Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 15 - Porn Again - full transcript
Mama finds an adult magazine in Bubba's room. When she learns he bought it at Food Circus (where Naomi is employed), she leads a boycott of the store.
Honey, look what I found
on the top of the closet.
- What is it?
- The monopoly game.
What do you say we all
play tonight after dinner?
Do we have to?
I'm always the first
one to go bankrupt.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!
Pornography under my very roof!
What are you talkin'
about, Ms. Harper?
I am talkin' about
"Casanova" magazine.
"Girls Of The Interstate."
I haven't seen that issue.
And you never will.
Where'd you find it, Ms. Harper?
In Bubba's room,
right there in plain sight
under his mattress.
Oh, now, mama, it's
not such a big deal.
Vinton's right.
Kids know a lot today.
You know why?
Magazines like this.
I'm gonna go put this thing
in the trash where it belongs.
"Miss July?"
"Tiffany loves animals
"but admits to being
shy around people."
Well, if that's "shy"
I'd hate to see what
"friendly" looks like.
"Tiffany boasts
a 38-inch chest."
Well, what's that
to boast about?
Most of the women I
know got 38-inch chests.
Of course, they also
got 38-inch waists.
Hey, grandma. What's up?
The jig is up, mister.
Uh, that's not mine.
Don't you give me that.
I will not have this
filth in my house.
Huh, I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
I didn't put that
under my mattress.
Don't lie your way
out of this one.
You're in big trouble, mister.
I didn't do anything wrong.
You're the one that
trespassed into my room.
Well, Bubba, since your
room is so important to you
I don't imagine you'll mind
spendin' the next week there.
You are grounded.
Grounded? You
can't do that to me.
You raise your voice to
me and it'll be two weeks.
Okay, you win, but if I
have to stay in my room
can I at least have
my magazine back?
Out!
Lord, I wonder how Bill
Cosby would have handled that.
Oh, boy, this is the best game
of monopoly I ever played.
I never had boardwalk before.
Hurry up, Naomi. Land
on one of my properties.
"Chance."
Oh, shoot, now I have
to pay everybody rent.
Talk about a game
based on fantasy.
Your turn, mama. Let's go.
Vint, you're so lucky
tonight. You own everything.
His luck's about to change.
You just watch
my little top hat go.
"Community Chest?"
Lord, I've seen enough
of those for one day.
"Go to jail!"
Well, now maybe you
know what it feels like.
I can't stand it.
I'm goin' stir-crazy.
Oh, for crying out loud, Bubba
you've only been grounded
for a couple of hours.
Oh, shoot, "Luxury tax."
But grandma, you
gotta let me out.
Coach will kill me if I miss
the big game Friday night.
I'm sure coach can
find somebody else
to warm the bench and
throw ice at the cheerleaders.
Come on, mama. Let him go.
He has got a lesson to
learn about decent behavior
if he's gonna continue
livin' under my roof.
- What did you do, Bubba?
- Oh, boy, doubles!
All I did was buy a dumb
"Casanova" magazine.
"Casanova?"
Where'd an underage boy
get a magazine like that?
I got it at Food Circus.
Food Circus?
What lunatic down there would
peddle that kind of garbage
to underage kids?
Aunt Naomi.
Naomi.
Wait a minute, I
didn't sell it to you.
"Chance. Advance
to St. Charles."
Yes, you did. It was Tuesday.
I bought Twinkies, a quart
of oil, and the "Casanova."
- Naomi Harper.
- Ooh, another doubles!
I don't watch what people buy.
I'm on the express line.
I'm trained for speed.
Oh, well, swell.
I suppose if a bunch
of pre-schoolers
walked up with
liquor and cigarettes
you'd run that through too.
Somebody has got
to be responsible
for what they sell to children.
- I am not a child.
- We know you're not a child!
Get on up to your room.
Yes, ma'am.
Ooh-ee, another $200!
And I get to roll again.
Naomi Harper, how
could you do such a thing?
- It's not Naomi's fault.
- Thank you, Iola.
The checkers are merely
pawns in a much bigger game.
They're only doin'
what they're told.
They're mindless,
ignorant drudges.
What?
