Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 2 - Where There's a Will - full transcript
The Harpers stand to gain a small fortune from Fran's estate, but only if Mama can follow the will's impossible stipulation.
Bubba, breakfast is ready!
Well, my, aren't we in a
cheerful mood this mornin'.
We didn't sleep
a wink last night.
- Did we, Vinton?
- Hmm?
No, not a wink.
Well, I don't see Vinton
slammin' his breakfast around.
He's too tired.
Bubba Higgins, front and center!
Maybe you should try
some warm Ovaltine
before you go to bed.
Well, maybe you should try
sleepin' next to that
noisy, old water heater.
I've never heard a peep.
A peep?
First the thing goes,
"drip, drip, drip."
Then it starts goin', "drip,
drop, drip, drop, drip, drop."
And then, when you're just
about to fall asleep the thing goes
"drip, drip, drip... kaglug!"
Is there a point
to this aquacade?
Mama, Naomi doesn't understand
why we still have to
live in the basement.
Because that's where
the drips belong.
Well, that does it.
Vinton, it's bad enough that
we didn't get Aunt Fran's room
when she was alive,
the selfish old maid.
Don't you talk about my sister
that way, Lord rest her soul.
But now that she's gone
on to the great beyond,
your mother gives
our rightful room
to some refugee
from reform school.
Now, hold on just
a minute, missy.
Bubba Higgins has had
enough hard knocks in his life.
I gave him that upstairs bedroom
so he would know somebody
trusts him and cares about him
and that somebody's up
there to keep an eagle eye
on his every move.
Bubba, what the hell
you doin' up there?
Bubba!
For cryin' out loud.
Your eggs are hard,
your oatmeal's cold
and your time is up.
I'm sorry, grandma. I'm
still unpackin' my stuff.
You startin' to feel
at home here yet?
I will as soon as I
deflower this room.
Well, good Lord.
"Twisted Sister"?
Is that a man or a woman?
Either way, it's indecent.
Your Aunt Fran would die
if she saw that thing in here.
Well, you know what I mean.
I guess she wasn't
into heavy metal.
Not unless you count
her costume jewelry.
Lord, Frannie sure did
love her rhinestones.
Maybe I could
paint the room black.
Frannie sure did
love to put on airs...
but she was alright.
You know, she once saved my
life when we were camp fire girls.
Somehow we strayed
too far away from the troop.
Next thing I knew, I tripped
and fell into the Ray river.
I was goin' down
for the third time
drownin' in the undertow
when your Aunt Frannie
jumped in and pulled me out.
Then she gave me all
of her marshmallows.
Even the little, miniature ones.
She must have been somethin'.
She thought she was.
Hey, look at all this junk.
You got no right goin' through
someone's personal belongings
even if she is
no longer with us.
Okay, I'll put her diary back.
Hold it right there.
Let me see this thing.
Let's see, when was
that journalism convention
in Chicago?
Said she had to stay
over an extra two days
for a punctuation seminar.
"To whom it may
concern, or you, Thelma.
"I put this letter
in the one place
"I knew you'd look, my diary.
"You'll note the week I spent
in Chicago is blank. Ha ha.
"If you haven't
already been contacted
"please call the
executor of my will,
"Mr. Larwin. P.
Finstadtler at 555-1697."
Aunt Fran had a will?
That's ridiculous, the woman
never had a dime to her name.
You never know, I
once saw this story
on "Lifestyles of The Rich And
Famous" where this bag lady had
a million dollars stuffed
underneath her mattress.
Nothin'.
Shoot, watch this end
up costin' me money.
Good Lord, givin' up one
twisted sister for another.
Oh, I can't wait till
Mr. Finstadtler gets here.
What do you suppose
is gonna be in that will?
For heaven's sakes, my poor
sister passes on and all you can
say is "What's in it for
me? What's in it for me?"
Well, look who's talkin'.
