Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 20 - Mama's Cousin - full transcript

Mama!

Bubba, how come mama
is so late? I'm starvin'!

She's still at her Ladies'
meeting at the church.

Have you ever noticed
how those ladies

always have their church
meetings at the exact same time

when they're supposed
to be home cookin' supper?

Oh, this assignment
is impossible!

- I can't do it.
- Why? What's the problem?

Well, we're supposed
to write this essay about

the most inspirational
person in our life.

I was gonna do mine on
T-Boy, but Dwayne took him.



Well, there must
be somebody else.

Don't you have some... strong,
male father figure in your life?

Somebody who gives you
advice, listens to your problems

helps you with your spitball?

Gee, not that I know of.

And then his pants fell down!

Hey, everybody.

- Hi, Vint.
- Hello, Iola.

- Mama! It is 5:47!
- That's real good, Vinton.

You keep your eye
on Mr. Clock there

and when the big
hand gets up to the 12,

you can recite your ABC's.

I'm sorry we're so late, but
the church meetin' ran long.

You boys would've
been so proud of Thelma.



She just single-handedly saved
our church from destruction.

Wow! What happened?

Reverend Meechum
came to our meetin'

and said he wanted us to
cancel our annual bake sale.

And he dares call himself
"A man of the cloth!"

All because some yahoo
filed a lawsuit last year

claimin' he got food poisoning

from Kaye Cheeseman's
Devil's Food Delight.

That's terrible!

What would the church
be without the bake sale?

That's exactly what I
told Reverend Meechum.

Kaye Cheeseman's Devil's
Food Delight might be dry

and taste like the bottom of
a birdcage, but it ain't poison.

And this bake
sale is gonna go on

come heck or high water.

At that point, all
the women rose

to their feet in
thunderous applause!

Oh, I wouldn't exactly
call it "Thunderous."

Thunder doesn't
usually last that long.

Hey, way to go, mama!

Oh, y'all should
have been there.

She was inspirational.

Hey, that's it!

I can do my essay for
school all about you, grandma!

If it will help to
further your education

who am I to say no?

Oh! Mama, I almost forgot.

This registered letter came
for you while you were gone.

Registered letter? Good
Lord, I hope nobody's died!

- Oh, it's just Cousin Lydia.
- She died?

Can a dead person
send a registered letter?

She's on her way to
the Club Med in Cancun.

She wants to stop over
in Raytown and see us.

- Who's Cousin Lydia?
- Mama's cousin from Atlanta.

They were best friends
when they were kids.

She wants to have a slumber
party like in the old days.

She'll be here on the 15th!

Grandma, that's tomorrow!

Well, good Lord, how
can she do this to me?

- Look at this pigsty!
- Don't worry. I'll help.

It's just like Lydia to
pull a stunt like this!

I'm supposed to drop
everything at a minute's notice

for a woman I haven't
heard from in ages!

She sends you a
birthday card every year.

Oh, yeah, to remind me that
I'm six months older than she is!

A slumber party with
an old childhood friend?

- It'll be fun!
- Sure, fun for her!

She is comin' back
home the big success

to find me the same pathetic
failure I was when she left.

- Grandma, why'd she think that?
- Well, I don't know, Bubba.

I guess she hadn't heard
about me winnin' the Nobel prize.

- Mama, when's dinner?
- The hell with dinner!

I gotta figure out a
way to lose 20 pounds

and get a face lift
before tomorrow!

Mmm! Chicken Divan.

That oughta teach her she
ain't breakin' bread with a hick.

Alright, Thelma, I have
sucked up every particle of dust

in the entire living room.

- Under the sofa?
- Check.

- Behind the drapes?
- Check.

In between them little
pleats on the lampshades?

Thelma, anybody who looks
there deserves what they find.

- Calm down!
- I can't calm down!

Did you ever have a friend who,
no matter how good you looked

made you feel
like an old dishrag?

Of course not.
You're my only friend.

Well, that's the way it
always was with me and Lydia.

She was "it" on a stick,
and I was the stick.

Lord, I'm a wreck! Here.

Oh, stop worryin'!
Everything's gonna be fine!

