Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 24 - The Best Policy - full transcript
Vint has a series of near-death accidents shortly after a major life insurance purchase, causing Mama and Iola to suspect Naomi may be responsible.
Oh, Ms. Harper, you have got ta
see this mansion
in "House Attractive."
It has twenty two
rooms and five full baths.
Shoot. You couldn't
give me a house like that.
I'd spend my whole life
straightenin' rooms
and cleanin' toilets.
Don't be silly! You would
have servants to do all that.
Oh, if I lived in this great,
big, expensive house
I wouldn't lift a finger!
Well, it's nice to know that
money wouldn't change you.
Nice talkin' with you, Bubba.
Hey, everybody. Ha ha!
Look at the new electric
blanket that I got for free.
- For free?
- Yeah.
All I had to do was sign
up for a life insurance policy.
Good Lord, Vinton!
What fly-by-night outfit
has rooked you this time?
Mama, it is Mutual of Raytown.
They advertise on matchbook
covers and everything.
Mutual of Raytown?
Lord, Vinton, I
swear, David Horowitz
could do a miniseries on you.
Oh, not another word, Mama.
It's my insurance agent.
He's bringing over the
policy for signatures.
Honey, don't you think
we should check it out first?
Well, I already did. This
blanket's got dual controls.
Stony, come on in.
Hey, everybody, this
is my insurance agent.
Stony? Stony Hall?
Naomi Oates!
Oh!
You two know each other?
Well, sure. Stony and I
used to date years ago.
- I don't believe this.
- Well, why not?
You've dated every man in town
except Mr. Larry
at the beauty parlor
and a few shut-ins.
Stony, this is my
mother-in-law, Ms. Harper.
- How do you do?
- And that's my nephew Bubba.
Will you take those things off?
Grandma, it's Van Halen!
I don't care if it's Van
Johnson. We got company.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hi.
- Stony, sit down.
- Thank you.
So, how long have you
been sellin' insurance?
Last time I saw you,
you were sellin'
aluminum siding.
Oh, well, that was
just a steppin' stone.
I found out I'm a people person,
not a weatherproofing person.
Oh, isn't he somethin'?
Yeah, but what?
Why don't we go over the policy
and answer any
questions you might have?
Well, go ahead. So far,
I ain't got any questions.
As you know, the
purpose of life insurance
is to provide for your loved
ones in the event of your death.
Oh! I don't want
to hear any more.
How much is it for, baby?
Well, I decided to go
for the whole enchilada...
a hundred thousand dollars.
- A hundred thousand dollars?
- Wow!
Just exactly how much
is this gonna cost?
Plus...
this is a
double-indemnity policy.
In case of accidental death
your beneficiary
receives double.
- Whoa.
- Two hundred thousand?
Just exactly how much
is this gonna cost?
And...
if you should perish in an
explosion in your home...
or in a tidal wave, you
get an extra $50,000.
Holy cow! That's a
quarter of a million bucks!
Yeah, and all Vinton's gotta do
is sit in the front yard
and wait for a tidal wave.
Say, Uncle Vint, who you
gonna leave all that money to?
Well, certainly not to a
young, strappin' boy like you.
Besides, it's nobody's
business how much money
Vinton leaves me and Naomi.
Well, actually, Mama
you've always managed
money so well...
That's so true. I always have.
I figured you didn't need it.
So Naomi is my sole beneficiary.
Oh, baby.
Well, I see.
It's only natural that a husband
would think of his wife first
and not the woman who bore him.
Twenty seven hours of labor...
and back labor, too, mind you.
And that was in the days before
they taught you how to breathe.
But let's not concern
ourselves with past history.
It's obvious this insurance
talk has nothin' to do with me.
That's right, Ms.
Harper, it doesn't.
Well, fine, then! Don't mind me!
Well, good Lord, Bubba!
I thought you said
this was Van Heflin!
Van Halen!
Van Halen?
They sounded a lot better
when they had David Lee Roth.
So then this fast-talkin'
Stony Hall cons Vinton
into springin' for this
big, expensive policy.
Stony Hall, I thought he
was a used-car salesman.
He sold daddy an
old Nash Rambler
with a cracked radiator.