I do believe that those are
La Vienna imported cookies
in that pleated paper.
Usually what you give
us are day-old specials
we could chip our teeth on.
Don't touch those.
They're for the lawyer.
What in the world
have you got there?
It's a decoration for my room.
Where'd you get that?
I found it.
Good Lord, I want that
sign outta this house
and back there on the street
where it belongs this minute.
You touch them cookies
and you'll be wearin' that thing.
That's Finstadtler now.
Whew!
I almost got run
over at the corner.
That guy didn't even st...
stop.
Imagine that.
Vinton, will you get
over here and sit down?
Lord, although I don't know
what you vultures have
got to do with this will readin'.
Frannie is my dearly departed.
Well, she's departed
me, too, mama.
And me.
Naomi, in the family tree,
a niece-in-law is
hardly a drop of sap.
That must be Finstadtler!
This is so exciting!
It's like Ed McMahon is on
the other side of that door
with a great big check!
Oh, will you two chill out?
What is behind this
door is a roll of the dice.
We could all hit the jackpot
or we could all crap out.
Come on, seven, buy
mama a new pair of shoes.
Good afternoon. You
must be Mr. Finstadtler.
I'm Thelma Crowley Harper,
the late Francis
Crowley's lovin' sister
and closest livin' relative.
How do you do, Mrs. Harper?
How do you do, Mr. Finstadtler?
I'm Naomi Harper and
this is my husband, Vinton,
the bereaved nephew.
Won't you come and sit down?
Would you care for a La
Vienna cookie, Mr. Finstadtler?
Why, yes, I would. Thank you.
- Naomi.
- Ah.
- Cookie?
- Yeah.
Uh, no, thank you.
They make me too sad.
They were Frannie's
favorite cookie.
- May her soul rest in peace.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- A-men.
Amen.
Alright, alright,
already. Good Lord!
This is a will readin',
not a revival meetin'.
What's the scoop, Finstadtler?
Let me see here.
You know, Fran came to see
me about the will two years ago.
That was the summer
my wife made me paint
the office sunburst gold.
Now, I wanted antique
white. You see, antique white...
Save it for "House Beautiful."
- Now, get back to the will.
- Yes, yes, the will.
Here it is, here
it is. Right here.
Attention, your honor,
stop the proceedings!
I found another will in
Aunt Fran's bedroom...
dated the day before she died.
How is that possible?
Well, here, see for yourself.
"I hereby leave all my money
and stuff to Bubba Higgins,
"the nephew" with an "F"
"I hardly knew but loved
like he was my own.
"This will is not a fake.
"Signed, "Aunt", A-N-T, "Fran."
Bubba Higgins, there are
two things I cannot stand,
that's a liar and
a poor speller.
Uh... I gotta go.
I got that job for the
city I'm supposed to do.
I apologize, Mr. Finstadtler.
His mother dropped him on
his head when he was a baby.
You know, I believe I'll have
one of those La Vienna cookies.
You've had enough damn cookies!
Lord, You're gonna
get a sugar buzz.
Just give me the bottom line
here on what Frannie was worth.
Well, eh... including
six bank accounts
her stock in land holdings...
Fran was worth an
estimated $35,000.
$35,000?
I had no idea!
I guess not, otherwise, you
never would've called her
a selfish old maid.
That was just a
figure of speech.
Now for the...
division of funds,
10% of her estate is set aside
for her favorite charity.
That's the Ray Of Hope
Home for Wayward Girls.
Let's see. 10% of
$35,000, that's...
put down the 0, zero,
one times zero, it is one...
zero. No, zero.
That's $3,500, honey.
That leaves $31,500.
I'm a whiz with figures.
Now we know the other
thing you're good at.
That's $3,500!
Real good, Vinton.
Let the man read.
Let's see, I told you
about the charity.
"And to the
members of the family
"who made me
feel like one of them,
"as distressing as that was,
"I hereby bequeath the
remainder of my estate,
"half to my sister,
Thelma Harper...
