Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 4, Episode 2 - Zirconias Are a Girl's Best Friend - full transcript
Mama discovers at-home television shopping, and soon has a house full of tacky bric-a-brac and cheap jewelry. Her family realizes they must intervene when the credit card bill arrives.
Whoo! I tell you it is so hot
these suckers started to bake
before I put them in the oven!
Oh, boy! Mama's
homemade cupcakes!
Paws off, mister.
These are for supper.
They ain't even iced yet.
Knock, knock!
Oh, are those freshly
baked cupcakes I smell?
Why is it every time
I bring somethin'
to cool, people
show up like pigeons
at a birdseed convention?
Because, Thelma, your
cookin' is irresistible.
Well, since you put it that
way, Iola, help yourself.
Oh, Iola, aren't you
burnin' up in that sweater?
Oh, my, no. It's just
across my shoulders.
Thank goodness
for sweater guards.
- Is that new, Iola?
- I just got it today!
Oh, are those real diamonds?
Almost. They're Cubic Zirconia.
What the hell's
a Cubic zirconia?
Well, they're man-made.
They got all the sparkle
at a fraction of the cost.
Oh, you mean like a rhinestone.
Oh, my, no, Naomi.
These can do
everything a diamond can.
They even cut glass.
Well, that'll come in real handy
if you ever get locked
in a greenhouse.
I think they're just gorgeous.
Honey, why don't you
ever buy me stuff like that?
My mama used to have a
diamond choker looked just like that.
Had little matchin'
earbobs. I loved them so...
Thelma, I didn't
know you liked jewelry.
You hardly ever wear
any, except those beads.
Oh, well, Carl didn't like
for me to wear jewelry.
Yeah, daddy always said
that he didn't like anything to
take away from mama's face.
Ha! He didn't want anything
to take away from his wallet.
You don't have to have
money to buy jewelry.
This was a real steal on
the "K-Ray Teleshopper."
Is that that program where you
phone and buy stuff off the air?
It's like havin' an entire
shoppin' mall in your room.
Oh, that thing is the bunk!
If the Lord wanted people
to have a shoppin' mall
in their house then the
Garden of Eden would've had
piped in music, see-through
elevators and a house of nuts.
Vinton, how many of these
damn things you gonna eat?
Get enough to eat, sweetie?
Yes, ma'am. That was
one great dinner, too.
Probably the best dinner
I ever ate in my whole life.
Well, thank you, Bubba.
And these cupcakes... hmm, boy.
Nobody bakes like you do.
Grandma, you're the greatest.
What do you want?
I need 20 bucks
for my date tonight.
Twenty bucks? You think
I'm made out of money, mister?
It's time you start learnin'
the value of a dollar.
But you wouldn't believe what
a simple date costs these days.
There's your movie tickets,
your-your popcorn, your Cokes
your hot-dogs, your
Jujubes, your Milk Duds
and your licorice whips.
And lots of times, the
girl wants somethin', too.
There is no need for you
to be spendin'
all of that money.
Shoot, I remember my very
best dates with your grandpa Carl
didn't even cost a dime.
He'd come around in his De Soto.
We'd have us a nice
drive out to Ray Lake.
We'd park and
look up at the moon.
Carl would find a little
Glenn Miller on the radio.
We'd just sit back and...
Of course, there's
nothin' like a good movie.
- Here you go, baby.
- Thanks, grandma.
You have fun. Stay
away from Ray Lake.
Haven't you two
gone bowlin' yet?
No. Naomi is glued to
that "K-Ray Teleshopper."
Ms. Harper look at
that ruby and emerald
cocktail ring for only $19!
Oh, I'm phonin' in!
That's right. This
gorgeous ring can be yours
for our low, low
price of $18.95.
Oh, Naomi, save your money.
You could find better
in a box of cracker jacks.
Yeah, Come on, Naomi.
If we're late, we have
to bowl next to the wall.
Oh, alright.
Get a strike for me.
