Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 4, Episode 15 - A Friend Indeed - full transcript

Mama has had it with Iola's constant intrusion into her home and family life. But when Iola starts spending all her time with a new friend, Mama feels left out and must find a way to get her back.

Okay, everybody, the
feed's out. Let's eat.

Mama, we're just about
to go for our afternoon run.

- We can't eat now.
- Oh, it's now or never.

This veal cutlet won't
keep. You can run tomorrow.

We can't skip a day, Ms. Harper.

We are in trainin' for the
big Raytown 10K race.

Yeah, grandma, we gotta
work on pickin' up some speed.

Fine. You go on ahead and run.

I thought if we ate before
5:00, we might have

one meal this week
without Iola poppin' over.

- Let's eat!
- I'm starved!



Pass the peas.

Here now.

Isn't this great havin' a nice

relaxed meal with just family?

Hurry up with those
damn potatoes.

Boy, I tell you, if I had to eat
one more meal with Iola Boylen

I was gonna scream.

What are you complainin' about?

You only have her at mealtime.

That pathetic thing is over here

breathing down my neck
morning, noon, and night.

If she wasn't so skinny I'd
think she was my shadow.

Calm down, mama.
She's not here now.

We outfoxed her this time.



Knock, knock.

I swear that woman has radar.

Shh! Nobody talk.

Yeah, maybe she'll just go away.

Knock, knock again!

Nobody even chew.

Oh, forget it.
It's a lost cause.

Hold on, Iola, I'm comin'.

How do? Long time, no see.

Thelma, did you know that
your front door is locked?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Iola.

Oh, my goodness. You're
havin' dinner already?

Well, we thought
we'd try somethin' new.

Yeah, but it didn't work.

I made you a special dessert
in my gourmet cookin' class.

Double chocolate eclairs.

Oh, It should go perfect with...

Oh, what's that, veal cutlets?

Yeah, yeah. Just
pull up a chair.

No thanks, I can't stay.

Iola, I'm not gonna beg.

No, I'm goin' out to dinner.

You?

Goin' out?

To dinner?

With somebody else?

Yes, Arlene Madison. She's
my partner in the cookin' class.

Well! Isn't this somethin'? A
new class and a new friend.

Maybe you'll get out
now, see the sights more

go over to Arlene's
for a change.

Oh, there's an idea.

She is just about the most

interesting, well-read
person I've ever met.

- Thelma, you'd just love her.
- I already do.

Well, I must fly.
Enjoy the dessert.

Ta-ta!

Hallelujah! My prayers
have been answered.

An Iola-free meal.

Yeah. Come on,
everybody, let's dig in.

- Mmm, boy! Chocolate eclairs.
- Oh, no, you don't!

Y'all go outside
and run your laps.

Iola's gone so we don't have
to eat at this ungodly hour.

Oh, come on, go on. Get! Get!

All this food will be
here when you get back.

Except for these eclairs.

Y'all are in trainin'.

I'm not.

Come on, you been at
this for three weeks now

let's look alive!

Get the lead out
of those Reeboks!

Come, come, come!

Okay, everybody, good job!

That is ten seconds
faster than yesterday.

You're really
improving your time.

See? I told you
takin' that shortcut

through the ally would help.

Ah! Yeah.

Hey, Bubba, what the hell
do you think you're doin'?

- Pick that thing up!
- Can't do it, grandma.

Gotta simulate
the exact conditions

of the big race tomorrow.

Yeah, Ms. Harper.

Lookin' for a trash can
can just slow you down.

A good slap upside of the head
will slow you down even more.

You just cost me the
race. Thanks a lot, mama.

You can be the first
one in line for breakfast.

I made y'all a big
pot of oatmeal.

Oh.

Mmm! It smells great.

None for me, grandma. I gotta
go get cleaned up for school.

I had lotta trouble to fix this.
It's got cinnamon and raisins.

Pack it up for me
and I'll take it for lunch.

I don't have time to make
you an oatmeal sandwich!

