Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 21 - Ask Aunt Fran - full transcript

[Dixieland music]

[music continues]

I can hardly wait to
get started on my plane!

This is gonna
complete my collection.

Honey, read me the
instructions, will you?

Okay, sweetheart.

"This is your Messerschmitt."

Looks like pieces
of plastic to me.

"At present, you just
have pieces of plastic

"but soon they will be assembled

into an exact replica of
this German fighter plane."



[German accent] If
you will obey orders!

[piano sounds loudly]

(Fran) Quiet! I must have quiet!

Sorry, Aunt Fran.

[silverware clatters]

(Fran) Thelma, what
is going on down there?

The Demolition
Derby got out of hand.

(Fran) Will you try and hold it
down? I have important work to do.

"Important work." I got
work to do, too, you know.

Your Aunt Fran's
gone around the bend.

I know she's really upset

but this job is a big
opportunity for her.

Just think she could
be like "Dear Abby"

helpin' people
decide what to do.



Oh, yeah. She's just the one. It
takes her three hours to decide

what color pantyhose to wear.

- Bye, everybody.
- Where are you goin'?

I'm goin' over to Eddie's.

We gotta rehearse
this project for school

we can't do anything here
with Aunt Fran, the drill sergeant.

What are you rehearsing, Buzz?

It's a demonstration of the
judicial process in action.

I'm so proud of you, son.
What does that mean?

I act like a lawyer, another
kid acts like a lawyer

we got a judge, a
plaintiff, and a defendant.

- Sounds dumb.
- It is not.

It does sound kind of childish.

[sputtering]

I gotta go. Court will
soon be in session.

Okay, baby, don't slam...

- [door slamming]
- the door.

Where am I living,
in a bowling alley?

You're livin' in a house

but I think you
belong in a home.

Where are the things
I left on this piano?

You mean them letters from
the lovelorn and the loonies?

They're in the piano bench.

Oh! I had them
out for a purpose.

What purpose, Frannie? To
make my house look like a pigsty?

"Letters to Louella" is
very hard work, Thelma

and you don't
make it any easier.

What is so hard? You just give
dumb answers to dumb questions.

They are not dumb!

These are desperate
people waitin' for my advice.

Well, I got some advice for you.

Don't give up your day job.

Listen here. Just
listen to the kind of thing

I have to deal with.

"Dear Louella,
my boyfriend, Bill

"is threatening to move
out of my apartment

"and all because
of my cat, Mandy.

"He wanted me to have
Mandy fixed, but I wouldn't.

"Now Mandy has four
kittens and I adore them

"but Bill has become
insanely jealous. He insists that

"I get rid of Mandy and her
kittens. What should I do?

"Signed, caught between
a cat and a hard place."

What am I gonna say
to somethin' like that?

She can't just throw those
little kittens on the street!

Of course she can't.

Yeah, but five cats
in one apartment?

You're talkin' wall-to-wall
kitty litter. Gross!

I know. That's no way to live.

I say the
boyfriend's got rights.

Honey, it's her apartment!

[overlapping chatter]

There! Now, you see
how complicated it can get?

Oh, for pity's sakes, Fran!

Tell here to keep the cats
and get her boyfriend fixed.

[laughing] Hey!
That's good, Mama.

I love that, Ms. Harper.

Well, it is kind of cute.
Kind of flippant, but yeah.

Aunt Fran, when's the real
Louella supposed to come back?

Oh, well, he's having
his gallstones out

and you never know
how long that might take.

He? You mean, Louella's a man?

Yes! His real name's Eugene

but nobody's
supposed to know that.

Does this look like the nose?

Listen to this.

"Dear Louella, I've
been married to Warren

"not his real name,
for eight years.

He is a wonderful provider,
successful and attractive..."

If he's so wonderful, why
doesn't she give his real name?

[scoffing]

"He is, in fact, the
perfect husband

"except for one thing.

"For the last five
years, we haven't had..."

"Been together as
husband and wife."

Alright, Aunt Fran! Hot stuff!

"To tell you the truth, I
don't miss it much myself

"so I've never brought it up.

"Do you think there's
something wrong

"with our relationship?
Signed, Just Asking."

What do you think, Naomi?

I don't know, Frannie.

