Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 4, Episode 12 - Mama Sees Red - full transcript
Okay, Bubba, now think. This
is for The 25,000 Dollar Pyramid.
- Alright.
- Only 30 seconds left.
A tie.
Pearls. A noose.
Things you put around your neck!
- Correct!
- Okay!
Oh, uh, this is a hard one.
Will you knock that off? Lord!
Okay, uh, your fingers.
Um, bubble gum.
- Things you put in your mouth.
- No. Your fingers, a turtle.
Um, a-a little yippy dog.
The back of a girl's bra.
- Things that snap!
- Ah-ha.
- Correct!
- Okay.
Uh, alright, Bubba.
More pie, dear?
Uh, things a waitress says?
No. Uh, get your
feet off the furniture.
Were you raised in a barn?
Good Lord, Bubba, wake
up and smell the coffee!
Things your grandma says!
That's it! We win! We win!
Thelma and Bubba win.
Oh, Lord! I just love this game!
Sure, because you and Bubba
always get the easy categories.
Yeah. And me and Naomi always
gets stuck with the hard ones
like "Things that are round."
Oh, you're just sore losers.
Yeah, well, I'd be sore too,
if I had to do the dishes...
for a week. Ha ha!
That's right. If I were you,
I'd get started right away
because it's gonna
take a jackhammer
to pry that lasagna
out of my Pyrex.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
I don't know, I'm already here.
Good evening, Mrs.
Harper. I'm Warren Peters.
Well, if you're sellin'
insurance, forget it.
I've already told them
they're gettin' nothin' from me.
No, no, no, ma'am. I'm
from the state department.
May I come in?
The state department?
Well, I-I guess so.
- Uh... this is my family.
- Hey.
Miss Harper, your
home has been selected
for Project Heartland.
What the hell's that?
Don't think you're puttin' a
missile in my backyard, sonny.
No, ma'am. Nothing like that.
Project Heartland is a program
whereby Soviet
citizens are invited to visit
typical American
families and their homes.
Ooh, Thelma, what an honor.
You mean a Russian is
gonna stay in our house?
Oh, I hope it's one of
those cute, little gymnasts.
Or one of those sexy ballet men
in those tights
that tell it all.
Will you shut up?
I'm not so sure I want
a stranger in my house.
Mrs. Harper, it's
only for one day.
Your country is asking
for your cooperation.
Well, I cooperate
by payin' taxes.
Let 'em stay at the white house.
Mrs. Harper, you've
been computer selected
to host this particular
Russian woman
who like yourself, is
a domestic engineer.
Wait a minute.
Mama's no engineer.
Oh, he said "Domestic engineer."
Yeah, that's just a fancy name
for someone who scrubs toilets.
Well, let's see. Her name
is Olga Str-Strecknavitch.
Good lord, sounds like somethin'
the doctor would
give you penicillin for.
Mrs. Harper, please. Uncle
Sam is counting on you.
Well, never let it be said
that Thelma Harper shirked
her patriotic duties. Bring her on.
- Ha ha ha! Alright!
- This is so exciting.
Yeah, we'll be the first ones on
our block to have a communist.
Thank you so much, Mrs. Harper.
We know you'll make
Olga feel right at home.
I will, Warren,
it'll be a privilege
to show her how we clean
house in a free country.
How do you say "yellow,
waxy buildup" in Russian?
Ms. Harper, that's the second
time you've polished that table.
You're gonna rub the
grain right out of the wood.
I don't want that Russian
goin' back to Moscow
tellin' all her comrades
I'm a lousy housekeeper.
Okay, grandma, I
got the groceries.
What do you want me to put
out first, the La Vienna cookies
or the barbecue potato chips?
We want to impress
her. Put out both.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Mama, I don't see why
we're goin' to all this trouble.
I'm still not sure about us
having a Russki in our home.
Vint, you weren't sure
about fluorescent lights
when they came out, either.
Well, this is different.
Suppose she's here after
some valuable American secrets.
Like what, Vinton?
Like the password to my lodge.
Shoot, everybody in town
knows your password's a belch.
Knock, knock and help, help!
Well, what the...
- Is she here yet?
- No, not yet.
My lord, Iola.
What in the world you got there?
It's a homemade cake in
the shape of red square.
I call it detente supreme.
What's that little
thing in the middle
that looks like an outhouse?