The real problem is with that
morally reprehensible
Food Circus.
Now, hold on, Food
Circus is a fine store.
We double-bag everything.
What kind of a fine store
sells illegal items to minors?
Okay, I'm buyin' water works.
I got the utilities
all sewed up.
What do you intend
to do about it, Iola?
Food Circus is a
huge supermarket.
Are you just gonna walk in
there and change store policy?
Well, we could give it a
try, couldn't we, Thelma?
Sure, we could.
What could we do?
We'll hit 'em where it hurts in
the pocket book, form a boycott.
We could get the D.O.R. to help.
The Daughters of
Raytown. Great idea!
They love a cause.
- We could all picket.
- Yeah.
Okay, hotels all around.
You can't do that to
Food Circus. I work there!
You should have thought of that
before you started
sellin' dirty books.
It's your turn, Naomi.
I'm not gonna go on playin'
with these uptight old biddies.
Speakin' of old biddies,
let's go call the D.O.R.
I bought some paints and poster
board for the Sunday school.
Run on home and
make us some signs.
Those kids could make
Noah's ark out of clay.
Hey, wait a minute! You
can't all walk out on me!
I own everything but
Baltic and Mediterranean!
Come on, Aunt
Effie, get the lead out.
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
I guess I should have
worn my Reeboks.
Couldn't we have waited a
little later in the year to do this
after things cool off?
Why don't we find us a
nice big tree to sit under
instead of standin'
out here in the sun?
We have to be in front of
the store. We're gonna picket.
Picket? I thought
you said picnic.
I brought my deviled eggs.
I love your deviled
eggs. Break 'em out.
May I remind you that we
are here to stop this store
from sellin' pornography?
This is war, ladies.
Excuse me, sir?
Did you know that this
store sells girlie magazines?
No!
Thanks for reminding me.
I'll... make sure I pick one up.
Real good, Iola.
Well, girls, here I am.
Pearl, thank
goodness you made it.
Where's the rest of the D.O.R?
At the garden club luncheon.
Well, how do you like that?
They're sniffin' petunias
and we're out here
walkin' our bunions off.
You mean it's only
gonna be the four of us?
Then there'll be
plenty for everybody!
- Here, Pearl, have an egg.
- Maybe later.
I've to run inside and
pick up a few things.
Pearl, we are boycottin'
the Food Circus.
You can't shop here.
But, but I'm out of
tuna, and it's on sale.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
I cannot organize
an effective picket line
with the three of you!
Well, I resent that.
Are you sayin' that we can't
stop people from shopping here
just 'cause we're
three old ladies?
You just stand aside, Iola.
Watch this gray panther roar.
Excuse me, madam,
did you realize
that this market is sellin'
trashy magazines to minors?
No.
Do you want those smuts
starin' at you every time
you buy a loaf of bread?
No, I don't.
This is a decent place to live
and we intend to
keep it that way.
Yes.
My friends, we got trouble!
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
Right here in Raytown!
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
That's trouble
with a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for porn!
Porn, porn, porn!
Come on, I'm trading elsewhere.
- So am I.
- Me too.
God bless you, dear.
Come on, have an egg.
Ms. Harper, I want you
out of here right now.
This tomfoolery is
going to cost me my job.
We're not leavin' till you
get rid of those magazines.
Food Circus has a right
to sell whatever it chooses.
Well, we got a right
to try and stop 'em.
Ms. Harper, please take
these women and go home.
Get out of this hot sun.
Good idea.
Freeze where you stand!
We are not goin' anywhere
until that smut is taken
off of them shelves.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
Mr. Carothers!
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go...
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
Shoot, why don't we go?
Yes, haven't we done enough?
We've turned away
over 60 customers.
Yeah, my dogs are barkin'.
Let's call it a day, girls.
Hello, ladies.
Calling it quits?
Not on your life.
We're just shiftin' from
fast idle to high gear.
Come on, girls,
let's strut our stuff.
Don't shop here
for peas and corn.
They break the
law by sellin' porn.
Don't shop here
for peas and corn.
They break the
law by sellin' porn...
Four cans for a dollar?
Pearl.
You traitor!
I can't believe
she'd sell us out
for a can of tuna.