Okay, here's
another toot-toot treat
for another lucky shopper.
It's time to move
on to our next item
I think so it's time to
move on to "Siskel & Ebert".
These antique-style
Zirconia earbobs.
Oh, those are just like the
earbobs my mother used to have.
Except she gave
them to, Aunt Celia
who had the fattest
earlobes in the family.
These classic beauties
are only $39.95 a pair.
Is that all?
But teleshoppers, there's
only six pairs in stock
so you have to act fast.
Uh, Don't sell them! Don't sell!
I'm actin' fast!
Here I go! I'm actin'!
Damn, why don't
we get a touch-tone?
Hello? Hello?
Hi! You're on the
air with Travis.
I want them earbobs!
And you've got them.
What's your name?
Thelma. Thelma Harper.
This is my first time to call in.
Hmm, first time caller, huh?
Well, then, Thelma, I'm going
to give you these earbobs
for the discount price of $30.
- Why, Travis, you are a doll!
- Well, thank you, Thelma.
I'm gonna pass you on to Luanne.
She'll take your
credit card number.
I'm gonna move
on to another caller
and the next item, the
matching Zirconia bracelet.
Oh, well now, hold
that line, Travis.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
There's no need to
break up a matchin' set.
I tell you what,
let's talk a deal here.
What's your bottom line for
the earbobs and the bracelet.
You maybe got a
matching ring there?
Come on, Let me see, Travis.
Don't hold out on me, baby.
♪♪ I feel pretty,
oh, so pretty ♪♪
♪♪ I feel pretty and
witty and bright ♪♪
♪♪ And I pity any girl
who isn't me tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Doodoodoodoodoo
doo doo doo ♪♪♪♪
Ms. Harper, you're so happy.
I can't get over
the change in you.
Well, I tell you it
must be these rocks.
Whoever would've dreamed
I could carry off big jewelry.
I feel like a million bucks.
And you look it, too, Mama.
It's like eatin' baloney
with Joan Collins.
Isn't it? I tell you.
I'm never shoppin' any
other way than on "K-Ray".
They make it easy, they take
your credit-card
number over the phone.
Oh, mama, you always
said your credit card
was for emergencies only.
Oh, grow up, Vinton.
If Angela Lansbury can
master the possibilities
so can I.
Grandma, another package
for you from "Teleshopper."
- Again?
- Oh, boy! Howdy?
If this is what I think it is
our days of swelterin'
in this heat are over.
Mama, don't tell me you
got us an air conditioner?
Hallelujah!
Naomi, I got you yellow
because you wear so much of it.
What is this thing?
It is a personal air
circulatin' system.
Travis says they're all
the rage in Palm Beach.
But Grandma,
they're just little fans.
They come in six
decorated colors.
Vinton, I got you sandalwood.
Bubba, yours is avocado green.
There, you see?
This kitchen is
already degrees cooler.
Ms. Harper, how many
of these did you buy?
Well now, you
wouldn't believe the deal
Travis gave me. They
were cheaper by the gross.
Mama, what are we gonna
do with 12 of these things?
These will make wonderful
birthday and weddin' presents
and perfect little
Christmas stockin' stuffers.
Yeah, reach in a
stockin' and lose a finger.
Good Lord, it's nearly 12:00.
Time for Travis'
noon-day Zirc-a-thon.
Naomi, you finish lunch.
You mean finish makin' it?
Sure. Put the little stand
down on that sucker
and your hands
are free for cookin'.
There.
Also perfect for the
dash of your car or boat.
Grandma, we don't have a boat.
Don't remind her, Bubba.
She'll order a gross of them.
Oh! Ow!
Oh, my, yes, Travis.
My livin' room
is just cryin' out
for that portrait of
Elvis that lights up!
And what a bargain
you're getting on that one.
Boy, Thelma, by now your
house must really be a showplace.
It's nothin' fancy,
but we like it.
And here at "K-Ray",
we like you, Thelma.