I swear, that man would
sell a top hat to a nudist.
Besides, Vinton doesn't
need any insurance.
It's gonna be a long time
before his number's up.
Mama!
Well, good Lord.
O-h-h!
Oh, my poor, precious baby!
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, just a
little shocked is all.
Good Lord!
You could have burned my
whole house down, you nitwit.
What do you think
you're doin' here?
Naomi asked me to fix
her hair drier. I plugged it in.
I stuck this screwdriver
in there and whoo-oo-oo!
Oh, for heavens sake.
Doesn't Naomi know by
now that you and electricity
are a lethal combination?
You could've been killed, Vint.
Well, I do feel a little shaky.
I'll go lie down
in the basement.
You can lean on me.
He can lean on both of us, Iola.
Naomi should've told me
that thing had a short in it.
Now don't blame Naomi.
You risk your life when
you go near an appliance.
That's not true, Thelma.
Vint fixed my Mixmaster.
It works beautifully.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
Good Lord, Vinton!
Will you two turn me loose?
I am perfectly capable
of goin' down to the
basement by myself.
Oh!
Ow!
Oh, my Lord! Vinton,
baby doll, speak to me!
Oh, Mama, it's my ankle.
Oh, not your trick ankle.
Get over here on the bed.
I didn't know you
had a trick ankle.
Yes, an old football injury.
Yeah, he slipped on an
old football in the garage.
Just elevate that ankle, Iola.
I'll run upstairs and
fix you an ice pack.
Oh, poor, Vint.
We shouldn't have
let you come down
those stairs so soon
after your shock.
It wasn't that. I
slipped on somethin'.
Somethin' round on the top step.
Sent me head over teakettle.
Could this be it?
Yeah. It's Naomi's nail polish.
Now, why would she
leave that on the top step?
I could've been killed.
Thelma...
I've discovered
somethin' horrible.
Oh, no, I think that's one
of Naomi's nicer shades.
What do they call
that one again?
Mucho mango.
I'm not referrin' to
the color, Thelma.
You know, this goes perfect
with this lavender dress.
You think I'm too
old for the wet look?
Thelma, this little bottle
is what sent Vint
hurtlin' down the stairs.
Let me see that.
Naomi is so careless.
What in the world
is she thinkin' about?
Two hundred thousand dollars.
Oh, Iola, that is ridiculous.
That's the most stupid,
idiotic thing I ever heard.
Tell me more.
Well, just consider
the facts, Thelma.
Vint takes out
a double-indemnity
insurance contract
and the very next day
is almost electrocuted
by his wife's hair drier.
That's just a coincidence.
And when he
gets outta that alive
he is nearly killed trippin'
on his wife's nail polish.
That's just another coincidence.
Sounds mighty suspicious to me.
Oh, forget it, Iola.
I know Naomi, and
she may be lazy
and she may be no
account, and Lord knows
she's the woman every
mother fears her son will marry,
but she is not a murderess.
Well, how do you know?
Who knows what's lurkin'
in a killer's heart of hearts?
Oh, come off it, Iola.
When you read about one of
these murderers in the paper
the neighbors are
always so shocked.
"Such a nice, quiet person.
"The sweetest, kindest person
you'd ever hope to meet."
That sure doesn't
sound like Naomi.
Oh, I swear I could just
wring that man's neck!
- Who?
- Mr. Carothers!
Things were slow
down at Food Circus.
So does he send home his niece
who has only worked
there for six months, early?
No! He sends me
home, his best checker!
He knows how much
I need that money.
If I had had a gun
I would have plugged
him right then and there!
She didn't really mean that,
she didn't, did you, Naomi?
Who has used up all of the ice?
Well, I had to make
Vinton an ice pack.
- Why?
- He had a little accident.
Two, actually.
- Oh, no!
- Now, relax.
- He just turned his ankle.
- Where is he?
He's downstairs restin'.
Oh, my poor baby!
Could've plugged him
then and there, huh?
Alright. That's enough, Iola!
- Could've wrung his neck, huh?
- Knock it off!
You saw she was upset
when I said Vinton hurt himself!
She was upset that
it was only his ankle.