- Hi, Vint.
- Hi, Iola.

Doesn't your mother's
dinner smell delicious?

Yeah. What is it, pot roast?

No, it is Chicken Divan and
broccoli with cashew butter!

Oh, gee, it smelled
just like your pot roast.

I kinda had my heart set on it.

Lydia eats in the fanciest
restaurants in the world.

I'm not sendin' her back
to her hoity-toity friends

with pot roast on her breath!

Iola, does this
dress look alright?

"Alright"? It's fabulous!

They just ruined my
hair at the beauty spot.

It has never been this gray!

Stop it, Thelma.
You look wonderful.

- Wait till you see Lydia.
- Oh, is she pretty?

Oh, Lord, yes, in sort of
a stuck-up kind of a way.

She's one of them
interior decorators.

So with her, every
little thing is grand.

"Oh, isn't that a
grand spatula?"

"Oh, my, what a
grand can opener!"

The crummier somethin'
is, the grander she makes it.

"Oh, Thelma, I just
stepped in dog mess

and doesn't my
shoe smell grand?"

That's her!

I gotta go get my dessert!

Bubba, get your feet down.

Vinton, stash that
newspaper and get over here!

Alright, you goons... I want
you to be on your best behavior!

I want this woman
to be impressed!

Why, Thelma Harper,
don't you look grand?

Come on in. Give me a big hug.

Oh, Thelma, it has
been much too long.

Don't tell me this
good-lookin' man is little Vinton!

Yeah, it's little me, alright.

I wish you could've
met my little wife, Naomi.

She's out of town,
givin' a speech

at a supermarket convention.

Yeah. It's called "The checkout
scanner. Friend or foe?"

How utterly fascinatin'.

Boy, that sure is a
fancy outfit you got on.

Do you like this? I have
always been a slave to fashion.

Thelma used to be, too.

Yeah. Now, I'm just a slave.

Uh, Lydia, this is Eunice
and Ed's boy, Bubba.

Well, hello, Bubba!

- I have heard all about you.
- Uh-oh.

Thelma, it's so hard to believe

that you are old enough to
have a grandson this grown-up.

You're old enough to have
one six months younger.

Why don't we all sit down?
Vinton, go get Lydia's baggage.

Lydia, it was
silly to take a cab.

Vinton's got enough room for
you and your luggage in his pickup.

Oh, you know, I
practically live in a cab.

Vinton, be an angel and
put that here and open it up.

I got little presents
for all of you!

You shouldn't have done that!

- Absolutely not.
- You hardly know us.

Oh, nonsense! What better
way to get to know somebody

than to give them a present
they will never forget?

Vinton, I hope
you still like to fish.

Fish?

Wow! It's a
closed-face spinnin' reel!

Hey! That's the same kind they
use on "Fishing With Orlando."

Oh, and Vinton, I picked
this up for your lovely wife

on my last trip to Paris.

"Parfum."

Oh! Oh! Is this real
French perfume?

Mais oui.

I think our duty-free
shop at the airport

carries that junk.

Bubba, this big case
in the corner is for you.

Yeah?

- Oh!
- Wow! It's a typewriter!

This is the nicest
present I ever got.

Oh, Lydia, that is too much!

I haven't got any
family of my own.

The least you can let
me do is spoil yours.

And this is for
you, cousin dear.

Go ahead, grandma! Open it up!

Hey, isn't that somethin'?

Yeah. What the hell is it?

It is a ceremonial kimono.

I picked it up in Japan.
They are all the rage!

You can wear it as a
robe, or a hostess gown

or as a chichi wrap
over your formal.

That's just what I need

somethin' chichi to
take out the garbage in.

Try it on, Thelma.

It makes a real
fashion statement!

Thanks just the same, Lydia,
but if I wanted my clothes

to make a statement, I'd
wear a sandwich board.

- I've gotta check on my dinner.
- Is there anything I can do?

Yeah. Stay right where you are.

It smells simply grand, Thelma!

I bet you made my
favorite, pot roast!

Cousin Lydia, even
though we just met, I can tell

you're gonna be the most
inspirational person in my life.

I'm gonna write my essay
for school all about you!

Knock, knock!