Bless your heart, Travis.
Well, I folded all the towels.
Ms. Harper, you're not orderin'
more stuff off the TV, are you?
Oh, no, I was just
dustin' the phone.
Well, congratulations.
That's the first lick of
housework I've seen you do
in the last three weeks.
Well, I might've
slacked off a little bit
but life is short. Bonbon?
Mama, what's for supper tonight?
We can have whatever
you want, sweetie
We can send out
for pizza or Chinese
or catfish in a bucket.
Takeout food again?
Thanks a lot, mama.
Shh. Is that footsteps I
hear on my front porch?
I'll bet you that's the mailman
deliverin' my gold-leaf
French telephone.
- Knock, knock!
- Oh, Iola, what do you want?
Look, I came to take you to
the church ladies' league meetin'.
Is that today? I can't miss
the 3 o'clock Bargain Bonanza.
You'll have to have
the meetin' without me.
We can't have the
meeting without you.
You're the president.
Oh, yeah.
Well, in that case, today's
meetin' is adjourned.
This was only
one-fourth the retail price.
Solid brass.
Thelma Harper, I cannot believe
that you are takin' your
presidential duties so lightly.
- Or your housework.
- Or your cookin'.
Mama, this Teleshopper thing
has gotten out of proportion.
Why do you people tellin'
me how to spend my money?
All of my life, I've
scrimped and saved.
So if buyin' a few
little trinkets brings me
joy in my twilight
years, I'd like to know
what the big deal is.
What is the problem here?
Hi, Grandma. Mail just got here.
Nothin' for me from "K-Ray"?
Nope, just this.
What is this?
I don't know. Looks
like your credit card bill.
Uh-oh!
I just cannot believe
I owe one thousand...
Six hundred...
Twenty-three dollars...
And forty-two cents.
How did this happen? I only
ordered a few knick-knacks.
A few knickknacks?
Thelma, you got more
cheap junk on display
than the dime toss at the fair.
Bubba, run to the garage
and get those packin' boxes.
All this stuff's gotta go back.
No, I can't send my things
back. What would I say to Travis?
Thelma, you got 30
days to return things.
Repack this stuff and
you can get a full refund.
No, I won't part with my
pretties. You can't make me.
I will find a way to earn the
money. I'll take in boarders.
- Yeah, where you gonna put 'em?
- There's barely room for us.
I guess you're gonna have
to find somewhere else to live.
Thelma. Get a grip on yourself.
What is more important?
"Teleshopper" or your family?
Thelma!
Don't rush me. I'm thinkin'.
- Thelma!
- Oh, alright.
- I guess it's all got to go.
- Now that's the spirit.
Yes, sir. Thelma Harper
has learned her lesson.
My, that catches the light.
Mama... Oh, alright.
I've turned on "Teleshopper"
for the last time.
Oh! What the... My word!
Turn the damn thing off!
What the hell is
this? A conspiracy?
So, you've turned
on "Teleshopper"
for the last time, huh, Mama?
That was not "Teleshopper,"
it was "Face The Nation."
Very educational.
I think it's time to face the
music. Admit it, Thelma.
You can't stop yourself.
Don't be ridiculous, Iola.
I'm in complete control.
What was that noise?
What noise?
From under your cushion.
Well, for heaven's sake,
Bubba, I'm an old woman.
Mama, get up and show
us what's under there.
Nothin', see?
Grandma!
Aww!
Well, now, how
did that get in there?
No good holding out
on us, Ms. Harper.
The jewelry has to go back too.
Well, yeah, alright,
that's all there is.
Thelma...
Oh, alright.
This just came
in the mail today.
I ain't even had a
chance to wear it yet.
Everything, Grandma.
Everything?
Everything.
Oh, Thelma, have
you sunk so low?
They came from the ocean.
A little water won't hurt 'em.
Oh, Mama, face it. You
are a tele-shopaholic.
Oh, Lord. You always think it's
gonna happen to someone else.
