Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 4, Episode 1 - Educating Mama - full transcript

Thelma reveals that she never finished high school because the professor humiliated her in front of the class. To inspire Bubba to get his diploma, Thelma enrolls in night school to get hers as well. But all doesn't go well when she clashes with the new professor and is faced with the challenge of giving a report on The Scarlet Letter.

Mama, do you need
any help in there?

Sounds like she's
got it under control.

Is Thelma upset about somethin'?

Well, either that, or she's
startin' a one-woman band.

Well, who's she mad at?

She's been like
this all afternoon.

You don't think it's 'cause we
owe her three months' back rent?

Nah, she's used to that by now.

Oh, I hope it isn't me.

I did borrow her good pinkin'
shears to trim daddy's hair.

But I'm sure I wiped
off all the Brylcreem.



Alright, enough
chitchat. Let's eat.

Is there somethin' you'd
like to get off your chest?

I'd rather not talk about it.

The dinner table's
no place for anger.

Hey, everybody, you'll
never guess the great news!

And just where the hell
have you been, Mr. Higgins?

- I knew it wasn't me.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

But guess what? I
made the swimmin' team!

- Hey, way to go, Bubba!
- That is great, Bubba!

What's the matter? Don't you
want me on the swimmin' team?

You better be a
little more concerned

about sinkin' than swimmin'.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I got a
phone call today



from your school
counselor, Mrs. Ellroy

who informed me that you
will not be graduatin' this year.

Well, of course, I'm gonna
graduate. I'm a senior.

A senior who
flunked junior English

and didn't make it
up in summer school.

Grandma, it's not natural to
go to school in the summertime.

That's when a guy's supposed
to give his brain a rest.

From what, flunkin' English?

Bubba, there must be
somethin' you can do.

There certainly is. He can
make up that class in night school.

Only losers go to night school!

I wouldn't be caught dead
goin' to school after dark!

Well, dead or
alive, you are goin'.

And you're gonna
get that diploma

because without it, you'll
never amount to anything.

- Am I right?
- Not necessarily.

Oh, who asked you?

Well, my boss down at Kwik Keys

only went through
the sixth grade

and he is a successful
business executive.

Vinton, a man
who sleeps on a cot

in the back of a key
shop is no Lee Iacocca.

Well, I don't know, Ms. Harper.

I never use half the stuff
I learned in high school.

That's because most of
the stuff you learned there

you picked up in
the backseat of a car.

No, I am talkin' about

chemistry and
algebra and geometry.

Here I am, the head
checker in a supermarket

and I don't even have to add.

The machine does it for me.

So what did I need
all that schoolin' for?

Yeah, there, you see, grandma?

What I see is a key grinder
and a canned-goods jockey.

I'd hoped you'd set your
sights a little bit higher than that.

Grandma, why are you so hung
up on me gettin' my diploma?

Because I don't want
you to end up like me!

I never got one.

Well, Thelma..

Mama, I didn't know
you didn't graduate.

Well, it's not
somethin' I'm proud of.

A diploma might not seem
like much when you got one

but when you
don't, it looms large.

So you're gonna
march yourself down

to that class
tomorrow night, mister.

It's too late for
me, but not for you.

Thelma, it is not too
late for you either.

That's right! You
could go to night school.

I cannot. I'm too old.

Well, not for night school.

They take any age as long
as you're dumb enough.

Yeah, grandma, if night school's
so great, why don't you go too?

I got a house to run,
a million things to do!

Ain't got time for night school!

I got courses, a part-time
job, plus the swimmin' team.

I don't have time either.

If you swim a bit faster

I'm sure you can find
one extra hour in your day.

If you dust a little bit
faster I'm sure you can too.

Well, fine. Maybe I will.

Well, fine! Then I will too!

- Good!
- Good! See you in class!

Fine! See you in class!

Isn't this the sweetest thing?

A grandmother and a grandson
goin' to school together?

Oh, shut up and pass
the damn biscuits.

Well, this one makes
me look younger..

But this one makes
me look smarter.

Oh, shoot, who am I kiddin'?

I ain't gonna fit
in with these kids

even if I spike my hair and
get orthopedic Reeboks.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Thelma, I'm so glad

you and Bubba haven't
left for night school.

Bubba left a half an hour ago.

He didn't want to be seen
with a creakin' old coed like me.

I-I made you a gift for
your first night in class.

Well, Iola, how sweet.

Well, what have we here?

It's a decoupage
fold over keeper.

That's exactly what
I thought it was.

Oh, see, I made a
back-to-school motif on the cover.

Oh, I get it...

An apple for the
teacher. C-A-T cat.

- Isn't this somethin'?
- Oh, the best part's inside.

See, I made little compartments
for all of your supplies.

This is for your pencils
and your paper clips

and your cough drops

and your Kleenex and
your reinforcements...

I get the idea, Iola.

Oh, my goodness,
aren't we touchy tonight.

You'd be touchy too if
you were goin' to school

for the first time in 50 years.

Oh, for heaven sakes,
Thelma, you'll do just fine.

That's because you don't
know about me and teachers.

