Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 9 - An Ill Wind - full transcript

Oh, wake up, baby.

It's time to rise and shine!

Hmm. Hey, Skeeter.
What's the occasion?

Oh, just my favorite holiday
of the whole year is all.

It's Thanksgivin'!

And do you know what I
am most thankful for of all?

What?

That I get to spend this

entire day off in the arms

of the man I love.

Vinton, Naomi, you're
missin' the Macy's parade!



Bullwinkle's already
come and gone!

Well, good Lord, are
you two still in bed?

I am upstairs
single-handedly tryin'

to prepare the biggest
meal of the year

and you two are down here

playin' turkey in the straw.

Okay, mama. We'll get
goin' right after breakfast.

Breakfast was over an hour ago.

Vinton, you gotta go out
and pick up Aunt Effie.

And, missy, I want you to
get this pigsty cleaned up.

This is our personal
boudoir, Ms. Harper

and I think it looks just fine.

That's because all you
ever see of it is the ceilin'.

Oh! Oh...



O-okay, Tom, old feller.

Get under your
little tent there.

Here we go.

Mama's sendin' you
off to Camp Hot Point.

Knock, knock, Thelma.

Well, oh, what in
the world is all of this?

Well, I couldn't just invite
myself to Thanksgivin' dinner

without bringin'
a little somethin'.

Well, I still don't know
why you didn't wanna go

to the Boylen family
reunion with your parents.

Oh, I hate those things.

All the married cousins
end up sittin' together

and I get stuck
at the kiddie table.

Besides, I couldn't leave
Herman home alone.

Herman's a goldfish, Iola.

When you live in
a bowl full of water

bein' alone is
what it's all about.

Happy Thanksgivin', everybody!

Ms. Harper, look what I got off

the hams-and-yams
display at Food Circus.

Won't it make a
nice centerpiece?

Well, yeah, maybe if
your Thanksgivin' table's

on aisle seven.

I don't want that
thing in my dinin' room.

But look at the
way the little turkey

swings around.
It's just adorable!

Naomi, I ain't got time to
watch a turkey put on a show!

I'm just tryin' to help.

Well, if you wanna help, get
over there and finish dryin' off

my mama's good
china. And be careful.

My! Would you look at that sky?

Yeah, that's a doozy of a
storm blowin' up out there.

No, it is not.

It may rain and snow in
other cities on Thanksgivin'

but in Raytown, the
sun always shines.

That was just a sonic boom.

Oh, I hope Herman is alright.
He hates sudden noises.

How can you tell
with a goldfish?

- Oh, no!
- What?

Oh, my goodness! I broke
Ms. Harper's good gravy boat.

- She is gonna kill me!
- Oh!

Maybe in the excitement
of the day, she won't miss it.

Do you really think so?

Either that or she'll kill you.

Naomi's finishin' up the dishes.

I had nothin' to do with them.

Grandma! Grandma!

Bubba, in this house we do not

yell at each other
through closed doors.

So what the hell do you want?

I'm not appearin' in
public in this dopey outfit!

Well, Thelma, you didn't tell me

this was a costume dinner.

Bubba's gonna be a
pilgrim in the all-city pageant

down at the Ray
River this afternoon.

This whole thing is dumb.

Oh, you should be proud.

Representin' the forefathers
of our country is an honor.

No, I have to do it 'cause I
got caught skippin' school.

It also makes a
dandy punishment.

He's even got words
to say in everything.

Go ahead. Do your part, Bubba.

Okay, well, I'm the first one

to spot Plymouth Rock
so I say, "Land ho!"

He's got it memorized
and everything.

Well, I guess I better
get to rehearsal.

Okay, now, we're all gonna
be there watching you.

So you be sure you do good
now. Don't make us ashamed.

Hey, maybe I should wait
and see if it's called off for rain.

Horse pucky! It never rains
in Raytown on Thanksgivin'.

That's just a
measly, little drizzle.

Well, it's more of
a mist than a rain.

Well, will you knock it off?

Oh, I hope Vint and Aunt
Effie are alright out in this storm.

It never storms in
Raytown on Thanksgivin'.

That's just a little sprinkle.