That's Lenin's Tomb.
You mean he died in
the bathroom, like daddy?
She's here! She's here!
Wow! Look at this limousine.
My lord, a limo?
Lord, I had no idea this
was a state occasion.
Come on, you goons.
Thelma Harper, may I
present, Olga Strecknavitch.
Welcome, Olga!
Hello, Thelma!
Olga, we put out
the red carpet for you.
Good. I clean this first.
Olga, no, no, no.
Come inside.
Da. Is much cleaning
to be done here.
Well, welcome to my filthy home.
Lord, the woman's been in
there for over two hours cleanin'.
Swear, she's a
regular red tornado.
Olga.
- Whoa.
- Okey-dokey.
Kitchen now a number one.
Also fix toaster.
Toast now stay down.
No more popping up.
No. Thank you, Olga,
you shouldn't have.
Sounds mighty suspicious to me.
How do we know our
kitchen isn't bugged?
When I clean, no bugs.
Come on, Bubba, let's go
check it out for ourselves.
Okay, Uncle Vint, but, uh,
ahem, where we gonna look?
Where we least suspect.
He has problem with my cleaning?
No, no, no. He has
problem with his brain.
Olga, why don't you just
come here and sit for a spell?
We made special
refreshments just for you.
Yes. Lookie here, Olga.
It's a cake in the
shape of Red Square.
Very lifelike.
But Lenin's Tomb
looks like outhouse.
That's what I told her.
Oh, such memories.
Oh, Olga, are you homesick?
That's sure. It
must be very hard
bein' so far away
from your family.
No. No family. Live alone.
Am strictly career woman.
Knock, knock!
Olga, in the interest of
cultural exchange and glasnost
I have brought you a gift of
American cleaning products.
Lord. Don't encourage the woman.
You need all this
to clean one house?
Well, of course. Each can
does somethin' different.
See, this is "Grease no
more" and "Mop & Shine"
"Glass so clear, Tile be bright"
"Brick be red," "Dirt be gone."
You got any "Neighbor get lost?"
Is too much.
In Russia we have only
one cleaning product.
- What is that?
- Lye.
Oh-h, wake up and
smell the Smirnoff, honey.
These products are new
and scientific and improved.
See, they have
"Potassium hydroxide"
and "Sodium hydroxide."
By the way, what
are those chemicals?
Lye!
Well, if it is...
I say, if it is lye, it's
new and improved!
Olga.
Olga!
Olga!
Oh.
Hello.
I am liking your
vacuum very much.
It really sucks.
Hold on. Hold on.
Enough already. Lord!
Bet in the past two hours you've
put over 50,000 miles on this.
Now, go on in the kitchen
and fix yourself some lunch.
And stay away from my blender.
Hi, Olga.
Bubala, what are you doing?
Well, I'm making a
baloney sandwich.
Hey, you have baloney
in Russia, don't you?
Oh, yes. But only
for special occasion.
Like Christmas.
Well, see, at first, I put
my baloney on there.
Then I squirt on a
little cheese squeeze.
Ah! Splash on a little mustard.
Dab on some ketchup.
Put your lid on!
And there you go.
Is miracle.
Olga, would you like me
to make you a sandwich?
Is no need. I squeeze my own.
Atta girl, Olga. I got a feelin'
we're gonna Americanize you yet.
Da.
There we go, Olga.
Fiery fuchsia is
really your color.
Your hands are starting to
look, um, almost feminine.
But what is purpose
of nail painting?
So dirt does not show?
No, honey. It's
to drive men wild.
Ah. Do toenails too.
Naomi, what do you...
What do you think of
this bed jacket for mother?
Iola, I think all that lace
would aggravate her Psoriasis.
- Good point.
- What is that you do?
I'm shopping for my
mother's birthday.
You shop from book?
Well, it's a catalog, Olga.
You order things and then
they send 'em to you in the mail.
Oh!
These two men in underwear...
why do they hold up golf club?
Well, they have
no pockets, Olga.
They have to do
something with their hands.
Huh!
Okay, Iola, here's our donation
for the church rummage sale.
I'm sorry but it took me forever
to get Vinton to
part with his dickey.
In America, you
give clothes away?
Oh, sure, if we don't want
to wear them anymore.
Yeah, if there's
somethin' here you see
that you like, Olga,
just help yourself.