"and the other half to my
nephew and niece-in-law,
Vinton and Naomi Harper."
- Woo-hoo!
- Ah!
- We're rich!
- I don't believe this!
Just call me Jackie O!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Now, there's just
one small stipulation.
A stipu... what do you mean?
Here it is. Here it is.
"Although Thelma
may have her faults,
"and there may be many,
"she is the most
honest person I know.
Therefore, I trust her to
carry out my one final wish."
You got it, Frannie.
You're completely on your honor.
No problem, I'm as
honest as the day is long.
"Before any of my
monies can be released,
"my dear sister, Thelma,
"must not lose her temper
for a period of two weeks."
What if she fails?
Then the entire estate goes
to the "Ray Of Hope
Home for Wayward Girls."
Oh, mama, do you
think you can do it?
Well, just where
does she get off
dictatin' to me from the grave?
I ain't about to
listen to Miss Priss.
What the hell is she
talkin' about anyway?
I ain't got a temper!
Mama, I think what
Aunt Fran meant...
Butt out, Vinton! I
know what she meant!
She's tryin' to get me to do
her biddin' for 30 pieces of silver.
It's 35 grand, Ms. Harper!
I don't care if it's 35 million
nobody tells me
how to live my life.
Mama, please, it's
only for two weeks.
We will do anything to make sure
those are the happiest
two weeks of your life.
Anything?
- Anything.
- Anything.
Okay, Finstadtler,
start your stopwatch.
Naomi, I believe I
need me a cold beer
to wash down these La Viennas.
- Right away.
- I'll go help.
- Put that sucker in a glass.
- Right.
Well, Finstadtler...
looks like I'm gettin'
the next two weeks off...
with pay.
Little more tea, mama?
Don't mind if I do, Vinton.
I really got to hand it to you.
Who would have thought
you'd get through a week
without losing your temper.
Not me.
I must admit, I am
rather proud of myself.
And you know, this new,
positive attitude of mine
seems to be makin'
my life so much easier.
Whew, well, in between
the wash and the dry cycles,
I managed to wax
the laundry room floor.
Good work, honey.
When you gonna iron the clothes?
Hey, I'm takin' a breather.
If you leave 'em too
long, the wrinkles will set.
Fine, then we'll just
wear 'em wrinkled.
Oh, I feel a frown comin' on.
Uh, a frown?
Not only that, but an
angry word is in my brain.
Don't think it, don't say it.
Look, mama, see, I'm
gettin' the ironin' board ready.
See? See?
That naughty, little
word's fadin' away.
Uh, better get to
the ironin', Skeeter.
Oh, and Skeeter...
would you start with my
Sunday dress, please?
And I like the creases
in my pleats real sharp
and don't forget that
ruffle around the collar.
Anything you say, Ms. Harper.
How's your homework
comin', Bubba?
Fine.
What are you studyin',
aerodynamics?
I've had it for now.
I'll finish this up
tomorrow in homeroom.
I thrive on a deadline.
Uh-oh. Incomplete homework.
That could throw a monkey wrench
in my sweet disposition.
Bubba, finish your homework.
Do what mama says.
Why should I? There's
nothin' in it for me.
Bubba, look, if you
play ball with mama,
Naomi and I will cut
you in on our share.
Just a minute.
How much?
We'll give you $5.
You're gettin' half of $35,000
and all you're givin'
me is a lousy 5 bucks?
We'll make it $10.
It's a deal.
Good! Now, hit them books.
Vinton, could I have a look
at that dish you're holdin'?
Funny, I can't see
myself in there.
Maybe you just
need a little more light.
No, I still can't see myself.
Maybe she's a vampire.
I believe these need
another go-around.
Oh, mama.
I was supposed to meet Claude
down at the Bigger Jigger.
