Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 20 - Mama Cries Uncle - full transcript
Carl's brother, Roy, returns for a visit after many years at sea. He convinces each family member to pursue an individual dream, no matter how unrealistic it may appear to be. Mama thinks that Roy's attitude is disrupting the household, and would prefer to leave things as they are.
[Dixieland music]
[music continues]
Nothin' exciting ever
happens in this family.
Same old job, the
same old dinner.
Vinton, will you change
that broken record?
Lord, goin' to work
at the same job
and comin' home
to the same dinner
is most people's
idea of happiness.
There's 15 million foreigners
who'd kill for this setup.
[doorbell ringing]
I wonder who in the
world that can be.
Maybe it's a foreigner come
to borrow a cup of happiness.
[doorbell ringing]
Same old doorbell...
same old rug.
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday,
Brother Carl ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
Uncle Roy! Hey,
everybody, it's Uncle Roy!
Mama, it's Uncle Roy!
You little rug rat!
- Ellie!
- Oh!
You're still the prettiest
little girl in Raytown.
And you are still
my favorite uncle!
Thelma.
Well, Roy Harper.
Lord, it's been so long
I'd given up hope of
ever seein' you again.
I'm sorry to disappoint
you, Thelma.
Where's my brother,
the birthday boy?
Well, Roy, Carl
died 11 years ago.
Eleven years?
Well, we didn't know how
to get in touch with you.
Thelma...
were you with him when he died?
No. He was alone.
Happened in the
bathroom right over there.
Thelma, I-I don't
know what to say.
Would you mind if I went
in there for a moment?
- No. Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Eleven years.
Why, honey, you never
told me you had a Uncle Roy.
Oh, yeah. He's my favorite
uncle. A real man's man.
'Course, he didn't get
back home too often.
Once in a blue moon,
he'd breeze through
and expect everybody
to drop everything for him.
But he'd always bring us
the most exotic presents
from all over the world!
He's been practically
everywhere.
Everywhere there's loose
women and cheap booze.
You'd think he'd at least
have had the courtesy
to show up for his
own brother's funeral.
Well, mama, he had no idea.
Obviously, he was
all torn up about it.
[toilet flushing]
Well, folks, I brought Carl
a cooler full of his favorite.
Gulfstream oysters.
We better eat them
before they spoil.
That's nice, but we're right
in the middle of dinner here.
Oh, mama, we can do
without pot roast for one night.
- Uncle Roy's got oysters!
- Let's clear the table.
Uncle Roy, let me give
you a hand with that.
Thank you, Vint.
Come on, come on. Walk this way.
[both chuckling]
You never met my wife Naomi.
Pleased to meet you, Uncle Roy.
And my kids, Buzz and Sonia.
Buzz, Sonia. My, my, Vint.
You seem to have done
real well for yourself.
Naomi darlin', could
you rustle me up
a big, black skillet?
Sure thing, Uncle Roy.
Sonia, we got a skillet?
Yeah, it's in the oven
with the cookie sheets.
It's the one with the handle.
I tell you, with a crew like you
this is gonna be the
best mess tent in town!
Well, "mess" is right.
Just look what
you're doin' here.
Buzz, don't open a
new carton of eggs.
Use the ones in the door.
Oh, mama, don't be a spoilsport.
Join in the fun.
Tie on an apron.
I got my jollies the first
time I made dinner tonight.
Well, then tie on a
beer, and hush up.
Your mother's right, Ellie.
No need for
everybody to be in here.
Us guys will man the galley.
You gals, go on and git!
I love a man who's
forceful and domestic.
[chuckling]
Go on. Git, git, git!
Run along, Thelma.
You know what they say
about too many cooks.
You know what they say
about fish and visitors...
they both stink
after three days!
So, uh... so, Vint,
where are you workin'?
Oh, I'm in locks.
I work over at Kwik-Keys
over at the mall.
I'm surprised you
didn't become a fireman.
Last time I saw you
you had your heart set on
bein' a hook-and-ladder man.
Yeah, that was my big dream.
- I didn't know that, dad.
- What happened?
Well, I...
uh, buzz, would you
give us a paper sack
to put these shells in?
Sure thing, dad.
Uh, what happened
was I married Mitzi
and she wasn't the kind of woman
you could leave alone at night.
I thought your wife's
name was Naomi.
Oh, Naomi's my second wife.
It turned out Mitzi
wasn't the kind of woman
you could leave alone
during the day either.
