Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 3 - Country Club - full transcript

Ellen (Betty White)is a member of a high brow country club that has elected her to receive a "Woman Of The Year" award. Mayor Tutwiller is the master of ceremonies and,unaware of their relationship,has invited Thelma to say a few words on her daughter's behalf. Ellen is,as always,not to pleased about this,fearing the country club members' scrutiny. Thelma starts out okay but ends up embarrassing her Daughter with stories of her childhood and basically turning her speech into a "roast".

Mama, how could
you lose a bowlin' ball?

If I've told you once, I've
told you a hundred times.

I didn't lose it, I put
it somewhere safe.

- But where?
- I don't know!

A bowlin' ball just
can't disappear.

It can when mama
puts it in a safe place.

Naomi, I've done
a lot of stupid things

but I never tried to stuff a
bowlin' ball under a sofa.

I'm just tryin' to look
everywhere, Ms. Harper.

Did you look in here?

How do you know it's
safe if you don't remember?



Until we find it, it's safe.

Our team is up for the
bowlin' championship

and I don't have a ball, mama!

Fiddle-de-fud!

If your daddy heard
you talkin' like that

he'd turn over in his grave.

Maybe your daddy isn't
dead and gone at all.

Maybe your mama just
put him in a safe place.

Hello, everybody.

Isn't it just a glorious day?

Well, it is outside.

What's the matter, brother dear?

You look like you lost
your best and only friend.

- He did.
- I didn't lose it, you did!



My fluorescent orange
polyurethane pin buster is gone!

Oh, nonsense.

She's sittin' right there.

I'm gonna break your
teeth, Ellen. Pass 'em over.

That's enough.
Knock it off, all of you.

What do you want, Ellen?

Why, I don't want anything.

You wouldn't be here if
you didn't want somethin'.

I thought I'd come and
give you some news

that'll make y'all feel better.

Well, spit it out.
We can use it.

I've been chosen Raytown
Country Club's woman of the year!

What makes me so mad
is there was no reason for it.

It was on the closet floor.

It's been on the closet floor
as long as I've been alive.

Did anybody hear
what I just said?

I have just announced
that I have won

Raytown's highest honor.

Well, maybe you have,
and maybe you haven't.

I'm up for checker of the
week at the food circus.

- Hey, we better skedaddle.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

My manager says punctuality
is almost as important

as double baggin' the ice cream.

- Bye, Skeeter.
- I love you, darlin'.

Love you too.

I'm talkin' about an
award of the year here

not some two-bit prize
from her grungy little market.

Two-bit prize, nothin'!

If she wins, she gets $10
worth of day-old pastries.

I don't believe you people!

I am tryin' to bring
some honor and prestige

to this otherwise
undistinguished family.

What'd you think I'm
tryin' to bring to this family?

An embroidered bowlin' shirt

with champs written on
the sleeve, that's what.

Why doesn't somebody
try bringin' a little love

and understandin'
to this family?

Where is it? It's got
to be someplace!

You get off mama's back!

I think we all ought to
be more understandin'.

Mama..

Mama, could I borrow grandma's
diamond brooch, for tonight?

I knew it. I knew you
wanted somethin'!

You're like those envelopes
with the little windows.

Every time one of
them things comes

I know it's gonna
cost me somethin'.

But I only wanna borrow
it for this one evening.

That brooch is the
only thing of value

that my mama ever left me.

It's never left my
room and it never will.

It would mean a lot to me.

Well, alright,
maybe I could have

somebody in this
family like me today.

Oh, mama, thank you.

Alright, it's upstairs
in my jewelry box.

Take good care of that brooch,
bring it back in the morning.

Don't touch anything else in
that box. I know what's there.

Mama, everything
else is stuff you bought.

I wouldn't be
interested in that.

"It's upstairs in
my jewelry box."

"It's upstairs in
my jewelry box."

What are you doin'?
Practicin' to be an echo?

How can you lose my bowlin' ball

and still know where
some 70-year-old pin is?

When I do find that ball,
I'm gonna put it downstairs

in the middle of
your bed, Vinton!

It can sleep next to
your other pin buster!

You could look up
disgustin' in the dictionary

and there'd be
a picture of this.

Hello, Ms. Harper.

I'll tell you what's disgustin'.

Ellen has a big
day so right away

you drag out grandma's diamond
brooch and you give it to her.

Don't you think you'd look silly
bowlin' in a diamond brooch?