Iola's pickin' me
up early for our

church ladies' league meetin'.

You mean you're
actually going to get to see

the long-lost Iola Boylen?

Yeah, can you believe it?

It's been almost three weeks

since I've even
laid eyes on her.

She's always goin'
somewhere or other

with miss perfect, Arlene.

Oh-oh! I think somebody
sounds jealous.

I am not. I most
certainly am not jealous.

Why would I be jealous
of Iola's friendship

with the most
wonderful, charming,

good-natured person
she's ever met?

Have some oatmeal.

Honey, I don't think we oughta
eat this heavy after our run.

Oh, maybe you're right.
Let's go get ready for work.

We can stop at the Donut Hut.

Great idea! Thanks
anyway, Ms. Harper.

Yeah, no problem.

I just love gettin' up
at the crack of dawn

cookin' food that nobody eats.

Knock, knock.

Well, Iola Boylen! If you
aren't a sight for sore eyes.

- Am I?
- Yes!

I haven't seen
you in three weeks.

- Has it been that long?
- I'm glad you stopped by early.

I just made a big pot of
cinnamon-raisin oatmeal

just for us.

You know how the church
meetings are on an empty stomach.

Oh, no, thank you. I can't stay.

I just stopped by to tell
you I'd miss today's meetin'.

But you can't,
it's real important.

They're handin' out cleanup
assignments for communion.

Well, I'm sorry, but it can't
be helped. Arlene needs me.

Arlene, huh?

Yes, she runs a little

art gallery, down on the mall

and she's havin'
a showing tonight.

Paintings of famous dinners.

Boy, I bet that people are
gonna just swarm to see that.

Ooh, Thelma, Thelma, please!

Don't scrape the bowl like that.

Arlene says it can
scratch fine China.

- She does, does she?
- Mm-hmm.

'Course you're
not usin' fine China.

Yeah, lucky me. I can just
scrape to my heart's content.

Don't you think it's about time

you got a really good
set of dinnerware?

Arlene says a successful
dinner is 90, presentation.

Do tell.

Well, I got to run home

and get my umbrella.

Arlene says it's
gonna rain today.

Is there anything this
woman don't know?

Say, Iola! Wait up!

Uh, what is your tomorrow like?

Are you free to
come over for a visit?

I'll make some of that
international coffee.

As a matter of fact, I'm
free tomorrow afternoon.

- Say around 3:00-ish?
- It's a date!

Oh, we're gonna have such fun

swappin' stories, sippin'
that Hungarian mocha.

And it'll be the
perfect opportunity

for you to meet Arlene.

- Arlene?
- Yeah.

Our cookin' class
isn't meetin' tomorrow

so she'll be free to join us.

Oh, goody!

Oh. But you'll have to make
tea. Arlene won't go near coffee.

Oh, and, Thelma, cups
and saucers. No mugs.

Oh, well, darn!

I was plannin' on havin'

a thermos with three straws!

Stretch, and
stretch, and stretch!

Oh!

Okay, break. Gather
around, people.

Now... what we got to
remember in this race today

is to work like a team.

Therein lies victory.

What do you mean
work like a team?

Yeah, this isn't a
relay race, Uncle Vint.

Bubba, bubba, bubba.

Nobody wins a
race by runnin' fast.

- They don't?
- No. They win with strategy.

Now, you two are gonna be
the rabbits for our team, see.

You break out from the
start and set a real fast pace

and tire out all
those other runners.

Then what do you get to do?

Well, I wait till the last K

then I put on a burst of speed
and cross the finish line first.

Isn't it great?

- Forget it, Vinton!
- It's every man for himself.

Okay, go ahead, be
selfish. See if I care.

Okay, who is gonna
be the first one

to try Thelma Harper's
teacakes supreme?

Ms. Harper, we
can't eat sweets now.

It's less than an hour
before the big race.

Oh, come on.

These will give you
the sugar buzz you need

to run that extra K.

They're just loaded
with little chocolate chips

and pecans, and
candied cherries.

