Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 14 - Desperately Seeking Anyone - full transcript
The Harpers are tired of Iola's constant presence and wish she had someone else to spend time with, so Mama and Naomi enroll her in a matchmaking service. But the match date has eyes for someone other than Iola.
I love you, baby.
Okay, everybody,
here comes dinner.
Dinner? Are you sure?
Yes. Gary Collins made this
today on "Hour Magazine."
- It's a feta cheese souffle.
- Oh!
But this is Wednesday night.
We always have meatloaf.
Well, not tonight.
Now, grab your forks.
We gotta serve this
thing while it's still hot.
Are we supposed to
eat it or slam dunk it?
Knock, knock! Hello, everybody.
Don't bother to
get up. It's only me.
- Hi, Vint.
- Evenin', Iola.
Iola, we're just
sittin' down to dinner.
Oh, the Gary Collins souffle.
Now don't mind me.
You go right ahead.
I came to tell you what
happened to me on the bus today.
Every woman in the
neighborhood should be warned.
What happened?
I took the bus for Kemper's Drug
to get mother her itch cream.
Do you know Kemper's
is the only store
that still carries "Scratch
no more, my lady?"
Does this story have a point?
I had no sooner taken
my seat on the bus
when this suspicious-lookin' man
in a powder blue
leisure suit got on.
- I'll try some of that souffle.
- Well, fine!
Now, get back to the
creep in the leisure suit.
There were plenty of
empty seats on the bus
but he chose to sit
down right next to me.
He then proceeded
to open his magazine
to a very suggestive
advertisement
for ladies' swimwear.
Well, he made his point.
His thumbprint was
all over that bathin' suit.
I have never been so scared.
I got off that bus,
ran all the way home.
Poor mother had to
make do with cornstarch.
Is that the whole story?
Yes. Have you ever?
You mean to tell, you let
your mother scratch herself silly
over some guy readin'
a magazine on a bus?
Well, you wouldn't scoff
if you had been there.
My, this goat cheese is pungent.
- Goat cheese?
- Good night, Iola!
Grandma, what
are you feedin' us?
You see, that's what happens
when you break tradition.
Come on, Bubba, let's go get
some peanut butter and jelly.
Well, thank you, Iola Boylen
for makin' my meal
a howlin' success!
I only came over here
because I'm concerned
about your well-being.
If your dinner is ruined, you
blame Gary Collins, not me.
That woman is such a pest.
She's over here day and night.
She's always makin'
goo-goo eyes at my husband.
I wish she'd find
a man of her own.
- That's it!
- What's it?
If Iola had a man
to keep her occupied
she wouldn't be comin'
over here all the time.
Yeah, but how is Iola gonna
find a man, Ms. Harper?
She can't even sit
next to one on a bus.
I can find her a man.
You're lookin' at a woman
who can make goat cheese rise.
Roselle? This is Thelma.
Well, I'm fine, thank you.
Listen, Roselle, I
was so sorry to hear
that your boy Harlan and
his wife Yvonne had split up.
Isn't that the truth?
Well, listen, I hear
he's moved in with you.
Well, you must
be enjoyin' him so.
I know havin' Vinton here
with me is just heaven on earth.
Well, has Harlan
started to date again yet?
Well, you know what they
say about fallin' off the horse.
No, no, I wasn't
referrin' to Yvonne.
No, what I meant was I
have found him the perfect girl.
Yes. She's sweet and
kind, makes her own clothes.
It's Iola Boylen.
Hello?
Hello? Roselle!
Well, as if that tub of lard
Harlan is some great catch!
- Any luck?
- Yeah, all of it bad.
Oh, well, never mind.
I think I've got the
answer right here.
- "Raytown Singles?"
- Yeah.
This is a wonderful way
for single people to meet.
This whole paper is
full of personal ads.
"D.M. into NBA, NFL
"seeks S.F. who digs F.M., MTV."
What the H-E-L-L
are they talkin' about?
It's simple, Ms. Harper.
That means, a
divorced male, sports fan
who wants to meet a single
female, rock music lover.
