Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 21 - Mama with the Golden Arm - full transcript
- Right over there.
- Thank you.
Why don't you sit at
the head, Ms. Harper?
Now, there you go, mama.
Now, just forget it
and we'll have a
nice dinner here.
Well, I just can't believe it.
I've never burned
a dinner in my life.
Oh, don't take on
so, now and again
everybody makes a little
mistake in the kitchen.
A little mistake?
That roast was so charred
it belongs in an urn on
Elsie the cow's mantel.
Well, just be glad it
happened on a Friday...
family night at
the Bigger Jigger.
Yeah, boy, just like
it says on the menu...
"All you can eat...
within reason."
I could've sworn I
set that oven on 350.
Oh, now, Thelma, 350, broil...
it's a perfectly
understandable mistake.
- Have you ever done it?
- Of course not!
Well, there, you see?
I'm losin' it. I might as
well hang up my oven mitts.
- Now, mama...
- I mean it!
I can't even cook
a simple roast.
I'm losin' it.
I must be goin' scenic.
Ms. Harper, will you cut it out?
We are here to have a good time.
A hot meal will
cheer you right up.
Good Lord, the
light is bad in here.
Who can even read this menu?
I can.
Well, swell. Now
my eyes are goin'.
Hi, how you folks doin' here?
We're tryin' to
decipher this menu here.
How are the ribs tonight?
Well, they're
pretty spicy, ma'am.
You might want to try somethin'
a little bit gentler
on your stomach.
Maybe I can recommend
the senior citizens' plate.
All the meat's been
pulled off the bone.
Well, that's real good
because they don't trust me
with a knife and fork
down at the home.
Well, I can see she's
a little bit confused.
I'll come back later.
Well, comin' here has
certainly cheered me up!
That bozo's ready to have
me declared brain-dead.
Ms. Harper, don't
be so sensitive.
Mother says the senior
citizens' plate is delicious.
Yeah and it's $2 cheaper.
Terrific, we can put it
towards my tombstone fund.
Uh, testing. Uh, testing.
Good evenin',
ladies and gentlemen.
It's time again, arm-wrestlin'
at the Bigger Jigger!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Tonight's winner will
represent the Jigger
at the tri-state finals
held here next Friday.
The winner will come
away with a $500 prize!
500 bucks!
So get those muscles ready!
What do you say, Uncle
Vint? My muscles are ready.
- Oh! Do it, do it!
- Oh, do it, baby!
You've always had so
much upper-body strength!
I don't know, Skeeter.
Those guys are all semipros.
Give it a try. Why should I
be the only loser at the table?
And here's the man to beat...
our winner for the past
three weeks, Big John McCall.
Oh!
Holy cow!
Gee mama, maybe we
shouldn't. Our food will get cold.
We haven't ordered yet.
Come on, Vinton. There's
nothin' to this arm-wrestlin'.
Oh, yeah? How did you become
such an expert on arm-wrestling?
The same way you became
such an expert on peroxide...
I've been around
it my whole life.
My brothers down on the
farm were forever arm-wrestlin'.
Yo, Floyd. We got a couple
of strong, young men here
who are ready to wrestle!
Bring them on!
Come on, Bubba, get up there!
I love you, baby!
Which of you wimps
wants to bite the dust first?
- This one.
- Hey.
Let's see if Big John's got
more than just a big mouth.
Come on.
Alright, gentlemen... begin!
Alright, watch his elbow.
Keep your knuckles up.
Alright, now, pull hard..
In the other direction!
Big John wins again!
Vint, sit on down.
Show him what the
Harpers are made of.
And listen, Lardo, I'm
watchin' your every move.
Alright, gentlemen...
Begin!
Oh!
For pity's sakes. What say
we make it two out of three?
No way, old lady!
No way, mama.
Well, Big John is the winner!
That's right! I beat
everybody here!
Unless the old lady
wants to challenge me!
Well, just what is
so funny about that?
You're on, Jelly Belly!
Hey, granny, go
home and take a nap.
Hey, you challenged me!
Sit down and let's go for it.
I'm not gonna arm-wrestle you.
What's the matter, Big John?
Are you scared? Are you chicken?
Okay, old lady,
you wanna wrestle?
