Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 23 - Fangs a Lot, Mama - full transcript

I cannot imagine
what is keeping him.

Dinner is as cold as it's gonna
get. If Vinton can't get here on time

then we'll have
to eat without him.

Ms. Harper, it isn't like
him not to call if he'll be late.

I hope he's okay.

Oh, now, don't you worry, Naomi.

Did he get the brakes
on his truck fixed?

Ms. Harper!

Even perfect
brakes won't help you

on that rickety
Ray River Bridge.

There are 13 cars in that river
that have never been recovered.



That does it! I'm calling
the highway patrol!

- Hey, everybody!
- Ohh! Vinton!

Thank goodness
you're here alive!

Where in the hell have you been?

You had your wife scared silly!

It's a good thing we were
here to calm her down.

I'm sorry I'm late, hon,
but I got great news!

Your husband...

and your son, and your uncle

have all been invited to join
the mystic order of the Cobra!

Oh, baby!

What is it?

Skeeter, the "Cobras!"

That's the most important
men's club in town.



Yeah, yeah. Fine, fine.
Could we sit down to dinner

before I have to give
these pork chops CPR?

You can count me out, mama.

I got more important
things on my mind than food.

I have to study for my
Cobra induction ceremony.

Study? But I thought this
was more like a social club.

Oh, no, Skeeter, no.
It's a secret society

that's only open
to a chosen few.

Oh, come off it, Vinton,
it's just the rejects

that couldn't get
into the Kiwanis.

For your information,
it is very hard to get in.

You have to memorize the entire
contents of this Cobra handbook.

Oh, baby, let me see!

No, Skeeter, no.

Women are strictly forbidden
to look inside this book.

Yeah? What's it got in
there, a snake centerfold?

If you'll excuse me, I
have secret studyin' to do.

Grandma, would you please
pass me the pork chops?

Well, these things are stone
cold. I got to go heat 'em up.

Well, at least
there's still potatoes.

Bring them potatoes
in too, Naomi.

Ms. Harper, this Cobra
Club must be secretive.

That's why I've
never heard of it.

I'm tellin' ya, them Cobras
are nothin' but trouble.

My Carl wanted to join
and I put my foot down.

I suggest you do the same.

That is where you and I differ.

I stand by my man.

I want him to be
all that he can be.

Oh, for pity's sake, Naomi

he's joining the
Cobra's not the army.

Well, if the Cobras make
him happy, that is fine with me.

Obviously, you have never
heard the Lucille McGowan story.

Is that the movie with Susan
Hayward where she drinks?

Lucille McGowan

that's that pitiful old woman
lives down on Elm street.

- The one with all the cats?
- That's the one.

Lucille and her husband
Earl lived a dream life

until he joined the Cobras.

Nobody knows what really
happened, but all of a sudden

he started spending
more time with the Cobras

and less time at home.

And then one day,
he turned on her

like that evil snake
he was worshipping

and left her all alone.

And that is when the
Cats came into the picture.

Ms. Harper, I don't think
that could happen to Vin...

Don't you be so sure!

We don't know what goes
on at them Cobra meetings.

Who knows what kinda garbage

they're filling
Vinton's head with?

Today he's a locksmith
and a family man.

Tomorrow he could be handing
out incense at the airport.

"When a Cobra meets a Cobra

"they must greet one another

"with the official
Cobra salute."

From the bottom
of my pit, I hiss you.

No, no, not hiss. Salute.

From the bottom of
my pit, I salute you.

What kind of a Cobra
would hiss a friend?

Think, Vint, think. Ow!

- How's it goin', Uncle Vint?
- I don't know, Bubba.

There's so much to remember

the chain of command,
the ceremonial slither

the six levels of molting...

It's worse than
cramming for a final.

Well, why don't
you use crib notes?

Well, isn't that cheatin'?

Heck, no. This isn't school.

Do you think crib notes work?

Well, sure... So I've been told.

Why don't I help you?
I got some index cards.

Well, okay. But if I
show you what's in here

first you have to recite the
Cobra oath of allegiance.

- Whoa!
- Stand up.

Do like this, and
repeat after me.

What I see.

"What I see."

Is a secret written.

"Is a secret written."

- And if I tell.
- "And if I tell."

I'll be cobra bitten.

"I'll be Cobra bitten."

Okay.

Now, we'll start off with
the official Cobra family tree.

Well, what are you
two busy beavers up to?

Well, Bubba's helpin' me
cram for my Cobra ceremony.

Boy! Uncle Vint, this
family tree's unbelievable.

Well, don't mind me. I just
got some housekeepin' to do.

Mama!

I didn't see anything.

Come on, Bubba,
let's go to the basement

where we can study without
the threat of pryin' female eyes.

