Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 4 - Naomi and the Stork - full transcript

Mornin', Ms. Harper.

Naomi, what in the world
are you still doin' here?

You stayin' home
from work again today?

Yeah. Today and every
other day for the rest of my life

as long as I feel like this.

I don't know what
is the matter with me.

You want a list?

No. What I want is
to feel normal again.

You were feelin' fine
yesterday afternoon.

I don't know why you
only decide to get sick

when it's time to go to work.



I do not. Ever since I
woke up this mornin'

I been walkin' a tightrope
between nausea and death.

I'm tired for no reason,
my legs are startin' to swell.

Take a look at this.

The last thing I wanna
look at are your puffy legs.

And I have, too, felt like this.

I remember feelin' exactly
like this when I was...

Uh-oh.

When you were what?

Oh, Lord! This is all I need.

'Well, what is it?
What's wrong?'

Follow this tater masher

and don't take your
eyes off it for nothin'.

- What for?
- Just humor an old lady!



Now, come on.

Ms. Harper,
please don't do that.

It's makin' me seasick.

Oh, no. I knew it.

You just passed Aunt
Ida's tater masher test.

I did? What does that mean?

This tater masher has
predicted every birth

in the Harper family for
the past two generations.

Ohh. You don't think that I'm..

Pregnant, do you?

I want you to tell me
the truth. Are you late?

Late for what?

Do I have to come
straight out and say it?

Mr. Monthly Visitor!

Yeah!

Oh, Ms. Harper,
how did this happen?

You want me to
draw you a picture?

No, I mean Vinton
and I use birth control.

There's only one
sure-fire birth control.

You roll over and say..

"Keep away from me, you lizard."

Vinton doesn't want
me to start a family now.

He's been very insistent
that we don't start ours

until we have a
place of our own.

That would have
been my advice, too.

'Course, with
Vinton, you'll be lucky

if you wind up livin' in a shoe.

What am I gonna do, Ms. Harper?

I'd get on the phone
right now to Dr. Percy.

Dr. Percy.. Is he
an obstetrician?

He's better than that.
He's a baby doctor.

He delivered every
single one of my kids.

They might not be the brightest

but they all came
out in one piece.

Don't you think he's
awful old by now?

A little older
and a little wiser.

They don't come any
sharper than Dr. Percy.

Shoot, he's seen me naked

more times than
my husband, Carl.

Well, if it's all the
same to you, Ms. Harper

I think I'd like to find
a younger doctor.

It's not all the same to me.

No grandkid of mine's gonna
come out by way of the Yellow Pages.

I'll call Dr. Percy myself.

Well, hello, yourself.

This is Thelma Harper,
and my daughter-in-law

wants to make an
appointment to see Dr. Percy.

When?

No. No, never
mind. Just forget it.

Dr. Percy's not in.
Lord rest his soul.

You may not believe
this, Ms. Harper

but I think I'm smart
enough to find my own doctor.

If that were so, you'd have been
smart enough not to need one.

Mistakes can happen.
Look how many you made.

When I made them, I
was livin' in my own house

with my own husband,
and we had enough money

to feed another
mouth, even Eunice's.

I'd appreciate it if you
didn't say nothin' to Vinton.

Why? What good is
that gonna do you?

I don't know, but
he's gonna be so mad.

And I just don't feel like
dealin' with that right now.

Honesty's the best
policy, get this thing...

Ms. Harper, please!

Well, where do you
think you're goin'?

I'm goin' downstairs
to lie down.

I have a headache.

Well, you should have
thought of that one sooner!

Buzz, don't fill up on
too many potatoes.

Remember, there's
Tapioca puddin'

'in the kitchen for dessert.'

Well, I guess
everybody's already heard

the big news by now.

Ms. Harper!

I never said a word!

But you've heard, haven't you?

About Sylvia Jessup
leaving her husband?

Oh. No, I hadn't
heard, but if I had

the secret would have
been safe with me.

I told you that marriage
wouldn't last six months.

I don't know why
anyone marries anyone.

Marriage is barfy.

Sonia, please.

Marriage is no such thing.

It's the most wonderful
thing in the world

for two people to be sharin'
all that life has to offer.

Hey, Skeeter, want
some of my gizzard?

Nope, nothin' can
compare to wedded bliss.

Your first wife used to say

she'd rather be
tied to an anthill.

Well, she was more
your independent type.

Now, look at Naomi over there.

The two of us are just as
happy as clams, aren't we?

See there?

I'll bet we could all
be happy as clams

if you'd get your own house.

Well, I don't think it'll
be much longer now.

Oh, really, honey?

Oh, that's the
best news I've had.

How much longer
do you think it'll be?

Oh, I don't expect
we'll be livin' here

a day over five more years.

- Five more years?
- 'Uh-huh.'

Oh, now, isn't that
just like a woman?

They cry when they're happy.

Well, I'm ready for some
of that Tapioca puddin'.

