Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 4, Episode 9 - Mama Mania - full transcript

A female TV wrestler turns out to be one of Naomi's old schoolmates, and ends up needing her help (and Mama's) in her upcoming match.

Vinton, pass me a little more
of that macaroni and cheese.

Dinner was just
delicious, Thelma.

Thank you so
much for invitin' me.

As I recall, Iola,
you invited yourself.

Now, hush, Naomi.

If Iola didn't invite herself
places, she'd never go anywhere.

- Thank you, Thelma.
- Oh!

Oh, shoot. It's after 6
o'clock. Eat up, Uncle Vint.

Warm up the TV, Bubba.
I'm right behind you.

TV? We're in the
middle of a meal here.

Not me, mama. I'm done.



Well, shoot, we
missed the beginning.

I'd like to know what
is more important

than second helpings of
my macaroni and cheese.

Uh, grandma, it's the
Tri-State Wrestlin' semi-finals.

Good Lord. Wrestlin'.

Yeah, and this is the big time.
They even preempted the news.

I have never understood
what anyone sees in wrestlin'.

Me either, it's just a bunch
of pumped-up, sweaty men

rollin' around the
floor, wearin' nothin'

but them skimpy, little shorts.

Well, where do you
two think you're goin'?

We haven't even made a
dent in this macaroni yet.

Oh, my word.

Those pumped-up,
sweaty men are women.



They certainly are.

Vinton, did you
leave dinner with me

to watch ladies' wrestling?

Yeah, isn't it great?

Well, that is nothin' but a
glorified hootchy-kootchy show.

Even Gypsy Rose Lee
didn't show that much.

I'm turnin' this
filth off right now.

Mama, you can't turn it off.

This is the most important
tag team match of the year.

Yeah, the Queen Bees are
takin' on the Siberian Huskies.

Yeah. I don't like those
huskies. They're real mean.

You'd be mean too if you
had to squeeze your fat neck

into that dog collar.

Ooh, look, Skeeter.

Honeybee is doin'
her flyin' stinger.

Wait a minute.

I know that bee.

That is Didi Mason.

We were cheerleaders
in high school together.

That couldn't be. She looks
much younger than you.

Everybody looks
younger in a bee suit.

I swear, that is Didi.

You don't forget somebody
who stood on your shoulders.

Come on, Didi. Mush that husky.

Oh, I can't look.

Ooh! She said uncalled.
The Queen Bees win.

Way to go, Didi.

Well, what is so great
about a couple of chubettes

gettin' beaten up by
a pair of cheap tarts?

The winner!

Be sure and watch the Tri-State
Championship this Saturday night

when the Queen Bees
take on the Masked Mabels

live from Raytown at the
world-famous Ray Arena.

Oh, for pity's sakes.

I thought Effel,
the fire marshal

condemned that
hellhole years ago.

Did you hear that, honey?

- Didi's comin' to town.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna call her mother
and find out where she's stayin'.

Miss Harper, is it okay
if I invite Didi to dinner?

You wanna have that wrestlin'
floozy here, in our home?

Please, mama?

- Please?
- Oh, well.

I guess we could just have
leftover macaroni and cheese.

How much can a bee eat?

Bubba, please.

Just eat the peanuts.

Leave the Brazil nuts for Didi.

Skeeter, she's 45 minutes late.

- Do you think she stood us up?
- Certainly not.

Big stars can't get
anywhere on time.

That way, they can
make a splashy entrance.

Well, she's makin'
a bellyflop tonight

'cause we're eatin' without her.

We are not, Miss Harper.

That is no way
to treat a celebrity.

Naomi, just because she can
squeeze that big chest of hers

into that little, bitty bee suit
does not make her a celebrity.

Does to me.

I'm tellin' you,
we're eatin' now.

This macaroni won't
stand up to another reheat.

That's her. She's
here. I'll get it.

- Knock, knock.
- Oh, it’s just Iola.

Hi, all, I hope I'm not
interruptin' your dinner

or any celebrity entertaining.

No, not at all, Iola.

Miss beeswax isn't here yet.

Oh, well, I made you a nice
banana pudding for your dessert.

Guess I can pop back with it.

Well, bring it on over
and pull up a chair.

I think Naomi's killer
bee is a no-show.

I'll get it!

Freeze, you two goons.

I will get the door.

Lord, swear I should have
put saltpeter in that macaroni.

Hi, I'm Didi Mason.

I'm so sorry I'm late but I
was held up unexpectedly.

Yeah, so was my dinner.

Come on in. I'm Thelma Harper.

- Didi!
- Naomi!

Why, you haven't changed
at all since high school.

Well, neither have you, Naomi.

You look the same as you
did when we were cheerleaders.

