Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Love Letter - full transcript

A love letter meant for Naomi mistakenly ends up in the hands of both Mama and Iola, leading to hilarious complications for all.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Mmm!

I hate to interrupt your
little hum-along, George,

but how's my icebox?

Well, for starters, you've
got a cracked butt plate.

You better be talkin'
about the icebox.

Condenser needs checkin',
screw heads are loose.

- You got a leaky coil.
- I'm payin' you by the hour!

Stop complainin'
and start fixin'!

It'll get done. It'll get done.



Why don't you relax?

I cannot relax when
my chocolate ripple

is meltin' all over
my fish sticks.

"B," honey? You sure
you wanna pick "B"?

Absolutely.

Well, I'm stickin' with "A."

Oh, are you two helpin'
Bubba study for his test?

No, I'm givin' my two
favorite guys a test

to see how romantic they are.

Good Lord, don't tell me you're
readin' "Cosmo" at your age.

This happens to be
one of Iola's magazines.

It's "Ladies' Circle."

You mean even "Ladies'
Circle" has turned to smut?

Ms. Harper, this isn't smut.



This test was written by a PhD.

Are you guys ready
for the final question?

- Ready.
- Okay.

"What would he
like you to sleep in?

"A, a clinging negligee.

"B, a flannel nightie.

"or C, nothin'?"

Well, that's easy, nothin'.

I'd go with "A," the negligee.

It sounds so French.

You're both wrong. It's flannel.

You can't be romantic
when you're catchin'

your death of cold.

Now, I'm totalin' up the points.

Oh, those tests
are all the bunk!

What did I get?

I can't believe this!

Vinton, you only
got three points.

It says here you're a cold fish.

A cold fish? Let me see that.

Even your mama
did better than you

and she only
answered one question.

Well, when you
got it, you got it.

Hey, I got a perfect score.

I'm a red-hot Romeo.

Don't you have studyin' to do?

Vinton, I just can't get over
you bein' so unromantic.

Oh, all them
romantic lover boys,

they're not real men, you know.

Remember that good lookin'
Phil Sumpter down at Kwik Keys?

- Yeah.
- He could sweet-talk the gals.

But he couldn't set a
tumbler worth beans.

He must've been
good at somethin'.

He married that rich widow
right after he put in her locks.

Yeah, but their
mansion is not secure.

I tell you what,
this "Ladies' Circle"

ought to forget the sex
business and get back

to doin' what they do best.

Showin' you how to
decorate for Christmas

with the inside of
toilet paper rolls.

Well, I don't know, Ms. Harper.

That magazine has
really opened up my eyes.

I have come to discover

that my nephew knows
more about romance

than my very own husband!

Oh, for pity's sakes,
Naomi, what did you expect?

The honeymoon's over!
Get with the program!

But without romance, Ms. Harper

what is there to marriage?

Plenty, and it's
time you learned.

You can start by
takin' this stuff upstairs.

Oh, shoot!

I ask for love, and
you give me laundry!

How do you like that?

I'm a cold fish, and
you're a red-hot Romeo.

Thanks a lot, Bubba!

Take it easy, Uncle Vint.

All you've to do is show Aunt
Naomi how much you love her.

Well, I gave her four new
retreads for her birthday.

Oh, it's got to be
something more romantic.

I know. You could
write her a love letter.

A love letter.

Sure. Just like Gopher
did on "The Love Boat."

Adrienne Barbeau
thought he was a real jerk

until he wrote her
this steamy love note.

Hey, maybe you
got somethin' there.

If it worked for
Gopher and Adrienne

maybe it'll work
for me and Naomi.

- Sure. Give it a try.
- Nah. What would I say?

I wouldn't even
know where to begin.

Well, I'll do it for
you, and I'll print it

so she won't recognize
my handwritin'.

Good idea.

"My dearest darling..."

Wow. How do you
think of that stuff?

Easy. It's what Gopher
wrote to Adrienne.

Thelma, I checked out the fridge

and I got your estimate.

I'll be right in.

Lord, you know when
they're cheerful like that

they're gonna stick it to you.

Alright, you blue-collar
bandit, what's the damage?

Boy, Bubba.

This thing is a masterpiece.

Thanks.

I hate to brag, but I think
it's even better than Gopher's.

Read it again.

"My dearest darling,

"I can be silent no longer.

"My passion for you burns deep.

"You are the woman of my dreams

"so please make my
dreams come true.

"I love you. I love
you. I love you.

Signed, your eternal lover."

Are you sure that's the
way you spell "eternal"?

Sure. Just sound it out.

"E-tern, T-U-R-N,
al, U-L. Eternal."

I guess you're right. Now,
where should we put it?

Well, someplace
she's sure to look.

Oh, here. I'll put it
in her manicure kit.