I've never had that
particular problem.

And you never will.

What do you two do,
breathe through your ears?

Well, what'll I
tell this person?

There's obviously
somethin' wrong.

Shoot, Frannie! Tell
her if she doesn't know

what she's missin', she
can't be missin' much.

So, the judge awarded
my client, Eddie, $100,000!

Mr. Mancini said I
acted like a real lawyer!

Well, judges are
sure free and easy

with money when
it's not their own.

It's been two weeks!
Isn't that thing done yet?

It's almost finished. All it
needs now is the insignias.

I hope so, or else I'm gonna
need advice to the lovelorn.

Where is Aunt Fran anyway?

She's upstairs
gettin' all dolled up.

She's gonna have lunch
with that muckety-muck editor.

Hey, alright!

Well, it'll get her
out of my hair.

She won't be pesterin' me
with "What'll I tell 'Miserable',

what'll I tell 'On The Verge',
what'll I tell 'Nut Case'?"

You love it, Ms. Harper.

You're never shy about
givin' your opinion, I've noticed.

Isn't Sonia back yet
from the 7-Eleven?

She said she'll bring
me today's "courier."

I wanna see the
column before my editor

Mr. Nettles, gets here.

Oh, is he gonna pick you up?

Hey! Lunch with the
boss. Are you nervous?

Oh, heavens, no. Of course not.

I'm very comfortable
with him. Oh, thank you.

He's very helpful,
very encouraging.

Matter of fact, we seem
to have a natural rapport.

Sounds like sex is
rearing its pretty head.

Oh, absolutely not!

Really, Naomi, can't you
imagine a relationship between

a man and a woman
that does not involve sex?

No.

I'll tell you what I think
this luncheon's about.

I think he's gonna offer
me Louella full time.

Hey! This could be
a real red-letter day!

You gettin' a big job,
me finishin' my plane.

Yes. He say's he's
just thrilled with

the way the column is going.

The mail has increased and
he finds my writing cogent.

Cogent, is that good?

That means you hit the nail
right on the head, grandma.

Oh, no. Wait. Hold everything.

There's no insignias in here!

They didn't put in the
insignias! How can they do that?

I gotta get to the
hobby shop right away.

Well, I'd better go with you.
You're in no condition to drive.

Good luck, Frannie.

I can't wait to hear
what your editor says.

He might wanna
syndicate the column!

Yeah! People who tell
other people what to do

make out like bandits!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Oh, alright! I'm
comin', Red Baron!

I've been tellin' people
what to do my whole life

and it hadn't brought
me in a plug nickel, so far.

Now, Thelma, I-I
want you to know

that I have found your
helpful hints very useful.

"Helpful hints"! You write
down every word I say

and you're gettin'
all the glory!

While you're ridin'
your high horse

I'm shovelin' out the stable.

I don't know what I
could possibly do to...

Well, there is one
thing, Aunt Fran.

You'll be making more
money if you get this new job.

I believe that grandma is
entitled to some remuneration.

I believe this legal business
has gone to your head!

Now, never mind that remun...
Whatever the heck that is.

I want some money!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Now, grandma has
substantially helped your success

and I believe that she should
be recompensed accordingly.

Yeah, recompensed
accordingly. Thank you, Buzz.

I couldn't have
said it better myself.

Before we go any further with
these financial manipulations

I should tell you,
Thelma, that I'm planning

to gradually phase out
your homespun advice.

Oh, yeah? Why? Got
yourself another patsy?

Oh, no! I'm just planning to
write the whole thing myself.

Like in today's
column, for instance

I added some
psychological insights

from some of the
greats in psychology.

You know, Freud,
Jung, Joyce Brothers.

You mean, you're
not using my answers?

Yes, Thelma, I am, but
I have added new depth.

Your answer to that
poor little woman

who married that
80-year-old man was

"You can't light a
fire with a wet match."

Yeah. I thought
that was real clever.

By themselves, your answers
are too simplistic, too corny.

They weren't too corny
when you came blubberin'

and askin' for help!

I've never blubbered! When
did you see me blubber?

Have you ever seen
me blubber? I've...

- Here's your paper, Aunt Fran.
- Oh.

They were all out of hot dogs
so I got peanut butter instead.

