Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 19 - Buck Private Bubba - full transcript
Bubba's spur-of-the-moment decision to join the Army proves disastrous, and it's up to Mama to get him out of it.
Girls, you've got
to listen to this.
"A reliable source in
Buckingham Palace
"reports that Prince Charles
is going to leave Princess Di
"for Pia Zadora?"
Oh, Naomi!
Those papers are
nothin' but a pack of lies.
"The prince will
abdicate his royal duties
"and become Miss
Zadora's road manager."
Look! There's even a
picture of them kissing!
And right in front
of his mother!
Good Lord! You expect this
kind of behavior from Andy
but not from Chuck.
Hey! Will you look at this?
My old uniform still fits.
Yeah, if you don't
breathe or sit down.
I shouldn't have had that
second piece of pie at supper.
Nonsense, baby.
I like a uniform that fits snug.
What's the occasion?
Costume party?
No. It's my 25th army reunion.
The troop is meeting
at the Bigger Jigger.
They're gonna make
liquor safe for democracy.
Oop!
Must be Sergeant Gibbs.
We're riding over in his jeep.
Hey, there, Jimmy.
How are you? It's good...
Private Harper! Ten-hut!
About face!
Forward... march!
Ow!
Ha ha ha ha! Gotcha!
You always did fall
for that one, Harper.
Isn't this guy a wit?
Well, you're half-right.
Aren't you going
to introduce us?
Oh, Jimmy, this
is my wife Naomi.
Oh, my pleasure, ma'am.
Why, do you know in this light
you look just like Vanna White?
Ooh.
Well, I guess it must be
my naturally blonde hair.
Say, Vanna, give me
a P, like in "Peroxide."
Uh, Jimmy, you
remember my mother?
Your mother?
Why...
she looks young
enough to be your sister.
I am young enough
to be his sister.
This is our
neighbor Iola Boylen.
The old bag over
here is his mother.
How are you, Ms. Harper?
I'll be a hell of a lot better
once you put out that stinkweed.
Won't you sit down,
Sergeant Gibbs?
Why, thank you, ma'am.
Jimmy here is in charge
of the local recruitin' office.
I just brought our
new pamphlet with me.
Right here is an
artist's rendering of me
right here on the cover.
That's a picture of a tank.
Yes. But I'm inside, driving.
Oh, Bubba, don't you look nice?
Thanks.
Jimmy, this is my nephew Bubba.
Bubba, this is Sergeant Gibbs.
- Hi.
- Oh, I'm...
Whoa, that's quite a
grip you've got there, son.
Have you decided what
branch of the service
you're going to be joining?
Back off, sarge!
Bubba has trouble deciding
what clothes to wear.
We do that for you in the army.
Bubba, you run along, you
don't want to keep Melanie waitin'.
Oh. Right. I've got
my first big date tonight
with the girl of my dreams
and I want to make
a good impression.
Nothing impresses
a girl like the military.
How about Vint and
me driving you over
and dropping
you off in the jeep?
- That would be great!
- Alright, men!
Fall in!
Left face!
Forward march!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Oh, aren't they cute?
Yeah. Sort of like that poster
"The few, the
proud, the marines."
With those three, it's more like
"The good, the
bad, and the ugly."
- Aaaah!
- Aaaah!
Oh!
Lord, Vinton!
Where in the hell have you been?
Baby, I was so worried!
Vinton, you didn't drive home
in that condition, did you?
No, no way. N-o-o-o-o.
Oh! No.
I shared a cab with a
whole bunch of people.
Maybe it was a bus.
You can't stand up
in the back of a cab.
Good Lord.
- How was your reunion?
- Oh, it was fantastic.
It was really great.
We had a chug-a-lug contest
and this girl popped out
of a cake and did a s...
Actually, it was kind of dull.
Kind of dull, was it?
Good Lord!
It looks like headgear
for Siamese Shriners!
I can explain that.
I certainly hope so.
I sure do love you, Naomi.
