman.
How may I help you?
You can't help me at all.
This is the deceased.
Well, Iola, I ain't dead yet.
I'm Thelma Harper.
We spoke on the phone.
Of course, Mrs. Harper.
Please, won't you make
yourselves at home?
Well, we would
love to, wouldn't we?
Doesn't he have a
cozy, little place here?
You'll forgive us if we
don't kick our shoes off
and have a beer.
Well, Mrs. Harper I
have the impression
that you're a sensible
kind of woman
who would prefer a simple
ceremony without ostentation.
Hell, no. I want ostentation.
Give me a funeral somewhere
between Elvis and King Tut.
Just the kind of
customer we like
a woman with taste.
You know, the
hallmark of a fine funeral
is, of course, the casket.
He's absolutely right, you know.
That pine box of Ludy's
was a real downer.
Won't you take a
moment to browse through
our new fall line
of deluxe models?
Well, this is fancier than
the Neiman Marcus Catalog.
Probably more expensive.
Oh, look at this one,
with the lavender linin'.
Solid oak.
"Handcrafted in New England
for that touch of
colonial elegance."
Well, have you
ever in your life?
That thing's too pretty
to put in the ground.
I got to have it.
Ah, did you see
something that you like?
She's interested in the A-3.
The "George Washington
slept here" model.
An interesting choice.
You're very brave, Mrs. Harper.
Brave?
Well, the Americana
Line is adequate.
But it doesn't offer any
protection against moisture
or the unwanted
invasion of natural pests.
Are you sayin' that this "George
Washington" is a leaky bucket?
Well, I certainly wouldn't
put my mother in it.
Where would you put her?
Oh, the top of the line..
The "Royal Repose."
Solid bronze.
Oh.
Yes, they have an exclusive,
patented, pneumatic seal
guaranteed pest-proof..
Forever.
- I'll take it!
- Excellent choice.
Give us a minute, Thelma
you don't know what the price is!
What's the difference?
I'm not gonna be buried
with a can of raid in my hand.
Before you go tryin'
on cardboard shoes
I think we better get
him to tell us the cost.
Well, because Mrs. Harper
reminds me of my own dear mother
I'm going to make
her a special deal.
- Well, bless your heart.
- Get to the bottom line.
$16,000.
S-s-s..
Mrs. Harper, are you alright?
I think it's a touch more
than she's prepared to spend.
Well, we can always go
with the Americana Line.
There's no shame in
choosing second best.
Hell, no. I'm not gonna have
a plain-wrap funeral like Ludy.
My entire life I've
been second best.
Just this one time I
would like to fly first-class.
Well, there's no reason
why you shouldn't.
You can pay it out in
easy monthly installments
with a small down payment.
Say...$1,200?
Well, that's certainly
small enough.
Bradford, you got
yourself a deal.
I'll see to it that the check
is in the mail first thing
in the morning. Come on Iola.
Thelma, where are you
gonna find the money
to make those monthly payments?
I will scrimp, I will save
I'll cut corners, but
I'll tell you one thing.
I'm gonna have the
perfect funeral if it kills me.
Grandma, may I have
some more beans?
Sure thing, sweetie.
Well, mama, I wanted
some more, too!
Well, I'm sorry.
That's all there is.
What is with this skimpy
dinner, Ms. Harper?
You only served two
pork chops for four people.
Well, food is expensive.
We got to start cuttin' down.
Knock, knock and rah, rah!
Time we got to the Bowl-a-thon.
Yeah, if we leave now
we can grab a pizza
before the first frame.
Good idea! Come on, Ms. Harper!
- Uh, I'm not goin'.
- What?
But, grandma,
you're our star player!
Well, I'm afraid, my
bowling days are over.
I just can't afford it.
Oh, sure you can.
Nothin' is cheaper than bowling.
Oh, yeah? You taken a
look in the mirror lately?
I tell you, there is no end to
the hidden costs in bowlin'.
You got your shoe rental,
you got your hot dogs
your beer at a buck fifty a pop.
And that ball wax
is way out of sight.
Why did you pick the
night of the Bowl-a-thon
to start pinchin' pennies?
I think you better
tell them, Thelma.
Tell them what? They know
I ordered a funeral today.
But they don't know the price.
Hold it.
You didn't spend that
whole $1,200, did you?
Well, I wanted to put as
much money down as I could.