You would give this to me?
I could not wear
such fine clothing.
Well, sure you could,
sweetie. Go ahead.
Is there somethin' in
particular you would like?
Maybe something purple
to go with nail painting.
Are you girls thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
- You bet we are!
- Come on, Olga!
We're gonna give you a makeover!
What is makeover?
It's where we start
with a girl like you
and turn her into a silk purse.
What is takin'
you girls so long?
She's coming. She's coming!
These things take time, Vint.
We had to start from scratch.
The woman has no
hair-spray buildup at all.
Wouldn't it be great if
she turned out to look
like Christie Brinkley? Ha ha!
Bubba, cosmetics
can only do so much.
We'll be lucky if she
looks like David Brinkley.
Okay, everybody,
give me a drumroll.
Here she is, Miss
Vladivostok of 1988,
Olga what's-her-name!
♪♪ A pretty girl is
like a melody ♪♪♪♪
Wow! Olga, you look great.
- Thank you... darling.
- I'll tell you what, Olga.
They ain't even gonna
recognize you back in the USSR.
You got that right, Thelma.
Not going to waste looking
so good on the homeland.
I defect.
Olga, please don't
defect in my house.
What will our neighbors say?
Defect in some public place,
like City Hall or the DMV.
Or the mall!
No. Here is where I
learn about America
from all you nice people.
Give me beautiful clothes,
nice gifts like "Brick be red."
Teach me squeeze lunch.
Is miracle country.
I want to go for it.
Oh, this is the most
exciting news I've ever heard.
That's 'cause it isn't
happenin' in your house!
Ma, say, shouldn't we
notify the state department?
Yes. Let's call that
nice Mr. Peters.
Mr. Peters with
rest of delegation
on shopping spree at Kmart.
Say no more. I'll
be back in a flash!
Oh, Olga, welcome.
Welcome to America!
Yeah, land of the free
and the home of the nuts!
Mama, I'm not so
sure about all this.
In a few minutes, our front lawn
could be crawlin'
with CIA, FBI, KGB
and initials we
haven't even heard of.
Vinton, why don't you
shut your face PDQ?
Mr. Peters will settle all
of this when he gets here.
Well, what do we
do in the meantime?
We wait... on pins and needles.
Well, why don't we play a game?
Good idea.
Olga, is there a game
that you would like to play?
Da! Pyramid!
Pyramid? Wait a minute.
You mean you know
The $25,000 Pyramid?
Sure. Dick Clark speak
universal language.
Greed.
Boy, she's becoming
an American quick.
Alright, I'll tell you what.
It'll be you and me
against Vinton and Naomi.
Sit right there. There you go.
Bubba, you can be Dick Clark,
but don't you be a wiseacre.
Okay, well go first.
Naomi, you give
and I'll receive.
And we'll take
"Lover's Leap," Dick.
Okay, Aunt Naomi,
describe for Uncle Vint
these things that lovers do.
Ready? Things that lovers do.
Um, lovers, um...
Kiss.
- Flirt?
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, hold hands.
- Huh!
- Hug.
- Uh-huh.
- Ooh! Ha ha! Ear nibble.
- Yeah.
- Uh, cuddle.
- Uh-huh-uh.
Mmm! Make love.
- Yes!
- Ha ha ha!
Right. Way to go.
You got 'em all.
Well, that was disgustin'.
Could we please
keep this Pyramid PG?
Okay, your turn.
Okay, we will try
"Beach Blanket Bingo."
Okay, grandma, describe
for Olga these things
that you take to the beach.
- Take to the beach.
- Ready?
Things you take to the beach.
Take to the beach!
We got it, Dick.
Go!
Okay, Olga, when
you go to the beach
you lie on this.
Cedar plank.
No, no. You spread
it out in the sand.
- You can dry off with it.
- Newspaper.
We'll pass this one.
Uh, okay, this is easy.
- You rub this on your body.
- Chicken fat.
No, no, uh, it smells
like coconut oil.
Steroids.
No, no. Comes in a bottle.
Vodka!
Vodka? Who takes
vodka to the beach?
Everybody!
Sorry. Time's up.
Go die!
Second round.
Oh, we'll take "Walk on by."
Okay, Uncle Vint,
describe for Aunt Naomi
these parts of a shoe. Ready?
- Parts of a shoe.
- Parts of a shoe.