Well, I'll signal the waitress

the next time she comes by.

Don't bother. I'll get it.

Thelma. Thelma.

Naomi didn't look
very happy to me.

Well, she's got
a lot on her mind.

Like what?

I'm not at liberty to say.

Thelma!

I guess I might as
well let you in on it.

You're gonna find
out soon enough.

Find out what?

Naomi's expectin'.

Expecting what?

A baby?

No, a Mitsubishi!
Of course, a baby!

Wow! I think that's great.

I think it would be neat
havin' a baby brother

or sister around the
house, don't you, Sonia?

I'd rather have a
phone in my room.

A baby?

Thelma, I cannot believe
you let this happen.

Why didn't you
put your foot down?

On what?

Well, in case you
haven't noticed

the last thing we
need around here

is another person..

Especially a little, red,
wrinkled one that wets.

I will not hear of it.

Not while I am
living in this house.

And I will tell
Vinton so myself.

Don't you open your big trap.

Vinton doesn't know
anything about this yet

and I promised Naomi that
she could break it to him.

Now, you swear to me
you won't say nothin'.

- Oh, I swear.
- I know you'd just love to.

I will tell you
what I would love.

I would love to have the room

that used to be my office back.

I would love to be able
to put on my makeup

in the bathroom mirror

without havin' four people
holdin' a stopwatch on me.

I would love to
go to sleep at night

without havin' to
listen to Oingo Boingo.

If you think I am going
to babysit the little thing

you have another think...

Uh... comin'. Ohh.

Babysit what little thing?

Franny, you got
the biggest mouth

this side of the
Carlsbad Caverns.

Is somethin' goin'
on around here

I'm not supposed to know about?

Vinton.. I think you
better go downstairs

and have a talk with your wife.

There's somethin' she
wants to discuss with you.

Oh, yeah? Well, whatever it is

it can wait till after
I finish my dessert.

Maybe what she
wants to talk about

is more important
than that dessert.

I doubt it.

Vinton, how would you
like a Tapioca shampoo?

I believe I'll go downstairs

and have a little
talk with Naomi.

I wonder if they'll
do natural childbirth.

Yeah. That way,
dad can participate.

Forget it. Your dad
already participated.

Hey, Skeeter.

Mama says you
want to talk to me.

Anything wrong?

No. I was just sittin'
here thinkin' about things.

What kind of things?

Oh, the meaning of life.

Do you ever think
about things like that?

Oh, maybe I have once or twice.

Seems to me I was for it.

You want my cherry?

Why are you askin'
me stuff like that?

Well, I was just
tryin' to figure out

why things happen when they do.

You know, like before
you're ready for them to?

Hell, I always like to think

I'm always ready for anything.

Are you ready to have a baby?

A baby? A baby?

We have already discussed this.

There is no way I'm
gonna start a second family

while you, me, and
our kids are livin' here.

- I am gonna have a baby.
- No, you're not.

- Oh, yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

'Yes, she is!'

Now, Ms. Harper,
this is private.

Vinton, what I'm
tryin' to tell you

is that I'm already pregnant.

You mean I'm gonna be a daddy..

Again?

Yes.

I know this isn't
the right time.

I know that we said
we were gonna wait

to start our family till we
had our own little house

with the trash compactor
and the chain-link fence.

I know that you're
disappointed in me, honey

but please don't be too
mad because I'm upset, too.

Upset?

Naomi, this is wonderful!

Our first baby!

Oh, wait till the
guys hear about this.

But, honey, you just said

you didn't want
us to start a family.

Oh, honey, there's
a big difference

between startin' a
family and havin' a baby.

One of them you have
to think about havin'

and the other one you
just have without thinkin'.

Does this mean it's okay?

Okay? It's fantastic!

Oh, baby, we're gonna
have us a little Skeeter.

Oh, I shouldn't be bouncin'
you around like that.

Here. Come on over
here and sit down.

I gotta start takin' care
of you now be.. Ohh.

Hello, in there!

Oh, honey.

We're gonna be so happy.

Bad news?

How can you call
our baby bad news?

What do you call
someone who wakes you

at midnight screaming
like a banshee?

I'd call it a "blessed event".

One that Naomi and me

are real happy
about, right, Naomi?

Right. The only thing
we're not happy about

is our room downstairs
in the basement.

We don't feel that
that's a proper place

to raise a baby.

Well, it's the same as
everybody else's room.

Four walls and a ceilin'.

Naomi is right.

The basement is no place
for a mother-to-be to be.

Well, you should
have thought of that

before you started playin'
Rumpus Room Roulette.

Grandma, you don't
want your grandbaby

growin' up in a basement?

Fine, Buzz. Give 'em your room.

My room is in the
attic. It's too small.

Give them Sonia's room.

Don't look at me. My
room's microscopic.

Aunt Fran's room is humongous.

Don't you think for one moment

that you're gonna
throw me out of my room.

I've already had my office
jerked out from under me!