Well, I can't advertise Iola
like she's a white
sale at Penney's.
Well, fine. Have it your way.
I'll just go ahead
and set Iola's usual
place for dinner.
Okay, how do you
want to word this sucker?
Let's just write it out.
We'll think up
the initials later.
Alright. Single female...
loyal, trustworthy,
and friendly...
Ms. Harper, these
guys want a date
not a golden retriever.
We're gonna have to give
Iola a little more pizazz.
You mean, we're gonna lie?
No, we're just gonna
stretch the truth a little.
Now, let me think.
Sexy, Joan Collins look-alike!
Well, good lord.
That truth's got more stretch
than my control-top pantyhose.
Say, Uncle Vint...
you've been around
a little bit, haven't you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you might say
I'm a man of the world.
Why do you ask?
Well, there's this girl
that I like at school.
Melanie Noble and I
was just wonderin'...
how's a guy supposed to
tell if a girl likes him back?
Well, that's a
tricky one, Bubba.
You see, a girl won't just
come right out and say it.
It's all in the body language.
You remember, the other
night on "Wild Kingdom"
when they showed
the... the mating dance
of the prairie chicken?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's sort of like that.
You mean she hops around
and her neck swells up?
No, of course not.
A girl is a lot more subtle
than a prairie chicken.
But the look in their eyes
is exactly the same.
Whoa!
Hi, boys. What are you up to?
Oh, hi, Iola. Just
pitchin' cards.
Oh, really? What's the score?
You don't keep score.
Then how do you
know who's winnin'?
Oh, you don't. Nobody wins.
Then what's the point?
Bubba, pick up those cards.
You're just wastin' your time.
Iola, I thought I heard
your voice out here.
Boy, have we got
wonderful news for you.
Did they apprehend that
maniac in the leisure suit?
No, silly. We're fixin'
to get you a date.
- A what?
- You know, a date.
A man comes over, he
picks you up and you go out.
W-where? H-here? A m-man here?
Thelma, how could you? A da...
Naomi! Oh, my lord!
Who is he?
Well, you won't know until
you read all the responses
to your personal ad
in the Raytown Singles.
- What ad?
- This one.
"Old-fashioned
girl of your dreams
"seeks well-bred
gentleman caller...
"for fun and games."
I put in the "Fun
and games" part.
Are you out of your
collective minds?
Well, Iola, it sounds
like a good idea to me.
I think it sounds just horrible.
Well, come on, Iola.
Don't you want a nice man
who's gonna take you
to fancy restaurants
and... buy you
expensive presents and...
I already have one, my daddy.
- You can forget about it.
- Well, it's too late.
We've already phoned the ad
in. It'll be in tomorrow's paper.
So, you're goin' on a date
whether you want to or not.
Oh!
Well, all in all I'd say,
she took it pretty well.
Okay, now, when Vinton
and Bubba get back
with all those
stacks of mail for Iola
we're just gonna divvy
them up four ways.
Oh, good thinkin', Naomi.
- We're back.
- Oh, hi, baby.
Did you leave all
the mail in the truck?
No, we got it. Here you go.
- This is it?
- Yeah, that's all there was.
Three letters and a postcard.
Well, what in the world
has happened to romance?
Right, let's each just
take one of these suckers
and see if we can separate
the wheat from the chaff.
Go ahead, Vinton. You're first.
Oh, look...
there's Pinocchio
and Jiminy Cricket
ridin' the teacups.
Look at the picture later,
Vinton. Just read the card.
"I hope you don't mind me
writing to you on a postcard,
"but I had a few extra ones
left from my trip to Disney World.
"It was a real neat trip
and I went on all the rides.
"I drove there in
only eight hours.
"There wasn't much traffic.
"I stopped for lunch at..."
Well, that's all there
is. He ran out of room.
And here I am, dyin' to know
where he stopped for lunch.
That sucker's got
chaff written all over it.
Alright, Bubba, go ahead.
"Hi there.
"I'm a devil-may-care,
semi-ambulatory
"85 year old funster.