Here you go.
I met a man once, in
Budapest, who had six wives.
Now, he'd have been alright
except two of them
were named Magda.
- Wasn't that confusing?
- Especially at night.
But he worked out a system.
Hey, come here, son. You may
learn something about women.
You see...
- You too, Buzz.
- Oh.
You see, he bought
them nightgowns...
in six different colors.
[laughing]
[men laughing]
Well, sounds like the boys
are really havin' fun in there.
Yeah, I hope Uncle
Roy stays for a while.
He's such a gas.
Here you go, ladies.
These oysters are the
envy of the seven seas.
They look delicious!
Sure sounded like you
guys had fun in there.
I'll say.
That was the funniest
story I ever heard.
"Am I blue?"
I bet you got a million
of them, Uncle Roy!
We're gonna hear them all too.
Mama, I asked Uncle Roy
to stay with us for a while
and he said he would.
Shoot, I'm havin'
such a good time
I may never leave!
Vinton, come on out to
the clothesline with me.
Huh? Oh!
Hey, Thelma, you don't
have to make up my bed.
Well, why not?
I've been doin' it every
day for almost a week.
Well, here, let me
help you with it.
You know, Roy, as much as
we've all enjoyed your visit with us
I can't help but feel
we're keepin' you
from someplace
else you ought to be.
Holy cow!
What's the matter with you?
I swear, Thelma,
you've still got them.
- Got what?
- Dorothy Lamour's elbows.
Oh, yeah? Well, how's
she been tyin' up her sarong
all these years without them?
- Look at that dimple!
- Where?
You know, those elbows are
what first attracted Carl to you.
Oh, Roy, that's the
biggest load of horse puckey
I ever heard in my life.
What did he say?
Well, he and I had
just gone to the Rayalto
to see "Road To Rio,"
and he told me that your elbows
reminded him of
Dorothy Lamour's.
- There it is again! The dimple!
- Where?
I tell you, it's been to
my everlastin' chagrin
that Carl spotted
those elbows first.
This isn't gonna work!
You might have the rest
of my family buffaloed
but I ain't buyin'!
Hey, Uncle Roy, I'm
makin' Baked Alaska
for Sonia's victory
celebration tonight.
- How do you separate eggs?
- Elementary, my boy.
It's all in the elbows...
Uh, wrists, wrists.
Dorothy Lamour.
"Road To Rio."
[scatting tune of "Brazil"]
♪♪ Doo do-o-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
doo doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo doo-doo-doo... ♪♪
Naomi, for the last time, I
don't want my hair teased, okay?
Oh, honey, every beauty
queen has to tease her hair.
Otherwise, they got
nothin' to stick the crown to.
They can stick the crown
anywhere they want!
Sonia Harper, I told you
this beauty-pageant nonsense
was gonna lead to heartbreak!
Looky here, Sonia, I
brought some of my formals
that I thought
would be appropriate
for the evening
wear competition.
Well, they sure
ain't appropriate
for a woman your age.
(Thelma) Sonia, hold
your shoulders back!
Try not to make
your chin so pointy.
I could do wonders for
that! I could tease her hair...
Uncle Roy!
What do you think, Roy?
Interesting.
Very interesting.
I look awful. That's what
you're thinking, isn't it?
Actually, Sonia, I was
thinking about something
that happened back
when I was in the marines.
This isn't gonna be another
one of your smutty stories, is it?
I guess this was
about 25 years ago.
We had to present the colors
at a big White House to-do
where Princess Grace and her
husband Rainy were to appear.
You saw Princess
Grace in person?
- What was she wearing?
- How was her hair?
Did she wear her crown?
I remember it like
it was yesterday.
Well, tell us today.
Well, she wore a
simple white dress
and her hair was up
all soft and natural-like.
And the only jewelry she wore
were two little pearl earrings.
And she was the most beautiful
woman I'd ever seen in my life.
She didn't need fancy
trimmings to make her attractive.
She had beauty from within...
just like you do.
Oh, get real, Uncle Roy.
Sonia, I mean it.
When you scrunch your nose
and smile that
pretty, crooked smile
your eyes light up just
like Princess Grace's.
You know what, Roy?
I believe you're right.
I could get my sewing kit,
and we could cut the sleeves off
Sonia's white prom dress and
give it a whole new neckline!
I love that dress!
It's so sweet!
And I have two tiny,
little pearl earrings.