But it's not your
fault, Ms. Harper.
It's a disease. You
can't help yourself.
But we can.
It's time for people
who love you
to nip this thing in the bud.
Thelma...
Alright. Now, we all know
what we're goin' to do?
Okay, now, let's remember
that we're doin' this
for Mama's own good.
I don't know, Iola.
This whole thing sounds
sorta wacky to me.
Trust me, Thelma. This aversion
therapy is gonna work wonders.
Yeah, it's gonna take
that "Teleshopper" monkey
right off of your back.
Just a minute here, now.
Does this aversion therapy
have anything to do with
rubber rooms and electricity?
Of course not, Thelma.
This is the latest technique.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
explained the whole thing
the other day on "Good
Morning, America."
Oh, don't you just
miss David Hartman?
Nobody could fill out a
blazer the way he did.
Except for Jane Pauley
every nine months.
Now, come on, Grandma.
All you have to do is pretend
this is an ordinary night
and we're all just
gonna watch TV.
Well, that oughta be
pretty easy to pretend.
Yeah, just one big happy family.
That will be a lot harder.
Well, what shall we watch on TV?
How about "Teleshopper?"
Great idea. They have
such great bargains.
Lord, I feel like I'm watching
TV with the "Stepford Children".
Oh, look. There's Travis.
Tonight's Zirconia Extravaganza
begins with this elegant
kidney-shaped dinner ring.
- Oh, that is gorgeous!
- Isn't it?
I never knew a kidney
could look so good.
Boy, I bet you'd have
to give over 100 bucks
for that baby in
a jewelry store.
Originally listed at $34.95.
This beauty can be yours
tonight for a mere $17.50.
Oh.
Now, who could pass
up a deal like that?
I'm gonna call right now.
Would you look at the
sparkle on that thing?
Yeah. I've never
seen anything like it.
I'm callin'.
Here I go.
Hello, "Teleshopper?" I
would like to order the...
No.
Oh!
What the hell's goin' on here?
It's part of the aversion
therapy, Thelma.
It's the same technique
used to train household pets.
All I did was use the phone.
I didn't make a
mess on the floor!
Just relax, Ms. Harper.
Come on, sit and
enjoy your show.
Alright, but don't
do that again.
Here's a toot-toot treat.
I've only got three
of these rings left
and I'm letting them
go for just $9.99.
Boy, what a deal!
Wow. That big ring would
look great on you, Grandma.
Yeah, you really got the
knuckles to carry it off.
It would look good with
almost everything I own.
And it's only $9.99.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime deal.
I'm callin'.
Hello, "Teleshopper"? I
would like to order the...
No.
I'm startin' to
get really teed off.
Grandma, it's for your own good.
If you think beatin' an
old woman senseless
is for her own good, then you
need therapy worse than me!
Thelma, you can turn
off the "Teleshopper"
any time you feel like it.
Oh, is that all there is to it?
Why didn't you just say so?
Gee, I haven't heard from
my good friend Thelma lately.
Thelma, if you're
listening out there,
I sure do miss your voice.
Oh, well now, doesn't
this just break your heart?
That sweet boy misses me.
I tell you what, Thelma.
If you call in right
now to say hi.
I'll give you this
last ring for free.
Free! Did you
hear that? For free.
I promise it'll be my last call.
I promise I will say
goodbye to Travis forever.
Well, what do you all
think? One last call?
She is a grown woman.
Yeah. And it is for free.
Oh, go for it, Mama.
Oh, boy! Bless your hearts!
You are the most
wonderful family
in the whole wide world.
Hello, "Teleshopper?" I
want to order that ring...
No!
Oh, alright! I'll turn it off!
Way to go, Ms.
Harper. You did it!
I know it was a bit
undignified, Thelma.
But you will remember
this awful experience
every time you turn
on "Teleshopper".
I believe maybe you're right.
This ordeal has been so terrible
I don't think I'm ever gonna
watch "Teleshopper" again.