"I'm into eating,
sleeping, and watching TV.
I'd like to take you home..."
Chaff!
Alright, go ahead, Naomi.
"Hey, babe. Want
to play dress-up?"
Oh, well, this sounds promising.
"You could be Little
Red Riding Hood
"and I could be the Big Bad Wolf
"hidin' under the covers..."
Give me that damn letter!
Good lord, he even
sent fabric swatches.
Well, mama, it looks like
your letter is Iola's last chance.
"Dear Box Number 57
"your ad was a
breath of fresh air.
"I'd really like to meet you.
"I'm a lively widower who's
ready to paint the town red
"with an old-fashioned
girl like you."
- Bingo!
- Alright.
Knock, knock.
We found him!
- Iola, we found him.
- Who?
Mr. Right! "Ralph A. Washburn."
Look at that letterhead. It's
embossed and everything.
Well, I'm sure he's
very nice, Thelma.
But I'm afraid I will never know
the pleasure of his company.
Why on earth not?
When mother found out you
were gettin' me a mail-order date
she hit the ceilin'.
She's forbidden me to go.
I'm grounded.
Well, for cryin' out loud, Iola
you're a grown woman.
You can do as you please.
Thelma, are you
sayin' I should defy her?
That I should go against
a mother's wishes?
Well, no, no, of course not.
If she doesn't want you
to date then you shouldn't.
That's what I thought.
If you were to drop
by here one evenin'
and Ralphie happened
to be here that time
I wouldn't call that
a date, would you?
- I wouldn't.
- Me neither.
- No siree.
- Well, I guess not.
Then that settles it.
Nobody is gonna
have a date over here
Friday night at 7:00 p.m. sharp.
Oh, Thelma, thank you!
Iola, I got a feelin'
this is gonna be
the best time you never had.
Hey, we better get
goin'. It's nearly 7 o'clock.
Yeah, those lanes go
fast on a Friday night.
Come on, gals! We're waitin'!
- Alright!
- Alright, we're comin'.
- Iola isn't here yet?
- No.
I don't know what's keepin'
her. Her date's due any minute.
Well, she's probably
home primpin'...
back combin' and
makin' herself gorgeous.
Knock, knock.
Well, there goes that theory.
Thelma, do I look alright?
Well, yeah, you
look real nice, hon.
Isn't this your Easter outfit?
Uh-huh. It's not
too flashy, is it?
No, don't worry, Iola.
No one's gonna
confuse you with Cher.
Iola, do you think your
mother is onto our little scam?
I hope not. I told
her I was goin'
to St. Ray's to play bingo.
All dressed up like that?
I told her it was super bingo.
Let's go, you guys. Come on!
Alright, Iola, I put on
a fresh pot of coffee
and the pecan tassies are
coolin' on the drain board.
Thelma, where are you goin'?
Well, I'm either goin' to bowl
or to load the cannon on
the Courthouse Square.
You can't leave me alone in
your house with a strange man.
- Bye-bye!
- So long!
- Good luck!
- Have a ball.
But Thelma, you can't
leave me unchaperoned.
What if he turns out
the lover-boy type?
You can thank me later.
Please don't go.
Iola, it is free
shoe-rental night.
Thelma, I'm askin'
you as a friend.
Oh, alright.
God bless you,
Thelma. You're a saint.
Come on, mama!
Just go on ahead without me.
I'm gonna stay and keep
an eye on Lolita here.
But it's free shoe-rental night.
Don't remind me!
I just can't thank you enough.
I don't know what gets into me.
The thought of being
alone with a man
makes me wanna
jump out of my skin.
That's just nature's way, Iola.
Didn't you ever see that
special about the prairie chicken?
I can't go through with
this. I'm goin' home.
Stop!
Sit!
Good girl.
Now, Iola, I have a feelin'
that tonight is gonna be a
very special night for you.
You're gonna have
a wonderful time
if you just relax a little bit.
- You really think so?
- I know so.
Alright, there he is.
- Are you relaxed?
- Yes!
