Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 10 - What a Dump - full transcript
It's Mama vs. City Hall when the town decides to turn her neighborhood into the new landfill.
Oh, my, everything
looks so good.
Oh, you really think so?
Does the table look okay?
- Is there enough food?
- Oh, now, Thelma, relax.
This is gonna be the
best block party ever.
Oh, I just wish mother
was up to comin'.
What's wrong with her this time?
Nothin', she just
hates all the neighbors.
Okay, Miss Harper, where
do you want the balloons?
Why don't you tie
those to your shoulders
and hope they'll
hold that dress up?
Just go put 'em on
the railing over there.
Vinton, get over here.
Grab one of those folding chairs
and put it over this
patch of crab grass
that you forgot to pull.
Mama, it looks okay.
Vinton, Mayor Tutweiler does
not give The Golden Troll award
for "okay” lawns.
It is for the most
beautiful yard in the city.
Well, what makes you
think the mayor's gonna give
The Golden Troll award to us?
Well, he said he's
comin' to the block party
to make a very
important announcement.
What else could it be?
Maybe somethin' important.
Go help the bimbo
with the balloons.
Hey! No, I'm sorry, Ralph.
But we are not
gonna touch this food
until the mayor gets here. No.
Uh, Iola, come on over
here, will you please?
Guard that end, will you?
I will not have this
pack of chowhounds
destroy my lovely buffet
before His Honor
has even seen it.
Get back off, you vultures!
Oh, hey, grandma.
How's the party goin'?
Oh, swell. Everybody
is havin' the best time.
Gee, nobody's touchin' the food.
Put those deviled eggs down!
Those are Mayor
Tutweiler's favorite.
Remember the church potluck?
That man ate every one
of Thelma's deviled eggs
and begged for more.
Well, grandma, I don't have
time to wait for the mayor.
I gotta get to the library.
Oh, Bubba, you're
not stayin' for the party?
No, I got a research paper due
on the founder of
Raytown, James A. Ray.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we know who he is.
You actually think
that old, dead coot
is more important
than my block party?
He is to my history professor.
Don't even think
about it, Ralph!
Hey, look, everybody!
It's Mayor Tutweiler!
Good! Let's eat!
Oh, Mr. Mayor, welcome
to my humble home.
Would you care
for a deviled egg?
No, thank you, Mrs. Harper
I got sick as a dog on
some at the church potluck.
I haven't been able to
look at another one since.
Yo, Ralph!
Eat up!
Howdy, your honor.
Hello, Vinton, Naomi.
My, Mrs. Harper, I
don't think I've ever seen
your yard look lovelier.
- Oh, you really think so?
- Mm-hm.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you have
a seat over there
by my peonies and Vinton
will get you a plate of food.
Oh, well, I'm afraid my schedule
doesn't permit me to stay.
In fact, if I may, I'd like to
begin my little announcement.
By all means.
Alright, you pigs!
Quit feedin' your faces!
Come on, come on. His Honor
has a very important announcement.
Thank you, Mrs.
Harper, thank you.
And all you lovely
residents of Ray Lane.
As mayor, I often attend
neighborhood gatherings
like this to make presentations
such as The Golden Troll award.
But such is not the case today.
Well, why the hell
did you bring it up?
Today, I bring to you people
an honor far more significant.
After careful consideration,
the city council..
Has designated this block..
As the newest municipal
collection facility!
Oh!
Imagine that! We're gonna
be a municipal collection facility.
What is that?
It sounds like a fancy
name for the city dump.
Right you are, right
you are, Mrs. Harper.
It was between your block
and the Swamp Bottom.
Congratulations, you won.
Ho ho ho!
We won, mama, we won!
Shut up, you moron!
You're not going to get
away with this, Tutweiler.
We will not let you come into
our neighborhood and destroy it.
- Will we?
- No!
We will not give up
our beautiful homes
for some damn dump, will we?
No way!
Well, for each
house on this block
the city will pay $30,000.
You cannot bribe
us with 30,000 bucks.
Can he?
Can he?
