Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 18 - Grandma USA - full transcript

As a practical joke, Bubba enters Thelma into the Grandma USA contest using a young woman's picture. But it's no joke when she's picked to compete and everybody gets a load of the real Thelma Harper.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Good Lord!

[door opens]

Hiya, grandma.
What're you up to?

Take your pick, Bubba.

I'm either cleanin' the
oven or committin' suicide.

Hey, mama. What're you up to?

Lord, I swear, there's
a recessive gene

somewhere in this family.

Here's the mail.



Hey, look at this, grandma.

A letter for you from
"Lady Be Lovely Pageants."

Just throw that junk mail away.

I don't think it's
junk mail, grandma.

Here. Read it.

"Congratulations, Thelma Harper.

"Lady Be Lovely Pageants
has selected you as a contestant

"in the upcomin'
Grandma USA Pageant.

"Congratulations once
again, and good luck."

What the hell are
they talkin' about?

I saw this ad in the newspaper

and it said, "Do you have
a beautiful grandmother?"

Naturally, I thought of you.

So far, so good.



I filled out the entry blank,
sent it in with a picture

and now you're gonna
be Grandma USA.

Are you nuts?

The winner gets a
brand-new red Corvette.

There is no prize on this earth

that's gonna make me
get up on some stage

and show people parts of my
body the sun hasn't even seen.

The winner also gets a
brand-new dream kitchen.

'Course, all you gotta
do is walk down a runway.

Let me see that sucker.

You're not thinkin' of goin'
through with this, are you?

You bet I am. This kitchen
comes with a self-cleanin' oven.

You don't want to be in
one of them beauty contests.

And why not?

For one thing, all those
women are beautiful.

Not that you're
not, but they're...

Well, you know.

"You know" what?

They're all glamorous
and well-built.

Whereas you're more... More...

Well, just more.

Lady Be Lovely doesn't think so.

I'm gonna call the beauty
spot and see if they can

give me a hairdo
that'll hold up a crown.

I can't figure it. Why'd they
want mama in a beauty contest?

Because I sent in Aunt
Naomi's picture instead of hers.

Bubba, you didn't.

We better tell mama about this

before she ends up
makin' a fool of herself.

♪♪ A pretty girl ♪♪

Warm up that tiara, fellas.
Mama's hittin' the runway.

♪♪ Is like a... ♪♪♪♪

Okay, I got my evenin' gown

I got my dress for
the talent competition

I got my dress oxfords.

I got enough makeup in
here to paint the side of a barn.

Thelma, I don't
mean to be indelicate

but how you gonna handle
the swimsuit competition?

I got that new suit I bought
to go to the hot springs.

Saleslady said
when I put this on

she'd never seen
anything like it.

Me neither.

What do you think?

At least you didn't
go with a bikini.

Why don't you just
show us your walk?

For pity's sakes,
you've seen me walk.

The walk you're
gonna do tonight.

- Your pageant walk.
- Yeah.

I guess, it'll go
somethin' like this.

- Ms. Harper, that is all wrong.
- I got here, didn't I?

Try it again. This time,
lead with your chin.

(Naomi) You gotta
loosen up, Ms. Harper.

Swing those hips!

- How's that?
- Pretty good. Try it again.

This time, keep your
palms parallel to the floor.

Take smaller steps.

Ms. Harper, you are
forgetting to smile.

Oh.

I think I got it!
I think I got it!

[piano music]

Thelma, remember.

- Whatever you do, be a lady.
- Okay.

But not too much of
a lady, Ms. Harper.

Those judges like a gal
who can strut her stuff.

Will you two quit pickin' on me?

I'm tryin' to psych myself up.

I have one word of
encouragement for you.

Corvette.

Alright, alright!

Now, mama, calm down.

Just put everything
out of your mind.

The judges, the
competition, the TV cameras

the fact that thousands
of people at home

are gonna be watchin'
your every move.

I'll do that. Thank...

Those cords you might trip on,

those lights that could
fall down on your head.

Vinton, if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna punch your lights out!

Hey, there's Eddie Edwards!

Oh, Mr. Edwards, could
I have your autograph?

I have admired you for years

on "Bowling for Dishes."

Thank you.