Okay, I'm gonna
go let him in now.
Hello. I'm Ralph Washburn.
Well, how do you do?
I'm Thelma Harper.
Pleased to meet to. Come on
in. Meet your date, Iola Boylen.
Where the hell did she go?
Alright, let's put the
magazines down.
You're not waitin'
for the doctor.
Scoot on over there. Go on.
So, how you two
gettin' along so far?
Oh, just fine.
I made some fresh pecan tassies.
Oh, thank you, Thelma.
They look delicious.
Of course, Iola is a much
better cook than I am.
When she makes ambrosia
cake, she sifts that flour five times.
Isn't that right, Iola?
Yes.
Oh, you don't say?
And she is the
life of the party.
She keeps us all in stitches.
- She does?
- Oh, I should say so.
You should have seen her
at last year's church picnic.
You remember that?
Of course, you do!
Iola was teamed with Jim
Masters in the three legged race.
Well, the two of
them, I tell you.
I'd like to have died. They
looked like the number ten.
Halfway through the
race, Iola fell down.
Big Jim must have dragged
her 50 feet through the mud.
I thought I would die.
She looked like somebody
used her to clean out the chimney.
Gee, Iola, you sound
like a barrel of laughs.
Wait till she gets goin'.
She's gonna have
you rollin' on the floor.
I'm gonna leave you alone
now. I got to do the dishes.
You two behave now.
- Sugar?
- What?
I asked if you'd like
some sugar for your coffee.
No.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
No.
Do you, uh, have
any special interests
hobbies, readin', sports?
No.
Say, what this party needs,
I think, is a little music.
You know, my late wife, Dina,
and I used to love to dance.
Hey, there's no better
way of breakin' the ice.
- Shall we, Iola?
- What?
Dance? Yes. No!
Maybe. Excuse me!
Oh! Where's Iola?
Oh, she's, uh, powderin'
her nose, I think.
Well, that was a terrific idea
to put the radio on, Ralphie.
There is nothin' like a
tango to break the ice.
Yeah, if you like to dance.
Say, Thelma, I
couldn't help noticin'...
you're pretty
light on your feet.
Well, they tell me, in
my day, I could cut a rug.
I bet you still can.
Well, boy, can you lead.
I haven't danced
like this in years.
You know, Thelma, you
remind me of my late wife, Dina.
You're built just like her.
There's nothin' I like better
than gettin' my arms
around a full-figured gal.
Well, that's real nice, Ralphie.
You better check
on what Iola's doin'.
Come on, Thelma. Don't fight it.
You and I are
meant for each other.
- Kiss me, you red-hot mama!
- What?
Oh, excuse me. I
didn't mean to interrupt.
You get your hands off
me, you geriatric gigolo!
Oh, boy!
A wildcat! Dina
was a spitfire too.
You're gonna be
dancin' with Dina
if you don't get the hell
out of my kitchen. Now!
Okay, okay, but, Thelma...
remember, if you ever
get lonely some night
P.O. box 43 is always open.
Remember that number.
Yeah, I got your number, you...
Oh, Iola!
Thank goodness,
you are still here.
Oh, don't speak to
me, you man-stealer!
Well, now, just a minute!
I can explain everything!
Well, it's all perfectly clear.
You just used me to lure him
over here and then you pounced.
You Jezebel!
It was not me doin' the
pouncin', it was Ralph!
Oh, sure. After you plied him
with pecan tassies and caffeine
and enticed him
into the kitchen.
The poor man didn't
stand a chance.
Oh, get a grip
on yourself, Iola!
That man was scum!
He was all over me.
If you'd have given him the time
he'd have been all over you too.
Really?
Well, of course!
Why did I let Naomi talk me
into all this personal-ad business?
- It is just a bunk!
- You're quite right.
It's humiliatin' and degradin'.
Worse than that,
it doesn't work.
Nothin' but creeps
read them papers.
You know where the real
men are on a Friday night?
- Where?
- Bowlin'.
What say, you and me go?
The shoe rental's free.
Why not?