Sorry, Charlie.
Come on, troops,
we got to hang tough.
They brought out the big guns.
Yeah, and I thought
fightin' with fish
was against the
Geneva convention.
Lord, you would think
this heat would let up.
Effie, come sit down,
sweetie. I'll spell you.
No, I gotta keep walkin'.
Bless your heart.
Our cause has
really gotten to you.
Nope, but that half
gallon of tea I drunk has.
And the nearest powder
room is in the Food Circus.
You just hang in there.
We're only gonna be
here three more hours.
Ah! Ooh-hoo!
Effie!
Lord, it's like rats
leavin' a sinkin' ship.
Hey, mama. How's it goin'?
Pretty good, Vinton.
They haven't had a
customer in over an hour.
Hey, Skeeter, how's it goin'?
Two down, and two to go.
You wanna take your
coffee break with me?
I'd love to, honey,
but I have work to do.
It certainly couldn't
be checking
'cause you're almost
out of customers.
Not for long.
Triple coupons?
That's right.
Iola, don't you usually carry
a great big wad of coupons
in your purse?
Coupons?
So I do.
Iola.
Thelma, I can't help
it. Triple coupons.
I got coffee and
kitty litter in here.
Iola Boylen, you turncoat!
This whole thing was your idea!
- Thelma Harper?
- What?
- Maggie Scott. K-Ray TV.
- Fine.
We're going on the air.
You mean here? You
mean live? You mean me?
Stand by.
Thank you, Marvin.
This is Maggie Scott on
location at Food Circus
where business is
down with Thelma Harper
whose dander is up.
Why?
Well, Maggie... we
are boycottin' this store
until they stop sellin' them
trashy girlie magazines.
Those magazines, her thoughts.
Well, I think
they're just terrible.
They'll sell them to anybody
that can reach the counter.
That is a lie.
A Food Circus employee.
Your name, her views.
Naomi Harper, Ten items or less.
I think that this store
has a right to sell
whatever it wants to.
Is this America or what?
No decent American
wants to look at that smut!
An impartial party.
Sir, picketing, adult
magazines, his views.
- Are we on TV?
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Bubba, look,
it's me, Uncle Vint.
I'm on TV.
Get out of there, you nitwit!
Mrs. Harper, her final word.
Well, Maggie, I'm just a
poor, helpless widow woman.
A poor grandma who is tryin' to
keep this ruthless supermarket
from sellin' these horrible
magazines to our children.
If I have to, I will do it alone
but, please, isn't there
somebody out there
who will help me make
Raytown a decent place to live?
Give us a break!
Shut up! I'm on TV!
Get out here, girls!
We got media coverage!
You can't shut
me up, Ms. Harper.
I have freedom of speech!
Well, if you're so
fond of your freedom
why don't you find
another place to live?
Mama, you don't mean that.
Who cares?
I don't want that old basement!
Naomi, you don't mean that.
Vinton, butt out!
You don't know what
you're talkin' about.
Picketing... Picketing, conflict
drama, human emotion.
How will it end?
We'll be right back
after these messages.
Well, bless your heart.
Well, we can use all
the support we can get.
I want you to give me that
zip code one more time.
Okay. I got you down.
I'm gonna put you
on our mailing list.
And thank you so
much for callin' M.O.P.
Ladies, I just got a call all
the way from Cedar Rapids.
We have hit the big time.
Imagine. Cedar Rapids.
She saw me on the national news.
It was that "Poor, old
widow" part that got to her.
Just think, our
own Thelma Harper
beamed across
the entire country.
Yeah. Tom Brokaw must have
been hurtin' for news that day.
I'll tell you what, ladies,
we are on our way.
M.O.P. Is gonna bring
Food Circus to its knees.
Mama, where's the peanut butter?
It's not on the shelf
where it always is.
I don't know, Vinton,
maybe it got lonely
and went over to visit
the pork and beans.
Can't you see that
I'm in conference here?
Alright, what will
we confer about?
Well, Thelma, we need
more picketing supplies
a dozen magic markers,
and a gross of corn pads.
Mama.
Mama, I need you in here.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Just table that corn
pad motion till I get back.