Get out of my house!
I will not hear another
bad word against Naomi!
Good Lord. I never thought
I'd live to hear myself say that.
There you go, sweetie pie.
- I just spoke to Dr. Shiffman.
- What did he say?
He said it doesn't sound
like anything serious,
but he wants me to bring
Vinton in tomorrow just in case.
I put some fresh ice
into your ice pack, baby.
Ooh, Naomi. Not so hard.
Naomi!
There, sweetie
pie. Is that better?
That's fine, Mama.
Would you like me to give
you a nice massage, baby?
Oh. You know how I
hate bein' fussed over.
Uh, I kind of need
my pillow fluffed up.
- It's all flattened out.
- Oh, I can do that.
There you go, Vinton.
I know.
Here, darlin', have a chocolate.
Oh, you don't want to
spoil your appetite, Vinton.
I'll tell you what, I'm
gonna run upstairs
and make you that nice
chicken/vegetable soup
that you loved
when you were sick.
Hold it. He's my husband.
If anyone is gonna
make him soup, it's me.
Forget it. He's in
enough pain already.
For your information, I
make a fabulous soup.
Oh, yeah? What is in it?
Top Ramen and ketchup.
Well, good Lord, Naomi.
If anything will get him
up and trottin', that will.
Mama, I sure could
use somethin' to read.
Oh, no problem.
You just sit tight.
The church newsletter came today
and there's a big, long article
about Reverend Meechum's
trip to the Dead Sea.
Thanks a lot, Mama.
Oh, my poor baby.
Let me kiss him and
make him all better.
Oh, Naomi... Ooh, Naomi!
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Here. Take an aspirin.
- That'll help.
- No, thank you.
But please, this is the brand
that nine outta ten doctors
stranded on a desert
island would prefer.
Oh, I have trouble
swallowin' pills.
I like that liquid medicine with
the little clown on the bottle.
Alright, angel.
I'll just go on upstairs
and see what I can find.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
It's got to be the
cherry flavored.
The grape makes me gag.
Knock, knock.
Well, if it isn't
Agatha Christie
come to find murder
on the Raytown Express.
Well, actually, Thelma,
I came to apologize.
I've thought it over, and I see
my suspicions were groundless.
Well, of course they were.
Naomi loves Vinton
more than her other
husbands put together.
I suppose you're right.
It was the idea of that
double-indemnity clause.
I know it, but believe me,
Naomi doesn't have any interest
at all in that insurance
policy of Vinton's.
Ix-nay Elma-thay. Ubba-bay.
Uckey-pay.
He can't hear a thing
with them headphones on.
Sure, I can, grandma. You're
wrong about Aunt Naomi.
She's interested in
Uncle Vint's insurance.
Yeah? What makes you say that?
'Cause I saw her today
havin' lunch with Stony Hall.
Touch that door and die.
I gotta meet Wanda Lynn
Mahoney over at the library.
You have got
to talk to me first.
Now, just where were
Naomi and this Mr. Slime?
I saw them when I was passin'
that new Chinese
restaurant, Shanghai Ray's.
Aunt Naomi was havin'
the sweet-and-sour okra
and I believe he was
havin' the Ray-king duck.
Never mind what
they were eatin'.
- What were they doin'?
- Well, nothing much.
Just talkin' and laughin' and
lookin' at an insurance form.
They were goin'
over Vinton's policy?
Well, that's what
it looked like,
but then this cute girl at
the next table caught my eye.
She was a redhead.
She was havin' the thousand
year-old hush puppies.
Will you knock it off with
the Chinese soul food?
- Didn't you have homework?
- I do!
Well, get to it!
Thousand year-old hush puppies.
What do you say now, Thelma?
Ray-king duck.
Sweet-and-sour okra.
There's an explanation
for this! I know there is!
Naomi's crazy about Vinton.
She's in the kitchen
makin' soup for him
with her very own hands.
Here you go, honey.
Nice, hot soup.
I made it myself.
Wow. It usually takes
Mama hours to make soup.
Oh, your Mama blows
cookin' out of all proportion.
It's a snap. Now open wide...
Stop! Stop! Stop!