There's nothin'
like a bowlin' alley
to find decent, American men.
That's right, and if we hurry
you can catch them
while they're still sober.
Okay, everybody,
here comes dinner.
Dinner? Are you sure?
Yes. Gary Collins made this
today on "Hour Magazine."
- It's a feta cheese souffle.
- Oh!
But this is Wednesday night.
We always have meatloaf.
Well, not tonight.
Now, grab your forks.
We gotta serve this
thing while it's still hot.
Are we supposed to
eat it or slam dunk it?
Knock, knock! Hello, everybody.
Don't bother to
get up. It's only me.
- Hi, Vint.
- Evenin', Iola.
Iola, we're just
sittin' down to dinner.
Oh, the Gary Collins souffle.
Now don't mind me.
You go right ahead.
I came to tell you what
happened to me on the bus today.
Every woman in the
neighborhood should be warned.
What happened?
I took the bus for Kemper's Drug
to get mother her itch cream.
Do you know Kemper's
is the only store
that still carries "Scratch
no more, my lady?"
Does this story have a point?
I had no sooner taken
my seat on the bus
when this suspicious-lookin' man
in a powder blue
leisure suit got on.
- I'll try some of that souffle.
- Well, fine!
Now, get back to the
creep in the leisure suit.
There were plenty of
empty seats on the bus
but he chose to sit
down right next to me.
He then proceeded
to open his magazine
to a very suggestive
advertisement
for ladies' swimwear.
Well, he made his point.
His thumbprint was
all over that bathin' suit.
I have never been so scared.
I got off that bus,
ran all the way home.
Poor mother had to
make do with cornstarch.
Is that the whole story?
Yes. Have you ever?
You mean to tell, you let
your mother scratch herself silly
over some guy readin'
a magazine on a bus?
Well, you wouldn't scoff
if you had been there.
My, this goat cheese is pungent.
- Goat cheese?
- Good night, Iola!
Grandma, what
are you feedin' us?
You see, that's what happens
when you break tradition.
Come on, Bubba, let's go get
some peanut butter and jelly.
Well, thank you, Iola Boylen
for makin' my meal
a howlin' success!
I only came over here
because I'm concerned
about your well-being.
If your dinner is ruined, you
blame Gary Collins, not me.
That woman is such a pest.
She's over here day and night.
She's always makin'
goo-goo eyes at my husband.
I wish she'd find
a man of her own.
- That's it!
- What's it?
If Iola had a man
to keep her occupied
she wouldn't be comin'
over here all the time.
Yeah, but how is Iola gonna
find a man, Ms. Harper?
She can't even sit
next to one on a bus.
I can find her a man.
You're lookin' at a woman
who can make goat cheese rise.
Roselle? This is Thelma.
Well, I'm fine, thank you.
Listen, Roselle, I
was so sorry to hear
that your boy Harlan and
his wife Yvonne had split up.
Isn't that the truth?
Well, listen, I hear
he's moved in with you.
Well, you must
be enjoyin' him so.
I know havin' Vinton here
with me is just heaven on earth.
Well, has Harlan
started to date again yet?
Well, you know what they
say about fallin' off the horse.
No, no, I wasn't
referrin' to Yvonne.
No, what I meant was I
have found him the perfect girl.
Yes. She's sweet and
kind, makes her own clothes.
It's Iola Boylen.
Hello?
Hello? Roselle!
Well, as if that tub of lard
Harlan is some great catch!
- Any luck?
- Yeah, all of it bad.
Oh, well, never mind.
I think I've got the
answer right here.
- "Raytown Singles?"
- Yeah.
This is a wonderful way
for single people to meet.
This whole paper is
full of personal ads.
"D.M. into NBA, NFL
"seeks S.F. who digs F.M., MTV."
What the H-E-L-L
are they talkin' about?
It's simple, Ms. Harper.
That means, a
divorced male, sports fan
who wants to meet a single
female, rock music lover.
Well, I can't advertise Iola
like she's a white
sale at Penney's.
Well, fine. Have it your way.