Let's wrestle.
No, Thelma! You can't!
You just watch me.
I'm ready.
Alright, gentleman,
and, uh, lady...
Ready? Begin!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Am I hurting you, lady?
Die, sucker!
I won I won.
Thank you very much! Thank you!
No fair! She was moanin'!
It doesn't matter
if I was moanin'
or squealin' like a pig!
Your arm was
down, blubber breath!
Floyd, bring me a slab of ribs.
This old lady feels like
chewin' on some bones.
Hail to the conquering hero.
I guess there's
still some life left
in the old gal yet.
Oh, wasn't it the
most exciting night?
Yeah, you said it, Aunt Naomi.
All those people comin' over
to our table to congratulate us.
It was like bein' in
Marvin Hagler's entourage.
Well, you think them
fans went crazy tonight
you just wait till I win
them finals next Friday.
Uh, gee, I wouldn't get
my hopes up, mama.
Tonight was one thing
but that tri-state championship
is somethin' else altogether.
In a hen's heinie!
I KO'd Big John!
The finals is just wrestling
a bunch of old ladies...
women over 50,
who weigh over 135.
Well, yeah, grandma, but
how many of those women
will be as over 50 as you are?
Or as over 135?
What are you tryin' to do
kick me when I'm up?
Now, Thelma is right.
I'm sure she will do just fine
next Friday night.
She's got a week to
come up with a new trick.
What do you mean, a new trick?
No one is gonna fall for
that moanin' act twice.
Yeah, especially in that
senior ladies division.
I hear they fight
dirtier than anybody.
What am I supposed to
do, call the whole thing off?
That might be the
wisest thing, Thelma.
Yeah, and I bet all those
women are professionals.
With managers and trainers
and nicknames like
"Killer Kate," "Bloody Mary."
Shoot. Here I am...
"Thunder-thighs Thelma."
Hey, mama, wait a minute.
I could be your manager.
Yeah. And I could
be your trainer.
We could all help.
I'll take you through
my aerobics routine.
I'll supervise your diet.
You can do roadwork with me.
We'll devote a week to you.
You won't make
a move without us.
Well, now you're startin'
to act like an entourage.
Vinton, how about a
rubdown for this golden arm?
Naomi, I believe I
could use a manicure.
Come on, grandma,
we're almost there.
Just once around the
kitchen, and we'll call it quits.
Grandma, where are ya?
It wasn't that bad,
was it, grandma?
Grandma, what you should
do is keep your muscles movin'
after a big run like that.
Oh, go tell it to Zola Budd.
Lord, there's no reason for
me to be runnin' my feet off!
I'm not leg-wrestlin'.
Grandma, joggin' gets
your whole body healthy.
Just what is so healthy
about gettin' blisters
on my bunions
inhalin' car exhaust
and bein' attacked
by a Weimaraner?
Grandma, Heinrich
was just playin'.
Besides, he won't even
be able to catch you
once you've picked
up some speed.
Yeah, I'm gonna be
speedin' right along...
in the back of an ambulance.
Mama.
Mama.
- Mama!
- Oh! Good Lord, Vinton!
What the hell's the
matter with you?
I'm sorry. What are you doin'?
I'm performin' brain surgery.
What does it
look like I'm doin'?
You know, mama, that
match is only a few days away
and I thought we ought to go
over the mental aspects of it.
My mind's in the crack of
this sofa. I found change here.
Oh, never mind that.
I got to teach you how to
psych out your opponent.
Now, here. Look me in the eye.
No, not like that.
You got to look tough.
You got to look mean.
It's like coach used to
say to us linebackers...
"It's all in the eyes."
It wasn't in the hands and feet
'cause you never made
a tackle in your life.
Quit starin' at me like that.
Mama, victory is
all in your attitude.
I just finished this book
about how positive
thinkin' can help you win.
Positive thinkin', huh?
Yeah. All you got to do
is repeat this phrase
over and over to yourself.
What phrase, Vinton?
"I think I can."
"I think I can."
"I think I can."
Good Lord, Vinton
that's "the little
engine that could"!
Yeah! Ha ha. Have
you read it, too?
Get outta my livin' room.
- That's it. That's the look.
- Out!