You go on ahead. I'm
sure Naomi will do it
as soon as she
finishes her ironin'.
Vinton Harper, you
weren't thinkin' of goin'
down to the bigger
jigger and leavin' me here
with all this work, were you?
It had crossed my mind.
Well, uncross it.
Skeeter, it's good for a
man to let off a little steam.
- Let him do the ironin'.
- I'm not ironin'.
You're not goin' to the jigger.
Why not?
If we're sharin' the money,
we're sharin' the work.
Will you keep it down?
I can't study!
Then go to that room
you stole from us!
Well, don't yell at
me. I was here first.
My, my, my, my, my.
I believe you three need
to tear a leaf out of my book
and learn how to keep
them tempers in check.
When did you say Mrs.
Harper would return?
She's at The Beauty Spot.
She'll be back any minute
happy as a clam
with her new blue hair.
I tell you, grandma's been
cool these last two weeks.
Always cheerful, always
smilin', always kind.
Just like that Mother Teresa.
If I ever say I'm goin' to
The Beauty Spot again
I want you to slap me
silly and tie me in my chair.
You seem upset, Mrs.
Harper. What's the matter?
Oh, Mr. Finstadtler,
nothin's the matter.
Somebody without my sunshiny
attitude might say this has been
the worst day but I don't see
a reason to talk about it now.
Well, then, don't.
No need to rehash the
fact that Nita didn't show up.
I had to have my hair done
by that chain-smokin' Marilyn.
There I was in a cloud of smoke
livin' in fear she was gonna
use my scalp for an ashtray.
Well, your hair looks beautiful.
Lord, it's a wonder.
I had to leave halfway
through my comb-out
because of the accident but
we don't need to talk about that.
- No.
- What kind of accident?
Well, it's hard to say
since I wasn't around
when whoever it was
rammed into my car
and broke my axle in two.
He did leave me a note, though.
- Well, that was nice of him.
- You think so?
"Dear sucker, I'm
only writin' this note
"so the witnesses
to this accident
"will think I'm leavin'
my name and address.
"Have a nice day."
Let's look on the bright
side, nobody got hurt.
If you don't count
the blisters on my feet
from havin' to walk six
blocks to the bus stop.
Thank the Lord there
was a bench to sit on.
Hey, grandma... - Ah, oh. - Shh!
Mama, mama, look.
Mr. Finstadtler brought
these things for you to sign.
That's correct.
In exactly three minutes,
your two weeks will be up.
Tell me, Mrs. Harper,
did you learn anything
from this experience?
Well, I'll tell you something.
Frannie saved my
life when we were kids
and now I believe she's
changed it for the better.
I have learned that there is
no reason for losin' your temper.
And I've definitely learned
how to get things done
without raisin' my voice.
- Good answer.
- Good answer.
Mrs. Harper, did you know
you have paint on
the back of your dress?
Paint? Where? Wha... what the...
Oh, my Lord, this is
a brand-new dress!
I had to wrestle that woman
to the ground to get this.
As if that big, fat
tub could've fit into it.
My Lord, I look like I just
escaped from an Irish prison.
Mama, calm down.
It hardly shows.
Oh, shut up, you
dimwit. It's ruined!
I'm sure we can get that
spot out with somethin'.
Yeah, a blowtorch!
Relax, Mrs. Harper, relax.
That dress doesn't
do a thing for you.
And just who the hell
are you, Calvin Klein?
Mrs. Harper,
you're comin' perilously
close to losin' your temper.
You're comin' perilously
close to losin' your life,
you little weasel.
That does it, Mrs. Harper!
You have just
forfeited the estate!
- No, she didn't mean it!
- She was only kidding!
Horse pucky, I don't care
about the damn money!
I'm mad as hell and I
ain't gonna take it anymore!
Your sister, Fran, would
be so disappointed in you.
Get outta my house,
you mud puppy.
Don't you ever mention that
woman's name around me again.