Well, why did you
get the hot dog buns?

They were on the list!

I gotta go. Andrea's
in the middle of a crisis

and she needs a
kind, compassionate

and understanding person.

Good, baby. You
go help her find one.

I don't believe this!
They've left in all of your stuff

and cut out all of my research,
my psychological insights.

I guess, that kinda stuff
don't usually make the paper

until after it's on the
bottom of the birdcage.

Oh, of course. It's
Saturday. That explains it.

Explains what?

Well, the Saturday
edition is always smaller

so they had to trim my column.

They had to take out
all the psychological

(Fran) all the
insightful... Horse pucky?

You know, Thelma, you
really are very amusing.

In fact, if Mr. Nettles asks
me to be Louella today

I-I would consider having you
give me an occasional hand.

My hand is busy.

Hold on, grandma. Let's
hear what she has to offer.

What kind of percentage
are we talkin' about?

Buzz, this is strictly
between my sister and me.

Sister, my foot! We're talkin'
big bucks. Go to it, Buzz.

Okay. Aunt Fran, can you
give us a ballpark figure?

We could wait to discuss
this when I'm gonna be Louella.

Without grandma,
there is no Louella.

How can you say that?

She's no writer. All
she has is the answers.

- Twenty percent?
- Fifty-fifty.

That's outrageous! That's
extortion! That's blackmail!

- That's tough!
- Fifty percent or nothin'.

- Well, then it's nothin'.
- Well, nice goin', F. Lee.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my gosh, that's him!

Now, what do I
say? What do I do?

Answer the door.

Right.

There you go again, grandma!
Givin' away free advice!

I've been doin'
it my whole life.

I can't just quit cold turkey.

Ah, Mr. Nettles.
How nice to see you.

And how lovely to see you.

I'll just get my things
and be right with you.

Mr. Nettles, this is my
sister, Thelma Harper.

Thelma, this is my
editor, Dwight Nettles.

How do?

What a fortunate woman you
are, having a genius for a sister.

Yeah, I've been blessed.

Like in today's column,
what was that you said?

"You can't light a
fire with a wet match."

I never could have come
up with that. Could you?

Too simplistic for me.

Yeah. You know,
I don't understand

why you wanted to add all
that psychological jibber-jabber?

That was just a
little experiment.

You didn't like that
psychology stuff, huh?

No, no, no! It's not Louella!

It takes away from the cogency.

Never mess with that cogency.

You think we should
be on our way?

Well, let's get cracking!

Oh, say, a little
problem has come up

that I want to discuss
with you over lunch.

Problem?

Yes. it's a difficult dilemma
that only Louella can solve.

Don't look at me.
I'm booked for lunch.

Too-da-loo!

Ah, dessert. What'll you have?

Oh, goodness, I don't know.
They all look so tempting.

- Mmm, fresh raspberries.
- Ooh, raspberries!

I'll have the raspberries.

I'll have the chocolate eclair.

Wait! I didn't see the chocolate
eclair. Change the eclair.

The specialty of the
house is the Pecan pie.

Ooh, pecan pie!
That's my big favorite.

Yes, well, which
will madam choose?

Gosh, I don't know!
They all look so good.

I can't ever make up my mind.

Oh, well, eeny,
meeny, miney, mo.

Stewed prunes for the lady.

Chocolate eclair
for the gentleman.

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's get down to that
problem I want to talk about.

Don't you think we should
have some coffee first?

No, no, no. In a minute. I
really want to get into this.

It's a delicate matter
concerning a friend of mine.

Uh-huh. A friend

- Yes. A professional man...
- A professional man.

Who has just hired a
new employee, a woman.

- Oh, I see.
- A woman.

A woman.

Yes, well, obviously,
in a case like that...

Oh, I haven't come
to the problem yet.

Of course not. No problem yet.

I bet you're way ahead
of me, aren't you?

You know just
what I'm gonna say.

[laughing]

Uh... This man is
completely smitten

with this mature, lovely woman.

Absolutely, completely...

[inhales deeply] smitten.

Smitten. That's two t's.

Okay. Is that the
end of the problem?

Unfortunately, no.
You see, my friend

is has been, and probably
will continue to be married.

Married. Uh-huh. That's
the problem, isn't it?