What about gloves? No
beauty queen worth a damn
goes without long white gloves.
Come on.
Well, will you look at that?
That thing's done to perfection.
I'll tell you what, you are
turnin' into one good cook.
Thanks. 'Course, I been
taught by the best cook there is.
Well, that's a
sweet thing to say.
I bet Uncle Roy knows
just about everything there is
to know about cooking.
I wish he knew a little
more about tellin' time.
I sent him out hours ago
to get white shoe
polish for Sonia's shoes
and he still isn't back.
Maybe he had to go
to more than one store.
More than one
bar is more like it.
Lord, "worthless" is a
compliment to that man.
Hey, Buzz!
Thelma, here's your shoe polish.
Uh-oh, Buzz, this
cake isn't quite done.
- Better pop it in the oven.
- Sure thing, Uncle Roy.
Well, this is washcoat!
I asked for Special
Nurse White Number 3!
This dang stuff wouldn't
cover a bruise on a lily!
I thought you
wanted it for shoes.
Just don't crack
wise with me, buster.
Here, Thelma. Allow me.
Buzz, did I ever tell
you about the time
I stowed away on a cruise ship
and had to earn my
passage by shinin' shoes?
Lord, is there nothin'
you haven't done?
Uncle Roy, is
this an application
to the Raytown Fire Department?
That's what it says.
Don't tell me you wanna
be a fireman... at your age?
There are no age restrictions.
I could be a fireman
if I wanted to...
just don't happen to want to.
Well, thank goodness.
The Raytown homeowners
can rest easy tonight.
This application's for Vint.
(Buzz) Hey, that’s great!
Dad always wanted
to be a fireman!
Well, I see no
reason why he can't.
Have you lost your mind?
Vinton Harper can't take
two steps without fallin' down
and you want him to
earn a livin' on a ladder?
Thelma, he'd go through
a training program.
They wouldn't let him get hurt.
- Ain't that just like a mom?
- Yeah, that's just like a mom!
Buzz, go upstairs and
take this dress to your sister.
Grandma, I'm right in
the middle of cookin'!
And I could really use a break.
Against my better judgment
and out of the kindness
of a widow's heart
I've allowed you to
come into my home
and I have stood silently
by while you flimflammed
your way around every
member of my family.
But, mister, when you
start endangerin' lives
you have flimmed your last flam!
Vinton's a grown man. He
can make up his own mind.
He doesn't need you to do it!
Thelma, sooner or later
you're gonna have to
cut the apron strings.
Don't be tellin' me what
to do with my clothes!
You know what your problem is?
Yes, and I have been
tryin' for a week, now
to get it outta the house.
No, your whole problem
is you're repressed.
I'm happy as a lark.
No, no, no. Not
depressed, repressed.
You need to loosen
up. You need to relax.
Just leave my needs outta this!
Try throwin' caution to
the wind once in a while.
Oh, and be like you, I
suppose, be a tumbleweed.
Just light in one
spot long enough
to stir up trouble
and then tumble on.
And just what have I stirred up?
Everything!
Sonia and Vinton and,
Lord, look at Buzz...
the boy wouldn't so much
as open a can of sardines
and you got him
bakin' Hawaii or Alaska
or whatever the
hell state this is.
All I've done is encourage
them to pursue their desires.
Now, what's wrong with that?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
You get everybody all
encouraged with your pipe dreams
then walk out the door on a whim
and leave everybody flat!
Oh, but, Thelma,
wouldn't you rather wake
from a wonderful dream
than never have one at all?
What happens in my bed
is none of your business.
What has your bed
got to do with this?
Absolutely nothin'.
You don't have
to be afraid of me!
I'm not afraid of
you. I'm afraid of me!
Thelma...
Thelma, it's alright.
Yes, it is.
It's alright.
Don't be afraid.
It's alright.
Well, will you look at this!
An application for the
Raytown Fire Department!
Ha ha! Did you get
this for me, Uncle Roy?
Oh, thanks! Gee,
I hope I qualify.
Just don't set fire to it
and you're probably a shoo-in.
Hey, everybody, come quick!
You're gonna get the
biggest surprise of your life!
Too late for that.
And now
representing the Edgar
Allan Poe High School
Miss Sonia Harper!
(Naomi) Oh, Sonia,
don't you look gorgeous!
(Vinton) Oh, Buzz, doesn't
your sister look beautiful?
Well, gee, I don't
know. Where is she?