Iola, I'm puttin' you in
charge of that phone.
Vinton, this had
better be important.
Well, I should say it is.
You bought the wrong jelly.
Vinton, I am busy.
For all I care, you
can eat petroleum jelly.
Mama, you know my
favorite brand is PV's jelly.
The only place they
sell that is Food Circus
and that's off-limits.
I can't eat this.
It doesn't have all
the little seeds in it.
This boycott has been
difficult on all of us.
We have all had to
make our sacrifices.
If I can do without
my Big Top beer
you can do without your seeds.
Hey, everybody. I'm
de-grounded. Bye.
What? Just a...
Not so fast. Where do
you think you're goin'?
The movies.
It better not be one
of them sexy movies.
No, ma'am, I'm gonna go see
"Night Of The Butcher Zombies."
Ah, ha ha ha.
That sounds fine.
Okay. Bye.
Thelma, come quick.
You got a long-distance
phone call from Hollywood.
- A movie producer.
- Oh!
I wish I had time to
put on my new dress.
Hello?
Yes, this is Thelma Harper.
Oh!
It is Jackie Mann of
Jackie Mann Productions.
Yes. I'm listenin'.
You are kiddin' me.
He wants to do a movie of
the week all about M.O.P.
Hello? Oh, alright.
Okay, I'm waitin'.
He put me on hold.
He just got a phone
call from Tony Orlando.
What ever happened to Dawn?
Okay. Alright.
No, I'll be right here waitin'.
Okay, goodbye.
That was Jackie's
secretary, Sylvia.
He's gonna have to call me back.
Oh, Thelma, two
long-distance calls.
He must mean business.
Skeeter, you won't
believe the good news.
Later, honey. I have
good news of my own.
Mr. Carothers has authorized me
to negotiate with
you boycotters.
So...
Mr. Carothers wants
to negotiate, does he?
Let me just consult
with my fellow M.O.Ps.
This is gonna be
great for the movie.
So...
is Mr. Carothers gonna take
them "Casanova" magazines
off the shelves?
No, not exactly, but what we...
That's it.
Negotiations are over.
Oh, come on, mama.
Negotiate means
to give and take.
You're gonna
have to give a little.
That's right, Ms. Harper.
Now, don't be hard-headed.
If negotiate means that she
is gonna get to call me names
then I am just
gonna go upstairs.
Uh, Thelma, may we confer?
This is no time to be stubborn.
She's right, it won't
be good for the film.
Say no more.
So...
Naomi, what are you offerin'?
Mr. Carothers says that
we will move the magazines
to a rack high up where
only adults can see 'em.
That sounds fair.
Horse puckey, if you're
gonna carry them magazines
put 'em in the stockroom
where nobody can look at 'em.
She's got a point.
We couldn't do that.
Every time somebody wanted one
I'd have to close my drawer,
go to the stockroom and get it,
traipse all the way back to
my station, unlock my drawer,
count the cash,
and then sell it?
It's true.
Sounds like too much trouble
to even carry that
"Casanova", isn't it?
Alright, this is
Mr. Carothers' bottom line.
We will put the magazines
behind the check stand.
That way, anyone who
wanted one would have to ask
and they would be
out of sight of children.
What about the box boys?
We'll cover
everything but the title.
Alright, Naomi, you
got yourself a deal.
Oh!
Wow, that was just
like a power struggle
between Krystle and Alexis.
I'm gonna go tell
Mr. Carothers the good news.
I'll go with you, Skeeter.
I wanna pick up some PV's jelly.
Grab me a case of that Big
Top beer while you're at it.
Thelma, we did it. M.O.P.
cleaned up Food Circus.
Thank goodness, now M.O.P.
can clean up my living room.
Let's clear this junk out
of here so I can live again.
M.O.P.
Yes, this is Thelma Harper.
Oh, hello, Sylvia!
It's Jackie Mann Productions.
Okay, go ahead. Put him on.
Yo, Jackie.
Thelma here.
Yea... Now, listen up, Jackie
if I agree to let
you do my story
I expect to be portrayed
honestly and truthfully
just as I really am.
Yes, just exactly who did you
have in mind to play my part?