You're the most beautiful
woman in the whole world.
Better put him in
bed. He's delirious.
Put me in bed, I'm delirious.
Phew! Boy!
This really does take talent.
Oh!
Good Lord.
- What are you doin', grandma?
- Uh..
- How'd your big date go?
- What date?
Melanie's father wouldn't
let her go out with me.
What? Why not?
She said he found out
I was in juvenile hall.
Said his daughter wasn't
going to date a common criminal.
Well, that pompous old poop!
You're not a common criminal.
You're a youthful offender.
Face it, grandma. Juvenile
hall has ruined my life.
No girl is ever gonna
go out with me again.
No, Bubba.
Datin' isn't all it's cracked
up to be nowadays, anyway.
You start going with a girl,
you fall head over heels.
The next thing you
know, she's two-timing you
with some guy that
drives a fancy car
and wears a mohair suit.
She breaks your heart.
Your grades start to fall.
You drop out of school.
You can't keep a job
and you wind up a
bum on Skid Row.
Face it, that girl did
you the favor of your life
by dumping you.
Thanks.
I feel a lot better.
You know what? It is just
like that nun told Julie Andrews
in "The Sound Of Music."
"When the Lord closes a
door, he opens a window."
Yeah, well, what if the
Lord closes the door
and nails the window shut?
How am I supposed
to know? I ain't a nun!
Bubba Higgins,
breakfast is ready!
Oh, mama, not so loud.
Well, it serves you right!
Sergeant Gibbs always
was a bad influence on you.
You remember that time he
took you to the tattoo parlor?
If I hadn't rushed over there
you'd have a big ol' picture of
Connie Stevens on your chest.
Mornin', grandma.
What's for
breakfast? I'm starved.
Well, Bubba, where
have you been this early?
Takin' charge of my life.
Well, it sounds like you've
already gotten over Melanie.
Grandma, Melanie is my past.
The women of the
world are my future.
That's the spirit, Bubba.
There are plenty of
other fish in the sea.
Well, I'm glad to hear our
little talk did some good.
Yep. That and joinin' the army.
You're joinin' the
army? You're too young.
Sergeant said if you're old
enough to have a broken heart
you're old enough to sign up.
Sergeant Gibbs, I
should have known
that military motor-mouth
was behind this.
Mama, I won't hear a
bad word against Jimmy.
Then leave the room.
First he fills you with liquor
and now he fills Bubba
with pipe dreams.
It's not a pipe dream, grandma.
It's embarkin' on
a great new life.
Look at this. Here's a picture
of the South Pacific Island
where I'm gonna be stationed.
"Train in the tropics.
Bivouac on the beach."
Who's the platoon
leader, Annette Funicello?
Come on, Ms. Harper.
The army could be
very good for Bubba.
It might make a man out of him.
There's no guarantee of
that. It didn't make Vinton.
It did, too, mama.
Look, Bubba, if you were
a high school graduate
and you were joining the army
I'd go along with you.
But you're only doing this
because you were dumped
by some teenage tootsie.
I don't care what you
say. I'm joining up.
- I won't let you.
- You can't stop me.
I already signed the
papers with Sergeant Gibbs
and I leave for basic
training in the morning.
Bubba, you get back in here.
Well, I hope you're
happy, Private Harper.
He'll be fine, mama.
If that boy comes back
with a tattoo of
Madonna on his chest
I'm holding you
personally responsible.
Ow. Oh.
Oh, Thelma, try to
see the positive side.
Oh, yeah? What is it?
I don't think there is any.
W-w-what are you doin', grandma?
I'm sewin' nametags
into all your clothes.
I'm goin' to the army,
not sleep-away camp.
I've got to do something.
I'm knittin' you socks,
but in the meantime
I made you a gift.
Oh, thanks, Ms. Boylen.
What is it?
It's a cheerful mess kit cozy.
See? It's insulated to
keep your food warm
in case you get caught
in artillery fire at mealtime.
Iola, where in the world did
you get the idea for that thing?