- What is it, Mama?
- Don't touch that soup.
Why on earth not?
Well, uh...
- No crackers!
- No crackers! That's right!
Vinton loves crackers with his
soup. Loves to crumble them up.
I haven't done that
since I was nine.
Oh, shut up! What do you know?
If the cracker
discussion is finished,
may I proceed with
feedin' my husband?
- Why don't you taste it first?
- Good idea.
Taste it, Naomi.
Don't be silly.
The soup is fine.
- Open up.
- Not like that.
- You'll dribble it all over...
- That's hot!
- Look at what you've done!
- Oh, mama!
Mama, hot, hot, hot!
There you go.
- Would you give me that bowl?
- Look what you're doing here...
Oops. Darn.
Thanks a lot. Now I have to go
upstairs and make him another.
Oh, that's alright, Skeeter.
I don't need any soup.
All I'd like to do
is take a little nap.
- Great idea.
- I'll say.
You grab a little
shut-eye. We'll go upstairs.
Excuse me, I think I will
remain with my husband
just until you pop off.
Why don't we all stay?
No sense havin' you
do all this by yourself.
All what? Come on, Ms. Harper.
I want you two to go upstairs.
- He's never gonna get any rest!
- Nonsense.
Vinton loves to
have people around
when he goes to
sleep, don't you?
No, Mama.
He's in pain, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Don't you worry, darling.
Mama is not gonna
leave your side.
Oh, fine! Just sit
there till kingdom come.
Honey, I'm goin' upstairs
to make you a nice surprise.
When I come back down, I
expect to find you dead to this world.
- Ooh, I'll just bet she does.
- Don't you worry, Vinton.
As long as we're
here, you're safe.
Oh, thanks, Mama.
I'm suddenly so sleepy.
What is that smell?
Gee, I don't know.
It smells like...
Gas!
Don't go to sleep!
It's gas! It's gas, baby.
Check, check the water
heater! Check the water heater!
I told Naomi if she
left that door open
the pilot would blow out.
That's it. The pilot's out!
Oh, that's the surprise
she was cookin' up.
I'll bet she's taken
out a policy on all of us!
What're you talkin'
about? Shut off that valve.
I can't. It won't budge.
Come on, Vint. We
gotta get out of here.
Ow! Oh!
Well hurry up. Do somethin'
before we all blow up.
- Let me see if I can move it.
- Oh, my Lord.
If we die in an explosion she's
gonna get an extra $50,000!
Look out!
She's gonna kill us all!
Oh, will you two hush up?
Vinton, darlin', just
get away from there.
I will take care of it.
Well there, that's off.
Luckily, I smelled that
gas up in the kitchen.
- You did?
- Yes, I did.
Then I heard you two screamin'.
Boy, you certainly fall
apart in a crisis, don't you?
You would too if a crazy person
came' at you with a
cleaver in her hand.
Oh, I was just choppin'
up a chicken to boil.
- Honey, are you...
- Get away from my son.
Oh, ooh, ooh.
We are on to you,
Mrs. Bluebeard.
What are you talkin' about?
Don't give us the innocent act.
We know what
you're up to, missy.
We certainly do.
The defective hair drier
the conveniently
placed nail polish
the faulty water heater
all part of your master plot.
Wait a minute. Those
were just accidents.
Oh yeah? Was it an accident
when she put poison in your soup?
Naomi?
For heaven's sake, Vinton.
It was just aspirins
for your ankle.
They're not even extra strength.
- There, you see.
- Don't you fall for that.
She was spotted today
havin' lunch with Stony Hall!
Well, what's wrong with that?
Oh, you poor, simple,
sweetheart. Don't you see?
She is tryin' to kill you
for your insurance money.
Vinton doesn't have
any insurance money.
I canceled that policy today
at lunch at Shanghai Ray's
over the moo goo gai grits.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Me and Naomi
figured it out last night.
That electric blanket
was gonna put us
in hock the rest of our life.
Well, of course it was.
Moo goo gai grits?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Sayin' those things about
my darlin' daughter-in-law.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Naomi, you know that
deep down in my heart
outta all my in-laws,
you're my most very favorite.