Oh, yes!
I think Loni Anderson
would be perfect!
on the top of the closet.
- What is it?
- The monopoly game.
What do you say we all
play tonight after dinner?
Do we have to?
I'm always the first
one to go bankrupt.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!
Pornography under my very roof!
What are you talkin'
about, Ms. Harper?
I am talkin' about
"Casanova" magazine.
"Girls Of The Interstate."
I haven't seen that issue.
And you never will.
Where'd you find it, Ms. Harper?
In Bubba's room,
right there in plain sight
under his mattress.
Oh, now, mama, it's
not such a big deal.
Vinton's right.
Kids know a lot today.
You know why?
Magazines like this.
I'm gonna go put this thing
in the trash where it belongs.
"Miss July?"
"Tiffany loves animals
"but admits to being
shy around people."
Well, if that's "shy"
I'd hate to see what
"friendly" looks like.
"Tiffany boasts
a 38-inch chest."
Well, what's that
to boast about?
Most of the women I
know got 38-inch chests.
Of course, they also
got 38-inch waists.
Hey, grandma. What's up?
The jig is up, mister.
Uh, that's not mine.
Don't you give me that.
I will not have this
filth in my house.
Huh, I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
I didn't put that
under my mattress.
Don't lie your way
out of this one.
You're in big trouble, mister.
I didn't do anything wrong.
You're the one that
trespassed into my room.
Well, Bubba, since your
room is so important to you
I don't imagine you'll mind
spendin' the next week there.
You are grounded.
Grounded? You
can't do that to me.
You raise your voice to
me and it'll be two weeks.
Okay, you win, but if I
have to stay in my room
can I at least have
my magazine back?
Out!
Lord, I wonder how Bill
Cosby would have handled that.
Oh, boy, this is the best game
of monopoly I ever played.
I never had boardwalk before.
Hurry up, Naomi. Land
on one of my properties.
"Chance."
Oh, shoot, now I have
to pay everybody rent.
Talk about a game
based on fantasy.
Your turn, mama. Let's go.
Vint, you're so lucky
tonight. You own everything.
His luck's about to change.
You just watch
my little top hat go.
"Community Chest?"
Lord, I've seen enough
of those for one day.
"Go to jail!"
Well, now maybe you
know what it feels like.
I can't stand it.
I'm goin' stir-crazy.
Oh, for crying out loud, Bubba
you've only been grounded
for a couple of hours.
Oh, shoot, "Luxury tax."
But grandma, you
gotta let me out.
Coach will kill me if I miss
the big game Friday night.
I'm sure coach can
find somebody else
to warm the bench and
throw ice at the cheerleaders.
Come on, mama. Let him go.
He has got a lesson to
learn about decent behavior
if he's gonna continue
livin' under my roof.
- What did you do, Bubba?
- Oh, boy, doubles!
All I did was buy a dumb
"Casanova" magazine.
"Casanova?"
Where'd an underage boy
get a magazine like that?
I got it at Food Circus.
Food Circus?
What lunatic down there would
peddle that kind of garbage
to underage kids?
Aunt Naomi.
Naomi.
Wait a minute, I
didn't sell it to you.
"Chance. Advance
to St. Charles."
Yes, you did. It was Tuesday.
I bought Twinkies, a quart
of oil, and the "Casanova."
- Naomi Harper.
- Ooh, another doubles!
I don't watch what people buy.
I'm on the express line.
I'm trained for speed.
Oh, well, swell.
I suppose if a bunch
of pre-schoolers
walked up with
liquor and cigarettes
you'd run that through too.
Somebody has got
to be responsible
for what they sell to children.
- I am not a child.
- We know you're not a child!
Get on up to your room.
Yes, ma'am.
Ooh-ee, another $200!
And I get to roll again.
Naomi Harper, how
could you do such a thing?
- It's not Naomi's fault.
- Thank you, Iola.
The checkers are merely
pawns in a much bigger game.
They're only doin'
what they're told.
They're mindless,
ignorant drudges.
What?
The real problem is with that
morally reprehensible
Food Circus.
Now, hold on, Food
Circus is a fine store.
We double-bag everything.