You see, Mama? Doesn't
that make you feel better?
No. This does.
Ow!
- Ahh!
- Grandma!
- Ow!
- Oh!
these suckers started to bake
before I put them in the oven!
Oh, boy! Mama's
homemade cupcakes!
Paws off, mister.
These are for supper.
They ain't even iced yet.
Knock, knock!
Oh, are those freshly
baked cupcakes I smell?
Why is it every time
I bring somethin'
to cool, people
show up like pigeons
at a birdseed convention?
Because, Thelma, your
cookin' is irresistible.
Well, since you put it that
way, Iola, help yourself.
Oh, Iola, aren't you
burnin' up in that sweater?
Oh, my, no. It's just
across my shoulders.
Thank goodness
for sweater guards.
- Is that new, Iola?
- I just got it today!
Oh, are those real diamonds?
Almost. They're Cubic Zirconia.
What the hell's
a Cubic zirconia?
Well, they're man-made.
They got all the sparkle
at a fraction of the cost.
Oh, you mean like a rhinestone.
Oh, my, no, Naomi.
These can do
everything a diamond can.
They even cut glass.
Well, that'll come in real handy
if you ever get locked
in a greenhouse.
I think they're just gorgeous.
Honey, why don't you
ever buy me stuff like that?
My mama used to have a
diamond choker looked just like that.
Had little matchin'
earbobs. I loved them so...
Thelma, I didn't
know you liked jewelry.
You hardly ever wear
any, except those beads.
Oh, well, Carl didn't like
for me to wear jewelry.
Yeah, daddy always said
that he didn't like anything to
take away from mama's face.
Ha! He didn't want anything
to take away from his wallet.
You don't have to have
money to buy jewelry.
This was a real steal on
the "K-Ray Teleshopper."
Is that that program where you
phone and buy stuff off the air?
It's like havin' an entire
shoppin' mall in your room.
Oh, that thing is the bunk!
If the Lord wanted people
to have a shoppin' mall
in their house then the
Garden of Eden would've had
piped in music, see-through
elevators and a house of nuts.
Vinton, how many of these
damn things you gonna eat?
Get enough to eat, sweetie?
Yes, ma'am. That was
one great dinner, too.
Probably the best dinner
I ever ate in my whole life.
Well, thank you, Bubba.
And these cupcakes... hmm, boy.
Nobody bakes like you do.
Grandma, you're the greatest.
What do you want?
I need 20 bucks
for my date tonight.
Twenty bucks? You think
I'm made out of money, mister?
It's time you start learnin'
the value of a dollar.
But you wouldn't believe what
a simple date costs these days.
There's your movie tickets,
your-your popcorn, your Cokes
your hot-dogs, your
Jujubes, your Milk Duds
and your licorice whips.
And lots of times, the
girl wants somethin', too.
There is no need for you
to be spendin'
all of that money.
Shoot, I remember my very
best dates with your grandpa Carl
didn't even cost a dime.
He'd come around in his De Soto.
We'd have us a nice
drive out to Ray Lake.
We'd park and
look up at the moon.
Carl would find a little
Glenn Miller on the radio.
We'd just sit back and...
Of course, there's
nothin' like a good movie.
- Here you go, baby.
- Thanks, grandma.
You have fun. Stay
away from Ray Lake.
Haven't you two
gone bowlin' yet?
No. Naomi is glued to
that "K-Ray Teleshopper."
Ms. Harper look at
that ruby and emerald
cocktail ring for only $19!
Oh, I'm phonin' in!
That's right. This
gorgeous ring can be yours
for our low, low
price of $18.95.
Oh, Naomi, save your money.
You could find better
in a box of cracker jacks.
Yeah, Come on, Naomi.
If we're late, we have
to bowl next to the wall.
Oh, alright.
Get a strike for me.
Okay, here's
another toot-toot treat
for another lucky shopper.
It's time to move
on to our next item
I think so it's time to
move on to "Siskel & Ebert".