Oh, Mama, what a
sweet thing to say.
What did you expect?
The woman's holdin'
a meat cleaver.
see this mansion
in "House Attractive."
It has twenty two
rooms and five full baths.
Shoot. You couldn't
give me a house like that.
I'd spend my whole life
straightenin' rooms
and cleanin' toilets.
Don't be silly! You would
have servants to do all that.
Oh, if I lived in this great,
big, expensive house
I wouldn't lift a finger!
Well, it's nice to know that
money wouldn't change you.
Nice talkin' with you, Bubba.
Hey, everybody. Ha ha!
Look at the new electric
blanket that I got for free.
- For free?
- Yeah.
All I had to do was sign
up for a life insurance policy.
Good Lord, Vinton!
What fly-by-night outfit
has rooked you this time?
Mama, it is Mutual of Raytown.
They advertise on matchbook
covers and everything.
Mutual of Raytown?
Lord, Vinton, I
swear, David Horowitz
could do a miniseries on you.
Oh, not another word, Mama.
It's my insurance agent.
He's bringing over the
policy for signatures.
Honey, don't you think
we should check it out first?
Well, I already did. This
blanket's got dual controls.
Stony, come on in.
Hey, everybody, this
is my insurance agent.
Stony? Stony Hall?
Naomi Oates!
Oh!
You two know each other?
Well, sure. Stony and I
used to date years ago.
- I don't believe this.
- Well, why not?
You've dated every man in town
except Mr. Larry
at the beauty parlor
and a few shut-ins.
Stony, this is my
mother-in-law, Ms. Harper.
- How do you do?
- And that's my nephew Bubba.
Will you take those things off?
Grandma, it's Van Halen!
I don't care if it's Van
Johnson. We got company.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hi.
- Stony, sit down.
- Thank you.
So, how long have you
been sellin' insurance?
Last time I saw you,
you were sellin'
aluminum siding.
Oh, well, that was
just a steppin' stone.
I found out I'm a people person,
not a weatherproofing person.
Oh, isn't he somethin'?
Yeah, but what?
Why don't we go over the policy
and answer any
questions you might have?
Well, go ahead. So far,
I ain't got any questions.
As you know, the
purpose of life insurance
is to provide for your loved
ones in the event of your death.
Oh! I don't want
to hear any more.
How much is it for, baby?
Well, I decided to go
for the whole enchilada...
a hundred thousand dollars.
- A hundred thousand dollars?
- Wow!
Just exactly how much
is this gonna cost?
Plus...
this is a
double-indemnity policy.
In case of accidental death
your beneficiary
receives double.
- Whoa.
- Two hundred thousand?
Just exactly how much
is this gonna cost?
And...
if you should perish in an
explosion in your home...
or in a tidal wave, you
get an extra $50,000.
Holy cow! That's a
quarter of a million bucks!
Yeah, and all Vinton's gotta do
is sit in the front yard
and wait for a tidal wave.
Say, Uncle Vint, who you
gonna leave all that money to?
Well, certainly not to a
young, strappin' boy like you.
Besides, it's nobody's
business how much money
Vinton leaves me and Naomi.
Well, actually, Mama
you've always managed
money so well...
That's so true. I always have.
I figured you didn't need it.
So Naomi is my sole beneficiary.
Oh, baby.
Well, I see.
It's only natural that a husband
would think of his wife first
and not the woman who bore him.
Twenty seven hours of labor...
and back labor, too, mind you.
And that was in the days before
they taught you how to breathe.
But let's not concern
ourselves with past history.
It's obvious this insurance
talk has nothin' to do with me.
That's right, Ms.
Harper, it doesn't.
Well, fine, then! Don't mind me!
Well, good Lord, Bubba!
I thought you said
this was Van Heflin!
Van Halen!
Van Halen?
They sounded a lot better
when they had David Lee Roth.
So then this fast-talkin'
Stony Hall cons Vinton
into springin' for this
big, expensive policy.
Stony Hall, I thought he
was a used-car salesman.
He sold daddy an
old Nash Rambler
with a cracked radiator.
I swear, that man would
sell a top hat to a nudist.
Besides, Vinton doesn't
need any insurance.