- Go!
- Okay, Skeeter, what's this?
Heel. Sole. Tongue.
Laces. Toe. Instep. Odor-eaters?
Yes, that's right! We did it!
Wow! Awesome!
Must be some kind of record.
Okay, your turn.
Pick a category, Olga.
- "Room with no view."
- Alright.
Describe for grandma these
things you find in a basement.
Ready? Things you
find... In a basement!
Okay, Dick, we got it!
No problem. Is... snap.
Go!
You give to girl
on graduation day.
A new car! Uh, a dress?
Money? Um, a trip to Europe?
No. Very valuable.
You keep in safe place.
Uh, gold? Silver? Platinum?
No. More valuable.
Diamonds? Pearls?
So valuable, you take
with you on vacation.
Uh, family heirlooms?
Um, pictures?
Uh, silverware?
- Time's up.
- Damn!
- What were you trying?
- Power tools!
Power tools?
Who the hell gives power
tools for a graduation present?
Everybody!
Oh, boy, Ms. Harper, we're
really skunkin' you this time.
Oh, no. This doesn't count.
This was just a practice round.
You say that
every time you lose.
You can't expect her
to play right off the bat!
Good lord, the woman
drinks vodka at the beach!
Forget it, Ms. Harper.
We won fair and square.
Fair, my Aunt Fanny!
Dick Clark would never allow
those smutty clues of yours.
Well, grandma, her
clues weren't smutty.
Oh, go flip your timer.
We're startin' over.
We are not! I'm not
playing with a big loser.
Why not? You sleep with one.
- Don't you start!
- I'm not the loser!
Knock, knock!
Excuse me!
I brought Mr. Peters back.
Oh, Mr. Peters, we were
just playin' a friendly game.
So I heard.
Mr. Peters, so glad
you are coming back.
Want to go home to
Mother Russia. Now.
But I thought you
wanted to stay in America.
I changed my mind.
But, Olga, I don't understand.
Why would you wanna go back?
- You have no family there.
- Exactly.
Sometimes takes
going to another country
seeing the horror there
realize how lucky you are.
Well, how do you like that?
The woman would
prefer exile in Siberia
than living with my family.
Hell, come to think
of it, so would I.
is for The 25,000 Dollar Pyramid.
- Alright.
- Only 30 seconds left.
A tie.
Pearls. A noose.
Things you put around your neck!
- Correct!
- Okay!
Oh, uh, this is a hard one.
Will you knock that off? Lord!
Okay, uh, your fingers.
Um, bubble gum.
- Things you put in your mouth.
- No. Your fingers, a turtle.
Um, a-a little yippy dog.
The back of a girl's bra.
- Things that snap!
- Ah-ha.
- Correct!
- Okay.
Uh, alright, Bubba.
More pie, dear?
Uh, things a waitress says?
No. Uh, get your
feet off the furniture.
Were you raised in a barn?
Good Lord, Bubba, wake
up and smell the coffee!
Things your grandma says!
That's it! We win! We win!
Thelma and Bubba win.
Oh, Lord! I just love this game!
Sure, because you and Bubba
always get the easy categories.
Yeah. And me and Naomi always
gets stuck with the hard ones
like "Things that are round."
Oh, you're just sore losers.
Yeah, well, I'd be sore too,
if I had to do the dishes...
for a week. Ha ha!
That's right. If I were you,
I'd get started right away
because it's gonna
take a jackhammer
to pry that lasagna
out of my Pyrex.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
I don't know, I'm already here.
Good evening, Mrs.
Harper. I'm Warren Peters.
Well, if you're sellin'
insurance, forget it.
I've already told them
they're gettin' nothin' from me.
No, no, no, ma'am. I'm
from the state department.
May I come in?
The state department?
Well, I-I guess so.
- Uh... this is my family.
- Hey.
Miss Harper, your
home has been selected
for Project Heartland.
What the hell's that?
Don't think you're puttin' a
missile in my backyard, sonny.
No, ma'am. Nothing like that.
Project Heartland is a program
whereby Soviet
citizens are invited to visit
typical American
families and their homes.
Ooh, Thelma, what an honor.
You mean a Russian is
gonna stay in our house?
Oh, I hope it's one of
those cute, little gymnasts.
Or one of those sexy ballet men
in those tights
that tell it all.
Will you shut up?