You better get to
the dressin' room.

You don't want to
get left out, Thelma.

- I'm not Thelma.
- I'm Thelma.

Ha! No, you're not. She is.

Just a minute!
I'm Thelma Harper.

The only grandmother
in this group!

There's somethin'
fishy goin' on then

'cause I have your
entry form right here

and this is a picture
of you, little lady.

Vinton, it's a picture
from our wedding.

- I've been cut out.
- Bubba.

I guess when I cut the
picture I sent in the wrong half.

I ought to cut off the wrong
half of you, you big dipstick.

I'm sorry, but this here
application is invalid.

You mean to tell me

I bought a new long-line
foundation for nothin'?

I cannot believe that anyone

would mistake me
for a grandmother.

I can.

Hush up, Iola.

Please, Mr. Edwards, you
can't blame my grandma

for my mistake.

I'm sorry, kid,
but rules are rules.

Every entry form has
to have a photograph

of the contestant.

Mama's arm is in this picture.

Yeah. And look at
this, here's her foot.

That's me, alright.

Loophole! Loophole!

Well... why not?

It might be a real novelty

havin' someone in this contest

that actually looks
like a grandma.

Good luck, Thelma.

Wait a minute. What
does he mean by a novelty?

What do the other
grandmothers look like?

[drum roll]

(male announcer) And
now Lady Be Lovely presents

the Grandma USA Pageant

with the music of Clyde
Boyle and his Raytones!

[instrumental music]

And here he is,
Mr. Television himself

Eddie Edwards!

[orchestral music]

[cheers and applause]

♪♪ Hats off ♪♪

♪♪ Here they come
those beautiful girls ♪♪

♪♪ That's what you've
been waiting for ♪♪

♪♪ Nature never fashioned ♪♪

♪♪ A flower so fair ♪♪

♪♪ No rose can compare ♪♪

♪♪ Nothing respectable
quite so delectable ♪♪

♪♪ Cheer them in their glory ♪♪

♪♪ Diamonds and pearls ♪♪

♪♪ Dazzling jewels
by the score ♪♪

♪♪ This is what beauty can be ♪♪

♪♪ Beauty celestial
the best you'll agree ♪♪

♪♪ All for you those
beautiful girls ♪♪

Uh-oh.

♪♪ This is what beauty can be ♪♪

♪♪ Beauty celestial
the best you'll agree ♪♪

♪♪ Each a gem ♪♪

♪♪ A beautiful diadem ♪♪

♪♪ A beautiful welcome them ♪♪

♪♪ Those beautiful girls ♪♪♪♪

[cheers and applause]

Let's have a nice
round of applause

as our beautiful
grandmas take one last turn

in the evening gown competition.

[applause]

[instrumental music]

Oh!

When did you get married
anyway, in the seventh grade?

Good lord. Talk about
your "Silicone Valley."

[instrumental music]

[applause]

[instrumental music]

[orchestral music]

Welcome back to the second
half of our talent competition.

And now here's our own little
twirlin' dervish, Grandma Nancy!

[applause]

[up-tempo music]

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

[instrumental music]

[tapping]

[music continues]

[tapping]

[cheers and applause]

[orchestral music]

That was our tapping
typist, Grandma Pam.

[cheers and applause]

And now for our final contestant

Grandma Thelma.

[cheers and applause]

Thelma, what is your talent?

Well, I'm real good at
cookin' and scrubbin' toilets

and drinkin' beer.

Wonderful. What are you
gonna do for us tonight?

I don't have a real
talent to speak of, Eddie.

I do know this song
that my daddy taught me

when I was a little girl.

He used to take me
over to the Bigger Jigger...

except, back in those days,
it was just called the Jigger.

I'd sit on the edge of the bar

and I'd sing for his buddies.

You think I oughta
give that a try?

Go right ahead.
Don't you be nervous.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Grandma Thelma.

[cheers and applause]

[piano music]

Oh, that's for me. I'm sorry.

They never had a
piano over at the Jigger.

Okay. Let her rip again there.

[piano music]

Okay.

Okay.

Alright, I got it!!