It's gonna be a long time
before his number's up.
Mama!
Well, good Lord.
O-h-h!
Oh, my poor, precious baby!
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, just a
little shocked is all.
Good Lord!
You could have burned my
whole house down, you nitwit.
What do you think
you're doin' here?
Naomi asked me to fix
her hair drier. I plugged it in.
I stuck this screwdriver
in there and whoo-oo-oo!
Oh, for heavens sake.
Doesn't Naomi know by
now that you and electricity
are a lethal combination?
You could've been killed, Vint.
Well, I do feel a little shaky.
I'll go lie down
in the basement.
You can lean on me.
He can lean on both of us, Iola.
Naomi should've told me
that thing had a short in it.
Now don't blame Naomi.
You risk your life when
you go near an appliance.
That's not true, Thelma.
Vint fixed my Mixmaster.
It works beautifully.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
Good Lord, Vinton!
Will you two turn me loose?
I am perfectly capable
of goin' down to the
basement by myself.
Oh!
Ow!
Oh, my Lord! Vinton,
baby doll, speak to me!
Oh, Mama, it's my ankle.
Oh, not your trick ankle.
Get over here on the bed.
I didn't know you
had a trick ankle.
Yes, an old football injury.
Yeah, he slipped on an
old football in the garage.
Just elevate that ankle, Iola.
I'll run upstairs and
fix you an ice pack.
Oh, poor, Vint.
We shouldn't have
let you come down
those stairs so soon
after your shock.
It wasn't that. I
slipped on somethin'.
Somethin' round on the top step.
Sent me head over teakettle.
Could this be it?
Yeah. It's Naomi's nail polish.
Now, why would she
leave that on the top step?
I could've been killed.
Thelma...
I've discovered
somethin' horrible.
Oh, no, I think that's one
of Naomi's nicer shades.
What do they call
that one again?
Mucho mango.
I'm not referrin' to
the color, Thelma.
You know, this goes perfect
with this lavender dress.
You think I'm too
old for the wet look?
Thelma, this little bottle
is what sent Vint
hurtlin' down the stairs.
Let me see that.
Naomi is so careless.
What in the world
is she thinkin' about?
Two hundred thousand dollars.
Oh, Iola, that is ridiculous.
That's the most stupid,
idiotic thing I ever heard.
Tell me more.
Well, just consider
the facts, Thelma.
Vint takes out
a double-indemnity
insurance contract
and the very next day
is almost electrocuted
by his wife's hair drier.
That's just a coincidence.
And when he
gets outta that alive
he is nearly killed trippin'
on his wife's nail polish.
That's just another coincidence.
Sounds mighty suspicious to me.
Oh, forget it, Iola.
I know Naomi, and
she may be lazy
and she may be no
account, and Lord knows
she's the woman every
mother fears her son will marry,
but she is not a murderess.
Well, how do you know?
Who knows what's lurkin'
in a killer's heart of hearts?
Oh, come off it, Iola.
When you read about one of
these murderers in the paper
the neighbors are
always so shocked.
"Such a nice, quiet person.
"The sweetest, kindest person
you'd ever hope to meet."
That sure doesn't
sound like Naomi.
Oh, I swear I could just
wring that man's neck!
- Who?
- Mr. Carothers!
Things were slow
down at Food Circus.
So does he send home his niece
who has only worked
there for six months, early?
No! He sends me
home, his best checker!
He knows how much
I need that money.
If I had had a gun
I would have plugged
him right then and there!
She didn't really mean that,
she didn't, did you, Naomi?
Who has used up all of the ice?
Well, I had to make
Vinton an ice pack.
- Why?
- He had a little accident.
Two, actually.
- Oh, no!
- Now, relax.
- He just turned his ankle.
- Where is he?
He's downstairs restin'.
Oh, my poor baby!
Could've plugged him
then and there, huh?
Alright. That's enough, Iola!
- Could've wrung his neck, huh?
- Knock it off!
You saw she was upset
when I said Vinton hurt himself!
She was upset that
it was only his ankle.
Get out of my house!
I will not hear another
bad word against Naomi!