I gave her this for
our anniversary.

- Gee, Uncle Vint, I don't...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She uses this all the time!

I'm gonna go find her and tell
her that she's got a hangnail.

Ooh!

I can't wait to see her face
when she reads that letter!

This is all wrong.

Here.

Perfect.

My eternal lover?

Bubba?

- Now I've heard everything!
- What have you heard?

That bozo wants to charge
me 108 bucks to fix my icebox!

It'd be cheaper to move
my kitchen to Alaska!

Whew! Boy, it's hot.

I sure could use
somethin' cool to drink.

Well, George,
how about I fix you

a nice, tall glass of lemonade.

Fresh-squeezed, chipped ice

maybe a little cherry on top?

Thelma, that would be swell.

Well, like yourself, I
charge 15 bucks an hour.

I figure that little glass of
lemonade, parts and labor

ought to run you about $9.50.

A glass of water will be fine.

Mama, have you seen Naomi?

Vinton, I got enough to do
keepin' an eye on George

without watchin' your
wife's every move.

She's in the livin' room.

"I love you, I love
you, I love you"?

Ohh, I just feel sick.

That's not how
you spell "eternal."

Naomi...

Oh.

Well, how is the
most beautiful gal

in the whole wide world?

Oh, fine, just fine.

Well, you've never looked finer.

I tell you, any man in the world

would fall in love with you.

I know!

Those gorgeous blue eyes.

Those red, red lips...

Oh! Is that all you men
ever can think about?

What's wrong with you?
You said you wanted romance.

Oh! I'm so sorry I ever
brought the whole thing up!

Hello there, Bubba.
You studyin'?

Yeah, Ms. Boylen. The Civil War.

Oh, the Civil War. A
house divided will not stand.

I thought a house
divided was a duplex.

Knock, knock!

Oh, Vint... I-I just
came to see if I left

my "Ladies' Circle" over here.

Yeah, it's here.

Mother wants to find
out how romantic she is.

I am a burnin' flame.

Well, I am a cold fish.

Oh, Vinton, you?

I'm sure there are lotta
women who disagree with that.

Women. Who can
figure out what they think?

They say they want
romance and when it hits them

in the face, they can't see it.

Not me. I'd know in a second.

Here, Iola, please take this

and whatever you do,
keep it away from Naomi.

Looks like there's
trouble in paradise.

Oh, great, mama! Just great!

There's nothin' to eat in there!

Of course not, you
big goon! It's bein' fixed!

Who do you think that
is behind the icebox

the Pillsbury doughboy?

Oh, yeah. How's
it goin', George?

It'll get done. It'll get done.

Yeah, that's what
you said 75 bucks ago.

I can't seem to find the right
Phillips head for my ratchet.

I got a whole slew
of those in the pickup.

- Let's have a look.
- Oh, great.

George, did I ever show you
those custom chrome pipes?

Vinton, that man is
chargin' me by the hour!

He doesn't have time to
look at your damn pickup!

Vint.

Oh, Vinton... it is Iola,
the woman of your dreams.

"I love you, I love
you, I love you.

Your eternal lover."

So poetic. So misspelled.

What are you mumblin'
about in my kitchen?

Oh, Thelma, you
gave me such a start.

Sorry. I hope I didn't interrupt
your conversation with yourself.

I was, uh, hummin'.

- Where's Vint?
- He's helpin' George.

He doesn't have time
to chew the fat with you.

Thelma, I have to tell
him that I understand.

Understand what?

What I've waited for so
long has finally come true.

They're puttin' Lawrence
Welk back on the air?

Oh, Thelma, please!
I must talk to him!

Whatever you got to say,
it'll keep till later. Now, beat it!

Well, I guess you're right.

What's a few more seconds
compared to eternity?

Goodbye... mama.

Vint, this Phillips head
is just the ticket. Thanks.

At least I did somethin' right.

Just to show that my
heart's in the right place,

I'm gonna make
your old lady's day.

I'm knockin' 15
bucks off her bill.

Oh, that's real
nice of you, George.

Ah! It's nothin'.

I overcharged her anyway.

Hey, grandma, it says
here that during the Civil War

many of the southern
women were left unprotected.

Whew! You must
have been really scared.

To tell you the truth, Bubba,

I was too busy loadin'
muskets to notice.

- Bubba, I wanna talk to you.
- Just a minute there, mister.

What is goin' on with my icebox?

It'll get done. It'll get done.

Oh, Lord! I was
afraid you'd say that!

Well? Did Aunt
Naomi read the letter?

Yes, she did.

So? Did Gopher's trick pay off?

Bubba, it's time
you faced reality.

Life is not "The Love Boat."

Well, surprise, surprise.
You're actually workin'.