If Ellen asked for anything

you'd bend over
backwards to give it to her.

I haven't bent over backwards

since I was a drum
majorette in high school.

As a kid, Ellen always
got the best of everything.

Now that she's grown
up, she still does.

- Oh, horse feathers!
- She's rich.

She wears fancy clothes.

Belongs to that highfalutin
country club of hers.

Which we're not good
enough to get into.

That country club is
no big shakes anyway.

It is,Ms. Harper.
It's very exclusive.

Now, how exclusive can it
be? They even asked me to join.

Oh, come on, mama!

The Raytown Country Club
never asked you to be a member.

They most certainly did. I got
the invitation here to prove it!

I filed it in the trash next to

the “Reader’s
Digest" sweepstakes.

Now, does this not say,
"Raytown Country Club"?

Right here it says,
"We would be pleased

to have you and
your family join us."

Wait, wait. Let me see
that. Let me see that.

"We'd be pleased to have
you and your family join us

for the woman-of-the-year
banquet."

Mama, this is an invitation
to the banquet tonight!

To Ellen's banquet?

Just imagine us at the
Raytown Country Club

woman-of-the-year banquet!

Them snooty people are only
invitin' us 'cause we're family.

We wouldn't really be welcome.

We're gonna hobnob with
the rich and famous, honey.

Yeah, I bet the
mayor'll be there!

And they're gonna have free
food, drinks and everything!

It's too late for me
to rent a tuxedo.

It'll be good for
you to go, honey.

It would chase the blues away.

I could wear a bow
tie with my best suit.

I don't believe you two
are goin' to this thing!

We got an invitation! I
think you ought to go!

No, no, it's too ritzy,
I never go anyplace

where they got more
forks than they got food.

Never mind that. Come
on, Vinton, let's us go!

I believe I got a clean shirt.

I can't wait to put
on my silk dress.

Come on, Skeeter
let's hit the shower.

Don't use all the hot water.
I guess I'm goin' with you.

Mama, I thought
you didn't wanna go.

I don't, but this is
Ellen's big night.

Somebody's gotta be there to
protect her from you two clowns.

Okay, hold it right
there, Mr. Mayor.

Wait, wait. Hold it, now.

Well, I am very honored
to have my picture taken

with the mayor of Raytown.

It's I, who am
honored to be posing

with Raytown's most
distinguished citizen.

Oh, Mayor Tutwiller, you
have such a way with the truth.

Thank you.

I hope you find the arrangements

the decorations
pleasing. It's all for you.

Oh, it is just glorious.

This is going to be
a perfect evening.

Well, let's toast to that.

Hello, Ellen, dearest.

What are you doin' here?

- You're not goin'...
- Ellen, you look gorgeous.

I never get tired of
seein' you in that dress!

I'm, I'm delighted
that you're all here

but I don't think you understand

this dinner is by
invitation only.

Ellen, I had the club
extend a special invitation

to your family to celebrate
this august occasion with you.

It was designed as a surprise.

Surprise!

Welcome to our banquet.
I'm Mayor Tutwiller.

- Oh, hi, I'm Naomi.
- Oh, well, I'm Thelma Harper.

Joe Bob, let's get drinks
for these fine people.

- What would you like?
- 'Mama, please, if don't..'

I think beer all around
would be just fine.

What is it, Ellen baby?

I was just gonna
say don't order beer.

I'd like one of those
Hawaiian drinks

with the chunk of pineapple.

And a slice of orange,
and a hunk of coconut

and a red cherry,
and a green cherry

and another red cherry.

Why don't you just bring
her a knife and a fork?

Oh, and Joe Bob,
bring my beer in the can.

I think it stays
colder that way.

Well, this, uh, this must be
a joyous day for all of you.

Well, it sure is for me. I
found my bowlin' ball. I...

I hardly think this is the place

to be talkin' about
your silly old bowlin' ball.

Ellen, I want everybody to
hear this one. It's a doozy.

Hey, toots, you want
to hear a funny story?

Oh!

Well, who stuck a
burr under her saddle?

Why, he's scared to death

I'm gonna lose his
precious bowlin' ball

so he took it out of my closet

and stuck it in his own truck.

It was there all the time!

You crazy, darn fool you!

Well, I'm glad. Maybe I
could give you a few dollars

and you could all
go bowlin' right now.

Don't be silly. I
didn't get my beer yet.