It was in the
arts-and-crafts section
of “Soldier of Fortune."
I swear, they ought to put you
in the cuckoo
section of Bird World.
Hi, Ms. Harper?
I'm Melanie Noble.
Well, Melanie, I've
heard so much about you.
Grandma, she's
come crawlin' back.
At least give me a
chance to break her heart.
I wanted to tell you I'm sorry
about what happened last night.
Yeah. Me, too.
I was lookin' forward
to our date all week.
Really?
Well, that's water
under the bridge now.
You and I were
never meant to be.
- I think we were.
- You do?
Too bad your father
doesn't think so.
My father and I
got in a big fight
after you left last night.
I was so ashamed of
the way he treated you.
He was prejudiced
and narrow-minded
and mean and rotten.
You told him all that?
I would have if I hadn't gotten
a "D" in geometry.
But I did the next best thing.
- What's that?
- I cried.
Not just a puddle-up cry
but the kind where
your eyes turn into slits
and disappear in your
face, and your nose runs.
It works every time.
It does? It did?
Sure. And dad
apologized and said
now you could go out with me.
Well, that is, if
you still want to.
Do I?
- Melanie, you're wonderful.
- I know.
I missed you so much.
I missed you more
than you missed me.
There is no way you
could have missed me
more than I missed you.
I missed you a
million times more
than anybody could
ever be missed.
Lord, I wish I missed
this whole conversation.
Aren't they adorable?
- See you later, Melanie.
- Bye.
So... how'd it go?
Great. Melanie's
dad has seen the light
and we got a date
this Saturday night.
Yeah? Where you gonna
meet, the mess hall or the PX?
Oh, no. I'm in the army.
Well, I guess, he's all
ready for basic training.
Oh, Iola.
I can't believe Bubba
has gotten himself
into this mess.
The army is no place
for an innocent kid.
Oh, I don't know.
Mother was in the army.
She rather enjoyed it.
Mama, hurry up with that bag.
I've gotta get Bubba
there by 0800 hours.
Here. Take it and get gone.
Bubba, hurry
up. It's time to go.
We'll wait for you in the truck.
Oh, wait, you two.
I forgot to pack
his mess kit cozy.
Well, I guess this is
goodbye, grandma.
I guess so.
Thanks a lot for taking me
in and putting up with me.
This big, old house is gonna
seem mighty empty without you.
Grandma, if only I'd listened
to you in the first place
I wouldn't have to leave.
Well, Bubba, at
least it isn't jail.
- Goodbye, grandma.
- Bye-bye, baby.
You keep your mouth shut,
now. Don't volunteer for anything.
Oh, Thelma.
It's not so bad.
He'll be back in four years.
There's no tellin'
what bad habits
he's gonna pick up in the army.
He is so easily swayed.
And just when I started
swayin' him in my direction.
There are millions of young
men who've joined the army
and been much the better for it.
Go tell it to your mother.
Well, what the...
Well, if this pamphlet is
right, there ain't anybody
gonna be makin' a man
out of Bubba but me.
What is it?
Iola, you hold down the fort.
Thelma Harper has
just begun to fight.
Hi, is this the line for Tahiti?
Uh, no. This here is the
line for the proctologist.
I'll stand in that one.
You're in the right line now.
Sergeant Gibbs'
fun-and-sun package.
He's a personal
friend. Great guy.
He sure is. Here he comes now.
Hi, Sergeant Gibbs.
- Shut up, dope-face.
- Yes, sir.
Attention, worms.
Now when you pass your physical
and take your
oaths of allegiance
you will become official
members of the United States army.
That means you no longer
belong to your mama.
You belong to me.
Are there any questions?
What is it, Higgins?
Are we supposed to bring
our own surfboards to Tahiti
or is the army gonna
supply us with one?
Higgins, are you as
dumb as you look?
Yes, sir.
Well, I mean, no, sir.
Then it's my job
to smarten you up.
Drop and give me 50.