That's great! Just
remember that little engine.
"I think I can. I think I can."
Oh, go blow it out
your smokestack!
I think I can.
Thelma Harper, you
put that down this instant.
Oh, Iola. This wasn't for me.
It wasn't, huh?
No, I was just makin' Bubba
a little after school snack.
Bologna and a beer?
Shame on you, Thelma.
Oh, Iola, just let me
sniff the saran wrap.
You are in trainin'.
Now, you know the rules.
This is lunch.
Steak and potatoes again, huh?
No, it is wheatgrass
and millet bran
in broccoli juice.
Good Lord, I could
graze in the front lawn
and get a better lunch.
Bottoms up, Thelma.
It'll give you strength,
stamina, and speed.
Well, at least it
gave her speed.
And reach, reach, reach, reach.
Feel the burn, feel the burn.
I'm burnin' my buns
off here, Barbarella.
Alright, now everybody
turn to the left
and sit down.
Put your legs
straight in front of you
and touch your toe
and touch your other toe.
And reach, reach.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... and three...
and four! Oh, very good.
Now everyone
stand up, face front...
Well, Ms. Harper.
What on earth are you doing?
These exercises are for you.
Grandma, the finals are
tonight. Quit messin' around.
That's right, Thelma. You
are only hurting yourself.
That's not true! I got all
of you to do that for me!
Now, what's that crack
supposed to mean?
It means, for the past week
I have been jogged and
bullied and starved and burned
to a fare-thee-well.
I should be up for my
match and after this
I barely have strength
to pull down my drawers
much less someone else's arm.
Let's face it... this is just
one little engine that can't.
Come on, now, Ms.
Harper, never say die.
Yeah, she's right, grandma.
Remember, you won't
be goin' in there alone.
You got your family to count on.
I'm doomed.
And now... now... now... now...
Raytonians... ans... ans...
I do that just to make
the place seem bigger.
And now's the moment
you've all been waitin' for
the senior ladies
division finals!
Vinton, I can't go
through with this.
Ms. Harper, you have
to. What would we say?
Tell them I went to spit
and the hogs ate me.
I'm gettin' out while
the gettin' is good.
And there she is...
our defendin' champion,
Thelma Harper.
Come on up here, Thelma.
So, Thelma, are you feelin'
lean and mean tonight?
More like fat and foolish.
Oh, nonsense. I'm
sure you'll do us proud.
Is the senior ladies division
champion from Hinckley here?
Well, uh, that looks
like a no-show.
Oh! What a shame.
Well, if she isn't
here by five after...
then you're our
winner by default.
- I am?
- Those are the rules.
Oh! Oh, I-I would
hate to win that way.
All these wonderful people
have come to see a good fight
and it would break my
heart to disappoint them.
Well, uh, maybe there's
some senior lady here
who'd like to challenge you.
Well, that's a great idea.
How 'bout granny down there?
Yeah, you, with the flabby arms.
Come on up here! Let's
give them a good fight.
What can I say?
My reputation's
got them all scared.
Alright, last call for the
finalist from Hinckley.
The finalist is here.
Just a minute, Big John!
You ain't no senior lady!
No, but my ma is.
Meet Big Joan!
Big Joan?
You know, another
10 seconds, Big Joan
and you would've
been disqualified.
I think your watch
is runnin' slow.
Anybody else got five after?
Quit stallin', four-eyes.
Get your arm on that
table so's I can pull it down.
Oh, yeah? Just what makes
you think you're so tough?
You see that? I got
that in a brawl in Tijuana.
Well... big deal. You see that?
I got that from a steam
iron set on "Linen."
knife wound.
Dishpan elbow.
Here's where I got
gored by a rampagin' bull.
Shoot, that's nothin'.
I got stretch marks that
would make you weep.
Alright, ladies, y'all set?
Uh, I would like to confer
with my manager and
training staff for a minute.
Well, I'll give you 60 seconds.
What am I gonna do?
I'm proud that you
stood up to her.
Get me outta this!
Nonsense, Ms. Harper.
You can pull it off.
The only thing that's gonna
get pulled off is my arm.
Thelma, I'm sure
it'll be a fair fight.
Iola, no woman in a dog
collar is gonna fight fair.