She tried to drown me
when we were children.
And then she tried to gag me
with them big,
gigantic marshmallows.
Well, my, aren't we in a
cheerful mood this mornin'.
We didn't sleep
a wink last night.
- Did we, Vinton?
- Hmm?
No, not a wink.
Well, I don't see Vinton
slammin' his breakfast around.
He's too tired.
Bubba Higgins, front and center!
Maybe you should try
some warm Ovaltine
before you go to bed.
Well, maybe you should try
sleepin' next to that
noisy, old water heater.
I've never heard a peep.
A peep?
First the thing goes,
"drip, drip, drip."
Then it starts goin', "drip,
drop, drip, drop, drip, drop."
And then, when you're just
about to fall asleep the thing goes
"drip, drip, drip... kaglug!"
Is there a point
to this aquacade?
Mama, Naomi doesn't understand
why we still have to
live in the basement.
Because that's where
the drips belong.
Well, that does it.
Vinton, it's bad enough that
we didn't get Aunt Fran's room
when she was alive,
the selfish old maid.
Don't you talk about my sister
that way, Lord rest her soul.
But now that she's gone
on to the great beyond,
your mother gives
our rightful room
to some refugee
from reform school.
Now, hold on just
a minute, missy.
Bubba Higgins has had
enough hard knocks in his life.
I gave him that upstairs bedroom
so he would know somebody
trusts him and cares about him
and that somebody's up
there to keep an eagle eye
on his every move.
Bubba, what the hell
you doin' up there?
Bubba!
For cryin' out loud.
Your eggs are hard,
your oatmeal's cold
and your time is up.
I'm sorry, grandma. I'm
still unpackin' my stuff.
You startin' to feel
at home here yet?
I will as soon as I
deflower this room.
Well, good Lord.
"Twisted Sister"?
Is that a man or a woman?
Either way, it's indecent.
Your Aunt Fran would die
if she saw that thing in here.
Well, you know what I mean.
I guess she wasn't
into heavy metal.
Not unless you count
her costume jewelry.
Lord, Frannie sure did
love her rhinestones.
Maybe I could
paint the room black.
Frannie sure did
love to put on airs...
but she was alright.
You know, she once saved my
life when we were camp fire girls.
Somehow we strayed
too far away from the troop.
Next thing I knew, I tripped
and fell into the Ray river.
I was goin' down
for the third time
drownin' in the undertow
when your Aunt Frannie
jumped in and pulled me out.
Then she gave me all
of her marshmallows.
Even the little, miniature ones.
She must have been somethin'.
She thought she was.
Hey, look at all this junk.
You got no right goin' through
someone's personal belongings
even if she is
no longer with us.
Okay, I'll put her diary back.
Hold it right there.
Let me see this thing.
Let's see, when was
that journalism convention
in Chicago?
Said she had to stay
over an extra two days
for a punctuation seminar.
"To whom it may
concern, or you, Thelma.
"I put this letter
in the one place
"I knew you'd look, my diary.
"You'll note the week I spent
in Chicago is blank. Ha ha.
"If you haven't
already been contacted
"please call the
executor of my will,
"Mr. Larwin. P.
Finstadtler at 555-1697."
Aunt Fran had a will?
That's ridiculous, the woman
never had a dime to her name.
You never know, I
once saw this story
on "Lifestyles of The Rich And
Famous" where this bag lady had
a million dollars stuffed
underneath her mattress.
Nothin'.
Shoot, watch this end
up costin' me money.
Good Lord, givin' up one
twisted sister for another.
Oh, I can't wait till
Mr. Finstadtler gets here.
What do you suppose
is gonna be in that will?
For heaven's sakes, my poor
sister passes on and all you can
say is "What's in it for
me? What's in it for me?"
Well, look who's talkin'.
I do believe that those are
La Vienna imported cookies
in that pleated paper.
Usually what you give
us are day-old specials
we could chip our teeth on.