I'll just go ahead
and set Iola's usual
place for dinner.
Okay, how do you
want to word this sucker?
Let's just write it out.
We'll think up
the initials later.
Alright. Single female...
loyal, trustworthy,
and friendly...
Ms. Harper, these
guys want a date
not a golden retriever.
We're gonna have to give
Iola a little more pizazz.
You mean, we're gonna lie?
No, we're just gonna
stretch the truth a little.
Now, let me think.
Sexy, Joan Collins look-alike!
Well, good lord.
That truth's got more stretch
than my control-top pantyhose.
Say, Uncle Vint...
you've been around
a little bit, haven't you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you might say
I'm a man of the world.
Why do you ask?
Well, there's this girl
that I like at school.
Melanie Noble and I
was just wonderin'...
how's a guy supposed to
tell if a girl likes him back?
Well, that's a
tricky one, Bubba.
You see, a girl won't just
come right out and say it.
It's all in the body language.
You remember, the other
night on "Wild Kingdom"
when they showed
the... the mating dance
of the prairie chicken?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's sort of like that.
You mean she hops around
and her neck swells up?
No, of course not.
A girl is a lot more subtle
than a prairie chicken.
But the look in their eyes
is exactly the same.
Whoa!
Hi, boys. What are you up to?
Oh, hi, Iola. Just
pitchin' cards.
Oh, really? What's the score?
You don't keep score.
Then how do you
know who's winnin'?
Oh, you don't. Nobody wins.
Then what's the point?
Bubba, pick up those cards.
You're just wastin' your time.
Iola, I thought I heard
your voice out here.
Boy, have we got
wonderful news for you.
Did they apprehend that
maniac in the leisure suit?
No, silly. We're fixin'
to get you a date.
- A what?
- You know, a date.
A man comes over, he
picks you up and you go out.
W-where? H-here? A m-man here?
Thelma, how could you? A da...
Naomi! Oh, my lord!
Who is he?
Well, you won't know until
you read all the responses
to your personal ad
in the Raytown Singles.
- What ad?
- This one.
"Old-fashioned
girl of your dreams
"seeks well-bred
gentleman caller...
"for fun and games."
I put in the "Fun
and games" part.
Are you out of your
collective minds?
Well, Iola, it sounds
like a good idea to me.
I think it sounds just horrible.
Well, come on, Iola.
Don't you want a nice man
who's gonna take you
to fancy restaurants
and... buy you
expensive presents and...
I already have one, my daddy.
- You can forget about it.
- Well, it's too late.
We've already phoned the ad
in. It'll be in tomorrow's paper.
So, you're goin' on a date
whether you want to or not.
Oh!
Well, all in all I'd say,
she took it pretty well.
Okay, now, when Vinton
and Bubba get back
with all those
stacks of mail for Iola
we're just gonna divvy
them up four ways.
Oh, good thinkin', Naomi.
- We're back.
- Oh, hi, baby.
Did you leave all
the mail in the truck?
No, we got it. Here you go.
- This is it?
- Yeah, that's all there was.
Three letters and a postcard.
Well, what in the world
has happened to romance?
Right, let's each just
take one of these suckers
and see if we can separate
the wheat from the chaff.
Go ahead, Vinton. You're first.
Oh, look...
there's Pinocchio
and Jiminy Cricket
ridin' the teacups.
Look at the picture later,
Vinton. Just read the card.
"I hope you don't mind me
writing to you on a postcard,
"but I had a few extra ones
left from my trip to Disney World.
"It was a real neat trip
and I went on all the rides.
"I drove there in
only eight hours.
"There wasn't much traffic.
"I stopped for lunch at..."
Well, that's all there
is. He ran out of room.
And here I am, dyin' to know
where he stopped for lunch.
That sucker's got
chaff written all over it.
Alright, Bubba, go ahead.
"Hi there.
"I'm a devil-may-care,
semi-ambulatory
"85 year old funster.
"I'm into eating,
sleeping, and watching TV.
I'd like to take you home..."
Chaff!
