Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 1 - Farewell, Frannie - full transcript

[theme music]

[birds chirping]

(Mr. Conroy)
Morning, Miss Harper.

Well, good morning
to you, Mr. Conroy.

I was out walking
Jangles and I...

want you to know just how
sorry me and the missus were

to hear about your sister, Fran.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

She was one of a kind.

I wouldn't know.

She never bothered to
introduce herself to us.



Never even so much
as gave us a nod

as she drove down the street.

[dog barking]

Can you put a leash on that dog?

Jangles, shame, shame.

Say, uh...

just how did Fran die anyway?

It was natural causes.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means keep your mangy
mutt out of my flowers

and your nose
out of my business.

I'm in mourning, damn it!

(Naomi) "Francis
Crowley succumbs.

"Funeral services will
be held at 2:00 p.m. today



"for Francis Marie Crowley

"reporter for The Raytown Bugle

"who died suddenly
last Thursday afternoon

"due to natural causes."

[clicks tongue]

Honey, why won't anybody
explain how Frannie died?

Because mama's the only
one with her when it happened

and she's not sayin'.

Would you look at this silver?

It's got more tarnish
than the Statue of Liberty.

Miss Harper, don't
you think that this family

has a right to know
how Frannie died?

Well, I most certainly do.

- It was natural causes.
- What does that mean?

It means she wasn't murdered
or beamed up by Martians.

Subject closed.

What are we supposed
to say to the relatives

when they ask us what happened?

You do like I plan
to. Choke up and say

- I'd rather not talk about it.
- But why?

Because Frannie would
have wanted it that way.

Just as she would have
wanted Vinton to get off his butt

and start settin'
these chairs up.

And for you to do
somethin' with that hair.

What's the matter with my hair?

It's too big.

You're goin' to a funeral,
not the country music awards.

(Iola) Knock, knock.
Anybody home?

Come on in, Iola.

Easier said than done.

(Vinton) Oh, here.

Thank you, Vint.

You bet.

Well, Iola, you didn't
have to make anything.

That's what neighbors are for.

I knew you wouldn't be
up to cookin' for company.

Somebody had to do it.

Naomi.

Iola.

Ho, don't tell me.
Chicken ole casserole?

- How did you know?
- Hey, that's my favorite.

Lucky guess.

Now, don't you worry, Thelma.

I got casseroles all the
way through to dessert.

Do you think chocolate felicity
cake is to up for the occasion?

It's fine, Iola.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

Say, Iola, I think
the silverware

belongs at the
other end of the line.

I am a home
economics major, Naomi.

I believe I know
how to lay a buffet.

I'll bet that's the only thing.

[phone ringing]

You two, get on
outside and help Iola.

Hello?

Oh, well, thank you
very much, Aunt Lorraine.

Well, I can hardly
believe it myself.

Poor Frannie.

I guess you just never
know when your number's up.

Oh, I'd rather
not talk about it.

Well, when are you and
Uncle Don plannin' on

bein' at the funeral home?

But Uncle Don's a pallbearer.

What do you mean,
the Kiwanis picnic?

Isn't buryin' his niece
a little more important

than bein' an anchor
in a tug of war?

Well, fine. I hope you and
Lardo have a gay old time.

Well, what's the matter, Thelma?

Don and Lorraine can't make it.

No Buzz and Sonja.

No Ed and Eunice.

There's a blessing.

Have you heard from Eunice
since they moved to Florida?

Not a word, guess they
haven't run out of money yet.

Did she and Ed take
Bubba with them?

No, that wasn't possible.

You mean he's still
in reform school?

Well, yes, if you must know.

Vinton, you're
gonna have to take

Uncle Don's place as pallbearer.

Oh, mama, do I have to? Eww!

I've never been that close
to a dead person before.

Oh, Vinton, for cryin' out
loud. The casket's got handles.

I ain't askin' you to give
her a piggyback ride.

But, mama, I... No buts, Vinton.

Everything has got
to be perfect today.

Poor Frannie, she never
did have that one special day

that every woman needs to have.

She never had a
weddin' or a comin' out.

She got sick and she
missed her own graduation.

So I intend to make
this Fran's perfect day.

Too bad she won't
be here to see it.

Funeral or no, this is gonna
be the happiest day of Fran's life.

No, Vint, no, it's
step and sway.

- Step and sway...
- Oh!

I don't think I'm up for
this pallbearer business.

Oh, just don't think
about it, honey.

Think about how nice it's gonna
be when we get to move out

of that basement and
upstairs into Frannie's old room.

Oh, are we gonna have fun?

Will you two put it on ice?

Get your fingers
out of Vinton's hair

and into your own.

I got to remember to call Ellen.

Remind her to bring
over mama's brooch.

It goes so nice
with this collar.

You sure look pretty, mama.

Well, thank you, baby.

This is the same dress
I buried your daddy in.

Gee, I always thought
he was wearin' a suit.

Ellen, Ellen.

Be sure you remember to
bring over mama's brooch.

To the funeral.

Fran's funeral.