See, this is the place where
you all are supposed to say, "No!"
How can we say no, Miss Harper?
It's $30,000!
Right you are, my dear.
And the council has declared
the right of eminent domain.
Besides, $30,000 is far
above the market value
for these tired, old places.
Wait a minute, you mean
you can just come in here
and kick us out of our
homes, just like that?
Well, of course not. That
would be unconscionable.
No, you have 30 days
in which to vacate.
Mrs. Harper, I believe I will
try some of your delicious food.
You take one bite
and it'll be your last.
For 30 more days this
place still belongs to me.
Now you get off of
my property, you scum!
Good to see you
all. Have a nice day.
Bye, Mr. Mayor.
Well, Thelma, what
are we gonna do now?
Well, I say, party
while you can.
Before long, we're all
gonna be down in the dumps.
Yeah, but, Ralph, we've
only got one week left.
Well, I'm... I know, I'm just
trying to delay the demolition.
Well, well, I'm sorry for
interruptin' your breakfast
but don't you think that
savin' this neighborhood
is a little more important than
your Wheatena gettin' cold?
Hello?
I hope you burn your
tongue, you big, fat, tub of lard!
Uh, no luck with
your petition, mama?
What is wrong with
this neighborhood?
All they see are dollar signs,
dollar signs, dollar signs!
Yeah, 30,000 of 'em.
Oh, stop drooling. This house
is worth a lot more than money.
Have you given
any thought at all
to what's gonna happen
to you if it is torn down?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Have you?
I figure I'll move
into the dorm.
Oh, well, you've just
got all the answers
don't you, Mr. Hotshot
College Man?
Okay, I'm outta here.
Without breakfast?
Yeah, I gotta
finish up this paper
on the founder of Raytown.
The history books are
full of facts on his life
but I can't find one
word on how he died.
I'm gonna go check
out the morgue.
Uh, Bubba, I don't think
they keep the bodies
for more than a day or two.
No, Uncle Vint, I was talkin'
about the newspaper morgue
where they store
all the old clippings.
Oh, excuse me,
Mr. Hotshot College Man.
You better tell
Bubba to get in here
if he wants some breakfast.
I'm not a short-order cook.
He's already left for school.
Well, why didn't he tell me?
I could've made
him somethin' to go.
Listen to this ad.
"Lux 4-burr Eng Tude,
fripple W.W. Carp, 27k!"
Gee, Skeeter, whatever
it is, I'm not sure I want it.
Honey, this is real-estate
lingo, for our dream house!
It means, "a luxury
four-bedroom English Tudor
"with a fireplace and
wall-to-wall carpeting
for only $27,000!"
Wow!
Well, I say, stick
your "fripple"
where the sun don't shine!
We are not movin'!
Miss Harper, you have
got to face the facts.
The fact is, I will
not let Tutweiler
come in here and
destroy my house.
It's been here a lot
longer than he has
and it's in much better shape.
How old is this place, anyway?
Who knows?
When Carl and me moved
in, it was sittin' all by itself
on an old, deserted
Country Road.
It was so peaceful and
serene, Carl snapped it up.
He told me, it was
because it was so cheap.
It was cheap and serene!
I'm not about to let it go.
Mama, you've tried everything
you could to stop 'em.
That is not true. The Governor
has not answered my letter yet
about namin' this block
a historical monument.
Governor Speck is never
gonna believe that Ray Lane
was an ancient
Indian burial ground.
He will, too.
I sent him that arrowhead
I found in the backyard.
Mama, that was plastic..
Part of my old Tonto costume.
Well, fine, kemo-sabe!
I still got that environmental
angle up my sleeve.
Oh, yeah? What is that?
Well, you know, like, if I
could prove that this block
was the home to some
rare species of bizarre bird.
Knock, knock!
No, they'd never buy it.
Buy what? A new house?
I hear you can get a
lux 4-burr Eng Tude
for only 27k.
Good lord, Iola don't tell
me you've turned traitor, too!
Well, Thelma, like it or not
We have to vacate
by the end of the week.