Just kiddin'.
Really, Sonia, you look great.
Thanks, Buzz.
Sonia, you're gonna win
this thing hands down.
Thank you, Uncle Roy.
Oh, you look just like
you're goin' to the ball.
Don't forget your
slippers, Cinderella.
They're still wet.
Thanks, grandma. I'll
put them on in the car.
We better get
going or we'll be late.
You better ride with me in
my air-conditioned Seville.
Mama, you look a little
flushed. Are you alright?
Well, I feel just fine.
You go on ahead.
Save us a seat.
We'll be along later.
Roy, about what just
happened in the kitchen...
uh...
about what almost
happened in the kitchen...
uh, what I mean
is, uh, in the kitchen
nothin' happened, did it?
I don't know.
I thought something happened.
Well, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
Well, I... I can't say
I'm sorry it happened.
Me neither.
I just don't want you to think
that I'm the sort of a woman
who lets what almost
happened in the kitchen happen.
Thelma, you're one in a million.
Well, you're one of two.
You know I can't stay, Thelma.
I know.
Us tumbleweeds, we...
we gotta keep tumblin' along.
I know.
The truth is, Thelma..
I'm afraid if I don't go now...
I may never leave.
Roy, I want you to know
that this is just
about the nicest thing
that never happened to me.
Goodbye, Thelma.
[sniffling] So long, sailor.
Take care of them elbows.
[scatting tune of "Brazil"]
♪♪ Doo do-o-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
doo doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo
doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪♪♪
Well, here's to Miss Rayteen.
(all together) Yes, indeed.
[clearing throat] I'd like
to thank all the members
of the royal family.
Oh, Sonia.
Okay, dad, get the lights!
Oh, yeah, right, right, right.
- Here it is.
- Look at that!
(Thelma) Will you
take a look at that?
- A dessert fit for a queen!
- Ah!
Oh, Buzz, it's beautiful!
Yeah, I sure wish Uncle
Roy was here to see it.
It sure would have been
neat to have him here tonight.
Well, peanut, that's just
the way Uncle Roy is...
here today, gone tomorrow.
Well, that's part of his charm.
Hey, look, mama,
he left his cooler.
How are we gonna
get that back to him?
Well, just leave it be.
I have a feelin' that this time
Roy Harper will be
back to claim what is his.
[Dixieland music]
[music continues]
Nothin' exciting ever
happens in this family.
Same old job, the
same old dinner.
Vinton, will you change
that broken record?
Lord, goin' to work
at the same job
and comin' home
to the same dinner
is most people's
idea of happiness.
There's 15 million foreigners
who'd kill for this setup.
[doorbell ringing]
I wonder who in the
world that can be.
Maybe it's a foreigner come
to borrow a cup of happiness.
[doorbell ringing]
Same old doorbell...
same old rug.
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday,
Brother Carl ♪♪
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
Uncle Roy! Hey,
everybody, it's Uncle Roy!
Mama, it's Uncle Roy!
You little rug rat!
- Ellie!
- Oh!
You're still the prettiest
little girl in Raytown.
And you are still
my favorite uncle!
Thelma.
Well, Roy Harper.
Lord, it's been so long
I'd given up hope of
ever seein' you again.
I'm sorry to disappoint
you, Thelma.
Where's my brother,
the birthday boy?
Well, Roy, Carl
died 11 years ago.
Eleven years?
Well, we didn't know how
to get in touch with you.
Thelma...
were you with him when he died?
No. He was alone.
Happened in the
bathroom right over there.
Thelma, I-I don't
know what to say.
Would you mind if I went
in there for a moment?
- No. Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Eleven years.
Why, honey, you never
told me you had a Uncle Roy.
Oh, yeah. He's my favorite
uncle. A real man's man.
'Course, he didn't get
back home too often.
Once in a blue moon,
he'd breeze through
and expect everybody
to drop everything for him.
But he'd always bring us
the most exotic presents
from all over the world!
He's been practically
everywhere.
Everywhere there's loose
women and cheap booze.
You'd think he'd at least
have had the courtesy
to show up for his
own brother's funeral.
Well, mama, he had no idea.
Obviously, he was
all torn up about it.
[toilet flushing]
Well, folks, I brought Carl
a cooler full of his favorite.
Gulfstream oysters.
We better eat them
before they spoil.
That's nice, but we're right
in the middle of dinner here.
Oh, mama, we can do
without pot roast for one night.