Alright, go ahead, Naomi.
"Hey, babe. Want
to play dress-up?"
Oh, well, this sounds promising.
"You could be Little
Red Riding Hood
"and I could be the Big Bad Wolf
"hidin' under the covers..."
Give me that damn letter!
Good lord, he even
sent fabric swatches.
Well, mama, it looks like
your letter is Iola's last chance.
"Dear Box Number 57
"your ad was a
breath of fresh air.
"I'd really like to meet you.
"I'm a lively widower who's
ready to paint the town red
"with an old-fashioned
girl like you."
- Bingo!
- Alright.
Knock, knock.
We found him!
- Iola, we found him.
- Who?
Mr. Right! "Ralph A. Washburn."
Look at that letterhead. It's
embossed and everything.
Well, I'm sure he's
very nice, Thelma.
But I'm afraid I will never know
the pleasure of his company.
Why on earth not?
When mother found out you
were gettin' me a mail-order date
she hit the ceilin'.
She's forbidden me to go.
I'm grounded.
Well, for cryin' out loud, Iola
you're a grown woman.
You can do as you please.
Thelma, are you
sayin' I should defy her?
That I should go against
a mother's wishes?
Well, no, no, of course not.
If she doesn't want you
to date then you shouldn't.
That's what I thought.
If you were to drop
by here one evenin'
and Ralphie happened
to be here that time
I wouldn't call that
a date, would you?
- I wouldn't.
- Me neither.
- No siree.
- Well, I guess not.
Then that settles it.
Nobody is gonna
have a date over here
Friday night at 7:00 p.m. sharp.
Oh, Thelma, thank you!
Iola, I got a feelin'
this is gonna be
the best time you never had.
Hey, we better get
goin'. It's nearly 7 o'clock.
Yeah, those lanes go
fast on a Friday night.
Come on, gals! We're waitin'!
- Alright!
- Alright, we're comin'.
- Iola isn't here yet?
- No.
I don't know what's keepin'
her. Her date's due any minute.
Well, she's probably
home primpin'...
back combin' and
makin' herself gorgeous.
Knock, knock.
Well, there goes that theory.
Thelma, do I look alright?
Well, yeah, you
look real nice, hon.
Isn't this your Easter outfit?
Uh-huh. It's not
too flashy, is it?
No, don't worry, Iola.
No one's gonna
confuse you with Cher.
Iola, do you think your
mother is onto our little scam?
I hope not. I told
her I was goin'
to St. Ray's to play bingo.
All dressed up like that?
I told her it was super bingo.
Let's go, you guys. Come on!
Alright, Iola, I put on
a fresh pot of coffee
and the pecan tassies are
coolin' on the drain board.
Thelma, where are you goin'?
Well, I'm either goin' to bowl
or to load the cannon on
the Courthouse Square.
You can't leave me alone in
your house with a strange man.
- Bye-bye!
- So long!
- Good luck!
- Have a ball.
But Thelma, you can't
leave me unchaperoned.
What if he turns out
the lover-boy type?
You can thank me later.
Please don't go.
Iola, it is free
shoe-rental night.
Thelma, I'm askin'
you as a friend.
Oh, alright.
God bless you,
Thelma. You're a saint.
Come on, mama!
Just go on ahead without me.
I'm gonna stay and keep
an eye on Lolita here.
But it's free shoe-rental night.
Don't remind me!
I just can't thank you enough.
I don't know what gets into me.
The thought of being
alone with a man
makes me wanna
jump out of my skin.
That's just nature's way, Iola.
Didn't you ever see that
special about the prairie chicken?
I can't go through with
this. I'm goin' home.
Stop!
Sit!
Good girl.
Now, Iola, I have a feelin'
that tonight is gonna be a
very special night for you.
You're gonna have
a wonderful time
if you just relax a little bit.
- You really think so?
- I know so.
Alright, there he is.
- Are you relaxed?
- Yes!
Okay, I'm gonna
go let him in now.
Hello. I'm Ralph Washburn.
Well, how do you do?