The sooner you accept
it, the easier it'll be.
Yeah, mama, you got
to start lookin' at this
as a change for the better.
Vinton, a cure for psoriasis
would be a change
for the better.
Non-fat pork sausage would
be a change for the better.
Turnin' my showplace into a
dump is not a change for the better!
Oh, I know somebody who
could use some cheerin' up.
What say you and I can
dressed, go downtown
and rent our U-hauls
before the rush?
What say you haul your
butt out of my kitchen!
I don't care what the
rest of you quitters do.
I ain't packin' so
much as a toothpick.
Knock, knock!
Thelma, did you..
Well, what in the
world are you doin'?
The limbo Iola.
I'll not let those bozos
tear down a dirty house.
I moved in here clean,
I will leave it clean.
Excuse me.
Well, I guess
this is everything.
Mama, what in the
world are you doin'?
What is with you people?
This is a mop. This is water.
That is a floor.
I am moppin' the damn floor!
Come on, mama, come on.
You got to let go.
We'll be just fine
at Aunt Effie's
until we find a
place of our own.
Yeah, Miss Harper,
come on outside.
They're gettin' ready for
the groundbreakin' ceremony.
Groundbreakin', my foot.
- Heartbreakin' is more like it.
- Come on, Thelma.
It'll do you good to get
out of this gloomy room.
Gloomy?
Some of the best
times of our lives
have been spent
right here in this room.
How could you forget
all the dinners we've had?
All the games we've played?
All the beers I've drunk?
Come to think of it, honey.
You and I were
married in this room.
I'm talkin' about
the good times.
You know, with all
the furniture gone
it kind of reminds
me of the year
me and daddy chopped
down the Christmas tree.
Oh, that beautiful
silver spruce.
That thing was so big
we could barely get it
through the front door.
We had to push all
the furniture back.
We set it right here in
the middle of the room.
Yeah, nearly a 12-footer,
scraped the ceiling.
Look, the spot's still there.
And I always thought
that was water damage.
I remember that Christmas
like it was yesterday.
You invited all of
us Boylens over
for a tree-trimmin' party.
Yeah, it was a magical night.
The eggnog flowed like water.
Yeah, that's probably
why daddy fell
when he was tryin'
to put the star on top.
Was he hurt?
No, no. Luckily, Miss
Boylen broke his fall.
I'll tell you what, we
laughed till we cried.
As I recall, you
did the laughin'
mother did the cryin'.
Then all us kids started
cryin' when the fire broke out.
What fire?
Well, see Eunice wanted an
old-fashioned Christmas tree
you know, with the real candles.
Her little heart was
in the right place.
Unfortunately, her
little candles weren't.
Tree went up like
the towerin' inferno.
Oh, don't look that way, do
you, 'cause you were a kid.
I grabbed that bowl of eggnog
and I put that sucker
out in two seconds flat.
Yeah, and ruined all
our Christmas presents.
Imagine wakin' up
to warped Lincoln logs
that smelled like Jack Daniels.
Honey, that sounds
absolutely horrible.
It was the worst
Christmas I ever spent.
Well, I would like
to thank you all
for this lovely stroll
down memory lane.
- Now get out, all of you!
- Oh, no, mama...
Go on, get out and
just leave me be!
Just leave me to
my fond memories.
The last thing I wanna
hear now is the truth!
Oh, that may be the last time
I'll ever get to slam
that door on anyone.
Grandma, I got some
great news! Guess what?
Mayor Tutweiler got
run over by a bulldozer?
Oh, I uncovered the mystery
of James A. Ray's death!
Well, Bubba, you'll forgive me
if I don't light a Roman candle.
Now, see it wasn't
in any of the papers
'cause it was a big scandal
but I found the police report
at the hall of
records and get this
James A. Ray died
in a house of ill repute!
Well, at least he went
with a smile on his face.
And I think it was a
pretty famous house, too.
Ma Bodine's, number
one, Old Decatur Road.
Fine, Bubba. I'm not
interested in some old cathouse
where that old geezer..