I'm not so sure I want
a stranger in my house.
Mrs. Harper, it's
only for one day.
Your country is asking
for your cooperation.
Well, I cooperate
by payin' taxes.
Let 'em stay at the white house.
Mrs. Harper, you've
been computer selected
to host this particular
Russian woman
who like yourself, is
a domestic engineer.
Wait a minute.
Mama's no engineer.
Oh, he said "Domestic engineer."
Yeah, that's just a fancy name
for someone who scrubs toilets.
Well, let's see. Her name
is Olga Str-Strecknavitch.
Good lord, sounds like somethin'
the doctor would
give you penicillin for.
Mrs. Harper, please. Uncle
Sam is counting on you.
Well, never let it be said
that Thelma Harper shirked
her patriotic duties. Bring her on.
- Ha ha ha! Alright!
- This is so exciting.
Yeah, we'll be the first ones on
our block to have a communist.
Thank you so much, Mrs. Harper.
We know you'll make
Olga feel right at home.
I will, Warren,
it'll be a privilege
to show her how we clean
house in a free country.
How do you say "yellow,
waxy buildup" in Russian?
Ms. Harper, that's the second
time you've polished that table.
You're gonna rub the
grain right out of the wood.
I don't want that Russian
goin' back to Moscow
tellin' all her comrades
I'm a lousy housekeeper.
Okay, grandma, I
got the groceries.
What do you want me to put
out first, the La Vienna cookies
or the barbecue potato chips?
We want to impress
her. Put out both.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Mama, I don't see why
we're goin' to all this trouble.
I'm still not sure about us
having a Russki in our home.
Vint, you weren't sure
about fluorescent lights
when they came out, either.
Well, this is different.
Suppose she's here after
some valuable American secrets.
Like what, Vinton?
Like the password to my lodge.
Shoot, everybody in town
knows your password's a belch.
Knock, knock and help, help!
Well, what the...
- Is she here yet?
- No, not yet.
My lord, Iola.
What in the world you got there?
It's a homemade cake in
the shape of red square.
I call it detente supreme.
What's that little
thing in the middle
that looks like an outhouse?
That's Lenin's Tomb.
You mean he died in
the bathroom, like daddy?
She's here! She's here!
Wow! Look at this limousine.
My lord, a limo?
Lord, I had no idea this
was a state occasion.
Come on, you goons.
Thelma Harper, may I
present, Olga Strecknavitch.
Welcome, Olga!
Hello, Thelma!
Olga, we put out
the red carpet for you.
Good. I clean this first.
Olga, no, no, no.
Come inside.
Da. Is much cleaning
to be done here.
Well, welcome to my filthy home.
Lord, the woman's been in
there for over two hours cleanin'.
Swear, she's a
regular red tornado.
Olga.
- Whoa.
- Okey-dokey.
Kitchen now a number one.
Also fix toaster.
Toast now stay down.
No more popping up.
No. Thank you, Olga,
you shouldn't have.
Sounds mighty suspicious to me.
How do we know our
kitchen isn't bugged?
When I clean, no bugs.
Come on, Bubba, let's go
check it out for ourselves.
Okay, Uncle Vint, but, uh,
ahem, where we gonna look?
Where we least suspect.
He has problem with my cleaning?
No, no, no. He has
problem with his brain.
Olga, why don't you just
come here and sit for a spell?
We made special
refreshments just for you.
Yes. Lookie here, Olga.
It's a cake in the
shape of Red Square.
Very lifelike.
But Lenin's Tomb
looks like outhouse.
That's what I told her.
Oh, such memories.
Oh, Olga, are you homesick?
That's sure. It
must be very hard
bein' so far away
from your family.
No. No family. Live alone.
Am strictly career woman.
Knock, knock!
Olga, in the interest of
cultural exchange and glasnost
I have brought you a gift of
American cleaning products.
Lord. Don't encourage the woman.
You need all this
to clean one house?
Well, of course. Each can
does somethin' different.
See, this is "Grease no
more" and "Mop & Shine"
"Glass so clear, Tile be bright"
"Brick be red," "Dirt be gone."
You got any "Neighbor get lost?"
Is too much.
In Russia we have only
one cleaning product.
- What is that?
- Lye.
Oh-h, wake up and
smell the Smirnoff, honey.
These products are new
and scientific and improved.