Oh, well, fine. Go ahead.

You two Cobras
can catch some mice

while you're down there.

Cobras, elks, lions.

It's funny how men
always see themselves

as something that
belongs behind bars.

Well, I cannot believe this.

I have been ordered upstairs

so that he can learn to
be a stupid, old Cobra.

Well, my, my! Haven't
we changed our tune?

Hard to stand by your
man when he's a snake.

This is no time for
jokes, Ms. Harper.

I have been kicked out of my
bedroom by my very own husband.

This is exactly how it
started with Lucille McGowan.

What am I supposed to do now?

If I were you, missy, I
would start collecting cats!

Oh, here's a good one.
"Cora Mae's crab cakes."

I promised Naomi I
would make her and Vinton

a romantic dinner tonight.

Nobody gets lovey-dovey
over crab cakes.

I thought those two
could find romance

in pretzels and a six-pack.

Not lately. All Vinton has on
his mind is this Cobra business.

You mean it's startin'
to hurt their relationship?

What relationship?

Every night Vinton locks
himself in the basement

so he can practice
his mumbo jumbo.

Naomi sits here not knowin'
what to do with herself.

Last night, the poor thing even
offered me to do the dishes.

That's serious.

Hey, grandma, have you
seen my MacRay's shirt?

What do you think I'm ironin'
here, Kermit the Frog's nightie?

Thanks.

Oh! Before I forget...

give these to Uncle
Vint. It's real important.

It's the crib notes for
his induction tonight.

Crib notes? Isn't that cheatin'?

Heck, no. This isn't school.

See ya, grandma. Thanks.

Okay, baby. Don't
slam the... door.

Whoever would've
thought at my age

I'd still have a kid to raise?

Mama, where are you?

Make that two.

What are you doin' home now?

I have to get ready for
my induction ceremony.

- Hi, Vint. Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks, Iola.

You know, my daddy is a
retired double-fine King Cobra.

I know how particular they
are about new members.

They have to walk through
the door of a men's room.

Mama, Can you fix
my ceremonial robe?

I bought this one secondhand

and the scales are falling off.

Good Lord, Vinton.

I dislike a sight of a snake,
much less repair its skin.

I can't go like this.

My daddy's old outfit
is still in the attic.

Why don't you try it on?

I could make the necessary
adjustments while you wait.

Great! Let's go.

Hi there, stranger.

Ooh, am I glad to see you!

Hi, Naomi. Bye, Naomi. Come on.

Honey, where are you going?

- To Iola's to get in my robe.
- What?

I'm helpin' Vinton with his
Cobra costume for tonight.

But you can't go!

Your mama's makin'
us a romantic dinner

and I am providin'
the special dessert.

Naomi, this is an emergency.
I don't have time for supper.

You can warm it up for
me later. Iola, wait for me.

Vinton Harper, I may never
warm up for you ever again!

I'll bet the neighbors
are just lovin' this.

This is the most important
night of Vinton's life

and who is he spending
it with, Iola Boylen!

I guess this means I'm off the
hook for that romantic dinner.

I am ashamed to
say this, Ms. Harper

but I hope he flunks
his induction tonight.

You're talkin' like a wife.

This Cobra business
has gone far enough.

You must put a stop to it.

What can I do?

I know he's gonna
pass with flyin' colors.

Oh, let's just face it.

I'm going to be a Cobra widow!

Well, maybe Vinton
isn't gonna pass.

It's like my mother
always used to say to me.

"Don't count your cobras
before they're hatched."

Knock, knock!

Ladies and Ladies.

Live and in person
Cobra, Vinton Harper.

Well, Skeeter,
what do you think?

Fine, I guess.

Vinton, Bubba said to make
sure I gave these to you.

Said you needed 'em
tonight for the ceremony.

Oh, yeah, my crib notes!

Without these my
goose would be cooked.

With them at least you'll
know the right temperature.

Well, I gotta run. Wish me luck!

- Good luck, baby.
- Thanks, mama!

You are such a
hypocrite, Ms. Harper.

Wishin' him luck with that
stupid induction tonight.

I wished him luck because
he is gonna need it.

You know them crib
notes he's using?

Somehow my recipe cards

managed to get
in there by mistake.

Oh, Ms. Harper, you did it!

When he looks up an answer

all he's gonna get is
Cora Mae's crab cakes.

I cannot believe my ears.

What kind of a mother
sabotages her own son?

Do you realize he
will be hissed out

in front of every Cobra in town?

Is that so bad?

Well, obviously, you do not
know the Owen Pearson story.

Is that the one with Jack
Lemmon where he drinks?

Good Lord, is that the
only kind of movies you see?