Yes, sir.
Okay, kids, the party's over.
Look out. It's an old lady.
Relax, boys.
You ain't got nothin'
I haven't seen before.
Grandma, what
are you doin' here?
Bubba, I have come
to take you back home.
Will you quit kissin'
that concrete?
Let's get the hell outta here.
Ms. Harper.
This area is off-limits
to nonmilitary personnel.
You're going to have
to leave immediately.
No problem. Come on, Bubba.
Higgins isn't going anywhere.
His Uncle Sam needs him.
Well, so does his
grandma, Thelma.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
Company, fall in.
About face.
Forward march.
Company, halt.
Sergeant Gibbs, is
your paperwork in order?
Yes, ma'am.
I can't hear you.
Paperwork in order... sir.
Is that so?
Well, according to
this pamphlet of yours
the one with your
picture on the cover
"It is illegal to induct anyone
"who has a prior criminal record
"without a review by
the induction board."
Let me see that.
Face it, Gibbs, you're
harboring a felon.
Higgins was in juvenile
hall for stealing a car
and he's still on probation.
Higgins has a criminal record?
- As long as my arm.
- Mine too.
Oh, no, if the Pentagon
hears about this
they'll have my stripes.
Private Higgins, get your
criminal carcass out of here.
Ex-private Higgins,
front and center.
♪♪ Grab your clothes
and follow me ♪♪
♪♪ Grab your clothes
and follow me ♪♪
♪♪ We'll have pie
and watch TV ♪♪
♪♪ We'll have pie
and watch TV ♪♪
♪♪ Sound off ♪♪
♪♪ One two ♪♪
♪♪ Sound off ♪♪
♪♪ Three four ♪♪♪♪
You know, Bubba, I'm so
glad you didn't join the army.
You were so brave
to tell that sergeant off
and just storm out
of there like that.
Yeah.
Bubba, it's bad for your eyes
to watch TV without a light on.
Uh, grandma, we
weren't watching TV.
Well, you are now.
Melanie, jump up and
hit Channel 9, will ya?
The three of us are
gonna make a night of it.
to listen to this.
"A reliable source in
Buckingham Palace
"reports that Prince Charles
is going to leave Princess Di
"for Pia Zadora?"
Oh, Naomi!
Those papers are
nothin' but a pack of lies.
"The prince will
abdicate his royal duties
"and become Miss
Zadora's road manager."
Look! There's even a
picture of them kissing!
And right in front
of his mother!
Good Lord! You expect this
kind of behavior from Andy
but not from Chuck.
Hey! Will you look at this?
My old uniform still fits.
Yeah, if you don't
breathe or sit down.
I shouldn't have had that
second piece of pie at supper.
Nonsense, baby.
I like a uniform that fits snug.
What's the occasion?
Costume party?
No. It's my 25th army reunion.
The troop is meeting
at the Bigger Jigger.
They're gonna make
liquor safe for democracy.
Oop!
Must be Sergeant Gibbs.
We're riding over in his jeep.
Hey, there, Jimmy.
How are you? It's good...
Private Harper! Ten-hut!
About face!
Forward... march!
Ow!
Ha ha ha ha! Gotcha!
You always did fall
for that one, Harper.
Isn't this guy a wit?
Well, you're half-right.
Aren't you going
to introduce us?
Oh, Jimmy, this
is my wife Naomi.
Oh, my pleasure, ma'am.
Why, do you know in this light
you look just like Vanna White?
Ooh.
Well, I guess it must be
my naturally blonde hair.
Say, Vanna, give me
a P, like in "Peroxide."
Uh, Jimmy, you
remember my mother?
Your mother?
Why...
she looks young
enough to be your sister.
I am young enough
to be his sister.
This is our
neighbor Iola Boylen.
The old bag over
here is his mother.
How are you, Ms. Harper?
I'll be a hell of a lot better
once you put out that stinkweed.
Won't you sit down,
Sergeant Gibbs?
Why, thank you, ma'am.