- Hi, Vint.
- Hi, Iola.

Oh, company!
Well, don't mind me.

I came to drop off the cobbler.
Be out of your way in a jiff.

Oh! This is Iola Boylen,
our neighbor and good friend.

Oh, Vint, what a
lovely thing to say.

What a pleasure
it is to meet you.

Aren't these the most
adorable little potholders?

Thank you. I made them myself.

You did? They are simply grand!

Little watermelons.

I've a friend in the city

who runs a marvelous
folk-art boutique.

I bet you he'd buy as many of
those as you would make him.

Really? My little watermelons
in a chic boutique?

You remind me to give
you his number before I go.

I will! Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Oh, Thelma, I just
love your cousin!

- That's what she's here for.
- A double batch of cobbler.

You'll have more
than enough for five.

- There's only four of us.
- Oh, did I say five?

I meant four, but
there is enough

in case you do
have an extra guest?

If you wanna chow down with
Ms. Priss, why don't you say so?

Thank you! I never met anyone
so cosmopolitan and urbane!

She is a stuck-up
snob, and I hate her guts!

Thelma!

She's been here for ten minutes

and she's got everybody
fawning at her feet!

Did you see that typewriter
she gave to Bubba?

He can't even eat with a knife
and a fork, much less type.

There is nothin' wrong
with bein' generous.

Tell it to your
God-awful watermelons!

Thelma, we haven't
had a minute to talk.

I'm gonna come in
and give you a hand.

You keep that woman
out of my kitchen!

Uh, everything's under control.

Why don't y'all just
take your seats?

Nonsense! I'm goin' to help
and I won't take no for an answer.

Thelma, is somethin'
wrong with your door?

Yes, there is a nut
loose on the other side!

Get out of the way so I
can serve the damn dinner!

- Boy, these salads look grand!
- Shut up and eat!

And then the best part

my cook barges right
into my dinner party

looks dear Truman Capote
square in the face, and says

"If you want it rare I give
it to you in cold blood."

You see, Truman Capote
wrote the novel "In Cold Blood."

That's funny. "In cold blood."

Isn't Cousin Lydia a riot?

Imagine havin' Truman
Capote at a dinner party.

Yeah. The only celebrity we ever
ate with was Ronald McDonald.

And Cousin Lydia.

Why don't y'all go
on into the living room

for coffee and dessert,
and I'll clear the table.

Oh, Thelma, don't be a
drudge. Come join the party!

Pardon me, but the "drudge"
has gotta wash the dishes

before the food sets.

It's my cook's night off.

Well, shall we repair
to the livin' room?

Vint, if you get the
coffee, I'll bring the dessert.

It is just wonderful how
Thelma's decor never changes.

I happen to know for a fact

that that dining room wallpaper
was discontinued in 1953.

Wasn't Thelma's
dinner delicious?

She really outdid herself!

Oh, it was simply grand, Thelma!

With so many people
health conscious nowadays

it is a real comfort to know,
there's somebody still cookin'

their vegetables in grease.

It was cashew butter!

What would you say has
been your secret to success?

I would say it is
recognizin' an opportunity

and grabbin' onto it!

My late husband, Buck,
was a very gifted carpenter.

I could see that he had the
talent for architectural design

and I encouraged
him to go for it.

- Did you meet Buck in Atlanta?
- Oh, no, dear.

He was a Raytown boy.
Thelma introduced us.

I think he even went
out with her for a while.

Thelma, didn't you
used to date Buck?

Is she losin' her coordination?

No, I think it's just all the
grease from the vegetables.

Thelma has made quite a
name for herself in Raytown.

- Indeed?
- Oh, you bet.

Nobody can top her at
cookin' and housekeepin'!

And she makes all her own
clothes, sews like a demon.

She was elected president of
the Ladies' League at the church.

Well, I had no idea!

I can't imagine Thelma
presidin' over a group.

She hasn't said two
words since I got here.

You should have
seen her yesterday!

She was a female filibuster
out to save the bake sale!

It's funny you should
mention bake sale.

I just did a fundraiser for
the art society in Atlanta

and we used the old-fashioned
cakewalk for our theme.