- Uncle Roy's got oysters!
- Let's clear the table.
Uncle Roy, let me give
you a hand with that.
Thank you, Vint.
Come on, come on. Walk this way.
[both chuckling]
You never met my wife Naomi.
Pleased to meet you, Uncle Roy.
And my kids, Buzz and Sonia.
Buzz, Sonia. My, my, Vint.
You seem to have done
real well for yourself.
Naomi darlin', could
you rustle me up
a big, black skillet?
Sure thing, Uncle Roy.
Sonia, we got a skillet?
Yeah, it's in the oven
with the cookie sheets.
It's the one with the handle.
I tell you, with a crew like you
this is gonna be the
best mess tent in town!
Well, "mess" is right.
Just look what
you're doin' here.
Buzz, don't open a
new carton of eggs.
Use the ones in the door.
Oh, mama, don't be a spoilsport.
Join in the fun.
Tie on an apron.
I got my jollies the first
time I made dinner tonight.
Well, then tie on a
beer, and hush up.
Your mother's right, Ellie.
No need for
everybody to be in here.
Us guys will man the galley.
You gals, go on and git!
I love a man who's
forceful and domestic.
[chuckling]
Go on. Git, git, git!
Run along, Thelma.
You know what they say
about too many cooks.
You know what they say
about fish and visitors...
they both stink
after three days!
So, uh... so, Vint,
where are you workin'?
Oh, I'm in locks.
I work over at Kwik-Keys
over at the mall.
I'm surprised you
didn't become a fireman.
Last time I saw you
you had your heart set on
bein' a hook-and-ladder man.
Yeah, that was my big dream.
- I didn't know that, dad.
- What happened?
Well, I...
uh, buzz, would you
give us a paper sack
to put these shells in?
Sure thing, dad.
Uh, what happened
was I married Mitzi
and she wasn't the kind of woman
you could leave alone at night.
I thought your wife's
name was Naomi.
Oh, Naomi's my second wife.
It turned out Mitzi
wasn't the kind of woman
you could leave alone
during the day either.
Here you go.
I met a man once, in
Budapest, who had six wives.
Now, he'd have been alright
except two of them
were named Magda.
- Wasn't that confusing?
- Especially at night.
But he worked out a system.
Hey, come here, son. You may
learn something about women.
You see...
- You too, Buzz.
- Oh.
You see, he bought
them nightgowns...
in six different colors.
[laughing]
[men laughing]
Well, sounds like the boys
are really havin' fun in there.
Yeah, I hope Uncle
Roy stays for a while.
He's such a gas.
Here you go, ladies.
These oysters are the
envy of the seven seas.
They look delicious!
Sure sounded like you
guys had fun in there.
I'll say.
That was the funniest
story I ever heard.
"Am I blue?"
I bet you got a million
of them, Uncle Roy!
We're gonna hear them all too.
Mama, I asked Uncle Roy
to stay with us for a while
and he said he would.
Shoot, I'm havin'
such a good time
I may never leave!
Vinton, come on out to
the clothesline with me.
Huh? Oh!
Hey, Thelma, you don't
have to make up my bed.
Well, why not?
I've been doin' it every
day for almost a week.
Well, here, let me
help you with it.
You know, Roy, as much as
we've all enjoyed your visit with us
I can't help but feel
we're keepin' you
from someplace
else you ought to be.
Holy cow!
What's the matter with you?
I swear, Thelma,
you've still got them.
- Got what?
- Dorothy Lamour's elbows.
Oh, yeah? Well, how's
she been tyin' up her sarong
all these years without them?
- Look at that dimple!
- Where?
You know, those elbows are
what first attracted Carl to you.
Oh, Roy, that's the
biggest load of horse puckey
I ever heard in my life.
What did he say?
Well, he and I had
just gone to the Rayalto
to see "Road To Rio,"
and he told me that your elbows
reminded him of
Dorothy Lamour's.
- There it is again! The dimple!
- Where?
I tell you, it's been to
my everlastin' chagrin
that Carl spotted
those elbows first.
This isn't gonna work!
You might have the rest
of my family buffaloed
but I ain't buyin'!
Hey, Uncle Roy, I'm
makin' Baked Alaska
for Sonia's victory
celebration tonight.
- How do you separate eggs?
- Elementary, my boy.
It's all in the elbows...
Uh, wrists, wrists.
Dorothy Lamour.