Did you just say
"Old Decatur Road?"
Yeah. Number one.
Bubba, you are an angel!
Where is your copy
of that police report?
Well, I don't have it. I-It's
in my locker at school.
Well, hurry up! You
gotta get down there
and bring it back
to me right away!
- But, grandma...
- No time for buts, Bubba.
You gotta get that back to
me as quick as you can. Hurry!
Now, all I got to do is figure
out where I packed that deed
and we are home free.
Look out, lady, look out.
Okay, Dave, let her on down.
Uh, see, I don't suppose
I could talk you boys
into takin' a little break,
say, for an hour or two?
Are you kiddin'?
In two hours, we're gonna
have this whole place leveled.
Uh-oh.
Looks like the ball's
in my court now.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is a historic moment
in the life of our
fair community.
Thanks to your
gallant sacrifices
Raytown will now be known
as "the double dump city."
Honey, where's your mama?
I don't know.
I guess she just
couldn't bear to watch.
And now I shall release the
ball and let the wrecking begin.
What is all of this?
Oh no! Please, Mrs. Harper,
come away from your house.
We're about to
start the demolition.
Oh, was that today?
I think that must
have slipped my mind!
Poor dear, the strain's
been too much for her.
Oh, Mayor Tutweiler, would
you mind holding your ball
for just a minute while I
say goodbye to my house?
Why, certainly. Certainly, you
go right ahead, Mrs. Harper.
Thank you, kind sir.
Goodbye, house.
Goodbye, door.
Goodbye, doorknob!
Fine... fine, Mrs. Harper...
Goodbye, windows.
Goodbye, porch railing.
Goodbye, squeaky step.
Do something!
Your mama's crackin' up.
Farewell, azaleas.
Adios, peonies.
- Mrs. Harper...
- I ain't finished yet!
Goodbye, crab grass.
Nice knowin' you, Mr. Earthworm.
Oh, dirt.
Oh! Ants!
Fly away home, little ladybug!
Fly away if you can
find a home to fly to.
- Come on, mama.
- Leave me alone, Vinton.
I haven't said a
word yet to the hose!
I'm sorry, but we
must proceed now.
Now I shall release the ball
and let the wrecking begin.
No! I won't let you destroy
my home! You can't!
Mrs. Harper, move!
Oh, no!
I'm comin' through!
- Hit the dirt!
- Take this, you home wrecker!
Thelma, you'll kill yourself!
If my house goes, I go!
Somebody stop that woman!
Move it or lose it!
Oh!
Whoa!
Grandma, I got
the police report!
What are you doin'?
Well, I sure as hell ain't
hatchin' an egg up here!
Get me down!
Oh!
Mama, what are you doin'?
You could've killed yourself!
Oh, shame, Mrs. Harper, shame.
Your cheap theatrics
cannot stop progress.
No, but this can.
This is the police report on
the death of James A. Ray
the founder of
our wonderful city.
Oh, yes right and just
where exactly do you think it is
that Mr. Ray drew his
last historical breath?
- Where?
- Right there in my house!
You mean this was Ma Bodine's!
- You know, she was a...
- A wonderful old lady.
Loved by one and all.
Let me see this
now, wait a minute
Ma Bodien's address was
number one, Old Decatur Road.
That's right. Take a look
at the deed to my house.
Number one, Old Decatur Road.
Well, Mrs. Harper, I
guess I have no choice
but to declare your home a
Raytown historical landmark.
Looks like we'll have to
find another dump site.
We won!
We won!
Says who? I want my money!
And the worst part is..
We're still stuck with
her as a neighbor.
Waddle on back to your own
side of the street, you porker!
How do you like that?
I ride on a wreckin' ball
to save their tacky houses,
and that's the thanks I get.
Well, Thelma, you did
cost everybody $30,000.
Yeah, there goes our
four-bedroom dream home!
And now we're stuck
livin' in a brothel.
Oh, mama, what
have you done to us?
Well, for cryin' out loud
What is the big deal here?
You know something?
There isn't all that
much difference
between my house
and Ma Bodine's.