Mama, you got to
psych yourself up.
Tell yourself how good you are.
Yeah, remember... you're tough!
- I'm tough?
- You're rough.
- I'm rough.
- You're not Thelma Harper.
You're "Grambo."
- Grambo!
- Yee-ha!
Yeah, Big Joan is
no match for you.
- She's a worm.
- Yeah.
- A mosquito!
- Yeah.
- A flea!
- Yeah.
She's about to meet
up with a no-pest strip!
Let me at her!
Grambo! Grambo!
Alright, Floyd, let's get
this show on the road.
Alright, ladies, I want
a nice, clean fight.
Keep your hands on the
pegs and feet on the floor.
Remember... two
fouls and you lose.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
Does the Bigger Jigger
carry hospitalization?
I hope so, because
you are gonna need it.
Oh, yeah? You just went out...
Let me at her!
Let me at her!
Alright, ladies,
save it for the fight.
Put your arms in position.
Alright... ready... begin!
Go, Big Ma.
Put your shoulder into it.
Come on, pull her down.
Give it everything.
What do you think
I'm doin' here?
You can do it.
Oh! I'm losin' all my strength!
Hang in there, Thelma.
- No, I can't.
- Mama, you got to.
Me and Naomi bet our whole
life savings on this match.
And if you lose, we'll have
to live in your basement
for the rest our lives.
Ah!
And the winner is Thelma Harper.
I not only got me 500 smackers
I got me a work of art, as well.
Where'll put it, Thelma?
Right here on my TV.
I'm just gonna retire
these flamingos.
What are you gonna do
with that 500 bucks, grandma?
Well, seein' as how I
couldn't have done this alone
I'm gonna divide
it with all of you.
Thelma, how sweet.
I'm sure that Vint and Naomi
will divide their
winnings, as well.
Oh, no, no, mama.
No, we didn't bet
our life savings.
What?
Well, we don't have
any life savings.
No, we just made that up
to push you over the top.
Oh, Vint, how clever of you.
Well, it just came to me.
Well, thanks to me,
now you got somethin'
to put towards
your life savings.
Here's a buck for each of you.
- Thank you.
Why don't you sit at
the head, Ms. Harper?
Now, there you go, mama.
Now, just forget it
and we'll have a
nice dinner here.
Well, I just can't believe it.
I've never burned
a dinner in my life.
Oh, don't take on
so, now and again
everybody makes a little
mistake in the kitchen.
A little mistake?
That roast was so charred
it belongs in an urn on
Elsie the cow's mantel.
Well, just be glad it
happened on a Friday...
family night at
the Bigger Jigger.
Yeah, boy, just like
it says on the menu...
"All you can eat...
within reason."
I could've sworn I
set that oven on 350.
Oh, now, Thelma, 350, broil...
it's a perfectly
understandable mistake.
- Have you ever done it?
- Of course not!
Well, there, you see?
I'm losin' it. I might as
well hang up my oven mitts.
- Now, mama...
- I mean it!
I can't even cook
a simple roast.
I'm losin' it.
I must be goin' scenic.
Ms. Harper, will you cut it out?
We are here to have a good time.
A hot meal will
cheer you right up.
Good Lord, the
light is bad in here.
Who can even read this menu?
I can.
Well, swell. Now
my eyes are goin'.
Hi, how you folks doin' here?
We're tryin' to
decipher this menu here.
How are the ribs tonight?
Well, they're
pretty spicy, ma'am.
You might want to try somethin'
a little bit gentler
on your stomach.
Maybe I can recommend
the senior citizens' plate.
All the meat's been
pulled off the bone.
Well, that's real good
because they don't trust me
with a knife and fork
down at the home.
Well, I can see she's
a little bit confused.
I'll come back later.
Well, comin' here has
certainly cheered me up!
That bozo's ready to have
me declared brain-dead.
Ms. Harper, don't
be so sensitive.
Mother says the senior
citizens' plate is delicious.
Yeah and it's $2 cheaper.
Terrific, we can put it
towards my tombstone fund.
Uh, testing. Uh, testing.
Good evenin',
ladies and gentlemen.