Good Lord. I never thought
I'd live to hear myself say that.
There you go, sweetie pie.
- I just spoke to Dr. Shiffman.
- What did he say?
He said it doesn't sound
like anything serious,
but he wants me to bring
Vinton in tomorrow just in case.
I put some fresh ice
into your ice pack, baby.
Ooh, Naomi. Not so hard.
Naomi!
There, sweetie
pie. Is that better?
That's fine, Mama.
Would you like me to give
you a nice massage, baby?
Oh. You know how I
hate bein' fussed over.
Uh, I kind of need
my pillow fluffed up.
- It's all flattened out.
- Oh, I can do that.
There you go, Vinton.
I know.
Here, darlin', have a chocolate.
Oh, you don't want to
spoil your appetite, Vinton.
I'll tell you what, I'm
gonna run upstairs
and make you that nice
chicken/vegetable soup
that you loved
when you were sick.
Hold it. He's my husband.
If anyone is gonna
make him soup, it's me.
Forget it. He's in
enough pain already.
For your information, I
make a fabulous soup.
Oh, yeah? What is in it?
Top Ramen and ketchup.
Well, good Lord, Naomi.
If anything will get him
up and trottin', that will.
Mama, I sure could
use somethin' to read.
Oh, no problem.
You just sit tight.
The church newsletter came today
and there's a big, long article
about Reverend Meechum's
trip to the Dead Sea.
Thanks a lot, Mama.
Oh, my poor baby.
Let me kiss him and
make him all better.
Oh, Naomi... Ooh, Naomi!
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Here. Take an aspirin.
- That'll help.
- No, thank you.
But please, this is the brand
that nine outta ten doctors
stranded on a desert
island would prefer.
Oh, I have trouble
swallowin' pills.
I like that liquid medicine with
the little clown on the bottle.
Alright, angel.
I'll just go on upstairs
and see what I can find.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
It's got to be the
cherry flavored.
The grape makes me gag.
Knock, knock.
Well, if it isn't
Agatha Christie
come to find murder
on the Raytown Express.
Well, actually, Thelma,
I came to apologize.
I've thought it over, and I see
my suspicions were groundless.
Well, of course they were.
Naomi loves Vinton
more than her other
husbands put together.
I suppose you're right.
It was the idea of that
double-indemnity clause.
I know it, but believe me,
Naomi doesn't have any interest
at all in that insurance
policy of Vinton's.
Ix-nay Elma-thay. Ubba-bay.
Uckey-pay.
He can't hear a thing
with them headphones on.
Sure, I can, grandma. You're
wrong about Aunt Naomi.
She's interested in
Uncle Vint's insurance.
Yeah? What makes you say that?
'Cause I saw her today
havin' lunch with Stony Hall.
Touch that door and die.
I gotta meet Wanda Lynn
Mahoney over at the library.
You have got
to talk to me first.
Now, just where were
Naomi and this Mr. Slime?
I saw them when I was passin'
that new Chinese
restaurant, Shanghai Ray's.
Aunt Naomi was havin'
the sweet-and-sour okra
and I believe he was
havin' the Ray-king duck.
Never mind what
they were eatin'.
- What were they doin'?
- Well, nothing much.
Just talkin' and laughin' and
lookin' at an insurance form.
They were goin'
over Vinton's policy?
Well, that's what
it looked like,
but then this cute girl at
the next table caught my eye.
She was a redhead.
She was havin' the thousand
year-old hush puppies.
Will you knock it off with
the Chinese soul food?
- Didn't you have homework?
- I do!
Well, get to it!
Thousand year-old hush puppies.
What do you say now, Thelma?
Ray-king duck.
Sweet-and-sour okra.
There's an explanation
for this! I know there is!
Naomi's crazy about Vinton.
She's in the kitchen
makin' soup for him
with her very own hands.
Here you go, honey.
Nice, hot soup.
I made it myself.
Wow. It usually takes
Mama hours to make soup.
Oh, your Mama blows
cookin' out of all proportion.
It's a snap. Now open wide...
Stop! Stop! Stop!
- What is it, Mama?
- Don't touch that soup.
Why on earth not?
Well, uh...
- No crackers!