I hope Vinton 's
pickup doesn't get stuck

in all of this Thanksgivin'
Day sunshine.

You suppose your Aunt Effie

is gonna bring her
infamous rum balls?

Don't worry, we're safe.

Them little rocks are
her Christmas specialty.

Oh, Thelma, this
looks just grand.

Well, not without
my good gravy boat.

I could swear I had it in
the kitchen this mornin'

and I can't find it
in no place now.

My table looks naked without it.

Oh, I don't think you
need that old gravy boat.

It wouldn't go that good

with your mama's
nice crystal and silver.

Yeah, it's such a lovely legacy.

I guess that's what mothers
and daughters are all about.

Yeah, enduring a lifetime
of heartache and criticism

just so she can set a
nice table once a year.

Oh! Here they come!

Oh! Oh! I was so
worried about you!

Oh! Woo! Boy!

It's really bad out there.

I heard on the radio, there
was a tornado warning.

- A tornado!
- Oh, by word!

Oh, them weather
people get all worked up

over a little rain and a
little breeze. Right, Effie?

Worst storm I was ever in.

But good news. The
rum balls are fine.

Swell, I'll just serve
these after supper

if people still have room.

Mama, they've set up
an evacuation center

over at the high school.
Maybe we ought to go.

The Whitakers next
door have packed up

and they're on their way.

Them Whitakers are nuts!

While we're havin' our
lovely Thanksgivin' dinner

they are gonna be fightin'
over Red Cross coffee and a cot.

Well, Bubba, good Lord!

Bubba, what in the
world happened to you?

Bubba, say somethin'.

Land ho!

Oh, honey, I think we
better get out of here

before it gets any worse!

- Oh! Oh!
- It's worse!

Alright, everybody, down
to the basement! Quick!

Down to the basement! Hurry up!

- Hurry!
- Oh!

Effie, get the lead out!

Thelma, where's your gravy boat?

Will you get in the
damn basement? Oh!

Come on. Hurry up. Come on.

Lord, I should've known!

Every time this family gets
together there's a disaster.

Oh!

Lord! Whoever would've thought
it would rain on Thanksgivin'?

Rain? Rain?

Ms. Harper, it wasn't rain
that blew out that window.

You don't have to hide
down in the basement

when it's rainin'. This is
a tornado! It's a tornado!

Well, it's just a little
teeny-weeny one.

I'll bet it doesn't
even touch down.

You never know with tornadoes.

- They strike on a whim.
- Oh, shut up.

I heard about a tornado
once. It hit a 7-Eleven.

All that was left was
the Slurpee machine.

You remember that tornado
that hit Uncle Clyde's farm?

It drove a 2-by-4 right
through one of his cows.

Yeah, do you know, to this day

that cow's milk tastes
just like Pine-Sol.

Will you ghouls knock it off?

You're scarin' the
stuffin' out of me.

Now nothin' is
gonna happen to us.

Now, listen. You see how
quiet it's gotten all of a sudden?

I told you.

I'm just gonna go upstairs
and baste my turkey.

The hell with the
bird! We're gonna die!

What was that?

Sounds like the whole house

is cavin' in on our heads.

Oh! Come on! Take cover!

Now, there is no
need for panic here.

There's no reason to be afraid.

Bubba, go up and
see what happened.

Why me?

Well, alright.
Alright, scaredy-cat.

If you're afraid, we'll both go.

Wha...

It's stuck, Uncle
Vint! It won't open!

Stand aside, Bubba.
I'll take care of this.

Oh! Oh-oh-oh!

- Oh, Vinton. What is it?
- My shoulder.

Not that, you
imbecile! My house!

Well, we can't tell, grandma.
The door won't budge!

There's somethin'
wedged against it!

Yeah, somethin'
massive. Like the roof!

I knew it, I knew it!
My home is destroyed!

My showplace is
gone with the wind!

And we're trapped.

Trapped like rats!

Even the windows have bars!

- Trapped!
- Trapped!

Tra-a-a-pped!

Get a grip on yourselves!

Alright, so we are
buried down here

in this filthy hellhole.

The least we can do

is die with a little dignity.