Lord, I haven't
heard this much lyin'

since the Contra hearings.

Didi, I want you to meet
my husband, Vinton.

And this is my nephew, Bubba.

- Hi, Bubba.
- Hi, Didi.

- Hi, Vint.
- Hi, Di... Ooh! Ooh!

Naomi.

Oh, yeah. This is just a
neighbor that made the puddin'.

- Iola Boylen.
- Hi.

If we don't eat
soon, I'll have to cut

this macaroni with a chainsaw.

- Right this way, Didi.
- Come on.

Right over here, right over
here. You can have my chair.

- Mine too.
- Will you two sit down?

Oh!

Gosh, Didi, it is so excitin'

to have a bee of your caliber
wrestlin' right here in Raytown.

Yeah, hey, we
got front row seats

to your big match
tomorrow night.

Oh, well, there might not
be a match tomorrow night.

- What?
- Why not?

Well, that's why I'm late.

They had to put my
partner, Lola, in traction.

Oh, what happened?

One of them Siberian
Huskies flatten her?

No, she slipped on a
bar of soap in the shower.

That is why I swear by
those little non-skid daisies.

But, Didi, tomorrow
night is the championship.

You can't just forfeit.

Well, what else can I do?

Where else am I gonna find a
partner on such short notice?

One with enough nerve to
wear that God-awful get-up?

Hey, Skeeter, what about
you? You'd make a cute bee.

Yeah, Aunt Naomi.

Don't be silly. I'm no wrestler.

Well, neither was Lola.
She was just window dressin'.

I did all the wrestlin'.

All you have to do is just
stand there and look good.

Now, that I can do.

Oh, wake up and
smell the coffee.

These women are
professional athletes.

The only thing you ever exercise
are your lips and your hips.

You don't think that
I can do anything.

Nothin' decent people
would pay to see.

Alright, we will
just see about that.

Didi, you've got
yourself a new partner.

- Hey!
- Way to go, Aunt Naomi.

Sweetheart, I can't wait to
see you climb into the ring.

Yeah, I can't wait to see
'em scrape her off the mat.

Programs!

Don't know who's
who without a program.

Get your program.
Get your program here.

Hey, grandma, can
we get a program?

Hell, no, the last thing we
need is a souvenir of this fiasco.

Oh, Thelma, don't sit down yet.

I made somethin'
special for the occasion.

Oh, looky, here's a seat cushion

with Hulk Hogan
embroidered on it.

It's cross-stitch.

Uh, if you don't like that,
I have an Andre the Giant

and a Junkyard Dog.

No, I think I'd just as
soon sit on the Hulk.

Well, make mine Junkyard.

Oh, my, we have such
good seats. They're so close.

I hope they're not too close.

I don't want to get any bee
guts on this nice, new print.

Oh! Yoo-hoo, Vint.

Oh!

Oh, you look so nice
in your trainer outfit.

Hey, baby, how's
your little bee girl doin'?

Oh, not good, poor
Naomi's shakin' so hard

her stinger keeps fallin' off.

Well, I said she wasn't
cut out for this work.

Mama, what she needs
now is family support.

I'm countin' on all of you

to cheer her on and
build up her confidence.

Well, alright, fine.
I'll try anything once.

And now, ladies and gentlemen

for the main event
of the evening

the Tri-State Women's
Wrestling Championship.

Now, entering the ring
are the challengers,

those buzzing beauties,
those hot honeys

those enticing insects,
the Queen Bees.

Doesn't she look
like a pathetic wimp?

Come on, Naomi. You can do it.

Sting 'em, bees!

Naomi, we're all behind you.

You're on, sweetie pie.

That lily-liver doesn't
stand a chance.

She's real light on
her feet, isn't she?

And now, the defending champions

those marauding mamas
those vicious vixens

those twin towers of terror

the Masked Mabels.

Shut up!

Shut up, pig!

Wouldn't you hate to meet
those two in a dark alley?

They wouldn't both
fit in a dark alley.

Didi, I don't think I can
go through with this.

Oh, those women are
just bluffin', Skeeter.

Yeah, honey, their bark
is worse than their bite.

They bite too?

Hey, Naomi, don't you let
those two blimps fool you.

They're just full of hot air.

Yeah!

Hot tops! Careful, old lady.

You're talkin' to
the Masked Mabels.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'd wear a mask too

if I had thighs as big as yours.

Hey, beat it, granny.

Get back to the nursing
home where you belong.

Iola, hold my purse.

You're not supposed
to come into the ring.

Yeah, me and Mabel hate to
body slam anybody over 90.

The only thing over 90
around here is your dress size.

Miss Harper, cut that out.
You are making them crazy.

Oh, who cares? I ain't
gonna let these two

Weight Watcher
rejects push me around.