Jimmy here is in charge
of the local recruitin' office.
I just brought our
new pamphlet with me.
Right here is an
artist's rendering of me
right here on the cover.
That's a picture of a tank.
Yes. But I'm inside, driving.
Oh, Bubba, don't you look nice?
Thanks.
Jimmy, this is my nephew Bubba.
Bubba, this is Sergeant Gibbs.
- Hi.
- Oh, I'm...
Whoa, that's quite a
grip you've got there, son.
Have you decided what
branch of the service
you're going to be joining?
Back off, sarge!
Bubba has trouble deciding
what clothes to wear.
We do that for you in the army.
Bubba, you run along, you
don't want to keep Melanie waitin'.
Oh. Right. I've got
my first big date tonight
with the girl of my dreams
and I want to make
a good impression.
Nothing impresses
a girl like the military.
How about Vint and
me driving you over
and dropping
you off in the jeep?
- That would be great!
- Alright, men!
Fall in!
Left face!
Forward march!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Oh, aren't they cute?
Yeah. Sort of like that poster
"The few, the
proud, the marines."
With those three, it's more like
"The good, the
bad, and the ugly."
- Aaaah!
- Aaaah!
Oh!
Lord, Vinton!
Where in the hell have you been?
Baby, I was so worried!
Vinton, you didn't drive home
in that condition, did you?
No, no way. N-o-o-o-o.
Oh! No.
I shared a cab with a
whole bunch of people.
Maybe it was a bus.
You can't stand up
in the back of a cab.
Good Lord.
- How was your reunion?
- Oh, it was fantastic.
It was really great.
We had a chug-a-lug contest
and this girl popped out
of a cake and did a s...
Actually, it was kind of dull.
Kind of dull, was it?
Good Lord!
It looks like headgear
for Siamese Shriners!
I can explain that.
I certainly hope so.
I sure do love you, Naomi.
You're the most beautiful
woman in the whole world.
Better put him in
bed. He's delirious.
Put me in bed, I'm delirious.
Phew! Boy!
This really does take talent.
Oh!
Good Lord.
- What are you doin', grandma?
- Uh..
- How'd your big date go?
- What date?
Melanie's father wouldn't
let her go out with me.
What? Why not?
She said he found out
I was in juvenile hall.
Said his daughter wasn't
going to date a common criminal.
Well, that pompous old poop!
You're not a common criminal.
You're a youthful offender.
Face it, grandma. Juvenile
hall has ruined my life.
No girl is ever gonna
go out with me again.
No, Bubba.
Datin' isn't all it's cracked
up to be nowadays, anyway.
You start going with a girl,
you fall head over heels.
The next thing you
know, she's two-timing you
with some guy that
drives a fancy car
and wears a mohair suit.
She breaks your heart.
Your grades start to fall.
You drop out of school.
You can't keep a job
and you wind up a
bum on Skid Row.
Face it, that girl did
you the favor of your life
by dumping you.
Thanks.
I feel a lot better.
You know what? It is just
like that nun told Julie Andrews
in "The Sound Of Music."
"When the Lord closes a
door, he opens a window."
Yeah, well, what if the
Lord closes the door
and nails the window shut?
How am I supposed
to know? I ain't a nun!
Bubba Higgins,
breakfast is ready!
Oh, mama, not so loud.
Well, it serves you right!
Sergeant Gibbs always
was a bad influence on you.
You remember that time he
took you to the tattoo parlor?
If I hadn't rushed over there
you'd have a big ol' picture of
Connie Stevens on your chest.
Mornin', grandma.
What's for
breakfast? I'm starved.
Well, Bubba, where
have you been this early?
Takin' charge of my life.
Well, it sounds like you've
already gotten over Melanie.
Grandma, Melanie is my past.
The women of the
world are my future.
That's the spirit, Bubba.
There are plenty of
other fish in the sea.
Well, I'm glad to hear our
little talk did some good.
Yep. That and joinin' the army.