These antique-style
Zirconia earbobs.
Oh, those are just like the
earbobs my mother used to have.
Except she gave
them to, Aunt Celia
who had the fattest
earlobes in the family.
These classic beauties
are only $39.95 a pair.
Is that all?
But teleshoppers, there's
only six pairs in stock
so you have to act fast.
Uh, Don't sell them! Don't sell!
I'm actin' fast!
Here I go! I'm actin'!
Damn, why don't
we get a touch-tone?
Hello? Hello?
Hi! You're on the
air with Travis.
I want them earbobs!
And you've got them.
What's your name?
Thelma. Thelma Harper.
This is my first time to call in.
Hmm, first time caller, huh?
Well, then, Thelma, I'm going
to give you these earbobs
for the discount price of $30.
- Why, Travis, you are a doll!
- Well, thank you, Thelma.
I'm gonna pass you on to Luanne.
She'll take your
credit card number.
I'm gonna move
on to another caller
and the next item, the
matching Zirconia bracelet.
Oh, well now, hold
that line, Travis.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
There's no need to
break up a matchin' set.
I tell you what,
let's talk a deal here.
What's your bottom line for
the earbobs and the bracelet.
You maybe got a
matching ring there?
Come on, Let me see, Travis.
Don't hold out on me, baby.
♪♪ I feel pretty,
oh, so pretty ♪♪
♪♪ I feel pretty and
witty and bright ♪♪
♪♪ And I pity any girl
who isn't me tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Doodoodoodoodoo
doo doo doo ♪♪♪♪
Ms. Harper, you're so happy.
I can't get over
the change in you.
Well, I tell you it
must be these rocks.
Whoever would've dreamed
I could carry off big jewelry.
I feel like a million bucks.
And you look it, too, Mama.
It's like eatin' baloney
with Joan Collins.
Isn't it? I tell you.
I'm never shoppin' any
other way than on "K-Ray".
They make it easy, they take
your credit-card
number over the phone.
Oh, mama, you always
said your credit card
was for emergencies only.
Oh, grow up, Vinton.
If Angela Lansbury can
master the possibilities
so can I.
Grandma, another package
for you from "Teleshopper."
- Again?
- Oh, boy! Howdy?
If this is what I think it is
our days of swelterin'
in this heat are over.
Mama, don't tell me you
got us an air conditioner?
Hallelujah!
Naomi, I got you yellow
because you wear so much of it.
What is this thing?
It is a personal air
circulatin' system.
Travis says they're all
the rage in Palm Beach.
But Grandma,
they're just little fans.
They come in six
decorated colors.
Vinton, I got you sandalwood.
Bubba, yours is avocado green.
There, you see?
This kitchen is
already degrees cooler.
Ms. Harper, how many
of these did you buy?
Well now, you
wouldn't believe the deal
Travis gave me. They
were cheaper by the gross.
Mama, what are we gonna
do with 12 of these things?
These will make wonderful
birthday and weddin' presents
and perfect little
Christmas stockin' stuffers.
Yeah, reach in a
stockin' and lose a finger.
Good Lord, it's nearly 12:00.
Time for Travis'
noon-day Zirc-a-thon.
Naomi, you finish lunch.
You mean finish makin' it?
Sure. Put the little stand
down on that sucker
and your hands
are free for cookin'.
There.
Also perfect for the
dash of your car or boat.
Grandma, we don't have a boat.
Don't remind her, Bubba.
She'll order a gross of them.
Oh! Ow!
Oh, my, yes, Travis.
My livin' room
is just cryin' out
for that portrait of
Elvis that lights up!
And what a bargain
you're getting on that one.
Boy, Thelma, by now your
house must really be a showplace.
It's nothin' fancy,
but we like it.
And here at "K-Ray",
we like you, Thelma.
Bless your heart, Travis.
Well, I folded all the towels.
Ms. Harper, you're not orderin'
more stuff off the TV, are you?