Don't touch those.
They're for the lawyer.
What in the world
have you got there?
It's a decoration for my room.
Where'd you get that?
I found it.
Good Lord, I want that
sign outta this house
and back there on the street
where it belongs this minute.
You touch them cookies
and you'll be wearin' that thing.
That's Finstadtler now.
Whew!
I almost got run
over at the corner.
That guy didn't even st...
stop.
Imagine that.
Vinton, will you get
over here and sit down?
Lord, although I don't know
what you vultures have
got to do with this will readin'.
Frannie is my dearly departed.
Well, she's departed
me, too, mama.
And me.
Naomi, in the family tree,
a niece-in-law is
hardly a drop of sap.
That must be Finstadtler!
This is so exciting!
It's like Ed McMahon is on
the other side of that door
with a great big check!
Oh, will you two chill out?
What is behind this
door is a roll of the dice.
We could all hit the jackpot
or we could all crap out.
Come on, seven, buy
mama a new pair of shoes.
Good afternoon. You
must be Mr. Finstadtler.
I'm Thelma Crowley Harper,
the late Francis
Crowley's lovin' sister
and closest livin' relative.
How do you do, Mrs. Harper?
How do you do, Mr. Finstadtler?
I'm Naomi Harper and
this is my husband, Vinton,
the bereaved nephew.
Won't you come and sit down?
Would you care for a La
Vienna cookie, Mr. Finstadtler?
Why, yes, I would. Thank you.
- Naomi.
- Ah.
- Cookie?
- Yeah.
Uh, no, thank you.
They make me too sad.
They were Frannie's
favorite cookie.
- May her soul rest in peace.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- A-men.
Amen.
Alright, alright,
already. Good Lord!
This is a will readin',
not a revival meetin'.
What's the scoop, Finstadtler?
Let me see here.
You know, Fran came to see
me about the will two years ago.
That was the summer
my wife made me paint
the office sunburst gold.
Now, I wanted antique
white. You see, antique white...
Save it for "House Beautiful."
- Now, get back to the will.
- Yes, yes, the will.
Here it is, here
it is. Right here.
Attention, your honor,
stop the proceedings!
I found another will in
Aunt Fran's bedroom...
dated the day before she died.
How is that possible?
Well, here, see for yourself.
"I hereby leave all my money
and stuff to Bubba Higgins,
"the nephew" with an "F"
"I hardly knew but loved
like he was my own.
"This will is not a fake.
"Signed, "Aunt", A-N-T, "Fran."
Bubba Higgins, there are
two things I cannot stand,
that's a liar and
a poor speller.
Uh... I gotta go.
I got that job for the
city I'm supposed to do.
I apologize, Mr. Finstadtler.
His mother dropped him on
his head when he was a baby.
You know, I believe I'll have
one of those La Vienna cookies.
You've had enough damn cookies!
Lord, You're gonna
get a sugar buzz.
Just give me the bottom line
here on what Frannie was worth.
Well, eh... including
six bank accounts
her stock in land holdings...
Fran was worth an
estimated $35,000.
$35,000?
I had no idea!
I guess not, otherwise, you
never would've called her
a selfish old maid.
That was just a
figure of speech.
Now for the...
division of funds,
10% of her estate is set aside
for her favorite charity.
That's the Ray Of Hope
Home for Wayward Girls.
Let's see. 10% of
$35,000, that's...
put down the 0, zero,
one times zero, it is one...
zero. No, zero.
That's $3,500, honey.
That leaves $31,500.
I'm a whiz with figures.
Now we know the other
thing you're good at.
That's $3,500!
Real good, Vinton.
Let the man read.
Let's see, I told you
about the charity.
"And to the
members of the family
"who made me
feel like one of them,
"as distressing as that was,
"I hereby bequeath the
remainder of my estate,
"half to my sister,
Thelma Harper...
