Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 10 - Steal One Pearl Two - full transcript

Grandma, why don't you
let me clear the table for you?

Well, Bubba, Good
Lord! I feel like I've died

and gone to heaven.

Of course, some people won't
ever know what that feels like.

Now, mama, you don't have
to go to church to go to heaven.

Don't have to wear a parachute
to jump out of a plane neither

but it helps.

Ms. Harper, Sunday
is our only day off.

Even the Bible says you
should take one day a rest.

Yeah, but the Bible doesn't say

you're supposed to
spend it in your nightie.



Grandma, I want to thank you
for taking me to church today.

The grape juice was real good.

I'm real glad you
enjoyed it, Bubba

but next time don't
ask for seconds.

See, mama, you got Bubba
to go to church with you.

What are you complaining about?

I would like for my
whole family to be there

taking up an entire pew.

This morning, we got stuck
next to Iola and her folks

on the hearing aid row.

Ms. Harper, the last thing
I wanna do on my day off

is spend more time with Iola.

She traipses over
here enough as it is.

Well, who can blame
her, the poor thing?



Trapped over there in that
house with that hateful old mother

that tries to run her life?

You two don't know
how lucky you are.

No need to get dishpan
hands, grandma.

I'll do 'em for ya.

Well, Bubba, I can't get
over the change in you.

Going to church,
doin' the dishes...

what do you want?

I just wanna be the best
grandson I know how.

Boy, this must be something big.

No. It's just this...

set of drums I saw
down at Ray's pawn shop.

Only 200 bucks.

A set of drums! Not
in my house, kiddo.

But, grandma, I've got music
pulsing through my veins.

Well, you can just let
it pulsate on the piano.

Drums ain't even an instrument.

But, grandma!

I've gotta have those drums.

Me and Dwayne and T-Boy
are formin' a power trio.

You know, Bubba, I was in a
trio when I was in high school.

We called ourselves
The Raytown Five.

Sweetheart, a
trio is only three.

Well, I know that. We
were lookin' to expand.

So, how about it, grandma?

Bubba, why don't you
make like a drum and beat it?

I bet ZZ Top doesn't
do the dishes.

Good Lord!

National Geographic ought
to do a special on you two.

"The Lounging Habits Of The
North American Couch Potatoes."

- Knock, knock.
- 'Morning, Iola.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Nothing but our lives.

Well, silly me, I've
done the dumbest thing.

I've lost the key to my
jewelry box. I can't get it open.

So, naturally, I
thought of you, Vint.

Bein' a locksmith and all.

Naturally.

So, do you think you
could help me, Vint?

Sure, no problem.

Vinton charges time and
a half on Sundays, Iola.

- Plus mileage.
- Not for neighbors, Skeeter.

I'll go get my tool.

I tell ya, I just want men
to wear good jewelry.

I'm a nervous wreck until I
get my pearls back in the box.

Let me see them pearls.

I was admiring them
all through church.

- Yeah, they are awful pretty.
- Thank you.

They were mother's,
but she can't wear 'em

since she put
on all that weight.

I was noticing she
was having a hard time

squeezing into that
pew this morning.

Well, like we say
down at Kwik Keys

"When it comes to locks,
the only people better than us

are in prison."

Vint, you're so humorous.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, gosh! Look at this.

This thing's Austrian.

Them Australian's
really make a mean lock.

Oh, doggone it, I
can't get this lock open.

I'm gonna have to
take it down to the shop.

Can I try, Uncle
Vint? Let's see.

Anybody got a bobby pin?

Bubba, that is a highly
complicated mechanism there.

There you go.

That was the next
thing I was gonna try.

Thank you, Bubba.

I knew juvenile hall would
be good for something.

Well, I better be goin'.

Me and Dwayne and
T-Boy are gonna practice

our rock star moves.

You start wearing an
earring and you're out of here.

Well, what do you all say to
a rousing game of pinochle.

Sound good to
me. I'll get the cards.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, sure. I'll be
glad to tell her.

Bye-bye.

Iola, that was your mama.

You have to go home right away.

Oh, my goodness. Hope she
didn't try get upstairs by herself.

I'm afraid I'll have to take
a rain check on that game.

Oh, darn!

Thank goodness that
old bat called her home.

Don't thank goodness,
Ms. Harper, thank me.

That wasn't her mama, that
was some guy selling magazines.

Naomi Harper, you
lied on the Sabbath?

You'd risk an
entire eternity in hell

just to get outta playin'
cards with that Iola?

You bet I would.

Come to think of it, so would I.

Oh, this Garfield kills me.

The symbolism is so subtle.

Give me the funny papers, honey.
I wanna check out Apartment 3-G.

Knock. knock. Thelma...

did I leave my pearls over here?

No, not that I know of.

Oh, my God! I don't
know what to do.