If you don't quit
flappin' your dentures

they're gonna be pushin'
you around in a wheelchair.

Oh, yeah? We'll just see
who needs a wheelchair.

Miss Harper, don't.

- Didi.
- Didi.

- Didi?
- Didi.

Didi, are you alright?

She's out cold.

Looks like you're gonna
have to forfeit the match.

She came up right behind
me. Never even saw her.

Just quit complaining.
Let's get out of here.

Those Queen Bees were
scared to fight us all along.

Well, that is nothin' but a lie.

Who's afraid of these
two Pillsbury dough girls?

- You are, prune puss.
- Oh, yeah?

I'll take you on, anytime,
anyplace, anywhere.

Miss Harper, stop it.

You heard her.
The challenge is on.

Me and Mabel against
the old lady and the tramp.

We're here to fight.

How are we gonna
get out of this now?

How about if I hit you over
the head with a bucket?

We want a fight.

We want a fight.
We want a fight.

It sure is takin' grandma
a long time to get ready.

Yeah, I wonder where she is.

Maybe she got
smart and went home.

Hurry it up.

Mabel's gettin' impatient.

Where's the old broad?

She's on her way.
She's on her way.

Oh, let me tell you, it
was not easy fittin' Thelma

into Didi's bee suit.

I mean, Lycra only
has so much give.

So, what did you
do, Miss Boylen?

Oh, well, fortunately,
there was a large black tarp

in the dressin' room.

So that, along with
my travelin' sewing kit,

I was able to fashion a costume
suitable for a mature bee.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the new Queen Bee

Raytown's own Thelma Harper.

In this corner are
the challengers

at a combined
weight of 295 pounds

the Queen Bees.

I'd like you all to know that
only 120 of that 295 is mine.

I'm goin', I'm goin'.

And in this corner,
the champions

weighing in at 410
the Masked Mabels.

410?

Those two porkers are
650 if they're an ounce.

Alright, just come
after me, blubber butt.

I'm ready for ya.

Go ahead, Naomi, you go first.

Me? Well, why do
I have to go first?

You're the one
that got us into this.

Get in and put your shoulders
to the mat, so we can go home.

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna
let one of those mabels sit on me.

Hi, blondie.

- Arrrrrrr!
- Aaahhh! Aaaahhh!

Stand still, you string bean

so I can break you in half.

There's been some
terrible misunderstanding.

I was promised I
wouldn't have to wrestle.

You don't.

Just stand there and
let me pulverize you.

Oh!

What the hell are you
doin'? Go hit her, not me.

I'm taggin' you. It's your turn.

Well, I pass.

You can't, mama. She tagged ya.

Well, fine, I tag
you back. You're it.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Will you knock it off?

Tag. No return.

She's got you there, mama.
You can't tag her back.

Shoot, I hate no returns.

How come I didn't think of that?

Hey, Mabel, look who's here.

Grandma Moses.

Mabel, Mabel, I want her.

- I want her bad.
- I do too.

I'll let you have my dessert.

You got a deal.

Hey, look what she's doin'.

Well, so sue me.

Let her out of there.

Are you nuts? Shamu
here is gonna kill me.

Now, okay,
ladies, let's wrestle.

That's it. Let me at her.

Say your prayers, old lady.

I am, I am.

Oh, oh, oh. Careful
there, Mabel.

Now you're gonna
mess up my perm.

Do you give up, granny?

Ooh!

I haven't even
begun to fight, lardo.

Ooh!

Come on, grandma.

Give it to her, mama.

Mabel, Mabel.
Mabel, I can't see.

- You can't?
- No!

Well, then, I bet you
won't see this comin'.

You can't do that to Mabel.

Hold on, kid. Mabel's comin'.

Oh, wait a minute.
You forgot something.

- What?
- This!

Let me give you a
hand there. Here we go.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Pin 'em, mama. You
got to hold them down.

I know that, I'm
just tryin' to think

of a ladylike way to do it.

Oh, what the hell.

One, two, three!

The winner!

Yes! Yes!

Lord, you wouldn't think
jumpin' on a fat woman

would make you this sore.

My feet are killin' me.

I must have run three miles
to get away from those Mabels.

Boy, Grandma, I
still can't believe

that you and Aunt
Naomi are the champs.

Yeah, even Didi was
amazed when she came to.

Oh, I'm so glad she's alright.

The doctor says in a few weeks

you won't even be able
to see that bucket crease.

I got to hand it to
those two mabels.

They were killers in the ring

but they certainly
were gracious losers.

Yeah, you're right, Miss Harper.

Maybe as a friendly gesture

we ought to invite
them to dinner.

No, I-I don't think so, Naomi.

I only got the one side
of beef in the freezer.

Then what would I
feed the other one?