You and teachers?
What's the problem?

Why do you think I
didn't finish high school?

'Cause of some old
picklepuss teacher..

Mr. Pusey.

- Oh, really, what was he like?
- Awful!

The kinda teacher who'd
ask you for an answer

even when your hand wasn't up.

Oh, I hated that.

It wasn't fair to those of us
who always had our hand up.

He was in his glory too.

When we were studying
"The Scarlet Letter"

I couldn't get past the
first page of that book

and old Pusey knew it.

He moved in on me like
a shark at feedin' time.

Started askin' me question
after question after question.

- Could you answer any?
- Not a one.

I thought "The Scarlet Letter"
was a book about red stationery.

Oh, you poor, simple soul.

Well, what happened then?

He made me stand
in front of the class

and then he says
to me sarcastically

"Thelma Mae, you
know the difference

"between your brain and manure?

"Manure can be useful."

Oh, Thelma!

- What did you do?
- Well, what could I do?

I burst into tears and
I ran out of classroom

and I never come back.

Oh, Thelma, that's terrible.

Well, no wonder you're
nervous about school

you have been traumatized.

Mama, are you still here?

Your class starts
in ten minutes.

Come on, now. You
don't wanna be tardy.

Don't rush me! I've
been traumatized.

No excuses, little lady.

Remember how you made
me get to school on time?

Well, now it's my turn.

- So come on, let's go.
- Alright, alright.

- Come on, come on...
- I'm goin', I'm goin'!

You better have cookies and
milk waiting for me when I get back!

Good luck...

To begin this evening

I'd like to make it
crystal clear that...

You there...

Mr. Buford... are
you chewing gum?

Yes, sir.

Not in my class.

Take it out at once
and deposit it...

on the end of your nose.

That'll do.

Just because this
is remedial English

does not mean that we're
going to party every night.

Now, for the rules.

In addition to no gum chewing...

you will come... to class...

prepared...

and... on time.

I can excuse ignorance

I can excuse contention,
but I cannot excuse tardiness.

Excuse me.

Who are you?

I'm Thelma Harper.

I'm in this class.

Correction, Ms. Harper...

you're sneaking
in this class... late.

Well, that's not my fault, sir.

I couldn't find a parking spot

so I had to go on
Magnolia and walk back.

Then about halfway
here I realized

I forgot my folder keeper.

So, all the way back I had to...

Stop! I don't care
about any of this.

Well, I guess not. You've
got your own parkin' space.

Ms. Harper, you have
wasted my valuable time

and that of every other
member of the class.

Don't you know tempus fugit?

Isn't she one of the Cosby kids?

Sit!

Do you believe they let
an old lady come to school?

Yeah, what a joke. Glad
she's not my grandma.

Well, good Lord. You ought
to have that thing lanced.

Ms. Harper, since
you have the attention

of the entire class

perhaps you'd
like to share with us

some of your favorite authors.

Oh, well, uh...

let me see now.

Uh... there's, uh...

Arthur Godfrey...
and Arthur Treacher...

and Arthur Murray.

I just love the way

he and Catherine used to samba.

Ms. Harper, I was asking
what writers you admire.

Oh, thank heaven,
'cause I thought

that Arthur question was dumb.

Would you like to
come here and teach?

No, not on the first night.

Well, in that case, we'll go
ahead to our first assignment

which is one of the
great American novels

and one of my
personal favorites.

No kidding. I can't
wait to get crackin'.

- What's it called?
- "The Scarlet Letter."

Uh-oh.

Hey, Mama.

How's your studyin' goin'?

It isn't goin' anywhere.

I've been on the same page

and the same piece of
rug for over an hour now.

Well, keep up the good work and
don't worry about making dinner

because Naomi is
takin' care of that.

- At eight in the mornin'?
- Yup.

She's makin' a stew
in your simmer cooker.

My simmer cooker! Good Lord!

That thing cost me
four books of stamps!

Naomi!

Hold on. You sure you
know what you're doin'?

Hush now, Ms. Harper.
Don't disturb my concentration.

I'm just about to
mix my ingredients.

- Canned stew?
- That's just the base.

For your information, this is
my famous international stew.

It's got French-cut green beans.

Ooh la la.

Mexicorn.

Ole!

Sauerkraut.

Jawohl!

And for the piece of resistance

from Italy...

SpaghettiOs!

Hey, skeeter,
it's gettin' late...

Oh, that smells good.

Yeah, if you like
international heartburn.

I'll have you know I opened

all of those cans by hand.

Oh, now, Mama was just kiddin'.

I'm sure she appreciates
all you've done.

Yeah, yeah, of course, I
do. Thanks a lot, Naomi.

Bye, Mama.

Lord, I hope this doesn't eat
through the linin' of my cooker.

Last time I smelled
somethin' like this,

I was gettin' a home perm.

Mmm, what smells so good?

Naomi's international
dinner in a drum.

So, grandma, did you finish
"The Scarlet Letter" yet?

Tucker's quizzin' us
on it tonight, you know.

Oh, I know, I know.
Don't remind me.