You're joinin' the
army? You're too young.
Sergeant said if you're old
enough to have a broken heart
you're old enough to sign up.
Sergeant Gibbs, I
should have known
that military motor-mouth
was behind this.
Mama, I won't hear a
bad word against Jimmy.
Then leave the room.
First he fills you with liquor
and now he fills Bubba
with pipe dreams.
It's not a pipe dream, grandma.
It's embarkin' on
a great new life.
Look at this. Here's a picture
of the South Pacific Island
where I'm gonna be stationed.
"Train in the tropics.
Bivouac on the beach."
Who's the platoon
leader, Annette Funicello?
Come on, Ms. Harper.
The army could be
very good for Bubba.
It might make a man out of him.
There's no guarantee of
that. It didn't make Vinton.
It did, too, mama.
Look, Bubba, if you were
a high school graduate
and you were joining the army
I'd go along with you.
But you're only doing this
because you were dumped
by some teenage tootsie.
I don't care what you
say. I'm joining up.
- I won't let you.
- You can't stop me.
I already signed the
papers with Sergeant Gibbs
and I leave for basic
training in the morning.
Bubba, you get back in here.
Well, I hope you're
happy, Private Harper.
He'll be fine, mama.
If that boy comes back
with a tattoo of
Madonna on his chest
I'm holding you
personally responsible.
Ow. Oh.
Oh, Thelma, try to
see the positive side.
Oh, yeah? What is it?
I don't think there is any.
W-w-what are you doin', grandma?
I'm sewin' nametags
into all your clothes.
I'm goin' to the army,
not sleep-away camp.
I've got to do something.
I'm knittin' you socks,
but in the meantime
I made you a gift.
Oh, thanks, Ms. Boylen.
What is it?
It's a cheerful mess kit cozy.
See? It's insulated to
keep your food warm
in case you get caught
in artillery fire at mealtime.
Iola, where in the world did
you get the idea for that thing?
It was in the
arts-and-crafts section
of “Soldier of Fortune."
I swear, they ought to put you
in the cuckoo
section of Bird World.
Hi, Ms. Harper?
I'm Melanie Noble.
Well, Melanie, I've
heard so much about you.
Grandma, she's
come crawlin' back.
At least give me a
chance to break her heart.
I wanted to tell you I'm sorry
about what happened last night.
Yeah. Me, too.
I was lookin' forward
to our date all week.
Really?
Well, that's water
under the bridge now.
You and I were
never meant to be.
- I think we were.
- You do?
Too bad your father
doesn't think so.
My father and I
got in a big fight
after you left last night.
I was so ashamed of
the way he treated you.
He was prejudiced
and narrow-minded
and mean and rotten.
You told him all that?
I would have if I hadn't gotten
a "D" in geometry.
But I did the next best thing.
- What's that?
- I cried.
Not just a puddle-up cry
but the kind where
your eyes turn into slits
and disappear in your
face, and your nose runs.
It works every time.
It does? It did?
Sure. And dad
apologized and said
now you could go out with me.
Well, that is, if
you still want to.
Do I?
- Melanie, you're wonderful.
- I know.
I missed you so much.
I missed you more
than you missed me.
There is no way you
could have missed me
more than I missed you.
I missed you a
million times more
than anybody could
ever be missed.
Lord, I wish I missed
this whole conversation.
Aren't they adorable?
- See you later, Melanie.
- Bye.
So... how'd it go?
Great. Melanie's
dad has seen the light
and we got a date
this Saturday night.
Yeah? Where you gonna
meet, the mess hall or the PX?
Oh, no. I'm in the army.
Well, I guess, he's all
ready for basic training.
Oh, Iola.
I can't believe Bubba
has gotten himself
into this mess.
The army is no place
for an innocent kid.
Oh, I don't know.
Mother was in the army.
She rather enjoyed it.
Mama, hurry up with that bag.
I've gotta get Bubba
there by 0800 hours.
Here. Take it and get gone.