See, they have
"Potassium hydroxide"
and "Sodium hydroxide."
By the way, what
are those chemicals?
Lye!
Well, if it is...
I say, if it is lye, it's
new and improved!
Olga.
Olga!
Olga!
Oh.
Hello.
I am liking your
vacuum very much.
It really sucks.
Hold on. Hold on.
Enough already. Lord!
Bet in the past two hours you've
put over 50,000 miles on this.
Now, go on in the kitchen
and fix yourself some lunch.
And stay away from my blender.
Hi, Olga.
Bubala, what are you doing?
Well, I'm making a
baloney sandwich.
Hey, you have baloney
in Russia, don't you?
Oh, yes. But only
for special occasion.
Like Christmas.
Well, see, at first, I put
my baloney on there.
Then I squirt on a
little cheese squeeze.
Ah! Splash on a little mustard.
Dab on some ketchup.
Put your lid on!
And there you go.
Is miracle.
Olga, would you like me
to make you a sandwich?
Is no need. I squeeze my own.
Atta girl, Olga. I got a feelin'
we're gonna Americanize you yet.
Da.
There we go, Olga.
Fiery fuchsia is
really your color.
Your hands are starting to
look, um, almost feminine.
But what is purpose
of nail painting?
So dirt does not show?
No, honey. It's
to drive men wild.
Ah. Do toenails too.
Naomi, what do you...
What do you think of
this bed jacket for mother?
Iola, I think all that lace
would aggravate her Psoriasis.
- Good point.
- What is that you do?
I'm shopping for my
mother's birthday.
You shop from book?
Well, it's a catalog, Olga.
You order things and then
they send 'em to you in the mail.
Oh!
These two men in underwear...
why do they hold up golf club?
Well, they have
no pockets, Olga.
They have to do
something with their hands.
Huh!
Okay, Iola, here's our donation
for the church rummage sale.
I'm sorry but it took me forever
to get Vinton to
part with his dickey.
In America, you
give clothes away?
Oh, sure, if we don't want
to wear them anymore.
Yeah, if there's
somethin' here you see
that you like, Olga,
just help yourself.
You would give this to me?
I could not wear
such fine clothing.
Well, sure you could,
sweetie. Go ahead.
Is there somethin' in
particular you would like?
Maybe something purple
to go with nail painting.
Are you girls thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
- You bet we are!
- Come on, Olga!
We're gonna give you a makeover!
What is makeover?
It's where we start
with a girl like you
and turn her into a silk purse.
What is takin'
you girls so long?
She's coming. She's coming!
These things take time, Vint.
We had to start from scratch.
The woman has no
hair-spray buildup at all.
Wouldn't it be great if
she turned out to look
like Christie Brinkley? Ha ha!
Bubba, cosmetics
can only do so much.
We'll be lucky if she
looks like David Brinkley.
Okay, everybody,
give me a drumroll.
Here she is, Miss
Vladivostok of 1988,
Olga what's-her-name!
♪♪ A pretty girl is
like a melody ♪♪♪♪
Wow! Olga, you look great.
- Thank you... darling.
- I'll tell you what, Olga.
They ain't even gonna
recognize you back in the USSR.
You got that right, Thelma.
Not going to waste looking
so good on the homeland.
I defect.
Olga, please don't
defect in my house.
What will our neighbors say?
Defect in some public place,
like City Hall or the DMV.
Or the mall!
No. Here is where I
learn about America
from all you nice people.
Give me beautiful clothes,
nice gifts like "Brick be red."
Teach me squeeze lunch.
Is miracle country.
I want to go for it.
Oh, this is the most
exciting news I've ever heard.
That's 'cause it isn't
happenin' in your house!
Ma, say, shouldn't we
notify the state department?
Yes. Let's call that
nice Mr. Peters.
Mr. Peters with
rest of delegation
on shopping spree at Kmart.
Say no more. I'll
be back in a flash!
Oh, Olga, welcome.
Welcome to America!
Yeah, land of the free
and the home of the nuts!
Mama, I'm not so
sure about all this.
In a few minutes, our front lawn
could be crawlin'
with CIA, FBI, KGB
and initials we
haven't even heard of.
Vinton, why don't you
shut your face PDQ?
Mr. Peters will settle all
of this when he gets here.
Well, what do we
do in the meantime?