They're both full of
the lowlife of Raytown.
looks so good.
Oh, you really think so?
Does the table look okay?
- Is there enough food?
- Oh, now, Thelma, relax.
This is gonna be the
best block party ever.
Oh, I just wish mother
was up to comin'.
What's wrong with her this time?
Nothin', she just
hates all the neighbors.
Okay, Miss Harper, where
do you want the balloons?
Why don't you tie
those to your shoulders
and hope they'll
hold that dress up?
Just go put 'em on
the railing over there.
Vinton, get over here.
Grab one of those folding chairs
and put it over this
patch of crab grass
that you forgot to pull.
Mama, it looks okay.
Vinton, Mayor Tutweiler does
not give The Golden Troll award
for "okay” lawns.
It is for the most
beautiful yard in the city.
Well, what makes you
think the mayor's gonna give
The Golden Troll award to us?
Well, he said he's
comin' to the block party
to make a very
important announcement.
What else could it be?
Maybe somethin' important.
Go help the bimbo
with the balloons.
Hey! No, I'm sorry, Ralph.
But we are not
gonna touch this food
until the mayor gets here. No.
Uh, Iola, come on over
here, will you please?
Guard that end, will you?
I will not have this
pack of chowhounds
destroy my lovely buffet
before His Honor
has even seen it.
Get back off, you vultures!
Oh, hey, grandma.
How's the party goin'?
Oh, swell. Everybody
is havin' the best time.
Gee, nobody's touchin' the food.
Put those deviled eggs down!
Those are Mayor
Tutweiler's favorite.
Remember the church potluck?
That man ate every one
of Thelma's deviled eggs
and begged for more.
Well, grandma, I don't have
time to wait for the mayor.
I gotta get to the library.
Oh, Bubba, you're
not stayin' for the party?
No, I got a research paper due
on the founder of
Raytown, James A. Ray.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we know who he is.
You actually think
that old, dead coot
is more important
than my block party?
He is to my history professor.
Don't even think
about it, Ralph!
Hey, look, everybody!
It's Mayor Tutweiler!
Good! Let's eat!
Oh, Mr. Mayor, welcome
to my humble home.
Would you care
for a deviled egg?
No, thank you, Mrs. Harper
I got sick as a dog on
some at the church potluck.
I haven't been able to
look at another one since.
Yo, Ralph!
Eat up!
Howdy, your honor.
Hello, Vinton, Naomi.
My, Mrs. Harper, I
don't think I've ever seen
your yard look lovelier.
- Oh, you really think so?
- Mm-hm.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you have
a seat over there
by my peonies and Vinton
will get you a plate of food.
Oh, well, I'm afraid my schedule
doesn't permit me to stay.
In fact, if I may, I'd like to
begin my little announcement.
By all means.
Alright, you pigs!
Quit feedin' your faces!
Come on, come on. His Honor
has a very important announcement.
Thank you, Mrs.
Harper, thank you.
And all you lovely
residents of Ray Lane.
As mayor, I often attend
neighborhood gatherings
like this to make presentations
such as The Golden Troll award.
But such is not the case today.
Well, why the hell
did you bring it up?
Today, I bring to you people
an honor far more significant.
After careful consideration,
the city council..
Has designated this block..
As the newest municipal
collection facility!
Oh!
Imagine that! We're gonna
be a municipal collection facility.
What is that?
It sounds like a fancy
name for the city dump.
Right you are, right
you are, Mrs. Harper.
It was between your block
and the Swamp Bottom.
Congratulations, you won.
Ho ho ho!
We won, mama, we won!
Shut up, you moron!
You're not going to get
away with this, Tutweiler.
We will not let you come into
our neighborhood and destroy it.
- Will we?
- No!
We will not give up
our beautiful homes
for some damn dump, will we?
No way!
Well, for each
house on this block
the city will pay $30,000.
You cannot bribe
us with 30,000 bucks.
Can he?
Can he?
See, this is the place where
you all are supposed to say, "No!"
How can we say no, Miss Harper?