Oh, alright. Nobody's
jerkin' anything here.

Your room's a whole lot
bigger than Buzz or Sonia's.

Yeah.

If size is the all-important
factor, Thelma

why not give up your room?

After all, it's your
grandchild, not mine.

Well, put the blame on me.

May I remind each
and every one of you

that this is my house, paid
for by my dead husband

so get off my back!

It's not my fault
we're in this mess!

No, it's my fault.
It's mine. Okay.

I didn't intend to get pregnant

while we were all still
livin' cramped together

in this hellhole.

But it has happened.

The baby's comin'.
What do I do with it?

Is it too early to
suggest boarding school?

You are just about the
most selfish bunch of people

I've ever met in my life.

Not one of you cares for
anything but yourselves.

Oh, Naomi.

Naomi, honey, where you goin'?

I'm going to my basement.

- I'm comin' with you.
- Don't touch me!

Oh, Naomi, please. Now, come on.

Hey, Skeeter. Naomi! Come on!

Well, I bet the neighbors

are gonna love listenin'
to this for nine months.

Bet I'm the only one here
who can tie my shoes.

Well, what the..?

Lord, doesn't anybody watch
Johnny Carson anymore?

Ms. Harper, what
are you doin' here?

I came down to find
out what's goin' on.

You didn't have to
come all this way.

Well, I know that, but a
person can come here

if they want to, can't they?

What I didn't wanna do

was sit next to some
old bag lady on the bus.

I swear, every time
I get on that bus

some freak of nature
gets on right behind me.

So, what's goin' on?

Did you see the doctor yet?

- No, not yet.
- Who loosened your lip?

'Ms. Harper!'

Behave. I saw the doctor.

He took some tests
and told me to wait.

He's gonna know for
sure in a couple of minutes.

A couple of minutes.

I used to have to
wait at least a week.

I guess rabbits are
smarter nowadays.

Oh. Hi, hon. Sorry I'm late.

Did you see the doctor yet?

- He told me to wait.
- Uh-huh.

I had to stop off and
get a little surprise.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Here. Look at this.
It's for the baby.

- Cigars?
- Yeah.

Well, why didn't you
get him a bullwhip, too?

These are not for
the baby.. Mama!

These are not for
the baby to smoke.

They're for me to pass
out after the baby gets here.

Here, look. Read
what it says here.

"Congratulations. It's a.."

Yeah. And then
after the baby comes

I fill in "boy" or "girl," see?

I got a real good deal on them.

Hey, Naomi. How's it goin'?

What are you doin'
bringin' the kids here?

Grandma!

I didn't bring them.
How'd you get here?

We got a ride from school.

Buzz and I figured out how
you guys can move upstairs.

Sonia's room is big
enough for the three of you.

She'll move into the attic,
and I'll take the basement.

Aw, that's real
generous of you kids.

Thank you so much. That
means so much to me.

Naomi. Hello, there, Vinton.

Well, for heaven's
sake. Sonia, Buzz.

- Franny.
- Thelma?

What's the whole
family doin' here?

Vinton, do you think
a baby-doctor's office

is a proper place for children?

We just stopped by
to tell dad and Naomi

the baby can sleep
in my room upstairs.

Out of the question.

The sweet little thing
can have my room.

The baby will be
fine in my room.

I am moving into the basement.

I got dibs on the basement.

Did you hear me say the
baby's sleeping in my room?

It is not! We
finally figured it out.

Now hear this!

It's my house, and I say

that the baby's sleepin'
in grandma's room!

- Mrs. Harper.
- Yo!

I think he means me.

We have the
results of your tests

if you'd like to step
back into my office.

Baby..

False pregnancy..

Who ever heard of such a thing?

I guess it just wasn't
meant to be this time around.

Hormonal imbalance..

Who the devil
dreamed that one up?

I bet you'd be
pregnant right now

if Dr. Percy was still alive.

How are your hormones
feelin' now, Skeeter?

Oh, I think they're more
confused than ever.

I feel kind of sad and
relieved all at the same time.

But I did wanna say,
today in that doctor's office

for the very first time,
you all made me feel

like I was really a
part of this family.

I wanted to
thank y'all for that.

I hope you're not too
disappointed, honey.

Me? Oh, maybe I
was there for a minute

but then I realized
that, shoot..

I already got me two great kids.

And you know you've always
been the baby of my dreams.

Oh, I love you, Vint.

Well, it would have been
fun havin' another grandkid.

I was lookin' forward
to bunkin' with a baby.

Cheer up, grandma.
You still got us.

Yeah, grandma. For sure.

Well, you're no fun.

You're already potty-trained.

Oh, come on, baby.

Where in the world do
you two think you're goin'?

Back to the drawin' board.

We didn't even have supper yet!

Lord, even rabbits
take a meal break.

'You know, Thelma, I never
thought I'd feel this way'

'but I really am disappointed.'

'Well, don't worry, Franny.'

'If practice makes perfect,
I got my money on them.'