You got through all this
"thee" and "thou" junk?

I didn't have to. I
used "Ray Notes."

Which one was Ray, the
one with the gum on his nose?

No, grandma, "Ray Notes."

See this one tells all
about "The Scarlet Letter."

It gives you the characters,
the setting, and the story.

The thing they leave
out is the writing.

Let me see this.

In the back, they give
answers to the questions

teachers ask most.

Well, isn't this cheatin'?

Heck no. All the kids do it.

Well, I guess I just must
be old-fashioned, Bubba.

To me, usin' "Ray Notes"
is a bit like Naomi's stew.

It might be quick and
easy, but in the long run

I got a feeling it's gonna
be awful hard to swallow.

Okay, grandma. I
was just tryin' to help.

- I gotta get off to school.
- Bye-bye, sweetie.

Happy reading.

I'll be readin', but
I won't be happy.

Not even so much as a
picture to give you a clue.

Knock, knock.

Mmm, what smells so good?

I swear I could boil
gym socks in this kitchen

and everybody
would want a taste.

Well, what's the matter with...

Are you still on the first page?

I'm still on the first sentence.

I swear, Iola, I'm
beginning to think

my problem in high school
wasn't Mr. Pusey. It was me.

Thelma Harper, how
can you say that?

You are one of the
brightest people I know.

Why, you read all the time
and books twice this size.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But
those ain't masterpieces.

Those are spicy romance novels.

Well, "The Scarlet
Letter" is a romance

and just chock-full of spice.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, Thelma, don't you know

why Hester wore that
letter A on her blouse?

She was a cheerleader?

No. She was an adulteress.

You mean in those
days they advertised?

Oh, no, it was a punishment.

She had a child out of wedlock.

- No.
- Yes!

And by the minister
of the church.

Good Lord, this thing sounds
better than "The Thorn Birds."

Alright, time to work.

Now, tonight, we're gonna
be discussing some of the...

That bell was 30 seconds fast.

Alright, class.

How many of you
completed the assignment

and read "The Scarlet Letter?"

Excellent. And who wants to
answer some questions on it?

Good. That means I get to pick.

Alright, to begin... how
does "The Scarlet Letter"

depict the role of
women in Puritan society?

I know! I know!

- Uh... Ms. Applegate.
- Oh, shoot.

Uh-h-h, the role of
women in Puritan society...

Well, the way I see it is

uh, women in Puritan society

led a very...
circumscribed existence.

I see.

Does anyone wish
to elaborate on that?

Oh, oh! Me, me!

- Mr. Buford.
- Damn.

Well... I guess I
would have to say

circumscribed too.

Surely someone has something
else to say on the subject.

Right here! Right here!

- Mr. Higgins.
- What am I, invisible?

Well, Mr. Tucker

it sounds pretty
circumscribed to me.

Well, I guess there's nothing
more to say on the subject.

No! No! No.

You seem to
disagree, Ms. Harper.

What is your opinion

of the way women were
treated in Puritan times?

It was hell on Earth!

Lord, them men ran
roughshod over poor Hester!

Well, sure, she had
a kid out of wedlock

and I'm not sayin'
that I approve...

but, good Lord, nowadays
every actress on "Johnny Carson"

tells the world
she's done the same

and gets a standing ovation.

Could we leave Mr. Carson

and get back to
"The Scarlet Letter?"

Just what about that letter?

How come Hester was the
only one who had to wear that A?

It takes two to tango, you know.

I think Reverend Dimmesdale
was a spineless jellyfish

not to admit that hyperactive
little Pearl was his.

I tell you, it's the
same old story

choose 'em, use
'em, and abuse 'em.

You men are scum.

Please, Ms. Harper,
I hardly knew Hester.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

It's just that this book
got me all riled up.

So I see.

Anyone else feel angered
having read "The Scarlet Letter?"

Looks like you're
in the minority.

Would you stand up in front
of the class, Ms. Harper?

Well, now, maybe
scum was a little strong.

Do you know the
difference between you

and the rest of this class?

Does it have anything
to do with manure?

The difference... is
that Ms. Harper read...

Nathaniel Hawthorne's
"The Scarlet Letter."

And the rest of you read
Irving Glatman's "Ray Notes."

Does this mean
you're not mad at me?

Mad at you?

Ms. Harper, you've shown us

the passion and the excitement

and the power
contained in this book.

Students like you make
teaching a pleasure.

Bravo, Ms. Harper.

That's my grandma.

You keep this up, and
you'll be getting an A.

Oh, well, what do
you know about that?

Now let's continue.
If we believe...

- Mr. Tucker, about that A.
- Yes.

I won't have to wear
it on my chest, will I?

You guys should've
seen grandma in action.

She was the star of the class.

Well, I wouldn't
say star exactly.

Us intellectuals are
more like luminaries.

Way to go, Mama.
We're real proud of you.

We certainly are, Ms. Harper.

It'll be a lotta work, but it's
worth it to get that diploma.

Yeah, that's right, Mama.

And then you'll be
just as smart as we are.

Great, Vinton, 25
weeks of classes

just to be declared brain-dead.