"and the other half to my
nephew and niece-in-law,
Vinton and Naomi Harper."
- Woo-hoo!
- Ah!
- We're rich!
- I don't believe this!
Just call me Jackie O!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Now, there's just
one small stipulation.
A stipu... what do you mean?
Here it is. Here it is.
"Although Thelma
may have her faults,
"and there may be many,
"she is the most
honest person I know.
Therefore, I trust her to
carry out my one final wish."
You got it, Frannie.
You're completely on your honor.
No problem, I'm as
honest as the day is long.
"Before any of my
monies can be released,
"my dear sister, Thelma,
"must not lose her temper
for a period of two weeks."
What if she fails?
Then the entire estate goes
to the "Ray Of Hope
Home for Wayward Girls."
Oh, mama, do you
think you can do it?
Well, just where
does she get off
dictatin' to me from the grave?
I ain't about to
listen to Miss Priss.
What the hell is she
talkin' about anyway?
I ain't got a temper!
Mama, I think what
Aunt Fran meant...
Butt out, Vinton! I
know what she meant!
She's tryin' to get me to do
her biddin' for 30 pieces of silver.
It's 35 grand, Ms. Harper!
I don't care if it's 35 million
nobody tells me
how to live my life.
Mama, please, it's
only for two weeks.
We will do anything to make sure
those are the happiest
two weeks of your life.
Anything?
- Anything.
- Anything.
Okay, Finstadtler,
start your stopwatch.
Naomi, I believe I
need me a cold beer
to wash down these La Viennas.
- Right away.
- I'll go help.
- Put that sucker in a glass.
- Right.
Well, Finstadtler...
looks like I'm gettin'
the next two weeks off...
with pay.
Little more tea, mama?
Don't mind if I do, Vinton.
I really got to hand it to you.
Who would have thought
you'd get through a week
without losing your temper.
Not me.
I must admit, I am
rather proud of myself.
And you know, this new,
positive attitude of mine
seems to be makin'
my life so much easier.
Whew, well, in between
the wash and the dry cycles,
I managed to wax
the laundry room floor.
Good work, honey.
When you gonna iron the clothes?
Hey, I'm takin' a breather.
If you leave 'em too
long, the wrinkles will set.
Fine, then we'll just
wear 'em wrinkled.
Oh, I feel a frown comin' on.
Uh, a frown?
Not only that, but an
angry word is in my brain.
Don't think it, don't say it.
Look, mama, see, I'm
gettin' the ironin' board ready.
See? See?
That naughty, little
word's fadin' away.
Uh, better get to
the ironin', Skeeter.
Oh, and Skeeter...
would you start with my
Sunday dress, please?
And I like the creases
in my pleats real sharp
and don't forget that
ruffle around the collar.
Anything you say, Ms. Harper.
How's your homework
comin', Bubba?
Fine.
What are you studyin',
aerodynamics?
I've had it for now.
I'll finish this up
tomorrow in homeroom.
I thrive on a deadline.
Uh-oh. Incomplete homework.
That could throw a monkey wrench
in my sweet disposition.
Bubba, finish your homework.
Do what mama says.
Why should I? There's
nothin' in it for me.
Bubba, look, if you
play ball with mama,
Naomi and I will cut
you in on our share.
Just a minute.
How much?
We'll give you $5.
You're gettin' half of $35,000
and all you're givin'
me is a lousy 5 bucks?
We'll make it $10.
It's a deal.
Good! Now, hit them books.
Vinton, could I have a look
at that dish you're holdin'?
Funny, I can't see
myself in there.
Maybe you just
need a little more light.
No, I still can't see myself.
Maybe she's a vampire.
I believe these need
another go-around.
Oh, mama.
I was supposed to meet Claude
down at the Bigger Jigger.
You go on ahead. I'm
sure Naomi will do it
as soon as she
finishes her ironin'.