Oh, no, I was just
dustin' the phone.
Well, congratulations.
That's the first lick of
housework I've seen you do
in the last three weeks.
Well, I might've
slacked off a little bit
but life is short. Bonbon?
Mama, what's for supper tonight?
We can have whatever
you want, sweetie
We can send out
for pizza or Chinese
or catfish in a bucket.
Takeout food again?
Thanks a lot, mama.
Shh. Is that footsteps I
hear on my front porch?
I'll bet you that's the mailman
deliverin' my gold-leaf
French telephone.
- Knock, knock!
- Oh, Iola, what do you want?
Look, I came to take you to
the church ladies' league meetin'.
Is that today? I can't miss
the 3 o'clock Bargain Bonanza.
You'll have to have
the meetin' without me.
We can't have the
meeting without you.
You're the president.
Oh, yeah.
Well, in that case, today's
meetin' is adjourned.
This was only
one-fourth the retail price.
Solid brass.
Thelma Harper, I cannot believe
that you are takin' your
presidential duties so lightly.
- Or your housework.
- Or your cookin'.
Mama, this Teleshopper thing
has gotten out of proportion.
Why do you people tellin'
me how to spend my money?
All of my life, I've
scrimped and saved.
So if buyin' a few
little trinkets brings me
joy in my twilight
years, I'd like to know
what the big deal is.
What is the problem here?
Hi, Grandma. Mail just got here.
Nothin' for me from "K-Ray"?
Nope, just this.
What is this?
I don't know. Looks
like your credit card bill.
Uh-oh!
I just cannot believe
I owe one thousand...
Six hundred...
Twenty-three dollars...
And forty-two cents.
How did this happen? I only
ordered a few knick-knacks.
A few knickknacks?
Thelma, you got more
cheap junk on display
than the dime toss at the fair.
Bubba, run to the garage
and get those packin' boxes.
All this stuff's gotta go back.
No, I can't send my things
back. What would I say to Travis?
Thelma, you got 30
days to return things.
Repack this stuff and
you can get a full refund.
No, I won't part with my
pretties. You can't make me.
I will find a way to earn the
money. I'll take in boarders.
- Yeah, where you gonna put 'em?
- There's barely room for us.
I guess you're gonna have
to find somewhere else to live.
Thelma. Get a grip on yourself.
What is more important?
"Teleshopper" or your family?
Thelma!
Don't rush me. I'm thinkin'.
- Thelma!
- Oh, alright.
- I guess it's all got to go.
- Now that's the spirit.
Yes, sir. Thelma Harper
has learned her lesson.
My, that catches the light.
Mama... Oh, alright.
I've turned on "Teleshopper"
for the last time.
Oh! What the... My word!
Turn the damn thing off!
What the hell is
this? A conspiracy?
So, you've turned
on "Teleshopper"
for the last time, huh, Mama?
That was not "Teleshopper,"
it was "Face The Nation."
Very educational.
I think it's time to face the
music. Admit it, Thelma.
You can't stop yourself.
Don't be ridiculous, Iola.
I'm in complete control.
What was that noise?
What noise?
From under your cushion.
Well, for heaven's sake,
Bubba, I'm an old woman.
Mama, get up and show
us what's under there.
Nothin', see?
Grandma!
Aww!
Well, now, how
did that get in there?
No good holding out
on us, Ms. Harper.
The jewelry has to go back too.
Well, yeah, alright,
that's all there is.
Thelma...
Oh, alright.
This just came
in the mail today.
I ain't even had a
chance to wear it yet.
Everything, Grandma.
Everything?
Everything.
Oh, Thelma, have
you sunk so low?
They came from the ocean.
A little water won't hurt 'em.
Oh, Mama, face it. You
are a tele-shopaholic.
Oh, Lord. You always think it's
gonna happen to someone else.
But it's not your
fault, Ms. Harper.
It's a disease. You
can't help yourself.
But we can.
It's time for people
who love you
to nip this thing in the bud.