- I've looked everywhere.
- Now, just calm down.

- When'd you have 'em last?
- In my jewelry box.

They're not there now.
I looked everywhere.

Well, alright. Let's
all have a look.

Well, I don't see them.

There's nothing under the sofa.

Well, Iola, I don't
think they're here.

Oh, my goodness.

- You suppose someone stole 'em?
- Well, that's ridiculous.

You ain't been anywhere, just
who'd you think would steal 'em?

Well, Thelma, those
pearls are very valuable.

They'd be a
temptation to anyone.

Especially, a certain young
man with a criminal record.

You're not thinking of Bubba?

Not another word.

If Bubba stole them pearls,
then I'm a monkey's uncle.

Hey, everybody! Look what I got.

A new set of drums.

Vinton, I feel the
need for a banana.

Isn't this something, grandma?

Here, I wanted a new set
of drums so bad this morning

but you wouldn't pay for 'em

and now I've got 'em, and it
didn't even cost you a dime.

- I'm calling the police.
- Back off, Iola.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation for this.

Yeah. Where'd
you get 'em, Bubba?

I got 'em from this guy.

There, you see.

- And just who is this guy?
- He's a friend of T-Boy's.

He loaned 'em to me
while he's outta town.

Does this friend...

Does this friend have a name?

Uh, Kevin I think. Or Daryl?

Well, I can't remember.

I get those names
confused myself.

And does Kevin or
Daryl have an address

or a telephone number?

Well, gee, I don't know.

We sort of went over
there and picked 'em up.

I can show you the
house if you're interested

but this is his
only set of drums.

I don't want drums,
you little bandit.

I want my pearls.

- Huh?
- Iola has lost her pearls.

Along with her marbles.

You know, Iola

what we got to do
here is to pull back

look at the big picture.

The whole enchilada.

Now, Iola,

you have lost an
expensive pearl necklace?

That is correct.

Uh-huh. I see.

And, Bubba, you have just gotten

an equally expensive
set of drums?

Right.

I have no further questions.

Well, thank you, Perry Mason.

Hey, wait a minute.

You don't think that
I took your pearls?

The evidence speaks for itself.

Alright, that is enough.

I'll not have you
accusing my grandson

of stealin' your pop beads.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Perhaps you're right.

Perhaps Bubba didn't do it.

Perhaps it was you.

I wouldn't be seen dead
in them puny little pellets.

Well, what about Naomi?

What about me?

That clever ruse of a phone call

to get rid of me.

My mother didn't call.

She was soaking in the tub.

You lied and on the Sabbath.

I told you that was gonna
come back to haunt you.

Well, don't look
at me, I'm bonded.

Well, that brings us
full circle back to Bubba.

Bubba with a new set of drums.

Will you knock it off
with those drums?

If Bubba says he
didn't steal your pearls

that's good enough for me.

Get the hell out of my house.

Way to go, grandma.

Don't you grandma me.

What did you do with 'em pearls?

- What?
- Enough with this nonsense.

Where are they?

You said you believe me.

Well, I should've known better.

Nobody in this lousy family
is ever gonna stand up for me.

Well, I'd rather be a thief

than a lousy
two-faced liar like you.

Don't... Don't you ever talk
to me like that, young man.

You come back down here
this minute and apologize to me.

Do you hear me? This minute.

What are you two
goons starring at?

If you'd have gone to church
none of this would've happened.

Oh, honey, you
have to peel the skin

off the edge of that baloney.

Oh, gee, that's
my favorite part.

Let me do it, baby.

You peel the plastic
off the cheese slices.

You want the plastic off?

There won't be anything
in these sandwiches

to sink your teeth into.

Just make sandwiches for three.

Bubba is not coming down?

No, he won't even
answer his door.

Oh, I'm sure he'll get
over it, Ms. Harper.

It's probably just one of
those teenage phases.

Yeah, all kids go
through that stage

where they hate
their grandmother.

Oh, will you shut up.

I'm feeling bad enough as it is.

If he's telling the truth and
I've turned my back on him.

That's a possibility.

But what if he's lying
and Iola was right

and he's playing me?

That's a possibility.

Thanks a lot for the help.

I should've come
to you both sooner.

All I know is that there is
definitely an apology due here.

I'm not gonna sleep till then.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and tell him I'm sorry.

Who the hell left the
plastic on the cheese?

Uh-huh.

Bubba's duffel bag is gone
mama. And most of his clothes.

Oh, Lord in heaven.

Why didn't I go right upstairs
and tell him I believed him.

Okay, thanks.

Well, Dwayne and
T-Boy haven't seen him.

Oh, that Dwayne and T-Boy.

One of them would lie

and the other one
would swear to it.

Maybe he didn't go very far.

He didn't take his drums.

What do you expect him to do?

Hitchhike with a
trap set on his back?

No, I'm not.