What kind of a fine store
sells illegal items to minors?
Okay, I'm buyin' water works.
I got the utilities
all sewed up.
What do you intend
to do about it, Iola?
Food Circus is a
huge supermarket.
Are you just gonna walk in
there and change store policy?
Well, we could give it a
try, couldn't we, Thelma?
Sure, we could.
What could we do?
We'll hit 'em where it hurts in
the pocket book, form a boycott.
We could get the D.O.R. to help.
The Daughters of
Raytown. Great idea!
They love a cause.
- We could all picket.
- Yeah.
Okay, hotels all around.
You can't do that to
Food Circus. I work there!
You should have thought of that
before you started
sellin' dirty books.
It's your turn, Naomi.
I'm not gonna go on playin'
with these uptight old biddies.
Speakin' of old biddies,
let's go call the D.O.R.
I bought some paints and poster
board for the Sunday school.
Run on home and
make us some signs.
Those kids could make
Noah's ark out of clay.
Hey, wait a minute! You
can't all walk out on me!
I own everything but
Baltic and Mediterranean!
Come on, Aunt
Effie, get the lead out.
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
I guess I should have
worn my Reeboks.
Couldn't we have waited a
little later in the year to do this
after things cool off?
Why don't we find us a
nice big tree to sit under
instead of standin'
out here in the sun?
We have to be in front of
the store. We're gonna picket.
Picket? I thought
you said picnic.
I brought my deviled eggs.
I love your deviled
eggs. Break 'em out.
May I remind you that we
are here to stop this store
from sellin' pornography?
This is war, ladies.
Excuse me, sir?
Did you know that this
store sells girlie magazines?
No!
Thanks for reminding me.
I'll... make sure I pick one up.
Real good, Iola.
Well, girls, here I am.
Pearl, thank
goodness you made it.
Where's the rest of the D.O.R?
At the garden club luncheon.
Well, how do you like that?
They're sniffin' petunias
and we're out here
walkin' our bunions off.
You mean it's only
gonna be the four of us?
Then there'll be
plenty for everybody!
- Here, Pearl, have an egg.
- Maybe later.
I've to run inside and
pick up a few things.
Pearl, we are boycottin'
the Food Circus.
You can't shop here.
But, but I'm out of
tuna, and it's on sale.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
I cannot organize
an effective picket line
with the three of you!
Well, I resent that.
Are you sayin' that we can't
stop people from shopping here
just 'cause we're
three old ladies?
You just stand aside, Iola.
Watch this gray panther roar.
Excuse me, madam,
did you realize
that this market is sellin'
trashy magazines to minors?
No.
Do you want those smuts
starin' at you every time
you buy a loaf of bread?
No, I don't.
This is a decent place to live
and we intend to
keep it that way.
Yes.
My friends, we got trouble!
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
Right here in Raytown!
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
That's trouble
with a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for porn!
Porn, porn, porn!
Come on, I'm trading elsewhere.
- So am I.
- Me too.
God bless you, dear.
Come on, have an egg.
Ms. Harper, I want you
out of here right now.
This tomfoolery is
going to cost me my job.
We're not leavin' till you
get rid of those magazines.
Food Circus has a right
to sell whatever it chooses.
Well, we got a right
to try and stop 'em.
Ms. Harper, please take
these women and go home.
Get out of this hot sun.
Good idea.
Freeze where you stand!
We are not goin' anywhere
until that smut is taken
off of them shelves.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
Mr. Carothers!
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go...
"Casanova" has to go.
"Casanova" has to go.
Shoot, why don't we go?
Yes, haven't we done enough?
We've turned away
over 60 customers.
Yeah, my dogs are barkin'.
Let's call it a day, girls.
Hello, ladies.
Calling it quits?
Not on your life.
We're just shiftin' from
fast idle to high gear.
Come on, girls,
let's strut our stuff.
Don't shop here
for peas and corn.
They break the
law by sellin' porn.
Don't shop here
for peas and corn.
They break the
law by sellin' porn...
Four cans for a dollar?
Pearl.
You traitor!
I can't believe
she'd sell us out
for a can of tuna.
Sorry, Charlie.