It's $30,000!
Right you are, my dear.
And the council has declared
the right of eminent domain.
Besides, $30,000 is far
above the market value
for these tired, old places.
Wait a minute, you mean
you can just come in here
and kick us out of our
homes, just like that?
Well, of course not. That
would be unconscionable.
No, you have 30 days
in which to vacate.
Mrs. Harper, I believe I will
try some of your delicious food.
You take one bite
and it'll be your last.
For 30 more days this
place still belongs to me.
Now you get off of
my property, you scum!
Good to see you
all. Have a nice day.
Bye, Mr. Mayor.
Well, Thelma, what
are we gonna do now?
Well, I say, party
while you can.
Before long, we're all
gonna be down in the dumps.
Yeah, but, Ralph, we've
only got one week left.
Well, I'm... I know, I'm just
trying to delay the demolition.
Well, well, I'm sorry for
interruptin' your breakfast
but don't you think that
savin' this neighborhood
is a little more important than
your Wheatena gettin' cold?
Hello?
I hope you burn your
tongue, you big, fat, tub of lard!
Uh, no luck with
your petition, mama?
What is wrong with
this neighborhood?
All they see are dollar signs,
dollar signs, dollar signs!
Yeah, 30,000 of 'em.
Oh, stop drooling. This house
is worth a lot more than money.
Have you given
any thought at all
to what's gonna happen
to you if it is torn down?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Have you?
I figure I'll move
into the dorm.
Oh, well, you've just
got all the answers
don't you, Mr. Hotshot
College Man?
Okay, I'm outta here.
Without breakfast?
Yeah, I gotta
finish up this paper
on the founder of Raytown.
The history books are
full of facts on his life
but I can't find one
word on how he died.
I'm gonna go check
out the morgue.
Uh, Bubba, I don't think
they keep the bodies
for more than a day or two.
No, Uncle Vint, I was talkin'
about the newspaper morgue
where they store
all the old clippings.
Oh, excuse me,
Mr. Hotshot College Man.
You better tell
Bubba to get in here
if he wants some breakfast.
I'm not a short-order cook.
He's already left for school.
Well, why didn't he tell me?
I could've made
him somethin' to go.
Listen to this ad.
"Lux 4-burr Eng Tude,
fripple W.W. Carp, 27k!"
Gee, Skeeter, whatever
it is, I'm not sure I want it.
Honey, this is real-estate
lingo, for our dream house!
It means, "a luxury
four-bedroom English Tudor
"with a fireplace and
wall-to-wall carpeting
for only $27,000!"
Wow!
Well, I say, stick
your "fripple"
where the sun don't shine!
We are not movin'!
Miss Harper, you have
got to face the facts.
The fact is, I will
not let Tutweiler
come in here and
destroy my house.
It's been here a lot
longer than he has
and it's in much better shape.
How old is this place, anyway?
Who knows?
When Carl and me moved
in, it was sittin' all by itself
on an old, deserted
Country Road.
It was so peaceful and
serene, Carl snapped it up.
He told me, it was
because it was so cheap.
It was cheap and serene!
I'm not about to let it go.
Mama, you've tried everything
you could to stop 'em.
That is not true. The Governor
has not answered my letter yet
about namin' this block
a historical monument.
Governor Speck is never
gonna believe that Ray Lane
was an ancient
Indian burial ground.
He will, too.
I sent him that arrowhead
I found in the backyard.
Mama, that was plastic..
Part of my old Tonto costume.
Well, fine, kemo-sabe!
I still got that environmental
angle up my sleeve.
Oh, yeah? What is that?
Well, you know, like, if I
could prove that this block
was the home to some
rare species of bizarre bird.
Knock, knock!
No, they'd never buy it.
Buy what? A new house?
I hear you can get a
lux 4-burr Eng Tude
for only 27k.
Good lord, Iola don't tell
me you've turned traitor, too!
Well, Thelma, like it or not
We have to vacate
by the end of the week.
The sooner you accept
it, the easier it'll be.