It's time again, arm-wrestlin'
at the Bigger Jigger!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Tonight's winner will
represent the Jigger
at the tri-state finals
held here next Friday.
The winner will come
away with a $500 prize!
500 bucks!
So get those muscles ready!
What do you say, Uncle
Vint? My muscles are ready.
- Oh! Do it, do it!
- Oh, do it, baby!
You've always had so
much upper-body strength!
I don't know, Skeeter.
Those guys are all semipros.
Give it a try. Why should I
be the only loser at the table?
And here's the man to beat...
our winner for the past
three weeks, Big John McCall.
Oh!
Holy cow!
Gee mama, maybe we
shouldn't. Our food will get cold.
We haven't ordered yet.
Come on, Vinton. There's
nothin' to this arm-wrestlin'.
Oh, yeah? How did you become
such an expert on arm-wrestling?
The same way you became
such an expert on peroxide...
I've been around
it my whole life.
My brothers down on the
farm were forever arm-wrestlin'.
Yo, Floyd. We got a couple
of strong, young men here
who are ready to wrestle!
Bring them on!
Come on, Bubba, get up there!
I love you, baby!
Which of you wimps
wants to bite the dust first?
- This one.
- Hey.
Let's see if Big John's got
more than just a big mouth.
Come on.
Alright, gentlemen... begin!
Alright, watch his elbow.
Keep your knuckles up.
Alright, now, pull hard..
In the other direction!
Big John wins again!
Vint, sit on down.
Show him what the
Harpers are made of.
And listen, Lardo, I'm
watchin' your every move.
Alright, gentlemen...
Begin!
Oh!
For pity's sakes. What say
we make it two out of three?
No way, old lady!
No way, mama.
Well, Big John is the winner!
That's right! I beat
everybody here!
Unless the old lady
wants to challenge me!
Well, just what is
so funny about that?
You're on, Jelly Belly!
Hey, granny, go
home and take a nap.
Hey, you challenged me!
Sit down and let's go for it.
I'm not gonna arm-wrestle you.
What's the matter, Big John?
Are you scared? Are you chicken?
Okay, old lady,
you wanna wrestle?
Let's wrestle.
No, Thelma! You can't!
You just watch me.
I'm ready.
Alright, gentleman,
and, uh, lady...
Ready? Begin!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Am I hurting you, lady?
Die, sucker!
I won I won.
Thank you very much! Thank you!
No fair! She was moanin'!
It doesn't matter
if I was moanin'
or squealin' like a pig!
Your arm was
down, blubber breath!
Floyd, bring me a slab of ribs.
This old lady feels like
chewin' on some bones.
Hail to the conquering hero.
I guess there's
still some life left
in the old gal yet.
Oh, wasn't it the
most exciting night?
Yeah, you said it, Aunt Naomi.
All those people comin' over
to our table to congratulate us.
It was like bein' in
Marvin Hagler's entourage.
Well, you think them
fans went crazy tonight
you just wait till I win
them finals next Friday.
Uh, gee, I wouldn't get
my hopes up, mama.
Tonight was one thing
but that tri-state championship
is somethin' else altogether.
In a hen's heinie!
I KO'd Big John!
The finals is just wrestling
a bunch of old ladies...
women over 50,
who weigh over 135.
Well, yeah, grandma, but
how many of those women
will be as over 50 as you are?
Or as over 135?
What are you tryin' to do
kick me when I'm up?
Now, Thelma is right.
I'm sure she will do just fine
next Friday night.
She's got a week to
come up with a new trick.
What do you mean, a new trick?
No one is gonna fall for
that moanin' act twice.
Yeah, especially in that
senior ladies division.
I hear they fight
dirtier than anybody.
What am I supposed to
do, call the whole thing off?
That might be the
wisest thing, Thelma.
Yeah, and I bet all those
women are professionals.
With managers and trainers
and nicknames like
"Killer Kate," "Bloody Mary."
Shoot. Here I am...
"Thunder-thighs Thelma."
Hey, mama, wait a minute.
I could be your manager.
Yeah. And I could
be your trainer.
We could all help.
I'll take you through
my aerobics routine.
I'll supervise your diet.
You can do roadwork with me.
We'll devote a week to you.
You won't make
a move without us.
Well, now you're startin'
to act like an entourage.