Bubba, hurry
up. It's time to go.
We'll wait for you in the truck.
Oh, wait, you two.
I forgot to pack
his mess kit cozy.
Well, I guess this is
goodbye, grandma.
I guess so.
Thanks a lot for taking me
in and putting up with me.
This big, old house is gonna
seem mighty empty without you.
Grandma, if only I'd listened
to you in the first place
I wouldn't have to leave.
Well, Bubba, at
least it isn't jail.
- Goodbye, grandma.
- Bye-bye, baby.
You keep your mouth shut,
now. Don't volunteer for anything.
Oh, Thelma.
It's not so bad.
He'll be back in four years.
There's no tellin'
what bad habits
he's gonna pick up in the army.
He is so easily swayed.
And just when I started
swayin' him in my direction.
There are millions of young
men who've joined the army
and been much the better for it.
Go tell it to your mother.
Well, what the...
Well, if this pamphlet is
right, there ain't anybody
gonna be makin' a man
out of Bubba but me.
What is it?
Iola, you hold down the fort.
Thelma Harper has
just begun to fight.
Hi, is this the line for Tahiti?
Uh, no. This here is the
line for the proctologist.
I'll stand in that one.
You're in the right line now.
Sergeant Gibbs'
fun-and-sun package.
He's a personal
friend. Great guy.
He sure is. Here he comes now.
Hi, Sergeant Gibbs.
- Shut up, dope-face.
- Yes, sir.
Attention, worms.
Now when you pass your physical
and take your
oaths of allegiance
you will become official
members of the United States army.
That means you no longer
belong to your mama.
You belong to me.
Are there any questions?
What is it, Higgins?
Are we supposed to bring
our own surfboards to Tahiti
or is the army gonna
supply us with one?
Higgins, are you as
dumb as you look?
Yes, sir.
Well, I mean, no, sir.
Then it's my job
to smarten you up.
Drop and give me 50.
Yes, sir.
Okay, kids, the party's over.
Look out. It's an old lady.
Relax, boys.
You ain't got nothin'
I haven't seen before.
Grandma, what
are you doin' here?
Bubba, I have come
to take you back home.
Will you quit kissin'
that concrete?
Let's get the hell outta here.
Ms. Harper.
This area is off-limits
to nonmilitary personnel.
You're going to have
to leave immediately.
No problem. Come on, Bubba.
Higgins isn't going anywhere.
His Uncle Sam needs him.
Well, so does his
grandma, Thelma.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
Company, fall in.
About face.
Forward march.
Company, halt.
Sergeant Gibbs, is
your paperwork in order?
Yes, ma'am.
I can't hear you.
Paperwork in order... sir.
Is that so?
Well, according to
this pamphlet of yours
the one with your
picture on the cover
"It is illegal to induct anyone
"who has a prior criminal record
"without a review by
the induction board."
Let me see that.
Face it, Gibbs, you're
harboring a felon.
Higgins was in juvenile
hall for stealing a car
and he's still on probation.
Higgins has a criminal record?
- As long as my arm.
- Mine too.
Oh, no, if the Pentagon
hears about this
they'll have my stripes.
Private Higgins, get your
criminal carcass out of here.
Ex-private Higgins,
front and center.
♪♪ Grab your clothes
and follow me ♪♪
♪♪ Grab your clothes
and follow me ♪♪
♪♪ We'll have pie
and watch TV ♪♪
♪♪ We'll have pie
and watch TV ♪♪
♪♪ Sound off ♪♪
♪♪ One two ♪♪
♪♪ Sound off ♪♪
♪♪ Three four ♪♪♪♪
You know, Bubba, I'm so
glad you didn't join the army.
You were so brave
to tell that sergeant off
and just storm out
of there like that.
Yeah.
Bubba, it's bad for your eyes
to watch TV without a light on.
Uh, grandma, we
weren't watching TV.
Well, you are now.
Melanie, jump up and
hit Channel 9, will ya?
The three of us are
gonna make a night of it.