"Road To Rio."
[scatting tune of "Brazil"]
♪♪ Doo do-o-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
doo doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo doo-doo-doo... ♪♪
Naomi, for the last time, I
don't want my hair teased, okay?
Oh, honey, every beauty
queen has to tease her hair.
Otherwise, they got
nothin' to stick the crown to.
They can stick the crown
anywhere they want!
Sonia Harper, I told you
this beauty-pageant nonsense
was gonna lead to heartbreak!
Looky here, Sonia, I
brought some of my formals
that I thought
would be appropriate
for the evening
wear competition.
Well, they sure
ain't appropriate
for a woman your age.
(Thelma) Sonia, hold
your shoulders back!
Try not to make
your chin so pointy.
I could do wonders for
that! I could tease her hair...
Uncle Roy!
What do you think, Roy?
Interesting.
Very interesting.
I look awful. That's what
you're thinking, isn't it?
Actually, Sonia, I was
thinking about something
that happened back
when I was in the marines.
This isn't gonna be another
one of your smutty stories, is it?
I guess this was
about 25 years ago.
We had to present the colors
at a big White House to-do
where Princess Grace and her
husband Rainy were to appear.
You saw Princess
Grace in person?
- What was she wearing?
- How was her hair?
Did she wear her crown?
I remember it like
it was yesterday.
Well, tell us today.
Well, she wore a
simple white dress
and her hair was up
all soft and natural-like.
And the only jewelry she wore
were two little pearl earrings.
And she was the most beautiful
woman I'd ever seen in my life.
She didn't need fancy
trimmings to make her attractive.
She had beauty from within...
just like you do.
Oh, get real, Uncle Roy.
Sonia, I mean it.
When you scrunch your nose
and smile that
pretty, crooked smile
your eyes light up just
like Princess Grace's.
You know what, Roy?
I believe you're right.
I could get my sewing kit,
and we could cut the sleeves off
Sonia's white prom dress and
give it a whole new neckline!
I love that dress!
It's so sweet!
And I have two tiny,
little pearl earrings.
What about gloves? No
beauty queen worth a damn
goes without long white gloves.
Come on.
Well, will you look at that?
That thing's done to perfection.
I'll tell you what, you are
turnin' into one good cook.
Thanks. 'Course, I been
taught by the best cook there is.
Well, that's a
sweet thing to say.
I bet Uncle Roy knows
just about everything there is
to know about cooking.
I wish he knew a little
more about tellin' time.
I sent him out hours ago
to get white shoe
polish for Sonia's shoes
and he still isn't back.
Maybe he had to go
to more than one store.
More than one
bar is more like it.
Lord, "worthless" is a
compliment to that man.
Hey, Buzz!
Thelma, here's your shoe polish.
Uh-oh, Buzz, this
cake isn't quite done.
- Better pop it in the oven.
- Sure thing, Uncle Roy.
Well, this is washcoat!
I asked for Special
Nurse White Number 3!
This dang stuff wouldn't
cover a bruise on a lily!
I thought you
wanted it for shoes.
Just don't crack
wise with me, buster.
Here, Thelma. Allow me.
Buzz, did I ever tell
you about the time
I stowed away on a cruise ship
and had to earn my
passage by shinin' shoes?
Lord, is there nothin'
you haven't done?
Uncle Roy, is
this an application
to the Raytown Fire Department?
That's what it says.
Don't tell me you wanna
be a fireman... at your age?
There are no age restrictions.
I could be a fireman
if I wanted to...
just don't happen to want to.
Well, thank goodness.
The Raytown homeowners
can rest easy tonight.
This application's for Vint.
(Buzz) Hey, that’s great!
Dad always wanted
to be a fireman!
Well, I see no
reason why he can't.
Have you lost your mind?
Vinton Harper can't take
two steps without fallin' down
and you want him to
earn a livin' on a ladder?
Thelma, he'd go through
a training program.
They wouldn't let him get hurt.
- Ain't that just like a mom?
- Yeah, that's just like a mom!
Buzz, go upstairs and
take this dress to your sister.
Grandma, I'm right in
the middle of cookin'!
And I could really use a break.
Against my better judgment
and out of the kindness
of a widow's heart
I've allowed you to
come into my home
and I have stood silently
by while you flimflammed
your way around every
member of my family.
But, mister, when you
start endangerin' lives
you have flimmed your last flam!
Vinton's a grown man. He
can make up his own mind.