Boy, oh, boy, who
needs the Odor-eaters?

Oh, there's got to
be a way out of here.

If only we had an old spoon,
we could dig our way out.

Real good, Vinton, if
you had a bar of soap

you could carve a gun
and shoot your way out.

Vinton is just tryin' to
be helpful, Ms. Harper.

If we had listened to
him in the first place

we could be sittin'
in the gym right now

havin' donuts and coffee.

Yeah, or sittin' in the car

with a 2-by-4 through our necks.

Right now, I'd
risk it for a donut.

Wouldn't even have to be jelly.

Yeah, you think you're hungry?

Me and Naomi didn't
even get breakfast.

Thanks a lot, mama!

All I had was
Melba toast and tea.

I was warned not
to spoil my appetite.

Okay, okay! We're all hungry!

Well, if you're all so hungry,
why not have a rum ball?

- Oh, Aunt Effie!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, yeah. Thanks, Aunt Effie.
- Sure.

Well, Effie, why didn't you tell
us you brought those down here?

'Cause you said you didn't
want 'em till after dinner.

I guess now you
got room for 'em.

Gee, grandma,
these aren't nearly

as bad as you said they were.

Oh, I never said they were bad.

I-I said they were 90 proof.

I've always loved
Effie's rum balls.

Well then, have one,
Thelma. There's plenty.

Maybe later.

There, now, you see.
Things aren't so grim.

Let's all just stop bein'
such gloomy Guses

and make the best of it.

My! These kick
right in, don't they?

Now, what say we play a game?

I know. Twenty Questions!

Who made her a camp director?

Well, I think playin' a
game is a great idea.

I got a deck of cards down here.

Oh, Lord! No, not them ones

with the pictures on the back.

No, I keep those
down at the shop.

Uh, Naomi, where did
you put those cards?

I don't know, honey. I think
they're in a drawer somewhere.

Shoot, this is like a
scavenger hunt in a junkyard.

I declare! These are
the tastiest things!

What's your secret ingredient?

Booze.

There aren't any cards in here.

Will you get out of there?

Nothin' in here but
Thelma's broken gravy boat.

What? Let me see that!

Oh, no! It's broken
clean in two.

Has anyone found
those cards yet?

You hold it right there, missy!

I want an explanation
and I want it now!

Oh, alright, I
broke it this mornin'

while I was dryin' the dishes.

Ohh. And this gravy boat
was my mama's pride and joy.

I remember when
I was just a little girl

and my daddy would pour my gravy

he'd say, "Make way, USS Giblet

comin' in to dock!
Ho-o-o-nk, ho-o-o-nk!"

Now, mama, there's no need
to get yourself all worked up.

Would a rum ball make it better?

I'm havin' an emotional
breakdown here

and you're offerin'
me rum balls?

This gravy boat was like
a member of my family.

One of the nicer ones.

Oh, you just don't get over
this kind of grief very easily.

It's gonna be a long
time before I'm right again.

I found the cards!

Hot damn! Let's play poker!

Okay, Vinton. It's to you.

Oh, mama, I'm
tired of playin' cards.

We gotta get out of here!

Will you relax? Somebody
will come and find us.

They always do.

When? That tornado
was over hours ago.

Look, there is nothin'
for us to do but wait.

So let's just pick up our
cards and play. This is fun!

Yeah, for you. You've
won every hand.

There's nothin' more
unattractive than a sore loser.

Oh, well, let's remember that

at the end of this
hand, Ms. Harper

because this little
lady is going to give you

a run for your money.

Yeah, yeah, I'm
shakin' in my boots.

Let's go, Vinton!

Uh... I check.

I got zilch.

It's to you, Bubba.

I'm in for two rum balls.

Whoa! A two rum-baller, okay.

Two to you, Iola.

Well, Lord love
a duck. I can't bet.

I ate all my chips. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, what the hell? Let's dance.

♪♪ Teeko teek
teeko teeko tock ♪♪

♪♪ Teeko teeko teeko
in my clock ♪♪♪♪

Now turn off your teeko,
Iola. Are you in or out?

She's out.

Nothing worse than a woman
who can't hold her candy.