Joe Bob, what's
holdin' up that brew?

- Mingle a little, Mr. Mayor.
- Yes.

Uh, Mr. Mayor, you
do much bowlin'?

Oh, very little. I
don't get much time.

Well, I can give you the
secret of bowlin' in one word..

The thumb hole.

The thumb hole.

Boy, you learn fast! I tell
you what, you stay right here

I'll go and get my bowlin' ball.

That's not necessary, really.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, well, is this it or is there
gonna be more chow later?

No, these are just the
appetizers, Ms. Harper.

- Help yourself.
- Oh! Well, I guess I will.

Joe, Bob, why don't I
take this off your hands.

You go on back there, find
out what's holdin' up my beer.

Mama, please!

I'm not gonna eat them
all myself. Here, hold this.

Oh, look at the little
finger sandwiches

with the crust cut off
of here and everything!

These little shrimps
look mighty tasty.

Use a toothpick, mama!

Where are your manners,
Ellen? Toothpicks are for after.

May I have one, please?

Yeah, when your daughter
gets to be woman of the year.

Well, gee, if everybody's
gonna pig out on 'em

I better save these for Vinton.

- I'm goin' to the ladies room.
- Want me to come, baby?

No, mama, I'm just gonna
slam the lid on my head.

Mayor Tutwiller, I
must commend you

on your inspiring
campaign motto.

Well, thank you. I
thought of it myself.

"A vote for Tutwiller is a
vote for honor and dignity."

I know that honor and
dignity is certainly something

that the Harper family
has always stood for.

Dip me, Vinton!

Some of the family
hasn't gotten the word yet.

Ooh!

I'm sorry!

Excuse us.

You know, Ellen, it has always
been my objective as mayor

to clean up the
crime in our streets.

Horse pucky! What
you ought to do is

clean up the
trash in our streets.

Those trash men say they're
gonna come on Tuesday.

Sometimes they don't get
there till as late as Thursday.

- Would you care to dance?
- I thought you'd never ask me.

I think he meant me, mama.

You know how rank tuna
salad can get in two days?

No, he doesn't, mama.

That's 'cause they pick
up the mayor's trash first.

I gotta wait till Thursday.

- Hey, mama, havin' a good time?
- Butt out, Vinton!

I'm tryin' to talk
politics with the mayor.

Anyway, Tutwiller, I
got me three trash cans

and I put them suckers
out on Tuesday afternoon

and every single dog in the
neighborhood hollers, "Buffet"!

Then they know they've
got at least two days

to strew garbage
from hell till breakfast.

- You don't say.
- I do say.

You don't know what
it's like to step in a big...

Mama, will you just stop this?

You can have him back as soon
as my bunions holler, "Uncle!"

Here.

Hey, Tutwiller, you got
any hop left in your lindy?

Did you enjoy your
dinner, Mrs. Harper?

Well, I got to tell
you, I believe my meat

could have been done
just a little bit more.

Mama, good prime rib is
supposed to be served rather rare.

I know that, but
mine left hoof prints

in my mashed potatoes.

Uh, I would think, as guests

you could say something
nice about the meal.

- Well, it was free!
- It was free!

Tough as it was, you
can't beat the price.

'That's right.'

Well, maybe we should
get started with the festivities.

Oh, please!

Does that mean you're
not gonna eat your dessert?

- Help yourself.
- Thank you.

What makes you think
you're the only one

that might have wanted seconds?

If you'd waited for
him to stand, the rest..

Here, here, there's
plenty for everyone!

Look at this! Is this
to die for. There's..

Uh, may I, may I have
your attention, please?

May I have your attention?

Hey, hey, hey! You wanna
hold it down over there?

We're here tonight to
honor an outstanding citizen

of our community, Ellen Jackson.

- That's my girl.
- Yay, sis!

- Whoo, whoo, whoo!
- Vinton!

Swallow your tongue!

Will you two shut up?
Go on ahead, Tutwiller.

Now, we have a rather long
program planned in her honor.

Uh-oh! Another beer
over here, Joe Bob!

- To start, I'd like to..
- Joe Bob, make that two!

I'd like to take
the liberty to call..

Well, for pity's sake,
just bring us a six pack!

I'd like to call on a very
special person who's with us

a person who's known
Ellen longer than any of us.

Oh, no!

Ellen's charming mother,
Mrs. Thelma Harper.

Well, what the..