He doesn't need you to do it!
Thelma, sooner or later
you're gonna have to
cut the apron strings.
Don't be tellin' me what
to do with my clothes!
You know what your problem is?
Yes, and I have been
tryin' for a week, now
to get it outta the house.
No, your whole problem
is you're repressed.
I'm happy as a lark.
No, no, no. Not
depressed, repressed.
You need to loosen
up. You need to relax.
Just leave my needs outta this!
Try throwin' caution to
the wind once in a while.
Oh, and be like you, I
suppose, be a tumbleweed.
Just light in one
spot long enough
to stir up trouble
and then tumble on.
And just what have I stirred up?
Everything!
Sonia and Vinton and,
Lord, look at Buzz...
the boy wouldn't so much
as open a can of sardines
and you got him
bakin' Hawaii or Alaska
or whatever the
hell state this is.
All I've done is encourage
them to pursue their desires.
Now, what's wrong with that?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
You get everybody all
encouraged with your pipe dreams
then walk out the door on a whim
and leave everybody flat!
Oh, but, Thelma,
wouldn't you rather wake
from a wonderful dream
than never have one at all?
What happens in my bed
is none of your business.
What has your bed
got to do with this?
Absolutely nothin'.
You don't have
to be afraid of me!
I'm not afraid of
you. I'm afraid of me!
Thelma...
Thelma, it's alright.
Yes, it is.
It's alright.
Don't be afraid.
It's alright.
Well, will you look at this!
An application for the
Raytown Fire Department!
Ha ha! Did you get
this for me, Uncle Roy?
Oh, thanks! Gee,
I hope I qualify.
Just don't set fire to it
and you're probably a shoo-in.
Hey, everybody, come quick!
You're gonna get the
biggest surprise of your life!
Too late for that.
And now
representing the Edgar
Allan Poe High School
Miss Sonia Harper!
(Naomi) Oh, Sonia,
don't you look gorgeous!
(Vinton) Oh, Buzz, doesn't
your sister look beautiful?
Well, gee, I don't
know. Where is she?
Just kiddin'.
Really, Sonia, you look great.
Thanks, Buzz.
Sonia, you're gonna win
this thing hands down.
Thank you, Uncle Roy.
Oh, you look just like
you're goin' to the ball.
Don't forget your
slippers, Cinderella.
They're still wet.
Thanks, grandma. I'll
put them on in the car.
We better get
going or we'll be late.
You better ride with me in
my air-conditioned Seville.
Mama, you look a little
flushed. Are you alright?
Well, I feel just fine.
You go on ahead.
Save us a seat.
We'll be along later.
Roy, about what just
happened in the kitchen...
uh...
about what almost
happened in the kitchen...
uh, what I mean
is, uh, in the kitchen
nothin' happened, did it?
I don't know.
I thought something happened.
Well, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
Well, I... I can't say
I'm sorry it happened.
Me neither.
I just don't want you to think
that I'm the sort of a woman
who lets what almost
happened in the kitchen happen.
Thelma, you're one in a million.
Well, you're one of two.
You know I can't stay, Thelma.
I know.
Us tumbleweeds, we...
we gotta keep tumblin' along.
I know.
The truth is, Thelma..
I'm afraid if I don't go now...
I may never leave.
Roy, I want you to know
that this is just
about the nicest thing
that never happened to me.
Goodbye, Thelma.
[sniffling] So long, sailor.
Take care of them elbows.
[scatting tune of "Brazil"]
♪♪ Doo do-o-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
doo doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪
♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo
doo-doo do-o-o-o ♪♪♪♪
Well, here's to Miss Rayteen.
(all together) Yes, indeed.
[clearing throat] I'd like
to thank all the members
of the royal family.
Oh, Sonia.
Okay, dad, get the lights!
Oh, yeah, right, right, right.
- Here it is.
- Look at that!
(Thelma) Will you
take a look at that?
- A dessert fit for a queen!
- Ah!
Oh, Buzz, it's beautiful!
Yeah, I sure wish Uncle
Roy was here to see it.
It sure would have been
neat to have him here tonight.
Well, peanut, that's just
the way Uncle Roy is...
here today, gone tomorrow.
Well, that's part of his charm.
Hey, look, mama,
he left his cooler.
How are we gonna
get that back to him?
Well, just leave it be.
I have a feelin' that this time
Roy Harper will be
back to claim what is his.
[Dixieland music]