Well, maybe one wouldn't hurt.

Bubba, that is
breaking training.

There goes my rabbit.

- How is that, baby?
- Mmm! Great!

Real sweet and gooey.

Maybe I'll take a
couple for the road.

Well, don't... Hey,
don't handle all of 'em

and leave some for Iola
and her precious Arlene.

They're comin' over for
high tea at three o'clock.

Three o'clock? Mama,
that's when the race starts.

Aren't you gonna
be there to cheer us?

Yeah, everybody and his
grandmother's gonna be there.

Oh, for pity's sakes! So
I miss the start, big deal.

This tea's only
gonna last an hour.

I'll get there in time
to see you draggin'

your tired butts
across the finish line.

Thanks a lot for the
encouragement, Ms. Harper!

Oh, that's just mama's way.

She talks like that to us kids

but what do you bet she
brags up a storm to her friends?

Nah!

Okay, which pot am I gonna use?

The China pot,
or the silver pot?

The China pot does
match my tea set.

But this silver sucker
just reeks of class.

'Course, it does make
my tea set look cheap.

Oh, shoot. I'll
just use 'em both.

Lord, it's gonna be a
regular trip through hell.

Oh! Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Thelma Harper, my oldest
best friend in all the world.

Meet Arlene Madison, my
newest best friend in all the world.

I am charmed to
finally meet you.

Well, very likewise, I'm sure.
Won't you come in and sit down?

Thank you.

My, what a nice... homey place.

I like your
ceramic-flamingo motif.

- They're such fun.
- Aren't they?

Actually, those are
the first two I ever got.

They're a gift from my daughter,
Eunice all the way from Florida.

I call them Millie and Willie.
Millie's the one that winks.

Arlene has genuine
Hummel ceramics in her place.

Oh! Hummel! What
kind of a bird is that?

Iola, you didn't tell me
your friend was so witty.

I didn't know.

Well, uh, who's up for some tea?

I certainly am.

Me too.

Well, so am I. Oops!

I just hate a napkin
with a mind of its own.

- Well, Thelma, two teapots?
- Well, yes. What else?

There'll be some
tea-drinking here today.

What kind is in
the China teapot?

Er...

"Lipton orange pekoe
flow-through tea bag."

And what's in the silver teapot?

Lipton orange pekoe
flow-through tea bag.

That's right. When you
find a good thing, stick to it.

Oh, Thelma, I didn't
tell you the good news.

Arlene and I are goin' on
a gourmet-cookin' cruise

the first of next month.

But you can't. That's Las
Vegas night at the church.

I already made our reservations.

Oh, I didn't realize you
had a prior commitment.

Well, I don't really,
it's just Thelma.

Yeah. I don't count.

Arlene, you're not
touchin' your tea.

Let me brew you up a
batch with orange peels in it.

- That isn't really necessary.
- No trouble at all.

Isn't she something?

Yeah, she's somethin', alright.

And so generous.

Do you know that she has
brought dessert over to my place

every night this week?

Well, she does that
for us all the time.

Plus, she makes us the
most adorable handicraft items.

She crocheted me the most
interesting sunflower mat

for my bathroom.

I have that mat.

Plus the Johnny Bonnet,
and the toilet paper cozy.

She calls me every morning
just to find out how I'm doing.

Well, it's probably right
after she hangs up with me.

Well, you've known her
a lot longer than I have.

Damn tootin'.

So, maybe you could
answer a question for me.

What is it you'd like to know?

How do I get rid of her?

What do you mean
you wanna get rid of her?

The woman is driving
me out of my mind.

She's by my side 24 hours a day.

My home is not my home anymore.

My gallery is no
longer my gallery.

I thought you were havin'
such a good time with her.

That's just the way
I was brought up.

My mother said a lady
always is polite, generous

and pretends to have a good time

no matter how miserable she is.

Yeah, my mother told me
the same thing about sex.

I'm at my wit's end.

Iola is so needy and
clinging and-and...