Vinton, how about a
rubdown for this golden arm?
Naomi, I believe I
could use a manicure.
Come on, grandma,
we're almost there.
Just once around the
kitchen, and we'll call it quits.
Grandma, where are ya?
It wasn't that bad,
was it, grandma?
Grandma, what you should
do is keep your muscles movin'
after a big run like that.
Oh, go tell it to Zola Budd.
Lord, there's no reason for
me to be runnin' my feet off!
I'm not leg-wrestlin'.
Grandma, joggin' gets
your whole body healthy.
Just what is so healthy
about gettin' blisters
on my bunions
inhalin' car exhaust
and bein' attacked
by a Weimaraner?
Grandma, Heinrich
was just playin'.
Besides, he won't even
be able to catch you
once you've picked
up some speed.
Yeah, I'm gonna be
speedin' right along...
in the back of an ambulance.
Mama.
Mama.
- Mama!
- Oh! Good Lord, Vinton!
What the hell's the
matter with you?
I'm sorry. What are you doin'?
I'm performin' brain surgery.
What does it
look like I'm doin'?
You know, mama, that
match is only a few days away
and I thought we ought to go
over the mental aspects of it.
My mind's in the crack of
this sofa. I found change here.
Oh, never mind that.
I got to teach you how to
psych out your opponent.
Now, here. Look me in the eye.
No, not like that.
You got to look tough.
You got to look mean.
It's like coach used to
say to us linebackers...
"It's all in the eyes."
It wasn't in the hands and feet
'cause you never made
a tackle in your life.
Quit starin' at me like that.
Mama, victory is
all in your attitude.
I just finished this book
about how positive
thinkin' can help you win.
Positive thinkin', huh?
Yeah. All you got to do
is repeat this phrase
over and over to yourself.
What phrase, Vinton?
"I think I can."
"I think I can."
"I think I can."
Good Lord, Vinton
that's "the little
engine that could"!
Yeah! Ha ha. Have
you read it, too?
Get outta my livin' room.
- That's it. That's the look.
- Out!
That's great! Just
remember that little engine.
"I think I can. I think I can."
Oh, go blow it out
your smokestack!
I think I can.
Thelma Harper, you
put that down this instant.
Oh, Iola. This wasn't for me.
It wasn't, huh?
No, I was just makin' Bubba
a little after school snack.
Bologna and a beer?
Shame on you, Thelma.
Oh, Iola, just let me
sniff the saran wrap.
You are in trainin'.
Now, you know the rules.
This is lunch.
Steak and potatoes again, huh?
No, it is wheatgrass
and millet bran
in broccoli juice.
Good Lord, I could
graze in the front lawn
and get a better lunch.
Bottoms up, Thelma.
It'll give you strength,
stamina, and speed.
Well, at least it
gave her speed.
And reach, reach, reach, reach.
Feel the burn, feel the burn.
I'm burnin' my buns
off here, Barbarella.
Alright, now everybody
turn to the left
and sit down.
Put your legs
straight in front of you
and touch your toe
and touch your other toe.
And reach, reach.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... three... four.
And one... two... and three...
and four! Oh, very good.
Now everyone
stand up, face front...
Well, Ms. Harper.
What on earth are you doing?
These exercises are for you.
Grandma, the finals are
tonight. Quit messin' around.
That's right, Thelma. You
are only hurting yourself.
That's not true! I got all
of you to do that for me!
Now, what's that crack
supposed to mean?
It means, for the past week
I have been jogged and
bullied and starved and burned
to a fare-thee-well.
I should be up for my
match and after this
I barely have strength
to pull down my drawers
much less someone else's arm.
Let's face it... this is just
one little engine that can't.
Come on, now, Ms.
Harper, never say die.
Yeah, she's right, grandma.
Remember, you won't
be goin' in there alone.
You got your family to count on.
I'm doomed.
And now... now... now... now...
Raytonians... ans... ans...
I do that just to make
the place seem bigger.
And now's the moment
you've all been waitin' for
the senior ladies
division finals!
Vinton, I can't go
through with this.
Ms. Harper, you have
to. What would we say?
Tell them I went to spit
and the hogs ate me.
I'm gettin' out while
the gettin' is good.