Go ahead, Iola.

Well, Owen Pearson
was a real go-getter

successful businessman,
husband, father

Naturally he was
asked to join the Cobras.

Who isn't?

He studied for his
induction night and day.

He was exhausted that
by the time the grand viper

asked him his question,
poor Owen had curled up

and fallen asleep in
the ceremonial basket.

What did they do to him?

He was yanked up, de-scaled,
and hissed out of the room.

The poor man never recovered.

- He didn't?
- No, he lost everything.

To this day, he makes
his living sitting on a corner

selling hand-painted walnuts.

We can't let something
like that happen to Vinton!

I should say not.

Vinton can't paint well
enough to earn a living.

I got to get there right and
warn him about those cards.

Oh, but, Thelma,
you'll never get in.

Of course, I will. Here.

How do I look?

- Like an idiot.
- Good. I'll fit right in.

Boy, this induction
sure has me nervous.

How about you, Vint?

Hey, this is a secret society.

No names, Billy Bob.

You sure seem
cool, fellow inductee.

It's almost like you
know you're gonna pass.

Yeah, I got a feelin'
it's in the cards.

I'll check you
later. I gotta mingle.

Hail, Cobra.

Well, to hell with you, too.

From the bottom of
my pit, I salute you.

Off the top of my
head, I say howdy.

Gosh, I never learned that one.

Lord, I feel like Thelma
Harper in the temple of doom.

Your grand viper commands you...

Cobras, come to order!

Inductees, front and center.

Vinton! Vinton!

Excuse me. Excuse me,
here. Move it, venom breath.

I gotta get up
to the front here.

Another inductee. Let
his presence slither forth.

Uh, excuse me, slithering.

Move it, cottonmouth.

What's the matter, buddy
you got something in your eye?

Silence!

Tonight, you four
will take your first step

towards Cobrahood.

Not yet.

Are you willing to
take the challenge?

We are willing.

Willing.

Are you bold enough
to see it through?

We are bold.

B-bold.

Then, will you dance the
dance of a thousand tales?

We will dance.

Dance?

What's the matter with him?

I thought we were
doin' real good.

Who does he think he
is, anyway, Chuck Barris?

Silence!

Now for the
inductee interrogation.

Remember, Cobra hopefuls

three wrong answers,
and you will be hissed out.

Now, who has the
courage to go first?

I, oh, Grand Viper.

- No, Vinton, no.
- Wait your turn, buddy.

Question number one.

What do you do to a fellow Cobra

when he breaks the Cobra oath?

Uh... uh...

Whip vigorously until frothy.

Wrong!

Not yet!

Question number two.
Now, think carefully.

How long must you
serve as a Cobra

before you can
become Grand Viper?

Uh... uh...

It takes only 30 minutes for
the scum to rise to the top.

Just a minute! Just
a minute here, now!

He has only given
two wrong answers

and he gets another chance.

- Hmm. You are correct.
- Gee, thanks.

- Hail Cobra.
- Oh, hail.

Hey, wait a minute.

He's all yours, Your
Great Viperness.

Now we'll proceed with
question number three.

And I'll betcha he
gets this one right.

Crib notes? Crib notes?

Isn't that cheatin'?

Heck, no, this isn't school.

Silence!

You dare to bring
written material

into your induction ceremony?

Cobras, let the hiss begin!

Uh, well, now... This isn't...
This really isn't necessary.

I'll just show myself out.

♪♪ He's not fit to be a snake ♪♪

♪♪ Chop him up
with hoe and rake ♪♪

I get the idea. I'm leavin'.

♪♪ Known to all as a disgrace ♪♪

♪♪ May the mongoose
chew your face ♪♪

Alright! Who wants
to be a Cobra anyway?

Good Lord! Oh, hiss off.

Gee, that poor guy.

Gee, his voice sounded familiar.

And now, for your
third and final question.

And then they
all started hissin'.

It was the most horrible
sound I ever heard.

Like somebody punched a
hole in the Goodyear Blimp.

Well, I hope nothin' like
that happens to Vinton.

He did spend a lot of
time with those crib notes.

Maybe he actually
learned somethin'.

Maybe they just
asked him something

that required common sense.

Either way, he's doomed.

Hey, everybody. Congratulate me.

I am a Cobra!

- I knew you could do it.
- You didn't get hissed out?

No, but I came awful close.

I didn't need those
crib notes after all.

I did a whole lot
better usin' my brain.

Of course, you did.

Now maybe you'll
use it more often.

Well, I don't have to
anymore. I'm a Cobra.

Well, I'm real
proud of you, Vinton.

It's not every day
you go to this trouble

to make an asp out of yourself.