Yeah, mama, you got
to start lookin' at this
as a change for the better.
Vinton, a cure for psoriasis
would be a change
for the better.
Non-fat pork sausage would
be a change for the better.
Turnin' my showplace into a
dump is not a change for the better!
Oh, I know somebody who
could use some cheerin' up.
What say you and I can
dressed, go downtown
and rent our U-hauls
before the rush?
What say you haul your
butt out of my kitchen!
I don't care what the
rest of you quitters do.
I ain't packin' so
much as a toothpick.
Knock, knock!
Thelma, did you..
Well, what in the
world are you doin'?
The limbo Iola.
I'll not let those bozos
tear down a dirty house.
I moved in here clean,
I will leave it clean.
Excuse me.
Well, I guess
this is everything.
Mama, what in the
world are you doin'?
What is with you people?
This is a mop. This is water.
That is a floor.
I am moppin' the damn floor!
Come on, mama, come on.
You got to let go.
We'll be just fine
at Aunt Effie's
until we find a
place of our own.
Yeah, Miss Harper,
come on outside.
They're gettin' ready for
the groundbreakin' ceremony.
Groundbreakin', my foot.
- Heartbreakin' is more like it.
- Come on, Thelma.
It'll do you good to get
out of this gloomy room.
Gloomy?
Some of the best
times of our lives
have been spent
right here in this room.
How could you forget
all the dinners we've had?
All the games we've played?
All the beers I've drunk?
Come to think of it, honey.
You and I were
married in this room.
I'm talkin' about
the good times.
You know, with all
the furniture gone
it kind of reminds
me of the year
me and daddy chopped
down the Christmas tree.
Oh, that beautiful
silver spruce.
That thing was so big
we could barely get it
through the front door.
We had to push all
the furniture back.
We set it right here in
the middle of the room.
Yeah, nearly a 12-footer,
scraped the ceiling.
Look, the spot's still there.
And I always thought
that was water damage.
I remember that Christmas
like it was yesterday.
You invited all of
us Boylens over
for a tree-trimmin' party.
Yeah, it was a magical night.
The eggnog flowed like water.
Yeah, that's probably
why daddy fell
when he was tryin'
to put the star on top.
Was he hurt?
No, no. Luckily, Miss
Boylen broke his fall.
I'll tell you what, we
laughed till we cried.
As I recall, you
did the laughin'
mother did the cryin'.
Then all us kids started
cryin' when the fire broke out.
What fire?
Well, see Eunice wanted an
old-fashioned Christmas tree
you know, with the real candles.
Her little heart was
in the right place.
Unfortunately, her
little candles weren't.
Tree went up like
the towerin' inferno.
Oh, don't look that way, do
you, 'cause you were a kid.
I grabbed that bowl of eggnog
and I put that sucker
out in two seconds flat.
Yeah, and ruined all
our Christmas presents.
Imagine wakin' up
to warped Lincoln logs
that smelled like Jack Daniels.
Honey, that sounds
absolutely horrible.
It was the worst
Christmas I ever spent.
Well, I would like
to thank you all
for this lovely stroll
down memory lane.
- Now get out, all of you!
- Oh, no, mama...
Go on, get out and
just leave me be!
Just leave me to
my fond memories.
The last thing I wanna
hear now is the truth!
Oh, that may be the last time
I'll ever get to slam
that door on anyone.
Grandma, I got some
great news! Guess what?
Mayor Tutweiler got
run over by a bulldozer?
Oh, I uncovered the mystery
of James A. Ray's death!
Well, Bubba, you'll forgive me
if I don't light a Roman candle.
Now, see it wasn't
in any of the papers
'cause it was a big scandal
but I found the police report
at the hall of
records and get this
James A. Ray died
in a house of ill repute!
Well, at least he went
with a smile on his face.
And I think it was a
pretty famous house, too.
Ma Bodine's, number
one, Old Decatur Road.
Fine, Bubba. I'm not
interested in some old cathouse
where that old geezer..
Did you just say
"Old Decatur Road?"
Yeah. Number one.