Mayor Tutwiller, uh, my mama
doesn't do public speakin'.

Uh, wild horses wouldn't
get her up to that microphone.

Besides, she has a
terrible case of laryngitis.

Shoot! If Nancy
Reagan can do this

I guess I can give
it a shot. Alright.

Alright, I'm gonna
go for it, Ellen.

Alright. My daughter's
scared to death

I'm gonna say
something dumb or stupid.

I don't know how
she knows what I'll say

'cause when she's around, I
don't ever get to say anything.

Can y'all hear me out
there? Let me see here.

I'm not used to hangin' around
this club or all of you people

but I will just say,
well, what the..

I will say that for snooty
people, some of you ain't bad.

Well, I know I shouldn't
say that because I don't know

whether you're
snooty or not for a fact.

I only know for sure
that my daughter Ellen is.

'Anyway, ever since..'

Mama, I think the mayor just
wanted you to say a few words

now that everyone has met
you and seen how sweet..

Butt out, Ellen! I do a single.

Anyway, ever since
she joined this club

her nose is so high in the air

when she takes a
shower, she like to drown.

But she did win this honor and
I'm as proud as a mama can be.

It's because of her that I can
hang out in this swanky club

with all of you,
la-de-da people.

I was even introduced
to the mayor of Raytown.

Let's hear it for Mr. Tutwiller,
the mayor of Raytown.

Yes, sir, I've never met
the mayor in person before.

I have seen his car
parked illegally a few times.

Some politicians get into
office and lie and cheat.

Tutwiller hasn't
done any of that.

Matter of fact, he
hasn't done anything

since he's been in there.

But I wanna tell ya

our mayor is a man with
his hands into everything.

I know, I was dancing with him.

Well, seriously, folks,
enough about the mayor.

It's Ellen's night to
howl, and with a full moon

I don't imagine we'll
have to wait too long.

I'm just jokin', Ellen, baby.

You know you're
my third favorite kid.

This is the most memorable
day in my daughter's life.

I take that back.

I bet this is the second most
memorable day in your life.

I never will forget when
Ellen was eight years old

and she was marchin' in
the Memorial Day parade

with the Raytown twirlettes.

You remember
the twirlettes, toots?

Close your mouth. I'm
gettin' an echo in here.

Everybody remembers
the twirlettes.

They were these little girls
who used to twirl their batons.

They had the
cutest little outfits.

They had the white boots
with the white tassels on them

little red tops, and these
cute little white skirts.

I'm standin' on the sidewalk
waitin' to see my baby

come down the street,
proud as a mama

and all of a sudden, Carl,
my husband, Lord rest his soul

comes runnin' up,
and he says to me

"Shouldn't Ellen
be wearin' these?"

And he holds up this little pair
of red, white, and blue panties

that all of the twirlettes
were supposed to wear.

Next thing I see, they're
comin' marchin' down the street.

You got to see this here, now.
The drums are going like this..

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom ta bom bom.

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom bom.

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom ta
bom bom. Like that, you see.

I trudge out into the
middle of this parade

and I'm tryin' to keep up, I'm
keepin' step with the drums

tryin' to catch up to
Ellen, and the drums go..

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom ta bom bom.

I finally catch up to Ellen

I keep right in step
with those drums

I give her the best
advice a mama could give.

I said, "Ellen baby,
don't do the cartwheels!"

Oh, you're wonderful!
You're wonderful!

Listen. Listen, can we talk?

Can we talk?

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom bom.

Br-r-r-r-m bom bom ta bom bom.

Ms. Harper, I never
laughed so hard in my life.

I laughed so hard,
I almost got sick!

You almost got sick
'cause you ate five desserts.

I swear, you were hilarious!

Ah, well, them people
never heard anybody

shoot from the lip like I did.

Mama, I didn't know
you knew about the time

that I played doctor
with the O'Malley twins.

I knew everything you kids did.

Well, I never knew
about that, you scoundrel.

How do you find
out all this stuff?

I've got my ways.
Don't forget it.

I think I'd better lock my
bedroom door from now on.

I don't know how
you find this out

but it was great, especially
at that stuffy old club.

Which reminds me, Vinton

who have you gotten to emcee
your bowlin' banquet this year?

'Oh, no! No, no, you don't!'
We already got us an emcee.

'Oh, come on, Vinton,
what do you want?'

'Some two-bit comic or the
Mama Rickles of Raytown?'