I'm Thelma Harper.
Pleased to meet to. Come on
in. Meet your date, Iola Boylen.
Where the hell did she go?
Alright, let's put the
magazines down.
You're not waitin'
for the doctor.
Scoot on over there. Go on.
So, how you two
gettin' along so far?
Oh, just fine.
I made some fresh pecan tassies.
Oh, thank you, Thelma.
They look delicious.
Of course, Iola is a much
better cook than I am.
When she makes ambrosia
cake, she sifts that flour five times.
Isn't that right, Iola?
Yes.
Oh, you don't say?
And she is the
life of the party.
She keeps us all in stitches.
- She does?
- Oh, I should say so.
You should have seen her
at last year's church picnic.
You remember that?
Of course, you do!
Iola was teamed with Jim
Masters in the three legged race.
Well, the two of
them, I tell you.
I'd like to have died. They
looked like the number ten.
Halfway through the
race, Iola fell down.
Big Jim must have dragged
her 50 feet through the mud.
I thought I would die.
She looked like somebody
used her to clean out the chimney.
Gee, Iola, you sound
like a barrel of laughs.
Wait till she gets goin'.
She's gonna have
you rollin' on the floor.
I'm gonna leave you alone
now. I got to do the dishes.
You two behave now.
- Sugar?
- What?
I asked if you'd like
some sugar for your coffee.
No.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
No.
Do you, uh, have
any special interests
hobbies, readin', sports?
No.
Say, what this party needs,
I think, is a little music.
You know, my late wife, Dina,
and I used to love to dance.
Hey, there's no better
way of breakin' the ice.
- Shall we, Iola?
- What?
Dance? Yes. No!
Maybe. Excuse me!
Oh! Where's Iola?
Oh, she's, uh, powderin'
her nose, I think.
Well, that was a terrific idea
to put the radio on, Ralphie.
There is nothin' like a
tango to break the ice.
Yeah, if you like to dance.
Say, Thelma, I
couldn't help noticin'...
you're pretty
light on your feet.
Well, they tell me, in
my day, I could cut a rug.
I bet you still can.
Well, boy, can you lead.
I haven't danced
like this in years.
You know, Thelma, you
remind me of my late wife, Dina.
You're built just like her.
There's nothin' I like better
than gettin' my arms
around a full-figured gal.
Well, that's real nice, Ralphie.
You better check
on what Iola's doin'.
Come on, Thelma. Don't fight it.
You and I are
meant for each other.
- Kiss me, you red-hot mama!
- What?
Oh, excuse me. I
didn't mean to interrupt.
You get your hands off
me, you geriatric gigolo!
Oh, boy!
A wildcat! Dina
was a spitfire too.
You're gonna be
dancin' with Dina
if you don't get the hell
out of my kitchen. Now!
Okay, okay, but, Thelma...
remember, if you ever
get lonely some night
P.O. box 43 is always open.
Remember that number.
Yeah, I got your number, you...
Oh, Iola!
Thank goodness,
you are still here.
Oh, don't speak to
me, you man-stealer!
Well, now, just a minute!
I can explain everything!
Well, it's all perfectly clear.
You just used me to lure him
over here and then you pounced.
You Jezebel!
It was not me doin' the
pouncin', it was Ralph!
Oh, sure. After you plied him
with pecan tassies and caffeine
and enticed him
into the kitchen.
The poor man didn't
stand a chance.
Oh, get a grip
on yourself, Iola!
That man was scum!
He was all over me.
If you'd have given him the time
he'd have been all over you too.
Really?
Well, of course!
Why did I let Naomi talk me
into all this personal-ad business?
- It is just a bunk!
- You're quite right.
It's humiliatin' and degradin'.
Worse than that,
it doesn't work.
Nothin' but creeps
read them papers.
You know where the real
men are on a Friday night?
- Where?
- Bowlin'.
What say, you and me go?
The shoe rental's free.
Why not?
There's nothin'
like a bowlin' alley
to find decent, American men.
That's right, and if we hurry
you can catch them
while they're still sober.