You mean people paid
money to walk on cakes?

Bubba, bless your
heart. Oh, my, no.

We got different
stores and corporations

to sponsor each cake.

We raised over $10,000.

My word! Do you suppose we
could do that with our bake sale?

- I don't see why not.
- We could if you'd help us!

Would you act as
our technical advisor?

Why don't you just
elect her president

and then she can run
the whole damn thing?

There's no need to get
your nose out of joint.

It is not my nose stuck in
somebody else's business.

I think all this excitement
has been too much for her.

Why don't we go upstairs
and have our slumber party?

I wouldn't slumber with you if
you were Tom Selleck in drag!

- Thelma, she's your guest.
- Excuse the hell out of me.

I guess I've forgotten
how to act around royalty.

I'm goin' up to bed.

Take Bubba's room, Lydia.
Bubba, sleep on the sofa.

The sofa?

Perhaps I should
stay at a hotel.

At this point, Miss
Wonderful, for all I care

you can wrap yourself
in your fancy kimono

douse yourself with
your French perfume

and pitch a tent
on the front lawn!

I guess she can say
more than two words.

Come in.

- I brought you fresh linens.
- Thank you.

Wanna move your suitcase
so I can make your bed?

- No need. I'll manage.
- What's the matter?

You afraid there's somethin'
I can do better than you?

Oh, come now, Thelma.

You are much better at
hurtin' people than I am.

Don't sell yourself short.

If that's the way you
feel, I'm sorry I even came.

Sorry, my foot!

Never in your life
have you passed up

an opportunity to put me down.

I haven't the faintest idea
what you are talkin' about!

Get down off your
high horse, Lady Aster.

You were downstairs,
workin' that room

charmin' the pants
off of my family

just so you could show me up.

You know what your problem is?

You are jealous. You
are pea-green with envy.

I ain't pea-green. I'm teed off.

You've always gone
after everybody I loved.

My mother, my family.

You even stole
Buck Reilly from me!

Are you nuts?

You asked me to take
Buck off your hands.

You said he was a big, dumb
cluck who smelled of sawdust.

I sure as hell didn't have
to ask you twice, did I?

Come off it, Thelma.
You never loved Buck.

In those days, you only
had eyes for Carl Harper.

A real friend would have
talked some sense into me.

Shoot, I could have been
Miss Got Rocks in Atlanta

if you'd have kept
your claws out of Buck.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

If you had married Buck

he'd have stayed
in that lumber mill.

I dragged him, kickin'
and screamin' to Atlanta.

I am the one who pushed
him and prodded him

and molded him
into a big success.

Don't you sound just like
cold-blooded Jane Wyman

in "Falcon Crest"?

You're startin' to sound
a little bit like Donna Mills.

She's on "Knots Landing."

who cares?

The point is, we all
make choices in our life.

I chose to leave this place
and to make somethin' of myself

and you chose to stay.

- And make nothin' of myself.
- I didn't say that!

You been sayin' it since
you walked in my door!

Your life is a dream.

Fancy clothes, travelin'
all over the world

dinner with Harry Truman.

- Truman Capote.
- Oh! Who cares?

I care.

Because that is all I've got.

I come home to an empty
house every night, Thelma.

Do you have any idea what
it feels like to be really alone?

No. No, I don't suppose I do.

I've had little ones
or not-so-little ones

underfoot for 50 years.

Well, there, you see?

From where I'm sittin',
your life looks like a dream.

Well, ain't we a pair?

Havin' second
thoughts at our age?

Must be late-life crisis.

Well, one thing is for sure.

We have both kept our figures.

That is the truth, isn't it?

Tell me somethin', Lydia

if you could, would
you really wanna

cross over to the wrong side
of the tracks and live my life?

No, Thelma, I don't think so.

Would you wanna
cross over to my side?

Just long enough
to give you a hug.

Oh, sweetie.

What about our slumber party?

You put on your Bobby
socks, sweet cakes.

You and me are gonna
boogie-woogie till dawn!

Thelma Harper, you're
not only gonna cut a rug

you're gonna demolish it!

Hey, Lydia, say
we get on the phone

call boys, and hang up?