♪♪ Some of these days ♪♪

♪♪ You're gonna miss me honey ♪♪

♪♪ Some of these days ♪♪

♪♪ You're gonna
feel so lonely ♪♪

♪♪ You'll miss my huggin' ♪♪

♪♪ You'll miss my kissin' ♪♪

♪♪ You'll miss me honey ♪♪

♪♪ When you go away ♪♪

♪♪ I feel so lonely ♪♪

♪♪ Just for you only ♪♪

♪♪ For you know honey ♪♪

♪♪ You've always had your way ♪♪

♪♪ And when you leave me ♪♪

♪♪ You know it will grieve me ♪♪

♪♪ You're gonna miss
your lovin' mama ♪♪

♪♪ Some of these days ♪♪

♪♪ And when you leave me ♪♪

♪♪ Don't you know
it's gonna grieve me ♪♪

♪♪ You're gonna miss your ♪♪

♪♪ Big fat ever-lovin' mama ♪♪

♪♪ Some of these ♪♪

♪♪ Days ♪♪♪♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[orchestral music]

Ladies and gentlemen, our judges

have narrowed our contestants
down to three finalists.

I don't know about you,
but I'm sweatin' bullets.

The three finalists, in
no particular order, are.

Finalist number
one... [drum roll]

Grandma Francine!

[cheers and applause]

Take away that
face and that body

and what do you got? Me!

Finalist number
two... [drum roll]

Grandma Betty.

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Isn't it wonderful?

I'm so excited.
I can't believe it.

All that phony
huggin' and kissin'

just makes me sick.

And finalist number
three... [drum roll]

Grandma Thelma!

Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm so excited!!

I love you!

Oh! Oh!

This is wonderful!!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ohh!

Congratulations, ladies.

Now we come to the all-important

question-and-answer
part of our contest.

So, please, let me remind you

think before you speak.

- Grandma Francine.
- Yes, Eddie?

C-concentrate... my dear!

[clears throat]

"What do you like best
about being a grandmother?"

Not lookin' like one.

Good answer! Ha ha ha!

See ya later.

[applause]

Grandma Betty.

"As Grandma USA

"if you could be
granted any three wishes

"what would they be?"

To end world hunger.

To bring peace to every nation.

And to find a
cure for cellulite.

Let's here it for Grandma Betty.

[applause]

- And Grandma Thelma.
- Yo, Edwardo.

- You're not nervous, are you?
- How could I be?

When I got this wonderful
audience pullin' for me?

You are wonderful!

[cheers and applause]

Let's get on with the questions.

Let them give themselves a hand!

Wonderful! Terrific!

- Grandma Thelma...
- Terrific!

- Grandma Thel...
- Terrific!

- Grandma Thelma...
- Terrific!

Thelma, "How old..."

- "How old are you?"
- Say what?

How old are you?

What the hell kind
of a question is that?

Our judges felt that Grandma USA

should be a woman
proud of her years.

Yeah? How old are the judges?

You're gettin' away
from the subject.

You bet I am, you big bozo!

How come you didn't
ask my three wishes

like you did thunder thighs?

The question is,
how old are you?

And the answer's none
of your damn business!

[cheers and applause]

While our judges are
makin' their final decision

let's take one last look
at our three finalists.

Who will wear the crown?

Will it be Grandma Francine.

[applause]

Grandma Betty.

[applause]

Or Grandma Thelma?

[loud cheers and applause]

And here's the judges' decision.

[drum roll]

Our second runner-up
is... Grandma Betty!

[orchestral music]

[applause]

Now, one of these two...

One of these two ladies will
be the next Grandma USA.

If our queen is unable
to complete her reign

due to death or infirmity

she will be replaced
by our first runner-up.

Our new Grandma USA
is... Grandma Francine!

[orchestral music]

[applause]

What?

This contest was rigged!

I demand a recount!

If she's a grandmother,
then I'm Vanna White!

Thelma, you should be happy.

Bein' first runner-up
is a real honor.

I bet that Grandma Francine's

gonna look great
in her new Corvette.

Well, she oughta, they
probably both came off

the same assembly line.

Ms. Harper, I thought
you did really well

until they slipped
you that trick question.

Yeah. By the way,
mama, how old are you?

Let me put it to
you this way, Vinton

my age and your I.Q.
are runnin' neck and neck.

[theme music]