Not entirely.

- I need another napkin.
- Oh, here.

You see, this employee
has driven my friend

into a frenzy of passion.

Passion.

To him, she's like
one of these desserts.

Irresistibly tempting and
right there under his nose.

- Do you understand?
- Yes. No.

Well, you see,
the question is...

dare he indulge himself
and have this delicious morsel

or must he send it
away untouched?

Any more?

No, that's it.

- Right.
- Well? What's your answer?

I have to go to
the ladies' room.

I mean, I need to be
alone. I need to think.

I need a dime.

Ah, well, yes. I understand.

You want a moment of privacy.

- Uh-huh.
- I can respect that.

- Good.
- Here you are.

- Oh, thank you.
- And...

I know you'll come back
with the right answer.

Yes, I will! I will.

You can trust me.

[telephone ringing]

I'm up to my elbows in
baked-on grease here.

Better not be free
dance lessons.

Hello? I can't talk now.

Oh, Frannie, it's
you. Well, I'm busy.

My self-cleaning oven hasn't
learned how to clean itself yet.

Frannie, I can't understand you

when you're
blubberin' like that.

Alright, alright, I'll listen.

I'm just going to put
you on hold for a minute.

I'll be right there.

Here's some music
for you while you wait.

[music playing]

Alright, here I am. Now,
what's the big problem?

Well, Frannie, I'm no longer in
the advice business, so don't...

Thirty percent? Like I said, I
ain't in the advice business.

Thirty five? Fran, you ain't
even in the right neighborhood.

Forty? Well, that's a
better neighborhood.

Fifty? That's my address.
Lay it on me, partner.

What's the problem?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh!

Well, Frannie, wake
up and smell the coffee!

"Wake up and smell the coffee."

I ain't talkin' Louella
now. This is Thelma!

I know who it is.

Well, that's a start! Do you
know who Nettles' friend is?

No! I've never met him!

In a pig's patoot!
There ain't no friend!

What?

Frannie, Nettles is the
friend with the sweet tooth

and you are the fancy dessert!

You know what? You
might be on to somethin'.

Well, if you're not careful,
somethin' may be on to you!

Well, w-w-what am
I gonna say to him?

I'll tell you exactly
what you tell this bozo.

You tell him he wouldn't be
hankering after fancy desserts

if he'd take more of
his meals at home!

Oh, there you are.

I've taken the
liberty of ordering you

a chocolate mousse.

Seems like you're
taking quite a few liberties.

How is that, my dear?

Oh, come on, now.
You didn't expect me

to fall for that old
friend routine, did ya?

Oh! You've found
me out, have you?

Well, I must admit I haven't
been totally honest with you

but I, I knew Louella
would understand.

Hm-hm. Louella might
understand, but I'm not Louella.

Somebody else has been
writing that advice for me.

So, what?

- You don't even care?
- It's not important.

What's important is that
you're here and I'm here.

So, now let's go somewhere else.

Fine. I'll go home and you
know where you can go!

Well, I thought you
wanted to keep your job?

Well, I do!

As a professional
woman, not as a Jezebel!

Just because I'm a
woman doesn't mean

you can take advantage of me.

And as Louella might say

"If you would just
take some more meals

"you wouldn't
have to hanker after

"all those fancy
desserts at home!"

For goodness sakes,
what does that mean?

It means, I quit!

Da-dum!

[chuckling] All done.

Yay!

I'm a new woman!

Uh-oh! Just what do you
mean by that, Frannie?

Thelma, I stood up to him!

I went right back
in there and I quit!

You know what? I
don't feel bad about it

because I wasn't
Louella, you were.

I mean, I am a good
writer. I'm a fine writer.

In fact, let's face it,
I'm a superb writer.

But I'm not Louella
and I never will be.

Well, let's face it, Frannie.

You can pull a duck's
neck all you want

you still ain't gonna
wind up with a swan.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I've sure learned a
lot from my mistakes.

Mark my words,
it'll be a long time

before this girl makes
a fool of herself again.

[model plane crunching]

You destroyed my plane!

You destroyed my love life!

(Mama) Well, Frannie, just
be thankful it only had one prop.

Shoot, it could’ve
been the spruce goose.

[theme music]