Thelma...
Alright. Now, we all know
what we're goin' to do?
Okay, now, let's remember
that we're doin' this
for Mama's own good.
I don't know, Iola.
This whole thing sounds
sorta wacky to me.
Trust me, Thelma. This aversion
therapy is gonna work wonders.
Yeah, it's gonna take
that "Teleshopper" monkey
right off of your back.
Just a minute here, now.
Does this aversion therapy
have anything to do with
rubber rooms and electricity?
Of course not, Thelma.
This is the latest technique.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
explained the whole thing
the other day on "Good
Morning, America."
Oh, don't you just
miss David Hartman?
Nobody could fill out a
blazer the way he did.
Except for Jane Pauley
every nine months.
Now, come on, Grandma.
All you have to do is pretend
this is an ordinary night
and we're all just
gonna watch TV.
Well, that oughta be
pretty easy to pretend.
Yeah, just one big happy family.
That will be a lot harder.
Well, what shall we watch on TV?
How about "Teleshopper?"
Great idea. They have
such great bargains.
Lord, I feel like I'm watching
TV with the "Stepford Children".
Oh, look. There's Travis.
Tonight's Zirconia Extravaganza
begins with this elegant
kidney-shaped dinner ring.
- Oh, that is gorgeous!
- Isn't it?
I never knew a kidney
could look so good.
Boy, I bet you'd have
to give over 100 bucks
for that baby in
a jewelry store.
Originally listed at $34.95.
This beauty can be yours
tonight for a mere $17.50.
Oh.
Now, who could pass
up a deal like that?
I'm gonna call right now.
Would you look at the
sparkle on that thing?
Yeah. I've never
seen anything like it.
I'm callin'.
Here I go.
Hello, "Teleshopper?" I
would like to order the...
No.
Oh!
What the hell's goin' on here?
It's part of the aversion
therapy, Thelma.
It's the same technique
used to train household pets.
All I did was use the phone.
I didn't make a
mess on the floor!
Just relax, Ms. Harper.
Come on, sit and
enjoy your show.
Alright, but don't
do that again.
Here's a toot-toot treat.
I've only got three
of these rings left
and I'm letting them
go for just $9.99.
Boy, what a deal!
Wow. That big ring would
look great on you, Grandma.
Yeah, you really got the
knuckles to carry it off.
It would look good with
almost everything I own.
And it's only $9.99.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime deal.
I'm callin'.
Hello, "Teleshopper"? I
would like to order the...
No.
I'm startin' to
get really teed off.
Grandma, it's for your own good.
If you think beatin' an
old woman senseless
is for her own good, then you
need therapy worse than me!
Thelma, you can turn
off the "Teleshopper"
any time you feel like it.
Oh, is that all there is to it?
Why didn't you just say so?
Gee, I haven't heard from
my good friend Thelma lately.
Thelma, if you're
listening out there,
I sure do miss your voice.
Oh, well now, doesn't
this just break your heart?
That sweet boy misses me.
I tell you what, Thelma.
If you call in right
now to say hi.
I'll give you this
last ring for free.
Free! Did you
hear that? For free.
I promise it'll be my last call.
I promise I will say
goodbye to Travis forever.
Well, what do you all
think? One last call?
She is a grown woman.
Yeah. And it is for free.
Oh, go for it, Mama.
Oh, boy! Bless your hearts!
You are the most
wonderful family
in the whole wide world.
Hello, "Teleshopper?" I
want to order that ring...
No!
Oh, alright! I'll turn it off!
Way to go, Ms.
Harper. You did it!
I know it was a bit
undignified, Thelma.
But you will remember
this awful experience
every time you turn
on "Teleshopper".
I believe maybe you're right.
This ordeal has been so terrible
I don't think I'm ever gonna
watch "Teleshopper" again.
You see, Mama? Doesn't
that make you feel better?
No. This does.
Ow!
- Ahh!
- Grandma!
- Ow!
- Oh!