What do you want, Iola?

I want you to know
that I forgive you

for throwing me out.

And for the thoughtless
things you said to me.

Thanks so much.
Now I can sleep tonight.

I also wanted to tell Bubba

that I've had a change of heart.

I'll give him till tomorrow
morning before I turn him in.

For your information,
Iola, Bubba ain't here.

- Did he make a run for it?
- Oh, Lord.

- Who let you in?
- Where are you goin', mama?

I'm gonna go look for Bubba.

You two stay here
just in case he calls.

Now, Thelma, take
care. He could be armed.

You get it through your
skull once and for all, missy.

Bubba did not steal your pearls.

But whoever took
them did you a favor

'cause all they did
was attract attention to

that pencil neck of yours.

Where to, sonny?

Well, how far can I get on

seven dollars
and thirteen cents?

Well, that ought to
take you across the river

and all the way to Bump.

"Bump." What's in Bump?

Nothing much.

Just a stop sign and a bump.

Well, what time
does the bus leave?

Gus will be making an
announcement shortly.

Thanks.

Testing...

Attention passengers.

The midnight bus to
Bump, Bundy, and Hinkley

will be leavin' at 12:02 am.

Sorry about the delay.

But I still got to
mop the johns.

- Is this seat taken?
- Yeah.

Haven't you heard?
I take everything.

Well, I'm gonna sit down anyway.

My dogs are barking.

How'd you find me, put
out an all-points bulletin?

No, I just figured you'd wind up

in the same place Eunice
did when she ran away.

My mom ran away too?

Oh, Lord, yes.

Eunice was always trying
to run off to the big city.

She never had enough
money to get anywhere.

Except for that time
she went to Bump.

Did she like it there?

Well, there wasn't much to see.

That was before they
put the stop sign in.

Anyway she just ended
up coming back home.

Well, not me.

I ain't living where
people don't believe me.

I don't blame you.

- I know exactly how you feel.
- You do?

Bubba, this same thing happened
to me when I was a little girl.

Back in those days, we lived
way out in the middle of nowhere.

Every morning it
was my job to go

to the chicken coop
and gather all the eggs.

Well, this one morning

I knew there was
something strange going on.

There was more racket
coming out of that hen house.

Sounded like Colonel Sanders
was in there with his bucket.

So I opened up
that door real slow.

And when I walked inside

what do you think I saw?

What?

A big old, wild-eyed, gypsy

with a scarf tied around his
head and a shiny gold tooth.

Did he have a peg leg?

He was a gypsy not a pirate.

Anyway when he stood up

I could see that he had
just wrung Juanita's neck.

Who's Juanita?

My daddy's prize laying hen.

What did you do?

I let out this big yell

and we both took off
running in opposite directions.

By the time I could
get everybody back

he was long gone.

So was Juanita.

That's terrible.

The terrible part is that
everybody thought I was lying.

My mama said I made it up so
I could let the chicken run away.

And daddy sat there
with his head in his arms

crying Juanita, Juanita.

I tried tellin' him about the
gypsy but he wouldn't hear it.

I don't think he
ever did forgive me.

It sure feels rotten when
nobody believes you.

Bubba, I always swore

it would never happen
to anyone that I love.

And that's why I came
down here tonight.

I wanted to let you
know before you leave

that I believe you.

I don't think you
stole Iola's pearls.

Thanks, grandma.

As far as I'm concerned

that wild-eyed,
old gypsy took 'em.

Shoot, they probably look
better on him than they did on Iola.

Grandma, let's go home.

Gus, looks like we won't be

needing that ticket after all.

Yeah? You tell him that
same old Juanita story

you told to Eunice?

And you wonder why
nobody rides your damn bus.

Well, this Sunday certainly
has not been a day of rest.

Tell us about it.

Well, I sure learned my lesson.

From now on I'm going to church.

At least there I can sleep.

- Hey.
- Oh, Ms. Harper, you found him.

- Welcome back home, Bubba.
- Thanks.

Did Bubba happen to
bring anything with him?

Yes, ma'am, he did. He
brought his grandmother.

As long as we're
all here together,

let our little rock star
put on a show for us.

- Good idea.
- Yeah, show us what you can do.

Well, I'll be goin' on home.

Sit back there and
start tapping your foot.

This seat's kinda low.

Uncle Vin, would you toss
me one of them pillows?

Yeah, coming right up.

Here you go.

Oh, wait a minute,
this thing's stuck here.

- Hey! Look at this.
- My pearls.

Honey, they were
stuck on that pillow.

You see? I said there
was a logical explanation.

Iola, can I help you put them
pearls around your neck?

No, I think I'll hold
them in my lap.

Okay, Bubba, let her rip.

Bubba, have you ever
considered the accordion?

Or harmonica?

Oh, Lord, don't you
know any ballads?