Come on, troops,
we got to hang tough.
They brought out the big guns.
Yeah, and I thought
fightin' with fish
was against the
Geneva convention.
Lord, you would think
this heat would let up.
Effie, come sit down,
sweetie. I'll spell you.
No, I gotta keep walkin'.
Bless your heart.
Our cause has
really gotten to you.
Nope, but that half
gallon of tea I drunk has.
And the nearest powder
room is in the Food Circus.
You just hang in there.
We're only gonna be
here three more hours.
Ah! Ooh-hoo!
Effie!
Lord, it's like rats
leavin' a sinkin' ship.
Hey, mama. How's it goin'?
Pretty good, Vinton.
They haven't had a
customer in over an hour.
Hey, Skeeter, how's it goin'?
Two down, and two to go.
You wanna take your
coffee break with me?
I'd love to, honey,
but I have work to do.
It certainly couldn't
be checking
'cause you're almost
out of customers.
Not for long.
Triple coupons?
That's right.
Iola, don't you usually carry
a great big wad of coupons
in your purse?
Coupons?
So I do.
Iola.
Thelma, I can't help
it. Triple coupons.
I got coffee and
kitty litter in here.
Iola Boylen, you turncoat!
This whole thing was your idea!
- Thelma Harper?
- What?
- Maggie Scott. K-Ray TV.
- Fine.
We're going on the air.
You mean here? You
mean live? You mean me?
Stand by.
Thank you, Marvin.
This is Maggie Scott on
location at Food Circus
where business is
down with Thelma Harper
whose dander is up.
Why?
Well, Maggie... we
are boycottin' this store
until they stop sellin' them
trashy girlie magazines.
Those magazines, her thoughts.
Well, I think
they're just terrible.
They'll sell them to anybody
that can reach the counter.
That is a lie.
A Food Circus employee.
Your name, her views.
Naomi Harper, Ten items or less.
I think that this store
has a right to sell
whatever it wants to.
Is this America or what?
No decent American
wants to look at that smut!
An impartial party.
Sir, picketing, adult
magazines, his views.
- Are we on TV?
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Bubba, look,
it's me, Uncle Vint.
I'm on TV.
Get out of there, you nitwit!
Mrs. Harper, her final word.
Well, Maggie, I'm just a
poor, helpless widow woman.
A poor grandma who is tryin' to
keep this ruthless supermarket
from sellin' these horrible
magazines to our children.
If I have to, I will do it alone
but, please, isn't there
somebody out there
who will help me make
Raytown a decent place to live?
Give us a break!
Shut up! I'm on TV!
Get out here, girls!
We got media coverage!
You can't shut
me up, Ms. Harper.
I have freedom of speech!
Well, if you're so
fond of your freedom
why don't you find
another place to live?
Mama, you don't mean that.
Who cares?
I don't want that old basement!
Naomi, you don't mean that.
Vinton, butt out!
You don't know what
you're talkin' about.
Picketing... Picketing, conflict
drama, human emotion.
How will it end?
We'll be right back
after these messages.
Well, bless your heart.
Well, we can use all
the support we can get.
I want you to give me that
zip code one more time.
Okay. I got you down.
I'm gonna put you
on our mailing list.
And thank you so
much for callin' M.O.P.
Ladies, I just got a call all
the way from Cedar Rapids.
We have hit the big time.
Imagine. Cedar Rapids.
She saw me on the national news.
It was that "Poor, old
widow" part that got to her.
Just think, our
own Thelma Harper
beamed across
the entire country.
Yeah. Tom Brokaw must have
been hurtin' for news that day.
I'll tell you what, ladies,
we are on our way.
M.O.P. Is gonna bring
Food Circus to its knees.
Mama, where's the peanut butter?
It's not on the shelf
where it always is.
I don't know, Vinton,
maybe it got lonely
and went over to visit
the pork and beans.
Can't you see that
I'm in conference here?
Alright, what will
we confer about?
Well, Thelma, we need
more picketing supplies
a dozen magic markers,
and a gross of corn pads.
Mama.
Mama, I need you in here.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Just table that corn
pad motion till I get back.
Iola, I'm puttin' you in
charge of that phone.