Pitiful.

What can I do?

Well, when all else fails I
always fall back on the truth.

Why don't you just
tell her how you feel?

Oh, I couldn't. It
would destroy her.

She's stronger than you
think. I insult her every time

it doesn't even faze her.

- Really?
- What have you got to lose?

I don't know.

Arlene, I forgot to tell you,

I was able to get a
sitter for mother tomorrow

So I'll be able to spend the
day with you at the gallery.

Iola, sit down.

- I have something to tell you.
- Certainly. What is it?

Iola, I don't want you to
come to the gallery tomorrow.

Oh, don't worry about
mother, the sitter's bonded.

That's not the problem.

I-it's just that...

I don't think we should be
spending so much time together.

I understand.

You do?

Well, sure. If we spend
too much time together now

we won't have anything to
say to one another on the cruise.

Iola... I don't want you to
go on this cruise with me.

What are you
tryin' to say, Arlene?

Yeah, Arlene, spit it out.

Well, I-Iola, it's just that...

you're by my side
24 hours a day.

It's too much.

You're suffocating me,
and I can't take it anymore.

I see.

Well, I'm very sorry

if I have annoyed,
or distressed, or...

or suffocated you in any way.

I certainly didn't
mean to be a pest.

I only meant to...
To be a friend.

Iola, sweetie, are you alright?

Oh, yes, I'm fine.

Well, I hope you're happy!

Look what you've done!

Me? You said she could take it.

Why did you make me say that?

Thelma Harper, I should have
known you were behind this!

What?

You have been jealous of Arlene

since the first time I
threw her up to you.

You wanted to get her alone
so you could turn her against me.

No, it wasn't like that at all.

Arlene, butt out!
I'll handle this.

It's time that Iola
heard the truth.

If you can't tell
her, then I will.

The truth is...

Th-the truth is...

Arlene made up all that
stuff about not likin' you.

- She did?
- Yes, she did.

'Cause she's just as
crazy about you as I am

and that's the problem.

I don't understand.

Of course you don't.

Go ahead, Thelma, spit it out.

Well, Iola, you see
you just can't have

two best friends
in the whole world.

There just isn't enough
of you to go around.

So, Arlene and I fought
over you, and I won.

- You-you fought over me?
- Yes, we did.

With what?

With words. What do you
think, with pistols at dawn?

And then when Thelma told
me how much you meant to her

I knew in my heart I
couldn't come between

two such dear friends.

It is true. Thelma
and I go way back.

- We sure do, sweetie.
- Well, I'd better go.

Iola, I hope you and I can still
be the best of acquaintances.

Of course.

Thanks for the tea, Thelma.

Oh, and the lesson
about telling the truth.

- Don't mention it.
- I won't if you won't.

- Goodbye!
- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Arlene.

Well, Thelma, I'm
so glad you won.

She was beginnin'
to get on my nerves.

Hey, lady, get out of the way!

Hurry, mama, open the door.

Good Lord! What in the
world happened to Bubba?

Did he take a fall?

Two K's into the race

he suddenly doubled
over and fell to the ground.

And 60 runners raced over
him before we could get to him.

They threw their
paper cups on me!

Oh, sweetie, what
was it, a leg cramp?

No! It was a stomach cramp.

From those lousy
teacakes of yours.

Alright, no need
to panic, I'll mix up

some baking soda and
water with a pinch of lemon.

And tonight we must serve
just the blandest of foods.

I make a boiled chicken
that works wonders.

Naomi, don't just stand there.
Get the boy a heatin' pad.

Iola's back?

- For dinner?
- Oh!

Oh, now, listen here!

Iola might have a few faults.

Alright, she's
got a lot of faults

but she's my best friend, and I
won't hear bad word about her.

You have got to reorganize
your kitchen cabinets.

I can't find the bakin'
soda anywhere.

It's right there under your
skinny nose, you fussbudget!

Is that what you
call your best friend?

Iola, I think of you as family.

I can call you any
damn thing I want.