We wait... on pins and needles.
Well, why don't we play a game?
Good idea.
Olga, is there a game
that you would like to play?
Da! Pyramid!
Pyramid? Wait a minute.
You mean you know
The $25,000 Pyramid?
Sure. Dick Clark speak
universal language.
Greed.
Boy, she's becoming
an American quick.
Alright, I'll tell you what.
It'll be you and me
against Vinton and Naomi.
Sit right there. There you go.
Bubba, you can be Dick Clark,
but don't you be a wiseacre.
Okay, well go first.
Naomi, you give
and I'll receive.
And we'll take
"Lover's Leap," Dick.
Okay, Aunt Naomi,
describe for Uncle Vint
these things that lovers do.
Ready? Things that lovers do.
Um, lovers, um...
Kiss.
- Flirt?
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, hold hands.
- Huh!
- Hug.
- Uh-huh.
- Ooh! Ha ha! Ear nibble.
- Yeah.
- Uh, cuddle.
- Uh-huh-uh.
Mmm! Make love.
- Yes!
- Ha ha ha!
Right. Way to go.
You got 'em all.
Well, that was disgustin'.
Could we please
keep this Pyramid PG?
Okay, your turn.
Okay, we will try
"Beach Blanket Bingo."
Okay, grandma, describe
for Olga these things
that you take to the beach.
- Take to the beach.
- Ready?
Things you take to the beach.
Take to the beach!
We got it, Dick.
Go!
Okay, Olga, when
you go to the beach
you lie on this.
Cedar plank.
No, no. You spread
it out in the sand.
- You can dry off with it.
- Newspaper.
We'll pass this one.
Uh, okay, this is easy.
- You rub this on your body.
- Chicken fat.
No, no, uh, it smells
like coconut oil.
Steroids.
No, no. Comes in a bottle.
Vodka!
Vodka? Who takes
vodka to the beach?
Everybody!
Sorry. Time's up.
Go die!
Second round.
Oh, we'll take "Walk on by."
Okay, Uncle Vint,
describe for Aunt Naomi
these parts of a shoe. Ready?
- Parts of a shoe.
- Parts of a shoe.
- Go!
- Okay, Skeeter, what's this?
Heel. Sole. Tongue.
Laces. Toe. Instep. Odor-eaters?
Yes, that's right! We did it!
Wow! Awesome!
Must be some kind of record.
Okay, your turn.
Pick a category, Olga.
- "Room with no view."
- Alright.
Describe for grandma these
things you find in a basement.
Ready? Things you
find... In a basement!
Okay, Dick, we got it!
No problem. Is... snap.
Go!
You give to girl
on graduation day.
A new car! Uh, a dress?
Money? Um, a trip to Europe?
No. Very valuable.
You keep in safe place.
Uh, gold? Silver? Platinum?
No. More valuable.
Diamonds? Pearls?
So valuable, you take
with you on vacation.
Uh, family heirlooms?
Um, pictures?
Uh, silverware?
- Time's up.
- Damn!
- What were you trying?
- Power tools!
Power tools?
Who the hell gives power
tools for a graduation present?
Everybody!
Oh, boy, Ms. Harper, we're
really skunkin' you this time.
Oh, no. This doesn't count.
This was just a practice round.
You say that
every time you lose.
You can't expect her
to play right off the bat!
Good lord, the woman
drinks vodka at the beach!
Forget it, Ms. Harper.
We won fair and square.
Fair, my Aunt Fanny!
Dick Clark would never allow
those smutty clues of yours.
Well, grandma, her
clues weren't smutty.
Oh, go flip your timer.
We're startin' over.
We are not! I'm not
playing with a big loser.
Why not? You sleep with one.
- Don't you start!
- I'm not the loser!
Knock, knock!
Excuse me!
I brought Mr. Peters back.
Oh, Mr. Peters, we were
just playin' a friendly game.
So I heard.
Mr. Peters, so glad
you are coming back.
Want to go home to
Mother Russia. Now.
But I thought you
wanted to stay in America.
I changed my mind.
But, Olga, I don't understand.
Why would you wanna go back?
- You have no family there.
- Exactly.
Sometimes takes
going to another country
seeing the horror there
realize how lucky you are.
Well, how do you like that?
The woman would
prefer exile in Siberia
than living with my family.
Hell, come to think
of it, so would I.