Vinton, this had
better be important.
Well, I should say it is.
You bought the wrong jelly.
Vinton, I am busy.
For all I care, you
can eat petroleum jelly.
Mama, you know my
favorite brand is PV's jelly.
The only place they
sell that is Food Circus
and that's off-limits.
I can't eat this.
It doesn't have all
the little seeds in it.
This boycott has been
difficult on all of us.
We have all had to
make our sacrifices.
If I can do without
my Big Top beer
you can do without your seeds.
Hey, everybody. I'm
de-grounded. Bye.
What? Just a...
Not so fast. Where do
you think you're goin'?
The movies.
It better not be one
of them sexy movies.
No, ma'am, I'm gonna go see
"Night Of The Butcher Zombies."
Ah, ha ha ha.
That sounds fine.
Okay. Bye.
Thelma, come quick.
You got a long-distance
phone call from Hollywood.
- A movie producer.
- Oh!
I wish I had time to
put on my new dress.
Hello?
Yes, this is Thelma Harper.
Oh!
It is Jackie Mann of
Jackie Mann Productions.
Yes. I'm listenin'.
You are kiddin' me.
He wants to do a movie of
the week all about M.O.P.
Hello? Oh, alright.
Okay, I'm waitin'.
He put me on hold.
He just got a phone
call from Tony Orlando.
What ever happened to Dawn?
Okay. Alright.
No, I'll be right here waitin'.
Okay, goodbye.
That was Jackie's
secretary, Sylvia.
He's gonna have to call me back.
Oh, Thelma, two
long-distance calls.
He must mean business.
Skeeter, you won't
believe the good news.
Later, honey. I have
good news of my own.
Mr. Carothers has authorized me
to negotiate with
you boycotters.
So...
Mr. Carothers wants
to negotiate, does he?
Let me just consult
with my fellow M.O.Ps.
This is gonna be
great for the movie.
So...
is Mr. Carothers gonna take
them "Casanova" magazines
off the shelves?
No, not exactly, but what we...
That's it.
Negotiations are over.
Oh, come on, mama.
Negotiate means
to give and take.
You're gonna
have to give a little.
That's right, Ms. Harper.
Now, don't be hard-headed.
If negotiate means that she
is gonna get to call me names
then I am just
gonna go upstairs.
Uh, Thelma, may we confer?
This is no time to be stubborn.
She's right, it won't
be good for the film.
Say no more.
So...
Naomi, what are you offerin'?
Mr. Carothers says that
we will move the magazines
to a rack high up where
only adults can see 'em.
That sounds fair.
Horse puckey, if you're
gonna carry them magazines
put 'em in the stockroom
where nobody can look at 'em.
She's got a point.
We couldn't do that.
Every time somebody wanted one
I'd have to close my drawer,
go to the stockroom and get it,
traipse all the way back to
my station, unlock my drawer,
count the cash,
and then sell it?
It's true.
Sounds like too much trouble
to even carry that
"Casanova", isn't it?
Alright, this is
Mr. Carothers' bottom line.
We will put the magazines
behind the check stand.
That way, anyone who
wanted one would have to ask
and they would be
out of sight of children.
What about the box boys?
We'll cover
everything but the title.
Alright, Naomi, you
got yourself a deal.
Oh!
Wow, that was just
like a power struggle
between Krystle and Alexis.
I'm gonna go tell
Mr. Carothers the good news.
I'll go with you, Skeeter.
I wanna pick up some PV's jelly.
Grab me a case of that Big
Top beer while you're at it.
Thelma, we did it. M.O.P.
cleaned up Food Circus.
Thank goodness, now M.O.P.
can clean up my living room.
Let's clear this junk out
of here so I can live again.
M.O.P.
Yes, this is Thelma Harper.
Oh, hello, Sylvia!
It's Jackie Mann Productions.
Okay, go ahead. Put him on.
Yo, Jackie.
Thelma here.
Yea... Now, listen up, Jackie
if I agree to let
you do my story
I expect to be portrayed
honestly and truthfully
just as I really am.
Yes, just exactly who did you
have in mind to play my part?
Oh, yes!
I think Loni Anderson
would be perfect!