Well, of course, it's today.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, I don't care what you got
written on your social calendar.

If you're not at this funeral,
I'll never speak to you again.

Well, good Lord, I'll
have to call you back.

What kind of a jackass
sent balloons to a funeral?

"Eunice Higgins."

"Have a nice day."

There's got to be a mistake.

The card is addressed
to Bubba Higgins.

Bubba Higgins? Well, why
did she send them here?

What in the world was
that woman thinkin'?

Lord, my family never
brings me anything

but humiliation and grief.

No Ellen, no Buzz and Sonja.

No Don and Lorraine.

No Ed and Eunice.

Poor Frannie, she deserves
better than a no-show funeral...

especially after the
humiliatin' way she died.

Then you were with
her when she went?

- Oh, yes.
- Then it happened here at home?

Oh, no.

In the hospital?

Not exactly.

Well, where exactly?

Well, what difference
does it make?

She's just as dead whether
she died at home, in the hospital

or in the ladies' room
at the Bigger Jigger.

The ladies' room?

At the Bigger Jigger?

It was all my fault.

I insisted that we go there
for that all-you-can-eat special.

Oh! Don't blame yourself, mama.

That all-you-can-eat
is hard to resist.

I had the catfish
and Frannie ordered

a cold roast beef sandwich.

Well, with her very
first bite, she got this

string of roast beef
caught between her teeth.

She tried pullin'
at it. Nothin'.

She tried pushin' at it with
her tongue. Wouldn't budge.

She tried usin' the
corner from a matchbook.

All that did was make it worse.

But she was gettin'
crazy, and truthfully

it was startin' to
make me a little sick.

So she excused herself,
grabbed a toothpick off the bar

and went into the ladies' room.

Well, seemed like she
was in there for an eternity.

I guess I'd put away
about three of them catfish.

My beer had kind
of begun to hit me.

So I decided to have
a little fun with her.

- Fun?
- Well, yeah.

You know, like a little joke.

What I did was I cut the
tail off of one of my catfish

and I put it in
between my front teeth.

I threw open the ladies'
room door, and I said

"Just be glad you
didn't order fish."

Did Fran laugh?

Well, I'd like to
think she would have.

She had that dang
toothpick in her mouth.

Oh, what happened?

When she saw me with my
fish tail, she made a big gasp

and let go of the toothpick
and inhaled that sucker.

Oh, good grief.

Before I could do anything
to help, she went into the stall

locked the door behind
her and she never come out.

Doctor says she
never knew what hit her.

But I think when you
choke on a toothpick

you can't help but know.

[car approaching]

The limo's here.

[sobbing]

Well, now, let's put on a
brave face and get out there

and give Frannie the
big send-off she deserves.

Well, Frannie, so
far it's a perfect day.

(Thelma) Well, I thought
the service was just perfect...

all things considered.

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry.

Nobody said it was
your fault, Vinton.

It was me, alright. I was the
one who shut that hearse door.

I'll never forget that casket
flyin' out the hearse's back

and slidin' down the
on-ramp of the interstate.

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Iola's right. We got a passel
of hungry relatives on our heels.

Let's all get in the house.

Get busy and make
sure everything is...

perfect.

Well, what the...

Mama, we've been hit.

Well, the TV and
the radio are still here.

So is my silver, thank the Lord.

- Well, what is missing?
- All my food.

He took all of my food.

Now, what kind of criminal
eats two chicken ole casseroles?

Hi, grandma.

Did you know you're
out of ice cream?

Bubba Higgins, what in
the world are you doin' here?

Well, I got out
three months early...

for good behavior.

You did?

Now, don't pretend
like you didn't know.

The cat's out of the bag now.

It is?

I figured it out
from the balloons.

You guys are sure great.

Throwin' me this
welcome-home party.

This is not a party
for you, you big goon.

It's a wake for a funeral.

Funeral?

Oh, no, I-I knew when I went
home and the house was all

locked up, somethin'
horrible had happened.

Oh, Lord, Lord!

Oh, not my sweet mom and dad.

- No, it's your sweet Aunt Fran.
- Who?

My sister, Fran, the one who
gave you the chemistry set

that Christmas you almost
blew up my front porch.

Oh, that Aunt Fran.

Well, how did she die?

(all) Natural causes.

Well, alright, let's
just get crackin' here.

We're gonna be overrun
with people any minute

and this place looks like the
inside of a goat's stomach.

What on earth are we
gonna feed all these people?

You're the home ec major.

Whip up somethin'.

I'll go ice down the beer.

Say, where are mom and
dad? They still at the cemetery?

They could have left me a
note sayin' when they'd be home.

Vinton, I feel the
need for a beer.

Why don't you help
Uncle Vint with the ice?

Go on. Get.

Miss Harper, that
poor boy has no idea

that Ed and Eunice
have moved away.

I could kill Eunice.

Why didn't she just tell
Bubba to join them in Florida?

Well, that's because
a minor on probation

cannot leave the
state for one year.

What? Are you sure about that?