Vinton Harper, you
weren't thinkin' of goin'
down to the bigger
jigger and leavin' me here
with all this work, were you?
It had crossed my mind.
Well, uncross it.
Skeeter, it's good for a
man to let off a little steam.
- Let him do the ironin'.
- I'm not ironin'.
You're not goin' to the jigger.
Why not?
If we're sharin' the money,
we're sharin' the work.
Will you keep it down?
I can't study!
Then go to that room
you stole from us!
Well, don't yell at
me. I was here first.
My, my, my, my, my.
I believe you three need
to tear a leaf out of my book
and learn how to keep
them tempers in check.
When did you say Mrs.
Harper would return?
She's at The Beauty Spot.
She'll be back any minute
happy as a clam
with her new blue hair.
I tell you, grandma's been
cool these last two weeks.
Always cheerful, always
smilin', always kind.
Just like that Mother Teresa.
If I ever say I'm goin' to
The Beauty Spot again
I want you to slap me
silly and tie me in my chair.
You seem upset, Mrs.
Harper. What's the matter?
Oh, Mr. Finstadtler,
nothin's the matter.
Somebody without my sunshiny
attitude might say this has been
the worst day but I don't see
a reason to talk about it now.
Well, then, don't.
No need to rehash the
fact that Nita didn't show up.
I had to have my hair done
by that chain-smokin' Marilyn.
There I was in a cloud of smoke
livin' in fear she was gonna
use my scalp for an ashtray.
Well, your hair looks beautiful.
Lord, it's a wonder.
I had to leave halfway
through my comb-out
because of the accident but
we don't need to talk about that.
- No.
- What kind of accident?
Well, it's hard to say
since I wasn't around
when whoever it was
rammed into my car
and broke my axle in two.
He did leave me a note, though.
- Well, that was nice of him.
- You think so?
"Dear sucker, I'm
only writin' this note
"so the witnesses
to this accident
"will think I'm leavin'
my name and address.
"Have a nice day."
Let's look on the bright
side, nobody got hurt.
If you don't count
the blisters on my feet
from havin' to walk six
blocks to the bus stop.
Thank the Lord there
was a bench to sit on.
Hey, grandma... - Ah, oh. - Shh!
Mama, mama, look.
Mr. Finstadtler brought
these things for you to sign.
That's correct.
In exactly three minutes,
your two weeks will be up.
Tell me, Mrs. Harper,
did you learn anything
from this experience?
Well, I'll tell you something.
Frannie saved my
life when we were kids
and now I believe she's
changed it for the better.
I have learned that there is
no reason for losin' your temper.
And I've definitely learned
how to get things done
without raisin' my voice.
- Good answer.
- Good answer.
Mrs. Harper, did you know
you have paint on
the back of your dress?
Paint? Where? Wha... what the...
Oh, my Lord, this is
a brand-new dress!
I had to wrestle that woman
to the ground to get this.
As if that big, fat
tub could've fit into it.
My Lord, I look like I just
escaped from an Irish prison.
Mama, calm down.
It hardly shows.
Oh, shut up, you
dimwit. It's ruined!
I'm sure we can get that
spot out with somethin'.
Yeah, a blowtorch!
Relax, Mrs. Harper, relax.
That dress doesn't
do a thing for you.
And just who the hell
are you, Calvin Klein?
Mrs. Harper,
you're comin' perilously
close to losin' your temper.
You're comin' perilously
close to losin' your life,
you little weasel.
That does it, Mrs. Harper!
You have just
forfeited the estate!
- No, she didn't mean it!
- She was only kidding!
Horse pucky, I don't care
about the damn money!
I'm mad as hell and I
ain't gonna take it anymore!
Your sister, Fran, would
be so disappointed in you.
Get outta my house,
you mud puppy.
Don't you ever mention that
woman's name around me again.
She tried to drown me
when we were children.
And then she tried to gag me
with them big,
gigantic marshmallows.