And there she is...
our defendin' champion,
Thelma Harper.
Come on up here, Thelma.
So, Thelma, are you feelin'
lean and mean tonight?
More like fat and foolish.
Oh, nonsense. I'm
sure you'll do us proud.
Is the senior ladies division
champion from Hinckley here?
Well, uh, that looks
like a no-show.
Oh! What a shame.
Well, if she isn't
here by five after...
then you're our
winner by default.
- I am?
- Those are the rules.
Oh! Oh, I-I would
hate to win that way.
All these wonderful people
have come to see a good fight
and it would break my
heart to disappoint them.
Well, uh, maybe there's
some senior lady here
who'd like to challenge you.
Well, that's a great idea.
How 'bout granny down there?
Yeah, you, with the flabby arms.
Come on up here! Let's
give them a good fight.
What can I say?
My reputation's
got them all scared.
Alright, last call for the
finalist from Hinckley.
The finalist is here.
Just a minute, Big John!
You ain't no senior lady!
No, but my ma is.
Meet Big Joan!
Big Joan?
You know, another
10 seconds, Big Joan
and you would've
been disqualified.
I think your watch
is runnin' slow.
Anybody else got five after?
Quit stallin', four-eyes.
Get your arm on that
table so's I can pull it down.
Oh, yeah? Just what makes
you think you're so tough?
You see that? I got
that in a brawl in Tijuana.
Well... big deal. You see that?
I got that from a steam
iron set on "Linen."
knife wound.
Dishpan elbow.
Here's where I got
gored by a rampagin' bull.
Shoot, that's nothin'.
I got stretch marks that
would make you weep.
Alright, ladies, y'all set?
Uh, I would like to confer
with my manager and
training staff for a minute.
Well, I'll give you 60 seconds.
What am I gonna do?
I'm proud that you
stood up to her.
Get me outta this!
Nonsense, Ms. Harper.
You can pull it off.
The only thing that's gonna
get pulled off is my arm.
Thelma, I'm sure
it'll be a fair fight.
Iola, no woman in a dog
collar is gonna fight fair.
Mama, you got to
psych yourself up.
Tell yourself how good you are.
Yeah, remember... you're tough!
- I'm tough?
- You're rough.
- I'm rough.
- You're not Thelma Harper.
You're "Grambo."
- Grambo!
- Yee-ha!
Yeah, Big Joan is
no match for you.
- She's a worm.
- Yeah.
- A mosquito!
- Yeah.
- A flea!
- Yeah.
She's about to meet
up with a no-pest strip!
Let me at her!
Grambo! Grambo!
Alright, Floyd, let's get
this show on the road.
Alright, ladies, I want
a nice, clean fight.
Keep your hands on the
pegs and feet on the floor.
Remember... two
fouls and you lose.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
Does the Bigger Jigger
carry hospitalization?
I hope so, because
you are gonna need it.
Oh, yeah? You just went out...
Let me at her!
Let me at her!
Alright, ladies,
save it for the fight.
Put your arms in position.
Alright... ready... begin!
Go, Big Ma.
Put your shoulder into it.
Come on, pull her down.
Give it everything.
What do you think
I'm doin' here?
You can do it.
Oh! I'm losin' all my strength!
Hang in there, Thelma.
- No, I can't.
- Mama, you got to.
Me and Naomi bet our whole
life savings on this match.
And if you lose, we'll have
to live in your basement
for the rest our lives.
Ah!
And the winner is Thelma Harper.
I not only got me 500 smackers
I got me a work of art, as well.
Where'll put it, Thelma?
Right here on my TV.
I'm just gonna retire
these flamingos.
What are you gonna do
with that 500 bucks, grandma?
Well, seein' as how I
couldn't have done this alone
I'm gonna divide
it with all of you.
Thelma, how sweet.
I'm sure that Vint and Naomi
will divide their
winnings, as well.
Oh, no, no, mama.
No, we didn't bet
our life savings.
What?
Well, we don't have
any life savings.
No, we just made that up
to push you over the top.
Oh, Vint, how clever of you.
Well, it just came to me.
Well, thanks to me,
now you got somethin'
to put towards
your life savings.
Here's a buck for each of you.