Don't you watch "Miami Vice"?

Well, he can't stay here.

Can he, Miss Harper?

Miss Harper.

Well, now, we'll
cross that bridge later.

In the meantime, not one
word about this to Bubba.

I won't have him ruinin'
Fran's perfect day.

Vinton, where
the hell's my beer?

Care for a canape, Aunt Effie?

Well, looks like plain old
peanut butter on a cracker.

What do you call this?

Plain old peanut
butter on a cracker.

Oh, say, Thelma, Thelma,
what ever happened

to those opal earrings that
I give Fran on her birthday?

She was wearin' 'em
today. She loved 'em so.

So did I.

- Reverend?
- No, thank you.

Miss Harper, we were
tellin' the reverend

how much we enjoyed his service.

Oh, my, yes. I thought
it was just perfect.

They really did a splendid
job on Fran, don't you think?

Very lifelike and natural

especially with that
little piece of roast beef

stuck between her teeth.

You know, Aunt Fran was the one

who first discovered my
natural genius for chemistry.

Okay, Einstein, I
need you in the kitchen.

I'm tryin' to do the best with
what you've got in the kitchen.

You're a lifesaver,
Iola. What are those?

Sardines on a shingle.

I think I'll make a salad.

Say, when are mom and
dad supposed to get here?

Bubba...

Well, Bubba...

Look at the way they cut
your hair in that reform school.

It wasn't reform school,
grandma. It was Juvenile Hall.

Well, it's a family disgrace,
no matter what you call it.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

That judge had it in for me.

Whoever heard
of givin' a kid time

just for runnin' away from home?

In a stolen car.

I never thought I'd live to
see a member of my family

wind up behind bars.

They don't have bars at
Juvenile Hall, grandma.

And you lower your voice.

You're in my kitchen
now, not reform school.

Juvenile Hall! Juvenile Hall!

I don't care if you call it
Miss Aster's Finishin' School.

It's a prison where they
put people who steal cars.

I borrowed it.

Well, mister, your
borrowin' days are over.

[spraying]

Uh, Reverend Meechum...

there's this question that's
been on my mind all day.

I hear this so often
in times of grief

and the question's
almost always the same.

Go ahead, Vint.

Do fish go to heaven?

I mean, I know there's
a dog and a cat heaven,

but how about fish?

I have to get back
to you on that one.

Where are they?

Wouldn't you know mom
and dad would come late?

It's almost like they
don't even wanna see me.

Sure they do, but
they can't drive here

all the way from Florida.

Florida?

Well, sure. Haven't you heard?

Heard what?

Okay, everybody,
since this is Fran's day

I thought it would
be just perfect

if we all shared our
wonderful memories of her.

Oh, Miss Harper,
that's a lovely idea.

Who wants to go first?

I remember when I gave
Fran those opal earrings.

She said, "Aunt Effie, if
anything happens to me

"I want you to have 'em.

"Even if I'm buried in 'em,
dig me up and take 'em back!"

(Bubba) I can't believe this!

I've been abandoned,
just like Punky Brewster.

Oh, will you get a grip
on yourself, Bubba?

This is Fran's day.

Well, excuse me.

It's Fran's day, not Bubba's.

Well, what do I do to be loved
in this family? Wait till I die?

One more word and you
won't have to wait much longer.

All the other kids
had moms and dads

that tucked 'em in at night
and made 'em nice lunches

and kissed 'em when
they went off to school.

But did Bubba?

No!

My old lady would
drag herself out of bed

and throw a frozen
waffle in a paper bag

and tell me to beat it.

Is this a story about Fran?

They are supposed to
love you a-and care for you.

Do you know what my family did?

They had me locked
up in reform school.

It was really Juvenile Hall.

And then, while I'm behind
bars, they move away to Florida.

And I can't go.

Well, just count your blessings.

You said it, padre.

At least now I'm free
of this lousy family.

Freeze!

According to your social
worker, Mr. Hampstead

who I spoke with not
more than five minutes ago

you're either gonna
stay here and live with me

or you're goin' back
to reform school.

- Juvenile Hall.
- It's up to you, Bubba.

What's it gonna be? The
old lady or the hoosegow?

The old lady.

Now, that's my baby.
Come on. You sit down.

Everything's gonna turn
out just fine, you'll see.

Sit right there.

Here, have some cake.

Do I get my own room?

You can have Frannie's old room.

Just a minute, Vinton and
I are movin' into that room.

Oh, the lad's been
through so much.

Let him sleep in the basement.

I ain't sleepin'
in the basement!

- Grandma promised me that room.
- Well, she promised us first.

I was promised those
earrings, and I want 'em.

I'm not sleeping in the
basement. I'm sleeping upstairs.

- I've been in reform school...
- Well, don't just stand there.

- Do somethin'.
- Hold it, hold it.

Let us pray.

Well, Frannie, I tried

but your perfect day's
gone to hell in a handbasket.

I sure hope you haven't
done the same. Amen.

(all) Amen.

- I ain't sleeping'...
- Hold it...

[theme music]