Bubba, you are an angel!
Where is your copy
of that police report?
Well, I don't have it. I-It's
in my locker at school.
Well, hurry up! You
gotta get down there
and bring it back
to me right away!
- But, grandma...
- No time for buts, Bubba.
You gotta get that back to
me as quick as you can. Hurry!
Now, all I got to do is figure
out where I packed that deed
and we are home free.
Look out, lady, look out.
Okay, Dave, let her on down.
Uh, see, I don't suppose
I could talk you boys
into takin' a little break,
say, for an hour or two?
Are you kiddin'?
In two hours, we're gonna
have this whole place leveled.
Uh-oh.
Looks like the ball's
in my court now.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is a historic moment
in the life of our
fair community.
Thanks to your
gallant sacrifices
Raytown will now be known
as "the double dump city."
Honey, where's your mama?
I don't know.
I guess she just
couldn't bear to watch.
And now I shall release the
ball and let the wrecking begin.
What is all of this?
Oh no! Please, Mrs. Harper,
come away from your house.
We're about to
start the demolition.
Oh, was that today?
I think that must
have slipped my mind!
Poor dear, the strain's
been too much for her.
Oh, Mayor Tutweiler, would
you mind holding your ball
for just a minute while I
say goodbye to my house?
Why, certainly. Certainly, you
go right ahead, Mrs. Harper.
Thank you, kind sir.
Goodbye, house.
Goodbye, door.
Goodbye, doorknob!
Fine... fine, Mrs. Harper...
Goodbye, windows.
Goodbye, porch railing.
Goodbye, squeaky step.
Do something!
Your mama's crackin' up.
Farewell, azaleas.
Adios, peonies.
- Mrs. Harper...
- I ain't finished yet!
Goodbye, crab grass.
Nice knowin' you, Mr. Earthworm.
Oh, dirt.
Oh! Ants!
Fly away home, little ladybug!
Fly away if you can
find a home to fly to.
- Come on, mama.
- Leave me alone, Vinton.
I haven't said a
word yet to the hose!
I'm sorry, but we
must proceed now.
Now I shall release the ball
and let the wrecking begin.
No! I won't let you destroy
my home! You can't!
Mrs. Harper, move!
Oh, no!
I'm comin' through!
- Hit the dirt!
- Take this, you home wrecker!
Thelma, you'll kill yourself!
If my house goes, I go!
Somebody stop that woman!
Move it or lose it!
Oh!
Whoa!
Grandma, I got
the police report!
What are you doin'?
Well, I sure as hell ain't
hatchin' an egg up here!
Get me down!
Oh!
Mama, what are you doin'?
You could've killed yourself!
Oh, shame, Mrs. Harper, shame.
Your cheap theatrics
cannot stop progress.
No, but this can.
This is the police report on
the death of James A. Ray
the founder of
our wonderful city.
Oh, yes right and just
where exactly do you think it is
that Mr. Ray drew his
last historical breath?
- Where?
- Right there in my house!
You mean this was Ma Bodine's!
- You know, she was a...
- A wonderful old lady.
Loved by one and all.
Let me see this
now, wait a minute
Ma Bodien's address was
number one, Old Decatur Road.
That's right. Take a look
at the deed to my house.
Number one, Old Decatur Road.
Well, Mrs. Harper, I
guess I have no choice
but to declare your home a
Raytown historical landmark.
Looks like we'll have to
find another dump site.
We won!
We won!
Says who? I want my money!
And the worst part is..
We're still stuck with
her as a neighbor.
Waddle on back to your own
side of the street, you porker!
How do you like that?
I ride on a wreckin' ball
to save their tacky houses,
and that's the thanks I get.
Well, Thelma, you did
cost everybody $30,000.
Yeah, there goes our
four-bedroom dream home!
And now we're stuck
livin' in a brothel.
Oh, mama, what
have you done to us?
Well, for cryin' out loud
What is the big deal here?
You know something?
There isn't all that
much difference
between my house
and Ma Bodine's.
They're both full of
the lowlife of Raytown.