$1,200 is just the down payment?
How much is this
thing gonna cost?
Now, let's all just
remain calm here.
I'm gonna pay it off monthly.
Over how many months?
Two hundred and ninety six.
Two hundred and ni..
You mean we're gonna have to eat
beans and half a pork
chop for 296 months?
Well, now, there'll be plenty
of time to yell at Thelma
after the Bowl-a-thon.
Well, we can't go to
the Bowl-a-thon now.
We have to have four players.
Well, look on the bright side.
Think of the gas
money you're savin'.
Oh, no! You're
not gonna ruin our
chance to finally
beat the Huplanders!
Iola can take your place.
- I can?
- Certainly.
Any fool can throw a ball
down the middle of an alley.
You're perfect.
What the heck?
So long, Ms. Harper.
Enjoy your funeral.
Rest in peace, mama.
Well, you bet I will.
'Cause I won't
have to listen to you!
"Royal repose" is soundproof.
I tell you what, Thelma.
You're gonna have
the classiest send-off
Raytown has ever seen.
Well, what the..
Oh!
Will you look at this?
Well, this is a lovely funeral.
It's almost as nice as the one
I'm planning for myself.
I wonder whose it is.
Effie, was it a family
member who's gone?
She sure must
have put on weight.
That thing is big
enough for Shamu.
I say, Effie, who is dead?
What's with all the
flowers? I mean, what is it?
A casket or a float
at the Rose Parade?
The old biddy must
have lost her hearin'
along with her mind.
I'm dyin' to know
who's in there.
Oh, it's me.
My Lord, I'm dead!
But don't I look wonderful!
I love that silver-blue
rinse they put on my hair.
It looks like a halo.
And look at this turnout.
Hello, folks!
So glad y'all could make it.
And my family..
They're all devastated.
Well, this is wonderful.
Oh, Vinton, I can't
believe she went this way!
Oh, Naomi, I never
knew you cared.
She didn't do the dinner
dishes or clear the table!
Just think, if she'd only gone
with us to the Bowl-a-thon
she'd still be alive!
I would?
She never would
have touched that lamp.
I told her it was a killer.
Why didn't she listen to me?
Oh, she didn't listen to nobody.
She was too busy planning
this god-awful sideshow.
$16,000!
Yeah, and we have to pay it off!
I told her an oak
casket was fine
but no, she had to be bronzed.
Well, If that was up to
you I'd be flushed down
the toilet like a goldfish!
Thanks to grandma
I can't afford to go
to college anymore.
Yeah? Well, thanks to her
we can't afford
to have our baby!
Now, just a minute, is that
any way to talk, I am dead?
Let me tell you, dying
was too good for her.
That greedy, old battle-axe!
Aunt Effie's right.
Mama didn't think of us.
Why should we think of her?
Yeah, we should
just get out of here.
Oh, no, you don't!
This thing isn't over
until the fat lady's buried!
Hey, I know! Why
don't we all go bowling?
- What?
- Count me in.
Good idea. Thelma's
dead. She'll never know.
The hell she won't!
Come on, everybody!
The more, the merrier!
Wait a minute!
You haven't heard my eulogy yet.
And there's gonna
be a floor show, uh..
A children's choir and
Lolly Perdue is gonna play
"Rock of ages" on water glasses.
Come back!
Come back!
Come back! Come back!
We are back, mama.
We are back.
W-where am I?
What happened?
Gee, Ms. Harper, you
were out like a light.
Grandma, we got some great news!
We won the Bowl-a-thon!
- Yes!
- Ha ha ha!
Thanks to Iola. She
was a real powerhouse.
Oh, it was nothin'.
Probably due to liftin'
mother all these years.
Well, you beautiful,
wonderful people.
Let me take you to my bosom.
Oh!
Mama, it wasn't that big a deal.
The Huplanders had to forfeit.
Roselle got her arm stuck
in the ball-return machine.
It's no matter, my darlin's.
I'm so happy to be alive
and here with my
wonderful family.
Grandma, I can't breathe!
Just to show y'all
how much I love you
I'm gonna take you to the
Grand Canyon next weekend!
- Oh!
- Really? Do you mean it?
Well, Thelma, what
about your funeral?
No, I'm callin' it off, I'm
gonna spend my money
on my wonderful, beloved family.
Besides, it's a hell of a
lot cheaper than dyin'.