Thelma, I got another surprise
for you over on the table.

Where? I don't see nothin'.

Just pick up that clipboard
and take a gander.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Well, Thelma, what do you say?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Thelma, what I wrote down
must've got you pretty excited.

I bet now you won't
complain so much about me.

You'll just sit down and enjoy.

Ohh!

Ms. Harper, is Bubba
still out on the porch?

- Don't go!
- I don't have time to talk.

I've to straighten Bubba
out about somethin'.

Don't I-leave me alone!

Ms. Harper, you're not
alone. George is here.

Uh.

I think it's time
we had a little talk.

- Oh, sure, honey.
- Not you. Bubba.

- Me?
- Yes, you, Bubba.

Would you come
inside with me, please?

- Sure, Aunt Naomi.
- There's a couple of things...

Never mind, Vinton!
I'll talk to you later!

Vint! Oh, Vint! I'm here!

Well, Iola, what are
you all dressed up for?

Just somethin' I threw on.
Been in my closet for years.

I just never had the
occasion to wear it.

What's the occasion?

- As if you didn't know.
- I don't.

Well, Vint, I think it's
time we had a little talk.

Bubba, I realize you are a very
sensitive, romantic young man.

I'm sure you'll find a girl
who's right for you, but...

That's real nice, Aunt Naomi,
but I better do my homework.

Please, Bubba! There
is no need to pretend!

You see, I know it was you
who wrote that letter to me.

Oh, well, gee, I
didn't mean any harm.

- I hope you're not mad.
- No, it's not that I'm mad...

What difference does
it make who wrote it?

It came from the heart.
You gotta believe me.

You're not making
this any easier, Bubba.

I guess if I do
look a little different

I-I owe it all to you.

Me?

Oh, Vint. All my life,
I've played by the rules.

I was raised as an
old-fashioned girl.

Well, now I'm ready
to swing into the '80s!

Well, I don't know
that you should, Iola.

And why not?

Because I think you're
fine just the way you are.

Oh, Vint! Tell me more.

George... George, I think
it's time we had a little talk.

Come and sit down.

On the other side of the table!

Well, you're the boss.

And knock it off
with that winkin'.

You look like you got a tic!

George, I cannot
believe what you wrote!

Oh, come off it.
Don't act so surprised.

You've been hangin'
around the kitchen all day

hintin' about it.

I've been what?

Thelma, you know, all
the handymen in town talk

and they say you pull
the same thing with them.

Pull what? Who? Who are they?

I want their names,
and I want them now!

I'm surprised you're
so uptight about this.

You're the one that said you
needed a little more romance.

Let's just forget
about my needs.

Gee, I'm supposed
to be a red-hot Romeo.

Didn't that letter
turn you on at all?

Bubba, you are my nephew!

That's why I thought
it'd be okay to write it.

I mean, it's all in the family.

Ew!

Wouldn't you just love to be
lyin' on the Riviera right now?

Mmm. Yeah.

It's always been my
dream to go to Las Vegas.

Well, from now on, the
woman of your dreams

can make all your
dreams come true.

I don't know. Naomi's
not actin' too cooperative.

Well, we can't let
Naomi stand in our way.

We got to... seize the moment!

Iola, what are you doin'?

Iola...

Mama!

I don't know what you've
heard about me but it's not true!

What's with you?

Most gals, when I
knock a little off their bill

are real nice to me.

Just what kinda woman
do you take me for?

Calm down! I'm
just doin' you a favor.

Don't do me no favors!

Thelma, all I wanna do

is put a little
smile on your face.

You take one more step,
and I'm gonna scream.

Hell! I'm gonna scream anyway.

Help! Help!

Help!

- Grandma!
- Mama, what is it?

Mr. Fixit's tryin' to
put the fix on me!

- What?
- Don't you deny it!

I have got the proof!

Grandma, what are
you doin' with my letter?

- Your letter?
- His letter?

- It's really my letter.
- Your letter?

That's right. His letter.

Well, then how come
you said you wrote it?

I don't even know what it is!

- Somebody wrote the damn thing!
- I did.

He wrote it for me
to give to Naomi.

For me? Oh, honey,
it's so beautiful!

Oh, sure, now you like it.

Well, who did you think
it was from? Bubba?

Oh hoo hoo! Little Bubba?

Don't be silly!

Well, what I would like to know

is how the hell it
got into my kitchen!

Iola... I found it in
my "Ladies' Circle."

And you thought Vinton
had written it to you?

I did not.

Well, then what are you
doin' in that God-awful dress?

Just what is so funny?

"I can be silent no longer.

"I love you. I love
you. I love you."

You get that damn
letter outta my face

and shut up, you old fool!

One more peep outta you

and you're gonna have more
to fix than a cracked butt plate!