Well, alright, Naomi.
Here's your big chance.

- It's two to you.
- Alright.

I'm gonna see
that two and raise it

with my last three rum balls.

Oh, bettin' your whole wad, huh?

That must be some big
hand or some big bluff.

Well, call it and see.

I'm in for five.

Uh-oh. That's too steep for me.

I'm out.

Well, Ms. Poker face,
let's see what you got.

Read 'em and weep!
Four kings! Four kings!

- O-o-oh!
- O-o-oh!

All I got is a couple of pair...

Pair of aces, and
a pair of aces.

- What!
- Wow! Four aces!

Yup. That's hello, rum
balls, goodbye, frizz head.

Let me see those cards!

There is nothin'
wrong with the cards.

You're the one that ain't
playin' with a full deck.

Do you live to insult me?

Is that how you
get your jollies?

This is just a
little game, Naomi.

One that you lost miserably.

Oh, that's right! Go
ahead and rub it in!

Never mind that we're
all trapped down here

and may never
even get out alive.

Don't let one opportunity

slip by to put me down!

Well, I'm sure I don't know
what you're talkin' about.

Oh, yes, you do. You
criticize everything I do.

The way I walk, the way I
dress, the way I keep house!

Why, you even made fun

of my beautiful
Thanksgivin' centerpiece!

That ugly thing?

What have I ever done
to deserve this treatment?

Name one thing that I
have ever done to you.

You broke my gravy boat!

Well, that was an accident!

Ask Iola. She saw
the whole thing!

You expect me to
believe that lush?

Oh, alright, if that grease pot

is the only thing
that's bothering you

I will fix it myself
with Krazy Glue!

Krazy Glue?

We are talkin' about
fine-bone china here, missy.

That thing has been in
my family for generations.

It has not! Your mama
got it with green stamps.

Butt out, Effie!

Vinton, where is the Krazy Glue?

- Here, hold this hatchet.
- Oh, be careful, sweetheart.

That thing's sharp.

Hey! We can chop our
way through the door!

- Aunt Naomi, way to go!
- Let's get crackin'!

Well, now, wait a minute!
What about my gravy boat?

Careful, Uncle Vint!

Okay, I got it!

Oh, something's
got the door pinned.

There.

Okay, everybody. Come
on up! Everything's fine!

Oh, it was just the ironin'
board pinned against the door.

- How's the rest of the house?
- Well, let's check and see.

I hope the bathroom's okay.

Glory be! My house
has been spared!

Well, so has the turkey!

Shoot, all I got to do is open
me a can of Ocean Spray

sprinkle some
marshmallows on them yams

and we got us a feast.

Come on, Tom, old boy.

How was camp?

Looks like you got
yourself a real nice tan.

Mama, the house is fine

except for that broken
dining room window.

I'm afraid the
tree branch ruined

your pretty table, Ms. Harper.

A lot of your mama's
china got broken.

Well, I guess it's just
the good Lord's way

of tellin' us it's
time to buy new.

I tell you what, I'm
gonna put you in charge

of the dining room table, Naomi

'cause I know you'll
do a real nice job.

Why, yes, I will, Ms. Harper!

Oh, and Naomi, this will
look real nice in the center.

Come on, Vinton.

We got ourselves
a mess to clean up.

Thelma...

I have no conscious memory

of what just transpired
in your basement.

All I know is I
awoke on Vint's bed

disheveled, my sweater
askew, and my shoes on the floor.

Well, I hate to burst
your bubble, sweetie pie.

But the only thing that
got to you in the basement

was the rum balls.

Dear Lord, well, this will be

one Thanksgivin'
we will never forget.

First of all, I would
like to thank you

for sparin' our
home and our lives

and for givin' Naomi
that wonderful idea

to look in Vinton's toolbox

so's we could all get
out of the basement.

Why in the world you didn't give
her that idea four hours earlier

I'll just chalk up to
your mysterious ways.

Bless each member of my
family and Iola and Herman

and the bounty
that is before us.

And, Lord, if you should see fit

to send down a
big bolt of lightning

to strike my heathen pig
of a grandson, so be it.

Oh, well, I was just kiddin'!

Amen.

Amen.