- No crackers! That's right!
Vinton loves crackers with his
soup. Loves to crumble them up.
I haven't done that
since I was nine.
Oh, shut up! What do you know?
If the cracker
discussion is finished,
may I proceed with
feedin' my husband?
- Why don't you taste it first?
- Good idea.
Taste it, Naomi.
Don't be silly.
The soup is fine.
- Open up.
- Not like that.
- You'll dribble it all over...
- That's hot!
- Look at what you've done!
- Oh, mama!
Mama, hot, hot, hot!
There you go.
- Would you give me that bowl?
- Look what you're doing here...
Oops. Darn.
Thanks a lot. Now I have to go
upstairs and make him another.
Oh, that's alright, Skeeter.
I don't need any soup.
All I'd like to do
is take a little nap.
- Great idea.
- I'll say.
You grab a little
shut-eye. We'll go upstairs.
Excuse me, I think I will
remain with my husband
just until you pop off.
Why don't we all stay?
No sense havin' you
do all this by yourself.
All what? Come on, Ms. Harper.
I want you two to go upstairs.
- He's never gonna get any rest!
- Nonsense.
Vinton loves to
have people around
when he goes to
sleep, don't you?
No, Mama.
He's in pain, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Don't you worry, darling.
Mama is not gonna
leave your side.
Oh, fine! Just sit
there till kingdom come.
Honey, I'm goin' upstairs
to make you a nice surprise.
When I come back down, I
expect to find you dead to this world.
- Ooh, I'll just bet she does.
- Don't you worry, Vinton.
As long as we're
here, you're safe.
Oh, thanks, Mama.
I'm suddenly so sleepy.
What is that smell?
Gee, I don't know.
It smells like...
Gas!
Don't go to sleep!
It's gas! It's gas, baby.
Check, check the water
heater! Check the water heater!
I told Naomi if she
left that door open
the pilot would blow out.
That's it. The pilot's out!
Oh, that's the surprise
she was cookin' up.
I'll bet she's taken
out a policy on all of us!
What're you talkin'
about? Shut off that valve.
I can't. It won't budge.
Come on, Vint. We
gotta get out of here.
Ow! Oh!
Well hurry up. Do somethin'
before we all blow up.
- Let me see if I can move it.
- Oh, my Lord.
If we die in an explosion she's
gonna get an extra $50,000!
Look out!
She's gonna kill us all!
Oh, will you two hush up?
Vinton, darlin', just
get away from there.
I will take care of it.
Well there, that's off.
Luckily, I smelled that
gas up in the kitchen.
- You did?
- Yes, I did.
Then I heard you two screamin'.
Boy, you certainly fall
apart in a crisis, don't you?
You would too if a crazy person
came' at you with a
cleaver in her hand.
Oh, I was just choppin'
up a chicken to boil.
- Honey, are you...
- Get away from my son.
Oh, ooh, ooh.
We are on to you,
Mrs. Bluebeard.
What are you talkin' about?
Don't give us the innocent act.
We know what
you're up to, missy.
We certainly do.
The defective hair drier
the conveniently
placed nail polish
the faulty water heater
all part of your master plot.
Wait a minute. Those
were just accidents.
Oh yeah? Was it an accident
when she put poison in your soup?
Naomi?
For heaven's sake, Vinton.
It was just aspirins
for your ankle.
They're not even extra strength.
- There, you see.
- Don't you fall for that.
She was spotted today
havin' lunch with Stony Hall!
Well, what's wrong with that?
Oh, you poor, simple,
sweetheart. Don't you see?
She is tryin' to kill you
for your insurance money.
Vinton doesn't have
any insurance money.
I canceled that policy today
at lunch at Shanghai Ray's
over the moo goo gai grits.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Me and Naomi
figured it out last night.
That electric blanket
was gonna put us
in hock the rest of our life.
Well, of course it was.
Moo goo gai grits?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Sayin' those things about
my darlin' daughter-in-law.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Naomi, you know that
deep down in my heart
outta all my in-laws,
you're my most very favorite.
Oh, Mama, what a
sweet thing to say.
What did you expect?
The woman's holdin'
a meat cleaver.